Greetings CS members and friends, and Happy Holidays! Mud's back again to berate you all.
As I was counting out my winnings from this year's CSFFL (winner and top point-scorer), I thought it would be fun to post an end-of-year report. I'll break down each team, their luck (or lack thereof) and basically sum up my feelings in memoir form. We'll break it down by season-end finish.
1. Mud's Team- flat-out untouchable. Lost a few games due to Tony Romo's injury, but otherwise, a dominating performance. Be sure to visit the Records area at the beginning of next season, because this team captured several of them.
GM grade: A+. Expect anything less? A mid-year deal with the Rat and That Guy got him Larry Fitzgerald in exchange for DeAngelo Williams. This was a great deal for both teams. Mud was deep at RB, weak at wideout, and Fitzie put this team over the top. Props to the WBs for this one. You ended up with the best RB in the league. Makes it interesting come keeper time, doesn't it?
Avg points per game: 120.4.
2. Del's Destroyers- I have to give this team props here. Made it to the finals, and that is commendable. I am proud of you.
But in fairness to Tilt, this was more matchups than anything else...
Also, and only because you were talking smack, I have to justify my feeling that the Frank Gore-Kurt Warner/Lee Evans deal was not a good deal for you. See here's the thing- there are many more good QBs in Fantasy than RBs. Therefore, if you have a good running back, you MUST keep him, unless you were 5 deep, like I was.
Breakdown:
Avg points for Del's Destroyers, pre-trade: 97
Avg points for Del's Destroyers, post-trade: 87
That said, again, you made it to the finals, and that is commendable. I'm not trying to take that away from you.
GM Grade: B-. Other than that deal, I felt you did a solid job, and drafted well....
WTF Moment of the Year: in the final, Warner (who you had) struggled against the Pats. They pulled him. Leinart (his replacement) then threw a TD to pass to Larry Fitzgerald, who I had. Wouldn't have made a difference, but WTF?
Avg points per game: 92.5
3. Ward Boys- as usual, made a run at it. You guys don't give up, and I give you credit for that. You got unlucky in the playoffs. You made a great deal for DA Williams- again, a deal that helped both teams. I don't know what else to say, other than "You see, we're putting cover sheets on our TPS reports now."
GM Grade: A.
Avg points per game: 112
4. Fighting Amish- Where the Hell did this guy come from? Apparently 8-5-1 was good enough for the playoffs? Our league is crap...At one point, had the 2 best RBs in the league in Braber and Portis and then inexplicably, he GOT BETTER AS THEY GOT WORSE. I'm interested to see who gets kept here...
GM Grade: C. Good draft, but not much else. But made the playoffs, and there is something to be said for that....
Avg points per game: 89.6
5. Tilt's Team- A blatant miscarriage of justice. You been...Hoodwinked! Bamboozeled! How did this team not make the playoffs? Matchups, apparently. Just unfortunate. However, karma was not on your side after you made the Warner-Gore deal. The Blue Man was displeased with you, Malachi. (that's from "Children of the Corn". Malachi was played by Courney Gains, one of the greatest teen-character actors in history..He was awesome in "Colors".) http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0301381/.
Seriously, though...Honestly one of the best performances for a non-playoff-making-team EVER.
GM Grade: A-. Deserved better after stealing Gore in exchange for his backup QB.
Avg points per game: (BC- don't read this, it'll only make you angry) : 116.
6. DaPrez- Performed admirably, but was killed by the demise of LT as a running back. Sad to see. DaPrez hitched his wagon to San Diego's offense, which turned into Amodie and Sons Builders down the stretch. Good news, though- you get to participate in the draft lottery! Whoo-hoo! Now you get to be as miserable as the rest of us when you see the 8th pick with your name on it (known as the Al Conca memorial draft pick). But at least you won this league once and you can tell me to screw. Good times! Question- who will you keep? My bet is on Ronnie Brown. I don't see anyone else there...Maybe Rivers, but he raped you in the shower after he paid off the guards...
GM Grade: C-. Wanted to go with D here, but it's not entirely your fault...
Avg points per game: 109.9 (what's the matter? Not good enough to get to 110? Ha ha!)
7. Hot Corner- It appears his team did retire midway thru the season, as I suspected they would. Somehow this team was high man twice this season, which is astounding. This team needs a complete overhaul, which, as it turns out, happens to every team. What a bunch of stiffs.
GM Grade: D - His head coach should be fired, a la Mangini...
Avg points per game: 94.4
8. The Clapp- Burns while urinating. Ha ha! Always wanted to use that one. Hung in there in his first season. Managed to get thru the death of Larry Johnson, the up and down season of Brian Westbrook, and Wes Welkers consistent weekly stat line of 10 catches, 103 yards, and no touchdowns.
GM Grade: D-. but hey, he is the new guy. Cut him some slack.
Avg points per game: 94.4
9. Club Sub Convicts- you know that heads are going to roll this offseason. He's going to run out and sign Mark Texiera, CC Sabathia, and AJ Burnett. Expect big money to come rolling out of his wallet like a dust-covered condom. What he should do is save his money and use it to purchase a new back. He's got no one that I would keep, that's for sure...
GM Grade: L. L is for LOSER. Cuz that's what he is - a LOSER. He's a big LOSER. Or it could be for "Legislation". That's right, folks- expect new rules this offseason that benefit him only. Like, "The Commish gets the number 1 pick".
Avg points per game: 93
10. Warriors- This team had a pitiful year. It took 11 weeks for Peyton Manning to round into form, and by that time, it was too late. Ladell Betts got a start for him. Ladell Betts! What happened, Tony Collins wasn't available? He does have some talent to keep however- Roddy White emerged as Matt Ryan's favorite target. Whoa, stop the presses! CF could have beaten this team this year.
GM Grade: F
Avg points per game: 90.4
11. The Schemers- Victimized by the Tom Brady injury and Tom Cruise (Tom Cruise!) as a Nazi officer, this team just never got going. Maurice Jones-Drew once again f'd a FF owner. On the good side, I finally finished "Battle Cry of Freedom" by James McPherson, and will have it in the car so the next time I see you I will give it to you. Also, if you haven't read "Team of Rivals" by Doris Kearns-Goodwin, I highly recommend it. It's a detailed look at Lincoln's cabinet and how their mutual hatred of one another resulted in a very effective dynamic. Did you read the other McPherson book about Lincoln as a commander-in-chief? I forgot the name of it, and was hoping you could let me know if it's worth picking up.
GM Grade: E+
Avg points per game: 97.6
12. Cosmo Kramer ASSMAN- This guy has 2 claims to fame. Great avatars, and he beat Mud this year in one of the biggest fiascos of the season. Randy Moss had 629 yards and 12 touchdowns that game, and ASSMAN beat Mud by 2 points. Yikes. What a horrendous season for this guy. He didn't draft a single starting RB. In this league, this means that your team will not be very good. Tomorrow we'll talk about shapes and colors!
GM Grade: F He would have had a Q, but the avitars were just too good.
Avg points per game: 80.4. I'm speechless.
So there you have it folks...Happy New Year to all, and to all a good night. Please feel free to blow it on out your ass, m'kay?
Monday, December 29, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Mud's Club Sub Fantasy Football Mid-Year Report
Hi all- can you belive that the fantasy Football season is half-over? Incredible. Seems like only yesterday I was prepared to end up in the draft lottery again.
I thought it would be a good idea to issue some mid-term grades, comment on some situations, and eat some humble pie based on my pre-season preview. I am often wrong, and I usually admit it, so this will be no exception.
Let's look at each team, based on the standings after week 7.
1. Mud's Team 7-0: (note: for the teams that change names often, I will call them just as I did here).
Wow. Wowwee wow-wow-wow. Is this team that good?? I don't think so. Week 7 was eaked out because of Tony Romo's wittle pinky-winkie.(http://www.theonion.com/content/news/tony_womo_out_three_to_four_weeks).
The youth movement is working out, however. But this team will go as Romo goes.
Preseason prediction: 1
Preseason sleeper: All of them. I was right about most. Forte and Slaton have been awesome. Kevin Smith is the best player on a bad team. And DeSean Jackson has figured out how to hold on to the ball long enough to get in the end zone. I've recieved at least 5 trade offers for Forte. NO DICE, BABY.
Grade: A+ (did you really expect anything less? This is my team, for the love of God!)
2. DaPrez 5-2 ok, so I was a little off on this one. LT's injury, while not guresome, has hampered him without question. Jamal Lewis does suck, however- I was right on that one. But Ronnie Brown has been a nice surprise for DaPrez, when he isn't on DaPrez's bench. And Philip Rivers? WTF. But management has always been a question mark, and could bite him in the buttocks when he tries to do things that he shouldn't, like think. Put it on autopilot, buddy.
Preseason prediction: 7
Preseason sleeper: Jonathan Stewart. I was right on this one as well, but Stewart promises to be even better when he pulls a Rae Carruth and has DeAngelo Williams capped. Remember, they both play in Carolina.
Grade: A-
3. Tilt's team 5-2 This team can score. He has 2 of the best quarterbacks in Fantasy this year, which sucks for him because you can only start 1. As I said in the preview, this team's biggest issue is its owner, which was evidenced earlier on when he benched Drew Brees in favor of Kurt Warner's better matchup and cost himself a win. The lesson here: Never ever EVER bench Drew Brees.
Preseason prediction: 2
Preseason sleeper: Rashard Mendenhall. He showed falshes of brilliance until he fumbled away a leg (again, i called this one).
Grade: B+ I'd have given him an A, but when he over-thought his QB situation and cost him a win, well i had to tkae notice. His grade would have been a C, but his Roast of the Commish was classic. Bonus points here.
4. Rat and That Guy 5-2 Will these fuckers ever go away? I mean, come on. It seems like every year these guys just hang around. Kid's got alligator blood. If Peterson really gets going, look out- could be bad news for the rest of us. Fortunately for them, the That Guy front office power move has been squashed by Machiavelli Junior (the Rat) and things are right again in Wland. Also, I was wrong on Donald Driver. Not great, but serviceable.
Preseason prediction: 6
Preseason sleeper: Pierre Thomas. Well, he just sucks, even with the Reggie Bush injury. I think he has been on 4 different rosters so far this year.
Grade: A- I certainly didn't expect them to be in the playoff hunt. Did you?
5. The Fighting Amish 4-3 This guy has the 2 highest-scoring RBs in the league and is 4-3. What does that tell you? The rest of his team is a smelly mound of dung. Derek Anderson SUUUUCCCCKKKSSSSS. He should be at least 5-2.
Preseason prediction: 8
Preseason sleeper: Donnie Avery. Watch out, this guy is turning it on....However he plays in St Louis, which is a detriment.
Grade: C- Barber and Portis and he can't do better than 4-3. Sorry.
6. Del's Destroyers 3-4 Here's where we get into the crud of this league (no offense meant). There are 7 teams in this league that are below .500. That's more than half. And leading the charge? Del's Destroyers! This team is a tweener. Could easily be over .500, but isn't, so too bad. Ryan Grant has underperformed, but I was WAY off on Greg Jennings (and Aaron Rodgers too, for that matter). This is another GM that thinks too much. Notice a trend?
Preseason prediction: 9
Preseason sleeper: Ricky Williams. Mud was wrong! Mud was wrong! But seriously, how long before he gets sick of being on a bad team and sparks up again (if he isn't already)? Can you say "Whizzenator"?
