Friday, October 30, 2009
Away for the Weekend at Special Conference
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Mud's Club Sub Fantasy Football Mid-Year Report
Well hello again, boys! We have a very eventful FF season on our hands, and since I know you have all been eagerly awaiting this mid-year report, I have decided to post it!
Let's look at some quick non-standings-related crap that's going on:
- The Commish is unhappy. Never a good sign for all of us. Apparently, it has caused his already-dreadful IBS to get worse. Now he shits out things he hasn't even eaten.
- I'm a big fan of the DOW (Douche of the Week) award. So far, we've only awarded one of them. It was the Wards in week 6 for Matt Schaub. Let my vote be cast that we need to award this weekly (more on this later), and we should also include a DOD (Douche of the Draft). Schemer would have won. Not for his picks, but for his constant forgetting of himself and where he drafted.
- Will the real New England Patriots please stand up? I can't tell by last week's game if they are really good or not.
- Who would've thought that Adrian Peterson would be on the block? MINNESOTA'S Adrian Peterson, not the Chicago version. I put in a trade request 5 minutes after I learned the news.
- Who the fuck is this "Guru" guy? How can we get rid of this feature? This guy has fucked more owners than Bernie Madoff.
So now let's move on to the teams. As always, I grade based on what I see to be self-evident truths. If you don't like it, you can blow it out your ass. With love.
1. The Fighting Amish: Somehow, this team is 5 and 1. They are second in total points scored, despite having a bench that collectively has scored about 6 points this season. Quick note- neither this team nor the second-place team has captured a week yet. How does this happen? It's either consistency or some statistical anomaly that we need to involve NASA to compute. I'm leaning toward the latter. Someone call the guy from "NUMB3RS" (who by the way, played one of the Jewish neighbors of Harold and Kumar. True Story).
Seriously, he has Chad Henne, Glen Coffee, and Ronald Curry on his bench. This can't last.
Preseason Prediction: 4th. I had him in the playoffs, at least.
Grade: B+ Sorry, I just can't go higher. I still think this team is due for a swoon.
2. Warriors: It's high time this guy caught some breaks. Brady finally broke out for him. But again, depth is an issue. 3 of his 6 bench players have the dreaded Red Cross next to their names. It's really only 3 of 5, as one is a defense. He would have come in second for the DOW award voting for week 5 due to the Roddy White tragedy. But I'm not complaining. I beat him that week because of it. But like the Amish, I can't imagine he'll be able to hang on. He has a very tenuous grip on respectability. However, he does have the highest cumulative point total this season thus far.
Preseason Prediction: 10th. Yep, i was way off here. But it wouldn't shock me if he was closer to that come season end.
Grade: A. I think he has done an excellent job with what he has. But success, my friends, can be a cruel mistress. Remember, right now there are 5 teams that are 4-2.
3. The Clapp: I didn't see this coming at all. But does anyone ever see the Clap coming? I had him as a playoff team, but he has outperformed my expectations, and his Morningstar rating is 5-star. Peyton Manning, fresh off f***ing the Warriors, has re-found his mojo. I don't know. His bench depth is ok....I stand by my prediction. I see him finishing anywhere from 2nd-6th.
Preseason prediction: 6th. I stand by this one. A playoff team, for sure, but we'll have to see how things shake out. Remember, right now there are 5 teams that are 4-2.
Grade: A. He's done great so far. What else can be said? In the true spirit of the man, I'll be quiet now.
4. DaPrez: I shall now refer to this team as "DaPrez Featuring Mohamed Massaquoi". Ol' Mohamed gets my vote for the "Most Excitement in the Waiver Wire" award for this season. And he is only averaging 4.2 points per week. Anyway, this is a solid team on paper, and with Gore coming back, things are looking good (FRANK Gore, not the other "I invented the Internet" Gore). Also, nice of him to pick up Ted Ginn Jr's corpse after I cut him loose like Teddy Ballgame's head. Now Miami has a QB who can throw long, which suits him. But anything can happen. His point totals are among the league's elite. BUT: Remember, right now there are 5 teams that are 4-2.
Preseason Prediction: 3. I'm backing off this. I see him in the 4-6 range, especially when Norv Turner benches Rivers and Gates to "fire up" the Bolts.
Grade: D. Look, someone has to blow the curve. Besides, his Yanks are probably going to get World Series rings this year. Come to think of it....:
Adjusted Grade: F-. I hope that A-Rod, the Jeter-Ass-grabbing, Bronson Arroyo glove-slapping, Steroid-taking, Madonna-Fucking, purple lips-having piece of shit commits double-digit errors in the World Series and single-handedly costs his team the title.
