Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Saturday, November 14, 2009
SAW VII (Jigsaw vs The November 9 IDIOTS)
Saw Part 7 just arrived in the movie theaters. Jigsaw in traditional fashion, sets out to kill the November 9 Idiots by having them each face their biggest sin. Here is a recap. Live or Die November 9.
1. Red Face Satan awoke bound to a tanning bed in North Providence. The twist, Red Faced Satan has to choose between having his skin dyed white ala Sammy Sosa style, and keep his eyes, or keep his tan and have the booth turned directly on to his eyes, the last part of him that aren't red, (except when he's drinking, so most of the time). Forced to choose, today Red Faced Satan is still tan, but is led around by a red Irish setter seeing eye dog named "Asshole Keith". When asked how blindness would affect his poker game, he said: "not at all, never looked at my cards before anyway, now watch your feet Asshole Keith’s gotta piss and I haven't had time to train the fuck yet. You know I neutered him myself, by the way-there’s some blood on your shoes."
2. APO 2,3, and 4.
The APO's awoke strapped to the conveyor belt at the Post office. For years they laughed at the mail, holding back magazines, important documents, and flyers from Grossmans Bargain Outlets. ( Holding back those flyers led to Home Depot and Lowe's growth and Grossman's demise, but thats another story. ) Now they must choose, deliver the mail on time, or lose their fingers, which were so instrumental in discarding mail. Today the brothers still work at the post office, but have to be driven around for their routes. Amazingly enough their “magt” ratio that the Post office keeps (mail actually gets there) improved, even though they are unable to open a mailbox or hold a letter.
5. Leyritz awoke strapped in the drivers seat of a taxi on a friday night in providence. He can choose to drive drunk fools around all night while remaining sober, or attending one social function to which he’s invited. Today Leyritz is still driving cab, noting that when passengers are really drunk, he can sometimes inhale their breathing for a second hand “air drink” high.
6. The brothers grim woke up on stage at Twin River with an audience full of people in the theater. Both brothers sat in a chair, with a microphone. The brothers however could not speak, as their mouths were taped shut. Their hands were tied as well, with one finger free. They could use this finger to press a button, Their decision: turn down an audience full of people on “open mike” night, or risk losing a dollar. Today the brother's recall the night they "brought down the house" telling stories with no ending, though complaining that they really could have used that dollar.
7. The Cancer Stick: since he already has cancer, it was hard for Jigsaw to really fuck with him. He got a pass.
8. Mr Spicoli, proud of both his weed smoking and genitalia, woke up at Narragansett beach, buried naked in sand up to his neck. Around him were kids everywhere, on his left and right sides, they disregarded his fake sand castle and trampled his giant “stay away someone’s here” towel. In front of his face, a giant bong with the world’s rarest and best grade weed. His decision, leave the hole, naked, in front of the kids, and take the bong. In doing so he’d never be able to return to the Narragansett beach again. Or he could wait till nightfall when the kids finally left, but by then the surf would have taken the bong out to sea. Today Mr Spicoli can be found on the beach at Lincoln woods, and can be seen on reruns of “To catch a predator” because hundreds of kids have scarred memories of a loud naked bronzed man with a pepperoni stick dangling between his legs furiously digging himself out of the sand.
> 9. “Fort Hood ain’t Nothin” awoke with a what he thought was a skull cap on, but was actually a yarmulke. His decision, to have the yarmulke permanently implanted into his scalp, or to stop harassing women. When offered this choice, Fort Hood stumped Jigsaw by choosing to die, which was not one of the options. Jigsaw then realized he had just been outwitted, and walked away muttering to himself.
1. Red Face Satan awoke bound to a tanning bed in North Providence. The twist, Red Faced Satan has to choose between having his skin dyed white ala Sammy Sosa style, and keep his eyes, or keep his tan and have the booth turned directly on to his eyes, the last part of him that aren't red, (except when he's drinking, so most of the time). Forced to choose, today Red Faced Satan is still tan, but is led around by a red Irish setter seeing eye dog named "Asshole Keith". When asked how blindness would affect his poker game, he said: "not at all, never looked at my cards before anyway, now watch your feet Asshole Keith’s gotta piss and I haven't had time to train the fuck yet. You know I neutered him myself, by the way-there’s some blood on your shoes."
