The November 9 IDIOTS

The NOVEMBER 9 IDIOTS.

You’ve seen it on ESPN, now watch as it comes to a local nearly  insolvent  Portugese hall near you. It’s the NOVEMBER 9 IDIOTS. In 2 weeks a tournament will be held, and we’ll see, which of these 9 IDIOTS  is knocked out first, or lasts until the first  blind raise. Here they are:

1.  They call him “RED FACE SATAN” even though that’s a bit repetitive.  No one knows his last name or even how he got invited.  Recently he doubled for George Hamilton at his funeral, and believes that tanning “is fuckin healthy for you”  He may be the most dangerous man at the table because money truly means nothing to him, most likely because he doesn’t actually have any. He recently left the Dominican Republic less tan then when he got there.

2,3,4.  APO #2,3,4. Much like a typical work day, at the poker table the APO’s (anonymous postal officers) are always a threat to exit early. The question is how many will show and whether they just throw the mail in the sewer or have enough money to stay for a cash game. They are interchangeable as no one really knows their names or anything about them, but they do all same the same crazed postal worker 1000 mile death stare into nothingness.

5.  His nickame: Jim “even if I was drunk she made a driving mistake that caused me to hit her” Leyritz.  He’s got more ankle bracelets then Cameron Diaz, yet somehow keeps his day job. The question is whether he shows up at all, and if so, in what state (literally it may not be RI). At this point prison provides peace and rest, and is looking pretty attractive.

6. The Brothers Grim : while never showing up at the same tournament, its always possible one of these odd fellows will exit early or bizarrely go very far. Either way you can be assured there will be a story about a bad beat. And then another one, and another one, and....

7. The Cancer Stick: if wasn’t for bad luck, hell this guy would take bad luck at this point. How in god’s name can he ever win. At least we get to hear some new stories, oh forgot nothing’s happened to him since 1989.  In fact, that’s his new name: 1989!

8.  Mr Spicoli: what do you call a 40 year old man who still smokes pot? Well in this case you don’t call him because he doesn’t have a cellphone. Intimidates by snotting up his cards. This and other antics lead to few of his friends being willing to admit that they are his friends. Tans as often as RED FACE SATAN, yet surprisingly doesn’t appear to be friendly with him.

9.  “Fort Hood aint Nothin”:  the only thing crazier than his beliefs is his card play. Has worked in so many hotels, he now has to open his own hotel just so he can hire himself to be the banquet director. Unfortunately, he still got fired at his own hotel for creating a "hostile work environment" when he allegedly told the manager: "hey tits come and eat my baclava", though he claims he literally did bring baclava to work that day, though he also admits he had eaten it all prior to his alleged statement. At the poker table it often appears that he literally may not know what the term “fold” means.  Perhaps it’s an Arab word for “Jews are Great”

And there you have it Lon, the November 9 Idiots. Who will be out first, who will go to jail first, who will die first, who will commit a crime against humanity first, who will spawn a new species of red skinned humans first, who will attempt to legalize pot at a high school first, who will have a grainy video photo of themselves shown on the newswires first, how are any of these people employable, these questions and more make the November 9 Idiots worth watching, or worth never been associated with again.