Grade: C Not too much to work with. Gets a D in the draft.
7. The Clapp 3-4 This team is not good. Not good at all. Won 2 in a row, but just not a good team. But the owner is a rookie, and taking that into consideration, not bad results, I suppose. Memo to ownership: There is absolutely NO REASON to take 2 kickers in the draft. Jot that down for next year's draft, where you will probably be picking early. BTW, Larry Johnson has absolutely bent you over and violated you.
Preseason prediction: 4 (My worst pick no doubt)
Preseason sleeper: Matt Ryan. I stand by this one. This guy is only going to get better, and has not hurt his team much, which is impressive for a rookie QB.
Grade: C
8. Club Sub Convicts 3-4 *sniff* *sniff*...Smell that? It's a ridiculous rule change coming down, or a good trade rejected by the Commish. We all know that he is a sore loser, so we can't expect the season to go quietly without an outburst. This team has no RBs, a QB with no heart, and 4 flash-in-the-pan wideouts. What do you expect? Actually, that's wrong- Fat LenDale and Worse Willis are starting to play well. In fariness to him, the "Roast the Commish" thing was a great idea...
Preseason prediction: 10
Preseason sleeper: Ted Ginn Jr. I should have realized that this guy plays for Miami. i think he is a year (or 7) away.
Grade: D Please don't break up my team, Mr Commissioner Sir!!
9. The Warriors 3-4 Another one i was way off on, and i don't know why. I think injuries have hurt this team significantly, as well as Wade Philips being a horrible coach and under-utilizing Felix Jones. But hey, them's the breaks. Can't go to the Super Bowl every year, ya know, Class D or otherwise. Peyton Manning could be done....
Preseason prediction: 3
Preseason sleeper: Felix Jones. I think everyone (except Wade Philips) knows how good this guy is.
Grade: C This guy drafted all of the right guys, but things juts aren't working out. Took a stapler off my desk. Need you to go ahead and move your desk down into Storage BEEEE.
10. Hot Corner 2-5 This team is a complete enigma. 2-5 is a horrible reocrd, but led the league in scoring one week...What the Hell? Wideouts are tremendous, but everything else is crap. However, i can see this team making a second-half push, just before all of this team's players buy condos at The Villages, Florida's Friendliest Hometown, and buy $50,000 golf carts with 22-inch rims.
Preseason prediction: 11
Preseason sleeper: Thomas Jones. Again, I stand by this one. Not stud numbers, but solid. However, they throw too much...
Grade: D
11. The Schemers 1-6 Every Fantasy league this year has an owner who got pooned in the first 7 minutes of the Partiots season. The support group meets on Tuesday nights. As I said in the preview, injuries would hurt this team. However, even I had no idea it would be THIS bad. But here's another rookie owner, and I expect big things from him next year.
Preseason prediction: 5th (I was WAY off...Samsonite!)
Preseason sleeper: Eddie Royal. Another one i was right on! Holy shit!
Grade C This guy got screwed, but is doing his best to field a serviceable team each week, which is commendable.
12. CAPTAIN MORGAN MEN 1-6 Far and away the worst team in this league. For more info, read the season preview. Again. Sorry HRD, but I was dead on here.
Preseason prediction: 12 (wow, huh?)
Preseason sleeper: Darren Sproles. Not sure why San Diego, which is German for "a whale's vagina", wouldn't just sit LT down for a couple of weeks to get healthy. You are not losing much by having Sproles out there.
Grade A+ BEST....AVITARS....EVER.
There you have it. Good luck to all in the 2nd half of the season. And if you don't like what i have to say, feel free to blow it out your ass. As usual. Peace!
I thought it would be a good idea to issue some mid-term grades, comment on some situations, and eat some humble pie based on my pre-season preview. I am often wrong, and I usually admit it, so this will be no exception.
Let's look at each team, based on the standings after week 7.
1. Mud's Team 7-0: (note: for the teams that change names often, I will call them just as I did here).
Wow. Wowwee wow-wow-wow. Is this team that good?? I don't think so. Week 7 was eaked out because of Tony Romo's wittle pinky-winkie.(http://www.theonion.com/content/news/tony_womo_out_three_to_four_weeks).
The youth movement is working out, however. But this team will go as Romo goes.
Preseason prediction: 1
Preseason sleeper: All of them. I was right about most. Forte and Slaton have been awesome. Kevin Smith is the best player on a bad team. And DeSean Jackson has figured out how to hold on to the ball long enough to get in the end zone. I've recieved at least 5 trade offers for Forte. NO DICE, BABY.
Grade: A+ (did you really expect anything less? This is my team, for the love of God!)
2. DaPrez 5-2 ok, so I was a little off on this one. LT's injury, while not guresome, has hampered him without question. Jamal Lewis does suck, however- I was right on that one. But Ronnie Brown has been a nice surprise for DaPrez, when he isn't on DaPrez's bench. And Philip Rivers? WTF. But management has always been a question mark, and could bite him in the buttocks when he tries to do things that he shouldn't, like think. Put it on autopilot, buddy.
Preseason prediction: 7
Preseason sleeper: Jonathan Stewart. I was right on this one as well, but Stewart promises to be even better when he pulls a Rae Carruth and has DeAngelo Williams capped. Remember, they both play in Carolina.
Grade: A-
3. Tilt's team 5-2 This team can score. He has 2 of the best quarterbacks in Fantasy this year, which sucks for him because you can only start 1. As I said in the preview, this team's biggest issue is its owner, which was evidenced earlier on when he benched Drew Brees in favor of Kurt Warner's better matchup and cost himself a win. The lesson here: Never ever EVER bench Drew Brees.
Preseason prediction: 2
Preseason sleeper: Rashard Mendenhall. He showed falshes of brilliance until he fumbled away a leg (again, i called this one).
Grade: B+ I'd have given him an A, but when he over-thought his QB situation and cost him a win, well i had to tkae notice. His grade would have been a C, but his Roast of the Commish was classic. Bonus points here.
4. Rat and That Guy 5-2 Will these fuckers ever go away? I mean, come on. It seems like every year these guys just hang around. Kid's got alligator blood. If Peterson really gets going, look out- could be bad news for the rest of us. Fortunately for them, the That Guy front office power move has been squashed by Machiavelli Junior (the Rat) and things are right again in Wland. Also, I was wrong on Donald Driver. Not great, but serviceable.
Preseason prediction: 6
Preseason sleeper: Pierre Thomas. Well, he just sucks, even with the Reggie Bush injury. I think he has been on 4 different rosters so far this year.
Grade: A- I certainly didn't expect them to be in the playoff hunt. Did you?
5. The Fighting Amish 4-3 This guy has the 2 highest-scoring RBs in the league and is 4-3. What does that tell you? The rest of his team is a smelly mound of dung. Derek Anderson SUUUUCCCCKKKSSSSS. He should be at least 5-2.
Preseason prediction: 8
Preseason sleeper: Donnie Avery. Watch out, this guy is turning it on....However he plays in St Louis, which is a detriment.
Grade: C- Barber and Portis and he can't do better than 4-3. Sorry.
6. Del's Destroyers 3-4 Here's where we get into the crud of this league (no offense meant). There are 7 teams in this league that are below .500. That's more than half. And leading the charge? Del's Destroyers! This team is a tweener. Could easily be over .500, but isn't, so too bad. Ryan Grant has underperformed, but I was WAY off on Greg Jennings (and Aaron Rodgers too, for that matter). This is another GM that thinks too much. Notice a trend?
Preseason prediction: 9
Preseason sleeper: Ricky Williams. Mud was wrong! Mud was wrong! But seriously, how long before he gets sick of being on a bad team and sparks up again (if he isn't already)? Can you say "Whizzenator"?
Grade: C Not too much to work with. Gets a D in the draft.
7. The Clapp 3-4 This team is not good. Not good at all. Won 2 in a row, but just not a good team. But the owner is a rookie, and taking that into consideration, not bad results, I suppose. Memo to ownership: There is absolutely NO REASON to take 2 kickers in the draft. Jot that down for next year's draft, where you will probably be picking early. BTW, Larry Johnson has absolutely bent you over and violated you.
Preseason prediction: 4 (My worst pick no doubt)
Preseason sleeper: Matt Ryan. I stand by this one. This guy is only going to get better, and has not hurt his team much, which is impressive for a rookie QB.
Grade: C
8. Club Sub Convicts 3-4 *sniff* *sniff*...Smell that? It's a ridiculous rule change coming down, or a good trade rejected by the Commish. We all know that he is a sore loser, so we can't expect the season to go quietly without an outburst. This team has no RBs, a QB with no heart, and 4 flash-in-the-pan wideouts. What do you expect? Actually, that's wrong- Fat LenDale and Worse Willis are starting to play well. In fariness to him, the "Roast the Commish" thing was a great idea...
Preseason prediction: 10
Preseason sleeper: Ted Ginn Jr. I should have realized that this guy plays for Miami. i think he is a year (or 7) away.
Grade: D Please don't break up my team, Mr Commissioner Sir!!
9. The Warriors 3-4 Another one i was way off on, and i don't know why. I think injuries have hurt this team significantly, as well as Wade Philips being a horrible coach and under-utilizing Felix Jones. But hey, them's the breaks. Can't go to the Super Bowl every year, ya know, Class D or otherwise. Peyton Manning could be done....
Preseason prediction: 3
Preseason sleeper: Felix Jones. I think everyone (except Wade Philips) knows how good this guy is.
Grade: C This guy drafted all of the right guys, but things juts aren't working out. Took a stapler off my desk. Need you to go ahead and move your desk down into Storage BEEEE.
10. Hot Corner 2-5 This team is a complete enigma. 2-5 is a horrible reocrd, but led the league in scoring one week...What the Hell? Wideouts are tremendous, but everything else is crap. However, i can see this team making a second-half push, just before all of this team's players buy condos at The Villages, Florida's Friendliest Hometown, and buy $50,000 golf carts with 22-inch rims.
Preseason prediction: 11
Preseason sleeper: Thomas Jones. Again, I stand by this one. Not stud numbers, but solid. However, they throw too much...
Grade: D
11. The Schemers 1-6 Every Fantasy league this year has an owner who got pooned in the first 7 minutes of the Partiots season. The support group meets on Tuesday nights. As I said in the preview, injuries would hurt this team. However, even I had no idea it would be THIS bad. But here's another rookie owner, and I expect big things from him next year.
Preseason prediction: 5th (I was WAY off...Samsonite!)
Preseason sleeper: Eddie Royal. Another one i was right on! Holy shit!
Grade C This guy got screwed, but is doing his best to field a serviceable team each week, which is commendable.
12. CAPTAIN MORGAN MEN 1-6 Far and away the worst team in this league. For more info, read the season preview. Again. Sorry HRD, but I was dead on here.
Preseason prediction: 12 (wow, huh?)
Preseason sleeper: Darren Sproles. Not sure why San Diego, which is German for "a whale's vagina", wouldn't just sit LT down for a couple of weeks to get healthy. You are not losing much by having Sproles out there.
Grade A+ BEST....AVITARS....EVER.
There you have it. Good luck to all in the 2nd half of the season. And if you don't like what i have to say, feel free to blow it out your ass. As usual. Peace!