5. The Schemers: Interesting team. I'm a big fan of his wideouts, but for some strange reason, he carries 3 QBs on his roster. What's more interesting is that he traded away a fourth. I guess you deal from strength, right? However, he got LT for Matt Schaub. Not sure I understood that move. Of course, he is doing much better record-wise than i am, so who am I to talk? However, i am outscoring him. Part of me thinks that he has one extra player due to the way he derailed the draft with his outbursts. How many of us crossed off names when he shouted them off, and then realized that he couldn't actually take that player? This was exceptionally done on his part, if that's what he was intending. Could be he's just an idiot. God will sort it out.
Preseason Prediction: 10th. Another one I was off on. However, i could end up being right. Remember, right now there are 5 teams that are 4-2.
Grade: B-. The LT-Schaub (or as i like to call it, the "The Munich Agreement") deal was a lousy one. However, I respect the fact that he took a stab at it.
6. Finebeverages: This is a strange team. He has 2 members of the NFL's version of the Jackson 32 (there really are 32 Jacksons attached to NFL teams), and continues to ride the Drew Brees train. Also, to his credit, he has not stopped insulting all of us with really lopsided trade offers. Honestly, it's easier to negotiate with Palestinians than with him. Here's how the trade process works with him:
1. He makes a lopsided offer.
2. You counter with something that is a little more fair.
3. He slams the door in your face and insults your parents.
4. He comes back a week later with a different but equally-lopsided request.
(Repeat steps 2-4 ad nauseum).
Preseason Prediction: 2. I think there is still a possibility of this. Remember, right now there are 5 teams that are 4-2.
Grade: D. Should be better than this. He's definitely one of the more active GMs out there. Loses points for going to the "New" Yankee Stadium so often and supporting such a soulless building and even more soulless franchise.
7. CAPTAIN MORGAN MEN: Seriously, if you saw a guy in a bar striking the Captain's pose like he is in a fucking commercial, wouldn't you immediately throw down with that moron? HRD, i love your avatars. But please, change your team name. We have a squad that features some of the finest spirits and liquors that money can buy, and then we have your team- a team devoted to the propagandizing of a low-rent spiced rum that is favored by white trash guys in denim jackets and sweatpants. Please, we're collectively begging you. I like your players, and think you have a nice team. But if I have to pull out my Anthrax backpatch every time I see your team name, then we are gonna have some issues, bubeleh.
Preseason Prediction: 9th. Yep, i see this holding true. Good luck in the lottery.
Grade: A: Still can't touch this guy's avitars, and even The Wiggles one was funny. Captain Feathersword, he loves to dance, he will show you how, Captain Feathersword, he loves to dance,
Captain Feathersword: I will show you now!
8. The W Boys: Second lowest point total in the league. Inaugural winner of the DOW award (Matt Schaub, Week 6). Donovan McNabb & Matt Schaub are averaging about the same amount of points per week. Umm...guys? Quick Tip: YOU CAN ONLY START ONE OF THEM. TIME TO SHOP ONE OF THEM! ELIMINATE THIS DECISION EACH WEEK! You got Schaub when McNabb got hurt. McNabb is back. And don't gimme s*** about bye weeks. Deal Schaub now.
Also, I can't help but notice that not a single one of your wideouts is averaging more than 10 points per week, and only 2 are averaging more than 6 points per week. i think you need a wideout, and I'm sure there are teams that have weaknesses at QB. But what do I know. I'm just the defending champion.
Preseason Prediction: 5th. I need to back off this prediction. When Justin Fargas gets a start for you, things ain't good.
Grade: C+: You pulled off the trade for Schaub, gotta give you credit for that.
9. Del's Destroyers: To his credit, he has stuck to his guns and hasn't changed his avatar since 1978. What's the matter, Google Images doesn't work on your computer? Try Googling this: "Lady Gaga Penis" and see what happens. That would make a super avatar. This team i among the elite in terms of point-scoring. Does that translate to wins? Well, obviously not. But that's beyond his control. This is a very solid team, and deserves better. However, unless you change your avatar, you have a date with the lottery. And it's time to write Nate Washington the following letter: "Dear Baby, welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."
Preseason Prediction: 8. 'Nuff said.
Grade: C. High grade for a team this low in the standings.
10. The Aristocrats: A team full of underachievers that is poorly managed to boot. Portis, Forte, and Houshyomama have been underwhelming. And I'm at the point now when Rice starts at all costs. I think he has reached that level. Can you say "keeper"? Special thanks to the W Boys for mismanaging their QB situation and keeping me from receiving the DOW award last week.
