Hi everyone! I know, I know, we're 2 weeks into the season and I'm just now getting around to writing a preview. Well, blow it out your ass. I have been busy with all of the ASS I have been getting. Seriously, we're talking Wilt Chamberlain-esque volume of tail. And a shout out to the Sub. Happy 20th Birthday! The bash at Frank White's was epic.
But now onto a different topic- Fantasy Football, of course! It's my turn to tell you all how you've disappointed me in he past year. Please, someone get the pole out of the crawl space.
Last year I was pretty solid in my predictions. After all, I won the league last year. Oh, you hadn't heard? Yeah, I won. Right? right.
Onto the clubs in alphabetical order.
Captain Morgan Men - still the gayest name in this league. And even worse (for him, but better for us) he seems to spend all of his time looking for avatars instead of developing a draft strategy. Solid play there, pillowbiter. Here's a thought: obtain a wide receiver who is under 35 years old. His starting wideouts combined age? 107. I shit you not.
Projected Finish: 9th
Sleeper: Wow. I just looked at his roster again, and it is OLD. There are no sleepers. Except the whole team, when they eat too much fiber and nod off during "Anderson Cooper 360" at 7:00 every evening.
Question Mark: How can he top last year's avatars?
Club Sub Convicts: This guy should buy a fucking PowerBall ticket. In the first 2 weeks, he had 3 of the best Fantasy performances in the history of non-adult movie Fantasy performances. Philly's D going off? Check. Chris Johnson looking like he's running thru traffic cones? Check. Donovan McNabb throwing 17 TDs and breaking a rib in the same game? Check.
What's next, the Commish giving up bacon and learning how to digest blueberries? Oops, sorry Mr Commissioner sir.
Projected Finish: 1st. That's right! He gets the "Mud-den Curse". Har!
Sleeper: Jamaal Charles. All kinds of talent...Wait, he was a healthy scratch? Well, so much for that.
Question Mark: Willis McGahee. How long until Baltimore decides to let Ray Rice score a little and sits Willis on his ass?
DaPrez: Should have called your team "DaHasBeens". Seriously, you have a guy named "Fred Jackson". Isn't he the security guard at the Westin who works Thursday nights? Fittingly, he is filling in for Marshawn Lynch, who ran over a crack whore who was trying to rob one of Marshawn's entourage. And where the Hell did Frank Gore's career come from? I can't believe he is still alive, let alone playing ball.
Projected Finish: 3rd.
Sleeper: Chansi Stuckey. One of the best names in the NFL goes to Filthy Sanchez' favorite target. No flies on Chansi!
Question Mark: Is it me, or does it seem like there are not a lot of impact young players this year? I'm looking at these teams, and they are all old as dirt. I can't believe that they are still starting games after 8:30- I'm surprised that half of these teams can stay up that late.
Del's Destroyers: Don't you have to go build some fucking walls? This ain't softball, stucknut. This is actually a pretty solid team, on paper. But the X factor is management. Last year, he made a trade which hurt his team and ran his mouth about how good a trade it was. Then got smoked in the championship. Point is, he now knows what to do- Shut Up. I know what you're saying, Sloppy- "Let it go Mud!" Never!!!!
Projected Finish: 8th
Sleeper: Greg Jones. He's healthy, and Jacksonville is so bad that he will see significant action when Maurice Jones-Drew is shot dead in a custody battle between Mr Jones and Ms Drew.
Question Mark: Injuries could bite him in the ass- not a deep team. 3 guys on his bench have yet to play due to the fact that they aren't very good.
Fine Influential Diagnoses (or whatever he is calling himself these days): When are you going to try to get together with Drew Brees to perform oral sex on him? This guy is your bread and butter, year in, year out. And who the hell is Louis Murphy? Sounds like the treasurer of the Technology Club. I also find it curious that you have the other hyphenated Jaguar in Sims-Walker-Pierce-Fenner-World-Understanding-Harrington-Schwartz. Where the fuck do these people come from? Anyway, here's my analysis: Your-Team-Will-Suck-Balls.
