Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Rare action Pics of Club Sub Special Ops "Veal Team Six"
Details have surfaced regarding the low profile training session in the desert that the 7 man special ops club sub team recently completed.
The Veal Team Six trained at The Gun Store recently. News cameras were not allowed inside but the noises heard outside the doors were something special. A few employees told us that The Veal Team Six fired several rounds from various high powered weapons. "Most members are very skilled at firing warning shots." "A few skillfully hit their target once or twice." "One member was told many times to use his open eye." One employee told us. The training session was very quick as they seemed really hungry. As you can see, targets rarely hit, but the scare tactic was there.
The Veal Team Six trained at The Gun Store recently. News cameras were not allowed inside but the noises heard outside the doors were something special. A few employees told us that The Veal Team Six fired several rounds from various high powered weapons. "Most members are very skilled at firing warning shots." "A few skillfully hit their target once or twice." "One member was told many times to use his open eye." One employee told us. The training session was very quick as they seemed really hungry. As you can see, targets rarely hit, but the scare tactic was there.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Club Sub Eats out Vegas (no women were harmed)
Mirrored after the classic Nick Cage Movie, “Leaving Las Vegas”, Club sub attempted its own tribute called “Eating Las Vegas”. In fact, after sending in 6 members on a trial run, 6 more elite special service members, called “Veal Team Six” were summoned to rescue the first six. Alas they also just stayed and ate as well. Also the following statement was redacted by the US government:
Club Sub Members, having been married for so long, they almost never get to ----- any more on their own, as such they were determined to see the must luscious ----- they could find, and then ----- the shit out of it. They were determined to find ----- of all shapes, sizes and origins of it , and ---- it primarily with their fingers and tongues. When one could finally ----- no more, they would occasionally smoke a cigar, grow tired of ----- , and take a nap.
Wiki leaks says that despite the innuendo of the above statement, the missing words were always: “eat” followed by “food”.
Below lies a chronology of events, listed by food type.
Steakday (Monday): sub members arrive at the airport, likely having eaten both breakfast and lunch at home, yet they all seem famished as they charge the airport Chilis. In a meal that would later cost the price of one steak dinner, 50 potatoes are consumed and families with small children are horrified by the food carnage and tasteless stories. On board, Sub members attempted various ways of passing the time, from sleeping, to drinking, to reading, to telling stories to strangers, and to poking stewardesses, aka flight attendants. Big Sloppy, it now apparent having never flown before or dealt with a woman, became known by the staff as “Pokey” for his penchant to poke a stewardess with his finger when asking for his 7th round of Vanilla Wafers. Apparently “you’ve eaten them all” doesn’t qualify for a “no”. Sloppy: remember, in both food and women in your dorm room: No means No. In a positive outcome, Sloppy was renamed “PokerJack”, and received a nice tribute on the airplane loudspeaker. Upon arriving in Vegas, Sub was welcomed celebrity style with a “Welcome Club Sub” sign and large limousine, courtesy very nicely of Jack Daniels. Upon then imbibing a shot of Jack Daniels, members were off to a 2 hour ride down the strip to see the sites and buy some liquor. It was at this time the official shirts of the trip were introduced, to much amusement. The team then bought 3400 cans of miller lite, hoping it would last until Tuesday. Cost was 18.50 per person. Rap music was played for everyone’s entertainment but apparently a cassette tape was required as the distortion was as bad as our later dreams would be. Arrival at the Luxor seemed innocent enough, until the “Luxor Surprise” happened and Jack Kerouac want the first contest of “first member to have a conflict with a non member”. First the Luxor charged each room a “luxury fee” of 60 dollars, which if you look up, luxor comes from the word luxury which comes from the Greek word “to rape”. Upon then learning that no upgrades were available, Kerouac put his 5 dollar bribe away and demanded that we all be given rooms on the same floor. Rebuffed, he uttered the famous: “how about Mandalay, I’ll bet they have rooms for us, maybe I’ll take my business there.” Unfortunately he forgot that Mandalay and Luxor, being owned by the same conglomerate, couldn’t care less which we stayed at. Bargaining power thus diminished, we moved on. Rooms were ok though some members, preferring sub arctic temperatures, were disappointed in the AC systems which was critical as they spent at least 1 hour per day in the room. That night the boys hosted their first “daily drinks” and began to live the luxury life they had all planned, yup, J walker Blue, X0 Congac, Cubans, and bags of potato chips on the bed. Toasts complete we headed for Circus Circus's hotel ripped to shreds housing nothing but poor people with too many kids, aka, what America will look like if Obama wins 4 more years. But in this desert there was an oasis, “The Steakhouse”. After peppering the bartender, Classy Freddy Blassie, with some questions, we sat down to eat, and all began to ask the same question-would this be the first meal that hijack and lojack asked for separate checks. Thankfully it was not. Delicious meal completed, we embarked on cigar smoking and yelling at people to take their kids home. Some returned to the bar, some played poker, some gambled. Soon enough, day 2 would be here.
