Club Sub: 2013

Hi all- it's that time again, where Mud makes fun of all of you (and myself) for your (and my) complete ineptitude when it comes to Fantasy Football. Remember, this is in fun, and I love you all more than platonically. But feel free to blow it out your ass all the same.

Here are the projected final standings and draft rankings for each of your sorry, bitch-ass teams. From worst to first.

12. Warriors
Mr Irrelevant: Martellus Bennett (he needed 1.21 jigawatts to go back to get him)
Draft Sleeper: Leonard Hankerson. When RGIII is crippled for life around week 4, a pocket passer will come in and fall in love with Mr Hanky.
Draft Bust: Either of the Wilson sisters, Nancy or Ann. They have sucked since "Crazy on You". Sophmore Slump coming for both of them.
Mud's Draft Opinion: D- . Nice that you have Roddy White and Calvin Johnson, but there were franchise RBs on the board, and you chose to go with.....LeGarrette Blount? Actually, I retract that...You never know what Coach Bill's gonna do. But that notwithstanding, I see a long season in store for the AD of CF. You gotta do better drafting RBs when your other RB is named "Giovani". Is he a soccer player? Forza Azzurri!

11. The Clapp
Mr Irrelevant: Fred Davis
Draft Sleeper: Kenny Britt. Can anyone else name any receiver/TE on Tennessee's roster? Britt's the only one I have heard of, so he's my sleeper. It also speaks of the complete lack of research this guy did prior to the draft.
Draft Bust: Wes Welker. Don't expect the same type of #s he had with Brady.
Mud's Draft Opinion: D. Clapp's avatar is a picture of a trophy with the word "CHAMP" on it. Talk about false advertising.

10. Del's Destroyers
Mr Irrelevant: Bilal Powell
Draft Sleeper: Larry Fitzgerald. He may not meet the criteria of a sleeper, but he actually has a QB now who can throw a little.
Draft Bust: Eric Decker. We're 2 for 2 on white wideouts from Denver. Denver will be the Demaryius Thomas show this year.
Mud's Draft Opinion: D. Every year this guy is first to the draft, but gets eliminated from the playoffs just as quickly. You should try Fantasy Bowling. Or real bowling. Perhaps lawn bowling.

9. Al's Avatars
Mr Irrelevant: Owen Daniels
Draft Sleeper: Isaac Redman. This guy is gonna make everyone who had a short-lived erection over Le'Veon Bell shrivel up like George Costanza in the pool.
Draft Bust: Greg Jennings. Somewhere around week 3, Jennings is going to wake up in a cold sweat and realize that Christian Ponder is his QB. And if it ever got to that point, the 3rd stringer there is a guy named "McLeod Bethel-Thompson". I swear I'm not kidding.
Mud's Draft Opinion: D+. Look, as a fellow sufferer of IBS, I feel a certain connection with Al. I'm quick to embrace him and say "I thought I was the only one!". But I need to be honest here. This is not a very good football team.

8. The Fighting Amish
Mr Irrelevant: James Starks
Draft Sleeper: Chris Givens. With Amendola gone and the O-Line beefed up, and Bradford getting a little more seasoned, I think this guy is gonna have a decent year. But I'll stop at decent.
Draft Bust: DeSean Jackson. I don't like this piece of shit at all. And maybe my feelings aren't objective, but so be it. I don't see any of you fuckers taking a couple hours to write a blog.
Mud's Draft Opinion: D+ You'd think that I'd rank him higher because he brought me a bottle of Scotch (much appreciated), but the reality is this guy would be 11th if Scotch weren't procured. So I DID rank him higher. So there.

7. The Schemers
Mr Irrelevant: Jared Cook
Draft Sleeper: Alshon Jeffrey. Chicago's defense isn't going to score 29 touchdowns this year, so Cutler will be throwing a lot. Marshall will pick up lots of double-teams, and.....Look, Willie Gault's not walking thru that door, folks. But Alshon Jeffrey is.
Draft Bust: Antonio Gates. We've reached the point of lunacy with falling in love with "what Antonio Gates used to be". This is the last WWI vet still alive, and he is still playing football. I see a PED suspension in his immediate future.
Mud's Draft Opinion: C-. He will finish in the dreaded "only one lottery ticket, but no playoffs" position, also known as the "Where Mud finishes every year except 2008" Memorial Trophy.

