Mud's Mid-Year FF Report

Can you believe that we are halfway thru another Fantasy Football season? Seems like only yesterday we were dodging falling branches, downed power lines, bodies, and all sorts of other flotsam and jetsam on the way to DaPrez's house for the draft...What a bad idea that was...

At any rate, it's time for me to criticize your teams without any fear of reprisals, as most of you are ill-equipped to retort (be it technical or intellectual). Let's take a look at the teams based on the standings thru 7 weeks and apply a song lyric that fits (a la John Buccigross).

1. finebeverages
Total Points: 958.5 (1)
Coach rating: 6th
Schedule Difficulty: 10th
Passing rank: 4th
Rushing rank: 2nd
Receiving rank: 3rd
DST rank: T11th
Power ranking: 2
"Feelin' alright. Uh huh. I'm not feelin' too good myself." Joe Cocker, Feelin' Alright

A lot of people don't succumb to the allure of Fantasy Football for many reasons. Many want to watch football games objectively. Many think that with outside influence (rooting for players playing against your favorite team) it clouds their support and can have an adverse affect on the outcome of said favorite team's performance. Whatever the reason, they don't get invloved. Fine, to each his own. Personally, I really enjoy it- I enjoy the camaraderie, the trash-talking, the ability to interact with my buddies on a near weekly basis, and the certain things that go on each season like clockwork.
Which brings us to this guy and his annual insulting trade offers. This year, he offered Jahvid Best (and a throwaway wideout) to me for Fred Jackson (and a throwaway wideout). At the time (and even now) Fred was one of the top 2 RBs in the league, so I asked him why I would make such a trade. He responded after Best broke off an 88-yard TD run during a Monday Night game, and he said "THAT'S why you should trade for him!". Apparently, he didn't pay attention to the fact that even with that 88-yard run, Fred Jackson STILL outscored Best that week. Granted, I suck as a GM when it comes to trades, so I admire the effort. But give me a bit more credit.
Mid-year grade: A. Did anyone notice how he brought a "specialist" to the draft with him, and suddenly his team is awesome? Hmm....Better pay the kid, or he'll be pulling a Jed Hoyer and leaving your ass for a better offer to run his own team.

2. Doormats
Total points: 950.5 (2nd)
Coach rating: 1st
Schedule difficulty: 6
Passing rank: 1st (thank you Aaron Rodgers!)
Rushing rank: 4th
Receiving rank: 11th
DST rank: 1st
Power ranking: 1st
"me and Cinderella...put it on together...we can drive it home...with one headlight." Wallflowers, One Headlight

It's really hard to say nasty things about this guy. He is generally well-liked, he's complimentary, and he's had horrible teams up until this season. Well, I say fuck that. Let's tear him a new one.
This guy.....ummm....well...ummm...he's not very tall! Take that for riding the coattails of Rodgers and McFadden! Doesn't matter- he should be able to coast into the playoffs at this point. Just like the 2011 Sox.
Mid-year grade: A. But now Hillis is hurt and the bye weeks are catching up to him.....And Victor Cruz is showing how lousy he really is...

3. Mikey's the big winner
Total points: 919 (4th)
Coach rating: 5th
Schedule difficulty: 5th
Passing rank: 7th
Rushing rank: 3rd
Receiving rank: 1 (can you say "Wes Welker"?)
DST rank: T11th
Power ranking: 3rd
"I'm nerdy to the extreme, whiter than sour cream- I was in A/V club and glee club and even the chess team." Weird Al Yankovic, White 'n Nerdy

Ranking 1st in receiving and 3rd in rushing is a recipe for success! And can you imagine how effective this guy would be at FF if he didn't spend so much time working? Apparently, he is too bsuy coming up with a new Sabre-metric type of softball stat that ties alcohol consumption (and ejaculation frequency) to OPS to go out and get a better DST/Kicker. I'm surprised you haven't found the "Stats" link in the FF website yet, bud. Seems like it would be right up your alley. Unless of course you have invented your own stats, which I'm sure you have. And I'm sure you named the corresponding computer program "Carmine II". And I'm sure it runs on punch cards.
Mid-year grade: B+.