Buffet Day (Tuesday): 4 hours later, day 2 was here as many members began walking the casinos halls at 6 am like zombies. Having no daily events planned, this day is quite a blur until sundown. Glasses were again raised for toasts, the Rio Buffet beckoned. Oh but if we had not heard its siren call. For it was not worthy of the weeks worth of food. Following the “Clump” family in, our hopes were high. But alas, watery shrimp, salty meat and crab legs made of plastic made for Jack Benny to limit himself to just 9 trips. Additionally the first member injured occurred here as lo jack chipped a tooth on an egg that had a bone in it. And here I went all this time on earth not thinking eggs had bones in them. Much better was the “Rat Pack is back” show immediately following. A fantastic show worth watching, it again highlighted how we were all born in the wrong era. Duly impressed and depressed, we made our way back for more drinking, gambling and non sleeping.
Brazil day (Wed): Wed brought forth our first experience with the Luxor pool. Having acquired (we literally bought the cabana for the year at the price we paid) a cabana worthy of King Tut, we proceeded to take the pool area over. Sunburn, drinking, music, smoking, homo erotic poolfootball, this day had it all. As Jack Benny said, in the line of the day: “this is my element!” Pool football was the first event to see injuries, in this case all twelve members cutting their toes, and Klompis needing nearly to be rescued by the lifeguard, in 3 feet of water, as both his calves seized up simultaneously while trying to catch a football and drink at the same time. The spectacle of 6 on 6 pool football led to a number of comments by passerbies. Some overheard were: “what are they doing”, “its ok they’re special”, “are some of them real football players”, “is that ball so small or are they so big” “do they know how gay they look?” Duly injured and tired, the teams began toasts once again, and this time moved on to Texas De Brazil for what can only be described as an orgy of meat on a stick. The meat was just too much, leaving many members in states of despair and anguish. This was heightened, when upon our departure, the “the thunder from down under show” challenged us to a pool football game. Members were so full at this point that many just returned home for the comfort of their own toilet. And thus began, the meat inspired hallucinations. Both Klompis and Benny had what can only be described as Jim Morrison type revelations while they slept. Klompis awoke believing that Jack the Ripper had been out all night, and returned by “security” who then stood outside the door to prevent him from leaving. Jack Benny hallucinated that his stomach ate the rest of his body, yet he was still hungry. Both Jacks found each other wondering around the casino at 6am in what can only be described as a Brazilian un waxed meat induced haze.
