Well, it's been quite a sabbatical for the Member Profiler (har!). I wrote a book, fathered a kid, dreamed of 3-way sex with Chasey Lain and Jenna Jameson (and myself), and reinvented my Fantasy Football teams.
But we're back, because there is new blood to talk about. This month we are talking with the Human Rain Delay, aka The Mailman, aka Captain Colon. It's not every day that someone can have 12 different personalities and not be considered deranged. But therein lies the mystery and stigma of this man- his personality is directly tied to the amount of cocktails he has consumed.
A probationary CS member, HRD has disgusted, appalled, fascinated, intrigued, entertained, loved, and verbally abused every member of Club Sub, often at the same time. His poker games are legendary. His poker skills are not.
He is the proud owner of a really terrible Fantasy Football franchise, dubbed "The Captain Morgan Men". What kind of name for a team is that? Was "The Cockjockeys" taken? Might as well have called them "The Midori Sours".
We bought him a Captain and Diet to more effectively pick his brain.
ClubSub: How does it feel to be a probationary member of Club Sub?
Human Rain Delay: Dildo!
CS: Uh-huh. And does the affiliation with this fine organization affect your standing in social circles?
HRD: Go fuck your face!
CS: I see. Any news on whether or not you will ever be a full-fledged member?
HRD: Bitches!
CS: Gotcha. Let's talk about the....Sir, wake up...Sir? SIR?!?!
HRD: (groggy) sadglgewhhcmmmm ....ttsppp .....boobs.... Cowboys.... Yankees.... fhffhhghfhfhgh.... Whoa! hooollleee ss.... 17 dollars? whatatehgshkdf.....
CS: (to HRD's assistant) Maybe we should do this another time...
HRD: (waking up) Negative, sir. I have not yet had the opportunity to refute your argument. In Parliamentary circles, I am awarded the privilege of a counterpoint. I find your perception, while certainly not without its merits, to be specious and incendiary, and I demand the courtesy of a rebutt.
CS: Wow...OK, fire away.
HRD: You're a fuckin homo. Get me a drink.
CS: What would being a full-fledged member of Club Sub mean to you?
HRD: It would mean....It would mean..EVERYTHING to me...I never had....I mean, I've had some friends, but never....I would be accepted, you know? To be a part of something so big, and so, new, and....It would just mean the world to me. It really would.
CS: That's beautiful. I never had any idea you were this insightful.
HRD: Well, you're a douche.
CS: Touche'. At any rate, do you have anything to say to DaPrez, who holds your Club Sub fate in his hands?
HRD: Dildo!
CS: Uh-huh. And would you like to say anything to the other members, who hold much more influence than you think over DaPrez?
HRD: Go fuck your face!
CS: I see. Now let's talk about the Yankees. Clearly a shell of their former self, do you think...
HRD: This interview is over, Bitches! (Flips Mud's poker table over)
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Saturday, September 06, 2008
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Mud's 1st Annual Club Sub Fantasy Football Preview
Well, it's that time of year again, folks....The NFL season is upon us, which means that the Club Sub Fantasy Football League gets under way. I have decided that a preview is in order.
Here's Mud's take on the clubs. Remember, this is not my opinion- this is FACT, baby.
In alphabetical order....
CAPTAIN MORGAN MEN: Kept Torry Holt. Seriously, what else do you need to know? Oh, here's what else- his starting running backs are all backups (except for Maroney, who will be a backup by week 6). Strong receiving corps, with the exception of Javon Walker, who can't drink too much water without sprouting a leak due to the 412 stab wounds he suffered in Vegas. Oh, and as recently as a week ago he was seriously considering retirement.
Projected finish: 12th.
Sleeper: Darren Sproles. This choice almost got this probationary member kicked out of Club Sub. Look for big things from Sproles, especially when LaDanian Tomlinson gets benched by week 2.
Question mark: Will the guy who stabbed Javon Walker finish the job this year?
Club Sub Convicts: His week 1 starting lineup has first names of Donovan, Willis, LenDale, Marques, Jerricho, and Santana. And to round it out, Brandon, Nate, and Tony. Couple that with the fact that he can't stay off the bowl for more than 2 hours at a time and we see a rough year for the commish. However, I'm sure that he will bend the rules in his favor somehow as he does every year.
