Club Sub Grievance Process

Club Sub introduced a new order into the books last night over a deductible business dinner. (What we are deducting from  we have no idea. Though we would point out that Club Sub’s economic picture, unlike the country’s, hasn’t gotten worse. Consider that while we have no revenue, assets or cash flow, and therefore we basically have zeroes across the board, that is actually not that bad  because at least it’s not negative. Our Club Sub president, while failing at fund raising and dues collecting, has succeeded at not putting us into debt. Another words, by doing nothing, we are actually in better shape than most federal, state and local entities. But I digress.)  Anyway given that 99% of Club sub is populated by school teachers or other union hacks (postal officer HRD) ( thus making Mud, Big Daddy and VP the “one percenter‘s“)  its surprising it took this long for our new resolution to be introduced.  By unanimous consent last night, bill 001 “The Grievance Process” has been passed. The bill is informally known as the “Gnocchi Act”.   The law entitles each Sub Member to one, and only one, grievance per year*.  This grievance is to be used vs. another member, and must be filed within 72 hours of the act (CS has a very short statute of limitations, due to its short memory, due to its large drinking habit). The filing is to be made with DaPrez. DaPrez may then call a hearing of potential witnesses before rendering his impartially foolish judgement. Now there are a number of important items related to this process:

1. The penalty, if a grievance is found to be valid, is solely determined by DaPrez. Remember this is not a democracy. Penalties can range from light penalties like “bring a case of yuengling to the next game”, to harsher rulings like “you will be last in line for food at the next event”, to: “you must sit with the girls during the superbowl party (note not a penalty for John).”
2. If a grievance is filed against DaPrez, the VP will hear the grievance. The VP is looking forward to such circumstances.
3. * Much like the NFL replay rules, but improved upon-if you file a grievance and win, you get another grievance. Another words you are not penalized for successfully “grieving” someone. Our improvement on the NFL is you are not capped  at 3 challenges. Theoretically there is no end to how many grievances you could file if you keep winning them.
4. With the passage of the act last night, only grievable offenses from yesterday and forward can be raised. You cannot file a grievance because Mud stunk out your kitchen 2 years ago at a dinner party. But that being said, we took a look back at some of the more grievable offenses in Club Sub history.

1. “The people vs. the Flyin Hawaiian” 2005: Flyin Hawaiian introduces: Asians of mixed race.com. No end to how many of us would have filed grievances on this.
2. “The people vs. Teepee” 2008: Sloppy’s entrance exam to Club sub-taking a roll of teepee off a tailgating bus. Apparently a # of people thought this a very light task and its possible both the pres and vp could have been grieved against at the same time.
3. “The people vs. the Gnocchi” July -2011-The Gnocchi incident: we all know the story, so many grievances would have been filed that DaPrez is likely to have rendered judgement right during the dinner. Interesting what the punishment would have been.
4. “The people vs. the stories” 2005-present:Various examples of The Rat praising his kids at inopportune times, like when you are trying to memorialize some talent at the orange, or in a hand that could win a poker tournament.
5. “The people vs. Glade” 1997, four men, a van, and a lot of beer, depart for Cooperstown NY. Unkown to three of the men, the fourth possesses an ass invaded by the devil himself. As such he proceeds to stink out the car causing the other three to steal a can of glade from a gas station bathroom and spray his “fart box” repeatedly on the drive up. In retrospect this  would have been the first of many grievable offenses by your President.
6. “The people vs. 9/11 and Milk” 2011: a deranged Sean Penn look alike and yet actual club sub member, takes over the microphone at the Club Sub party and proceeds to demoralize the crowd. Grievance filed by  Cloot, whose “girlfriend” lost someone in the towers and never saw Cloot again after this(though some believe that was likely in the works already).
7. “The people vs. HRD” whether its passing out at strip clubs during bachelor parties, swearing at grandparents and puppies, or just being generally repugnant, there are no shortages of grievable offenses in the mailman’s past.
8.  “The people vs. the Cold” 2006-2011: the Terminator’s host the best xmas party but each year forget to turn the heat on. This leads each member to hear complaints from their freezing wives. Yet no one wants to file a grievance for fear of being grieved out of an invite the following year, because its such a good party.
9. “The people vs. Utz Chips” 1990-20012: numerous grievances could have been filed vs. John Ward for showing up at parties with Utz chips (who even makes these) and then leaving the party with the same bag of chips. In fact it may be exactly the same bag every time.
10. “The people vs. the ungrievable” 2012: to The Hitman, who pronounced after a few pitchers of beer last night that he is “the least grievable member of Club Sub”, thus almost ensuring a microscopic lens on his actions as members look for any and all opportunities to grieve him.

So with that, all members have been informed to be on their best behavior, because we have now entered a union like environment in which grievances can be filed anywhere anytime. Fortunately, much like a union, none of this will have any impact.