Can you believe that we are halfway thru another Fantasy Football season? Seems like only yesterday we were dodging falling branches, downed power lines, bodies, and all sorts of other flotsam and jetsam on the way to DaPrez's house for the draft...What a bad idea that was...
At any rate, it's time for me to criticize your teams without any fear of reprisals, as most of you are ill-equipped to retort (be it technical or intellectual). Let's take a look at the teams based on the standings thru 7 weeks and apply a song lyric that fits (a la John Buccigross).
1. finebeverages
Total Points: 958.5 (1)
Coach rating: 6th
Schedule Difficulty: 10th
Passing rank: 4th
Rushing rank: 2nd
Receiving rank: 3rd
DST rank: T11th
Power ranking: 2
"Feelin' alright. Uh huh. I'm not feelin' too good myself." Joe Cocker, Feelin' Alright
A lot of people don't succumb to the allure of Fantasy Football for many reasons. Many want to watch football games objectively. Many think that with outside influence (rooting for players playing against your favorite team) it clouds their support and can have an adverse affect on the outcome of said favorite team's performance. Whatever the reason, they don't get invloved. Fine, to each his own. Personally, I really enjoy it- I enjoy the camaraderie, the trash-talking, the ability to interact with my buddies on a near weekly basis, and the certain things that go on each season like clockwork.
Which brings us to this guy and his annual insulting trade offers. This year, he offered Jahvid Best (and a throwaway wideout) to me for Fred Jackson (and a throwaway wideout). At the time (and even now) Fred was one of the top 2 RBs in the league, so I asked him why I would make such a trade. He responded after Best broke off an 88-yard TD run during a Monday Night game, and he said "THAT'S why you should trade for him!". Apparently, he didn't pay attention to the fact that even with that 88-yard run, Fred Jackson STILL outscored Best that week. Granted, I suck as a GM when it comes to trades, so I admire the effort. But give me a bit more credit.
Mid-year grade: A. Did anyone notice how he brought a "specialist" to the draft with him, and suddenly his team is awesome? Hmm....Better pay the kid, or he'll be pulling a Jed Hoyer and leaving your ass for a better offer to run his own team.
2. Doormats
Total points: 950.5 (2nd)
Coach rating: 1st
Schedule difficulty: 6
Passing rank: 1st (thank you Aaron Rodgers!)
Rushing rank: 4th
Receiving rank: 11th
DST rank: 1st
Power ranking: 1st
"me and Cinderella...put it on together...we can drive it home...with one headlight." Wallflowers, One Headlight
It's really hard to say nasty things about this guy. He is generally well-liked, he's complimentary, and he's had horrible teams up until this season. Well, I say fuck that. Let's tear him a new one.
This guy.....ummm....well...ummm...he's not very tall! Take that for riding the coattails of Rodgers and McFadden! Doesn't matter- he should be able to coast into the playoffs at this point. Just like the 2011 Sox.
Mid-year grade: A. But now Hillis is hurt and the bye weeks are catching up to him.....And Victor Cruz is showing how lousy he really is...
3. Mikey's the big winner
Total points: 919 (4th)
Coach rating: 5th
Schedule difficulty: 5th
Passing rank: 7th
Rushing rank: 3rd
Receiving rank: 1 (can you say "Wes Welker"?)
DST rank: T11th
Power ranking: 3rd
"I'm nerdy to the extreme, whiter than sour cream- I was in A/V club and glee club and even the chess team." Weird Al Yankovic, White 'n Nerdy
Ranking 1st in receiving and 3rd in rushing is a recipe for success! And can you imagine how effective this guy would be at FF if he didn't spend so much time working? Apparently, he is too bsuy coming up with a new Sabre-metric type of softball stat that ties alcohol consumption (and ejaculation frequency) to OPS to go out and get a better DST/Kicker. I'm surprised you haven't found the "Stats" link in the FF website yet, bud. Seems like it would be right up your alley. Unless of course you have invented your own stats, which I'm sure you have. And I'm sure you named the corresponding computer program "Carmine II". And I'm sure it runs on punch cards.
Mid-year grade: B+.
4. The W boys
Total points: 804 (7th)
Coach rating: 11th (this is what happens when you have 2 GMs!!)
Schedule difficulty: 12 (and 4th is the best you can do?)
Passing rank: 5th
Rushing rank: 11th
Receiving rank: 5th
DST rank: 2nd
Power rank: 6th
"Pull the blindfold down, so your eyes can't see. Now run as fast as you can- thru this field of trees." Editors, Smokers Outside the Hospital Doors
It cracks me up that these guys are in 4th place and the only stat in which they rank in the top 33% is DST (which in this metric includes kickers). I guess that early selection of Seabass is paying off for you, huh? News Flash, assholes! RUSHING WINS CHAMPIONSHIPS. Look at all of the previous winners of this league, and tell me what they have in common. And another thing- change your team name so I can list it here in full and don't have to edit it. Damnit! And thank for putting "Tim Tebow" on your "On The Block" page- I'm sure we're all lining up for a guy that went 13 of 27 against Miami (with 2 fumbles). Are you seriously looking to trade him? Seems like a franchise guy! If you said to me, "You can have Tim Tebow or genital warts" I'd take Tebow, but I'd have to think about it. Also, one final note. On the CBS Fantasy page, there was a recently a trade in one of the other leagues on the site that went like this: Tim Tebow, QB, for Chad Henne, QB.
Mid-year grade: B+. Call it what you want, but they are in 4th, and even though they haven't played anyone good yet, they are in fourth. So they get a B+. Yes, i grade on a curve.
5. The Schemers
Total points: 771.5 (10th)
Coach rating: 8th
Schedule difficulty: 11th
Passing rank: 10th
Rushing rank: 9th
Receiving rank: 6th
DST rank: T8th
Power rank: 8th
"I wish i was in the land of cotton..." (traditional) Dixieland
Look at the above numbers again. I'll wait.
