Thursday, December 23, 2010
A wee “certain” story from ye “certain” time.
Long ago, in ye olden times, there lived a certain “secret society”. Now lest dear reader be confused, there was nothing either “secret” nor “societal” about said organization, thought it’s members liked to think there was. Members of ye organization came from all walks of life, there were tradesmen, craftsmen, laborers, and even one who rode a horse and each day delivered “news and information” from house to house, a job which no one understood or valued. He claimed his job was vitally important, yet oddly he didn’t work on Sunday, leaving one to wonder why the news of Saturday wasn’t important, but we digress. The groups shared traits included a love of grog, ale, eating, and overall sloth. What they held most in common was that they earned most of their income off the King’s largess. That and the fact that none of them were cocksmen. Anyway, one day, a certain member found that his prized possession (other than his donkey) was starting to “act the devil”. Being a civilized gentleman of the time, rather than quarterhorsing her or stoning her, he caused her even more pain and married her. Regaling her with woefully long and pointless tales of yore, he hoped to tame the beast. Alas the devil inside her grew, and so, our certain member approached ye Court and asked for ye divorce. Thus granted, the society erupted in joy for the certain member ( though they were rightly concerned that this may mean he’d be around more often, a not unwarranted concern given his propensity to arrive at functions “grogless” and then proceed to “borrow” grog from other members. Said members began to wonder how one “borrows” grog. Additionally the certain member’s farmhouse had extremely poor breezeways, thus limiting the attractiveness of frequenting said farmhouse on any days between Mayeth and Octobereth. This was particularly problematic for the member called “Sir Shitsalot”, a member who preferred ye cold winters air on his arse all year round. Additionally our certain member sired an offspring who was fond of jumping on the farmhouse floor and being an all around hellion to company. But we digress). Our certain member, newly unencumbered from the battle axe of an ex wife(newly single, she found fleeting fame as a vocal impersonator of opera singers at Ye Benihana’s Japanese steakhouse) found himself frequenting the Town Faires and Jousting matches each Friday and Saturday night, in hopes of meeting a fair damsel (or at least one that didn’t run away). He was often accompanied by another member, who was famous for his “going problem” and was thusly known as “Sir Pissalot, but we digress). At about this time, a scandal of no small size erupted. It was to be that our certain person thusly had an audience with the ex sea hag of a current member. This portly member, known for his poor negotiating skills (yes, Sir Bluffsalot), was amongst the most beloved members of the society ( in much the same way the townspeople loved the cobblers son, Sir Duncealot, who repeatedly nailed his shoes to his feet, thus single handedly driving up health care costs for the entire village, but we digress). As such, the other members became incensed with this act of societal treason. One member demanded removal, but he meant for himself, a request for which we could not comply, for we loved Sir Lobbysalot. Another member, Sir Talksalot, requested castration, but was thusly informed he had already been granted such on his marriage day. Still another member, Sir Swearsalot/Sir Delaysalot/Sir Drinksalot (should we keep going?) requested that the member face “death by fucking his face”. Finally, the leader of ye society, made a decree. He decreed that he couldn’t believe that there was school the day before Christmas eve. He also decreed that he was afraid of midgets, clowns and carneys, and thusly all future circuses were cancelled. Lastly, he decreed that the society would use all of its limited resources to investigate this matter and bring justice to it. And so the certain member faced a dilemma, deny the accusations, run away, or face the music. And so here we sit, hundreds of year later, and wonder, what did the certain member do?
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Wikileaks hit Club Sub
Apparently the Wikileaks have infiltrated even a high security establishment like Club sub. Club Sub blog's web server is encrypted with a complex password system (password is: clubsub) and yet they still broke in and intercepted our "wires". It’s expected these stories will hit the news on Monday morning if Assange isn't freed so that he can continue to poke holes in condoms. Here is the dirt they have on Clubsub-the words in quotes are transcribed directly from the wires.
1. President's dog "Barkley" did not die, confused dog is now called "Cyrus", (hence his poor listening). Just a "publicity stunt to gather sympathy with the populace".
