Club Sub Member Profile of the Month: Big Sloppy

Editor's Note: The member profile of the month has slacked of late, but it's not entirely my fault. The latest marketing campaign that management has employed, called "Join Club Sub and We'll Do You in the Ass", hasn't been as successful as anticipated, and there aren't many new members to write about. But somehow, Big Sloppy fell through the cracks (no pun intended), so we're getting him on the record.

From the beginning of time, Man has ceaselessly pursued the art of perfection. From the advent of usable fire, to the invention of heavy weaponry, to the everyday use of technology that as recently as 20 years ago seemed unattainable. Despite these efforts, perfection has always seemed out of reach- a carrot no man could catch up to- though seemingly in our grasp, it has eluded Man to the point that it has driven some of the most genius of our species to the brink of insanity and beyond.

Which leads us to one man...A man who will not understand the previous paragraph..A man who single-handedly raised the value of Burger King stock $.37 cents per share during a 3-week span in August '06...A man who is criticized by the fellow members of his organization for a weak initiation ritual...A man who will be forever known for the "Dante Hall Incident"...A man who will simply be known to all as "Big Sloppy".

I sat down with this man to try to understand what makes him tick. What I found was unfathomable on so many levels that I had to change my pants twice.

CSB: Let's cut to the chase. I was not aware that "White Slavery" was even on the books as a crime anymore.
BS: Me neither. It's a [expletive] charge. Skankery is an art, and it's a shame that the Man feels a need to pull rank here. Don't hate the player, hate the...
CSB (interrupting): Yeah, yeah, whatever. We've all heard the line. Now let's talks about sacks of burgers...
BS: You got some?
CSB: No, we just want to talk about them. How many burgers usually per bag?
BS: It varies..Normally 2-3 if they are smaller burgers, but I'll usually do a couple Whoppers and an order of fries and the biggest iced coffee i can get my hands on. I was a Bess Eaton fan, but Tim Horton's isn't too bad. But I've been hitting up D&D lately.
CSB: Does it bother you that you are perceived as a degenerate gambler?
BS: I am?
CSB: Moving on...How has becoming a Club Sub member changed your life?
BS: It's afforded me influence that I couldn't imagine living without. Because of my membership, I have acheived greatness that I could only dream about. It's a fact that other players at poker tournaments will fold pots to me because they know who I roll with.
CSB: Is it true that your affiliation with Club Sub was responsible for your muscling in on the Woonsocket Co-Ed CYO softball organization?
BS: Those frogs never saw it coming. I ousted Roland with the "offer he couldn't refuse" trick. I told him that either his signature or the condiments from my Double Cheeseburger would end up on the paper. He signed it...Wouldn't you? There were pickles on it.
CSB: How many clipboards do you own?
BS: 17 at last count...But I'm always checking the Staples & Office Depot fliers in the Sunday paper for deals. You can never have enough.
CSB: Are you now settling down with one woman?
BS: C'mon now...You know I can't answer that.
CSB: But her family is a prominent sponsor of...
BS: NEXT [expletive] QUESTION, you FAT piece of [expletive].
CSB: Who is the most important member of your softball team?
BS: What the Hell kinda question is that? No one else is organized enough to run that show. You know damn well who it is.
CSB: So you are saying that it's you?
BS: Of course it's me. Who buys the loaded bat? Who pulls out the most obsure rules at the most opportune times? Who insists that we play at a field with a short porch so that we can hit copious amounts of home runs?
CSB: "Copious" equals 5?
BS: Admittedly it didn't work out last year. Terminator hit 3 in one game...Highlight of the season. But because of that bat we made it to the playoffs.
CSB: Actually, we made it to the play-in game, which we won...But we ended up facing the softball equivalent of the 1992 Duke basketball team and got killed.
BS: True, but it was a step in the right direction for us.
CSB: Are you at all concerned that Hitman, since he holds seniority and higher status in the Club Sub organization, will attempt to oust you as manager of the softball team?
BS: Bring it on. I'll do him in the ass.
CSB: Actually that marketing campaign has been pulled.
BS: Oh, really? I guess that makes sense.
CSB: Thanks for your time. This interview is over.
BS: OH YEAH???? WELL, THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER! (flips table, storms away)
CSB: I already said that.
BS: (walking away) OK, well give my best to the family then.

Club Sub leads Pats' Attack vs Cowboys, Pavement attacks Flanagan

Club Sub leads Pats Attack vs Cowboys, Pavement attacks Flanagan

(note this blog was delayed as the writer did not have full use of his hands until 4 pm today.)

Dallas- The Annual Fall Club Sub football trip was a rousing success as the boys (club sub boys not cowboys) cheered their team on to a perfect 6-0 mark. The term Fall in this trip refers to more than the time of year. First however some highlights:

• Best line of the trip: the anti Ward, Clap, with this line out of nowhere: After Osama told us we’d be paying 13$ extra for his cab due to 7 people in it, and after he then sped over a vicious Texas sized speed bump, Clap uttered the immortal: “now you can use the $13 bucks to fix your fucking muffler”
• Best eating display: Club Sub takes down 100 wings (minus 5 on the floor) at buffalo wild wings
• Most used lines:
  • 1. “Down, and to the left” said numerous times at Dealey plaza.
  • 2. “That’s ok, we know how you treat guests from the Northeast, we just left Dealey plaza” (Flanagan to numerous Texans)
  • (side note - best comeback to #2: “he should have sped up the limo”
  • 3. “Fuck the Cowboys”
  • 4. “Fuck you hillbillies”
  • 5. “How could he put Gagne in?”
  • 6. “How many wings would Mud have eaten?”
  • 7. “I’m tapping out” Fic announcing he’d be going to bed after a night of booze and poker, and after he was already sleeping for 2 hours on the couch.
  • 8. “I have a confession to make, I used your toothbrush… again” Scheemer to yung Flanagan
  • 9. “what color toothbrush should I buy that you won’t mistake? Flanagan to Scheemer
  • 10. “Get a toy one like Winnie the pooh or something” Scheemer to Flanagan.
  • 11. Good morning Crash: Dan V to Flanagan, day of departure.
• The “you spoke to soon award” to Big Sloppy: “I keep hearing about Fic and Flanagan and haven’t seen anything”
• The “ keep pushing even after you’re done award” to Fic for announcing that there was a chance we could have gotten private box tickets from his wifes cousin who is a big shot at 7 UP
• The 2^nd best Clap quote award: “Fic let’s see if your cousin is working”-after the van passed a 7 Eleven
• Pregame notes: arriving before sunrise, Club sub was pumped from the start, with eats, drinks and football keeping all entertained. Locals began arriving, seemingly with their houses hitched to their ford chevy trucks. They take “this is our country” serious btw. Full screen tvs, Dish satellites, aquariums and lawnmowers (ok I made the last 2 up) were everywhere in the parking lot. Additionally there was a clear hatred toward the patriots, visible by the following:
  • 1. The Tom Brady dummy hanging in effigy wearing a dress
  • 2. the sign on the 1 port a potty in the parking lot (thanks jerry jones you big spender) that said: Patriots locker room
  • 3. the signs hinting that belichek cheats, each one consistently misspelling belichek
• The game began with our national anthem, sung by a hillbilly. With the crowd at attention, quiet and respectful, Billy Ray Cyrus gave the typical pause after the OH Say can you see…which was filled by yung flanagan’s scream “T.O. SUCKS!” which did not go over well with the locals.
• The game was very exciting though marred by the halftime display in which Dallas recognized Michael Irving for something other than being a criminal. During this sham, he referred to having 3 key things, to which Flanagan, unrepentant after his Anthem incident, screamed: yeah “A Bag, A razor, and Cocaine” this also did not go over well
• It was at some point in the 2^nd half after the Patriots pulled away that things turned heated, as the Hitman entered into a verbal match with one Cleetus A. Cleetus, who with one foot and a flight of stairs separating them, invited the Hitman into the parking lot for what one could only assume would have been then end of Cleetus’s life. Or the HitMan getting shot.
• It was also at this time that Flanagan finally came up with a retort for the hillbilly who was ringing the cowbell 5 rows in front of us. “For whom the bell tolls Hillbilly, it tolls for thee!” Surprisingly this did not go over well. It led to the Hitman admonishing Flanagan, not about the comment but for saying that Edgar Allen Poe wrote the book rather than Heminway. It then led to a cowboy fan taking umbrage at being called a hillbilly yet knowing that Edgar Allen Poe was from Baltimore, not from Providence, as proclaimed by Flanagan. Ah the pen is mightier than the sword.

We all left together, no fights, more celebrating, and that was the end of a great trip!

Oh alright already. Flanagan either started running in circles or was running a pass route, depending on who you listen too. What is incontrovertible is that he had no ability to walk, run, or run in circles. In the greatest case of cosmic justice since the Last Seinfeld episode, Flanagan, who was never touched by a cowboy fan, face planted in the pavement. In even more irony, he has to make 2 presentations this week and read at a wedding. In even more irony, all right fuck it I’m a dick.

After this incident and recovery, the morale of this tale has not been lost on Flanagan. For future trips he is absolutely positively going to buy a novelty toothbrush.

Great trip everyone! Hope to be re invited some year.

Report" DaPrez Used "banned techniques" in Club Sub Football Contests

CANTON, OH (Associated Press)- According to unnamed league sources, DaPrez used "banned techniques" this season in at least one contest. Further elaboration was not provided.

This latest charge of impropreity levied against DaPrez comes just a week after he was suspended from his local men's basketball team for buggery. Charges are pending in that incident which involved an ox, a summer squash, and a pepperoni and cheese calzone (without tomato sauce).

While the actual actions have not been identified, unnamed league sources indicate that he "has acheived significant success while employing the use of banned techniques". The source went on to say that this [expletive] has been cheating. The extent is which is not known at this time. An investigation is pending."

"He was spying on other coaches," adds The Rat, from his hospital bed. "The bastard sent me flowers, and I found a small camera in it. It's no shock really, when you consider that I put up a million points last week and he put up a million and one to beat me. He HAD to have been cheating."

"It was more than flowers," adds That Guy. "The Club Sub logo on the official mugs is actually a device that allows him to spy on us and brainwash us. Fortunately, I was de-programmed by Michael Jackson while in Intercourse, Pennsylvania. Shamon! Hee, hee, hee. OOOOOOOHHHHHH" singing "I want to love you PYT Pretty Young Thing..."

The Commisioner's Office, in statement, did indicate that further comment would noty be forthcoming, although the League Office did comment on a possible steroid issue involving Team Florida.

"The Commissioner has no comment on alleged impropreity on the part of Club Sub members. However, we will comment on non-members, and the juicer will pay. The League Office at this time is proud to announce that Team Florida has been suspended from postseason play, although this sanction does appear to be unnecessary. That said, we can only deal with one scandal per week, and the juice issue is top priority right now. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go and give oral sex to DaPrez, er i mean, 'I have a meeting'- Hitman."

"No [expletive] comment," said DaPrez, reached at his vacation home, curiously called "The Brown House". "I said I have no [expletive] comment for any of you [expletive]. You can [expletive] your [ expletive] with a [expletive] [expletive] on your [expletive] Uncle's birthday and [expletive] a calzone [expletive] with his [expletive] LaDanian Tomlinson [expletive] solar plexus."