Pay particular attention to the "Schedule difficulty" metric. This guy, while currently in 5th, will be pulling a small piece of paper out of a hat in August. No question about it. Bye weeks hurt, but do they hurt enough to start Tashard Choice and his -2? Did "Tashard Choice" even appear on your many pieces of graph paper before the draft? This team is not unlike the Confederate army in the Civil War. Outstanding strategic and tactical leadership, great morale, ran out to a bunch of early victories before their logistical support and supplies ran out, and then- well, we all know what happened. Google "Lost Cause".
Grade: C. Once again, another overacheiver helped by an easy schedule. Sickening.
6. Hey, Hanrahan!
Total points: 920 (3rd)
Coach rating: 7th
Schedule difficulty: 1st (Damn right. Look out for Mud in the 2nd half!)
Passing rank: 6th
Rushing rank: 1st (remind to get Forte and Jackson some Isotoner gloves this Christmas)
Receiving rank: 4th
DST rank: 7th
Power rank: 4th
"Snap my fingers, make you mine- if not, I'll snap a second time. After that I guarantee you will be standing next to me." Jungle Brothers, Because I Got it Like That
Get on the Mud bandwagon! Here is where I make some sort of argument about why I'm better (as usual). But the reality is- I don't have to (and yet I will). Toughest schedule. In a playoff position. Best run game. On 2 seperate occasions I scored the 2nd highest point total of the week and lost. That's how fucking good my team is. Unless you play me on week 8 or week 11, which- well, I'm in trouble this week. Fortunately, A Rodgers is on that Bye week too.We'll see.
Grade: B+. I have 2 of the top 10 TEs in the league, and can only start 1. This is causing me to do a lot of research prior to each week, and I shun hard work, so please make me an offer for Daniels (or "Daniel" if you are the W Boys) or Pettigrew.
7. The Fighting Amish
Total points: 859.5 (5th)
Coach rating: 10th
Schedule difficulty: 2nd
Passing rank: 2nd
Rushing rank: 12th
Receiving rank: 2nd
DST rank: 5th
Power rank: 5th
"You came on your own- that's how you'll leave." Editors, An End has a Start
All of the other owners should be embarassed. This guy phoned in the draft (literally) and only picked like 2 guys on his own, started guys on bye weeks, started guys who were on the Injury report with statuses like "Dead- Out for week 4" and is fighting for a playoff spot? That said, if we were to have an "ownership change", this team would be most likely to move in the middle of the night to the Commish's brother, who is conveniently "learning Fantasy Football in the hopes of getting his own team"....HMMMMMMMMMMMM. I'm not trying to start trouble- just reporting on what it looks like from here.
Grade: A-. I have to say- I don't know how the fuck this guy is doing it. I really don't....Good luck, Mr. Polian. Or Bud Adams. Whichever shoe fits today.
8. A's Avatars
Total points: 777 (9th) (I'd like to see "777" on a slot machine. Who wouldn't?)
Coach rating: 3rd (I'm sorry, I just can't believe that)
Schedule difficulty: 9th
Passing rank: 3rd
Rushing rank: 10th
Receiving rank: 10th
DST rank: T8th
Power rank: T10
"Today, my heart swings." Interpol, The Heinrich Maneuver
Today, my heart does swing. Recently, in week 6, Avatars re-used one of the Avatars from last season. The effect on me was not unlike dropping a cue ball on my nuts from 15 feet. I was crushed. Deep in despair. It made me question everything I know about this man. Is it possible that he has used up all of his soft-core porn Avatars? I'd be lost- a man without a religion, a purpose, a goal, a cause' d'existance. Fortunately, he rebounded in Week 7 with a strong Avatar- an ass-slapping whore who wants it! She CLEARLY wants it.
So, while still somewhat disappointed, I am hopeful that the mine has more gold in it, that the well has not yet run dry. I hope to see my friend and shake his hand (euphemsim). I hope the Pacific is as blue as in my dreams...I hope....
Grade: B+. Great Avatars earn a high grade. His team is horrendous, though.
9. Club Sub Convicts
Total points: 762.5 (11th)
Coach rating: 9th (another 2-headed monster!)
Schedule difficulty: 4th
Passing rank: 8th
Rushing rank: 7th
Receiving rank: 9th
DST rank: 10th
Power rank: T10
"Me and my shadow...Strollin' down the avenue." Sinatra/Davis, Me and My Shadow
So O.V. is learning all about Fantasy Football from the Hit Man/Commish. Think he'll learn things like, "here's how to manipulate the website to move us to 3rd place instead of 10th" and "here's how to change the rules mid-season and hide it from everyone"? Learning from Hit Man? That's like learning how to sign free agents from Theo Epstein (too soon?). I think O.V.'s primary role this season is to get coffee for Hit Man and replace the toilet paper in the V household (a full-time gig, btw). In another note, strollin' down the avenue is underrated.
Grade: D+. You'd think 2 Vs are better than one. Alas, this experiment just ain't workin'.
10. Warriors
Total points: 806.5 (6th)
Coach rating: 5th
Schedule difficulty: 7th
Passing rank: 8th
Rushing rank: 8th
Receiving rank: 7th
DST rank: 6th
Power rank: 7th
"We're fated to pretend...To pretend." MGMT, Time to Pretend
Really, why wouldn't your heart go out to this guy? He's a perpetual also-ran in this league...And I'm sure that deep down this bugs the shit out of him. And this year, he's putting up a good amount of points, enough to perhaps get him close enough to a playoff berth that he can taste it...and yet it remains far away. He says things like "wow, my team sucks ha ha ha", but I think it bothers him more than he lets on...Terminator- It's not your fault. Your team isn't really that bad. And now that the vacation that half of your team was on is over, you should be right back in the thick of it. Oh, wait- 6 guys on bye week 7.....5 guys on bye week 8 and not enough wideouts to make a roster....Eesh...Oh, well...
