Monday, September 29, 2014
Tuesday, September 09, 2014
Mud's Fantasy Football Preview, Part I: The first 7 Teams I was Able to Craft Witty Things About
Okay, so last night I was informed that some of you morons actually read my preview. I'm shocked by this, in many ways, but that said, my apologies on the delay. I've been very busy, and because I'm not part of a labor union, I can't just go on strike whenever I want with no career repercussions, like most of the people reading this. Also, in recent months, some of us have been keeping loose company with someone who is actually a professional writer ("professional" means that he is paid to do it), so you probably now know that my shit is weak and I need to stay on my B game just to stay relevant. I don't want to be replaced. I'm needy, and require validation.
So, in an effort to actually get this out there, I'm going to dispense with the predictions and where I think you'll finish and who your Mr Irreleavnt is (because I honestly don't remember) and I'm just going to make fun of you and myself. Enjoy! And if you don't enjoy, then you can go roger yourself. Or each other. And while I was cleaning out the draft's 248 dozen stratified donuts from my dining room, a thought occurred to me: we are all OLD. Will we all bring Ensure and disposable enemas to next year's draft? Metamucil? Will we put Murder, She Wrote on a continuous loop on the TV? And can an enema be anything OTHER than "disposable"?
And as long as we're discussing enemas, we'll start with my team. (And can we get rid of the goddamn Countdown to Vegas clock?)
Mud's Team
I said at the draft that I will either go 3-11 or 11-3. I mean this. My team has no identity. If you look at my track record, you will observe that I have sucked the majority of the time. There have been outliers (2008) and a couple of seasons of abject unremarkability (2011, 2013), but by and large, my teams have been turrible. This means, kids, that I am someone who is dependent on extremes, at least in Fantasy Football terms. I find this interesting, because I am historically mediocre at everything else, like parenting, home repair, general accounting, driving (I said it), and most athletic pursuits. Week 1 note- I like my team, as it turns out so far. Holy shit, I just discovered I'm bipolar. Look, a blue car! Today's gonna be a great day. Fuck you! And apparently I also have Tourette's. I do have a prescription for the Adderall, though, so I shouldn’t get suspended for that. I did, however, eat too many donuts. And news flash- I have single-handedly raised the stock price of Golden Corral, Inc. I'm fat. And it makes me sad, so I eat.
*sigh*
DaPrez
In about 3 years we can expect that there will be a bidding war among orthopedic surgeons to obtain DaPrez as a patient. Whomever wins will be able to retire after completing all of the procedures needed to fix this motherfucker's ailments. I'm actually considering going to med school to leap into the fray, cuz let's face it- we'll be set for life. The City of Providence won't need to worry about funding the pension plan- they will need to worry about funding the health insurance plan. But we'll all end up paying for it, cuz he will single-handedly bankrupt HealthSource RI. And we all know that all he needs to do is stop thinking that he is an athlete and stop playing flag football and trying out for American Ninja Warrior 7 (The Trials of Pyramis!). Just sit the fuck down on your hemorrhoid donut and stop costing us money. His team looks good, though, even if he can't read it cuz he forgot his reading glasses. And because of his love for technology, he'll be the first one of us to have the latest smartphone, the Samsung Galaxy Geriatric, The world's first smartphone with a 36" display! Free with every purchased 3-pack of oxygen canisters! Featuring font sizes of up to 84-point! And it comes with a special bracket that clips onto his Rascal. Sorry, I didn't really tie that back to Fantasy Football at all. But it was fun to write. And I think DaPrez is just trying to keep up with his beloved cousin, the Poser, who seems to be ageless.
ClubSub Convicts/The W Boys
Does anyone know how many championships teams with multiple owners have won? Well, I do. And it is less than 1. It is the opposite of "any". The number looks not unlike the letter "O". Therefore, since performance matters, and the only true performance management metric in sports is "Championships Won", it stands to reason that this management style simply doesn't work. Is it because they have the same philosophy, and are equally bad? Do they have different management philosophies, and one just trumps the other? We don't know. All we can see on the outside is the results, and to tell you truth, I don't think any of us care which fucking Arthur Demoulas is running the show. It's just tiresome to deal with. Truthfully, your teams don't look half-bad, but bad ownership trumps talent. It was interesting, on Draft Day, to hear the commish tell us all how we're using a clock for draft picks and then basically turn it off when it was the Convicts turn to draft. And then we all had to sit there and watch....and.....wait....and then debate on how many Tight Ends we could start (thank you, W Boys, for making the draft start an hour late!)....I mean, seriously, what the fuck. Well, W Boys and Convicts- time to split up. And for this, my friends.....you're on the clock.
Clapp
I had started to write a bunch of stuff about Clapp and his team, but was interrupted by this e-mail from the Commish:
"Hello owners. Clapp is having problems accessing the website. I have sent out an email inviting you to join the league. Please ignore this unless you are Clapp"
Let's face it. Technology is not this fucker's strong suit. First, his draft research (about 10k of data, and he won't understand this joke) was lost when his Commodore 64 developed an issue with its cassette drive, and since his Univac II wouldn't fit in his car, and nobody else has a machine that operates on punch cards, he showed up unprepared for the draft and had to borrow Schemer's "pencil and graph paper" manifesto. I mean, just read all of this again....I am honestly stunned with what I just typed, and it's the goddamn truth. Meantime, the Commish has a fucking tablet, but wasn't able to enter the draft results because he doesn't know how to use it. What has happened to ClubSub? The only thing this blurb is missing is this "HELLO EVERYONE YOU CAN FOLLOW US ON THE FACEBOOK MACHINE AND THE TWEETER BY LIKING OUR PAGE AND RE TWITTING I LOOK FORWARD TO A GREAT SEASON SINCERELY COMMISH AND CLAPP THAN KYOU". Week 1 update: well, the Luddites have spoken. Between Schemer and his graph paper and Clapp and his ticker-tape, perhaps we're going about this the wrong way and have too much technology. Schemer has been competitive nearly every year, incluidng championships, and, while Clapp may take a loss this week, he's putting up a big number. So maybe we are too beholden to the machines. But even so, it's fun to make fun of old people. Hell, even Coach Bill seems to have an iPad now, and it certainly didn't help against Miami.
The Food and Beverage Committee
Since this guy apparently has a side business in food distribution, and should care about perception and marketing, he appears to have insulted half of his target demographic by attempting to return to his pre-marriage reputation as a "LadyKiller".
...
...
...
Get it?
Too soon?
I think the Trendy Ethnic Condiments (are you going to be "Chipotle Mayo" next week?) team has a chance to make some noise this year. Granted, Week 1 saw a 1-point performance from his defense, and he has a few kinks to work out, but I like his RBs, in Stacy, Bernard, and Murray, and he had the good sense to keep his snot-nosed, entitled little brat of a son quiet during the draft except for the sales of some sort of card that gets you absolutely nothing. I looked more closely at the thing, and it appears to have been written on a piece of index card like that license plate that that woman tried to pass off in Massachusetts last week. In a related story, I owe this guy $4, which I forgot about this weekend. I'll get it to you at some point. I'll place an order for 3 cases of Sriracha and we'll call it even. Deal? Deal. BTW, just kidding about AC. He's welcome every year, In fact, you can send him next year and you can stay home, but I suppose there are some legality issues around him bringing the Bloody Mary kit....We'll sort that out.