Preseason Prediction: 12th. I'm close. I can feel it...
Grade: D. I am a human suckfest.
Speaking of the DOW award, we only had a DOW award starting in Week 6. Here is how the first 5 weeks would have gone:
Week 1: (Tie) Patrick Crayton, Del's Destroyers, 22 (benched in favor of Steve Breaston, who was inactive) and Trent Edwards, The Fighting Amish
Week 2: Matt Schaub, The Schemers, 42
Week 3: Pierre Thomas, Finebeverages, 26 (Note: the combined scoring of his 3 starting RBs that week was 25)
Week 4: Saints DST, Del's Destroyers, 34
Week 5: The Schemers, Miles Austin, 43 (Note: he still beat the Convicts by 40.)
Week 6: The W Boys, Matt Schaub, 40
Note: In none of the instances above did it cost their team a win. Interesting.
11. Club Sub Convicts: This guy has his own forum in which to roast himself, so I'm not going to go much further here, other than to say that I am embarrassed for him, with him, and near him. But watch out- there's a storm a-brewin, and it's name is the Commish.
Preseason prediction: 1. Watch, this guy, right here- Boom! It's smash-mouth football Pat- he knocked his hat right off. That's right, the Mud-den curse has hit him. In a related story, I'm accepting "donations" from you all to NOT pick you to be #1 next year. Highest bidder wins.
Grade: F. Utterly terrible. Through the first 2 weeks of the year he was untouchable. Now, please touch him, cuz he is very touchable.
12. The 2009 Donation: I don't even know what to say. Never has the #1 pick worked out so horribly (except for Brien Taylor)., However, i give this guy a lot of credit- he's taking it well. New team name, new avatar, new attitude. However, it is worth pointing out that you don't have to trade Peterson! He's the MVP out there, without a doubt. If you want to re-tool, you do it with him and whatever stud you are going to get in the lottery next year.
Preseason Prediction: 11th. I was close here, but I had no idea it was gonna be THIS bad.
Grade: A. What can you do at this point other than blow it up? And to his credit, that's what he wants to do. I'm proud of him.
Well boys, that does it for me here. I wish you all the best of luck the rest of the way. Thanks for reading; it's all in fun. Remember, right now there are 5 teams that are 4-2.
Mud out. Club Sub!
Let's look at some quick non-standings-related crap that's going on:
- The Commish is unhappy. Never a good sign for all of us. Apparently, it has caused his already-dreadful IBS to get worse. Now he shits out things he hasn't even eaten.
- I'm a big fan of the DOW (Douche of the Week) award. So far, we've only awarded one of them. It was the Wards in week 6 for Matt Schaub. Let my vote be cast that we need to award this weekly (more on this later), and we should also include a DOD (Douche of the Draft). Schemer would have won. Not for his picks, but for his constant forgetting of himself and where he drafted.
- Will the real New England Patriots please stand up? I can't tell by last week's game if they are really good or not.
- Who would've thought that Adrian Peterson would be on the block? MINNESOTA'S Adrian Peterson, not the Chicago version. I put in a trade request 5 minutes after I learned the news.
- Who the fuck is this "Guru" guy? How can we get rid of this feature? This guy has fucked more owners than Bernie Madoff.
So now let's move on to the teams. As always, I grade based on what I see to be self-evident truths. If you don't like it, you can blow it out your ass. With love.
1. The Fighting Amish: Somehow, this team is 5 and 1. They are second in total points scored, despite having a bench that collectively has scored about 6 points this season. Quick note- neither this team nor the second-place team has captured a week yet. How does this happen? It's either consistency or some statistical anomaly that we need to involve NASA to compute. I'm leaning toward the latter. Someone call the guy from "NUMB3RS" (who by the way, played one of the Jewish neighbors of Harold and Kumar. True Story).
Seriously, he has Chad Henne, Glen Coffee, and Ronald Curry on his bench. This can't last.
Preseason Prediction: 4th. I had him in the playoffs, at least.
Grade: B+ Sorry, I just can't go higher. I still think this team is due for a swoon.
2. Warriors: It's high time this guy caught some breaks. Brady finally broke out for him. But again, depth is an issue. 3 of his 6 bench players have the dreaded Red Cross next to their names. It's really only 3 of 5, as one is a defense. He would have come in second for the DOW award voting for week 5 due to the Roddy White tragedy. But I'm not complaining. I beat him that week because of it. But like the Amish, I can't imagine he'll be able to hang on. He has a very tenuous grip on respectability. However, he does have the highest cumulative point total this season thus far.