Grade: C-.
11. DaPrez
Total points: 784.5 (8th)
Coach rating: 12th (Isn't this guy a coach in real life?)
Schedule difficulty: 8th
Passing rank: 12th
Rushing rank: 6th
Receiving rank: 8th
DST rank: 3
Power rank: 9th
"Does anyone know where the faith of God goes when the waves turn the minutes to hours?" Gordon Lightfoot, Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald
You're motherfucking right I quoted a Gordon Lightfoot song. And you're also motherfucking right I quoted a song about a tragic shipwreck. Cuz that's what this team is. And you know something else? They are WHAT WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!!!! And we let 'em off the hook! "Mud, you just quoted Gordon Lightfoot and Dennis Green in the same paragraph!" You can Google it all you want. Mud just made history.
Anyway, I chose that song, and specifically that line (which is one of the most powerful lines in the song) because while you can't compare dying in a shipwreck to a miserable Fantasy Football season, there are some distinct paralells- namely, that you just want it to end. Some question their faith in times like that- others rely on it, and yet others join a flag football league that plays on Sunday mornings because he just isn't out of the house enough.
Grade: F+. One thing we won't be calling this guy at the end of the 2011 Fantasy Football season? "Three-time Club Sub Fantasy Football Champion".
12. The Clapp
Total points: 733 (12th)
Coach rating: 2nd (which means that this team could actually be worse!)
Schedule difficulty: 3rd
Passing rank: 11th (Manning would have helped, huh?)
Rushing rank: 5th
Receiving rank: 12th
DST rank: 4th
Power rank: 12th
"Someone left the cake out in the rain...And I don't think I can take it, cuz it took so long to bake it, and I'll never have that recipe again...." Richard Harris, Macarthur Park
The Clapp is last. And it's fitting, because that's where the clap ranks. Last. Well, except for maybe the Hiv, but there's no one in this league called "The Hiv", so "The Clapp" will have to be last. And God, what a rotten team. This team is so bad that they have a player named "Colt McCoy" in the starting lineup. This team is so bad that it is what DaPrez's team pukes up. This team is so bad.....THEY DO NOT EVEN HAVE AN AVATAR. "No Avatar, no identity" is what i always say.
Grade: I. That's right- "Incomplete". Cuz that's what this team is.
All right lads, there you have it. Good luck the rest of the way, and if you don't like what i have to say, please blow it out your ass.
Peace! Deuces!
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
Wednesday, September 07, 2011
Monday, September 05, 2011
Jarred J. Cornfed III's Eulogy
Jarred J. Cornfed III was born July 14 2011, died September 1, 2011. Eaten September 3, 2011 by Club Sub.
As Shakespeare wrote, We come here today not to praise Jarred, but to eat him. Jarred held many traits in common with Club Sub members. For example, as he grew older, he began to date, but with little success. Much like Club Sub members, most dates would end with the phrase-“get out of my car you dirty pig”. Furthermore, as a child, Jarred wasn’t a student of any particular di STINK tion, and when it came to attention, he would never HOG the spotlight. As his brothers grew up, they were lavished with praise as they left home for “college”, Jarred was a bit skeptical, but he didn’t complain, he was SWINE with that. Today Jarred can clearly see that his skepticism was well founded, as there was no college. Jarred, you see, unfortunately, got PORKED. And for that we are sorry, yet thankful, and so we thank you Jarred, and we thank God.
Amen.
Drunken Presidential Address at Aporkalypse Now
1. Well, here we are at age 40, when many men start to enter a mid life crisis. In club sub we've noticed that 40 has hit our members in a variety of ways. For example, approaching age 40, The Rat took it too far athletically and tragically had to be taken away in an ambulance. After suffering a night of intense pain and suffering, the paramedic induced a coma... on himself so he didn't have to listen to any more Ward stories.
2. Speaking of Wards, occasionally a midlife crisis involves a divorce, So I know you'll all join me in a warm and kindhearted message by repeating after me: FUCK Jen Ward!!!
3. Moving on to other members, The Hitman for example suffered his mid life crisis at age 20....., when he decided to drive cross country to Montana State. He returned with a new friend, ala perfect strangers, a steroid laden Balki Bartakamous. But that wasn't enough, so they moved in together, and hilarity ensued. Enter Hitman's future wife, law and order and domestication immediately doubles Hitman's life expectancy, enabling him to now enjoy a second midlife crisis.
4. Speaking of the Hitman, there is one member who couldn't be here tonight because he's in Florida, leaving a trail of aqua velva, broken hips and broken hearts. I don't want to say he's getting lucky, but get ready for a not so little brother Hitman and DV.
5. Speaking of DV, what a great member he has, ......become.
6. Speaking of coming, who thought The Beerman would be here today?
7. Now a common symptom of a midlife crisis is when a man constantly brags about the size of his.... dog. Of course we're talking about the Terminator.
2. Speaking of Wards, occasionally a midlife crisis involves a divorce, So I know you'll all join me in a warm and kindhearted message by repeating after me: FUCK Jen Ward!!!
3. Moving on to other members, The Hitman for example suffered his mid life crisis at age 20....., when he decided to drive cross country to Montana State. He returned with a new friend, ala perfect strangers, a steroid laden Balki Bartakamous. But that wasn't enough, so they moved in together, and hilarity ensued. Enter Hitman's future wife, law and order and domestication immediately doubles Hitman's life expectancy, enabling him to now enjoy a second midlife crisis.