LaMont Jordan’s Beard
Our Week 1 2nd highest point total belongs to a man who has successfully blended Zach Galifinakis’ facial hair with Gary Cole’s coif from Office Space. Yeah, I’m gonna need you to go ahead and not be a reTARD. Thank you for once again successfully bringing whiskey to my home and adding to my already impressive liquor cabinet. I taunted this man at the draft about drafting Matt Ryan, who then proceeded to kick significant ass this week. He did the same for me in weeks 1-7 last year, and once teams adjusted to him, he became the fantasy equivalent of your presence in the league after the draft. C’mon man, you’re a funny bastard. Participate in the hijinks, I beseech thee! You’re going to be awake at weird hours with your child, post something for the love of all that’s holy. I also taunted him about the Dwayne Bowe pick. How D-Wayne hasn’t tested positive for weed is mind-boggling to me. He’s essentially the athletic version of Jim Breuer’s character from Half-Baked at this point. Lesson, sir: I limped into the playoffs last year and got waxed. No reason to believe that the same players will perform better under your expert tutelage.
Part II to be posted soon. Stay tuned.
Wednesday, July 09, 2014
Friday, May 30, 2014
Wednesday, September 04, 2013
Mud's FF Preview and Draft Report 2013
Hi all- it's that time again, where Mud makes fun of all of you (and myself) for your (and my) complete ineptitude when it comes to Fantasy Football. Remember, this is in fun, and I love you all more than platonically. But feel free to blow it out your ass all the same.
Here are the projected final standings and draft rankings for each of your sorry, bitch-ass teams. From worst to first.
12. Warriors
Mr Irrelevant: Martellus Bennett (he needed 1.21 jigawatts to go back to get him)
Draft Sleeper: Leonard Hankerson. When RGIII is crippled for life around week 4, a pocket passer will come in and fall in love with Mr Hanky.
Draft Bust: Either of the Wilson sisters, Nancy or Ann. They have sucked since "Crazy on You". Sophmore Slump coming for both of them.
Mud's Draft Opinion: D- . Nice that you have Roddy White and Calvin Johnson, but there were franchise RBs on the board, and you chose to go with.....LeGarrette Blount? Actually, I retract that...You never know what Coach Bill's gonna do. But that notwithstanding, I see a long season in store for the AD of CF. You gotta do better drafting RBs when your other RB is named "Giovani". Is he a soccer player? Forza Azzurri!
11. The Clapp
Mr Irrelevant: Fred Davis
Draft Sleeper: Kenny Britt. Can anyone else name any receiver/TE on Tennessee's roster? Britt's the only one I have heard of, so he's my sleeper. It also speaks of the complete lack of research this guy did prior to the draft.
Draft Bust: Wes Welker. Don't expect the same type of #s he had with Brady.
Mud's Draft Opinion: D. Clapp's avatar is a picture of a trophy with the word "CHAMP" on it. Talk about false advertising.
10. Del's Destroyers
Mr Irrelevant: Bilal Powell
Draft Sleeper: Larry Fitzgerald. He may not meet the criteria of a sleeper, but he actually has a QB now who can throw a little.
Draft Bust: Eric Decker. We're 2 for 2 on white wideouts from Denver. Denver will be the Demaryius Thomas show this year.
Mud's Draft Opinion: D. Every year this guy is first to the draft, but gets eliminated from the playoffs just as quickly. You should try Fantasy Bowling. Or real bowling. Perhaps lawn bowling.
9. Al's Avatars
Mr Irrelevant: Owen Daniels
Draft Sleeper: Isaac Redman. This guy is gonna make everyone who had a short-lived erection over Le'Veon Bell shrivel up like George Costanza in the pool.
Draft Bust: Greg Jennings. Somewhere around week 3, Jennings is going to wake up in a cold sweat and realize that Christian Ponder is his QB. And if it ever got to that point, the 3rd stringer there is a guy named "McLeod Bethel-Thompson". I swear I'm not kidding.
Mud's Draft Opinion: D+. Look, as a fellow sufferer of IBS, I feel a certain connection with Al. I'm quick to embrace him and say "I thought I was the only one!". But I need to be honest here. This is not a very good football team.
8. The Fighting Amish
Mr Irrelevant: James Starks
Draft Sleeper: Chris Givens. With Amendola gone and the O-Line beefed up, and Bradford getting a little more seasoned, I think this guy is gonna have a decent year. But I'll stop at decent.
Draft Bust: DeSean Jackson. I don't like this piece of shit at all. And maybe my feelings aren't objective, but so be it. I don't see any of you fuckers taking a couple hours to write a blog.
Mud's Draft Opinion: D+ You'd think that I'd rank him higher because he brought me a bottle of Scotch (much appreciated), but the reality is this guy would be 11th if Scotch weren't procured. So I DID rank him higher. So there.
7. The Schemers
Mr Irrelevant: Jared Cook
Draft Sleeper: Alshon Jeffrey. Chicago's defense isn't going to score 29 touchdowns this year, so Cutler will be throwing a lot. Marshall will pick up lots of double-teams, and.....Look, Willie Gault's not walking thru that door, folks. But Alshon Jeffrey is.
Draft Bust: Antonio Gates. We've reached the point of lunacy with falling in love with "what Antonio Gates used to be". This is the last WWI vet still alive, and he is still playing football. I see a PED suspension in his immediate future.
Mud's Draft Opinion: C-. He will finish in the dreaded "only one lottery ticket, but no playoffs" position, also known as the "Where Mud finishes every year except 2008" Memorial Trophy.
6. Club Sub Convicts
Mr Irrelevant: Brandon Myers
Draft Sleeper: Brandon Myers. All he does is catch touchdowns, with all due respect to Chris Carter.
Draft Bust: Colin Kaepernick. Just because he is a Grade-A DOUCHEBAG. I think all of those tattoos are a clear overcompensation for something. Just like my car.
Mud's Draft Opinion: C. I see them sneaking into the playoffs, which will be a new experience for this franchise. Someone remind them to set their rosters in week 15. (2010 was a fluke.)
5. DaPrez
DaMr DaIrrelevant: DaKyle DaRudolph
DaDraft DaSleeper: DaRyan Broyles. As good as Megatron is, I don't see Matt Stafford throwing into triple-teams that much, so Pettigrew, Burleson, and Broyles will benefit.
Draft DaBust: OK, I'm done with adding "Da" to everything. (it's much tougher than you think. You know you're out of shape when holding down the "shift" key is a chore). RG III. This guy may die on the field this year. OF COURSE I don't want that to happen. But don't say I didn't warn you.
Mud's Draft Opinion: C+. I can see him possibly upsetting someone in the playoffs, but the 3-time champ will remain.......the 3-time champ. Plus, he's been to a "Jack'n Jill" shower. I haven't, because I am a man.
4. W Boys
Mr Irrelevant: Hooman (did you really think I'd write his whole name?)
Draft Sleeper: Kenbrell Thompkins. Just because I'm really rooting for this guy to be at least an option for Brady.
Draft Bust: MJD. He doesn't want to be in Jax, they don't want him there, they suck, nobody likes them, all 7 of their fans are stupid, their uniforms are wimpy, and it's the most horrible place on earth.
Mud's Draft Opinion: C+. Last year I had them ranked terribly, and they proved me wrong by making the playoffs. The Civil War I had envisioned didn't happen. Although the Rat gets props for trying to derail The Schemers by informing them that the draft was cancelled. Or moved. Whatever. He picked an easy target.
3. The 2011 Donation (I'm going throwback on the name!)
Mr Irrelevant: Jordan Cameron (Is it me, or do all of the tight ends in this league sound like junior executives at some New York marketing firm? Jordan, Owen, Rob, Brandon, etc)
Draft Sleeper: DeAngelo Williams. Look for a big year out of the old-timer who was one of the first I saw to have stupid-long dreds.
Draft Bust: Chris Johnson. He was next with the dreds. He also sucks.
Mud's Draft Opinion: B-. This guy will benefit from the first-ever "Everyone Gets a Trophy! Yaaaaay!!!" 3rd-place prize. And why do I say that? Because fuck you, that's why.
