Ho-hum. Just another day for the Terminator. Wife has a kid, he wins a poker tourney. This getting pretty damn boring.
"I never had any doubt about it," he says. "It was the best day of my week, that's for sure."
Hmm...How about the day when your daughter was born? It occurred in the past week.
"Well that was great obviously. But I mean in the Gregorian calendar week, which begins each week on Sundays. If we were going by fiscal week, then I would have to say it was the second best day of the week. But I don't think ClubSub goes by fiscal week. [ to Frank White] Do we go by fiscal week?"
"Do you even know what 'fiscal' means?" asks Frank.
Wordsmith or not, once again, the Terminator had to fend off a strong field, and for the second straight tourney, he was forced to face off with Mud heads-up for the cash and the bragging rights. However, a deal was brokered whereby Mud got his entry fee back. This type of deal is unusual for the champion, but since the format (winner take all) screws those who come in second, the recent winner of the V Classic was feeling charitable.
"I figured it was easier. I wouldn't have to hear him bitch and moan."
But the Terminator didn't realize what he was getting as part of the deal- he must now chase down Florida Boy for the $14 that he was unable to contribute due to Florida Boy's being located in Florida, and due to Florida Boy's legal troubles (he was named in the Mitchell report), so it's unlikely that the champ will ever see that $$.
The field fought hard- an aggressive blind structure (it appears that we finally have it figured out) was key in making this tournament flow quickly. First out was The Rat, who scared the bejesus out of all of us by going out in the yard to play catch (Rat has a fake leg, and he is not too stable on it).
Who did Rat play catch with? Read my newest feature:
"Mud's Bad Beat of the Day!"
This award goes to Da Prez. DaPrez pushed all in against The Schemer, and at the time, both players had pretty large stacks. Schemer did have him covered though, and called Da Prez's all-in. Da Prez had Rockets, Schemer had the fish hooks.
Flop was useless- no help to either. But Da Turn killed Da Prez. JACK. Schemer wins with trips, and we all won, 'cuz Da Prez went on tilt like you read about. The kids were sent outside, and Da Prez went on an obscenity tear that was quite impressive.
"&%$@@$%^*(^#@#@#^&$^#%#," said Da Prez. " sonuva$%^#$%^ slutbag."
After that, players began to fall more rapidly. Next to go was the host, Tilt, who put out an impressive spread with excellent sliders, fantastic meatballs & sauce, and enough Chex Mix to feed Europe for a couple of days. However, his cards weren't nearly as good, and out he went. Special thanks to Tilt for hosting and putting out the spread- excellent as usual.
Next out was That Guy, and it was unremarkable, as indicated by the fact that I can't remember who knocked him out. Just like That Guy...
Newest probationary member AC (he is so new that he does not have a title yet) went out next. He had a great hand, but was drawing dead and didn't know it...Poor bastard.
Hit Man was clipped next. Fortunately for him, a side game developed which allowed him to play cards and eat meatballs and gravy out of a cup for some reason (plates were available, butt lick!)
Finally the Schemer succumbed to the bad karma he created when he beat DaPrez. Beaten down by the blinds, he ended up being all in with 3-7 or some shitty hand like that...Fortunately, he has a big penis, which keeps him happy.
The final four gathered around the table. Sloppy kept telling everyone it was great that he was losing so that he could make his hockey game. He said it so much that WE ALL wanted to lose to go to his hockey game.....Or we just wanted him to leave, I'm not sure which...
Unfortunately for Mr. Gretzky here, JT fell next (Terminator got him), so Sloppy had to stick around for a bit...
But he soon went down to Terminator, who now had about 19,000 in chips. Mud, who had about 1,000 (which was the big blind), folded his way to the final two yet again.
What happened next was certainly quite odd...Mud, showing the business savvy that can only be described as "Mexican", sensed he held all of the bargaining power, and made an egregiously one-sided offer to Terminator. Here is how it came to pass that the final 2 were never dealt a hand.
"Tell you what," said Mud, making it sound like he was making a concession to Terminator, "You give me my $21 entry fee back and we will call it even."
Terminator, who was excited to get home to be with his family, agreed.
The lesson is this: Mud and Terminator, shall, under NO circumstances, ever be allowed to run a business, together or seperately, or make any kind of investment without assistance.
The final order:
11. Rat
10. Da Prez
9. Tilt
8. That Guy
7. AC
6. Hit Man
5. Schemer
4. JT
3. Sloppy
2. Mud
1. Terminator
And the Oscar goes to Andrew, who "injured" his ankle playing basketball and limped around the rest of the day. What was interesting was that he forgot which ankle he hurt from time to time, leading to him limping on different and/or both legs. We'll put it down to the shock, kid.
And sincere Congrats to Terminator and Mrs. Terminator on the birth of A.L.!!
All the best to the family.