4. Speaking of the Hitman, there is one member who couldn't be here tonight because he's in Florida, leaving a trail of aqua velva, broken hips and broken hearts. I don't want to say he's getting lucky, but get ready for a not so little brother Hitman and DV.
5. Speaking of DV, what a great member he has, ......become.
6. Speaking of coming, who thought The Beerman would be here today?
7. Now a common symptom of a midlife crisis is when a man constantly brags about the size of his.... dog. Of course we're talking about the Terminator.
8. Speaking of terminations, how do you get fired from a volunteer job, Big Sloppy?
9. Now often womanizing is a sign of a midlife crisis. Luckily all women, especially u in the crowd, are turned off by club sub members. Except of course The Scheemer, cmon we know that many of you married ladies secretly have him listed as your "hall pass".
10. Speaking of passing, Clap recently passed ......a kidney stone stone without saying a word.
11. Speaking of words,I thought of consulting Tilt on this speech,as he is our resident English teacher. But he was too busy to help out, which is ironic because that's the same thing said about his basketball team's defense.
12. Speaking of defense, Club sub has a potential legal matter. It seems that Jenny Craig has hired a lawyer to prosecute Mud for his offensive eating. Now don't worry, Mud has counter sued, citing his writ of fateus corpus.
13. Speaking of corpses, Father M, I have a question. Is it really part of the last rights when u say Dominus obiscus, whose got the biscuits?
14. Now, many members in midlife look to just for men or grecian formula to keep their youthful appearance. Then you have Cloot, who clearly has not. Hey Cloot, do cuffs and collar match?
9. Now often womanizing is a sign of a midlife crisis. Luckily all women, especially u in the crowd, are turned off by club sub members. Except of course The Scheemer, cmon we know that many of you married ladies secretly have him listed as your "hall pass".
10. Speaking of passing, Clap recently passed ......a kidney stone stone without saying a word.
11. Speaking of words,I thought of consulting Tilt on this speech,as he is our resident English teacher. But he was too busy to help out, which is ironic because that's the same thing said about his basketball team's defense.
12. Speaking of defense, Club sub has a potential legal matter. It seems that Jenny Craig has hired a lawyer to prosecute Mud for his offensive eating. Now don't worry, Mud has counter sued, citing his writ of fateus corpus.
13. Speaking of corpses, Father M, I have a question. Is it really part of the last rights when u say Dominus obiscus, whose got the biscuits?
14. Now, many members in midlife look to just for men or grecian formula to keep their youthful appearance. Then you have Cloot, who clearly has not. Hey Cloot, do cuffs and collar match?
15. Now in midlife some people change their economic situation, and then there is Frank White who is just as cheap as ever. We don't want to say that Frank White is tough with a dollar, but his whole friendship with us including this party is just a huge write off on his taxes, much like his family by the way.
16. Also its good to see the Irish are represented with Irish Brian here tonight. Now at least when someone starts a fight, breaks a bottle, and attacks a cop, its only a 50 percent chance we're bailing HRD out. BTW HRD, did u hear they are going to lay off 120,000 rhesus monkeys... I mean postal workers, this year. Who the heck will be there to not deliver your unemployment check?
17. Now, while on the Irish, our newest member Diggs has acted with calmness, courtesy and respect..... he should know that this behavior will not be tolerated, and if u keep this up, all the dirt in Yankee stadium won't save you.
18. Speaking of dirt, while many members work to make RI a better place, Big Daddy works to enable marijuana induced drivers on our roads legally, where they can easily hit our illegally driven drunk cars. Keep up the good work Big Daddy.
19. Speaking of drunk cars, the Club Sub presidential motorcade has decided on route 246 tonight, so I suggest everyone else drive safely on route 146.
16. Also its good to see the Irish are represented with Irish Brian here tonight. Now at least when someone starts a fight, breaks a bottle, and attacks a cop, its only a 50 percent chance we're bailing HRD out. BTW HRD, did u hear they are going to lay off 120,000 rhesus monkeys... I mean postal workers, this year. Who the heck will be there to not deliver your unemployment check?
17. Now, while on the Irish, our newest member Diggs has acted with calmness, courtesy and respect..... he should know that this behavior will not be tolerated, and if u keep this up, all the dirt in Yankee stadium won't save you.
18. Speaking of dirt, while many members work to make RI a better place, Big Daddy works to enable marijuana induced drivers on our roads legally, where they can easily hit our illegally driven drunk cars. Keep up the good work Big Daddy.
19. Speaking of drunk cars, the Club Sub presidential motorcade has decided on route 246 tonight, so I suggest everyone else drive safely on route 146.
20. With that, we'll see u at 50. Happy Birthday!
Sunday, September 04, 2011
Monday, August 22, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Rare action Pics of Club Sub Special Ops "Veal Team Six"
Details have surfaced regarding the low profile training session in the desert that the 7 man special ops club sub team recently completed.
The Veal Team Six trained at The Gun Store recently. News cameras were not allowed inside but the noises heard outside the doors were something special. A few employees told us that The Veal Team Six fired several rounds from various high powered weapons. "Most members are very skilled at firing warning shots." "A few skillfully hit their target once or twice." "One member was told many times to use his open eye." One employee told us. The training session was very quick as they seemed really hungry. As you can see, targets rarely hit, but the scare tactic was there.
