Club Sub Bio's

Club Sub Executive Branch

Name: J. D.
Title: President
Nickname: DaPrez
Known Aliases: Farty McSmellydrawers, Loud Guy
Bio: The Creator and Founder of Club Sub. Most technologically advanced of all Club Sub members, Jeff had a pager in 1987. He also was the first member of Club Sub to pay bills online, and consequently has had his identity stolen 8 times since 2002. Adoptive father of Dave K., Sec.of State.
Catch Phrase: “This isn’t looking too sexy right here.”

Name: Mr.Unknown
Title: Vice President
Nicknames: Frank White, The Infant
Known Aliases: Meyer Lansky III, The Asshole
Bio: Club Sub’s Financial wizard. Originally the Youngest member of Club Sub, Mr Unknown. has spent his entire tenure as a Club Sub member trying to climb the ladder. Suggested that Club Sub go public, even proposing a $217 IPO in 1997. Makes money in EVERY VENTURE.
Catch Phrase: “How’s that stock?”

Departments & Staff

Name: Steve V.
Title: Chief of Staff
Nickname: Hitman
Known Aliases: V, Big Steve V, Big Chief Brownbottom
Bio: One of the greatest proponents in the history of Club Sub, Mr. V. has done more to popularize and expand Club Sub than any other member, including a venture into Montana. Responsible for several failed Club Sub public relations campaigns (as well as many successful ones), such as the Christmas Party at the Marriott where several of us were nearly arrested and had to stockpile alcohol in a bathtub. While some argue that this event was not a failure, it was a strategic disaster and cost Club Sub several allies.
Catch Phrase: Go fuck yourself Mud.

Name: Dave K.
Title: Secretary of State
Nickname: The Schemer
Known Aliases: The Mad Pisser, Toilet Dave, Leaky
Bio: One of the original Club Sub members, DK has been consistently inconsistent throughout his tenure. Known for his odd, erratic behavior and thought processes, as well as an ongoing Flomax-type of ailment, DK is a shrewd planner and analyst, and is lauded for his sharpness and war-time planning ability.
Catch Phrase: Not so much.

Name: Fic
Title: Secretary of Defense
Nickname: Terminator
Known Aliases: Fic, Dreamchaser, Large Marge, the Factor
Bio: Has dedicated himself to all things sports-related. While a generally quiet, unassuming, nice fellow, Fic is UBER-competitive and will stop at nothing to win. Spent 7 months as a houseboy in the Phillipines in the 80s in a Culture-Exchange program, and credits this experience with molding and shaping him into the man he is today. His top asset as Secretary is Defense is an unfailing ability to look menacing, even though in his head he is singing Abba tunes.
Catch Phrase: Theeeeeyyyy SUUUUUUUCCCCKKK!

Name: Brian C.
Title: Secretary of Energy
Nickname: Tilt
Known Aliases: Coach, Hetero B, The Southern Dandy
Bio: Earned Sec of Energy honors due to the fact that his vehicle uses more gas than anyone else’s. Brian was the first Club Sub member to be married, and is also the first to have had significant voluntary surgery to his happy place. Intelligent, charming, handsome, and generally harmless, Brian has zero knowledge of the Energy industry and it completely useless as a Secretary of Energy. But what a handsome devil!
Catch Phrase: Who wants some of this Crème Broullet that I just took out of the oven?
Departments & Staff (continued)

Name: James W.
Title: Secretary of the Interior
Nickname: The Rat
Known Aliases: Where the fuck is Jim, Jim’s not coming, The Bill Collector
Bio: Quick and agile, he is known for his shrewdness and his inability to attend most Cabinet meetings. Despite this, JW is and will remain a trusted advisor to this administration due to his ruthlessness and candor. Despite his small stature, he is one of the most feared & respected members of Club Sub due to his willingness to take on people who are substantially larger than himself. Is an outstanding softball player, particularly in the field. Was once confused with Brent Kermen by a senile reporter for The Observer.
Catch Phrase: Who invited you? Get the fuck out of here!

Name: Stephen M.
Title: Director of National Intelligence
Nickname: Mud
Known Aliases: LT, Mud the Stud, Moose, Tex Colorado
Bio: Loyal, honest, and unscrupulous, is willing to do the dirty work for the organization, provided he receives praise and financial support. Speaks at inopportune times and can insult EVERYONE with a single comment. Has spent the better part of his life convincing everyone that he is much dumber than he really is in order to infiltrate opposing organizations and crush them. Has killed a man.
Catch Phrase: Try saying that again without the cock in your mouth, asshole.

Name: John W., Jr.
Title: Secretary of Education
Nickname: Johnny Dogs, Johnny Bats, That Guy
Known Aliases: Harvey L. Sherman, Esq., Pedro Lopes de la Santa Rosa
Bio: Honest, friendly, and unabashedly feminine, JW is often the first person on the dance floor (male or female) at weddings. Has great networking skills and can make small talk with anyone. Has an iPod playlist called “Boy Bands”.
Catch Phrase: Michael Jackson is Awesome!