2. Look how cool I am! I can name lots of obscure alcoholic drinks!
Mr Irrelevant: Rashad Jennings. I thought this would be a great pick, until I saw that he plays for Oakland.
Draft Sleeper: T.Y. Hilton. I had never heard of anyone named "T.Y." until this guy came along. Torch is being passed in Indy, folks.
Draft Bust: Tavon Martin. er, I mean, Tavon Austin. Look, even though Bradford will be better, it's tough for a rookie this highly-touted to come in with Sam Bradford and make people forget about Danny Amendola. Give him a couple of years.
Mud's Draft Opinion: B+. Solid team, but he will suffer a terrible defeat at the hands of Mud's team in the finals. Sorry to say. Although it was nice to see Al Davis bring his son to the draft.
1. Your Testicles and You
Mr Irrelevant: Rob Housler (who might actually be on IR by the time this blog goes to print. Who cares about the Mr Irrelevant contest, anyway?)
Draft Sleeper: Ben Tate. Arian Foster will be hospitalized by week 4, and retired at the end of the year. Ben Tate is the wave of the future!
Draft Bust: Matt Ryan, as much as it pains me to say it, cuz I really like him. But I have feeling that the Atlanta Genital Institute (har!) will have a better offense than the Atlanta Falcons this year.
Mud's Draft Opinion: A. As long as this team stays healthy, I don't think it can be touched. Meaning, I think I have the best team on paper. But football is not played on paper. It's played on a gridiron. A gridiron in a stadium. WAR......MEMORIAL...... STADIUM (r.i.p. George Carlin).
That said, it was great draft, and this is a great league.....Now let's play ball! God, I fucking love football.
(note: I reserve the right to alter my predictions up to and including after the season ends.)
Here are the projected final standings and draft rankings for each of your sorry, bitch-ass teams. From worst to first.
12. Warriors
Mr Irrelevant: Martellus Bennett (he needed 1.21 jigawatts to go back to get him)
Draft Sleeper: Leonard Hankerson. When RGIII is crippled for life around week 4, a pocket passer will come in and fall in love with Mr Hanky.
Draft Bust: Either of the Wilson sisters, Nancy or Ann. They have sucked since "Crazy on You". Sophmore Slump coming for both of them.
Mud's Draft Opinion: D- . Nice that you have Roddy White and Calvin Johnson, but there were franchise RBs on the board, and you chose to go with.....LeGarrette Blount? Actually, I retract that...You never know what Coach Bill's gonna do. But that notwithstanding, I see a long season in store for the AD of CF. You gotta do better drafting RBs when your other RB is named "Giovani". Is he a soccer player? Forza Azzurri!
11. The Clapp
Mr Irrelevant: Fred Davis
Draft Sleeper: Kenny Britt. Can anyone else name any receiver/TE on Tennessee's roster? Britt's the only one I have heard of, so he's my sleeper. It also speaks of the complete lack of research this guy did prior to the draft.
Draft Bust: Wes Welker. Don't expect the same type of #s he had with Brady.
Mud's Draft Opinion: D. Clapp's avatar is a picture of a trophy with the word "CHAMP" on it. Talk about false advertising.
10. Del's Destroyers
Mr Irrelevant: Bilal Powell
Draft Sleeper: Larry Fitzgerald. He may not meet the criteria of a sleeper, but he actually has a QB now who can throw a little.
Draft Bust: Eric Decker. We're 2 for 2 on white wideouts from Denver. Denver will be the Demaryius Thomas show this year.
Mud's Draft Opinion: D. Every year this guy is first to the draft, but gets eliminated from the playoffs just as quickly. You should try Fantasy Bowling. Or real bowling. Perhaps lawn bowling.
9. Al's Avatars
Mr Irrelevant: Owen Daniels
Draft Sleeper: Isaac Redman. This guy is gonna make everyone who had a short-lived erection over Le'Veon Bell shrivel up like George Costanza in the pool.
Draft Bust: Greg Jennings. Somewhere around week 3, Jennings is going to wake up in a cold sweat and realize that Christian Ponder is his QB. And if it ever got to that point, the 3rd stringer there is a guy named "McLeod Bethel-Thompson". I swear I'm not kidding.
Mud's Draft Opinion: D+. Look, as a fellow sufferer of IBS, I feel a certain connection with Al. I'm quick to embrace him and say "I thought I was the only one!". But I need to be honest here. This is not a very good football team.
8. The Fighting Amish
Mr Irrelevant: James Starks
Draft Sleeper: Chris Givens. With Amendola gone and the O-Line beefed up, and Bradford getting a little more seasoned, I think this guy is gonna have a decent year. But I'll stop at decent.
Draft Bust: DeSean Jackson. I don't like this piece of shit at all. And maybe my feelings aren't objective, but so be it. I don't see any of you fuckers taking a couple hours to write a blog.
Mud's Draft Opinion: D+ You'd think that I'd rank him higher because he brought me a bottle of Scotch (much appreciated), but the reality is this guy would be 11th if Scotch weren't procured. So I DID rank him higher. So there.
7. The Schemers
Mr Irrelevant: Jared Cook
Draft Sleeper: Alshon Jeffrey. Chicago's defense isn't going to score 29 touchdowns this year, so Cutler will be throwing a lot. Marshall will pick up lots of double-teams, and.....Look, Willie Gault's not walking thru that door, folks. But Alshon Jeffrey is.
Draft Bust: Antonio Gates. We've reached the point of lunacy with falling in love with "what Antonio Gates used to be". This is the last WWI vet still alive, and he is still playing football. I see a PED suspension in his immediate future.
Mud's Draft Opinion: C-. He will finish in the dreaded "only one lottery ticket, but no playoffs" position, also known as the "Where Mud finishes every year except 2008" Memorial Trophy.
6. Club Sub Convicts
Mr Irrelevant: Brandon Myers
Draft Sleeper: Brandon Myers. All he does is catch touchdowns, with all due respect to Chris Carter.
Draft Bust: Colin Kaepernick. Just because he is a Grade-A DOUCHEBAG. I think all of those tattoos are a clear overcompensation for something. Just like my car.
Mud's Draft Opinion: C. I see them sneaking into the playoffs, which will be a new experience for this franchise. Someone remind them to set their rosters in week 15. (2010 was a fluke.)
5. DaPrez
DaMr DaIrrelevant: DaKyle DaRudolph
DaDraft DaSleeper: DaRyan Broyles. As good as Megatron is, I don't see Matt Stafford throwing into triple-teams that much, so Pettigrew, Burleson, and Broyles will benefit.
Draft DaBust: OK, I'm done with adding "Da" to everything. (it's much tougher than you think. You know you're out of shape when holding down the "shift" key is a chore). RG III. This guy may die on the field this year. OF COURSE I don't want that to happen. But don't say I didn't warn you.
Mud's Draft Opinion: C+. I can see him possibly upsetting someone in the playoffs, but the 3-time champ will remain.......the 3-time champ. Plus, he's been to a "Jack'n Jill" shower. I haven't, because I am a man.
4. W Boys
Mr Irrelevant: Hooman (did you really think I'd write his whole name?)
Draft Sleeper: Kenbrell Thompkins. Just because I'm really rooting for this guy to be at least an option for Brady.
Draft Bust: MJD. He doesn't want to be in Jax, they don't want him there, they suck, nobody likes them, all 7 of their fans are stupid, their uniforms are wimpy, and it's the most horrible place on earth.
Mud's Draft Opinion: C+. Last year I had them ranked terribly, and they proved me wrong by making the playoffs. The Civil War I had envisioned didn't happen. Although the Rat gets props for trying to derail The Schemers by informing them that the draft was cancelled. Or moved. Whatever. He picked an easy target.