2. All this time, That Guy was actually married to someone else, but she was "no better"
3. Schemer "actually Jewish"
4. Big Sloppy's poker secrets revealed: "he never bluffs"
5. The Hit Man does not actually teach at St Rae's. "Cmon does anyone really think I wake up at 630am day after day?"
6. Tilt says "best thing he ever did was Geico Car Insurance"
7. Mud reveals "I went on vacation for one week in 1989 and House of Moy closed because of it"
8. The Rat known for "Brevity" at work
9. DV "not actually related" to Hit Man
10. Mailman "loves wife with all his heart", "eff club sub and the VP especially" "is there any more jack daniels left at this effing communion party?"
11. VP gives "nearly everything" to "Charity".
12. "Charity" a dancer at a local club, is suing for more child support. Says: "he's a cheap bastard"
13. Clap's wife says “won’t shut the eff up when we're in bed"
14. Fic says "fans who wear nfl jerseys are gay"
15. Club sub Sound "a huge Ponzi scheme, but unintentionally so"
16. Clout "changing phone # because Da Prez is a nuisance"
Sunday, December 05, 2010
The Club Sub Vegas Rider by the VP Frank White
The Celebrity "rider" is the contract that contains all the ridiculous demands that rock stars, actors, comedians and whatever it is that Kathy Griffin is, have when they perform at a concert or other venue. As expected they reveal the deep rooted spoiled and childish nature of the stars. Van Halen famously requested that all the brown m & m's be removed from a bowl in their backstage dressing room. From there it just gets worse and worse. Paul Mcartney demands 24 bars of ivory soap, everything must be white for JHo, including the flowers, furniture and curtains (though not her stanky brown balloon knot), while Mary J "Bilge" requests a new toilet seat be installed prior to her using the dressing room at every venue. Unfortunately i am not making any of this up. And so, of course, with the aid of many miller lites, we developed the "Club Sub Vegas 2011 Rider of all Riders". For whoever is booking our hotel, this is to be given to them and demanded that every detail, no matter how ludicrous, must be met, or we will pout. As we have no idea which rooms we will end up in, we demand all of the following items be included in each room. These are the daily requests per room.
6 large black ice coffees per room per day, no milk no sugar no nothing but the nectar of caffeine and ice cubes. Tim Hortans or D&D only. No fancy starbux shit.
Two 30 pack of miller lite bottles on ice per day-however they must be iced so that the labels do not melt off the bottles and get on our hands when we drink. This will be grounds for a tantrum. Therefore the bottles must not actually be located within the water and ice. You have 7 months to figure out how to accomplish this.
Three bags of Burger King. you are to order the smelliest food that BK has so that the rooms will never be the same.
Unlimited supplies of bacon.
One vat of Lard
2 pizzas made entirely out of meat, no dough involved. Again 7 months.
Two Dozen Pair of babies feet. Fresh.
The finest spit cup known to man, for tobacco. It must be designed in such a way that it looks so nice that someone is bound to pick it up and look at it, only to vomit when they see what's inside of it.
1 Jar of Jalapeno Flakes
2 Bags of Jalapeno sunflower seeds
1 Jar of Tucks ass pads
1 Case of Imodium
1 Case of Tums
The toilet must be linked to the music system so that when a member drops a dump, the following two songs play "You've been....Thunderstruck" and "You dropped the bomb on me". Again you have 7 months to figure this out.
A month's supply of "hard on" hair products for men
Hats, lots and lots of hats
Enough sun tan lotion that if spilled in the ocean, New Orleans Shrimp Captains would just give up.
1 jar Claussen Pickles
1 jar tostitos gross yellow cheese
1 Case of Yeingling beer
1 dozen Romeo and Julieta Cuban cigars
1 Bottle of Johnny Walker Blue
1 Bottle of XO Congac
1 Giant poster of Alyssa Milano, preferably post "who's the boss", but pre "charmed", and definitely pre her dating every single baseball and hockey player.