The Veal Team Six trained at The Gun Store recently. News cameras were not allowed inside but the noises heard outside the doors were something special. A few employees told us that The Veal Team Six fired several rounds from various high powered weapons. "Most members are very skilled at firing warning shots." "A few skillfully hit their target once or twice." "One member was told many times to use his open eye." One employee told us. The training session was very quick as they seemed really hungry. As you can see, targets rarely hit, but the scare tactic was there.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Club Sub Eats out Vegas (no women were harmed)
Mirrored after the classic Nick Cage Movie, “Leaving Las Vegas”, Club sub attempted its own tribute called “Eating Las Vegas”. In fact, after sending in 6 members on a trial run, 6 more elite special service members, called “Veal Team Six” were summoned to rescue the first six. Alas they also just stayed and ate as well. Also the following statement was redacted by the US government:
Club Sub Members, having been married for so long, they almost never get to ----- any more on their own, as such they were determined to see the must luscious ----- they could find, and then ----- the shit out of it. They were determined to find ----- of all shapes, sizes and origins of it , and ---- it primarily with their fingers and tongues. When one could finally ----- no more, they would occasionally smoke a cigar, grow tired of ----- , and take a nap.
Wiki leaks says that despite the innuendo of the above statement, the missing words were always: “eat” followed by “food”.
Below lies a chronology of events, listed by food type.
Steakday (Monday): sub members arrive at the airport, likely having eaten both breakfast and lunch at home, yet they all seem famished as they charge the airport Chilis. In a meal that would later cost the price of one steak dinner, 50 potatoes are consumed and families with small children are horrified by the food carnage and tasteless stories. On board, Sub members attempted various ways of passing the time, from sleeping, to drinking, to reading, to telling stories to strangers, and to poking stewardesses, aka flight attendants. Big Sloppy, it now apparent having never flown before or dealt with a woman, became known by the staff as “Pokey” for his penchant to poke a stewardess with his finger when asking for his 7th round of Vanilla Wafers. Apparently “you’ve eaten them all” doesn’t qualify for a “no”. Sloppy: remember, in both food and women in your dorm room: No means No. In a positive outcome, Sloppy was renamed “PokerJack”, and received a nice tribute on the airplane loudspeaker. Upon arriving in Vegas, Sub was welcomed celebrity style with a “Welcome Club Sub” sign and large limousine, courtesy very nicely of Jack Daniels. Upon then imbibing a shot of Jack Daniels, members were off to a 2 hour ride down the strip to see the sites and buy some liquor. It was at this time the official shirts of the trip were introduced, to much amusement. The team then bought 3400 cans of miller lite, hoping it would last until Tuesday. Cost was 18.50 per person. Rap music was played for everyone’s entertainment but apparently a cassette tape was required as the distortion was as bad as our later dreams would be. Arrival at the Luxor seemed innocent enough, until the “Luxor Surprise” happened and Jack Kerouac want the first contest of “first member to have a conflict with a non member”. First the Luxor charged each room a “luxury fee” of 60 dollars, which if you look up, luxor comes from the word luxury which comes from the Greek word “to rape”. Upon then learning that no upgrades were available, Kerouac put his 5 dollar bribe away and demanded that we all be given rooms on the same floor. Rebuffed, he uttered the famous: “how about Mandalay, I’ll bet they have rooms for us, maybe I’ll take my business there.” Unfortunately he forgot that Mandalay and Luxor, being owned by the same conglomerate, couldn’t care less which we stayed at. Bargaining power thus diminished, we moved on. Rooms were ok though some members, preferring sub arctic temperatures, were disappointed in the AC systems which was critical as they spent at least 1 hour per day in the room. That night the boys hosted their first “daily drinks” and began to live the luxury life they had all planned, yup, J walker Blue, X0 Congac, Cubans, and bags of potato chips on the bed. Toasts complete we headed for Circus Circus's hotel ripped to shreds housing nothing but poor people with too many kids, aka, what America will look like if Obama wins 4 more years. But in this desert there was an oasis, “The Steakhouse”. After peppering the bartender, Classy Freddy Blassie, with some questions, we sat down to eat, and all began to ask the same question-would this be the first meal that hijack and lojack asked for separate checks. Thankfully it was not. Delicious meal completed, we embarked on cigar smoking and yelling at people to take their kids home. Some returned to the bar, some played poker, some gambled. Soon enough, day 2 would be here.
Buffet Day (Tuesday): 4 hours later, day 2 was here as many members began walking the casinos halls at 6 am like zombies. Having no daily events planned, this day is quite a blur until sundown. Glasses were again raised for toasts, the Rio Buffet beckoned. Oh but if we had not heard its siren call. For it was not worthy of the weeks worth of food. Following the “Clump” family in, our hopes were high. But alas, watery shrimp, salty meat and crab legs made of plastic made for Jack Benny to limit himself to just 9 trips. Additionally the first member injured occurred here as lo jack chipped a tooth on an egg that had a bone in it. And here I went all this time on earth not thinking eggs had bones in them. Much better was the “Rat Pack is back” show immediately following. A fantastic show worth watching, it again highlighted how we were all born in the wrong era. Duly impressed and depressed, we made our way back for more drinking, gambling and non sleeping.
Brazil day (Wed): Wed brought forth our first experience with the Luxor pool. Having acquired (we literally bought the cabana for the year at the price we paid) a cabana worthy of King Tut, we proceeded to take the pool area over. Sunburn, drinking, music, smoking, homo erotic poolfootball, this day had it all. As Jack Benny said, in the line of the day: “this is my element!” Pool football was the first event to see injuries, in this case all twelve members cutting their toes, and Klompis needing nearly to be rescued by the lifeguard, in 3 feet of water, as both his calves seized up simultaneously while trying to catch a football and drink at the same time. The spectacle of 6 on 6 pool football led to a number of comments by passerbies. Some overheard were: “what are they doing”, “its ok they’re special”, “are some of them real football players”, “is that ball so small or are they so big” “do they know how gay they look?” Duly injured and tired, the teams began toasts once again, and this time moved on to Texas De Brazil for what can only be described as an orgy of meat on a stick. The meat was just too much, leaving many members in states of despair and anguish. This was heightened, when upon our departure, the “the thunder from down under show” challenged us to a pool football game. Members were so full at this point that many just returned home for the comfort of their own toilet. And thus began, the meat inspired hallucinations. Both Klompis and Benny had what can only be described as Jim Morrison type revelations while they slept. Klompis awoke believing that Jack the Ripper had been out all night, and returned by “security” who then stood outside the door to prevent him from leaving. Jack Benny hallucinated that his stomach ate the rest of his body, yet he was still hungry. Both Jacks found each other wondering around the casino at 6am in what can only be described as a Brazilian un waxed meat induced haze.
