CANTON, OH (Associated Press)- According to unnamed league sources, DaPrez used "banned techniques" this season in at least one contest. Further elaboration was not provided.
This latest charge of impropreity levied against DaPrez comes just a week after he was suspended from his local men's basketball team for buggery. Charges are pending in that incident which involved an ox, a summer squash, and a pepperoni and cheese calzone (without tomato sauce).
While the actual actions have not been identified, unnamed league sources indicate that he "has acheived significant success while employing the use of banned techniques". The source went on to say that this [expletive] has been cheating. The extent is which is not known at this time. An investigation is pending."
"He was spying on other coaches," adds The Rat, from his hospital bed. "The bastard sent me flowers, and I found a small camera in it. It's no shock really, when you consider that I put up a million points last week and he put up a million and one to beat me. He HAD to have been cheating."
"It was more than flowers," adds That Guy. "The Club Sub logo on the official mugs is actually a device that allows him to spy on us and brainwash us. Fortunately, I was de-programmed by Michael Jackson while in Intercourse, Pennsylvania. Shamon! Hee, hee, hee. OOOOOOOHHHHHH" singing "I want to love you PYT Pretty Young Thing..."
The Commisioner's Office, in statement, did indicate that further comment would noty be forthcoming, although the League Office did comment on a possible steroid issue involving Team Florida.
"The Commissioner has no comment on alleged impropreity on the part of Club Sub members. However, we will comment on non-members, and the juicer will pay. The League Office at this time is proud to announce that Team Florida has been suspended from postseason play, although this sanction does appear to be unnecessary. That said, we can only deal with one scandal per week, and the juice issue is top priority right now. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go and give oral sex to DaPrez, er i mean, 'I have a meeting'- Hitman."
"No [expletive] comment," said DaPrez, reached at his vacation home, curiously called "The Brown House". "I said I have no [expletive] comment for any of you [expletive]. You can [expletive] your [ expletive] with a [expletive] [expletive] on your [expletive] Uncle's birthday and [expletive] a calzone [expletive] with his [expletive] LaDanian Tomlinson [expletive] solar plexus."
No comments:
Post a Comment