SAW VII (Jigsaw vs The November 9 IDIOTS)

Saw Part 7 just arrived in the movie theaters.  Jigsaw in traditional fashion, sets out to kill the November 9 Idiots by having them each face their biggest sin. Here is a recap.  Live or Die November 9.

1. Red Face Satan awoke bound to a tanning bed in North Providence.  The twist, Red Faced Satan has to choose between having his skin dyed white ala Sammy Sosa style, and keep his eyes, or keep his tan and have the booth turned directly on to his eyes, the last part of him that aren't red, (except when he's drinking, so most of the time). Forced to choose, today Red Faced Satan is still tan, but is led around by a red Irish setter seeing eye dog named "Asshole Keith".   When asked how blindness would affect his poker game, he said: "not at all, never looked at my cards before anyway, now watch your feet Asshole Keith’s gotta piss and I haven't had time to train the fuck yet. You know I neutered him myself, by the way-there’s some blood on your shoes."

2. APO 2,3, and 4.

The APO's awoke strapped to the conveyor belt at the Post office. For years they laughed at the mail, holding back magazines, important documents, and flyers from Grossmans Bargain Outlets. ( Holding back those flyers led to Home Depot and Lowe's growth and Grossman's demise, but thats another story. )  Now they must choose, deliver the mail on time, or lose their fingers, which were so instrumental in discarding mail. Today the brothers still work at the post office, but have to be driven around for their routes. Amazingly enough their  “magt” ratio that the Post office keeps (mail actually gets there) improved, even though they are unable to open a mailbox or hold a letter.

5. Leyritz awoke strapped in the drivers seat of a taxi on a friday night in providence. He can choose to drive drunk fools around all night while remaining sober, or attending one social function to which he’s invited. Today Leyritz is still driving cab, noting that when passengers are really drunk, he can sometimes inhale their breathing for a second hand “air drink” high. 

6. The brothers grim woke up on stage at Twin River with an audience full of people in the theater. Both brothers sat in a chair, with a microphone. The brothers however could not speak, as their mouths were taped shut.  Their hands were tied as well, with one finger free. They could use this finger to press a button, Their decision: turn down an audience full of people on “open mike” night, or risk losing a dollar.  Today the brother's recall the night they "brought down the house" telling stories with no ending, though complaining that they really could have used that dollar.


7. The Cancer Stick: since he already has cancer, it was hard for Jigsaw to really fuck with him.  He got a pass.


8. Mr Spicoli, proud of both his weed smoking and genitalia,  woke up  at Narragansett beach,  buried naked in sand up to his neck. Around him were kids everywhere,  on his left and right sides, they disregarded his fake sand castle and trampled his giant “stay away someone’s here” towel.  In front of his face, a giant bong with the world’s rarest and best grade weed.  His decision, leave the hole, naked, in front of the kids, and take the bong. In doing so he’d never be able to return to the Narragansett beach again. Or he could wait till nightfall when the kids finally left, but by then the surf would have taken the bong out to sea.  Today Mr Spicoli can be found on the beach at Lincoln woods, and can be seen on reruns of “To catch a predator” because  hundreds of kids have scarred memories of a loud naked bronzed man with a pepperoni stick dangling between his legs furiously digging himself out of the sand.


> 9.  “Fort Hood ain’t Nothin” awoke with a what he thought was a skull cap on, but was actually a yarmulke. His decision, to have the yarmulke permanently implanted into his scalp, or to stop harassing women. When offered this choice, Fort Hood stumped Jigsaw by choosing to die, which was not one of the options.  Jigsaw then realized he had just been outwitted, and walked away muttering to himself.