Club Sub: October 2010

In case you couldn't tell, I just can't get enough of myself. Seriously. I write a post every week, do a draft recap, a season recap, and a mid-year report. I'm the shit.

So now that week 7 is in the books,I thought I'd let you all know what I think. Don't take offense, but if you do, please blow it out your ass.

Some observations:
- The Cowboys suck. They may actually perform better behind Jon Kitna than Romo. That in itself is staggering.

- The NFL has completely fucked the entire "head shots" thing. Rather than admit that players are bigger, faster, and crazier than they used to be, they are trying to deliberately soften the game and turn it into flag football (someone else said this, but I don't know who, so I'm crediting whomever it was who said that).

- What do we do if there is a lockout next year? Do we proceed with Fantasy and take our chances, or do we seek some other way to waste our time at work every week?

- We've had 7 different teams take weekly high-man honors.

Let's look at the teams, based on standings.

1. Convicts. Come on, you didn't see this coming? Mud did. 5th in Passing, 3rd in rushing, 9th in receiving, 8th in defense. And a coach rating of 6th. Oh, and the 8th most difficult schedule so far.
Grade: B. Seriously, with the guns you have, you couldn't possibly fuck it up. Therefore, no A. Interesting that a "co-owner" was taken on to "learn the ropes". Boy, LaDanian Tomlinson is working out, isn't he? And then, inexplicably, you trade for Shonn Greene. Is this a depth move, or a stupidity move?
Preseason Rank:1. Mud's on fire so far!
Preseason Sleeper: Joe Flacco. Well, not so much. But he hasn't been bad.
Preseason Bust: Anquan Boldin. OK, I was WAY off here. But you know what? Shut up.

2. Doormats. 1st in rushing, 3rd in passing, 12th in receiving (eek), 5th in defense, with a coach ranking of 3rd and the 10th most difficult schedule. Based on these stats, we should be talking about a 1st place team. However, we aren't. Looks like you need receiver help. And I need rushing help. Wait, I need receiving help too....Never mind. I'm curious about keeping a short bench. You have a roster spot open. Why not fill it?
Grade: A-
Preseason Rank: 4. Definitely a playoff team, but I didn't see him being this good. At the mid-year, this team is my pick for the title.
Preseason Sleeper: Matt Forte. My, haven't things taken a turn in Chicago? He has been relatively solid this year, though, so I stand by this. He is still top 10 in overall RB scoring.
Preseason Bust: Jahvid Best. OK, he's been OK, but take out that 47-point performance, and what you have is Justin Forsett.

3. DaPrez. 2nd in Defense, 6th in passing, 2nd in rushing, 5th in receiving, a coach ranking of 7th, and the 2nd esaiest schedule get you.....3rd place. A member of the nameless rabble of teams that are 4-3 or 3-4 (there are 8 of us!!). Notably, he ranks highest in total points scored, and he is only 4-3. I don't get it. He left 47 points on the bench in McFadden last week, and would have topped 200 yards (in accordance with what the Prophet Mud said).
Grade: C-. Sorry, with the highest point total, you gotta be better than 4-3. I don't give a shit if you can control that or not. And there ain't no flags on the play!
Preseason Rank: 3. Well, what do you know about that?
Preseason Sleeper: Johnny Knox. He appears to still be asleep, along with the rest of the Bears.
Preseason Bust: Ryan Matthews. Mud's spot on again. More fumbles lost than touchdowns. Hasn't gained more than 75 yards in a game all year. Has his highest number of carries in Week 1, where he lost a fumble. That gets you in the doghouse.

4. The Clapp. And that's all I got to say about that. 1st in passing, 6th in rushing, 8th in receiving, 6th in defense, a coach ranking of 1 (wha....?) and the 8th most difficult schedule. Interesting note- the Clapp plays Sloppy's team this week, and you wouldn't believe some of the fossils in this matchup. Sloppy is starting Unitas, Berry (double points) and Paul Hornung, and Clapp is going with Namath, Earl Campbell and Mark Duper.
Grade: B+
Preseason Rank: 6 - A playoff team! Someone please explain to Clapp how "playoffs" work.
Preseason Sleeper: all of them (Ha!)
Preseason Bust: Steven Jackson. Mud was wrong. This guy has put up double-digit performances every week. There has to be something said for that.