Projected Finish: 2nd. Always a bridesmaid....
Sleeper: Watch out for Correll Buckhalter...This guy has never had a chance to shine. He'll get it in Denver, but he'll need oxygen, I'm sure.
Question Mark: You have to believe that Drew Brees' arm will fall off at some point. My arm hurts, and I don't masturbate nearly as much as Brees throws the ball. Seriously, I don't. Guys?
Hot Corner: The #1 pick is looking like it was wasted. What a shame. But I guess that's what happens when you draft 2 defenses. Although in fairness to him, he is trying Mud's 2008 draft strategy by grabbing all the youngsters available. Guess what, though? IT ONLY WORKS FOR MUD. STEP THE FUCK OFF. I'll check your ass with the quickness, just to let you know.
Projected Finish: 11th.
Sleeper: Pick anyone on his bench. You probably know more about them than I do.
Question Mark: Kevin Smith. This guy is a great talent on a bad team. Hate to see that.
The Aristocrats: Now, I know that you guys are anxious to hear what I have to say about my own team, which is in last place with the lowest point total of all. In discussions about Global Economics, we keep hearing about how China is this "sleeping giant" who will become the world's leading consumer in the decades to come and in fact is already one of the world's leading consumers, particularly of fossil fuels. The presumption here is that we need to figure out different energy solutions, be they clean diesel, solar, wind, or what have you, or the world's oil supply could dry up in as little as 20 years. The point? I personally think that it is safe to say that China is awake now. However, my team isn't. And my team isn't going to wake up. This is what happens when you are forced to draft the best available players for 15 rounds.
Projected Finish: 12th
Sleeper: everybody. They are all stiffs.
Question Mark: Will Mud go off on a trade binge to reinvent his team? We'll see what happens if he loses week 3. Get your offers ready, boys!
The Clapp: For a good six weeks leading into the season, we were subjected to a steady diet (in print and on the internet) of "Anthony Gonzalez will have a BREAKOUT year!" and "Line up to suck Anthony Gonzalez' dick!" Well, Clapp was only too happy to oblige. But instead of a casual oral situation, Anthony flipped the script and pounded Clapp square in the shit chute. At least, that's what you might think. But the fact is that Clapp has himself a nice little team right now. They are quietly (Har!) gettting the job done.
Projected Finish: 6th. Enters the playoffs!
Sleeper: Darren Sproles. Seriously, San Diego can't keep going back to Tomlinson. He's Shaun Alexander at this point. 2009 Shaun Alexander.
Question Mark: Management. if Clapp starts discussing trades with other GMs, can someone please do him a favor and hit him in the neck with a blow dart, for his own good? Thanks.
The Fighting Amish: Nice Starters. Zero Depth. You do know that this is the NFL, and poeple get hurt? Hopefully I play you in the week that Bernard Scott and Jeremy Maclin are starting for you. or Glen Coffee. Glen Coffee? Who the Hell is this guy? I'll tell you who he is- he's the guy who ain't gonna play in SF, that's who he is. Frank Gore had 659 yards and 7 scores last week and they STILL ran him until he got hurt.
Projected Finish: 4th. I think he'll hang on long enough t0 snag a playoff spot.
Sleeper: The GM.
Question Mark: Injuries...Could hurt the man.
The Schemers: What an embarassment. During the draft, he kept shouting out picks at random times like he had Tourette's (the non-explicit kind). It was sad. Towards the end, we stopped calling him "Douche" and that stuff. Instead, we began treating him like he came in 7th at the 100-yard dash in the Special Olympics- patting him on the head, hugging him, and saying things like "Great job, buddy! We love you! Let's go to Friendly's! Everyone gets a medal!". Sad. That said, I like this team, although I don't like the trade for Tomlinson. However, thru 2 weeks, he has the 2nd lowest point total in the league, but is 1-1. We'll see how it shakes out for him.
Projected Finish: 10th. Sorry bud, welcome again to the Lottery.
Sleeper: Miles Austin. Look for big numbers by the end of the year.