1 jar vaseline
1 box kleenex (for the crying)
All room thermostats set at 54 degress with an ethnic retinal scan security id so that no one can alter the temperature unless they are portugese with brown eyes.
A single huge sitting fan that is typically used to test parachutes but in this case will be used to cool off some Members because 54 degrees in the room isn't enough
2 sets of ear plugs
"OPP" must be playing 24/7 on a constant loop, in the room and throughout the hotel
2 Cases of bottled water, from somewhere remote, classy, exotic and pure, like Mexico
All pictures on the walls must be of Naked Gun Scenes
All tv's must be playing Naked Gun movies, when not playing Naked Gun, they must be on CNBC between 930 and 4. After that, espn.
Two boxes of deli pizza shipped from RI daily.
One cellphone blocker so that none of our phones work.
An large armed security guard to travel with certain members and keep them out of trouble. Most likely users include The Mailman, Clap, and Yung Flanagan.
Not requested: condoms. Half the members have been fixed. Half are loyally married. Half couldn't get lucky even in Vegas. Many fit all threes overlapping criteria. Hence condoms not needed.
Not requested: 24 bars of soap. soap delays the amount of time a member is either gambling, eating, drinking or sleeping. The showers should be designed to mix soap and water in the shower head so that the spray itself already includes a soap/water mix. Called 'soater". Again you have 7 months. By the way why hasn't anyone thought of this? i may just patent it. oh yeah sucks when you look up at the nozzle and get soap in your eyes. now i get it.
Every time we exit an elevator to leave the building, the PA system must be linked to the music system in the hotel, and the following song must be heard: "For those about to Rock, we Salute You!"
6 large black ice coffees per room per day, no milk no sugar no nothing but the nectar of caffeine and ice cubes. Tim Hortans or D&D only. No fancy starbux shit.
Two 30 pack of miller lite bottles on ice per day-however they must be iced so that the labels do not melt off the bottles and get on our hands when we drink. This will be grounds for a tantrum. Therefore the bottles must not actually be located within the water and ice. You have 7 months to figure out how to accomplish this.
Three bags of Burger King. you are to order the smelliest food that BK has so that the rooms will never be the same.
Unlimited supplies of bacon.
One vat of Lard
2 pizzas made entirely out of meat, no dough involved. Again 7 months.
Two Dozen Pair of babies feet. Fresh.
The finest spit cup known to man, for tobacco. It must be designed in such a way that it looks so nice that someone is bound to pick it up and look at it, only to vomit when they see what's inside of it.
1 Jar of Jalapeno Flakes
2 Bags of Jalapeno sunflower seeds
1 Jar of Tucks ass pads
1 Case of Imodium
1 Case of Tums
The toilet must be linked to the music system so that when a member drops a dump, the following two songs play "You've been....Thunderstruck" and "You dropped the bomb on me". Again you have 7 months to figure this out.
A month's supply of "hard on" hair products for men
Hats, lots and lots of hats
Enough sun tan lotion that if spilled in the ocean, New Orleans Shrimp Captains would just give up.
1 jar Claussen Pickles
1 jar tostitos gross yellow cheese
1 Case of Yeingling beer
1 dozen Romeo and Julieta Cuban cigars
1 Bottle of Johnny Walker Blue
1 Bottle of XO Congac
1 Giant poster of Alyssa Milano, preferably post "who's the boss", but pre "charmed", and definitely pre her dating every single baseball and hockey player.
1 jar vaseline
1 box kleenex (for the crying)
All room thermostats set at 54 degress with an ethnic retinal scan security id so that no one can alter the temperature unless they are portugese with brown eyes.
A single huge sitting fan that is typically used to test parachutes but in this case will be used to cool off some Members because 54 degrees in the room isn't enough
2 sets of ear plugs
"OPP" must be playing 24/7 on a constant loop, in the room and throughout the hotel
2 Cases of bottled water, from somewhere remote, classy, exotic and pure, like Mexico
All pictures on the walls must be of Naked Gun Scenes
All tv's must be playing Naked Gun movies, when not playing Naked Gun, they must be on CNBC between 930 and 4. After that, espn.