4. The W boys
Total points: 804 (7th)
Coach rating: 11th (this is what happens when you have 2 GMs!!)
Schedule difficulty: 12 (and 4th is the best you can do?)
Passing rank: 5th
Rushing rank: 11th
Receiving rank: 5th
DST rank: 2nd
Power rank: 6th
"Pull the blindfold down, so your eyes can't see. Now run as fast as you can- thru this field of trees." Editors, Smokers Outside the Hospital Doors

It cracks me up that these guys are in 4th place and the only stat in which they rank in the top 33% is DST (which in this metric includes kickers). I guess that early selection of Seabass is paying off for you, huh? News Flash, assholes! RUSHING WINS CHAMPIONSHIPS. Look at all of the previous winners of this league, and tell me what they have in common. And another thing- change your team name so I can list it here in full and don't have to edit it. Damnit! And thank for putting "Tim Tebow" on your "On The Block" page- I'm sure we're all lining up for a guy that went 13 of 27 against Miami (with 2 fumbles). Are you seriously looking to trade him? Seems like a franchise guy! If you said to me, "You can have Tim Tebow or genital warts" I'd take Tebow, but I'd have to think about it. Also, one final note. On the CBS Fantasy page, there was a recently a trade in one of the other leagues on the site that went like this: Tim Tebow, QB, for Chad Henne, QB.
Mid-year grade: B+. Call it what you want, but they are in 4th, and even though they haven't played anyone good yet, they are in fourth. So they get a B+. Yes, i grade on a curve.

5. The Schemers
Total points: 771.5 (10th)
Coach rating: 8th
Schedule difficulty: 11th
Passing rank: 10th
Rushing rank: 9th
Receiving rank: 6th
DST rank: T8th
Power rank: 8th
"I wish i was in the land of cotton..." (traditional) Dixieland

Look at the above numbers again. I'll wait.
Pay particular attention to the "Schedule difficulty" metric. This guy, while currently in 5th, will be pulling a small piece of paper out of a hat in August. No question about it. Bye weeks hurt, but do they hurt enough to start Tashard Choice and his -2? Did "Tashard Choice" even appear on your many pieces of graph paper before the draft? This team is not unlike the Confederate army in the Civil War. Outstanding strategic and tactical leadership, great morale, ran out to a bunch of early victories before their logistical support and supplies ran out, and then- well, we all know what happened. Google "Lost Cause".
Grade: C. Once again, another overacheiver helped by an easy schedule. Sickening.

6. Hey, Hanrahan!
Total points: 920 (3rd)
Coach rating: 7th
Schedule difficulty: 1st (Damn right. Look out for Mud in the 2nd half!)
Passing rank: 6th
Rushing rank: 1st (remind to get Forte and Jackson some Isotoner gloves this Christmas)
Receiving rank: 4th
DST rank: 7th
Power rank: 4th
"Snap my fingers, make you mine- if not, I'll snap a second time. After that I guarantee you will be standing next to me." Jungle Brothers, Because I Got it Like That

Get on the Mud bandwagon! Here is where I make some sort of argument about why I'm better (as usual). But the reality is- I don't have to (and yet I will). Toughest schedule. In a playoff position. Best run game. On 2 seperate occasions I scored the 2nd highest point total of the week and lost. That's how fucking good my team is. Unless you play me on week 8 or week 11, which- well, I'm in trouble this week. Fortunately, A Rodgers is on that Bye week too.We'll see.
Grade: B+. I have 2 of the top 10 TEs in the league, and can only start 1. This is causing me to do a lot of research prior to each week, and I shun hard work, so please make me an offer for Daniels (or "Daniel" if you are the W Boys) or Pettigrew.

7. The Fighting Amish
Total points: 859.5 (5th)
Coach rating: 10th
Schedule difficulty: 2nd
Passing rank: 2nd
Rushing rank: 12th
Receiving rank: 2nd
DST rank: 5th
Power rank: 5th
"You came on your own- that's how you'll leave." Editors, An End has a Start

All of the other owners should be embarassed. This guy phoned in the draft (literally) and only picked like 2 guys on his own, started guys on bye weeks, started guys who were on the Injury report with statuses like "Dead- Out for week 4" and is fighting for a playoff spot? That said, if we were to have an "ownership change", this team would be most likely to move in the middle of the night to the Commish's brother, who is conveniently "learning Fantasy Football in the hopes of getting his own team"....HMMMMMMMMMMMM. I'm not trying to start trouble- just reporting on what it looks like from here.
Grade: A-. I have to say- I don't know how the fuck this guy is doing it. I really don't....Good luck, Mr. Polian. Or Bud Adams. Whichever shoe fits today.

8. A's Avatars
Total points: 777 (9th) (I'd like to see "777" on a slot machine. Who wouldn't?)
Coach rating: 3rd (I'm sorry, I just can't believe that)
Schedule difficulty: 9th
Passing rank: 3rd
Rushing rank: 10th
Receiving rank: 10th
DST rank: T8th
Power rank: T10
"Today, my heart swings." Interpol, The Heinrich Maneuver

Today, my heart does swing. Recently, in week 6, Avatars re-used one of the Avatars from last season. The effect on me was not unlike dropping a cue ball on my nuts from 15 feet. I was crushed. Deep in despair. It made me question everything I know about this man. Is it possible that he has used up all of his soft-core porn Avatars? I'd be lost- a man without a religion, a purpose, a goal, a cause' d'existance. Fortunately, he rebounded in Week 7 with a strong Avatar- an ass-slapping whore who wants it! She CLEARLY wants it.
So, while still somewhat disappointed, I am hopeful that the mine has more gold in it, that the well has not yet run dry. I hope to see my friend and shake his hand (euphemsim). I hope the Pacific is as blue as in my dreams...I hope....
Grade: B+. Great Avatars earn a high grade. His team is horrendous, though.