6. Club Sub Convicts
Mr Irrelevant: Brandon Myers
Draft Sleeper: Brandon Myers. All he does is catch touchdowns, with all due respect to Chris Carter.
Draft Bust: Colin Kaepernick. Just because he is a Grade-A DOUCHEBAG. I think all of those tattoos are a clear overcompensation for something. Just like my car.
Mud's Draft Opinion: C. I see them sneaking into the playoffs, which will be a new experience for this franchise. Someone remind them to set their rosters in week 15. (2010 was a fluke.)

5. DaPrez
DaMr DaIrrelevant: DaKyle DaRudolph
DaDraft DaSleeper: DaRyan Broyles. As good as Megatron is, I don't see Matt Stafford throwing into triple-teams that much, so Pettigrew, Burleson, and Broyles will benefit.
Draft DaBust: OK, I'm done with adding "Da" to everything. (it's much tougher than you think. You know you're out of shape when holding down the "shift" key is a chore). RG III. This guy may die on the field this year. OF COURSE I don't want that to happen. But don't say I didn't warn you.
Mud's Draft Opinion: C+. I can see him possibly upsetting someone in the playoffs, but the 3-time champ will remain.......the 3-time champ. Plus, he's been to a "Jack'n Jill" shower. I haven't, because I am a man.

4. W Boys
Mr Irrelevant: Hooman (did you really think I'd write his whole name?)
Draft Sleeper: Kenbrell Thompkins. Just because I'm really rooting for this guy to be at least an option for Brady.
Draft Bust: MJD. He doesn't want to be in Jax, they don't want him there, they suck, nobody likes them, all 7 of their fans are stupid, their uniforms are wimpy, and it's the most horrible place on earth.
Mud's Draft Opinion: C+. Last year I had them ranked terribly, and they proved me wrong by making the playoffs. The Civil War I had envisioned didn't happen. Although the Rat gets props for trying to derail The Schemers by informing them that the draft was cancelled. Or moved. Whatever. He picked an easy target.

3. The 2011 Donation (I'm going throwback on the name!)
Mr Irrelevant: Jordan Cameron (Is it me, or do all of the tight ends in this league sound like junior executives at some New York marketing firm? Jordan, Owen, Rob, Brandon, etc)
Draft Sleeper: DeAngelo Williams. Look for a big year out of the old-timer who was one of the first I saw to have stupid-long dreds.
Draft Bust: Chris Johnson. He was next with the dreds. He also sucks.
Mud's Draft Opinion: B-. This guy will benefit from the first-ever "Everyone Gets a Trophy! Yaaaaay!!!" 3rd-place prize. And why do I say that? Because fuck you, that's why.

2. Look how cool I am! I can name lots of obscure alcoholic drinks!
Mr Irrelevant: Rashad Jennings. I thought this would be a great pick, until I saw that he plays for Oakland.
Draft Sleeper: T.Y. Hilton. I had never heard of anyone named "T.Y." until this guy came along. Torch is being passed in Indy, folks.
Draft Bust: Tavon Martin. er, I mean, Tavon Austin. Look, even though Bradford will be better, it's tough for a rookie this highly-touted to come in with Sam Bradford and make people forget about Danny Amendola. Give him a couple of years.
Mud's Draft Opinion: B+. Solid team, but he will suffer a terrible defeat at the hands of Mud's team in the finals. Sorry to say. Although it was nice to see Al Davis bring his son to the draft.

1. Your Testicles and You
Mr Irrelevant: Rob Housler (who might actually be on IR by the time this blog goes to print. Who cares about the Mr Irrelevant contest, anyway?)
Draft Sleeper: Ben Tate. Arian Foster will be hospitalized by week 4, and retired at the end of the year. Ben Tate is the wave of the future!
Draft Bust: Matt Ryan, as much as it pains me to say it, cuz I really like him. But I have feeling that the Atlanta Genital Institute (har!) will have a better offense than the Atlanta Falcons this year.
Mud's Draft Opinion: A. As long as this team stays healthy, I don't think it can be touched. Meaning, I think I have the best team on paper. But football is not played on paper. It's played on a gridiron. A gridiron in a stadium. WAR......MEMORIAL...... STADIUM (r.i.p. George Carlin).

That said, it was great draft, and this is a great league.....Now let's play ball! God, I fucking love football.
(note: I reserve the right to alter my predictions up to and including after the season ends.)