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Club Sub Member Profile of the Month: HRD
Well, it's been quite a sabbatical for the Member Profiler (har!). I wrote a book, fathered a kid, dreamed of 3-way sex with Chasey Lain and Jenna Jameson (and myself), and reinvented my Fantasy Football teams.
But we're back, because there is new blood to talk about. This month we are talking with the Human Rain Delay, aka The Mailman, aka Captain Colon. It's not every day that someone can have 12 different personalities and not be considered deranged. But therein lies the mystery and stigma of this man- his personality is directly tied to the amount of cocktails he has consumed.
A probationary CS member, HRD has disgusted, appalled, fascinated, intrigued, entertained, loved, and verbally abused every member of Club Sub, often at the same time. His poker games are legendary. His poker skills are not.
He is the proud owner of a really terrible Fantasy Football franchise, dubbed "The Captain Morgan Men". What kind of name for a team is that? Was "The Cockjockeys" taken? Might as well have called them "The Midori Sours".
We bought him a Captain and Diet to more effectively pick his brain.
ClubSub: How does it feel to be a probationary member of Club Sub?
Human Rain Delay: Dildo!
CS: Uh-huh. And does the affiliation with this fine organization affect your standing in social circles?
HRD: Go fuck your face!
CS: I see. Any news on whether or not you will ever be a full-fledged member?
HRD: Bitches!
CS: Gotcha. Let's talk about the....Sir, wake up...Sir? SIR?!?!
HRD: (groggy) sadglgewhhcmmmm ....ttsppp .....boobs.... Cowboys.... Yankees.... fhffhhghfhfhgh.... Whoa! hooollleee ss.... 17 dollars? whatatehgshkdf.....
CS: (to HRD's assistant) Maybe we should do this another time...
HRD: (waking up) Negative, sir. I have not yet had the opportunity to refute your argument. In Parliamentary circles, I am awarded the privilege of a counterpoint. I find your perception, while certainly not without its merits, to be specious and incendiary, and I demand the courtesy of a rebutt.
CS: Wow...OK, fire away.
HRD: You're a fuckin homo. Get me a drink.
CS: What would being a full-fledged member of Club Sub mean to you?
HRD: It would mean....It would mean..EVERYTHING to me...I never had....I mean, I've had some friends, but never....I would be accepted, you know? To be a part of something so big, and so, new, and....It would just mean the world to me. It really would.
CS: That's beautiful. I never had any idea you were this insightful.
HRD: Well, you're a douche.
CS: Touche'. At any rate, do you have anything to say to DaPrez, who holds your Club Sub fate in his hands?
HRD: Dildo!
CS: Uh-huh. And would you like to say anything to the other members, who hold much more influence than you think over DaPrez?
HRD: Go fuck your face!
CS: I see. Now let's talk about the Yankees. Clearly a shell of their former self, do you think...
HRD: This interview is over, Bitches! (Flips Mud's poker table over)
But we're back, because there is new blood to talk about. This month we are talking with the Human Rain Delay, aka The Mailman, aka Captain Colon. It's not every day that someone can have 12 different personalities and not be considered deranged. But therein lies the mystery and stigma of this man- his personality is directly tied to the amount of cocktails he has consumed.
A probationary CS member, HRD has disgusted, appalled, fascinated, intrigued, entertained, loved, and verbally abused every member of Club Sub, often at the same time. His poker games are legendary. His poker skills are not.
He is the proud owner of a really terrible Fantasy Football franchise, dubbed "The Captain Morgan Men". What kind of name for a team is that? Was "The Cockjockeys" taken? Might as well have called them "The Midori Sours".
We bought him a Captain and Diet to more effectively pick his brain.
ClubSub: How does it feel to be a probationary member of Club Sub?
Human Rain Delay: Dildo!
CS: Uh-huh. And does the affiliation with this fine organization affect your standing in social circles?
HRD: Go fuck your face!
CS: I see. Any news on whether or not you will ever be a full-fledged member?
HRD: Bitches!
CS: Gotcha. Let's talk about the....Sir, wake up...Sir? SIR?!?!
HRD: (groggy) sadglgewhhcmmmm ....ttsppp .....boobs.... Cowboys.... Yankees.... fhffhhghfhfhgh.... Whoa! hooollleee ss.... 17 dollars? whatatehgshkdf.....
CS: (to HRD's assistant) Maybe we should do this another time...
HRD: (waking up) Negative, sir. I have not yet had the opportunity to refute your argument. In Parliamentary circles, I am awarded the privilege of a counterpoint. I find your perception, while certainly not without its merits, to be specious and incendiary, and I demand the courtesy of a rebutt.
CS: Wow...OK, fire away.
HRD: You're a fuckin homo. Get me a drink.
CS: What would being a full-fledged member of Club Sub mean to you?
HRD: It would mean....It would mean..EVERYTHING to me...I never had....I mean, I've had some friends, but never....I would be accepted, you know? To be a part of something so big, and so, new, and....It would just mean the world to me. It really would.
CS: That's beautiful. I never had any idea you were this insightful.
HRD: Well, you're a douche.
CS: Touche'. At any rate, do you have anything to say to DaPrez, who holds your Club Sub fate in his hands?
HRD: Dildo!
CS: Uh-huh. And would you like to say anything to the other members, who hold much more influence than you think over DaPrez?
HRD: Go fuck your face!
CS: I see. Now let's talk about the Yankees. Clearly a shell of their former self, do you think...
HRD: This interview is over, Bitches! (Flips Mud's poker table over)
Saturday, September 06, 2008
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Mud's 1st Annual Club Sub Fantasy Football Preview
Well, it's that time of year again, folks....The NFL season is upon us, which means that the Club Sub Fantasy Football League gets under way. I have decided that a preview is in order.
Here's Mud's take on the clubs. Remember, this is not my opinion- this is FACT, baby.
In alphabetical order....
CAPTAIN MORGAN MEN: Kept Torry Holt. Seriously, what else do you need to know? Oh, here's what else- his starting running backs are all backups (except for Maroney, who will be a backup by week 6). Strong receiving corps, with the exception of Javon Walker, who can't drink too much water without sprouting a leak due to the 412 stab wounds he suffered in Vegas. Oh, and as recently as a week ago he was seriously considering retirement.
Projected finish: 12th.
Sleeper: Darren Sproles. This choice almost got this probationary member kicked out of Club Sub. Look for big things from Sproles, especially when LaDanian Tomlinson gets benched by week 2.
Question mark: Will the guy who stabbed Javon Walker finish the job this year?
Club Sub Convicts: His week 1 starting lineup has first names of Donovan, Willis, LenDale, Marques, Jerricho, and Santana. And to round it out, Brandon, Nate, and Tony. Couple that with the fact that he can't stay off the bowl for more than 2 hours at a time and we see a rough year for the commish. However, I'm sure that he will bend the rules in his favor somehow as he does every year.
Projected Finish: 10th
Sleeper: Ted Ginn Jr. Is this guy a wideout or a partner in a law firm? I think a wideout. But seriously, drop the "Jr.". No one knows who "Ted Ginn Sr." is.
Question mark: Will the "roast the commish" feature each week spell doom?
DaPrez: Oh, boy- where do we start? LaDanian Tomlinson is due for a gruesome injury. Jamal Lewis is 62 years old, and has the emotional baggage of having been someone's bitch when he was in the joint. Ronnie Brown had his leg surgically reattached. And a potential savior, like Darren Sproles, is nowhere to be found. The glory days are over for DaPrez's administration. I don't see him defending this year.
Projected Finish: 7th
Sleeper: Jonathan Stewart. This guy is gonna be GOOOOD.
Question Mark: Tim Hightower could be a good one, but I don't think he'll perform well without Tacklebury, Mahoney, and Hooks.
Del's Destroyers: The strategy of not drafting a reasonable quarterback will sting. Ryan Grant will not get it done this year- not without a reliable passing game, and Aaron Rodgers didn't even get drafted. Also, he starts Greg Jennings...A shrewd move, considering that Green Bay's offense will suck this year. Seriously, was Del even at the draft, or was it the computer?
Projected Finish: 9th.
Sleeper: Ricky Williams: If he can stay off the herb, he could be a super pick. Or he could fall off the wagon and end up smoked out and eating Hostess cupcakes for 3 moths straight.
Question mark: How long before Willie Parker gets benched in favor of Rashard Mendenhall?
fat twins on bikes: Potential, potential, potential. This team could be dominant this year. Or they could suck out the joint. On paper, they are tops-good QBs, good RBs, decent wideouts. In reality, well, we'll see. This team's biggest issue is its owner.
Projected Finish: 2nd.
Sleeper: Rashard Mendenhall. Could end up the starter. Could end up fumbling one of his major organs away and dying. Only the Lord knows.
Question Mark: How long before this team gets ruined by a dubious trade?
Hot Corner: The combined age of his 3 satrting wideouts is 96 years old. Alge Crumpler's best days are behind him. The Pats D ain't what it used to be. And Marshawn Lynch could be going away for vehicular homicide. These, my friends, are not good things.
Projected Finish: 11th.
Sleeper: Thomas Jones. This guy is in line to have a big year with Favre in the backfield.
Question Mark: Who will he keep at the end of the year? His entire roster may be retiring.
The Battle of Jutland: All hail sweet youth! This team has the potential to go worst-to-first. This owner, clearly on a different intellectual plane from all of the other owners, fomented a revolution of youth that will hold this league in its clutches for the next 2 years. Or could render him into the basement yet again. A rigged draft lottery could spell doom.
Projected Finish: 1st.
Sleeper: All of them- Matt Forte, Kevin Smith, DeSean Jackson- Seriously.
Question Mark: The only thing that can stop this team is commissioner intervention, which is probably what will happen in. This league is as corrupt as the Teamsters in 1972.
The Clapp: An outstanding draft for the new guy, who really didn't have too much to work with. Truly made lemonade out of lemons. Palmer, Johnson, and Westbrook should be enough to alone carry this team into the playoffs. However, when Larry Johnson's legs fall off in week 7 and Brian Westbrook's Social Security kicks in, Clapp could be shit out of luck. But we think that this team can hold together and earn a playoff spot.
Projected Finish: 4th.
Sleeper: Matt Ryan. This guys is just what's needed at the QB position in ATL- a non-felon.
Question Mark: Rookie owner. Could potentially screw up his own team.
Fighting Amish: Solid core- goodQB, good RBs, decent wideouts. This all means nothing, as the players on this team are FRAGILE. Derek Anderson still sees double. Marvin Harrison has the left knee of a cadaver. Marion Barber gets his ass kicked every week. All of this adds up to a non-playoff berth for the contradictory pacifists.
Projected Finish: 8th.
Sleeper: Donnie Avery. First receiver chosen in last year's draft. Could end up like Hart Lee Dykes, though- shot at Shalimar.
Question Mark: Non Club Sub member. Karma's not on his side.
The Schemers: Looking at this team's Week 1 lineup...Things are not good. There's more Red Crosses here than in New Orleans 3 years ago. However, remove that factor and this team looks pretty good on paper. On paper.
Projected Finish: 5th.
Sleeper: Eddie Royal. Word on the street is that this guy has some skillz. That's right, skillz with a z.
Question Mark: Will a scathing roast of the commish result is some sort of score-tampering? I think so.