Projected Finish: 10th
Sleeper: Ted Ginn Jr. Is this guy a wideout or a partner in a law firm? I think a wideout. But seriously, drop the "Jr.". No one knows who "Ted Ginn Sr." is.
Question mark: Will the "roast the commish" feature each week spell doom?
DaPrez: Oh, boy- where do we start? LaDanian Tomlinson is due for a gruesome injury. Jamal Lewis is 62 years old, and has the emotional baggage of having been someone's bitch when he was in the joint. Ronnie Brown had his leg surgically reattached. And a potential savior, like Darren Sproles, is nowhere to be found. The glory days are over for DaPrez's administration. I don't see him defending this year.
Projected Finish: 7th
Sleeper: Jonathan Stewart. This guy is gonna be GOOOOD.
Question Mark: Tim Hightower could be a good one, but I don't think he'll perform well without Tacklebury, Mahoney, and Hooks.
Del's Destroyers: The strategy of not drafting a reasonable quarterback will sting. Ryan Grant will not get it done this year- not without a reliable passing game, and Aaron Rodgers didn't even get drafted. Also, he starts Greg Jennings...A shrewd move, considering that Green Bay's offense will suck this year. Seriously, was Del even at the draft, or was it the computer?
Projected Finish: 9th.
Sleeper: Ricky Williams: If he can stay off the herb, he could be a super pick. Or he could fall off the wagon and end up smoked out and eating Hostess cupcakes for 3 moths straight.
Question mark: How long before Willie Parker gets benched in favor of Rashard Mendenhall?
fat twins on bikes: Potential, potential, potential. This team could be dominant this year. Or they could suck out the joint. On paper, they are tops-good QBs, good RBs, decent wideouts. In reality, well, we'll see. This team's biggest issue is its owner.
Projected Finish: 2nd.
Sleeper: Rashard Mendenhall. Could end up the starter. Could end up fumbling one of his major organs away and dying. Only the Lord knows.
Question Mark: How long before this team gets ruined by a dubious trade?
Hot Corner: The combined age of his 3 satrting wideouts is 96 years old. Alge Crumpler's best days are behind him. The Pats D ain't what it used to be. And Marshawn Lynch could be going away for vehicular homicide. These, my friends, are not good things.
Projected Finish: 11th.
Sleeper: Thomas Jones. This guy is in line to have a big year with Favre in the backfield.
Question Mark: Who will he keep at the end of the year? His entire roster may be retiring.
The Battle of Jutland: All hail sweet youth! This team has the potential to go worst-to-first. This owner, clearly on a different intellectual plane from all of the other owners, fomented a revolution of youth that will hold this league in its clutches for the next 2 years. Or could render him into the basement yet again. A rigged draft lottery could spell doom.
Projected Finish: 1st.
Sleeper: All of them- Matt Forte, Kevin Smith, DeSean Jackson- Seriously.
Question Mark: The only thing that can stop this team is commissioner intervention, which is probably what will happen in. This league is as corrupt as the Teamsters in 1972.
The Clapp: An outstanding draft for the new guy, who really didn't have too much to work with. Truly made lemonade out of lemons. Palmer, Johnson, and Westbrook should be enough to alone carry this team into the playoffs. However, when Larry Johnson's legs fall off in week 7 and Brian Westbrook's Social Security kicks in, Clapp could be shit out of luck. But we think that this team can hold together and earn a playoff spot.
Projected Finish: 4th.
Sleeper: Matt Ryan. This guys is just what's needed at the QB position in ATL- a non-felon.
Question Mark: Rookie owner. Could potentially screw up his own team.
Fighting Amish: Solid core- goodQB, good RBs, decent wideouts. This all means nothing, as the players on this team are FRAGILE. Derek Anderson still sees double. Marvin Harrison has the left knee of a cadaver. Marion Barber gets his ass kicked every week. All of this adds up to a non-playoff berth for the contradictory pacifists.
Projected Finish: 8th.
Sleeper: Donnie Avery. First receiver chosen in last year's draft. Could end up like Hart Lee Dykes, though- shot at Shalimar.
Question Mark: Non Club Sub member. Karma's not on his side.
The Schemers: Looking at this team's Week 1 lineup...Things are not good. There's more Red Crosses here than in New Orleans 3 years ago. However, remove that factor and this team looks pretty good on paper. On paper.
Projected Finish: 5th.
Sleeper: Eddie Royal. Word on the street is that this guy has some skillz. That's right, skillz with a z.