5. The Schemers. How this team has a winning record is a mystery to me. 9th in passing, 7th in rushing, 7th in receiving, 1st in defense, coach ranking of 2, and the 6th most difficult schedule. This is smoke and mirrors, folks. Take a look at his lineup and let me know where you would thinks this team is. And now we are riding Kitna's coattails. Good luck.
Grade: A+. Seriously. To be 4-3 with this collection of retards is amazing.
Preseason Rank: 11. Change is a-coming, folks. Maybe not this week, but I can feel the air stirring.
Preseason Sleeper: Ahmad Bradshaw. I'm correct. Very solid.
Preseason Bust: Reggie Bush. Well, I was kinda right. He's been hurt. But all of NO's O-ffense has been a bust.

6. The Amish. My God, 199 points one week, 47 the next. Who runs this team? A collection of monkeys who hurl their own dung at the team roster to determine who starts? Actual blurb on injury report: "J Cutler, Chicago: Probable (dead)". A great story. Compelling, and rich.
Grade: C. I'd like to give you a higher grade, but I wouldn't be able to sleep tonight if I did.
5th in rushing, 10th in passing, 6th in receiving, 12th in defense, coach ranking of 10th, and the 2nd easiest schedule.
Preseason Rank: 10. Give it time, friends. Give it time. And stay thirsty.
Preseason Sleeper: Davone Bess. He's been very solid. I stand by this one.
Preseason Bust: Michael Crabtree. Yup, he sucks.

7. Sloppy's Team. Like the naming conventions. 1st in receiving, 10th in rushing, 11th in passing, 6th in defense, coach ranking of 5th, and the 3rd hardest schedule thus far. Is only above 500 cuz of Kenny Britt. Starts Danny Woodhead regularly. Has Ladell Betts on his roster (still). I don't know what to do with this team. I feel unclean praising it, but yet it doesn't seem worthy of derision, either. So I'll shut up. I usually pick on Sloppy pretty bad, so I'll cut him a break this time.
Grade: C-.
Preseason Prediction: 7. Another one. Christ, I'm good at this.
Preseason Sleeper: None (I did that twice and didn't even realize it).
Preseason Bust: DeAngelo Williams. I stand by this one. He is 28th in total fantasy points amongst RBs and was projected to be top 10. And why he is even in the top 30 is incredible. If you are playing Carolina, why not key on the run? Nobody even knows who their QB is! Is it Jimmy Clausen? Matt Moore? Cousin Elmer?

8. The Weird Boys. I was beating them by 20ish going into MNF when the 3 guys they had erupted for 75 points combined. And really, did Dez Bryant need those 2 TDs? So these guys can go fuck themselves. Also, bonus: If you click on their team page, you can see what 40 years of competition between brothers gets you. Petty snipes at one another. (Note: I changed their name to 'Weird" to protect their real names here). Their team page reads "Weird Boys: John and Jim Weird and John Weird." What, is John running for office and trying to sneak his name into the ballot twice? Why not stay "Rhode Island" and change your name to "aWeird" so it appears first on the ballot?
2nd in receiving, 8th in passing, 8th in rushing, 9th in defense, a coach ranking of 9th, and the 4th toughest schedule.
Grade: F. As in Fuck You!
Preseason Rank: 2. I was way off yet again. I suck.
Preseason Sleeper: Devin Aromashodu. Is this guy still in the league?
Preseason Bust: Kellen Winslow. Is this guy still in the league?