The Ward Boys: Well, well, well....Let's see how Adrian Peterson holds up...he was injured for a substantial amount of his college career....Big questions at receiver, other than Fitzie. Also, Darren McFadden has "bust" written all over him when teams realize that JaMarcus Russell isn't beating anybody and key on the run. Don't see this team making the playoffs. Also, minority owner That Guy is making a power move in the front office, so we suspect managerial discord for a team that thrives on unity.
Projected Finish: 6th.
Sleeper: Pierre Thomas. It's high time someone named "Pierre" made noise in the NFL.
Question Mark: Is Donald Driver all done? Stick a fork in that guy. That's what we think.
The Warriors: This team will sneak into the playoffs (as usual) and get smoked in the first round (as usual). We think that this team will rely too much on an Indianapolis offense that is not young anymore and is banged up (don't underestimate how much they will miss Jeff Saturday). However, they are STRONG at RB, which is half the battle in this league. That alone is enough to get them into the playoffs.
Projected Finish: 3rd
Sleeper: Felix Jones. I love the name "Felix". Love it, love it, LOVE IT.
Question Mark: Ownership has historically placed entirely too much stress on itself and panicked itself into moves that, in hindsight, sucked. Can ownership keep from going Mariah Carey and ENJOY this for what it's worth?
So there you have it folks. Good luck to all this season, and long live Club Sub.
And if you don't like anything I had to say here, feel free to blow it out your ass, as usual.
Mud out.
Here's Mud's take on the clubs. Remember, this is not my opinion- this is FACT, baby.
In alphabetical order....
CAPTAIN MORGAN MEN: Kept Torry Holt. Seriously, what else do you need to know? Oh, here's what else- his starting running backs are all backups (except for Maroney, who will be a backup by week 6). Strong receiving corps, with the exception of Javon Walker, who can't drink too much water without sprouting a leak due to the 412 stab wounds he suffered in Vegas. Oh, and as recently as a week ago he was seriously considering retirement.
Projected finish: 12th.
Sleeper: Darren Sproles. This choice almost got this probationary member kicked out of Club Sub. Look for big things from Sproles, especially when LaDanian Tomlinson gets benched by week 2.
Question mark: Will the guy who stabbed Javon Walker finish the job this year?
Club Sub Convicts: His week 1 starting lineup has first names of Donovan, Willis, LenDale, Marques, Jerricho, and Santana. And to round it out, Brandon, Nate, and Tony. Couple that with the fact that he can't stay off the bowl for more than 2 hours at a time and we see a rough year for the commish. However, I'm sure that he will bend the rules in his favor somehow as he does every year.
Projected Finish: 10th
Sleeper: Ted Ginn Jr. Is this guy a wideout or a partner in a law firm? I think a wideout. But seriously, drop the "Jr.". No one knows who "Ted Ginn Sr." is.
Question mark: Will the "roast the commish" feature each week spell doom?
DaPrez: Oh, boy- where do we start? LaDanian Tomlinson is due for a gruesome injury. Jamal Lewis is 62 years old, and has the emotional baggage of having been someone's bitch when he was in the joint. Ronnie Brown had his leg surgically reattached. And a potential savior, like Darren Sproles, is nowhere to be found. The glory days are over for DaPrez's administration. I don't see him defending this year.
Projected Finish: 7th
Sleeper: Jonathan Stewart. This guy is gonna be GOOOOD.
Question Mark: Tim Hightower could be a good one, but I don't think he'll perform well without Tacklebury, Mahoney, and Hooks.
Del's Destroyers: The strategy of not drafting a reasonable quarterback will sting. Ryan Grant will not get it done this year- not without a reliable passing game, and Aaron Rodgers didn't even get drafted. Also, he starts Greg Jennings...A shrewd move, considering that Green Bay's offense will suck this year. Seriously, was Del even at the draft, or was it the computer?
Projected Finish: 9th.
Sleeper: Ricky Williams: If he can stay off the herb, he could be a super pick. Or he could fall off the wagon and end up smoked out and eating Hostess cupcakes for 3 moths straight.
Question mark: How long before Willie Parker gets benched in favor of Rashard Mendenhall?
fat twins on bikes: Potential, potential, potential. This team could be dominant this year. Or they could suck out the joint. On paper, they are tops-good QBs, good RBs, decent wideouts. In reality, well, we'll see. This team's biggest issue is its owner.
Projected Finish: 2nd.
Sleeper: Rashard Mendenhall. Could end up the starter. Could end up fumbling one of his major organs away and dying. Only the Lord knows.
Question Mark: How long before this team gets ruined by a dubious trade?
Hot Corner: The combined age of his 3 satrting wideouts is 96 years old. Alge Crumpler's best days are behind him. The Pats D ain't what it used to be. And Marshawn Lynch could be going away for vehicular homicide. These, my friends, are not good things.
Projected Finish: 11th.
Sleeper: Thomas Jones. This guy is in line to have a big year with Favre in the backfield.
Question Mark: Who will he keep at the end of the year? His entire roster may be retiring.
The Battle of Jutland: All hail sweet youth! This team has the potential to go worst-to-first. This owner, clearly on a different intellectual plane from all of the other owners, fomented a revolution of youth that will hold this league in its clutches for the next 2 years. Or could render him into the basement yet again. A rigged draft lottery could spell doom.
Projected Finish: 1st.
Sleeper: All of them- Matt Forte, Kevin Smith, DeSean Jackson- Seriously.
Question Mark: The only thing that can stop this team is commissioner intervention, which is probably what will happen in. This league is as corrupt as the Teamsters in 1972.
The Clapp: An outstanding draft for the new guy, who really didn't have too much to work with. Truly made lemonade out of lemons. Palmer, Johnson, and Westbrook should be enough to alone carry this team into the playoffs. However, when Larry Johnson's legs fall off in week 7 and Brian Westbrook's Social Security kicks in, Clapp could be shit out of luck. But we think that this team can hold together and earn a playoff spot.
Projected Finish: 4th.
Sleeper: Matt Ryan. This guys is just what's needed at the QB position in ATL- a non-felon.
Question Mark: Rookie owner. Could potentially screw up his own team.
Fighting Amish: Solid core- goodQB, good RBs, decent wideouts. This all means nothing, as the players on this team are FRAGILE. Derek Anderson still sees double. Marvin Harrison has the left knee of a cadaver. Marion Barber gets his ass kicked every week. All of this adds up to a non-playoff berth for the contradictory pacifists.
Projected Finish: 8th.
Sleeper: Donnie Avery. First receiver chosen in last year's draft. Could end up like Hart Lee Dykes, though- shot at Shalimar.
Question Mark: Non Club Sub member. Karma's not on his side.
The Schemers: Looking at this team's Week 1 lineup...Things are not good. There's more Red Crosses here than in New Orleans 3 years ago. However, remove that factor and this team looks pretty good on paper. On paper.
Projected Finish: 5th.
Sleeper: Eddie Royal. Word on the street is that this guy has some skillz. That's right, skillz with a z.
Question Mark: Will a scathing roast of the commish result is some sort of score-tampering? I think so.
The Ward Boys: Well, well, well....Let's see how Adrian Peterson holds up...he was injured for a substantial amount of his college career....Big questions at receiver, other than Fitzie. Also, Darren McFadden has "bust" written all over him when teams realize that JaMarcus Russell isn't beating anybody and key on the run. Don't see this team making the playoffs. Also, minority owner That Guy is making a power move in the front office, so we suspect managerial discord for a team that thrives on unity.
Projected Finish: 6th.
Sleeper: Pierre Thomas. It's high time someone named "Pierre" made noise in the NFL.
Question Mark: Is Donald Driver all done? Stick a fork in that guy. That's what we think.
The Warriors: This team will sneak into the playoffs (as usual) and get smoked in the first round (as usual). We think that this team will rely too much on an Indianapolis offense that is not young anymore and is banged up (don't underestimate how much they will miss Jeff Saturday). However, they are STRONG at RB, which is half the battle in this league. That alone is enough to get them into the playoffs.
Projected Finish: 3rd
Sleeper: Felix Jones. I love the name "Felix". Love it, love it, LOVE IT.
Question Mark: Ownership has historically placed entirely too much stress on itself and panicked itself into moves that, in hindsight, sucked. Can ownership keep from going Mariah Carey and ENJOY this for what it's worth?
So there you have it folks. Good luck to all this season, and long live Club Sub.
And if you don't like anything I had to say here, feel free to blow it out your ass, as usual.
Mud out.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Club Sub Begins Minor League system: Here's our #1 Prospect
5-Year-Old Leaves Day Care, Goes to Hooters
DENTON, Texas -- Denton police say a child was able to sneak out of his day-care center without anyone noticing and take a perilous walk that ended at a Hooters restaurant.
The 5-year-old boy reportedly walked out of the Imagination Station day care in the 2300 block of San Jacinto Boulevard on Tuesday afternoon.
Police said he walked a long way in 100-degree heat crossing at least two busy streets.
He went to a Pep Boys, where he swiped some gum, according to a store worker. The boy then hiked to a RaceTrac gas station where he stole a soda, according to investigators.
His walk then led to a Hooters restaurant where employees gave him a coloring book and soda pop to drink and called police.
The child was not hurt and he was released to his father.
Imagination Station would not comment on the situation.
According to the Department of Family and Protective Services, the day care has had several violations including one in April in which inspectors determined that staff was not properly supervising the children.
The state agency is now investigating this case.
The 5-year-old boy reportedly walked out of the Imagination Station day care in the 2300 block of San Jacinto Boulevard on Tuesday afternoon.
Police said he walked a long way in 100-degree heat crossing at least two busy streets.
He went to a Pep Boys, where he swiped some gum, according to a store worker. The boy then hiked to a RaceTrac gas station where he stole a soda, according to investigators.
His walk then led to a Hooters restaurant where employees gave him a coloring book and soda pop to drink and called police.
The child was not hurt and he was released to his father.
Imagination Station would not comment on the situation.
According to the Department of Family and Protective Services, the day care has had several violations including one in April in which inspectors determined that staff was not properly supervising the children.
The state agency is now investigating this case.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
WTF????
Speak up
"The power couple is also responsible for inspiring so many other couples, including celebrity couples, to marry more than once. We are so happy to see so many people now choosing to marry multiple times, or renew their vows privately and publicly."
Ex-NBA player Doug Christie, who with wife Jackie, the self-proclaimed "power couple," were married for the 13th time July 8 in Seattle.
Club Sub asked the Christies if they were happy remarrying the same person so many times.
Doug replied, "It's the greatest thing I've ever done"
Seems to me that I've heard that before
Friday, May 30, 2008
Thursday, May 29, 2008
"Similar to History's 2nd worst pitch: a muscle bound wrestler from Florida named simply: "Gunderwood"
Hey Nice Car, Gunderwood!!!!!!!!
long standing plans to replace mailmen are now being implemented
Monkeys control a robot arm with thoughts
By Benedict Carey
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Two monkeys with tiny sensors in their brains have learned to control a mechanical arm with just their thoughts, using it to reach for and grab food and even to adjust for the size and stickiness of morsels when necessary, scientists reported on Wednesday.
The report, released online by the journal Nature, is the most striking demonstration to date of brain-machine interface technology. Scientists expect that technology will eventually allow people with spinal cord injuries and other paralyzing conditions to gain more control over their lives.