Two boxes of deli pizza shipped from RI daily.
One cellphone blocker so that none of our phones work.
An large armed security guard to travel with certain members and keep them out of trouble. Most likely users include The Mailman, Clap, and Yung Flanagan.
Not requested: condoms. Half the members have been fixed. Half are loyally married. Half couldn't get lucky even in Vegas. Many fit all threes overlapping criteria. Hence condoms not needed.
Not requested: 24 bars of soap. soap delays the amount of time a member is either gambling, eating, drinking or sleeping. The showers should be designed to mix soap and water in the shower head so that the spray itself already includes a soap/water mix. Called 'soater". Again you have 7 months. By the way why hasn't anyone thought of this? i may just patent it. oh yeah sucks when you look up at the nozzle and get soap in your eyes. now i get it.
Every time we exit an elevator to leave the building, the PA system must be linked to the music system in the hotel, and the following song must be heard: "For those about to Rock, we Salute You!"
Monday, November 29, 2010
Official Club Sub Statement of Leslie Nielsen's passing
It is with a very heavy heart that I type tonight. Mr. Leslie Nielsen, an honorary member of Club Sub, the greatest actor of all time, and the definitely the best talent Canada ever produced, passed away last evening, Sunday November 28, 2010. We in Club Sub have spent countless hours and laughs watching Naked Gun marathons, quoting his various movie lines, and toasting to this legend.
Late Sunday night word began to spread through Club Sub that Leslie had passed, some cried, some prayed, and some sipped on Bosco then slipped under the covers. Members had a difficult time coping with the loss today. For instance, The Hitman found himself walking the halls of his work asking himself "where the hell was I?" The VP Frank White found himself at a bar for lunch asking for "the strongest thing they had" BTW, his name was Ivan...a white Russian. The Terminator has decided to eat only Viking food for the rest of the week. The Schemer skipped work and went to a Shakespearean play in the park. The rat and That Guy drove to Chicago to split an order of fried rice from Wong Lu's. Tilt spent the day at the docks taking a dingy. I stayed home baked a raisin nut bread and watched Spartacus followed by The Rocketeer.
In remembrance of this great Club Sub hero, I would ask each member on New Year's Eve (no matter where you are) when the clock strikes 12, after Dick Clark butchers the countdown and before you kiss your loved one, to raise your glass up high and toast to the memory of Leslie Nielsen.
Gentlemen, we have lost a great man, but unlike any of us when we expire, he has blessed us with jewels from the life he lived. Go now and watch your favorite movie of Leslie and laugh to it hurts.
DaPrez
Late Sunday night word began to spread through Club Sub that Leslie had passed, some cried, some prayed, and some sipped on Bosco then slipped under the covers. Members had a difficult time coping with the loss today. For instance, The Hitman found himself walking the halls of his work asking himself "where the hell was I?" The VP Frank White found himself at a bar for lunch asking for "the strongest thing they had" BTW, his name was Ivan...a white Russian. The Terminator has decided to eat only Viking food for the rest of the week. The Schemer skipped work and went to a Shakespearean play in the park. The rat and That Guy drove to Chicago to split an order of fried rice from Wong Lu's. Tilt spent the day at the docks taking a dingy. I stayed home baked a raisin nut bread and watched Spartacus followed by The Rocketeer.
In remembrance of this great Club Sub hero, I would ask each member on New Year's Eve (no matter where you are) when the clock strikes 12, after Dick Clark butchers the countdown and before you kiss your loved one, to raise your glass up high and toast to the memory of Leslie Nielsen.
Gentlemen, we have lost a great man, but unlike any of us when we expire, he has blessed us with jewels from the life he lived. Go now and watch your favorite movie of Leslie and laugh to it hurts.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Mud's Club Sub Fantasy Football Mid-Year Report
In case you couldn't tell, I just can't get enough of myself. Seriously. I write a post every week, do a draft recap, a season recap, and a mid-year report. I'm the shit.