Question Mark: How badly hurt is MJD?
Wards: I keep asking if they will go away. I keep hoping they will go away. We all hope they will go away. But yet they are here to stay. Next we'll read "Hop on Pop". This is a perpetual playoff team, but I can't see them winning the big one- lack of depth. 2 fragile QBs and not a lot of bench points. Still, they just never seem to go away, so expect them there come playoff time...
Projected Finish: 5th
Sleeper: The rivalry between the Maloofs, I mean the Wards. I still say that someday this team will cause a rift in the family causing the twins to have to choose sides...
Question Mark: The only 2-headed monster in the league. After a while, there has to be some dissention if they don't win the big one, right? Watching these 2 make a draft selection is painful. Lots of whispering and covering their mouths, and That Guy loudly announcing stuff like "The Wards select LaDanain Tomlinson, who is a Running Back for San Diego!". Next year, they should provide steaks to all of us at the draft. Who DOESN'T like steak? I had a really good Filet at Morton's in Boston a few weeks ago. Obviously overpriced, but great atmosphere and a lot of fun, and a really good piece of meat.
Warriors: Shooting at the walls of heartache, bang bang...Come out and play...Somehow, this team is 1 and 1. Not sure how. This team is not very good. But hey, at least the real football team is doing well, right? What? 1-2? oh...
This team is kinda patchwork. Young & old mixed together in a tasteful & elegant melange of wisdom and exuberance. Hate to do it Terminator, but i think you'll be joining me in the Lottery again.
Projected Finish: 10th
Sleeper: I like Mario Manningham. With Plax in the can, Manning has to have someone to throw to, and there are some injuries to the Giants receiver corps...This guy could be special. or he could kill an elderly Jewish man with his Bentley Continental GT at 7am after a night of speedballs, Remy, Kind Bud, and Cristal in Miami Beach. Wait, someone has already done that? My bad.
Question Mark: Who are half of these people on his roster?
So there you have it, folks. Long live Club Sub. And I wish all the best of luck in your Fantasy seasons. And if you don't like what I have to say, I'll loan you a quarter so you can buy a fucking sense of humor. Otherwise, blow it out your ass. As usual.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Friday, September 04, 2009
Party Awards
Some awards for the party
1. Most horrified by the events-non member: Tied: Katie V. (present) and Jen R. (absent)
2. Most horrified by the events-member: Reiles
3. Most confusing moment: "I pick, …. Father Paul, Father Paul??
4. Most business impact: Heffenreffer stock shot up this week on record sales.
5. Most surprising sighting: many people saw for the first time that The Postman is married
6. Most insightful question/observation, tied: Katie V. "is all the music going to be rap?" Anonymous: "Got to know the first lady a bit, she's got a pretty foul mouth"
7. Most popular food item I found most frequently throughout the house the next 2 days: whole limes
8. Best scene reminiscent from the "hangover". The next morning, me thinking my 120 quart cooler full of beer had been stolen off the deck. Except it had been on the fireplace. So then I thought it was stolen off the fireplace, which meant someone walked in during the night to take it. Dumbfounded for hours at its disappearance, I stumbled upon it in the basement, where it had apparently been moved for poker. No one recalls moving it there.
9. Best devoted soldier award: tied, 3 way: Clout, skipping parents anniversary, Reiles, skipping wife's birthday, Schemer, gutting it out while sick as a dog.
10. Most likely to be arrested on way home: tie, 3 way: The Beerman (outstanding warrants), The Postman-DWI, The Hitman-kidnapping Mud by forcibly restraining him in the back seat (ask Mud the story)
11. Most asked question: 3 way tie "who is that?" reference to the beerman, "Is that Harvey Milk?"-reference to the beerman, "what does rat fucked mean?"-reference to the Mud incident, "when can we leave?" reference to any number of wives.