Palms Steak day (Thursday): Thursday represented the first split in the organization of any substance, as 7/12 of the group went to shoot guns and 5/12 went to play poker. The gunfiring was highlighted by the first warning shots ever fired at a range, as The Ripper missed his target with all five shots, to the dismay of his gun handler. Kerouac and Hi jack both rented guns whose power can only be replicated on the streets of South Central, the boom was louder than the gas that comes out of President Jack. Many members exited the gunstore feeling like they were finally “men” and wanting to punch kick or tackle something. Alas pool football was over. The other group migrated to Binions for poker tournaments and returned with the famed In and Out burger, so named because it might come out of you before you leave the restaurant. Upon merging the groups, they returned to the cabana, this one purchased at a more reasonable rate by the newly trained negotiator Jack Benny. The pool cabana on day 2 was a bit less spirited than day 1, though it did uncover who the most sunburnt on the trip was, as Jack benny’s burnt orange body narrowly beat on the Ripper’s burnt scalp. The Cabana day ended with Kerouac arriving just as everyone left. Kerouac, cumulatively won the award for “missing the longest” given days of time unaccounted for. The end of Thursday led to another split, this time as some members followed Lumberjack to the NY NY rollercoaster. It seems lumberjack, so strong and intimidating, is yet somehow fearful of spiraling 300 miles an hour upside down in a steel tramp maintained by a high school drop out. Go figure. Club Sub then met up for drinks and toasts and then on to the Palms, specifically the 9 steakhouse. And what an epic steakhouse it was. In a week of great eats, this was the best dinner many of us have ever had. In a sense it was our last supper, and what a perfect ending, as we even had a Judas incident, over gnocchi of course. But first, the dinner began with Kerouac purchasing so many Patron shots that the stock price actually went up that night. This led to the start of an epic dinner, begun with an assortment of lobster bisques (where the bisque?), onion and other soups, as well as some excellent rock shrimp. There was then some debate about how many lobster mashed potatoes to order. Clearly 100 was the right answer but we settled for less than 1 per person. This led to the biggest intra sub feud and also intra brother feud, otherwise known as the “The Great Gnocchi Incident”. In deconstructing the incident, it appears that Hijack ordered a side of gnocchi which he had no intent on sharing. We hasten to add, the gnocchi was in addition to the enourmous meal he and we all ordered, so it is not as if the gnocchi were his only food option, which makes the events all the more humorous. Lojack, being the gentleman he is, passed Hijack’s gnocchi plate around the table, where it was met by ravenous forks and “oohs and ahs”. Hijack, seeing his side dish dwindle like liquor at Lindsey Lohan’s house, went on a tirade which was both humorous, uncomfortable, and unfathomable. Once can only imagine that it likely was spurred by 40 years of brotherly resentment, as the fight included lines like: “Mom told me she liked me better”, and “oh yeah, well Dad actually talked to me once”. The steaks were outstanding, and followed by dessert. A genius idea, to put a flaming fire filled with marshmallows in front of a group of drunks. The members then spent time lighting their marshmellow sticks on fire like 4 year olds. Is intrigued some neighboring Asians who sent over an interesting desert from their table for us to try, perhaps they had seen us playing pool football. Anyway around this time the exec chef, an ally of Club Sub, gave Sub the full Goodfellas tour, including thru the kitchen (as you were) and to “the door”. A monstrous sized doors signed by both celebrities, athletes, and Too Short. Perhaps the best signature was Johnny Bench: #1 eater. Well Club Sub has something to say about that. Alas they would not allow us to sign, even though we picked our spot out: right over Kobe’s signature. (Perfect time for Jack benny’s Jeopardy line from Sean Connery: “I’ll take the Rapist for 500”). We were then given additional exclusive access to the Hotel’s “Playboy club”, which can only be described as Satan’s Lair. Panoramic views of the city were quickly ignored due to the Biggy Smalls music, drinking, blackjack dealers in bunny outfits, and overall mayhem that was ensuing before our eyes. You know it’s a good place when signs say “No nudity, and only 1 person per bathroom stall”. As amazing as this place was, we tired quickly of it, being roughly 2x everyone’s age in the place. Members returned to hotel, intent on pulling an all nighter, but plans were made to attend the Hash house a go go the next morning. Apparently things got a bit out of hand this night as Kerouac turned over a blackjack table after betting his plane ticket on it. However once they realized he was out of money they returned his plane ticket.
Friday: Hash House day
Friday’s attendees for breakfast dwindled quickly due to no one waking up on time. Four members attended and it was as advertised, a pancake the size of a car tire, a waffle house the size of the Ripper’s apartment. Full of food, we left for the airport, except we didn’t because the shuttle didn’t show up. When it did, a driver with no vocal cards helped us out. He represents Benny’s future if he keeps smoking. Lunch at the airport brought on any number of “hey hijack, can you share those chicken fingers with us” jokes. And then we were off, back to our regular lives as above average husbands, fathers, lovers, and drinkers. Well one out of four ain’t bad. But don’t be sad, we’ll all be back in one year, or at least 10. See you then.
