Drunkology

The History of Drunks

Drunkology is the study of the history of drunks. A burgeoning field, it is
now taught at some of the finer institutions in the US, led by Johnson and
Wales. Recently, 60 minutes found a student in one of these "classes", who
is also a member of the secretive Club sub organization, and interviewed
him in order to learn about drunkology and put some recent Club Sub events
in perspective. Here is the interview with that member, who prefers to be
called "Deep Drunk"

1. Reporter: "Deep Drunk: what did you learn most about your experience?"

Deep drunk: "JWU kids smoke tons of weed."

2. Reporter: "Well beyond that, what did you learn about drunkology?"

Deep Drunk: "Oh that. Pretty interesting. I learned about the forms of
drunkenness, and some famous celebrities who fit those descriptions. For
example, under the "happy drunk" profile, ie those people who get happier
and friendlier when drunk, you have such historical luminaries as, well
actually none come to mind right now. Oh yes Nixon, was a happy drunk."

Reporter: "Nixon?

Deep Drunk: "Yes, keep in mind its "happier than they usually were" Other
examples of happy drunks include Priests, Mayor Cicilline, and every gay man
as well. And ARod. The second category are "mean drunks" These are
personalities prone to get meaner with alcohol. Generally this includes
Doctors, Senators, Lesbians and Athletes. Classic studies include: Dr Ruth,
Ted Kennedy and Ellen Degeneres. From the sports world, Billy Martin, the
Mick, Whitey Ford, Lou Pinella, actually the entire Yankee franchise except
for A Rod. Also Dustin Diamond and Sherman Helmsley, were notorious mean
drunks."

Reporter: "You mean Screech and Mr Jefferson?"

Deep Drunk: That's right, in fact Sherman came up with the name Wheezy in a
drunken stupor after drinking 3 bottles of malt liquor, in which he blamed
her for falling ratings and is alleged to have said: "if you don't get in
shape and quit smoking, I'll fire your wheezin ass."

Reporter: " Wow, interesting. Any other observations?"

Deep Drunk: "Yes we also learned about the little known 3rd chromosome that
creates the worst kind of drunk, and we learned the typical profile of that
person."

Reporter: "Please go on, I'm fascinated by the absurdity of this"

Deep Drunk: "The 3rd chromosome is known as the "doom" chromosome. It
strikes about 1 out of 1000 people, though interestingly enough 1 out of 10
Yankee fans and 1 out of 3 postal workers."

Reporter: "My God what would happen if a yankee fan was a postal worker?"

Deep Drunk: "Well we see the results of that constantly whether its the
random post office massacre ie. the phrase "going postal" or the Yankee fan
who "falls" onto the field from the upper balcony.

Reporter: "Interesting and yet good for society. Now what traits do these
people posses?"

Deep Drunk: "Well very similar traits in fact. They are generally front
runners, they like winners like the Cowboys, Yankees, and the Republican
Party. Also they prefer repetitive tasks which is why they are often
fisherman, mailman, chronic masturbators, or sometimes all three. They tend
to be a bit unhappy on the home front, preferring the "good old" days,
though no one is quite sure those days were actually that good.

Reporter: " So could you explain quickly, as my train is coming in and this
is getting tedious, what happens when the "doom" chromosome gets drunk?"

Deep Drunk: "Yes, let me point to some historical events to put this in
context. Lee Harvey Oswald: Cowboy fan, bookstore worker, republican, gets
drunk and kills a president. Bill Parcells, cowboy fan, coach, republican,
gets drunk and throws the Pats superbowl vs the Packers. Ted Kazinsky, aka
the Unabomber, Laker fan, chronic masturbator, fly fisherman, ultra
Republican, gets drunk and blows things up......thru the post office!.
Reverend Wright, Yankee fan, preacher, gets so drunk one day he wakes up and
thinks he's a Republican and attempts to destroy Obama. In Club sub we see
some parallels. Teaching, a repetitive task if there ever was one, is a
breeding ground for "doom" We see some epic doomed decisions from this
crowd. How about the President buying a horse and keeping it indoors, then
telling everyone its actually a dog. And those shirts "that guy" wears. Or
the fact that some members have negative credit scores. Or the fact that one
member hasn't seen a doctor since he was 7, because the last time he went he
got a thermometer in "the bad place" Or the fact that one member bought a
house with a hole in the backyard the size of Rosie Odonnell's vageen. Or
the fact that one member fled to Canada on fears he'd be drafted for this
Iraq war, he's 36. Or the fact that one ex member calls himself Ypac and
claims that Tom Cruise is of mixed Asian decent. Or Yung Flanagan running a
pass route into the pavement. But of all those epic cases of the doom
chromosome causing bad decisions, by far the worst recurring case can be
seen in the Human Rain Delay (HRD). The HRD is worse than Mantle, Mr Jefferson and
Oswald combined. He is rumored to have used his gratuitous phrase "go fuck
your face" at parent teacher night, communion, and a Hanna Montana concert.
His displays at poker tournaments are equally shameful. He is known to show
the whole table his cards, yet still make a bet, because "no one knows what
I'm thinking though". He drinks Scotch in quantities that would make Dudley
Moore cringe. He gets over emotional and crosses into the gay ecstasy zone
of let me hug and kiss you even though you're a guy. He slows down to sloth
type speed, a speed so slow it makes other postal workers envious. He
constantly checks his phone as it blasts the ring tone to Kashmir, though no
one is quite sure who's calling a mailman at 2:00 am on a Saturday night.

Reporter: " Wow well how do you combat that annoying, hideous, farm animal,
hope my kids don't turn out that way but my sister in law's do, type
behavior?"

Deep Drunk: "Well first of all we combat it by only seeing him 4 times a
year, it takes about 3 months to recover. Secondly we combated it by
maintaining a very high entrance exam for his potential admission to club
sub. You know the senior leadership council is often criticized for not
maintaining the same entrance standards for each member. For example one
recent member "just" had to go a day without eating burger king (though for
this member this was actually a herculean task). Whereas HRD's hurdle would
appear to be higher. However after all we've just discussed on his doom
chromosome, which by the way is a recessive gene, what better entrance exam
than to prevent any further Doom carriers to populate the earth.

Reporter: "Wait are you saying what I think you're saying?"

Deep Drunk: "Yes, his entrance exam was to get a vasectomy."

Reporter: "And there you have it folks, drunkology, its current forms,
traits, and a frightening secretive cult type organization that requires a
vasectomy to enter. However uncivilized, archaic or barbaric that may seem,
I must say that in this case, its probably deserved because frankly, that
HRD sounds like a big douche bag.

I'm Ed Bradley signing off for 60 minutes and yes I'm dead and that old man
Mike Wallace outlived me. He drinks the blood of young puppies I tell you!