2. APO 2,3, and 4.
The APO's awoke strapped to the conveyor belt at the Post office. For years they laughed at the mail, holding back magazines, important documents, and flyers from Grossmans Bargain Outlets. ( Holding back those flyers led to Home Depot and Lowe's growth and Grossman's demise, but thats another story. ) Now they must choose, deliver the mail on time, or lose their fingers, which were so instrumental in discarding mail. Today the brothers still work at the post office, but have to be driven around for their routes. Amazingly enough their “magt” ratio that the Post office keeps (mail actually gets there) improved, even though they are unable to open a mailbox or hold a letter.
5. Leyritz awoke strapped in the drivers seat of a taxi on a friday night in providence. He can choose to drive drunk fools around all night while remaining sober, or attending one social function to which he’s invited. Today Leyritz is still driving cab, noting that when passengers are really drunk, he can sometimes inhale their breathing for a second hand “air drink” high.
6. The brothers grim woke up on stage at Twin River with an audience full of people in the theater. Both brothers sat in a chair, with a microphone. The brothers however could not speak, as their mouths were taped shut. Their hands were tied as well, with one finger free. They could use this finger to press a button, Their decision: turn down an audience full of people on “open mike” night, or risk losing a dollar. Today the brother's recall the night they "brought down the house" telling stories with no ending, though complaining that they really could have used that dollar.
7. The Cancer Stick: since he already has cancer, it was hard for Jigsaw to really fuck with him. He got a pass.
8. Mr Spicoli, proud of both his weed smoking and genitalia, woke up at Narragansett beach, buried naked in sand up to his neck. Around him were kids everywhere, on his left and right sides, they disregarded his fake sand castle and trampled his giant “stay away someone’s here” towel. In front of his face, a giant bong with the world’s rarest and best grade weed. His decision, leave the hole, naked, in front of the kids, and take the bong. In doing so he’d never be able to return to the Narragansett beach again. Or he could wait till nightfall when the kids finally left, but by then the surf would have taken the bong out to sea. Today Mr Spicoli can be found on the beach at Lincoln woods, and can be seen on reruns of “To catch a predator” because hundreds of kids have scarred memories of a loud naked bronzed man with a pepperoni stick dangling between his legs furiously digging himself out of the sand.
> 9. “Fort Hood ain’t Nothin” awoke with a what he thought was a skull cap on, but was actually a yarmulke. His decision, to have the yarmulke permanently implanted into his scalp, or to stop harassing women. When offered this choice, Fort Hood stumped Jigsaw by choosing to die, which was not one of the options. Jigsaw then realized he had just been outwitted, and walked away muttering to himself.
The November 9 IDIOTS
The NOVEMBER 9 IDIOTS.
You’ve seen it on ESPN, now watch as it comes to a local nearly insolvent Portugese hall near you. It’s the NOVEMBER 9 IDIOTS. In 2 weeks a tournament will be held, and we’ll see, which of these 9 IDIOTS is knocked out first, or lasts until the first blind raise. Here they are:
1. They call him “RED FACE SATAN” even though that’s a bit repetitive. No one knows his last name or even how he got invited. Recently he doubled for George Hamilton at his funeral, and believes that tanning “is fuckin healthy for you” He may be the most dangerous man at the table because money truly means nothing to him, most likely because he doesn’t actually have any. He recently left the Dominican Republic less tan then when he got there.
2,3,4. APO #2,3,4. Much like a typical work day, at the poker table the APO’s (anonymous postal officers) are always a threat to exit early. The question is how many will show and whether they just throw the mail in the sewer or have enough money to stay for a cash game. They are interchangeable as no one really knows their names or anything about them, but they do all same the same crazed postal worker 1000 mile death stare into nothingness.
5. His nickame: Jim “even if I was drunk she made a driving mistake that caused me to hit her” Leyritz. He’s got more ankle bracelets then Cameron Diaz, yet somehow keeps his day job. The question is whether he shows up at all, and if so, in what state (literally it may not be RI). At this point prison provides peace and rest, and is looking pretty attractive.
6. The Brothers Grim : while never showing up at the same tournament, its always possible one of these odd fellows will exit early or bizarrely go very far. Either way you can be assured there will be a story about a bad beat. And then another one, and another one, and....
7. The Cancer Stick: if wasn’t for bad luck, hell this guy would take bad luck at this point. How in god’s name can he ever win. At least we get to hear some new stories, oh forgot nothing’s happened to him since 1989. In fact, that’s his new name: 1989!