Good night, and good luck.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Another Epic "V" Classic
"There's only one place I'd rather be- French Lick."- Larry Legend
The Legend would have been proud. The greatest basketball player of all time was praised over and over as the V Classic continued to be one of the premier invitation-only poker events to be played on December 31 near the prisons. Players came from far and wide- some from as far away as East Providence- to test their mettle on the world's most difficult stage.
"Thank you all for coming. There is bakery pizza and cocktails on the counter," said the host, as players began to filter to their seats. "Once you are eliminated, you must shoot 10 free throws, and the person who makes the most out of 10 will receive a shitty prize," added big V.
This tournament has a history of strange things happening, such as Florida Boy and JT being the final 2, going heads-up last year. JT won in 2006, but '07 would be a tougher road to hoe, as he arrived late and was already damaged by the blinds by the time he sat down. The strangeness continued this year. One of the favorites going into the event, the Veep, was eliminated on the very first hand by That Guy. His trip nines couldn't overcome That Guy's trip Queens. Even more strangely, AC and DaPrez didn't really go on tilt at all today, disappointing the rest of the players, who were hoping for F bombs and cards flying around.
But a lot of the usual things happened- True to form, Sloppy brought a sack of Burger King and a gigantic Tim Horton's Iced Coffee, which he promptly spilled all over the place.
"What an asshole," said the host, while scurrying for paper towels, "but don't quote me." OK, we won't.
The Blind structure (blinds went up every 23 minutes, in honor of MJ) caused many players to deviate from their normal play. Tight play was not rewarded, and agressiveness ruled the day. After an hour of play, 4 players were already eliminated. And that was just the beginning.
While this was going on, a side game developed in the basement, on a ping-pong table. This was exactly what the doctor ordered for the Veep, as he was sitting with his thumb up his ass for a couple of hours and needed to find a way to win back his entry fee. Dealing was a challenge on this table, and after several hands, they realized they could take down the net. This streamlined play significantly.
Back to the tournament- About 2 hours in, the final table was decided. Those left were Big V, Lou D, DaPrez, Terminator, Mud, 'Lil Bastard, Joe G, and That Guy. It was at this point that the biggest single event in the history of poker occurred.
Faced with a short stack, Mud went all in with K-10 offsuit. Terminator called with an Ace. Terminator caught 2 pair on the flop, while Mud caught a King. Terminator had 2 pair, Mud had a pair of Kings. Mud needed runner-runner to stay alive. The turn? a King. The River? a 10. Full boat. Mud stayed alive. Terminator should have been sitting pretty, but was outdrawn, even though he was a huge favorite at that point. Fortunately, he had a big enough chip stack to survive it. And this would not be the last time that these two gladiators would square off.
Players continued to fall. DaPrez bowed out in 4th place, which was in the money- sort of. He won $28, even though the entry fee was $33 for a net loss of $5. However, 3 of the 4 money spots were claimed by Club Sub members- another good showing.
'Lil Bastard got knocked out by Mud, who became the chip leader, with only he and Terminator left to go heads-up for all of the marbles.
It was then that things got interesting. Both players had had several beers, and lost track of the blinds and the dealer button. In an effort to clarify things, Joe G (who had polished off a double bottle of Yellow Tail cabernet sauvignon) jumped in to assist with the dealing and promptly fucked everything up even worse, as his lower lip was purple and was a distraction. He looked (and acted) like he had just drank a whole lot of the grape Kool-Aid at Jonestown. Fortunately for all involved, V and also Mrs V would periodically show up and inform us we were doing it all wrong, and then leave. Most helpful.
The players and the inebriated dealer were able to fight thru this adversity, and, on a few different occasions, nearly struck a deal to chop the final winnings. But Terminator put the kibash on that.
Chips went back and forth. Each player became chip leader after every hand. Back and forth, forth and back. Topsy or turvy, turvy or topsy. Finally, Mud pushed all in and Terminator called. Terminator's hand held up- and it was over.
"This is the greatest poker victory of all time," said an obviously elated Terminator. "For me to fight thru adversity like that and not choke- I'm very proud of me."
So is Larry Legend.
Box Score:
Starting on Hearts Table: Lou, Rat, That Guy, Terminator, Veep, AC, 'Lil Bastard, DV
Satrting on Spades Table: V, Mud, DaPrez, BC, Sloppy, Clapp, Joe G, JT.
Final Table: Mud, V, Terminator, DaPrez, That Guy, 'Lil Bastard, Joe G, Lou D.
Final Placement:
16th- Veep
15th- DV
14th- BC
13th- Sloppy
12th- Rat
11th- JT
10th- Clap
9th- AC
8th- Lou D
7th- Big V
6th- That Guy
5th- Joe G
4th- DaPrez ($)
3rd- 'Lil Bastard ($)
2nd- Mud ($)
1st- Terminator ($)
$- indicates a finish in the money.