3. The 2011 Donation (I'm going throwback on the name!)
Mr Irrelevant: Jordan Cameron (Is it me, or do all of the tight ends in this league sound like junior executives at some New York marketing firm? Jordan, Owen, Rob, Brandon, etc)
Draft Sleeper: DeAngelo Williams. Look for a big year out of the old-timer who was one of the first I saw to have stupid-long dreds.
Draft Bust: Chris Johnson. He was next with the dreds. He also sucks.
Mud's Draft Opinion: B-. This guy will benefit from the first-ever "Everyone Gets a Trophy! Yaaaaay!!!" 3rd-place prize. And why do I say that? Because fuck you, that's why.
2. Look how cool I am! I can name lots of obscure alcoholic drinks!
Mr Irrelevant: Rashad Jennings. I thought this would be a great pick, until I saw that he plays for Oakland.
Draft Sleeper: T.Y. Hilton. I had never heard of anyone named "T.Y." until this guy came along. Torch is being passed in Indy, folks.
Draft Bust: Tavon Martin. er, I mean, Tavon Austin. Look, even though Bradford will be better, it's tough for a rookie this highly-touted to come in with Sam Bradford and make people forget about Danny Amendola. Give him a couple of years.
Mud's Draft Opinion: B+. Solid team, but he will suffer a terrible defeat at the hands of Mud's team in the finals. Sorry to say. Although it was nice to see Al Davis bring his son to the draft.
1. Your Testicles and You
Mr Irrelevant: Rob Housler (who might actually be on IR by the time this blog goes to print. Who cares about the Mr Irrelevant contest, anyway?)
Draft Sleeper: Ben Tate. Arian Foster will be hospitalized by week 4, and retired at the end of the year. Ben Tate is the wave of the future!
Draft Bust: Matt Ryan, as much as it pains me to say it, cuz I really like him. But I have feeling that the Atlanta Genital Institute (har!) will have a better offense than the Atlanta Falcons this year.
Mud's Draft Opinion: A. As long as this team stays healthy, I don't think it can be touched. Meaning, I think I have the best team on paper. But football is not played on paper. It's played on a gridiron. A gridiron in a stadium. WAR......MEMORIAL...... STADIUM (r.i.p. George Carlin).
That said, it was great draft, and this is a great league.....Now let's play ball! God, I fucking love football.
(note: I reserve the right to alter my predictions up to and including after the season ends.)
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Sunday, April 07, 2013
Monday, January 28, 2013
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Club Sub Grievance Process
Club Sub introduced a new order into the books last night over a deductible business dinner. (What we are deducting from we have no idea. Though we would point out that Club Sub’s economic picture, unlike the country’s, hasn’t gotten worse. Consider that while we have no revenue, assets or cash flow, and therefore we basically have zeroes across the board, that is actually not that bad because at least it’s not negative. Our Club Sub president, while failing at fund raising and dues collecting, has succeeded at not putting us into debt. Another words, by doing nothing, we are actually in better shape than most federal, state and local entities. But I digress.) Anyway given that 99% of Club sub is populated by school teachers or other union hacks (postal officer HRD) ( thus making Mud, Big Daddy and VP the “one percenter‘s“) its surprising it took this long for our new resolution to be introduced. By unanimous consent last night, bill 001 “The Grievance Process” has been passed. The bill is informally known as the “Gnocchi Act”. The law entitles each Sub Member to one, and only one, grievance per year*. This grievance is to be used vs. another member, and must be filed within 72 hours of the act (CS has a very short statute of limitations, due to its short memory, due to its large drinking habit). The filing is to be made with DaPrez. DaPrez may then call a hearing of potential witnesses before rendering his impartially foolish judgement. Now there are a number of important items related to this process:
1. The penalty, if a grievance is found to be valid, is solely determined by DaPrez. Remember this is not a democracy. Penalties can range from light penalties like “bring a case of yuengling to the next game”, to harsher rulings like “you will be last in line for food at the next event”, to: “you must sit with the girls during the superbowl party (note not a penalty for John).”
2. If a grievance is filed against DaPrez, the VP will hear the grievance. The VP is looking forward to such circumstances.
3. * Much like the NFL replay rules, but improved upon-if you file a grievance and win, you get another grievance. Another words you are not penalized for successfully “grieving” someone. Our improvement on the NFL is you are not capped at 3 challenges. Theoretically there is no end to how many grievances you could file if you keep winning them.
4. With the passage of the act last night, only grievable offenses from yesterday and forward can be raised. You cannot file a grievance because Mud stunk out your kitchen 2 years ago at a dinner party. But that being said, we took a look back at some of the more grievable offenses in Club Sub history.
1. “The people vs. the Flyin Hawaiian” 2005: Flyin Hawaiian introduces: Asians of mixed race.com. No end to how many of us would have filed grievances on this.
2. “The people vs. Teepee” 2008: Sloppy’s entrance exam to Club sub-taking a roll of teepee off a tailgating bus. Apparently a # of people thought this a very light task and its possible both the pres and vp could have been grieved against at the same time.
3. “The people vs. the Gnocchi” July -2011-The Gnocchi incident: we all know the story, so many grievances would have been filed that DaPrez is likely to have rendered judgement right during the dinner. Interesting what the punishment would have been.
4. “The people vs. the stories” 2005-present:Various examples of The Rat praising his kids at inopportune times, like when you are trying to memorialize some talent at the orange, or in a hand that could win a poker tournament.
5. “The people vs. Glade” 1997, four men, a van, and a lot of beer, depart for Cooperstown NY. Unkown to three of the men, the fourth possesses an ass invaded by the devil himself. As such he proceeds to stink out the car causing the other three to steal a can of glade from a gas station bathroom and spray his “fart box” repeatedly on the drive up. In retrospect this would have been the first of many grievable offenses by your President.
6. “The people vs. 9/11 and Milk” 2011: a deranged Sean Penn look alike and yet actual club sub member, takes over the microphone at the Club Sub party and proceeds to demoralize the crowd. Grievance filed by Cloot, whose “girlfriend” lost someone in the towers and never saw Cloot again after this(though some believe that was likely in the works already).
7. “The people vs. HRD” whether its passing out at strip clubs during bachelor parties, swearing at grandparents and puppies, or just being generally repugnant, there are no shortages of grievable offenses in the mailman’s past.
8. “The people vs. the Cold” 2006-2011: the Terminator’s host the best xmas party but each year forget to turn the heat on. This leads each member to hear complaints from their freezing wives. Yet no one wants to file a grievance for fear of being grieved out of an invite the following year, because its such a good party.
9. “The people vs. Utz Chips” 1990-20012: numerous grievances could have been filed vs. John Ward for showing up at parties with Utz chips (who even makes these) and then leaving the party with the same bag of chips. In fact it may be exactly the same bag every time.
10. “The people vs. the ungrievable” 2012: to The Hitman, who pronounced after a few pitchers of beer last night that he is “the least grievable member of Club Sub”, thus almost ensuring a microscopic lens on his actions as members look for any and all opportunities to grieve him.
So with that, all members have been informed to be on their best behavior, because we have now entered a union like environment in which grievances can be filed anywhere anytime. Fortunately, much like a union, none of this will have any impact.
1. The penalty, if a grievance is found to be valid, is solely determined by DaPrez. Remember this is not a democracy. Penalties can range from light penalties like “bring a case of yuengling to the next game”, to harsher rulings like “you will be last in line for food at the next event”, to: “you must sit with the girls during the superbowl party (note not a penalty for John).”
2. If a grievance is filed against DaPrez, the VP will hear the grievance. The VP is looking forward to such circumstances.
3. * Much like the NFL replay rules, but improved upon-if you file a grievance and win, you get another grievance. Another words you are not penalized for successfully “grieving” someone. Our improvement on the NFL is you are not capped at 3 challenges. Theoretically there is no end to how many grievances you could file if you keep winning them.