9. Club Sub Convicts
Total points: 762.5 (11th)
Coach rating: 9th (another 2-headed monster!)
Schedule difficulty: 4th
Passing rank: 8th
Rushing rank: 7th
Receiving rank: 9th
DST rank: 10th
Power rank: T10
"Me and my shadow...Strollin' down the avenue." Sinatra/Davis, Me and My Shadow

So O.V. is learning all about Fantasy Football from the Hit Man/Commish. Think he'll learn things like, "here's how to manipulate the website to move us to 3rd place instead of 10th" and "here's how to change the rules mid-season and hide it from everyone"? Learning from Hit Man? That's like learning how to sign free agents from Theo Epstein (too soon?). I think O.V.'s primary role this season is to get coffee for Hit Man and replace the toilet paper in the V household (a full-time gig, btw). In another note, strollin' down the avenue is underrated.
Grade: D+. You'd think 2 Vs are better than one. Alas, this experiment just ain't workin'.

10. Warriors
Total points: 806.5 (6th)
Coach rating: 5th
Schedule difficulty: 7th
Passing rank: 8th
Rushing rank: 8th
Receiving rank: 7th
DST rank: 6th
Power rank: 7th
"We're fated to pretend...To pretend." MGMT, Time to Pretend

Really, why wouldn't your heart go out to this guy? He's a perpetual also-ran in this league...And I'm sure that deep down this bugs the shit out of him. And this year, he's putting up a good amount of points, enough to perhaps get him close enough to a playoff berth that he can taste it...and yet it remains far away. He says things like "wow, my team sucks ha ha ha", but I think it bothers him more than he lets on...Terminator- It's not your fault. Your team isn't really that bad. And now that the vacation that half of your team was on is over, you should be right back in the thick of it. Oh, wait- 6 guys on bye week 7.....5 guys on bye week 8 and not enough wideouts to make a roster....Eesh...Oh, well...
Grade: C-.

11. DaPrez
Total points: 784.5 (8th)
Coach rating: 12th (Isn't this guy a coach in real life?)
Schedule difficulty: 8th
Passing rank: 12th
Rushing rank: 6th
Receiving rank: 8th
DST rank: 3
Power rank: 9th
"Does anyone know where the faith of God goes when the waves turn the minutes to hours?" Gordon Lightfoot, Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald

You're motherfucking right I quoted a Gordon Lightfoot song. And you're also motherfucking right I quoted a song about a tragic shipwreck. Cuz that's what this team is. And you know something else? They are WHAT WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!!!! And we let 'em off the hook! "Mud, you just quoted Gordon Lightfoot and Dennis Green in the same paragraph!" You can Google it all you want. Mud just made history.
Anyway, I chose that song, and specifically that line (which is one of the most powerful lines in the song) because while you can't compare dying in a shipwreck to a miserable Fantasy Football season, there are some distinct paralells- namely, that you just want it to end. Some question their faith in times like that- others rely on it, and yet others join a flag football league that plays on Sunday mornings because he just isn't out of the house enough.
Grade: F+. One thing we won't be calling this guy at the end of the 2011 Fantasy Football season? "Three-time Club Sub Fantasy Football Champion".

12. The Clapp
Total points: 733 (12th)
Coach rating: 2nd (which means that this team could actually be worse!)
Schedule difficulty: 3rd
Passing rank: 11th (Manning would have helped, huh?)
Rushing rank: 5th
Receiving rank: 12th
DST rank: 4th
Power rank: 12th
"Someone left the cake out in the rain...And I don't think I can take it, cuz it took so long to bake it, and I'll never have that recipe again...." Richard Harris, Macarthur Park

The Clapp is last. And it's fitting, because that's where the clap ranks. Last. Well, except for maybe the Hiv, but there's no one in this league called "The Hiv", so "The Clapp" will have to be last. And God, what a rotten team. This team is so bad that they have a player named "Colt McCoy" in the starting lineup. This team is so bad that it is what DaPrez's team pukes up. This team is so bad.....THEY DO NOT EVEN HAVE AN AVATAR. "No Avatar, no identity" is what i always say.
Grade: I. That's right- "Incomplete". Cuz that's what this team is.

All right lads, there you have it. Good luck the rest of the way, and if you don't like what i have to say, please blow it out your ass.

Peace! Deuces!