Mud's May Member Profile- Tilt

Good day, fellow Club Subbers...And let me just start by saying that I have offically wrestled control of this blog away from DaPrez... Ahem, what I mean to say that I have posting access now. Therefore, there will be no more typoes and/or formatting errors, incorrect grammar, or any of that type of shit that DaPrez is famous for. However, if you come across a typo, kindly blow it out your ass, 'cuz I really don't give a fuck.

Onward and upward!

This month, we take a look at one of our more enduring members, Mr. Tilt himself, our Secretary of Energy. His induction, one of the more creative & imaginative efforts put forth by the Club Sub Executive Board, involved himself and one other member (Fic) disrupting a large class at a insitute of higher learning that will remain nameless, while the Executive Board sat in the back of the auditorium and drank beer. It was truly a turning point in the Club Sub world, as inductions completed their inevitable shift from petty larceny to general social misbehavior in an attempt to foment a movement- a movement towards the discreditation of institutes of formal learning (primarily college)....Fucking ironic, when half of the members of the organization are teachers. The induction was also the apex of creativity expressed by the Board, as inductions since have become mundane and boring, as evidenced by the most recent induction (Big Sloppy) -He took a leak in a toilet in a coach bus. Wow....

But I digress.

Tilt, as he is known, comes from a logging family in northeastern Washington State. At the age of 11, he decided that logging was not for him, after he fell 25 feet from a pine tree and suffered severe lacerations to the head, neck, arms, legs, and scrotum. He ran away from home, eventually ending up working as a janitor in a brothel in Thailand. He worked long hours in decidely disgusting conditions, but was so enamored by the "benefits" of this job, he stayed until he was 16, when he was adopted by the first entirely lesbian kibbutz ever established in the United States. It was here that he evolved into the man he is today- a devoted father and family man, and quick-witted chap with a love for the Yankees.

How does living in a lesbian commune make someone a devoted family man? God only knows. But as this interview will show, there are lot of things about our man that don't make sense.

Thus begins the interview.
CSB (Club Sub Blog): What has been the greatest influence in your life?
TT (Tilt): First I'd like to thank God for his gifts that have been bestowed on me. By far, my biggest influence has been the music of the B-52s. While in the kibbutz, that music was on all day every day, and I really became enamored with their pop and counterculture sensibilities. Fred Schneider's energy is truly infectious.

CSB: Umm...okay...Why did you develop such a love for the Yankees?
TT: I secretly wish I was Italian.

CSB: Umm...okay...Are you proud of the fact that you are basically turning your son into a well-educated butler in the mold of Geoffrey from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air?
TT: I'm sure it seems odd (laughs)..But I have my reasons.

CSB: What are they?
TT: Well, i want him to have a trade skill as a backup. I became a teacher, but in the event that I had to, I could have esaily found work as a janitor. I'ts about being prepared for contingency.

CSB: You have a well-documented love for cooking. What's your favorite meal to make?
TT: I don't mean to brag, but I have been praised for my ability to make all kinds of different toast. Most of the time I do basic white bread, but sometimes I'll mix it up- marble rye, wheat, you name it. People come from all over just to sample my toast. I even offer different types of spreads, including a homemade Marmalade that I make.

CSB: It IS damn fine toast. The marmalade is especially delicious..Has a nice nutty flavor to it.
TT: Thank you. I want to be known as the guy who can solve all of your toast problems. I'm in the process of developing a device which will keep all of the small toast particles from getting lodged in the stick of butter.

CSB: A true renaissance man...
TT: Well, living in an alternative-lifestyle commune will broaden your horizons a bit.

CSB: When you fell from the tree at age 11, you were badly injured, yet you don't seem to bear any scars.
TT: I underwent extensive plastic surgery. The technology is astounding. The only scar that is really still an issue is the one on the back of my balls. Really burns when I make the Orange Marmalade. Citric acid, I guess.

CSB: Why would your nuts burn when you make Orange....Oh, my God...Ugh ![vomits]
TT: Hee hee hee.

CSB: Whoa, that wasn't cool. Ahem...What would you like your legacy to be?
TT: [Singing, to the tune of Sammy Davis Jr.'s "The Candyman"
Who can take your bread slice,
Heat it 'til it's brown,
The toast man can, cause he wipes it on his balls,
The toastman can!

CSB: Sweet Jesus!
TT: Lick my balls! Oh, wait- you already did. hee hee hee...

CSB: Oh my Holy God...