Palms Steak day (Thursday): Thursday represented the first split in the organization of any substance, as 7/12 of the group went to shoot guns and 5/12 went to play poker. The gunfiring was highlighted by the first warning shots ever fired at a range, as The Ripper missed his target with all five shots, to the dismay of his gun handler. Kerouac and Hi jack both rented guns whose power can only be replicated on the streets of South Central, the boom was louder than the gas that comes out of President Jack. Many members exited the gunstore feeling like they were finally “men” and wanting to punch kick or tackle something. Alas pool football was over. The other group migrated to Binions for poker tournaments and returned with the famed In and Out burger, so named because it might come out of you before you leave the restaurant. Upon merging the groups, they returned to the cabana, this one purchased at a more reasonable rate by the newly trained negotiator Jack Benny. The pool cabana on day 2 was a bit less spirited than day 1, though it did uncover who the most sunburnt on the trip was, as Jack benny’s burnt orange body narrowly beat on the Ripper’s burnt scalp. The Cabana day ended with Kerouac arriving just as everyone left. Kerouac, cumulatively won the award for “missing the longest” given days of time unaccounted for. The end of Thursday led to another split, this time as some members followed Lumberjack to the NY NY rollercoaster. It seems lumberjack, so strong and intimidating, is yet somehow fearful of spiraling 300 miles an hour upside down in a steel tramp maintained by a high school drop out. Go figure. Club Sub then met up for drinks and toasts and then on to the Palms, specifically the 9 steakhouse. And what an epic steakhouse it was. In a week of great eats, this was the best dinner many of us have ever had. In a sense it was our last supper, and what a perfect ending, as we even had a Judas incident, over gnocchi of course. But first, the dinner began with Kerouac purchasing so many Patron shots that the stock price actually went up that night. This led to the start of an epic dinner, begun with an assortment of lobster bisques (where the bisque?), onion and other soups, as well as some excellent rock shrimp. There was then some debate about how many lobster mashed potatoes to order. Clearly 100 was the right answer but we settled for less than 1 per person. This led to the biggest intra sub feud and also intra brother feud, otherwise known as the “The Great Gnocchi Incident”. In deconstructing the incident, it appears that Hijack ordered a side of gnocchi which he had no intent on sharing. We hasten to add, the gnocchi was in addition to the enourmous meal he and we all ordered, so it is not as if the gnocchi were his only food option, which makes the events all the more humorous. Lojack, being the gentleman he is, passed Hijack’s gnocchi plate around the table, where it was met by ravenous forks and “oohs and ahs”. Hijack, seeing his side dish dwindle like liquor at Lindsey Lohan’s house, went on a tirade which was both humorous, uncomfortable, and unfathomable. Once can only imagine that it likely was spurred by 40 years of brotherly resentment, as the fight included lines like: “Mom told me she liked me better”, and “oh yeah, well Dad actually talked to me once”. The steaks were outstanding, and followed by dessert. A genius idea, to put a flaming fire filled with marshmallows in front of a group of drunks. The members then spent time lighting their marshmellow sticks on fire like 4 year olds. Is intrigued some neighboring Asians who sent over an interesting desert from their table for us to try, perhaps they had seen us playing pool football. Anyway around this time the exec chef, an ally of Club Sub, gave Sub the full Goodfellas tour, including thru the kitchen (as you were) and to “the door”. A monstrous sized doors signed by both celebrities, athletes, and Too Short. Perhaps the best signature was Johnny Bench: #1 eater. Well Club Sub has something to say about that. Alas they would not allow us to sign, even though we picked our spot out: right over Kobe’s signature. (Perfect time for Jack benny’s Jeopardy line from Sean Connery: “I’ll take the Rapist for 500”). We were then given additional exclusive access to the Hotel’s “Playboy club”, which can only be described as Satan’s Lair. Panoramic views of the city were quickly ignored due to the Biggy Smalls music, drinking, blackjack dealers in bunny outfits, and overall mayhem that was ensuing before our eyes. You know it’s a good place when signs say “No nudity, and only 1 person per bathroom stall”. As amazing as this place was, we tired quickly of it, being roughly 2x everyone’s age in the place. Members returned to hotel, intent on pulling an all nighter, but plans were made to attend the Hash house a go go the next morning. Apparently things got a bit out of hand this night as Kerouac turned over a blackjack table after betting his plane ticket on it. However once they realized he was out of money they returned his plane ticket.