Name: Mike C.
Title: Secretary of HUD
Nickname: Clap, Faceman
Known Aliases: Jason Clap, Brian Clap, Joey Clap
Bio: Notoriously quiet, polite, and hard-working. Often seen in the company of midgets. Actually possesses real-estate licenses. Had 12 different majors in college before finally settling on Physical Therapy, which he put to good use by becoming a mortgage broker/real estate agent.
Catch Phrase: (smile, nod)



Departments & Staff (continued)

Name: Ray C.
Title: Secretary of the Treasury
Nicknames: Cloot, Big Red
Known Aliases: Ray Ray, Coach, Skip
Bio: IS North Providence. There isn’t a single person in NP who doesn’t know him. Weighed 145 pounds as Senior in High School. Weighs 145 pounds now. Never travels without his personal assistant and lawyer, Mr. Wong.
Catch Phrase: Let’s play two!

Name: Jason D.
Title: Secretary of Labor
Nickname: Big Sloppy, the Skankmaster
Known Aliases: JD, Willie the Wimp and his Cadillac Coffin
Bio: Is eminently qualified to be Secretary of Labor due to his lacking a real job and his ability to put skanks to work. Comes to all Cabinet meetings with a bag of Burger King.
Catch Phrase: I was four to a flush, and I was getting good pot odds, so I looked him up on the flop, but I couldn’t catch on the turn and got fucked on the river, so I went all in, but it was a coin flip, and he doubled up thru me.

Name: Chris R.
Title: Attorney General
Nickname: Daddy
Known Aliases: The Lobbyist, CWR
Bio: Due to the terms and conditions set forth by Provision 6-2.3 of the Agreement (“the agreement”), Club Sub Management (hereinafter “we”) are prohibited from publishing a Bio (“said document”).

Name: Dan V.
Title: Secretary of Veterans Affairs
Nickname: Big Daddy
Known Aliases: Portugese Pride, The Fireman
Bio: A gifted storyteller, Big Daddy continues to be a guiding force in the leadership and ideals of the Club Sub organization despite the organization’s efforts to convince him to retire and take a token position on the Board. He could continue his tenure as an historian, a position he is certainly qualified for.
Catch Phrase: Did I ever you tell you about the time…..?

Name: Fr. Mark
Title: Priest
Nickname: The Priest, Mark
Known Aliases: The Chef, The Holy Roller
Bio: Father Mark is a wonderful man. Let’s leave it at that.

Departments & Staff (continued)

Name: Rich Raz
Title: Secretary of Transportation
Nickname: Razz, the Mouth
Known Aliases: PIFD (Pollock is fakin drunkardness)
Bio: Teetering on the edge of “inactive” status, Razz has not been actively involved in the operations of the organization for quite some time. Due to his indiscretions (read: Loose Lips), the organization is keen to not have him privy to the day-to-day operations.

Name: Paul S.
Title: Drug Czar
Nickname: Five-O, Swinny
Known Aliases: Creatine, Andro, the Mass
Bio: A NP cop, Swinny most valuable asset to the organization is his “name-dropping” propensity. Thus, he shall never be rendered “inactive”. Also, he can really hit a baseball.
Catch Phrase: I ask the questions around here!

Name: Al Dal
Title: Secretary of Agriculture
Nickname: Beerman
Known Aliases: Al D, DC, Al Dal
Bio: A feared local hoodlum, Al was brought into the Club Sub fold in the early days when he attempted to rob it armed with a large ornamental wooden spoon. The potentially was immediately seen in him, and he was hastily inducted. Has dated more than 70 women, but ended up marrying the first one he dated, just as we all knew he would.

Name: Ron C.
Title: Director of Homeland Security
Nickname: Ron, Caps
Known Aliases: Endicott French, Mahmoud Abdullah Al-Medhi
Bio: Born Frederick Pringle in 1971, Ron changed his name shortly after his birth, which proved to be a short-sighted gesture that denied him the rights to the Pringle family fortune, estimated in 1991 at $7.4 billion. Capraro can often be seen around NP, mumbling to himself and kicking puppies.

Name: Jake J.
Title: Director of Health and Human Services
Nickname: The Snake
Known Aliases: The Cockblocker, JJ
Bio: Orginally from Woonsocket, Jarvis was inducted into Club Sub as a mandate from the ACLU who determined that NOT having a member from Woonsocket was “Profiling”. Club Sub put up a legal defense, but their case collapsed when Attorney General Chris R. referred to Jake in court as a “frog bastard” despite Jake not being French.
Inactive (Emeritus) Status

Scott W.
Sergio “The Llama that did Your Mama” L.
Frank “The Bouncer” A.
Antonio L.
PJ W.