4. With the passage of the act last night, only grievable offenses from yesterday and forward can be raised. You cannot file a grievance because Mud stunk out your kitchen 2 years ago at a dinner party. But that being said, we took a look back at some of the more grievable offenses in Club Sub history.
1. “The people vs. the Flyin Hawaiian” 2005: Flyin Hawaiian introduces: Asians of mixed race.com. No end to how many of us would have filed grievances on this.
2. “The people vs. Teepee” 2008: Sloppy’s entrance exam to Club sub-taking a roll of teepee off a tailgating bus. Apparently a # of people thought this a very light task and its possible both the pres and vp could have been grieved against at the same time.
3. “The people vs. the Gnocchi” July -2011-The Gnocchi incident: we all know the story, so many grievances would have been filed that DaPrez is likely to have rendered judgement right during the dinner. Interesting what the punishment would have been.
4. “The people vs. the stories” 2005-present:Various examples of The Rat praising his kids at inopportune times, like when you are trying to memorialize some talent at the orange, or in a hand that could win a poker tournament.
5. “The people vs. Glade” 1997, four men, a van, and a lot of beer, depart for Cooperstown NY. Unkown to three of the men, the fourth possesses an ass invaded by the devil himself. As such he proceeds to stink out the car causing the other three to steal a can of glade from a gas station bathroom and spray his “fart box” repeatedly on the drive up. In retrospect this would have been the first of many grievable offenses by your President.
6. “The people vs. 9/11 and Milk” 2011: a deranged Sean Penn look alike and yet actual club sub member, takes over the microphone at the Club Sub party and proceeds to demoralize the crowd. Grievance filed by Cloot, whose “girlfriend” lost someone in the towers and never saw Cloot again after this(though some believe that was likely in the works already).
7. “The people vs. HRD” whether its passing out at strip clubs during bachelor parties, swearing at grandparents and puppies, or just being generally repugnant, there are no shortages of grievable offenses in the mailman’s past.
8. “The people vs. the Cold” 2006-2011: the Terminator’s host the best xmas party but each year forget to turn the heat on. This leads each member to hear complaints from their freezing wives. Yet no one wants to file a grievance for fear of being grieved out of an invite the following year, because its such a good party.
9. “The people vs. Utz Chips” 1990-20012: numerous grievances could have been filed vs. John Ward for showing up at parties with Utz chips (who even makes these) and then leaving the party with the same bag of chips. In fact it may be exactly the same bag every time.
10. “The people vs. the ungrievable” 2012: to The Hitman, who pronounced after a few pitchers of beer last night that he is “the least grievable member of Club Sub”, thus almost ensuring a microscopic lens on his actions as members look for any and all opportunities to grieve him.
So with that, all members have been informed to be on their best behavior, because we have now entered a union like environment in which grievances can be filed anywhere anytime. Fortunately, much like a union, none of this will have any impact.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Mud's Mid-Year FF Report
Can you believe that we are halfway thru another Fantasy Football season? Seems like only yesterday we were dodging falling branches, downed power lines, bodies, and all sorts of other flotsam and jetsam on the way to DaPrez's house for the draft...What a bad idea that was...
At any rate, it's time for me to criticize your teams without any fear of reprisals, as most of you are ill-equipped to retort (be it technical or intellectual). Let's take a look at the teams based on the standings thru 7 weeks and apply a song lyric that fits (a la John Buccigross).
1. finebeverages
Total Points: 958.5 (1)
Coach rating: 6th
Schedule Difficulty: 10th
Passing rank: 4th
Rushing rank: 2nd
Receiving rank: 3rd
DST rank: T11th
Power ranking: 2
"Feelin' alright. Uh huh. I'm not feelin' too good myself." Joe Cocker, Feelin' Alright
A lot of people don't succumb to the allure of Fantasy Football for many reasons. Many want to watch football games objectively. Many think that with outside influence (rooting for players playing against your favorite team) it clouds their support and can have an adverse affect on the outcome of said favorite team's performance. Whatever the reason, they don't get invloved. Fine, to each his own. Personally, I really enjoy it- I enjoy the camaraderie, the trash-talking, the ability to interact with my buddies on a near weekly basis, and the certain things that go on each season like clockwork.
Which brings us to this guy and his annual insulting trade offers. This year, he offered Jahvid Best (and a throwaway wideout) to me for Fred Jackson (and a throwaway wideout). At the time (and even now) Fred was one of the top 2 RBs in the league, so I asked him why I would make such a trade. He responded after Best broke off an 88-yard TD run during a Monday Night game, and he said "THAT'S why you should trade for him!". Apparently, he didn't pay attention to the fact that even with that 88-yard run, Fred Jackson STILL outscored Best that week. Granted, I suck as a GM when it comes to trades, so I admire the effort. But give me a bit more credit.
Mid-year grade: A. Did anyone notice how he brought a "specialist" to the draft with him, and suddenly his team is awesome? Hmm....Better pay the kid, or he'll be pulling a Jed Hoyer and leaving your ass for a better offer to run his own team.
2. Doormats
Total points: 950.5 (2nd)
Coach rating: 1st
Schedule difficulty: 6
Passing rank: 1st (thank you Aaron Rodgers!)
Rushing rank: 4th
Receiving rank: 11th
DST rank: 1st
Power ranking: 1st
"me and Cinderella...put it on together...we can drive it home...with one headlight." Wallflowers, One Headlight
It's really hard to say nasty things about this guy. He is generally well-liked, he's complimentary, and he's had horrible teams up until this season. Well, I say fuck that. Let's tear him a new one.
This guy.....ummm....well...ummm...he's not very tall! Take that for riding the coattails of Rodgers and McFadden! Doesn't matter- he should be able to coast into the playoffs at this point. Just like the 2011 Sox.
Mid-year grade: A. But now Hillis is hurt and the bye weeks are catching up to him.....And Victor Cruz is showing how lousy he really is...
3. Mikey's the big winner
Total points: 919 (4th)
Coach rating: 5th
Schedule difficulty: 5th
Passing rank: 7th
Rushing rank: 3rd
Receiving rank: 1 (can you say "Wes Welker"?)
DST rank: T11th
Power ranking: 3rd
"I'm nerdy to the extreme, whiter than sour cream- I was in A/V club and glee club and even the chess team." Weird Al Yankovic, White 'n Nerdy
Ranking 1st in receiving and 3rd in rushing is a recipe for success! And can you imagine how effective this guy would be at FF if he didn't spend so much time working? Apparently, he is too bsuy coming up with a new Sabre-metric type of softball stat that ties alcohol consumption (and ejaculation frequency) to OPS to go out and get a better DST/Kicker. I'm surprised you haven't found the "Stats" link in the FF website yet, bud. Seems like it would be right up your alley. Unless of course you have invented your own stats, which I'm sure you have. And I'm sure you named the corresponding computer program "Carmine II". And I'm sure it runs on punch cards.
Mid-year grade: B+.
4. The W boys
Total points: 804 (7th)
Coach rating: 11th (this is what happens when you have 2 GMs!!)
Schedule difficulty: 12 (and 4th is the best you can do?)