Question Mark: Will a scathing roast of the commish result is some sort of score-tampering? I think so.
The Ward Boys: Well, well, well....Let's see how Adrian Peterson holds up...he was injured for a substantial amount of his college career....Big questions at receiver, other than Fitzie. Also, Darren McFadden has "bust" written all over him when teams realize that JaMarcus Russell isn't beating anybody and key on the run. Don't see this team making the playoffs. Also, minority owner That Guy is making a power move in the front office, so we suspect managerial discord for a team that thrives on unity.
Projected Finish: 6th.
Sleeper: Pierre Thomas. It's high time someone named "Pierre" made noise in the NFL.
Question Mark: Is Donald Driver all done? Stick a fork in that guy. That's what we think.
The Warriors: This team will sneak into the playoffs (as usual) and get smoked in the first round (as usual). We think that this team will rely too much on an Indianapolis offense that is not young anymore and is banged up (don't underestimate how much they will miss Jeff Saturday). However, they are STRONG at RB, which is half the battle in this league. That alone is enough to get them into the playoffs.
Projected Finish: 3rd
Sleeper: Felix Jones. I love the name "Felix". Love it, love it, LOVE IT.
Question Mark: Ownership has historically placed entirely too much stress on itself and panicked itself into moves that, in hindsight, sucked. Can ownership keep from going Mariah Carey and ENJOY this for what it's worth?
So there you have it folks. Good luck to all this season, and long live Club Sub.
And if you don't like anything I had to say here, feel free to blow it out your ass, as usual.
Mud out.
Here's Mud's take on the clubs. Remember, this is not my opinion- this is FACT, baby.
In alphabetical order....
CAPTAIN MORGAN MEN: Kept Torry Holt. Seriously, what else do you need to know? Oh, here's what else- his starting running backs are all backups (except for Maroney, who will be a backup by week 6). Strong receiving corps, with the exception of Javon Walker, who can't drink too much water without sprouting a leak due to the 412 stab wounds he suffered in Vegas. Oh, and as recently as a week ago he was seriously considering retirement.
Projected finish: 12th.
Sleeper: Darren Sproles. This choice almost got this probationary member kicked out of Club Sub. Look for big things from Sproles, especially when LaDanian Tomlinson gets benched by week 2.
Question mark: Will the guy who stabbed Javon Walker finish the job this year?
Club Sub Convicts: His week 1 starting lineup has first names of Donovan, Willis, LenDale, Marques, Jerricho, and Santana. And to round it out, Brandon, Nate, and Tony. Couple that with the fact that he can't stay off the bowl for more than 2 hours at a time and we see a rough year for the commish. However, I'm sure that he will bend the rules in his favor somehow as he does every year.
Projected Finish: 10th
Sleeper: Ted Ginn Jr. Is this guy a wideout or a partner in a law firm? I think a wideout. But seriously, drop the "Jr.". No one knows who "Ted Ginn Sr." is.
Question mark: Will the "roast the commish" feature each week spell doom?
DaPrez: Oh, boy- where do we start? LaDanian Tomlinson is due for a gruesome injury. Jamal Lewis is 62 years old, and has the emotional baggage of having been someone's bitch when he was in the joint. Ronnie Brown had his leg surgically reattached. And a potential savior, like Darren Sproles, is nowhere to be found. The glory days are over for DaPrez's administration. I don't see him defending this year.
Projected Finish: 7th
Sleeper: Jonathan Stewart. This guy is gonna be GOOOOD.
Question Mark: Tim Hightower could be a good one, but I don't think he'll perform well without Tacklebury, Mahoney, and Hooks.
Del's Destroyers: The strategy of not drafting a reasonable quarterback will sting. Ryan Grant will not get it done this year- not without a reliable passing game, and Aaron Rodgers didn't even get drafted. Also, he starts Greg Jennings...A shrewd move, considering that Green Bay's offense will suck this year. Seriously, was Del even at the draft, or was it the computer?
Projected Finish: 9th.
Sleeper: Ricky Williams: If he can stay off the herb, he could be a super pick. Or he could fall off the wagon and end up smoked out and eating Hostess cupcakes for 3 moths straight.
Question mark: How long before Willie Parker gets benched in favor of Rashard Mendenhall?
fat twins on bikes: Potential, potential, potential. This team could be dominant this year. Or they could suck out the joint. On paper, they are tops-good QBs, good RBs, decent wideouts. In reality, well, we'll see. This team's biggest issue is its owner.
