Club Sub: 2014

Okay, so last night I was informed that some of you morons actually read my preview. I'm shocked by this, in many ways, but that said, my apologies on the delay. I've been very busy, and because I'm not part of a labor union, I can't just go on strike whenever I want with no career repercussions, like most of the people reading this. Also, in recent months, some of us have been keeping loose company with someone who is actually a professional writer ("professional" means that he is paid to do it), so you probably now know that my shit is weak and I need to stay on my B game just to stay relevant. I don't want to be replaced. I'm needy, and require validation.

So, in an effort to actually get this out there, I'm going to dispense with the predictions and where I think you'll finish and who your Mr Irreleavnt is (because I honestly don't remember) and I'm just going to make fun of you and myself. Enjoy! And if you don't enjoy, then you can go roger yourself. Or each other. And while I was cleaning out the draft's 248 dozen stratified donuts from my dining room, a thought occurred to me: we are all OLD. Will we all bring Ensure and disposable enemas to next year's draft? Metamucil? Will we put Murder, She Wrote on a continuous loop on the TV? And can an enema be anything OTHER than "disposable"?

And as long as we're discussing enemas, we'll start with my team. (And can we get rid of the goddamn Countdown to Vegas clock?)

Mud's Team
I said at the draft that I will either go 3-11 or 11-3. I mean this. My team has no identity. If you look at my track record, you will observe that I have sucked the majority of the time. There have been outliers (2008) and a couple of seasons of abject unremarkability (2011, 2013), but by and large, my teams have been turrible. This means, kids, that I am someone who is dependent on extremes, at least in Fantasy Football terms. I find this interesting, because I am historically mediocre at everything else, like parenting, home repair, general accounting, driving (I said it), and most athletic pursuits. Week 1 note- I like my team, as it turns out so far. Holy shit, I just discovered I'm bipolar. Look, a blue car! Today's gonna be a great day. Fuck you! And apparently I also have Tourette's. I do have a prescription for the Adderall, though, so I shouldn’t get suspended for that. I did, however, eat too many donuts. And news flash- I have single-handedly raised the stock price of Golden Corral, Inc. I'm fat. And it makes me sad, so I eat.
*sigh*

DaPrez
In about 3 years we can expect that there will be a bidding war among orthopedic surgeons to obtain DaPrez as a patient. Whomever wins will be able to retire after completing all of the procedures needed to fix this motherfucker's ailments. I'm actually considering going to med school to leap into the fray, cuz let's face it- we'll be set for life. The City of Providence won't need to worry about funding the pension plan- they will need to worry about funding the health insurance plan. But we'll all end up paying for it, cuz he will single-handedly bankrupt HealthSource RI. And we all know that all he needs to do is stop thinking that he is an athlete and stop playing flag football and trying out for American Ninja Warrior 7 (The Trials of Pyramis!). Just sit the fuck down on your hemorrhoid donut and stop costing us money. His team looks good, though, even if he can't read it cuz he forgot his reading glasses. And because of his love for technology, he'll be the first one of us to have the latest smartphone, the Samsung Galaxy Geriatric, The world's first smartphone with a 36" display! Free with every purchased 3-pack of oxygen canisters! Featuring font sizes of up to 84-point! And it comes with a special bracket that clips onto his Rascal. Sorry, I didn't really tie that back to Fantasy Football at all. But it was fun to write. And I think DaPrez is just trying to keep up with his beloved cousin, the Poser, who seems to be ageless.

ClubSub Convicts/The W Boys
Does anyone know how many championships teams with multiple owners have won? Well, I do. And it is less than 1. It is the opposite of "any". The number looks not unlike the letter "O". Therefore, since performance matters, and the only true performance management metric in sports is "Championships Won", it stands to reason that this management style simply doesn't work. Is it because they have the same philosophy, and are equally bad? Do they have different management philosophies, and one just trumps the other? We don't know. All we can see on the outside is the results, and to tell you truth, I don't think any of us care which fucking Arthur Demoulas is running the show. It's just tiresome to deal with. Truthfully, your teams don't look half-bad, but bad ownership trumps talent. It was interesting, on Draft Day, to hear the commish tell us all how we're using a clock for draft picks and then basically turn it off when it was the Convicts turn to draft. And then we all had to sit there and watch....and.....wait....and then debate on how many Tight Ends we could start (thank you, W Boys, for making the draft start an hour late!)....I mean, seriously, what the fuck. Well, W Boys and Convicts- time to split up. And for this, my friends.....you're on the clock.