Passing rank: 5th
Rushing rank: 11th
Receiving rank: 5th
DST rank: 2nd
Power rank: 6th
"Pull the blindfold down, so your eyes can't see. Now run as fast as you can- thru this field of trees." Editors, Smokers Outside the Hospital Doors
It cracks me up that these guys are in 4th place and the only stat in which they rank in the top 33% is DST (which in this metric includes kickers). I guess that early selection of Seabass is paying off for you, huh? News Flash, assholes! RUSHING WINS CHAMPIONSHIPS. Look at all of the previous winners of this league, and tell me what they have in common. And another thing- change your team name so I can list it here in full and don't have to edit it. Damnit! And thank for putting "Tim Tebow" on your "On The Block" page- I'm sure we're all lining up for a guy that went 13 of 27 against Miami (with 2 fumbles). Are you seriously looking to trade him? Seems like a franchise guy! If you said to me, "You can have Tim Tebow or genital warts" I'd take Tebow, but I'd have to think about it. Also, one final note. On the CBS Fantasy page, there was a recently a trade in one of the other leagues on the site that went like this: Tim Tebow, QB, for Chad Henne, QB.
Mid-year grade: B+. Call it what you want, but they are in 4th, and even though they haven't played anyone good yet, they are in fourth. So they get a B+. Yes, i grade on a curve.
5. The Schemers
Total points: 771.5 (10th)
Coach rating: 8th
Schedule difficulty: 11th
Passing rank: 10th
Rushing rank: 9th
Receiving rank: 6th
DST rank: T8th
Power rank: 8th
"I wish i was in the land of cotton..." (traditional) Dixieland
Look at the above numbers again. I'll wait.
Pay particular attention to the "Schedule difficulty" metric. This guy, while currently in 5th, will be pulling a small piece of paper out of a hat in August. No question about it. Bye weeks hurt, but do they hurt enough to start Tashard Choice and his -2? Did "Tashard Choice" even appear on your many pieces of graph paper before the draft? This team is not unlike the Confederate army in the Civil War. Outstanding strategic and tactical leadership, great morale, ran out to a bunch of early victories before their logistical support and supplies ran out, and then- well, we all know what happened. Google "Lost Cause".
Grade: C. Once again, another overacheiver helped by an easy schedule. Sickening.
6. Hey, Hanrahan!
Total points: 920 (3rd)
Coach rating: 7th
Schedule difficulty: 1st (Damn right. Look out for Mud in the 2nd half!)
Passing rank: 6th
Rushing rank: 1st (remind to get Forte and Jackson some Isotoner gloves this Christmas)
Receiving rank: 4th
DST rank: 7th
Power rank: 4th
"Snap my fingers, make you mine- if not, I'll snap a second time. After that I guarantee you will be standing next to me." Jungle Brothers, Because I Got it Like That
Get on the Mud bandwagon! Here is where I make some sort of argument about why I'm better (as usual). But the reality is- I don't have to (and yet I will). Toughest schedule. In a playoff position. Best run game. On 2 seperate occasions I scored the 2nd highest point total of the week and lost. That's how fucking good my team is. Unless you play me on week 8 or week 11, which- well, I'm in trouble this week. Fortunately, A Rodgers is on that Bye week too.We'll see.
Grade: B+. I have 2 of the top 10 TEs in the league, and can only start 1. This is causing me to do a lot of research prior to each week, and I shun hard work, so please make me an offer for Daniels (or "Daniel" if you are the W Boys) or Pettigrew.
7. The Fighting Amish
Total points: 859.5 (5th)
Coach rating: 10th
Schedule difficulty: 2nd
Passing rank: 2nd
Rushing rank: 12th
Receiving rank: 2nd
DST rank: 5th
Power rank: 5th
"You came on your own- that's how you'll leave." Editors, An End has a Start
All of the other owners should be embarassed. This guy phoned in the draft (literally) and only picked like 2 guys on his own, started guys on bye weeks, started guys who were on the Injury report with statuses like "Dead- Out for week 4" and is fighting for a playoff spot? That said, if we were to have an "ownership change", this team would be most likely to move in the middle of the night to the Commish's brother, who is conveniently "learning Fantasy Football in the hopes of getting his own team"....HMMMMMMMMMMMM. I'm not trying to start trouble- just reporting on what it looks like from here.
Grade: A-. I have to say- I don't know how the fuck this guy is doing it. I really don't....Good luck, Mr. Polian. Or Bud Adams. Whichever shoe fits today.
8. A's Avatars
Total points: 777 (9th) (I'd like to see "777" on a slot machine. Who wouldn't?)
Coach rating: 3rd (I'm sorry, I just can't believe that)
Schedule difficulty: 9th
Passing rank: 3rd
Rushing rank: 10th
Receiving rank: 10th
DST rank: T8th
Power rank: T10
"Today, my heart swings." Interpol, The Heinrich Maneuver
Today, my heart does swing. Recently, in week 6, Avatars re-used one of the Avatars from last season. The effect on me was not unlike dropping a cue ball on my nuts from 15 feet. I was crushed. Deep in despair. It made me question everything I know about this man. Is it possible that he has used up all of his soft-core porn Avatars? I'd be lost- a man without a religion, a purpose, a goal, a cause' d'existance. Fortunately, he rebounded in Week 7 with a strong Avatar- an ass-slapping whore who wants it! She CLEARLY wants it.
So, while still somewhat disappointed, I am hopeful that the mine has more gold in it, that the well has not yet run dry. I hope to see my friend and shake his hand (euphemsim). I hope the Pacific is as blue as in my dreams...I hope....
Grade: B+. Great Avatars earn a high grade. His team is horrendous, though.
9. Club Sub Convicts
Total points: 762.5 (11th)
Coach rating: 9th (another 2-headed monster!)
Schedule difficulty: 4th
Passing rank: 8th
Rushing rank: 7th
Receiving rank: 9th
DST rank: 10th
Power rank: T10
"Me and my shadow...Strollin' down the avenue." Sinatra/Davis, Me and My Shadow
So O.V. is learning all about Fantasy Football from the Hit Man/Commish. Think he'll learn things like, "here's how to manipulate the website to move us to 3rd place instead of 10th" and "here's how to change the rules mid-season and hide it from everyone"? Learning from Hit Man? That's like learning how to sign free agents from Theo Epstein (too soon?). I think O.V.'s primary role this season is to get coffee for Hit Man and replace the toilet paper in the V household (a full-time gig, btw). In another note, strollin' down the avenue is underrated.
Grade: D+. You'd think 2 Vs are better than one. Alas, this experiment just ain't workin'.
10. Warriors
Total points: 806.5 (6th)
Coach rating: 5th
Schedule difficulty: 7th
Passing rank: 8th
Rushing rank: 8th
Receiving rank: 7th
DST rank: 6th
Power rank: 7th
"We're fated to pretend...To pretend." MGMT, Time to Pretend
Really, why wouldn't your heart go out to this guy? He's a perpetual also-ran in this league...And I'm sure that deep down this bugs the shit out of him. And this year, he's putting up a good amount of points, enough to perhaps get him close enough to a playoff berth that he can taste it...and yet it remains far away. He says things like "wow, my team sucks ha ha ha", but I think it bothers him more than he lets on...Terminator- It's not your fault. Your team isn't really that bad. And now that the vacation that half of your team was on is over, you should be right back in the thick of it. Oh, wait- 6 guys on bye week 7.....5 guys on bye week 8 and not enough wideouts to make a roster....Eesh...Oh, well...
Grade: C-.
11. DaPrez
Total points: 784.5 (8th)
Coach rating: 12th (Isn't this guy a coach in real life?)
Schedule difficulty: 8th
Passing rank: 12th
Rushing rank: 6th
Receiving rank: 8th
DST rank: 3
Power rank: 9th
"Does anyone know where the faith of God goes when the waves turn the minutes to hours?" Gordon Lightfoot, Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald
You're motherfucking right I quoted a Gordon Lightfoot song. And you're also motherfucking right I quoted a song about a tragic shipwreck. Cuz that's what this team is. And you know something else? They are WHAT WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!!!! And we let 'em off the hook! "Mud, you just quoted Gordon Lightfoot and Dennis Green in the same paragraph!" You can Google it all you want. Mud just made history.