Projected Finish: 2nd.
Sleeper: Rashard Mendenhall. Could end up the starter. Could end up fumbling one of his major organs away and dying. Only the Lord knows.
Question Mark: How long before this team gets ruined by a dubious trade?
Hot Corner: The combined age of his 3 satrting wideouts is 96 years old. Alge Crumpler's best days are behind him. The Pats D ain't what it used to be. And Marshawn Lynch could be going away for vehicular homicide. These, my friends, are not good things.
Projected Finish: 11th.
Sleeper: Thomas Jones. This guy is in line to have a big year with Favre in the backfield.
Question Mark: Who will he keep at the end of the year? His entire roster may be retiring.
The Battle of Jutland: All hail sweet youth! This team has the potential to go worst-to-first. This owner, clearly on a different intellectual plane from all of the other owners, fomented a revolution of youth that will hold this league in its clutches for the next 2 years. Or could render him into the basement yet again. A rigged draft lottery could spell doom.
Projected Finish: 1st.
Sleeper: All of them- Matt Forte, Kevin Smith, DeSean Jackson- Seriously.
Question Mark: The only thing that can stop this team is commissioner intervention, which is probably what will happen in. This league is as corrupt as the Teamsters in 1972.
The Clapp: An outstanding draft for the new guy, who really didn't have too much to work with. Truly made lemonade out of lemons. Palmer, Johnson, and Westbrook should be enough to alone carry this team into the playoffs. However, when Larry Johnson's legs fall off in week 7 and Brian Westbrook's Social Security kicks in, Clapp could be shit out of luck. But we think that this team can hold together and earn a playoff spot.
Projected Finish: 4th.
Sleeper: Matt Ryan. This guys is just what's needed at the QB position in ATL- a non-felon.
Question Mark: Rookie owner. Could potentially screw up his own team.
Fighting Amish: Solid core- goodQB, good RBs, decent wideouts. This all means nothing, as the players on this team are FRAGILE. Derek Anderson still sees double. Marvin Harrison has the left knee of a cadaver. Marion Barber gets his ass kicked every week. All of this adds up to a non-playoff berth for the contradictory pacifists.
Projected Finish: 8th.
Sleeper: Donnie Avery. First receiver chosen in last year's draft. Could end up like Hart Lee Dykes, though- shot at Shalimar.
Question Mark: Non Club Sub member. Karma's not on his side.
The Schemers: Looking at this team's Week 1 lineup...Things are not good. There's more Red Crosses here than in New Orleans 3 years ago. However, remove that factor and this team looks pretty good on paper. On paper.
Projected Finish: 5th.
Sleeper: Eddie Royal. Word on the street is that this guy has some skillz. That's right, skillz with a z.
Question Mark: Will a scathing roast of the commish result is some sort of score-tampering? I think so.
The Ward Boys: Well, well, well....Let's see how Adrian Peterson holds up...he was injured for a substantial amount of his college career....Big questions at receiver, other than Fitzie. Also, Darren McFadden has "bust" written all over him when teams realize that JaMarcus Russell isn't beating anybody and key on the run. Don't see this team making the playoffs. Also, minority owner That Guy is making a power move in the front office, so we suspect managerial discord for a team that thrives on unity.
Projected Finish: 6th.
Sleeper: Pierre Thomas. It's high time someone named "Pierre" made noise in the NFL.
Question Mark: Is Donald Driver all done? Stick a fork in that guy. That's what we think.
The Warriors: This team will sneak into the playoffs (as usual) and get smoked in the first round (as usual). We think that this team will rely too much on an Indianapolis offense that is not young anymore and is banged up (don't underestimate how much they will miss Jeff Saturday). However, they are STRONG at RB, which is half the battle in this league. That alone is enough to get them into the playoffs.
Projected Finish: 3rd
Sleeper: Felix Jones. I love the name "Felix". Love it, love it, LOVE IT.
Question Mark: Ownership has historically placed entirely too much stress on itself and panicked itself into moves that, in hindsight, sucked. Can ownership keep from going Mariah Carey and ENJOY this for what it's worth?
So there you have it folks. Good luck to all this season, and long live Club Sub.
And if you don't like anything I had to say here, feel free to blow it out your ass, as usual.
Mud out.
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