Sunday, September 25, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
Wednesday, September 07, 2011
Monday, September 05, 2011
Jarred J. Cornfed III's Eulogy
Jarred J. Cornfed III was born July 14 2011, died September 1, 2011. Eaten September 3, 2011 by Club Sub.
As Shakespeare wrote, We come here today not to praise Jarred, but to eat him. Jarred held many traits in common with Club Sub members. For example, as he grew older, he began to date, but with little success. Much like Club Sub members, most dates would end with the phrase-“get out of my car you dirty pig”. Furthermore, as a child, Jarred wasn’t a student of any particular di STINK tion, and when it came to attention, he would never HOG the spotlight. As his brothers grew up, they were lavished with praise as they left home for “college”, Jarred was a bit skeptical, but he didn’t complain, he was SWINE with that. Today Jarred can clearly see that his skepticism was well founded, as there was no college. Jarred, you see, unfortunately, got PORKED. And for that we are sorry, yet thankful, and so we thank you Jarred, and we thank God.
Amen.
Drunken Presidential Address at Aporkalypse Now
1. Well, here we are at age 40, when many men start to enter a mid life crisis. In club sub we've noticed that 40 has hit our members in a variety of ways. For example, approaching age 40, The Rat took it too far athletically and tragically had to be taken away in an ambulance. After suffering a night of intense pain and suffering, the paramedic induced a coma... on himself so he didn't have to listen to any more Ward stories.
2. Speaking of Wards, occasionally a midlife crisis involves a divorce, So I know you'll all join me in a warm and kindhearted message by repeating after me: FUCK Jen Ward!!!
3. Moving on to other members, The Hitman for example suffered his mid life crisis at age 20....., when he decided to drive cross country to Montana State. He returned with a new friend, ala perfect strangers, a steroid laden Balki Bartakamous. But that wasn't enough, so they moved in together, and hilarity ensued. Enter Hitman's future wife, law and order and domestication immediately doubles Hitman's life expectancy, enabling him to now enjoy a second midlife crisis.
4. Speaking of the Hitman, there is one member who couldn't be here tonight because he's in Florida, leaving a trail of aqua velva, broken hips and broken hearts. I don't want to say he's getting lucky, but get ready for a not so little brother Hitman and DV.
5. Speaking of DV, what a great member he has, ......become.
6. Speaking of coming, who thought The Beerman would be here today?
7. Now a common symptom of a midlife crisis is when a man constantly brags about the size of his.... dog. Of course we're talking about the Terminator.
2. Speaking of Wards, occasionally a midlife crisis involves a divorce, So I know you'll all join me in a warm and kindhearted message by repeating after me: FUCK Jen Ward!!!
3. Moving on to other members, The Hitman for example suffered his mid life crisis at age 20....., when he decided to drive cross country to Montana State. He returned with a new friend, ala perfect strangers, a steroid laden Balki Bartakamous. But that wasn't enough, so they moved in together, and hilarity ensued. Enter Hitman's future wife, law and order and domestication immediately doubles Hitman's life expectancy, enabling him to now enjoy a second midlife crisis.
4. Speaking of the Hitman, there is one member who couldn't be here tonight because he's in Florida, leaving a trail of aqua velva, broken hips and broken hearts. I don't want to say he's getting lucky, but get ready for a not so little brother Hitman and DV.
5. Speaking of DV, what a great member he has, ......become.
6. Speaking of coming, who thought The Beerman would be here today?
7. Now a common symptom of a midlife crisis is when a man constantly brags about the size of his.... dog. Of course we're talking about the Terminator.
8. Speaking of terminations, how do you get fired from a volunteer job, Big Sloppy?
9. Now often womanizing is a sign of a midlife crisis. Luckily all women, especially u in the crowd, are turned off by club sub members. Except of course The Scheemer, cmon we know that many of you married ladies secretly have him listed as your "hall pass".