Club Sub Members, having been married for so long, they almost never get to ----- any more on their own, as such they were determined to see the must luscious ----- they could find, and then ----- the shit out of it. They were determined to find ----- of all shapes, sizes and origins of it , and ---- it primarily with their fingers and tongues. When one could finally ----- no more, they would occasionally smoke a cigar, grow tired of ----- , and take a nap.
Wiki leaks says that despite the innuendo of the above statement, the missing words were always: “eat” followed by “food”.
Below lies a chronology of events, listed by food type.
Steakday (Monday): sub members arrive at the airport, likely having eaten both breakfast and lunch at home, yet they all seem famished as they charge the airport Chilis. In a meal that would later cost the price of one steak dinner, 50 potatoes are consumed and families with small children are horrified by the food carnage and tasteless stories. On board, Sub members attempted various ways of passing the time, from sleeping, to drinking, to reading, to telling stories to strangers, and to poking stewardesses, aka flight attendants. Big Sloppy, it now apparent having never flown before or dealt with a woman, became known by the staff as “Pokey” for his penchant to poke a stewardess with his finger when asking for his 7th round of Vanilla Wafers. Apparently “you’ve eaten them all” doesn’t qualify for a “no”. Sloppy: remember, in both food and women in your dorm room: No means No. In a positive outcome, Sloppy was renamed “PokerJack”, and received a nice tribute on the airplane loudspeaker. Upon arriving in Vegas, Sub was welcomed celebrity style with a “Welcome Club Sub” sign and large limousine, courtesy very nicely of Jack Daniels. Upon then imbibing a shot of Jack Daniels, members were off to a 2 hour ride down the strip to see the sites and buy some liquor. It was at this time the official shirts of the trip were introduced, to much amusement. The team then bought 3400 cans of miller lite, hoping it would last until Tuesday. Cost was 18.50 per person. Rap music was played for everyone’s entertainment but apparently a cassette tape was required as the distortion was as bad as our later dreams would be. Arrival at the Luxor seemed innocent enough, until the “Luxor Surprise” happened and Jack Kerouac want the first contest of “first member to have a conflict with a non member”. First the Luxor charged each room a “luxury fee” of 60 dollars, which if you look up, luxor comes from the word luxury which comes from the Greek word “to rape”. Upon then learning that no upgrades were available, Kerouac put his 5 dollar bribe away and demanded that we all be given rooms on the same floor. Rebuffed, he uttered the famous: “how about Mandalay, I’ll bet they have rooms for us, maybe I’ll take my business there.” Unfortunately he forgot that Mandalay and Luxor, being owned by the same conglomerate, couldn’t care less which we stayed at. Bargaining power thus diminished, we moved on. Rooms were ok though some members, preferring sub arctic temperatures, were disappointed in the AC systems which was critical as they spent at least 1 hour per day in the room. That night the boys hosted their first “daily drinks” and began to live the luxury life they had all planned, yup, J walker Blue, X0 Congac, Cubans, and bags of potato chips on the bed. Toasts complete we headed for Circus Circus's hotel ripped to shreds housing nothing but poor people with too many kids, aka, what America will look like if Obama wins 4 more years. But in this desert there was an oasis, “The Steakhouse”. After peppering the bartender, Classy Freddy Blassie, with some questions, we sat down to eat, and all began to ask the same question-would this be the first meal that hijack and lojack asked for separate checks. Thankfully it was not. Delicious meal completed, we embarked on cigar smoking and yelling at people to take their kids home. Some returned to the bar, some played poker, some gambled. Soon enough, day 2 would be here.
Buffet Day (Tuesday): 4 hours later, day 2 was here as many members began walking the casinos halls at 6 am like zombies. Having no daily events planned, this day is quite a blur until sundown. Glasses were again raised for toasts, the Rio Buffet beckoned. Oh but if we had not heard its siren call. For it was not worthy of the weeks worth of food. Following the “Clump” family in, our hopes were high. But alas, watery shrimp, salty meat and crab legs made of plastic made for Jack Benny to limit himself to just 9 trips. Additionally the first member injured occurred here as lo jack chipped a tooth on an egg that had a bone in it. And here I went all this time on earth not thinking eggs had bones in them. Much better was the “Rat Pack is back” show immediately following. A fantastic show worth watching, it again highlighted how we were all born in the wrong era. Duly impressed and depressed, we made our way back for more drinking, gambling and non sleeping.
Brazil day (Wed): Wed brought forth our first experience with the Luxor pool. Having acquired (we literally bought the cabana for the year at the price we paid) a cabana worthy of King Tut, we proceeded to take the pool area over. Sunburn, drinking, music, smoking, homo erotic poolfootball, this day had it all. As Jack Benny said, in the line of the day: “this is my element!” Pool football was the first event to see injuries, in this case all twelve members cutting their toes, and Klompis needing nearly to be rescued by the lifeguard, in 3 feet of water, as both his calves seized up simultaneously while trying to catch a football and drink at the same time. The spectacle of 6 on 6 pool football led to a number of comments by passerbies. Some overheard were: “what are they doing”, “its ok they’re special”, “are some of them real football players”, “is that ball so small or are they so big” “do they know how gay they look?” Duly injured and tired, the teams began toasts once again, and this time moved on to Texas De Brazil for what can only be described as an orgy of meat on a stick. The meat was just too much, leaving many members in states of despair and anguish. This was heightened, when upon our departure, the “the thunder from down under show” challenged us to a pool football game. Members were so full at this point that many just returned home for the comfort of their own toilet. And thus began, the meat inspired hallucinations. Both Klompis and Benny had what can only be described as Jim Morrison type revelations while they slept. Klompis awoke believing that Jack the Ripper had been out all night, and returned by “security” who then stood outside the door to prevent him from leaving. Jack Benny hallucinated that his stomach ate the rest of his body, yet he was still hungry. Both Jacks found each other wondering around the casino at 6am in what can only be described as a Brazilian un waxed meat induced haze.