Preseason Prediction: 10th. Yep, i was way off here. But it wouldn't shock me if he was closer to that come season end.
Grade: A. I think he has done an excellent job with what he has. But success, my friends, can be a cruel mistress. Remember, right now there are 5 teams that are 4-2.
3. The Clapp: I didn't see this coming at all. But does anyone ever see the Clap coming? I had him as a playoff team, but he has outperformed my expectations, and his Morningstar rating is 5-star. Peyton Manning, fresh off f***ing the Warriors, has re-found his mojo. I don't know. His bench depth is ok....I stand by my prediction. I see him finishing anywhere from 2nd-6th.
Preseason prediction: 6th. I stand by this one. A playoff team, for sure, but we'll have to see how things shake out. Remember, right now there are 5 teams that are 4-2.
Grade: A. He's done great so far. What else can be said? In the true spirit of the man, I'll be quiet now.
4. DaPrez: I shall now refer to this team as "DaPrez Featuring Mohamed Massaquoi". Ol' Mohamed gets my vote for the "Most Excitement in the Waiver Wire" award for this season. And he is only averaging 4.2 points per week. Anyway, this is a solid team on paper, and with Gore coming back, things are looking good (FRANK Gore, not the other "I invented the Internet" Gore). Also, nice of him to pick up Ted Ginn Jr's corpse after I cut him loose like Teddy Ballgame's head. Now Miami has a QB who can throw long, which suits him. But anything can happen. His point totals are among the league's elite. BUT: Remember, right now there are 5 teams that are 4-2.
Preseason Prediction: 3. I'm backing off this. I see him in the 4-6 range, especially when Norv Turner benches Rivers and Gates to "fire up" the Bolts.
Grade: D. Look, someone has to blow the curve. Besides, his Yanks are probably going to get World Series rings this year. Come to think of it....:
Adjusted Grade: F-. I hope that A-Rod, the Jeter-Ass-grabbing, Bronson Arroyo glove-slapping, Steroid-taking, Madonna-Fucking, purple lips-having piece of shit commits double-digit errors in the World Series and single-handedly costs his team the title.
5. The Schemers: Interesting team. I'm a big fan of his wideouts, but for some strange reason, he carries 3 QBs on his roster. What's more interesting is that he traded away a fourth. I guess you deal from strength, right? However, he got LT for Matt Schaub. Not sure I understood that move. Of course, he is doing much better record-wise than i am, so who am I to talk? However, i am outscoring him. Part of me thinks that he has one extra player due to the way he derailed the draft with his outbursts. How many of us crossed off names when he shouted them off, and then realized that he couldn't actually take that player? This was exceptionally done on his part, if that's what he was intending. Could be he's just an idiot. God will sort it out.
Preseason Prediction: 10th. Another one I was off on. However, i could end up being right. Remember, right now there are 5 teams that are 4-2.
Grade: B-. The LT-Schaub (or as i like to call it, the "The Munich Agreement") deal was a lousy one. However, I respect the fact that he took a stab at it.
6. Finebeverages: This is a strange team. He has 2 members of the NFL's version of the Jackson 32 (there really are 32 Jacksons attached to NFL teams), and continues to ride the Drew Brees train. Also, to his credit, he has not stopped insulting all of us with really lopsided trade offers. Honestly, it's easier to negotiate with Palestinians than with him. Here's how the trade process works with him:
1. He makes a lopsided offer.
2. You counter with something that is a little more fair.
3. He slams the door in your face and insults your parents.
4. He comes back a week later with a different but equally-lopsided request.
(Repeat steps 2-4 ad nauseum).
Preseason Prediction: 2. I think there is still a possibility of this. Remember, right now there are 5 teams that are 4-2.
Grade: D. Should be better than this. He's definitely one of the more active GMs out there. Loses points for going to the "New" Yankee Stadium so often and supporting such a soulless building and even more soulless franchise.
7. CAPTAIN MORGAN MEN: Seriously, if you saw a guy in a bar striking the Captain's pose like he is in a fucking commercial, wouldn't you immediately throw down with that moron? HRD, i love your avatars. But please, change your team name. We have a squad that features some of the finest spirits and liquors that money can buy, and then we have your team- a team devoted to the propagandizing of a low-rent spiced rum that is favored by white trash guys in denim jackets and sweatpants. Please, we're collectively begging you. I like your players, and think you have a nice team. But if I have to pull out my Anthrax backpatch every time I see your team name, then we are gonna have some issues, bubeleh.