Anyway, I chose that song, and specifically that line (which is one of the most powerful lines in the song) because while you can't compare dying in a shipwreck to a miserable Fantasy Football season, there are some distinct paralells- namely, that you just want it to end. Some question their faith in times like that- others rely on it, and yet others join a flag football league that plays on Sunday mornings because he just isn't out of the house enough.
Grade: F+. One thing we won't be calling this guy at the end of the 2011 Fantasy Football season? "Three-time Club Sub Fantasy Football Champion".
12. The Clapp
Total points: 733 (12th)
Coach rating: 2nd (which means that this team could actually be worse!)
Schedule difficulty: 3rd
Passing rank: 11th (Manning would have helped, huh?)
Rushing rank: 5th
Receiving rank: 12th
DST rank: 4th
Power rank: 12th
"Someone left the cake out in the rain...And I don't think I can take it, cuz it took so long to bake it, and I'll never have that recipe again...." Richard Harris, Macarthur Park
The Clapp is last. And it's fitting, because that's where the clap ranks. Last. Well, except for maybe the Hiv, but there's no one in this league called "The Hiv", so "The Clapp" will have to be last. And God, what a rotten team. This team is so bad that they have a player named "Colt McCoy" in the starting lineup. This team is so bad that it is what DaPrez's team pukes up. This team is so bad.....THEY DO NOT EVEN HAVE AN AVATAR. "No Avatar, no identity" is what i always say.
Grade: I. That's right- "Incomplete". Cuz that's what this team is.
All right lads, there you have it. Good luck the rest of the way, and if you don't like what i have to say, please blow it out your ass.
Peace! Deuces!
At any rate, it's time for me to criticize your teams without any fear of reprisals, as most of you are ill-equipped to retort (be it technical or intellectual). Let's take a look at the teams based on the standings thru 7 weeks and apply a song lyric that fits (a la John Buccigross).
1. finebeverages
Total Points: 958.5 (1)
Coach rating: 6th
Schedule Difficulty: 10th
Passing rank: 4th
Rushing rank: 2nd
Receiving rank: 3rd
DST rank: T11th
Power ranking: 2
"Feelin' alright. Uh huh. I'm not feelin' too good myself." Joe Cocker, Feelin' Alright
A lot of people don't succumb to the allure of Fantasy Football for many reasons. Many want to watch football games objectively. Many think that with outside influence (rooting for players playing against your favorite team) it clouds their support and can have an adverse affect on the outcome of said favorite team's performance. Whatever the reason, they don't get invloved. Fine, to each his own. Personally, I really enjoy it- I enjoy the camaraderie, the trash-talking, the ability to interact with my buddies on a near weekly basis, and the certain things that go on each season like clockwork.
Which brings us to this guy and his annual insulting trade offers. This year, he offered Jahvid Best (and a throwaway wideout) to me for Fred Jackson (and a throwaway wideout). At the time (and even now) Fred was one of the top 2 RBs in the league, so I asked him why I would make such a trade. He responded after Best broke off an 88-yard TD run during a Monday Night game, and he said "THAT'S why you should trade for him!". Apparently, he didn't pay attention to the fact that even with that 88-yard run, Fred Jackson STILL outscored Best that week. Granted, I suck as a GM when it comes to trades, so I admire the effort. But give me a bit more credit.
Mid-year grade: A. Did anyone notice how he brought a "specialist" to the draft with him, and suddenly his team is awesome? Hmm....Better pay the kid, or he'll be pulling a Jed Hoyer and leaving your ass for a better offer to run his own team.
2. Doormats
Total points: 950.5 (2nd)
Coach rating: 1st
Schedule difficulty: 6
Passing rank: 1st (thank you Aaron Rodgers!)
Rushing rank: 4th
Receiving rank: 11th
DST rank: 1st
Power ranking: 1st
"me and Cinderella...put it on together...we can drive it home...with one headlight." Wallflowers, One Headlight
It's really hard to say nasty things about this guy. He is generally well-liked, he's complimentary, and he's had horrible teams up until this season. Well, I say fuck that. Let's tear him a new one.
This guy.....ummm....well...ummm...he's not very tall! Take that for riding the coattails of Rodgers and McFadden! Doesn't matter- he should be able to coast into the playoffs at this point. Just like the 2011 Sox.
Mid-year grade: A. But now Hillis is hurt and the bye weeks are catching up to him.....And Victor Cruz is showing how lousy he really is...
3. Mikey's the big winner
Total points: 919 (4th)
Coach rating: 5th
Schedule difficulty: 5th
Passing rank: 7th
Rushing rank: 3rd
Receiving rank: 1 (can you say "Wes Welker"?)
DST rank: T11th
Power ranking: 3rd
"I'm nerdy to the extreme, whiter than sour cream- I was in A/V club and glee club and even the chess team." Weird Al Yankovic, White 'n Nerdy
Ranking 1st in receiving and 3rd in rushing is a recipe for success! And can you imagine how effective this guy would be at FF if he didn't spend so much time working? Apparently, he is too bsuy coming up with a new Sabre-metric type of softball stat that ties alcohol consumption (and ejaculation frequency) to OPS to go out and get a better DST/Kicker. I'm surprised you haven't found the "Stats" link in the FF website yet, bud. Seems like it would be right up your alley. Unless of course you have invented your own stats, which I'm sure you have. And I'm sure you named the corresponding computer program "Carmine II". And I'm sure it runs on punch cards.
Mid-year grade: B+.
4. The W boys
Total points: 804 (7th)
Coach rating: 11th (this is what happens when you have 2 GMs!!)
Schedule difficulty: 12 (and 4th is the best you can do?)
Passing rank: 5th
Rushing rank: 11th
Receiving rank: 5th
DST rank: 2nd
Power rank: 6th
"Pull the blindfold down, so your eyes can't see. Now run as fast as you can- thru this field of trees." Editors, Smokers Outside the Hospital Doors
It cracks me up that these guys are in 4th place and the only stat in which they rank in the top 33% is DST (which in this metric includes kickers). I guess that early selection of Seabass is paying off for you, huh? News Flash, assholes! RUSHING WINS CHAMPIONSHIPS. Look at all of the previous winners of this league, and tell me what they have in common. And another thing- change your team name so I can list it here in full and don't have to edit it. Damnit! And thank for putting "Tim Tebow" on your "On The Block" page- I'm sure we're all lining up for a guy that went 13 of 27 against Miami (with 2 fumbles). Are you seriously looking to trade him? Seems like a franchise guy! If you said to me, "You can have Tim Tebow or genital warts" I'd take Tebow, but I'd have to think about it. Also, one final note. On the CBS Fantasy page, there was a recently a trade in one of the other leagues on the site that went like this: Tim Tebow, QB, for Chad Henne, QB.
Mid-year grade: B+. Call it what you want, but they are in 4th, and even though they haven't played anyone good yet, they are in fourth. So they get a B+. Yes, i grade on a curve.
5. The Schemers
Total points: 771.5 (10th)
Coach rating: 8th
Schedule difficulty: 11th
Passing rank: 10th
Rushing rank: 9th
Receiving rank: 6th
DST rank: T8th
Power rank: 8th
"I wish i was in the land of cotton..." (traditional) Dixieland
Look at the above numbers again. I'll wait.
Pay particular attention to the "Schedule difficulty" metric. This guy, while currently in 5th, will be pulling a small piece of paper out of a hat in August. No question about it. Bye weeks hurt, but do they hurt enough to start Tashard Choice and his -2? Did "Tashard Choice" even appear on your many pieces of graph paper before the draft? This team is not unlike the Confederate army in the Civil War. Outstanding strategic and tactical leadership, great morale, ran out to a bunch of early victories before their logistical support and supplies ran out, and then- well, we all know what happened. Google "Lost Cause".