8. Mr Spicoli: what do you call a 40 year old man who still smokes pot? Well in this case you don’t call him because he doesn’t have a cellphone. Intimidates by snotting up his cards. This and other antics lead to few of his friends being willing to admit that they are his friends. Tans as often as RED FACE SATAN, yet surprisingly doesn’t appear to be friendly with him.
9. “Fort Hood aint Nothin”: the only thing crazier than his beliefs is his card play. Has worked in so many hotels, he now has to open his own hotel just so he can hire himself to be the banquet director. Unfortunately, he still got fired at his own hotel for creating a "hostile work environment" when he allegedly told the manager: "hey tits come and eat my baclava", though he claims he literally did bring baclava to work that day, though he also admits he had eaten it all prior to his alleged statement. At the poker table it often appears that he literally may not know what the term “fold” means. Perhaps it’s an Arab word for “Jews are Great”
And there you have it Lon, the November 9 Idiots. Who will be out first, who will go to jail first, who will die first, who will commit a crime against humanity first, who will spawn a new species of red skinned humans first, who will attempt to legalize pot at a high school first, who will have a grainy video photo of themselves shown on the newswires first, how are any of these people employable, these questions and more make the November 9 Idiots worth watching, or worth never been associated with again.
You’ve seen it on ESPN, now watch as it comes to a local nearly insolvent Portugese hall near you. It’s the NOVEMBER 9 IDIOTS. In 2 weeks a tournament will be held, and we’ll see, which of these 9 IDIOTS is knocked out first, or lasts until the first blind raise. Here they are:
1. They call him “RED FACE SATAN” even though that’s a bit repetitive. No one knows his last name or even how he got invited. Recently he doubled for George Hamilton at his funeral, and believes that tanning “is fuckin healthy for you” He may be the most dangerous man at the table because money truly means nothing to him, most likely because he doesn’t actually have any. He recently left the Dominican Republic less tan then when he got there.
2,3,4. APO #2,3,4. Much like a typical work day, at the poker table the APO’s (anonymous postal officers) are always a threat to exit early. The question is how many will show and whether they just throw the mail in the sewer or have enough money to stay for a cash game. They are interchangeable as no one really knows their names or anything about them, but they do all same the same crazed postal worker 1000 mile death stare into nothingness.
5. His nickame: Jim “even if I was drunk she made a driving mistake that caused me to hit her” Leyritz. He’s got more ankle bracelets then Cameron Diaz, yet somehow keeps his day job. The question is whether he shows up at all, and if so, in what state (literally it may not be RI). At this point prison provides peace and rest, and is looking pretty attractive.
6. The Brothers Grim : while never showing up at the same tournament, its always possible one of these odd fellows will exit early or bizarrely go very far. Either way you can be assured there will be a story about a bad beat. And then another one, and another one, and....
7. The Cancer Stick: if wasn’t for bad luck, hell this guy would take bad luck at this point. How in god’s name can he ever win. At least we get to hear some new stories, oh forgot nothing’s happened to him since 1989. In fact, that’s his new name: 1989!
8. Mr Spicoli: what do you call a 40 year old man who still smokes pot? Well in this case you don’t call him because he doesn’t have a cellphone. Intimidates by snotting up his cards. This and other antics lead to few of his friends being willing to admit that they are his friends. Tans as often as RED FACE SATAN, yet surprisingly doesn’t appear to be friendly with him.
9. “Fort Hood aint Nothin”: the only thing crazier than his beliefs is his card play. Has worked in so many hotels, he now has to open his own hotel just so he can hire himself to be the banquet director. Unfortunately, he still got fired at his own hotel for creating a "hostile work environment" when he allegedly told the manager: "hey tits come and eat my baclava", though he claims he literally did bring baclava to work that day, though he also admits he had eaten it all prior to his alleged statement. At the poker table it often appears that he literally may not know what the term “fold” means. Perhaps it’s an Arab word for “Jews are Great”
And there you have it Lon, the November 9 Idiots. Who will be out first, who will go to jail first, who will die first, who will commit a crime against humanity first, who will spawn a new species of red skinned humans first, who will attempt to legalize pot at a high school first, who will have a grainy video photo of themselves shown on the newswires first, how are any of these people employable, these questions and more make the November 9 Idiots worth watching, or worth never been associated with again.
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