9. The Rusty Trombones. Yes, I'm going to be as hard on myself as anyone else. I'm mired in the group that is 3-4 (4 teams). Frankly, I don't know how I won 3 games. 2nd in passing, 9th in rushing, 11th in receiving, 3rd in defense, coach ranking of 11th, and the 2nd most difficult schedule in the league. While we are here, how is the "coach rating" determined? Does anyone know? I think I'd be in better shape if I weren't an idiot and drafted people like Beanie Wells. And Philip Rivers- good stats, but come on, did you watch the game Sunday? Gates drops a TD pass. Crayton drops everything thrown at him except his paycheck. Do these people even have hands, or do they struggle to wipe their asses cuz they have nubs? Even a guy with nubs should be able to catch a pass or 2. Gates' dropped TD hit him in the fucking facemask. Yikes!
Grade: C. I predicted I'd finish last, so I guess I'm currently exceeding expectations...
Preseason Rank: 12. I suck, but not as bad as this, so I'll say I was wrong here. But I might not be come season's end.
Preseason Sleeper: Zach Miller. Dead on here. One of the elite TEs in the league at this point.
Preseason Bust: My own, but I'm going to edit this to say Ray Rice. Not as elite as we'd like, that's for sure. I still like my boobs, however. They are pleasing to the touch.

10. finebeverages. Drew Brees is sodomizing you. Why you didn't make a run at Ryan Fitzpatrick or Patrick Fitzryan (his partner) amazes me. 4th in passing, 11th in rushing, 10th in receiving, 4th in defense, a coach ranking of12th (Last!) and the 6th-easiest schedule. Despite these shortcomings, you are still a couple of wins away from a playoff spot. I guess that's admirable. What's remarkable is how similar our teams are. We both carry a bunch of RBs who are in platoon situations, and we are both suffering as a result. I think you need to change the "Booker's Sippin Whisky" avatar, too. Time to change the chi and mix up the karma.
Grade: D+
Preseason Rank: 8. not too far off...
Preseason Sleeper: Visanthe Shiancoe. Minnesota is a God-awful mess. You should see my shoes. However, he started out hot...But Randy Moss couldn't have been good for a team with horrible chemistry to begin with.
Preseason Bust: Reggie Wayne. I still maintain that his production would have been down if the entire Colts receiver corps (including Clark) was healthy. But, I'll say I was wrong here, because I don't like confrontation.

11. Avatars. Look, you beat me. I give you credit there. And you continue to provide excellent entertainment value with your avatars. And we thank you for that. Remember- you have the Weird Boys this week, so make sure your avatar is inoffensive to appease them. Now, that said, your team is crap. You are one of 2 teams that are conceivably out of it already. What's remarkable is that you have chosen nearly every valuable commodity off of the waiver wire and still suck.
Grade: D-
Preseason Rank: 5. Far and away my most egregious miss of my predictions. I should have known that you would break my heart.
Preseason Sleeper: Vince Young. Who?
Preseason Bust: Michael Turner. I have picked so many things incorrectly about your team...I don't know if I can trust you anymore. Your abuse of my trust puts me in a shame spiral, and I begin blaming myself. I think it's best that we take a break for a while. You can hang on to my poker table for now. Having it at my house would remind me of you and I don't even know you are anymore. In keeping with your team's theme- you incomplete me.

12. Warriors. Warr-i-ors!! Come out and get your asses kicked! I mean, come out and plaaaaayyyy! This poor bastard. The absolute whipping boy in the league. NO ONE has had more points scored against them, and no one has scored less points. I have concerns about this recipe.
Cook: There's a Shit Casserole in the oven, everyone!
Everyone: Yaaaay!! Shit Casserole!
A lot of isn't in your fault. There have been significant underperformances here...Brady hasn't been great. The RB tandem from Big D has sucked, along with the Cowboys. I don't anyone saw those things coming. But you now have both TEs from New England. Guess what? Crumpler's gonna have a big day this week. You feel the same way, don't you?
4th in receiving, 6th in passing, 12th in rushing, 11th in defense, coach ranking is 4, and the most difficult schedule....Boy, I'm sorry....
Grade: I Incomplete. I'm not sure he hasn't submitted any rosters that weren't illegal.
Preseason Rank: 9
Preseason Sleeper: Pierre Garcon. He was hurt a bit early. I still think big numbers are coming with Collie out and Reggie Wayne buying Just For Men by the case.
Preseason Bust: Mike Wallace (Pittsburgh). I was very wrong here. However, that high ankle sprain comes out of nowhere....

Who knows what the next seven weeks will bring? None of us do. But you can bet your ass I'm going to enjoy watching/writing.

I hope you enjoyed reading this as much I as enjoyed writing it, which was very little. Mud out!