12. Worst partier: The Rat's wife-sleeping on couch.
13. Worst unintentional comedy: Frank White's wife: "Matt last time I saw you you hadn't shaved your head."
14. Best Cornhole player: Big Sloppy (no joke needed)
Planning has already begun for 2014 and the 25 year extravaganza. Looking forward, here is a likely snapshot of the future as the 25th initiations are delivered:
1. Fic realizes that he has pro baseball player spermazoa when his son is drafted as a 10 year old. Unfortunately, Fic is out of the baby making business as he got his BALLS CUT OFF IN 2009.
2. Upon receiving the initiation, Jen R. asks Chris: I thought I told you to change your phone number and email address.
3. Katie asks Dave: isn't it enough we have to see the Hitman on the holidays?
4. Matt C. is now a professional fund raiser and has replaced Jerry Lewis on the telethon. Ironically the French hate him however.
5. Big Sloppy is still planning to get engaged. Remember no rush, take it from us.
6. Father M's parish has now been moved to Central Falls, as the church continues to try and get him to quit. Next assignment: Afghanistan.
7. Mud, continuing to try for a boy but denying it, now has 5 daughters.
8. Stamps are now more expensive than a bottle of heffenreffer, yet da mailman still has a job.
9. Frank White has now moved into the State House, not because of politics but just for "a bit more room"
10. Clap:
1. Most horrified by the events-non member: Tied: Katie V. (present) and Jen R. (absent)
2. Most horrified by the events-member: Reiles
3. Most confusing moment: "I pick, …. Father Paul, Father Paul??
4. Most business impact: Heffenreffer stock shot up this week on record sales.
5. Most surprising sighting: many people saw for the first time that The Postman is married
6. Most insightful question/observation, tied: Katie V. "is all the music going to be rap?" Anonymous: "Got to know the first lady a bit, she's got a pretty foul mouth"
7. Most popular food item I found most frequently throughout the house the next 2 days: whole limes
8. Best scene reminiscent from the "hangover". The next morning, me thinking my 120 quart cooler full of beer had been stolen off the deck. Except it had been on the fireplace. So then I thought it was stolen off the fireplace, which meant someone walked in during the night to take it. Dumbfounded for hours at its disappearance, I stumbled upon it in the basement, where it had apparently been moved for poker. No one recalls moving it there.
9. Best devoted soldier award: tied, 3 way: Clout, skipping parents anniversary, Reiles, skipping wife's birthday, Schemer, gutting it out while sick as a dog.
10. Most likely to be arrested on way home: tie, 3 way: The Beerman (outstanding warrants), The Postman-DWI, The Hitman-kidnapping Mud by forcibly restraining him in the back seat (ask Mud the story)
11. Most asked question: 3 way tie "who is that?" reference to the beerman, "Is that Harvey Milk?"-reference to the beerman, "what does rat fucked mean?"-reference to the Mud incident, "when can we leave?" reference to any number of wives.
12. Worst partier: The Rat's wife-sleeping on couch.
13. Worst unintentional comedy: Frank White's wife: "Matt last time I saw you you hadn't shaved your head."
14. Best Cornhole player: Big Sloppy (no joke needed)
Planning has already begun for 2014 and the 25 year extravaganza. Looking forward, here is a likely snapshot of the future as the 25th initiations are delivered:
1. Fic realizes that he has pro baseball player spermazoa when his son is drafted as a 10 year old. Unfortunately, Fic is out of the baby making business as he got his BALLS CUT OFF IN 2009.
2. Upon receiving the initiation, Jen R. asks Chris: I thought I told you to change your phone number and email address.
3. Katie asks Dave: isn't it enough we have to see the Hitman on the holidays?
4. Matt C. is now a professional fund raiser and has replaced Jerry Lewis on the telethon. Ironically the French hate him however.
5. Big Sloppy is still planning to get engaged. Remember no rush, take it from us.
6. Father M's parish has now been moved to Central Falls, as the church continues to try and get him to quit. Next assignment: Afghanistan.
7. Mud, continuing to try for a boy but denying it, now has 5 daughters.
8. Stamps are now more expensive than a bottle of heffenreffer, yet da mailman still has a job.
9. Frank White has now moved into the State House, not because of politics but just for "a bit more room"
10. Clap:
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