Jarred J. Cornfed III was born July 14 2011, died September 1, 2011. Eaten September 3, 2011 by Club Sub.
As Shakespeare wrote, We come here today not to praise Jarred, but to eat him. Jarred held many traits in common with Club Sub members. For example, as he grew older, he began to date, but with little success. Much like Club Sub members, most dates would end with the phrase-“get out of my car you dirty pig”. Furthermore, as a child, Jarred wasn’t a student of any particular di STINK tion, and when it came to attention, he would never HOG the spotlight. As his brothers grew up, they were lavished with praise as they left home for “college”, Jarred was a bit skeptical, but he didn’t complain, he was SWINE with that. Today Jarred can clearly see that his skepticism was well founded, as there was no college. Jarred, you see, unfortunately, got PORKED. And for that we are sorry, yet thankful, and so we thank you Jarred, and we thank God.
Amen.
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