10. Speaking of passing, Clap recently passed ......a kidney stone stone without saying a word.
11. Speaking of words,I thought of consulting Tilt on this speech,as he is our resident English teacher. But he was too busy to help out, which is ironic because that's the same thing said about his basketball team's defense.
12. Speaking of defense, Club sub has a potential legal matter. It seems that Jenny Craig has hired a lawyer to prosecute Mud for his offensive eating. Now don't worry, Mud has counter sued, citing his writ of fateus corpus.
13. Speaking of corpses, Father M, I have a question. Is it really part of the last rights when u say Dominus obiscus, whose got the biscuits?
14. Now, many members in midlife look to just for men or grecian formula to keep their youthful appearance. Then you have Cloot, who clearly has not. Hey Cloot, do cuffs and collar match?
9. Now often womanizing is a sign of a midlife crisis. Luckily all women, especially u in the crowd, are turned off by club sub members. Except of course The Scheemer, cmon we know that many of you married ladies secretly have him listed as your "hall pass".
10. Speaking of passing, Clap recently passed ......a kidney stone stone without saying a word.
11. Speaking of words,I thought of consulting Tilt on this speech,as he is our resident English teacher. But he was too busy to help out, which is ironic because that's the same thing said about his basketball team's defense.
12. Speaking of defense, Club sub has a potential legal matter. It seems that Jenny Craig has hired a lawyer to prosecute Mud for his offensive eating. Now don't worry, Mud has counter sued, citing his writ of fateus corpus.
13. Speaking of corpses, Father M, I have a question. Is it really part of the last rights when u say Dominus obiscus, whose got the biscuits?
14. Now, many members in midlife look to just for men or grecian formula to keep their youthful appearance. Then you have Cloot, who clearly has not. Hey Cloot, do cuffs and collar match?
15. Now in midlife some people change their economic situation, and then there is Frank White who is just as cheap as ever. We don't want to say that Frank White is tough with a dollar, but his whole friendship with us including this party is just a huge write off on his taxes, much like his family by the way.
16. Also its good to see the Irish are represented with Irish Brian here tonight. Now at least when someone starts a fight, breaks a bottle, and attacks a cop, its only a 50 percent chance we're bailing HRD out. BTW HRD, did u hear they are going to lay off 120,000 rhesus monkeys... I mean postal workers, this year. Who the heck will be there to not deliver your unemployment check?
17. Now, while on the Irish, our newest member Diggs has acted with calmness, courtesy and respect..... he should know that this behavior will not be tolerated, and if u keep this up, all the dirt in Yankee stadium won't save you.
18. Speaking of dirt, while many members work to make RI a better place, Big Daddy works to enable marijuana induced drivers on our roads legally, where they can easily hit our illegally driven drunk cars. Keep up the good work Big Daddy.
19. Speaking of drunk cars, the Club Sub presidential motorcade has decided on route 246 tonight, so I suggest everyone else drive safely on route 146.
16. Also its good to see the Irish are represented with Irish Brian here tonight. Now at least when someone starts a fight, breaks a bottle, and attacks a cop, its only a 50 percent chance we're bailing HRD out. BTW HRD, did u hear they are going to lay off 120,000 rhesus monkeys... I mean postal workers, this year. Who the heck will be there to not deliver your unemployment check?
17. Now, while on the Irish, our newest member Diggs has acted with calmness, courtesy and respect..... he should know that this behavior will not be tolerated, and if u keep this up, all the dirt in Yankee stadium won't save you.
18. Speaking of dirt, while many members work to make RI a better place, Big Daddy works to enable marijuana induced drivers on our roads legally, where they can easily hit our illegally driven drunk cars. Keep up the good work Big Daddy.
19. Speaking of drunk cars, the Club Sub presidential motorcade has decided on route 246 tonight, so I suggest everyone else drive safely on route 146.
20. With that, we'll see u at 50. Happy Birthday!
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