Friday: Hash House day
Friday’s attendees for breakfast dwindled quickly due to no one waking up on time. Four members attended and it was as advertised, a pancake the size of a car tire, a waffle house the size of the Ripper’s apartment. Full of food, we left for the airport, except we didn’t because the shuttle didn’t show up. When it did, a driver with no vocal cards helped us out. He represents Benny’s future if he keeps smoking. Lunch at the airport brought on any number of “hey hijack, can you share those chicken fingers with us” jokes. And then we were off, back to our regular lives as above average husbands, fathers, lovers, and drinkers. Well one out of four ain’t bad. But don’t be sad, we’ll all be back in one year, or at least 10. See you then.
Club Sub Members, having been married for so long, they almost never get to ----- any more on their own, as such they were determined to see the must luscious ----- they could find, and then ----- the shit out of it. They were determined to find ----- of all shapes, sizes and origins of it , and ---- it primarily with their fingers and tongues. When one could finally ----- no more, they would occasionally smoke a cigar, grow tired of ----- , and take a nap.
Wiki leaks says that despite the innuendo of the above statement, the missing words were always: “eat” followed by “food”.
Below lies a chronology of events, listed by food type.
Steakday (Monday): sub members arrive at the airport, likely having eaten both breakfast and lunch at home, yet they all seem famished as they charge the airport Chilis. In a meal that would later cost the price of one steak dinner, 50 potatoes are consumed and families with small children are horrified by the food carnage and tasteless stories. On board, Sub members attempted various ways of passing the time, from sleeping, to drinking, to reading, to telling stories to strangers, and to poking stewardesses, aka flight attendants. Big Sloppy, it now apparent having never flown before or dealt with a woman, became known by the staff as “Pokey” for his penchant to poke a stewardess with his finger when asking for his 7th round of Vanilla Wafers. Apparently “you’ve eaten them all” doesn’t qualify for a “no”. Sloppy: remember, in both food and women in your dorm room: No means No. In a positive outcome, Sloppy was renamed “PokerJack”, and received a nice tribute on the airplane loudspeaker. Upon arriving in Vegas, Sub was welcomed celebrity style with a “Welcome Club Sub” sign and large limousine, courtesy very nicely of Jack Daniels. Upon then imbibing a shot of Jack Daniels, members were off to a 2 hour ride down the strip to see the sites and buy some liquor. It was at this time the official shirts of the trip were introduced, to much amusement. The team then bought 3400 cans of miller lite, hoping it would last until Tuesday. Cost was 18.50 per person. Rap music was played for everyone’s entertainment but apparently a cassette tape was required as the distortion was as bad as our later dreams would be. Arrival at the Luxor seemed innocent enough, until the “Luxor Surprise” happened and Jack Kerouac want the first contest of “first member to have a conflict with a non member”. First the Luxor charged each room a “luxury fee” of 60 dollars, which if you look up, luxor comes from the word luxury which comes from the Greek word “to rape”. Upon then learning that no upgrades were available, Kerouac put his 5 dollar bribe away and demanded that we all be given rooms on the same floor. Rebuffed, he uttered the famous: “how about Mandalay, I’ll bet they have rooms for us, maybe I’ll take my business there.” Unfortunately he forgot that Mandalay and Luxor, being owned by the same conglomerate, couldn’t care less which we stayed at. Bargaining power thus diminished, we moved on. Rooms were ok though some members, preferring sub arctic temperatures, were disappointed in the AC systems which was critical as they spent at least 1 hour per day in the room. That night the boys hosted their first “daily drinks” and began to live the luxury life they had all planned, yup, J walker Blue, X0 Congac, Cubans, and bags of potato chips on the bed. Toasts complete we headed for Circus Circus's hotel ripped to shreds housing nothing but poor people with too many kids, aka, what America will look like if Obama wins 4 more years. But in this desert there was an oasis, “The Steakhouse”. After peppering the bartender, Classy Freddy Blassie, with some questions, we sat down to eat, and all began to ask the same question-would this be the first meal that hijack and lojack asked for separate checks. Thankfully it was not. Delicious meal completed, we embarked on cigar smoking and yelling at people to take their kids home. Some returned to the bar, some played poker, some gambled. Soon enough, day 2 would be here.