The findings suggest that brain-controlled prosthetics, while not practical, are at least technically within reach.
In previous studies, researchers showed that humans who had been paralyzed for years could learn to control a cursor on a computer screen with their brain waves and that nonhuman primates could use their thoughts to move a mechanical arm, a robotic hand, a robot on a treadmill or a small vehicle.
The new experiment goes a step further. In it, the monkeys' brains seem to have adopted the mechanical appendage as their own, refining its movement as it interacted with real objects in real time. The monkeys had their own arms gently restrained while they learned to use the added one.
Experts not involved with the study said the findings were likely to accelerate interest in human testing, especially given the need to treat head and spinal injuries in veterans returning from Iraq and Afghanistan.
"This study really pulls together all the pieces from earlier work and provides a clear demonstration of what's possible," said Dr. William Heetderks , director of the extramural science program at the National Institute of Biomedical Imaging and Bioengineering.
Dr. John Donoghue, director of the Institute of Brain Science at Brown University, said the new report was "important because it's the most comprehensive study showing how an animal interacts with complex objects, using only brain activity."
The researchers, from the University of Pittsburgh and Carnegie Mellon University, used monkeys partly because of their anatomical similarities to humans and partly because they are quick learners.
In the experiment, two macaques first used a joystick to gain a feel for the arm, which had shoulder joints, an elbow and a grasping claw with two mechanical fingers.
Then, just beneath the monkeys' skulls, the scientists implanted a grid about the size of a large freckle. It sat on the motor cortex, over a patch of cells known to signal arm and hand movements. The grid held 100 tiny electrodes, each connecting to a single neuron, its wires running out of the brain and to a computer.
The computer was programmed to analyze the collective firing of these 100 motor neurons, translate that sum into an electronic command and send it instantaneously to the arm, which was mounted flush with the left shoulder.
The scientists used the computer to help the monkeys move the arm at first, essentially teaching them with biofeedback.
After several days, the monkeys needed no help. They sat stationary in a chair, repeatedly manipulating the arm with their brain to reach out and grab grapes, marshmallows and other nuggets dangled in front of them. The snacks reached the mouths about two-thirds of the time — an impressive rate, compared with earlier work.
The monkeys learned to hold the grip open on approaching the food, close it just enough to hold the food and gradually loosen the grip when feeding.
On several occasions, a monkey kept its claw open on the way back, with the food stuck to one finger. At other times, a monkey moved the arm to lick the fingers clean or to push a bit of food into its mouth while ignoring a newly presented morsel.
The animals were apparently freelancing, discovering new uses for the arm, showing "displays of embodiment that would never be seen in a virtual environment," the researchers wrote.
"In the real world, things don't work as expected," said the senior author of the paper, Dr. Andrew Schwartz, a professor of neurobiology at the University of Pittsburgh. "The marshmallow sticks to your hand or the food slips, and you can't program a computer to anticipate all of that.
"But the monkeys' brains adjusted. They were licking the marshmallow off the prosthetic gripper, pushing food into their mouth, as if it were their own hand."
The co-authors were Meel Velliste, Sagi Perel, M. Chance Spalding and Andrew Whitford.
Scientists have to clear several hurdles before this technology becomes practical, experts said. Implantable electrode grids do not generally last more than a period of months, for reasons that remain unclear.
The equipment to read and transmit the signal can be cumbersome and in need of continual monitoring and recalibrating. And no one has yet demonstrated a workable wireless system that would eliminate the need for connections through the scalp.
Yet Schwartz's team, Donoghue's group and others are working on all of the problems, and the two macaques' rapid learning curve in taking ownership of a foreign limb gives scientists confidence that the main obstacles are technical and, thus, negotiable.
In an editorial accompanying the Nature study, Dr. John Kalaska, a neuroscientist at the University of Montreal, argued that after such bugs had been worked out, scientists might even discover areas of the cortex that allow more intimate, subtle control of prosthetic devices.
Such systems, Kalaska wrote, "would allow patients with severe motor deficits to interact and communicate with the world not only by the moment-to-moment control of the motion of robotic devices, but also in a more natural and intuitive manner that reflects their overall goals, needs and preferences."
By Benedict Carey
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Two monkeys with tiny sensors in their brains have learned to control a mechanical arm with just their thoughts, using it to reach for and grab food and even to adjust for the size and stickiness of morsels when necessary, scientists reported on Wednesday.
The report, released online by the journal Nature, is the most striking demonstration to date of brain-machine interface technology. Scientists expect that technology will eventually allow people with spinal cord injuries and other paralyzing conditions to gain more control over their lives.
The findings suggest that brain-controlled prosthetics, while not practical, are at least technically within reach.
In previous studies, researchers showed that humans who had been paralyzed for years could learn to control a cursor on a computer screen with their brain waves and that nonhuman primates could use their thoughts to move a mechanical arm, a robotic hand, a robot on a treadmill or a small vehicle.
The new experiment goes a step further. In it, the monkeys' brains seem to have adopted the mechanical appendage as their own, refining its movement as it interacted with real objects in real time. The monkeys had their own arms gently restrained while they learned to use the added one.
Experts not involved with the study said the findings were likely to accelerate interest in human testing, especially given the need to treat head and spinal injuries in veterans returning from Iraq and Afghanistan.
"This study really pulls together all the pieces from earlier work and provides a clear demonstration of what's possible," said Dr. William Heetderks , director of the extramural science program at the National Institute of Biomedical Imaging and Bioengineering.
Dr. John Donoghue, director of the Institute of Brain Science at Brown University, said the new report was "important because it's the most comprehensive study showing how an animal interacts with complex objects, using only brain activity."
The researchers, from the University of Pittsburgh and Carnegie Mellon University, used monkeys partly because of their anatomical similarities to humans and partly because they are quick learners.
In the experiment, two macaques first used a joystick to gain a feel for the arm, which had shoulder joints, an elbow and a grasping claw with two mechanical fingers.
Then, just beneath the monkeys' skulls, the scientists implanted a grid about the size of a large freckle. It sat on the motor cortex, over a patch of cells known to signal arm and hand movements. The grid held 100 tiny electrodes, each connecting to a single neuron, its wires running out of the brain and to a computer.
The computer was programmed to analyze the collective firing of these 100 motor neurons, translate that sum into an electronic command and send it instantaneously to the arm, which was mounted flush with the left shoulder.
The scientists used the computer to help the monkeys move the arm at first, essentially teaching them with biofeedback.
After several days, the monkeys needed no help. They sat stationary in a chair, repeatedly manipulating the arm with their brain to reach out and grab grapes, marshmallows and other nuggets dangled in front of them. The snacks reached the mouths about two-thirds of the time — an impressive rate, compared with earlier work.
The monkeys learned to hold the grip open on approaching the food, close it just enough to hold the food and gradually loosen the grip when feeding.
On several occasions, a monkey kept its claw open on the way back, with the food stuck to one finger. At other times, a monkey moved the arm to lick the fingers clean or to push a bit of food into its mouth while ignoring a newly presented morsel.
The animals were apparently freelancing, discovering new uses for the arm, showing "displays of embodiment that would never be seen in a virtual environment," the researchers wrote.
"In the real world, things don't work as expected," said the senior author of the paper, Dr. Andrew Schwartz, a professor of neurobiology at the University of Pittsburgh. "The marshmallow sticks to your hand or the food slips, and you can't program a computer to anticipate all of that.
"But the monkeys' brains adjusted. They were licking the marshmallow off the prosthetic gripper, pushing food into their mouth, as if it were their own hand."
The co-authors were Meel Velliste, Sagi Perel, M. Chance Spalding and Andrew Whitford.
Scientists have to clear several hurdles before this technology becomes practical, experts said. Implantable electrode grids do not generally last more than a period of months, for reasons that remain unclear.
The equipment to read and transmit the signal can be cumbersome and in need of continual monitoring and recalibrating. And no one has yet demonstrated a workable wireless system that would eliminate the need for connections through the scalp.
Yet Schwartz's team, Donoghue's group and others are working on all of the problems, and the two macaques' rapid learning curve in taking ownership of a foreign limb gives scientists confidence that the main obstacles are technical and, thus, negotiable.
In an editorial accompanying the Nature study, Dr. John Kalaska, a neuroscientist at the University of Montreal, argued that after such bugs had been worked out, scientists might even discover areas of the cortex that allow more intimate, subtle control of prosthetic devices.
Such systems, Kalaska wrote, "would allow patients with severe motor deficits to interact and communicate with the world not only by the moment-to-moment control of the motion of robotic devices, but also in a more natural and intuitive manner that reflects their overall goals, needs and preferences."
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Drunkology
The History of Drunks
Drunkology is the study of the history of drunks. A burgeoning field, it is
now taught at some of the finer institutions in the US, led by Johnson and
Wales. Recently, 60 minutes found a student in one of these "classes", who
is also a member of the secretive Club sub organization, and interviewed
him in order to learn about drunkology and put some recent Club Sub events
in perspective. Here is the interview with that member, who prefers to be
called "Deep Drunk"
1. Reporter: "Deep Drunk: what did you learn most about your experience?"
Deep drunk: "JWU kids smoke tons of weed."
2. Reporter: "Well beyond that, what did you learn about drunkology?"
Deep Drunk: "Oh that. Pretty interesting. I learned about the forms of
drunkenness, and some famous celebrities who fit those descriptions. For
example, under the "happy drunk" profile, ie those people who get happier
and friendlier when drunk, you have such historical luminaries as, well
actually none come to mind right now. Oh yes Nixon, was a happy drunk."
Reporter: "Nixon?
Deep Drunk: "Yes, keep in mind its "happier than they usually were" Other
examples of happy drunks include Priests, Mayor Cicilline, and every gay man
as well. And ARod. The second category are "mean drunks" These are
personalities prone to get meaner with alcohol. Generally this includes
Doctors, Senators, Lesbians and Athletes. Classic studies include: Dr Ruth,
Ted Kennedy and Ellen Degeneres. From the sports world, Billy Martin, the
Mick, Whitey Ford, Lou Pinella, actually the entire Yankee franchise except
for A Rod. Also Dustin Diamond and Sherman Helmsley, were notorious mean
drunks."
Reporter: "You mean Screech and Mr Jefferson?"
Deep Drunk: That's right, in fact Sherman came up with the name Wheezy in a
drunken stupor after drinking 3 bottles of malt liquor, in which he blamed
her for falling ratings and is alleged to have said: "if you don't get in
shape and quit smoking, I'll fire your wheezin ass."
Reporter: " Wow, interesting. Any other observations?"
Deep Drunk: "Yes we also learned about the little known 3rd chromosome that
creates the worst kind of drunk, and we learned the typical profile of that
person."
Reporter: "Please go on, I'm fascinated by the absurdity of this"
Deep Drunk: "The 3rd chromosome is known as the "doom" chromosome. It
strikes about 1 out of 1000 people, though interestingly enough 1 out of 10
Yankee fans and 1 out of 3 postal workers."
Reporter: "My God what would happen if a yankee fan was a postal worker?"
Deep Drunk: "Well we see the results of that constantly whether its the
random post office massacre ie. the phrase "going postal" or the Yankee fan
who "falls" onto the field from the upper balcony.
Reporter: "Interesting and yet good for society. Now what traits do these
people posses?"