Grade: C. Once again, another overacheiver helped by an easy schedule. Sickening.
6. Hey, Hanrahan!
Total points: 920 (3rd)
Coach rating: 7th
Schedule difficulty: 1st (Damn right. Look out for Mud in the 2nd half!)
Passing rank: 6th
Rushing rank: 1st (remind to get Forte and Jackson some Isotoner gloves this Christmas)
Receiving rank: 4th
DST rank: 7th
Power rank: 4th
"Snap my fingers, make you mine- if not, I'll snap a second time. After that I guarantee you will be standing next to me." Jungle Brothers, Because I Got it Like That
Get on the Mud bandwagon! Here is where I make some sort of argument about why I'm better (as usual). But the reality is- I don't have to (and yet I will). Toughest schedule. In a playoff position. Best run game. On 2 seperate occasions I scored the 2nd highest point total of the week and lost. That's how fucking good my team is. Unless you play me on week 8 or week 11, which- well, I'm in trouble this week. Fortunately, A Rodgers is on that Bye week too.We'll see.
Grade: B+. I have 2 of the top 10 TEs in the league, and can only start 1. This is causing me to do a lot of research prior to each week, and I shun hard work, so please make me an offer for Daniels (or "Daniel" if you are the W Boys) or Pettigrew.
7. The Fighting Amish
Total points: 859.5 (5th)
Coach rating: 10th
Schedule difficulty: 2nd
Passing rank: 2nd
Rushing rank: 12th
Receiving rank: 2nd
DST rank: 5th
Power rank: 5th
"You came on your own- that's how you'll leave." Editors, An End has a Start
All of the other owners should be embarassed. This guy phoned in the draft (literally) and only picked like 2 guys on his own, started guys on bye weeks, started guys who were on the Injury report with statuses like "Dead- Out for week 4" and is fighting for a playoff spot? That said, if we were to have an "ownership change", this team would be most likely to move in the middle of the night to the Commish's brother, who is conveniently "learning Fantasy Football in the hopes of getting his own team"....HMMMMMMMMMMMM. I'm not trying to start trouble- just reporting on what it looks like from here.
Grade: A-. I have to say- I don't know how the fuck this guy is doing it. I really don't....Good luck, Mr. Polian. Or Bud Adams. Whichever shoe fits today.
8. A's Avatars
Total points: 777 (9th) (I'd like to see "777" on a slot machine. Who wouldn't?)
Coach rating: 3rd (I'm sorry, I just can't believe that)
Schedule difficulty: 9th
Passing rank: 3rd
Rushing rank: 10th
Receiving rank: 10th
DST rank: T8th
Power rank: T10
"Today, my heart swings." Interpol, The Heinrich Maneuver
Today, my heart does swing. Recently, in week 6, Avatars re-used one of the Avatars from last season. The effect on me was not unlike dropping a cue ball on my nuts from 15 feet. I was crushed. Deep in despair. It made me question everything I know about this man. Is it possible that he has used up all of his soft-core porn Avatars? I'd be lost- a man without a religion, a purpose, a goal, a cause' d'existance. Fortunately, he rebounded in Week 7 with a strong Avatar- an ass-slapping whore who wants it! She CLEARLY wants it.
So, while still somewhat disappointed, I am hopeful that the mine has more gold in it, that the well has not yet run dry. I hope to see my friend and shake his hand (euphemsim). I hope the Pacific is as blue as in my dreams...I hope....
Grade: B+. Great Avatars earn a high grade. His team is horrendous, though.
9. Club Sub Convicts
Total points: 762.5 (11th)
Coach rating: 9th (another 2-headed monster!)
Schedule difficulty: 4th
Passing rank: 8th
Rushing rank: 7th
Receiving rank: 9th
DST rank: 10th
Power rank: T10
"Me and my shadow...Strollin' down the avenue." Sinatra/Davis, Me and My Shadow
So O.V. is learning all about Fantasy Football from the Hit Man/Commish. Think he'll learn things like, "here's how to manipulate the website to move us to 3rd place instead of 10th" and "here's how to change the rules mid-season and hide it from everyone"? Learning from Hit Man? That's like learning how to sign free agents from Theo Epstein (too soon?). I think O.V.'s primary role this season is to get coffee for Hit Man and replace the toilet paper in the V household (a full-time gig, btw). In another note, strollin' down the avenue is underrated.
Grade: D+. You'd think 2 Vs are better than one. Alas, this experiment just ain't workin'.
10. Warriors
Total points: 806.5 (6th)
Coach rating: 5th
Schedule difficulty: 7th
Passing rank: 8th
Rushing rank: 8th
Receiving rank: 7th
DST rank: 6th
Power rank: 7th
"We're fated to pretend...To pretend." MGMT, Time to Pretend
Really, why wouldn't your heart go out to this guy? He's a perpetual also-ran in this league...And I'm sure that deep down this bugs the shit out of him. And this year, he's putting up a good amount of points, enough to perhaps get him close enough to a playoff berth that he can taste it...and yet it remains far away. He says things like "wow, my team sucks ha ha ha", but I think it bothers him more than he lets on...Terminator- It's not your fault. Your team isn't really that bad. And now that the vacation that half of your team was on is over, you should be right back in the thick of it. Oh, wait- 6 guys on bye week 7.....5 guys on bye week 8 and not enough wideouts to make a roster....Eesh...Oh, well...
Grade: C-.
11. DaPrez
Total points: 784.5 (8th)
Coach rating: 12th (Isn't this guy a coach in real life?)
Schedule difficulty: 8th
Passing rank: 12th
Rushing rank: 6th
Receiving rank: 8th
DST rank: 3
Power rank: 9th
"Does anyone know where the faith of God goes when the waves turn the minutes to hours?" Gordon Lightfoot, Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald
You're motherfucking right I quoted a Gordon Lightfoot song. And you're also motherfucking right I quoted a song about a tragic shipwreck. Cuz that's what this team is. And you know something else? They are WHAT WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!!!! And we let 'em off the hook! "Mud, you just quoted Gordon Lightfoot and Dennis Green in the same paragraph!" You can Google it all you want. Mud just made history.
Anyway, I chose that song, and specifically that line (which is one of the most powerful lines in the song) because while you can't compare dying in a shipwreck to a miserable Fantasy Football season, there are some distinct paralells- namely, that you just want it to end. Some question their faith in times like that- others rely on it, and yet others join a flag football league that plays on Sunday mornings because he just isn't out of the house enough.
Grade: F+. One thing we won't be calling this guy at the end of the 2011 Fantasy Football season? "Three-time Club Sub Fantasy Football Champion".
12. The Clapp
Total points: 733 (12th)
Coach rating: 2nd (which means that this team could actually be worse!)
Schedule difficulty: 3rd
Passing rank: 11th (Manning would have helped, huh?)
Rushing rank: 5th
Receiving rank: 12th
DST rank: 4th
Power rank: 12th
"Someone left the cake out in the rain...And I don't think I can take it, cuz it took so long to bake it, and I'll never have that recipe again...." Richard Harris, Macarthur Park
The Clapp is last. And it's fitting, because that's where the clap ranks. Last. Well, except for maybe the Hiv, but there's no one in this league called "The Hiv", so "The Clapp" will have to be last. And God, what a rotten team. This team is so bad that they have a player named "Colt McCoy" in the starting lineup. This team is so bad that it is what DaPrez's team pukes up. This team is so bad.....THEY DO NOT EVEN HAVE AN AVATAR. "No Avatar, no identity" is what i always say.
Grade: I. That's right- "Incomplete". Cuz that's what this team is.
All right lads, there you have it. Good luck the rest of the way, and if you don't like what i have to say, please blow it out your ass.
Peace! Deuces!
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
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