Clapp
I had started to write a bunch of stuff about Clapp and his team, but was interrupted by this e-mail from the Commish:

"Hello owners. Clapp is having problems accessing the website. I have sent out an email inviting you to join the league. Please ignore this unless you are Clapp"

Let's face it. Technology is not this fucker's strong suit. First, his draft research (about 10k of data, and he won't understand this joke) was lost when his Commodore 64 developed an issue with its cassette drive, and since his Univac II wouldn't fit in his car, and nobody else has a machine that operates on punch cards, he showed up unprepared for the draft and had to borrow Schemer's "pencil and graph paper" manifesto. I mean, just read all of this again....I am honestly stunned with what I just typed, and it's the goddamn truth. Meantime, the Commish has a fucking tablet, but wasn't able to enter the draft results because he doesn't know how to use it. What has happened to ClubSub? The only thing this blurb is missing is this "HELLO EVERYONE YOU CAN FOLLOW US ON THE FACEBOOK MACHINE AND THE TWEETER BY LIKING OUR PAGE AND RE TWITTING I LOOK FORWARD TO A GREAT SEASON SINCERELY COMMISH AND CLAPP THAN KYOU". Week 1 update: well, the Luddites have spoken. Between Schemer and his graph paper and Clapp and his ticker-tape, perhaps we're going about this the wrong way and have too much technology. Schemer has been competitive nearly every year, incluidng championships, and, while Clapp may take a loss this week, he's putting up a big number. So maybe we are too beholden to the machines. But even so, it's fun to make fun of old people. Hell, even Coach Bill seems to have an iPad now, and it certainly didn't help against Miami.

The Food and Beverage Committee
Since this guy apparently has a side business in food distribution, and should care about perception and marketing, he appears to have insulted half of his target demographic by attempting to return to his pre-marriage reputation as a "LadyKiller".
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Get it?
Too soon?
I think the Trendy Ethnic Condiments (are you going to be "Chipotle Mayo" next week?) team has a chance to make some noise this year. Granted, Week 1 saw a 1-point performance from his defense, and he has a few kinks to work out, but I like his RBs, in Stacy, Bernard, and Murray, and he had the good sense to keep his snot-nosed, entitled little brat of a son quiet during the draft except for the sales of some sort of card that gets you absolutely nothing. I looked more closely at the thing, and it appears to have been written on a piece of index card like that license plate that that woman tried to pass off in Massachusetts last week. In a related story, I owe this guy $4, which I forgot about this weekend. I'll get it to you at some point. I'll place an order for 3 cases of Sriracha and we'll call it even. Deal? Deal. BTW, just kidding about AC. He's welcome every year, In fact, you can send him next year and you can stay home, but I suppose there are some legality issues around him bringing the Bloody Mary kit....We'll sort that out.

LaMont Jordan’s Beard
Our Week 1 2^nd highest point total belongs to a man who has successfully blended Zach Galifinakis’ facial hair with Gary Cole’s coif from Office Space. Yeah, I’m gonna need you to go ahead and not be a reTARD. Thank you for once again successfully bringing whiskey to my home and adding to my already impressive liquor cabinet. I taunted this man at the draft about drafting Matt Ryan, who then proceeded to kick significant ass this week. He did the same for me in weeks 1-7 last year, and once teams adjusted to him, he became the fantasy equivalent of your presence in the league after the draft. C’mon man, you’re a funny bastard. Participate in the hijinks, I beseech thee! You’re going to be awake at weird hours with your child, post something for the love of all that’s holy. I also taunted him about the Dwayne Bowe pick. How D-Wayne hasn’t tested positive for weed is mind-boggling to me. He’s essentially the athletic version of Jim Breuer’s character from Half-Baked at this point. Lesson, sir: I limped into the playoffs last year and got waxed. No reason to believe that the same players will perform better under your expert tutelage.

Part II to be posted soon. Stay tuned.