Buffet Day (Tuesday): 4 hours later, day 2 was here as many members began walking the casinos halls at 6 am like zombies. Having no daily events planned, this day is quite a blur until sundown. Glasses were again raised for toasts, the Rio Buffet beckoned. Oh but if we had not heard its siren call. For it was not worthy of the weeks worth of food. Following the “Clump” family in, our hopes were high. But alas, watery shrimp, salty meat and crab legs made of plastic made for Jack Benny to limit himself to just 9 trips. Additionally the first member injured occurred here as lo jack chipped a tooth on an egg that had a bone in it. And here I went all this time on earth not thinking eggs had bones in them. Much better was the “Rat Pack is back” show immediately following. A fantastic show worth watching, it again highlighted how we were all born in the wrong era. Duly impressed and depressed, we made our way back for more drinking, gambling and non sleeping.
Brazil day (Wed): Wed brought forth our first experience with the Luxor pool. Having acquired (we literally bought the cabana for the year at the price we paid) a cabana worthy of King Tut, we proceeded to take the pool area over. Sunburn, drinking, music, smoking, homo erotic poolfootball, this day had it all. As Jack Benny said, in the line of the day: “this is my element!” Pool football was the first event to see injuries, in this case all twelve members cutting their toes, and Klompis needing nearly to be rescued by the lifeguard, in 3 feet of water, as both his calves seized up simultaneously while trying to catch a football and drink at the same time. The spectacle of 6 on 6 pool football led to a number of comments by passerbies. Some overheard were: “what are they doing”, “its ok they’re special”, “are some of them real football players”, “is that ball so small or are they so big” “do they know how gay they look?” Duly injured and tired, the teams began toasts once again, and this time moved on to Texas De Brazil for what can only be described as an orgy of meat on a stick. The meat was just too much, leaving many members in states of despair and anguish. This was heightened, when upon our departure, the “the thunder from down under show” challenged us to a pool football game. Members were so full at this point that many just returned home for the comfort of their own toilet. And thus began, the meat inspired hallucinations. Both Klompis and Benny had what can only be described as Jim Morrison type revelations while they slept. Klompis awoke believing that Jack the Ripper had been out all night, and returned by “security” who then stood outside the door to prevent him from leaving. Jack Benny hallucinated that his stomach ate the rest of his body, yet he was still hungry. Both Jacks found each other wondering around the casino at 6am in what can only be described as a Brazilian un waxed meat induced haze.
Palms Steak day (Thursday): Thursday represented the first split in the organization of any substance, as 7/12 of the group went to shoot guns and 5/12 went to play poker. The gunfiring was highlighted by the first warning shots ever fired at a range, as The Ripper missed his target with all five shots, to the dismay of his gun handler. Kerouac and Hi jack both rented guns whose power can only be replicated on the streets of South Central, the boom was louder than the gas that comes out of President Jack. Many members exited the gunstore feeling like they were finally “men” and wanting to punch kick or tackle something. Alas pool football was over. The other group migrated to Binions for poker tournaments and returned with the famed In and Out burger, so named because it might come out of you before you leave the restaurant. Upon merging the groups, they returned to the cabana, this one purchased at a more reasonable rate by the newly trained negotiator Jack Benny. The pool cabana on day 2 was a bit less spirited than day 1, though it did uncover who the most sunburnt on the trip was, as Jack benny’s burnt orange body narrowly beat on the Ripper’s burnt scalp. The Cabana day ended with Kerouac arriving just as everyone left. Kerouac, cumulatively won the award for “missing the longest” given days of time unaccounted for. The end of Thursday led to another split, this time as some members followed Lumberjack to the NY NY rollercoaster. It seems lumberjack, so strong and intimidating, is yet somehow fearful of spiraling 300 miles an hour upside down in a steel tramp maintained by a high school drop out. Go figure. Club Sub then met up for drinks and toasts and then on to the Palms, specifically the 9 steakhouse. And