Deep Drunk: "Well very similar traits in fact. They are generally front
runners, they like winners like the Cowboys, Yankees, and the Republican
Party. Also they prefer repetitive tasks which is why they are often
fisherman, mailman, chronic masturbators, or sometimes all three. They tend
to be a bit unhappy on the home front, preferring the "good old" days,
though no one is quite sure those days were actually that good.
Reporter: " So could you explain quickly, as my train is coming in and this
is getting tedious, what happens when the "doom" chromosome gets drunk?"
Deep Drunk: "Yes, let me point to some historical events to put this in
context. Lee Harvey Oswald: Cowboy fan, bookstore worker, republican, gets
drunk and kills a president. Bill Parcells, cowboy fan, coach, republican,
gets drunk and throws the Pats superbowl vs the Packers. Ted Kazinsky, aka
the Unabomber, Laker fan, chronic masturbator, fly fisherman, ultra
Republican, gets drunk and blows things up......thru the post office!.
Reverend Wright, Yankee fan, preacher, gets so drunk one day he wakes up and
thinks he's a Republican and attempts to destroy Obama. In Club sub we see
some parallels. Teaching, a repetitive task if there ever was one, is a
breeding ground for "doom" We see some epic doomed decisions from this
crowd. How about the President buying a horse and keeping it indoors, then
telling everyone its actually a dog. And those shirts "that guy" wears. Or
the fact that some members have negative credit scores. Or the fact that one
member hasn't seen a doctor since he was 7, because the last time he went he
got a thermometer in "the bad place" Or the fact that one member bought a
house with a hole in the backyard the size of Rosie Odonnell's vageen. Or
the fact that one member fled to Canada on fears he'd be drafted for this
Iraq war, he's 36. Or the fact that one ex member calls himself Ypac and
claims that Tom Cruise is of mixed Asian decent. Or Yung Flanagan running a
pass route into the pavement. But of all those epic cases of the doom
chromosome causing bad decisions, by far the worst recurring case can be
seen in the Human Rain Delay (HRD). The HRD is worse than Mantle, Mr Jefferson and
Oswald combined. He is rumored to have used his gratuitous phrase "go fuck
your face" at parent teacher night, communion, and a Hanna Montana concert.
His displays at poker tournaments are equally shameful. He is known to show
the whole table his cards, yet still make a bet, because "no one knows what
I'm thinking though". He drinks Scotch in quantities that would make Dudley
Moore cringe. He gets over emotional and crosses into the gay ecstasy zone
of let me hug and kiss you even though you're a guy. He slows down to sloth
type speed, a speed so slow it makes other postal workers envious. He
constantly checks his phone as it blasts the ring tone to Kashmir, though no
one is quite sure who's calling a mailman at 2:00 am on a Saturday night.
Reporter: " Wow well how do you combat that annoying, hideous, farm animal,
hope my kids don't turn out that way but my sister in law's do, type
behavior?"
Deep Drunk: "Well first of all we combat it by only seeing him 4 times a
year, it takes about 3 months to recover. Secondly we combated it by
maintaining a very high entrance exam for his potential admission to club
sub. You know the senior leadership council is often criticized for not
maintaining the same entrance standards for each member. For example one
recent member "just" had to go a day without eating burger king (though for
this member this was actually a herculean task). Whereas HRD's hurdle would
appear to be higher. However after all we've just discussed on his doom
chromosome, which by the way is a recessive gene, what better entrance exam
than to prevent any further Doom carriers to populate the earth.
Reporter: "Wait are you saying what I think you're saying?"
Deep Drunk: "Yes, his entrance exam was to get a vasectomy."
Reporter: "And there you have it folks, drunkology, its current forms,
traits, and a frightening secretive cult type organization that requires a
vasectomy to enter. However uncivilized, archaic or barbaric that may seem,
I must say that in this case, its probably deserved because frankly, that
HRD sounds like a big douche bag.
I'm Ed Bradley signing off for 60 minutes and yes I'm dead and that old man
Mike Wallace outlived me. He drinks the blood of young puppies I tell you!
Drunkology is the study of the history of drunks. A burgeoning field, it is
now taught at some of the finer institutions in the US, led by Johnson and
Wales. Recently, 60 minutes found a student in one of these "classes", who
is also a member of the secretive Club sub organization, and interviewed
him in order to learn about drunkology and put some recent Club Sub events
in perspective. Here is the interview with that member, who prefers to be
called "Deep Drunk"
1. Reporter: "Deep Drunk: what did you learn most about your experience?"
Deep drunk: "JWU kids smoke tons of weed."
2. Reporter: "Well beyond that, what did you learn about drunkology?"
Deep Drunk: "Oh that. Pretty interesting. I learned about the forms of
drunkenness, and some famous celebrities who fit those descriptions. For
example, under the "happy drunk" profile, ie those people who get happier
and friendlier when drunk, you have such historical luminaries as, well
actually none come to mind right now. Oh yes Nixon, was a happy drunk."
Reporter: "Nixon?
Deep Drunk: "Yes, keep in mind its "happier than they usually were" Other
examples of happy drunks include Priests, Mayor Cicilline, and every gay man
as well. And ARod. The second category are "mean drunks" These are
personalities prone to get meaner with alcohol. Generally this includes
Doctors, Senators, Lesbians and Athletes. Classic studies include: Dr Ruth,
Ted Kennedy and Ellen Degeneres. From the sports world, Billy Martin, the
Mick, Whitey Ford, Lou Pinella, actually the entire Yankee franchise except
for A Rod. Also Dustin Diamond and Sherman Helmsley, were notorious mean
drunks."
Reporter: "You mean Screech and Mr Jefferson?"
Deep Drunk: That's right, in fact Sherman came up with the name Wheezy in a
drunken stupor after drinking 3 bottles of malt liquor, in which he blamed
her for falling ratings and is alleged to have said: "if you don't get in
shape and quit smoking, I'll fire your wheezin ass."
Reporter: " Wow, interesting. Any other observations?"
Deep Drunk: "Yes we also learned about the little known 3rd chromosome that
creates the worst kind of drunk, and we learned the typical profile of that
person."
Reporter: "Please go on, I'm fascinated by the absurdity of this"
Deep Drunk: "The 3rd chromosome is known as the "doom" chromosome. It
strikes about 1 out of 1000 people, though interestingly enough 1 out of 10
Yankee fans and 1 out of 3 postal workers."
Reporter: "My God what would happen if a yankee fan was a postal worker?"
Deep Drunk: "Well we see the results of that constantly whether its the
random post office massacre ie. the phrase "going postal" or the Yankee fan
who "falls" onto the field from the upper balcony.
Reporter: "Interesting and yet good for society. Now what traits do these
people posses?"
Deep Drunk: "Well very similar traits in fact. They are generally front
runners, they like winners like the Cowboys, Yankees, and the Republican
Party. Also they prefer repetitive tasks which is why they are often
fisherman, mailman, chronic masturbators, or sometimes all three. They tend
to be a bit unhappy on the home front, preferring the "good old" days,
though no one is quite sure those days were actually that good.
Reporter: " So could you explain quickly, as my train is coming in and this
is getting tedious, what happens when the "doom" chromosome gets drunk?"
Deep Drunk: "Yes, let me point to some historical events to put this in
context. Lee Harvey Oswald: Cowboy fan, bookstore worker, republican, gets
drunk and kills a president. Bill Parcells, cowboy fan, coach, republican,
gets drunk and throws the Pats superbowl vs the Packers. Ted Kazinsky, aka
the Unabomber, Laker fan, chronic masturbator, fly fisherman, ultra
Republican, gets drunk and blows things up......thru the post office!.
Reverend Wright, Yankee fan, preacher, gets so drunk one day he wakes up and
thinks he's a Republican and attempts to destroy Obama. In Club sub we see
some parallels. Teaching, a repetitive task if there ever was one, is a
breeding ground for "doom" We see some epic doomed decisions from this
crowd. How about the President buying a horse and keeping it indoors, then
telling everyone its actually a dog. And those shirts "that guy" wears. Or
the fact that some members have negative credit scores. Or the fact that one
member hasn't seen a doctor since he was 7, because the last time he went he
got a thermometer in "the bad place" Or the fact that one member bought a
house with a hole in the backyard the size of Rosie Odonnell's vageen. Or
the fact that one member fled to Canada on fears he'd be drafted for this
Iraq war, he's 36. Or the fact that one ex member calls himself Ypac and
claims that Tom Cruise is of mixed Asian decent. Or Yung Flanagan running a
pass route into the pavement. But of all those epic cases of the doom
chromosome causing bad decisions, by far the worst recurring case can be
seen in the Human Rain Delay (HRD). The HRD is worse than Mantle, Mr Jefferson and
Oswald combined. He is rumored to have used his gratuitous phrase "go fuck
your face" at parent teacher night, communion, and a Hanna Montana concert.
His displays at poker tournaments are equally shameful. He is known to show
the whole table his cards, yet still make a bet, because "no one knows what
I'm thinking though". He drinks Scotch in quantities that would make Dudley
Moore cringe. He gets over emotional and crosses into the gay ecstasy zone
of let me hug and kiss you even though you're a guy. He slows down to sloth
type speed, a speed so slow it makes other postal workers envious. He
constantly checks his phone as it blasts the ring tone to Kashmir, though no
one is quite sure who's calling a mailman at 2:00 am on a Saturday night.
Reporter: " Wow well how do you combat that annoying, hideous, farm animal,
hope my kids don't turn out that way but my sister in law's do, type
behavior?"
Deep Drunk: "Well first of all we combat it by only seeing him 4 times a
year, it takes about 3 months to recover. Secondly we combated it by
maintaining a very high entrance exam for his potential admission to club
sub. You know the senior leadership council is often criticized for not
maintaining the same entrance standards for each member. For example one
recent member "just" had to go a day without eating burger king (though for
this member this was actually a herculean task). Whereas HRD's hurdle would
appear to be higher. However after all we've just discussed on his doom
chromosome, which by the way is a recessive gene, what better entrance exam
than to prevent any further Doom carriers to populate the earth.
Reporter: "Wait are you saying what I think you're saying?"
Deep Drunk: "Yes, his entrance exam was to get a vasectomy."
Reporter: "And there you have it folks, drunkology, its current forms,
traits, and a frightening secretive cult type organization that requires a
vasectomy to enter. However uncivilized, archaic or barbaric that may seem,
I must say that in this case, its probably deserved because frankly, that
HRD sounds like a big douche bag.
I'm Ed Bradley signing off for 60 minutes and yes I'm dead and that old man
Mike Wallace outlived me. He drinks the blood of young puppies I tell you!
