Club Sub Constitution

The Club Sub Constitution


Our Mission:

To protect and enhance the lives of its members and associates by surrounding ourselves with members and those with similar interests, primarily alcohol, gambling, sports, and more alcohol. We measure our success based on our own happiness. If you aren’t a member, then we don’t give a shit about you. If you want us to care then get on the bus or get the fuck out of the station.


History:

Club Sub was founded in 1989 by Jeff D. when, as a young hoodlum, he allegedly began systematically embezzling funds and food from a Subway restaurant that he was employed at in North Providence, RI. Due to its location and its complete lack of customers, it soon became a hangout of those who wished to bask in Mr. D’s glory, along with BMT’s, alcohol, the stable, and loud rap music. Word soon spread of the unique social organization that was in its infancy, and before too long members would be added at the rate of nearly 1% YOY. Soon initiation rituals were developed to keep out the riffraff, and potential members were forced to participate in bizarre rituals that are unfit to print. Club Sub is normally a peaceful organization however it has seen its share of wars and is not afraid of confrontation. During wartime members are often called upon to utilize their best assets in order to help the organization be victorious.

Business Contingency/Disaster/Emergency Plans

Club Sub has extensive plans in case of a catastrophic event.
First, no more than 4 club sub members at a time are allowed to fly on the same flight. While this is actually a request of the airlines, it also ensures we don’t suffer a catastrophic loss.
Next, Club Sub maintains a diverse geographic base, with some members living as far as 10 miles from each other. There is one exception to this where a member has moved within 500 feet, but this is due to special needs circumstances. Also in almost all cases, club sub members live less than 10 miles from their parents, thus enabling a quick check with the elders should advice be needed.
3rd, in case of a disastrous event, every member’s house is sufficiently equipped with backup refrigeration should another member need reinforcements to their ML supply.
4th, Economic diversification: with few exceptions, the members have opted for low paying jobs with bleak futures but high levels of job security. As such the members should be immune to any economic recessions/downturns etc.

Transition Plan

Club sub maintains an extensive transition plan in case of death of a member. First, Club Sub, does not provide any cash to the spouse should a member die. This is because in almost all cases, the spouses will be far better off via their life insurance proceeds vs. the loss of income from their husband’s job.
2nd, upon death of a member, plans are in place for a Kennedy-esque funeral, including bugle corp., children in suits, and lots of drinking.
3rd, should one of the inner cabinet die, the remaining members will vote on a replacement at such time. This vote will take place at current headquarters, the Orange in Warwick.

Voting and Decision Making

Club sub has a very consistent and transparent approach to decision making. The President holds final veto power on any and all decisions. The President can also issue laws. The President can approve or disapprove pending members. The President can dictate the entrance exam into Club Sub. The President has privileges with prospects spouses (not members however). The President can yell as loud as he wants. The President can say incoherent things that the members must agree to. The President can make an act of war (see the Club Sub vs. Taco Bell wars). The President can deem a car to be a “girl car”. The President can select a Zoo animal or Doberman Pinscher and make it a house pet if he has time to train it but who has the time. This system is modeled after the current US government.


2006 and Beyond:

Today the organization boasts nearly 20 members, excluding their spouses and male heirs, all of which have a defined role consisting of the pursuit of alcohol, gambling, and sins of the flesh. The group has done very little to benefit society as a whole, which is a point of pride for the organization.