what an epic steakhouse it was. In a week of great eats, this was the best dinner many of us have ever had. In a sense it was our last supper, and what a perfect ending, as we even had a Judas incident, over gnocchi of course. But first, the dinner began with Kerouac purchasing so many Patron shots that the stock price actually went up that night. This led to the start of an epic dinner, begun with an assortment of lobster bisques (where the bisque?), onion and other soups, as well as some excellent rock shrimp. There was then some debate about how many lobster mashed potatoes to order. Clearly 100 was the right answer but we settled for less than 1 per person. This led to the biggest intra sub feud and also intra brother feud, otherwise known as the “The Great Gnocchi Incident”. In deconstructing the incident, it appears that Hijack ordered a side of gnocchi which he had no intent on sharing. We hasten to add, the gnocchi was in addition to the enourmous meal he and we all ordered, so it is not as if the gnocchi were his only food option, which makes the events all the more humorous. Lojack, being the gentleman he is, passed Hijack’s gnocchi plate around the table, where it was met by ravenous forks and “oohs and ahs”. Hijack, seeing his side dish dwindle like liquor at Lindsey Lohan’s house, went on a tirade which was both humorous, uncomfortable, and unfathomable. Once can only imagine that it likely was spurred by 40 years of brotherly resentment, as the fight included lines like: “Mom told me she liked me better”, and “oh yeah, well Dad actually talked to me once”. The steaks were outstanding, and followed by dessert. A genius idea, to put a flaming fire filled with marshmallows in front of a group of drunks. The members then spent time lighting their marshmellow sticks on fire like 4 year olds. Is intrigued some neighboring Asians who sent over an interesting desert from their table for us to try, perhaps they had seen us playing pool football. Anyway around this time the exec chef, an ally of Club Sub, gave Sub the full Goodfellas tour, including thru the kitchen (as you were) and to “the door”. A monstrous sized doors signed by both celebrities, athletes, and Too Short. Perhaps the best signature was Johnny Bench: #1 eater. Well Club Sub has something to say about that. Alas they would not allow us to sign, even though we picked our spot out: right over Kobe’s signature. (Perfect time for Jack benny’s Jeopardy line from Sean Connery: “I’ll take the Rapist for 500”). We were then given additional exclusive access to the Hotel’s “Playboy club”, which can only be described as Satan’s Lair. Panoramic views of the city were quickly ignored due to the Biggy Smalls music, drinking, blackjack dealers in bunny outfits, and overall mayhem that was ensuing before our eyes. You know it’s a good place when signs say “No nudity, and only 1 person per bathroom stall”. As amazing as this place was, we tired quickly of it, being roughly 2x everyone’s age in the place. Members returned to hotel, intent on pulling an all nighter, but plans were made to attend the Hash house a go go the next morning. Apparently things got a bit out of hand this night as Kerouac turned over a blackjack table after betting his plane ticket on it. However once they realized he was out of money they returned his plane ticket.
Friday: Hash House day
Friday’s attendees for breakfast dwindled quickly due to no one waking up on time. Four members attended and it was as advertised, a pancake the size of a car tire, a waffle house the size of the Ripper’s apartment. Full of food, we left for the airport, except we didn’t because the shuttle didn’t show up. When it did, a driver with no vocal cards helped us out. He represents Benny’s future if he keeps smoking. Lunch at the airport brought on any number of “hey hijack, can you share those chicken fingers with us” jokes. And then we were off, back to our regular lives as above average husbands, fathers, lovers, and drinkers. Well one out of four ain’t bad. But don’t be sad, we’ll all be back in one year, or at least 10. See you then.
Club Sub Nicknames for Vegas
Club Sub Nicknames for Vegas (Failure to call member by Jack name resulted in free drink for said Jack)
DaPrez = Jack Kennedy
Frank White = Jack Klompis
Schemer = Jack The Ripper
Hitman = Jack in the Box
Terminator = Lumberjack
Tilt = Jack Kerouac
Mud = Jack Benny
That Guy = Hi Jack
The Rat = Lo Jack
Clap = Jack Sparrow
Big Sloppy = Poker Jack
DV = Jack Daniels
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Vegas drinking in V.I.P. Style
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