Free throws- DV, 7 for 10.
The Legend would have been proud. The greatest basketball player of all time was praised over and over as the V Classic continued to be one of the premier invitation-only poker events to be played on December 31 near the prisons. Players came from far and wide- some from as far away as East Providence- to test their mettle on the world's most difficult stage.
"Thank you all for coming. There is bakery pizza and cocktails on the counter," said the host, as players began to filter to their seats. "Once you are eliminated, you must shoot 10 free throws, and the person who makes the most out of 10 will receive a shitty prize," added big V.
This tournament has a history of strange things happening, such as Florida Boy and JT being the final 2, going heads-up last year. JT won in 2006, but '07 would be a tougher road to hoe, as he arrived late and was already damaged by the blinds by the time he sat down. The strangeness continued this year. One of the favorites going into the event, the Veep, was eliminated on the very first hand by That Guy. His trip nines couldn't overcome That Guy's trip Queens. Even more strangely, AC and DaPrez didn't really go on tilt at all today, disappointing the rest of the players, who were hoping for F bombs and cards flying around.
But a lot of the usual things happened- True to form, Sloppy brought a sack of Burger King and a gigantic Tim Horton's Iced Coffee, which he promptly spilled all over the place.
"What an asshole," said the host, while scurrying for paper towels, "but don't quote me." OK, we won't.
The Blind structure (blinds went up every 23 minutes, in honor of MJ) caused many players to deviate from their normal play. Tight play was not rewarded, and agressiveness ruled the day. After an hour of play, 4 players were already eliminated. And that was just the beginning.
While this was going on, a side game developed in the basement, on a ping-pong table. This was exactly what the doctor ordered for the Veep, as he was sitting with his thumb up his ass for a couple of hours and needed to find a way to win back his entry fee. Dealing was a challenge on this table, and after several hands, they realized they could take down the net. This streamlined play significantly.
Back to the tournament- About 2 hours in, the final table was decided. Those left were Big V, Lou D, DaPrez, Terminator, Mud, 'Lil Bastard, Joe G, and That Guy. It was at this point that the biggest single event in the history of poker occurred.
Faced with a short stack, Mud went all in with K-10 offsuit. Terminator called with an Ace. Terminator caught 2 pair on the flop, while Mud caught a King. Terminator had 2 pair, Mud had a pair of Kings. Mud needed runner-runner to stay alive. The turn? a King. The River? a 10. Full boat. Mud stayed alive. Terminator should have been sitting pretty, but was outdrawn, even though he was a huge favorite at that point. Fortunately, he had a big enough chip stack to survive it. And this would not be the last time that these two gladiators would square off.
Players continued to fall. DaPrez bowed out in 4th place, which was in the money- sort of. He won $28, even though the entry fee was $33 for a net loss of $5. However, 3 of the 4 money spots were claimed by Club Sub members- another good showing.
'Lil Bastard got knocked out by Mud, who became the chip leader, with only he and Terminator left to go heads-up for all of the marbles.
It was then that things got interesting. Both players had had several beers, and lost track of the blinds and the dealer button. In an effort to clarify things, Joe G (who had polished off a double bottle of Yellow Tail cabernet sauvignon) jumped in to assist with the dealing and promptly fucked everything up even worse, as his lower lip was purple and was a distraction. He looked (and acted) like he had just drank a whole lot of the grape Kool-Aid at Jonestown. Fortunately for all involved, V and also Mrs V would periodically show up and inform us we were doing it all wrong, and then leave. Most helpful.
The players and the inebriated dealer were able to fight thru this adversity, and, on a few different occasions, nearly struck a deal to chop the final winnings. But Terminator put the kibash on that.
Chips went back and forth. Each player became chip leader after every hand. Back and forth, forth and back. Topsy or turvy, turvy or topsy. Finally, Mud pushed all in and Terminator called. Terminator's hand held up- and it was over.
"This is the greatest poker victory of all time," said an obviously elated Terminator. "For me to fight thru adversity like that and not choke- I'm very proud of me."
So is Larry Legend.
Box Score:
Starting on Hearts Table: Lou, Rat, That Guy, Terminator, Veep, AC, 'Lil Bastard, DV
Satrting on Spades Table: V, Mud, DaPrez, BC, Sloppy, Clapp, Joe G, JT.
Final Table: Mud, V, Terminator, DaPrez, That Guy, 'Lil Bastard, Joe G, Lou D.
Final Placement:
16th- Veep
15th- DV
14th- BC
13th- Sloppy
12th- Rat
11th- JT
10th- Clap
9th- AC
8th- Lou D
7th- Big V
6th- That Guy
5th- Joe G
4th- DaPrez ($)
3rd- 'Lil Bastard ($)
2nd- Mud ($)
1st- Terminator ($)
$- indicates a finish in the money.
Free throws- DV, 7 for 10.
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