Palms Steak day (Thursday): Thursday represented the first split in the organization of any substance, as 7/12 of the group went to shoot guns and 5/12 went to play poker. The gunfiring was highlighted by the first warning shots ever fired at a range, as The Ripper missed his target with all five shots, to the dismay of his gun handler. Kerouac and Hi jack both rented guns whose power can only be replicated on the streets of South Central, the boom was louder than the gas that comes out of President Jack. Many members exited the gunstore feeling like they were finally “men” and wanting to punch kick or tackle something. Alas pool football was over. The other group migrated to Binions for poker tournaments and returned with the famed In and Out burger, so named because it might come out of you before you leave the restaurant. Upon merging the groups, they returned to the cabana, this one purchased at a more reasonable rate by the newly trained negotiator Jack Benny. The pool cabana on day 2 was a bit less spirited than day 1, though it did uncover who the most sunburnt on the trip was, as Jack benny’s burnt orange body narrowly beat on the Ripper’s burnt scalp. The Cabana day ended with Kerouac arriving just as everyone left. Kerouac, cumulatively won the award for “missing the longest” given days of time unaccounted for. The end of Thursday led to another split, this time as some members followed Lumberjack to the NY NY rollercoaster. It seems lumberjack, so strong and intimidating, is yet somehow fearful of spiraling 300 miles an hour upside down in a steel tramp maintained by a high school drop out. Go figure. Club Sub then met up for drinks and toasts and then on to the Palms, specifically the 9 steakhouse. And what an epic steakhouse it was. In a week of great eats, this was the best dinner many of us have ever had. In a sense it was our last supper, and what a perfect ending, as we even had a Judas incident, over gnocchi of course. But first, the dinner began with Kerouac purchasing so many Patron shots that the stock price actually went up that night. This led to the start of an epic dinner, begun with an assortment of lobster bisques (where the bisque?), onion and other soups, as well as some excellent rock shrimp. There was then some debate about how many lobster mashed potatoes to order. Clearly 100 was the right answer but we settled for less than 1 per person. This led to the biggest intra sub feud and also intra brother feud, otherwise known as the “The Great Gnocchi Incident”. In deconstructing the incident, it appears that Hijack ordered a side of gnocchi which he had no intent on sharing. We hasten to add, the gnocchi was in addition to the enourmous meal he and we all ordered, so it is not as if the gnocchi were his only food option, which makes the events all the more humorous. Lojack, being the gentleman he is, passed Hijack’s gnocchi plate around the table, where it was met by ravenous forks and “oohs and ahs”. Hijack, seeing his side dish dwindle like liquor at Lindsey Lohan’s house, went on a tirade which was both humorous, uncomfortable, and unfathomable. Once can only imagine that it likely was spurred by 40 years of brotherly resentment, as the fight included lines like: “Mom told me she liked me better”, and “oh yeah, well Dad actually talked to me once”. The steaks were outstanding, and followed by dessert. A genius idea, to put a flaming fire filled with marshmallows in front of a group of drunks. The members then spent time lighting their marshmellow sticks on fire like 4 year olds. Is intrigued some neighboring Asians who sent over an interesting desert from their table for us to try, perhaps they had seen us playing pool football. Anyway around this time the exec chef, an ally of Club Sub, gave Sub the full Goodfellas tour, including thru the kitchen (as you were) and to “the door”. A monstrous sized doors signed by both celebrities, athletes, and Too Short. Perhaps the best signature was Johnny Bench: #1 eater. Well Club Sub has something to say about that. Alas they would not allow us to sign, even though we picked our spot out: right over Kobe’s signature. (Perfect time for Jack benny’s Jeopardy line from Sean Connery: “I’ll take the Rapist for 500”). We were then given additional exclusive access to the Hotel’s “Playboy club”, which can only be described as Satan’s Lair. Panoramic views of the city were quickly ignored due to the Biggy Smalls music, drinking, blackjack dealers in bunny outfits, and overall mayhem that was ensuing before our eyes. You know it’s a good place when signs say “No nudity, and only 1 person per bathroom stall”. As amazing as this place was, we tired quickly of it, being roughly 2x everyone’s age in the place. Members returned to hotel, intent on pulling an all nighter, but plans were made to attend the Hash house a go go the next morning. Apparently things got a bit out of hand this night as Kerouac turned over a blackjack table after betting his plane ticket on it. However once they realized he was out of money they returned his plane ticket.
Friday: Hash House day
Friday’s attendees for breakfast dwindled quickly due to no one waking up on time. Four members attended and it was as advertised, a pancake the size of a car tire, a waffle house the size of the Ripper’s apartment. Full of food, we left for the airport, except we didn’t because the shuttle didn’t show up. When it did, a driver with no vocal cards helped us out. He represents Benny’s future if he keeps smoking. Lunch at the airport brought on any number of “hey hijack, can you share those chicken fingers with us” jokes. And then we were off, back to our regular lives as above average husbands, fathers, lovers, and drinkers. Well one out of four ain’t bad. But don’t be sad, we’ll all be back in one year, or at least 10. See you then.
Club Sub Nicknames for Vegas
Club Sub Nicknames for Vegas (Failure to call member by Jack name resulted in free drink for said Jack)
DaPrez = Jack Kennedy
Frank White = Jack Klompis
Schemer = Jack The Ripper
Hitman = Jack in the Box
Terminator = Lumberjack
Tilt = Jack Kerouac
Mud = Jack Benny
That Guy = Hi Jack
The Rat = Lo Jack
Clap = Jack Sparrow
Big Sloppy = Poker Jack
DV = Jack Daniels
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Vegas drinking in V.I.P. Style
Sunday, April 03, 2011
Sunday, March 06, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
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