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Club Sub NBA Tourney
Member Team Record
Hitman-
Boston 16-10
Toronto 1-4
Dallas 1-4
TOTAL WINS= 18-18
DaPrez-
Lakers 14-7
Orlando 5-5
Washington 2-4
TOTAL WINS= 21-16
Yung Flanigan-
Detroit 10-7
Cleveland 7-6
Houston 2-4
TOTAL WINS = 19-17
That Guy-
NO 7-6
Utah 6-6
Philly 2-4
TOTAL WINS = 15-16
Scheemer-
San Antonio 9-8
Phoenix 1-4
Denver 0-4
TOTAL WINS = 10-16
Hitman-
Boston 16-10
Toronto 1-4
Dallas 1-4
TOTAL WINS= 18-18
DaPrez-
Lakers 14-7
Orlando 5-5
Washington 2-4
TOTAL WINS= 21-16
Yung Flanigan-
Detroit 10-7
Cleveland 7-6
Houston 2-4
TOTAL WINS = 19-17
That Guy-
NO 7-6
Utah 6-6
Philly 2-4
TOTAL WINS = 15-16
Scheemer-
San Antonio 9-8
Phoenix 1-4
Denver 0-4
TOTAL WINS = 10-16
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Club Sub notes the top 10 Principles of Chili's restaurants
Top 10:
1. We will deliver bad food, slowly
2. Smells bad tastes worse, its the fajita!
3. The customer always comes first, unless we're involved in a really good conversation.
4. The male staff members would like to stab u with their member.
5. The tv's will be perfectly viewable from precisely one seat.
6. Speak softly, because staff will be eavesdropping
7. The ratio of employees to customers is surprisingly high given how poor our service is.
8. The manager is always a middle aged underachiever, with a headset on. It is unplugged.
9. There aren't many rules at Chili's, but entering thru the takeout door is
strictly prohibited.
10. All of this outweighed by free chips and salsa, which make us come back.
1. We will deliver bad food, slowly
2. Smells bad tastes worse, its the fajita!
3. The customer always comes first, unless we're involved in a really good conversation.
4. The male staff members would like to stab u with their member.
5. The tv's will be perfectly viewable from precisely one seat.
6. Speak softly, because staff will be eavesdropping
7. The ratio of employees to customers is surprisingly high given how poor our service is.
8. The manager is always a middle aged underachiever, with a headset on. It is unplugged.
9. There aren't many rules at Chili's, but entering thru the takeout door is
strictly prohibited.
10. All of this outweighed by free chips and salsa, which make us come back.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Redacted/Retracted, either way Mailman’s candidacy for Club Sub on the rocks, Delegates Split
RI- News from this small irrelevant state, a split in the Club Sub Super Delegates has seriously hampered the candidacy of the Mailman, i.e. Newman, i.e Clavine, i.e Monkey Work. Four Super delegates, previously have split 2-2 on whether to continue to allow the Mailman to shirk his responsibilities for his initiation.
Said the VP: this is all under the guise of his new “baby”, however we all know he and his wife don’t sleep together. The fact that this baby likes soccer, plays poker poorly and talks with a fake English accent also has me wondering.”
The Schemer took a different view, saying, “this is not dissimilar to the Beer Hall Putsch in Nazi
The President: could not be reached for comment as he’s currently breast feeding his dog, taking the gall bladder out of his baby, and house training his wife, or something like that.
The Hitman: also could not be reached as he’s been sick now for 17 straight years, however he is hoping to “ drink his way out of it on Friday”
Meanwhile, other shocking developments in the scandal have arisen. Footage of the Mailman’s alleged Spiritual Advisor, only known as The Mayo, has appeared on You tube. The footage appears to show an inebriated Mayo breaking into the Roger Williams Zoo, and then videotaping a comparison of his member with a number of different zoological creatures. He was quoted as saying: “Monkeys, Lions, those things that are half sheep half goat, I’ve got them all beat, but who would have known that Old security guard was so well hung”.
Additionally his anti club sub rhetoric was also taped. Comments included:
- “Club sub brought miller lite into the inner cities and ghettos. Think about it, who benefits?”
- “Club Sub poker players are greedy loud mouth idiots who will play anything at any time.”
- “I can live on Rice a Roni and Vodka, can’t you ?”
Breaking news: the Mailman has just been quoted as saying: “no more baby problems, I’m getting snipped”. The super delegates are now huddling. They’ve come out of conference……. It’s unamimous! He’s been thrown out pending further news!
Monday, January 28, 2008
Proud Papa Makes all of us his Bitches
Ho-hum. Just another day for the Terminator. Wife has a kid, he wins a poker tourney. This getting pretty damn boring.
"I never had any doubt about it," he says. "It was the best day of my week, that's for sure."
Hmm...How about the day when your daughter was born? It occurred in the past week.
"Well that was great obviously. But I mean in the Gregorian calendar week, which begins each week on Sundays. If we were going by fiscal week, then I would have to say it was the second best day of the week. But I don't think ClubSub goes by fiscal week. [ to Frank White] Do we go by fiscal week?"
"Do you even know what 'fiscal' means?" asks Frank.
Wordsmith or not, once again, the Terminator had to fend off a strong field, and for the second straight tourney, he was forced to face off with Mud heads-up for the cash and the bragging rights. However, a deal was brokered whereby Mud got his entry fee back. This type of deal is unusual for the champion, but since the format (winner take all) screws those who come in second, the recent winner of the V Classic was feeling charitable.
"I figured it was easier. I wouldn't have to hear him bitch and moan."
But the Terminator didn't realize what he was getting as part of the deal- he must now chase down Florida Boy for the $14 that he was unable to contribute due to Florida Boy's being located in Florida, and due to Florida Boy's legal troubles (he was named in the Mitchell report), so it's unlikely that the champ will ever see that $$.
The field fought hard- an aggressive blind structure (it appears that we finally have it figured out) was key in making this tournament flow quickly. First out was The Rat, who scared the bejesus out of all of us by going out in the yard to play catch (Rat has a fake leg, and he is not too stable on it).
Who did Rat play catch with? Read my newest feature:
"Mud's Bad Beat of the Day!"
This award goes to Da Prez. DaPrez pushed all in against The Schemer, and at the time, both players had pretty large stacks. Schemer did have him covered though, and called Da Prez's all-in. Da Prez had Rockets, Schemer had the fish hooks.
Flop was useless- no help to either. But Da Turn killed Da Prez. JACK. Schemer wins with trips, and we all won, 'cuz Da Prez went on tilt like you read about. The kids were sent outside, and Da Prez went on an obscenity tear that was quite impressive.
"&%$@@$%^*(^#@#@#^&$^#%#," said Da Prez. " sonuva$%^#$%^ slutbag."
After that, players began to fall more rapidly. Next to go was the host, Tilt, who put out an impressive spread with excellent sliders, fantastic meatballs & sauce, and enough Chex Mix to feed Europe for a couple of days. However, his cards weren't nearly as good, and out he went. Special thanks to Tilt for hosting and putting out the spread- excellent as usual.
Next out was That Guy, and it was unremarkable, as indicated by the fact that I can't remember who knocked him out. Just like That Guy...
Newest probationary member AC (he is so new that he does not have a title yet) went out next. He had a great hand, but was drawing dead and didn't know it...Poor bastard.
Hit Man was clipped next. Fortunately for him, a side game developed which allowed him to play cards and eat meatballs and gravy out of a cup for some reason (plates were available, butt lick!)
Finally the Schemer succumbed to the bad karma he created when he beat DaPrez. Beaten down by the blinds, he ended up being all in with 3-7 or some shitty hand like that...Fortunately, he has a big penis, which keeps him happy.
The final four gathered around the table. Sloppy kept telling everyone it was great that he was losing so that he could make his hockey game. He said it so much that WE ALL wanted to lose to go to his hockey game.....Or we just wanted him to leave, I'm not sure which...
Unfortunately for Mr. Gretzky here, JT fell next (Terminator got him), so Sloppy had to stick around for a bit...
But he soon went down to Terminator, who now had about 19,000 in chips. Mud, who had about 1,000 (which was the big blind), folded his way to the final two yet again.
What happened next was certainly quite odd...Mud, showing the business savvy that can only be described as "Mexican", sensed he held all of the bargaining power, and made an egregiously one-sided offer to Terminator. Here is how it came to pass that the final 2 were never dealt a hand.
"Tell you what," said Mud, making it sound like he was making a concession to Terminator, "You give me my $21 entry fee back and we will call it even."
Terminator, who was excited to get home to be with his family, agreed.
The lesson is this: Mud and Terminator, shall, under NO circumstances, ever be allowed to run a business, together or seperately, or make any kind of investment without assistance.
The final order:
11. Rat
10. Da Prez
9. Tilt
8. That Guy
7. AC
6. Hit Man
5. Schemer
4. JT
3. Sloppy
2. Mud
1. Terminator
And the Oscar goes to Andrew, who "injured" his ankle playing basketball and limped around the rest of the day. What was interesting was that he forgot which ankle he hurt from time to time, leading to him limping on different and/or both legs. We'll put it down to the shock, kid.
And sincere Congrats to Terminator and Mrs. Terminator on the birth of A.L.!!
All the best to the family.
Good night, and good luck.
"I never had any doubt about it," he says. "It was the best day of my week, that's for sure."
Hmm...How about the day when your daughter was born? It occurred in the past week.
"Well that was great obviously. But I mean in the Gregorian calendar week, which begins each week on Sundays. If we were going by fiscal week, then I would have to say it was the second best day of the week. But I don't think ClubSub goes by fiscal week. [ to Frank White] Do we go by fiscal week?"
"Do you even know what 'fiscal' means?" asks Frank.
Wordsmith or not, once again, the Terminator had to fend off a strong field, and for the second straight tourney, he was forced to face off with Mud heads-up for the cash and the bragging rights. However, a deal was brokered whereby Mud got his entry fee back. This type of deal is unusual for the champion, but since the format (winner take all) screws those who come in second, the recent winner of the V Classic was feeling charitable.
"I figured it was easier. I wouldn't have to hear him bitch and moan."
But the Terminator didn't realize what he was getting as part of the deal- he must now chase down Florida Boy for the $14 that he was unable to contribute due to Florida Boy's being located in Florida, and due to Florida Boy's legal troubles (he was named in the Mitchell report), so it's unlikely that the champ will ever see that $$.
The field fought hard- an aggressive blind structure (it appears that we finally have it figured out) was key in making this tournament flow quickly. First out was The Rat, who scared the bejesus out of all of us by going out in the yard to play catch (Rat has a fake leg, and he is not too stable on it).
Who did Rat play catch with? Read my newest feature:
"Mud's Bad Beat of the Day!"
This award goes to Da Prez. DaPrez pushed all in against The Schemer, and at the time, both players had pretty large stacks. Schemer did have him covered though, and called Da Prez's all-in. Da Prez had Rockets, Schemer had the fish hooks.
Flop was useless- no help to either. But Da Turn killed Da Prez. JACK. Schemer wins with trips, and we all won, 'cuz Da Prez went on tilt like you read about. The kids were sent outside, and Da Prez went on an obscenity tear that was quite impressive.
"&%$@@$%^*(^#@#@#^&$^#%#," said Da Prez. " sonuva$%^#$%^ slutbag."
After that, players began to fall more rapidly. Next to go was the host, Tilt, who put out an impressive spread with excellent sliders, fantastic meatballs & sauce, and enough Chex Mix to feed Europe for a couple of days. However, his cards weren't nearly as good, and out he went. Special thanks to Tilt for hosting and putting out the spread- excellent as usual.
Next out was That Guy, and it was unremarkable, as indicated by the fact that I can't remember who knocked him out. Just like That Guy...
Newest probationary member AC (he is so new that he does not have a title yet) went out next. He had a great hand, but was drawing dead and didn't know it...Poor bastard.
Hit Man was clipped next. Fortunately for him, a side game developed which allowed him to play cards and eat meatballs and gravy out of a cup for some reason (plates were available, butt lick!)
