State of The Sub Address

Saturday August 29, 2009
9:22 pm
From the VP's Mansion

Before we begin, let's all bow our heads as Clap will lead us in a moment of silence. Clap take it away.
First, I would like to thank the VP, Frank White and his wife, for hosting this occasion in his huge house. Please don't disturb the 4 parties going on upstairs and the wedding going on downstairs.
Before we look back I'm going to give a State of the Sub in terms of Economic and Domestic policies.
First, on the economic front, your President, with all my financial savvy, unfortunately invested all Club Sub's money in sub prime, because I thought I was buying the world's biggest prime rib sub.
Now as you know, the economy continues to stumble, with very high unemployment. Kevin Badway, as an example, has really had a tough time finding work, apparently references from Hezbollah do not help your chances.
Club Sub believes very strongly in jumping onto the hottest industries, for example our recent forays into mail delivery and teaching at Catholic schools. Next, we plan on expanding our effort into typewriter sales. Now that said, unlike most organizations that plan on expanding, we don't plan on expanding, except of course at the waistline.
Now for insurance purposes, Club Sub needed to reduce our average age per member. Therefore, we inducted Big Sloppy, and we did lower our average age. Unfortunately our average life expectancy also shortened dramatically.
While on the topic of insurance, as members of Club Sub, you all get universal health coverage, which like the Obama plan includes mandatory euthanasia, and no Schemer that does not mean youths from Asia.
Now onto foreign and domestic policy.
President Obama believes we should be more willing to talk to our enemies, I agree, and I say "Hello Taco Bell"!
As you know, Club Sub believes in a male dominated society, males must be dominated by their wives. Speaking of which, I've asked the First Lady to weigh in on domestic policy. You'll note the Club Sub first lady is much like Michelle Obama, in that she believes in the right to bare bombs. But we would all do well to listen to her memorable words: "It takes an entire village to raise a Fuckin Child"!!!
Now we've finished our policy review, let's move onto reviewing the past and looking forward.
Looking back, it's quite amazing that no Club Sub member has yet died, however I wouldn't be buying any green bananas, and I'm talking to you Matt C.
We inducted many new members, including, Conca a belligerent drunk, who possibly joined the one organization more irrelevant than the post office.
It's clear that compared to 20 years ago, there have been a tremendous number of innovations in society. Yet many of these are new words in society but old to Club Sub. For example:
Twitter- The expression the Hitman gets after shitting a blueberry.
HD- Hide the Deaf people DaPrez is here.
Google- How many people Googs has screwed out of money.
Wireless- How the Hitman used to get out of bed.
Facebook- The effect of Mud reading a cookbook.
Cash For Clunkers- The money we used to pay the Wards to stop telling their stories.
Speaking of cash for clunkers, think about our shit boxes 20 years ago; we had the reliant K car, Mud's hooptie, the dodge omni, the buick regal, the hornet, and many other classics. We'd all be millionaires if Cash for Clunkers were around back then.
Now let's take a look forward. The next 20 years will all be about family; Family restaurants, Family buffet, and the Family guy.
We all look forward to gorging on food and drink, but enough about the football trip.
And hopefully we will induct some new members. To that end, today we are officially inducting two honorary members, in Matt C and Frank Sinatra. Matt went through the most rigorous initiation ever, in that he acquired cancer just to join. Much more difficult than grabbing tp off an empty bus, Big Sloppy. To Mr. Sinatra, we owe you a bit of gratitude for making boozing, smoking, carousing, and calling women broads acceptable. If you think about it, he's the Club Sub role model. By the way, Matt, could you please do us all a favor, and we mean this- please tell Frank "thank you" when you see him shortly.
And with that raise your glasses- To Matt, to Vegas 2011, and to CLUB SUB!!!!