Preseason Prediction: 9th. Yep, i see this holding true. Good luck in the lottery.
Grade: A: Still can't touch this guy's avitars, and even The Wiggles one was funny. Captain Feathersword, he loves to dance, he will show you how, Captain Feathersword, he loves to dance,
Captain Feathersword: I will show you now!
8. The W Boys: Second lowest point total in the league. Inaugural winner of the DOW award (Matt Schaub, Week 6). Donovan McNabb & Matt Schaub are averaging about the same amount of points per week. Umm...guys? Quick Tip: YOU CAN ONLY START ONE OF THEM. TIME TO SHOP ONE OF THEM! ELIMINATE THIS DECISION EACH WEEK! You got Schaub when McNabb got hurt. McNabb is back. And don't gimme s*** about bye weeks. Deal Schaub now.
Also, I can't help but notice that not a single one of your wideouts is averaging more than 10 points per week, and only 2 are averaging more than 6 points per week. i think you need a wideout, and I'm sure there are teams that have weaknesses at QB. But what do I know. I'm just the defending champion.
Preseason Prediction: 5th. I need to back off this prediction. When Justin Fargas gets a start for you, things ain't good.
Grade: C+: You pulled off the trade for Schaub, gotta give you credit for that.
9. Del's Destroyers: To his credit, he has stuck to his guns and hasn't changed his avatar since 1978. What's the matter, Google Images doesn't work on your computer? Try Googling this: "Lady Gaga Penis" and see what happens. That would make a super avatar. This team i among the elite in terms of point-scoring. Does that translate to wins? Well, obviously not. But that's beyond his control. This is a very solid team, and deserves better. However, unless you change your avatar, you have a date with the lottery. And it's time to write Nate Washington the following letter: "Dear Baby, welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."
Preseason Prediction: 8. 'Nuff said.
Grade: C. High grade for a team this low in the standings.
10. The Aristocrats: A team full of underachievers that is poorly managed to boot. Portis, Forte, and Houshyomama have been underwhelming. And I'm at the point now when Rice starts at all costs. I think he has reached that level. Can you say "keeper"? Special thanks to the W Boys for mismanaging their QB situation and keeping me from receiving the DOW award last week.
Preseason Prediction: 12th. I'm close. I can feel it...
Grade: D. I am a human suckfest.
Speaking of the DOW award, we only had a DOW award starting in Week 6. Here is how the first 5 weeks would have gone:
Week 1: (Tie) Patrick Crayton, Del's Destroyers, 22 (benched in favor of Steve Breaston, who was inactive) and Trent Edwards, The Fighting Amish
Week 2: Matt Schaub, The Schemers, 42
Week 3: Pierre Thomas, Finebeverages, 26 (Note: the combined scoring of his 3 starting RBs that week was 25)
Week 4: Saints DST, Del's Destroyers, 34
Week 5: The Schemers, Miles Austin, 43 (Note: he still beat the Convicts by 40.)
Week 6: The W Boys, Matt Schaub, 40
Note: In none of the instances above did it cost their team a win. Interesting.
11. Club Sub Convicts: This guy has his own forum in which to roast himself, so I'm not going to go much further here, other than to say that I am embarrassed for him, with him, and near him. But watch out- there's a storm a-brewin, and it's name is the Commish.
Preseason prediction: 1. Watch, this guy, right here- Boom! It's smash-mouth football Pat- he knocked his hat right off. That's right, the Mud-den curse has hit him. In a related story, I'm accepting "donations" from you all to NOT pick you to be #1 next year. Highest bidder wins.
Grade: F. Utterly terrible. Through the first 2 weeks of the year he was untouchable. Now, please touch him, cuz he is very touchable.
12. The 2009 Donation: I don't even know what to say. Never has the #1 pick worked out so horribly (except for Brien Taylor)., However, i give this guy a lot of credit- he's taking it well. New team name, new avatar, new attitude. However, it is worth pointing out that you don't have to trade Peterson! He's the MVP out there, without a doubt. If you want to re-tool, you do it with him and whatever stud you are going to get in the lottery next year.
Preseason Prediction: 11th. I was close here, but I had no idea it was gonna be THIS bad.
Grade: A. What can you do at this point other than blow it up? And to his credit, that's what he wants to do. I'm proud of him.
Well boys, that does it for me here. I wish you all the best of luck the rest of the way. Thanks for reading; it's all in fun. Remember, right now there are 5 teams that are 4-2.
Mud out. Club Sub!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