Finally the Schemer succumbed to the bad karma he created when he beat DaPrez. Beaten down by the blinds, he ended up being all in with 3-7 or some shitty hand like that...Fortunately, he has a big penis, which keeps him happy.
The final four gathered around the table. Sloppy kept telling everyone it was great that he was losing so that he could make his hockey game. He said it so much that WE ALL wanted to lose to go to his hockey game.....Or we just wanted him to leave, I'm not sure which...
Unfortunately for Mr. Gretzky here, JT fell next (Terminator got him), so Sloppy had to stick around for a bit...
But he soon went down to Terminator, who now had about 19,000 in chips. Mud, who had about 1,000 (which was the big blind), folded his way to the final two yet again.
What happened next was certainly quite odd...Mud, showing the business savvy that can only be described as "Mexican", sensed he held all of the bargaining power, and made an egregiously one-sided offer to Terminator. Here is how it came to pass that the final 2 were never dealt a hand.
"Tell you what," said Mud, making it sound like he was making a concession to Terminator, "You give me my $21 entry fee back and we will call it even."
Terminator, who was excited to get home to be with his family, agreed.
The lesson is this: Mud and Terminator, shall, under NO circumstances, ever be allowed to run a business, together or seperately, or make any kind of investment without assistance.
The final order:
11. Rat
10. Da Prez
9. Tilt
8. That Guy
7. AC
6. Hit Man
5. Schemer
4. JT
3. Sloppy
2. Mud
1. Terminator
And the Oscar goes to Andrew, who "injured" his ankle playing basketball and limped around the rest of the day. What was interesting was that he forgot which ankle he hurt from time to time, leading to him limping on different and/or both legs. We'll put it down to the shock, kid.
And sincere Congrats to Terminator and Mrs. Terminator on the birth of A.L.!!
All the best to the family.
Good night, and good luck.
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Another Epic "V" Classic
"There's only one place I'd rather be- French Lick."- Larry Legend
The Legend would have been proud. The greatest basketball player of all time was praised over and over as the V Classic continued to be one of the premier invitation-only poker events to be played on December 31 near the prisons. Players came from far and wide- some from as far away as East Providence- to test their mettle on the world's most difficult stage.
"Thank you all for coming. There is bakery pizza and cocktails on the counter," said the host, as players began to filter to their seats. "Once you are eliminated, you must shoot 10 free throws, and the person who makes the most out of 10 will receive a shitty prize," added big V.
This tournament has a history of strange things happening, such as Florida Boy and JT being the final 2, going heads-up last year. JT won in 2006, but '07 would be a tougher road to hoe, as he arrived late and was already damaged by the blinds by the time he sat down. The strangeness continued this year. One of the favorites going into the event, the Veep, was eliminated on the very first hand by That Guy. His trip nines couldn't overcome That Guy's trip Queens. Even more strangely, AC and DaPrez didn't really go on tilt at all today, disappointing the rest of the players, who were hoping for F bombs and cards flying around.
But a lot of the usual things happened- True to form, Sloppy brought a sack of Burger King and a gigantic Tim Horton's Iced Coffee, which he promptly spilled all over the place.
"What an asshole," said the host, while scurrying for paper towels, "but don't quote me." OK, we won't.
The Blind structure (blinds went up every 23 minutes, in honor of MJ) caused many players to deviate from their normal play. Tight play was not rewarded, and agressiveness ruled the day. After an hour of play, 4 players were already eliminated. And that was just the beginning.
While this was going on, a side game developed in the basement, on a ping-pong table. This was exactly what the doctor ordered for the Veep, as he was sitting with his thumb up his ass for a couple of hours and needed to find a way to win back his entry fee. Dealing was a challenge on this table, and after several hands, they realized they could take down the net. This streamlined play significantly.
Back to the tournament- About 2 hours in, the final table was decided. Those left were Big V, Lou D, DaPrez, Terminator, Mud, 'Lil Bastard, Joe G, and That Guy. It was at this point that the biggest single event in the history of poker occurred.
Faced with a short stack, Mud went all in with K-10 offsuit. Terminator called with an Ace. Terminator caught 2 pair on the flop, while Mud caught a King. Terminator had 2 pair, Mud had a pair of Kings. Mud needed runner-runner to stay alive. The turn? a King. The River? a 10. Full boat. Mud stayed alive. Terminator should have been sitting pretty, but was outdrawn, even though he was a huge favorite at that point. Fortunately, he had a big enough chip stack to survive it. And this would not be the last time that these two gladiators would square off.
Players continued to fall. DaPrez bowed out in 4th place, which was in the money- sort of. He won $28, even though the entry fee was $33 for a net loss of $5. However, 3 of the 4 money spots were claimed by Club Sub members- another good showing.
'Lil Bastard got knocked out by Mud, who became the chip leader, with only he and Terminator left to go heads-up for all of the marbles.
It was then that things got interesting. Both players had had several beers, and lost track of the blinds and the dealer button. In an effort to clarify things, Joe G (who had polished off a double bottle of Yellow Tail cabernet sauvignon) jumped in to assist with the dealing and promptly fucked everything up even worse, as his lower lip was purple and was a distraction. He looked (and acted) like he had just drank a whole lot of the grape Kool-Aid at Jonestown. Fortunately for all involved, V and also Mrs V would periodically show up and inform us we were doing it all wrong, and then leave. Most helpful.
The players and the inebriated dealer were able to fight thru this adversity, and, on a few different occasions, nearly struck a deal to chop the final winnings. But Terminator put the kibash on that.
Chips went back and forth. Each player became chip leader after every hand. Back and forth, forth and back. Topsy or turvy, turvy or topsy. Finally, Mud pushed all in and Terminator called. Terminator's hand held up- and it was over.
"This is the greatest poker victory of all time," said an obviously elated Terminator. "For me to fight thru adversity like that and not choke- I'm very proud of me."
So is Larry Legend.
Box Score:
Starting on Hearts Table: Lou, Rat, That Guy, Terminator, Veep, AC, 'Lil Bastard, DV
Satrting on Spades Table: V, Mud, DaPrez, BC, Sloppy, Clapp, Joe G, JT.
Final Table: Mud, V, Terminator, DaPrez, That Guy, 'Lil Bastard, Joe G, Lou D.
Final Placement:
16th- Veep
15th- DV
14th- BC
13th- Sloppy
12th- Rat
11th- JT
10th- Clap
9th- AC
8th- Lou D
7th- Big V
6th- That Guy
5th- Joe G
4th- DaPrez ($)
3rd- 'Lil Bastard ($)
2nd- Mud ($)
1st- Terminator ($)
$- indicates a finish in the money.
Free throws- DV, 7 for 10.
The Legend would have been proud. The greatest basketball player of all time was praised over and over as the V Classic continued to be one of the premier invitation-only poker events to be played on December 31 near the prisons. Players came from far and wide- some from as far away as East Providence- to test their mettle on the world's most difficult stage.
"Thank you all for coming. There is bakery pizza and cocktails on the counter," said the host, as players began to filter to their seats. "Once you are eliminated, you must shoot 10 free throws, and the person who makes the most out of 10 will receive a shitty prize," added big V.
This tournament has a history of strange things happening, such as Florida Boy and JT being the final 2, going heads-up last year. JT won in 2006, but '07 would be a tougher road to hoe, as he arrived late and was already damaged by the blinds by the time he sat down. The strangeness continued this year. One of the favorites going into the event, the Veep, was eliminated on the very first hand by That Guy. His trip nines couldn't overcome That Guy's trip Queens. Even more strangely, AC and DaPrez didn't really go on tilt at all today, disappointing the rest of the players, who were hoping for F bombs and cards flying around.
But a lot of the usual things happened- True to form, Sloppy brought a sack of Burger King and a gigantic Tim Horton's Iced Coffee, which he promptly spilled all over the place.
"What an asshole," said the host, while scurrying for paper towels, "but don't quote me." OK, we won't.
The Blind structure (blinds went up every 23 minutes, in honor of MJ) caused many players to deviate from their normal play. Tight play was not rewarded, and agressiveness ruled the day. After an hour of play, 4 players were already eliminated. And that was just the beginning.
While this was going on, a side game developed in the basement, on a ping-pong table. This was exactly what the doctor ordered for the Veep, as he was sitting with his thumb up his ass for a couple of hours and needed to find a way to win back his entry fee. Dealing was a challenge on this table, and after several hands, they realized they could take down the net. This streamlined play significantly.
Back to the tournament- About 2 hours in, the final table was decided. Those left were Big V, Lou D, DaPrez, Terminator, Mud, 'Lil Bastard, Joe G, and That Guy. It was at this point that the biggest single event in the history of poker occurred.
Faced with a short stack, Mud went all in with K-10 offsuit. Terminator called with an Ace. Terminator caught 2 pair on the flop, while Mud caught a King. Terminator had 2 pair, Mud had a pair of Kings. Mud needed runner-runner to stay alive. The turn? a King. The River? a 10. Full boat. Mud stayed alive. Terminator should have been sitting pretty, but was outdrawn, even though he was a huge favorite at that point. Fortunately, he had a big enough chip stack to survive it. And this would not be the last time that these two gladiators would square off.
Players continued to fall. DaPrez bowed out in 4th place, which was in the money- sort of. He won $28, even though the entry fee was $33 for a net loss of $5. However, 3 of the 4 money spots were claimed by Club Sub members- another good showing.
'Lil Bastard got knocked out by Mud, who became the chip leader, with only he and Terminator left to go heads-up for all of the marbles.
It was then that things got interesting. Both players had had several beers, and lost track of the blinds and the dealer button. In an effort to clarify things, Joe G (who had polished off a double bottle of Yellow Tail cabernet sauvignon) jumped in to assist with the dealing and promptly fucked everything up even worse, as his lower lip was purple and was a distraction. He looked (and acted) like he had just drank a whole lot of the grape Kool-Aid at Jonestown. Fortunately for all involved, V and also Mrs V would periodically show up and inform us we were doing it all wrong, and then leave. Most helpful.
The players and the inebriated dealer were able to fight thru this adversity, and, on a few different occasions, nearly struck a deal to chop the final winnings. But Terminator put the kibash on that.
Chips went back and forth. Each player became chip leader after every hand. Back and forth, forth and back. Topsy or turvy, turvy or topsy. Finally, Mud pushed all in and Terminator called. Terminator's hand held up- and it was over.
"This is the greatest poker victory of all time," said an obviously elated Terminator. "For me to fight thru adversity like that and not choke- I'm very proud of me."
So is Larry Legend.
Box Score:
Starting on Hearts Table: Lou, Rat, That Guy, Terminator, Veep, AC, 'Lil Bastard, DV
Satrting on Spades Table: V, Mud, DaPrez, BC, Sloppy, Clapp, Joe G, JT.
Final Table: Mud, V, Terminator, DaPrez, That Guy, 'Lil Bastard, Joe G, Lou D.
Final Placement:
16th- Veep
15th- DV
14th- BC
13th- Sloppy
12th- Rat
11th- JT
10th- Clap
9th- AC
8th- Lou D
7th- Big V
6th- That Guy
5th- Joe G
4th- DaPrez ($)
3rd- 'Lil Bastard ($)
2nd- Mud ($)
1st- Terminator ($)
$- indicates a finish in the money.
Free throws- DV, 7 for 10.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