So now that week 7 is in the books,I thought I'd let you all know what I think. Don't take offense, but if you do, please blow it out your ass.
Some observations:
- The Cowboys suck. They may actually perform better behind Jon Kitna than Romo. That in itself is staggering.
- The NFL has completely fucked the entire "head shots" thing. Rather than admit that players are bigger, faster, and crazier than they used to be, they are trying to deliberately soften the game and turn it into flag football (someone else said this, but I don't know who, so I'm crediting whomever it was who said that).
- What do we do if there is a lockout next year? Do we proceed with Fantasy and take our chances, or do we seek some other way to waste our time at work every week?
- We've had 7 different teams take weekly high-man honors.
Let's look at the teams, based on standings.
1. Convicts. Come on, you didn't see this coming? Mud did. 5th in Passing, 3rd in rushing, 9th in receiving, 8th in defense. And a coach rating of 6th. Oh, and the 8th most difficult schedule so far.
Grade: B. Seriously, with the guns you have, you couldn't possibly fuck it up. Therefore, no A. Interesting that a "co-owner" was taken on to "learn the ropes". Boy, LaDanian Tomlinson is working out, isn't he? And then, inexplicably, you trade for Shonn Greene. Is this a depth move, or a stupidity move?
Preseason Rank:1. Mud's on fire so far!
Preseason Sleeper: Joe Flacco. Well, not so much. But he hasn't been bad.
Preseason Bust: Anquan Boldin. OK, I was WAY off here. But you know what? Shut up.
2. Doormats. 1st in rushing, 3rd in passing, 12th in receiving (eek), 5th in defense, with a coach ranking of 3rd and the 10th most difficult schedule. Based on these stats, we should be talking about a 1st place team. However, we aren't. Looks like you need receiver help. And I need rushing help. Wait, I need receiving help too....Never mind. I'm curious about keeping a short bench. You have a roster spot open. Why not fill it?
Grade: A-
Preseason Rank: 4. Definitely a playoff team, but I didn't see him being this good. At the mid-year, this team is my pick for the title.
Preseason Sleeper: Matt Forte. My, haven't things taken a turn in Chicago? He has been relatively solid this year, though, so I stand by this. He is still top 10 in overall RB scoring.
Preseason Bust: Jahvid Best. OK, he's been OK, but take out that 47-point performance, and what you have is Justin Forsett.
3. DaPrez. 2nd in Defense, 6th in passing, 2nd in rushing, 5th in receiving, a coach ranking of 7th, and the 2nd esaiest schedule get you.....3rd place. A member of the nameless rabble of teams that are 4-3 or 3-4 (there are 8 of us!!). Notably, he ranks highest in total points scored, and he is only 4-3. I don't get it. He left 47 points on the bench in McFadden last week, and would have topped 200 yards (in accordance with what the Prophet Mud said).
Grade: C-. Sorry, with the highest point total, you gotta be better than 4-3. I don't give a shit if you can control that or not. And there ain't no flags on the play!
Preseason Rank: 3. Well, what do you know about that?
Preseason Sleeper: Johnny Knox. He appears to still be asleep, along with the rest of the Bears.
Preseason Bust: Ryan Matthews. Mud's spot on again. More fumbles lost than touchdowns. Hasn't gained more than 75 yards in a game all year. Has his highest number of carries in Week 1, where he lost a fumble. That gets you in the doghouse.
4. The Clapp. And that's all I got to say about that. 1st in passing, 6th in rushing, 8th in receiving, 6th in defense, a coach ranking of 1 (wha....?) and the 8th most difficult schedule. Interesting note- the Clapp plays Sloppy's team this week, and you wouldn't believe some of the fossils in this matchup. Sloppy is starting Unitas, Berry (double points) and Paul Hornung, and Clapp is going with Namath, Earl Campbell and Mark Duper.
Grade: B+
Preseason Rank: 6 - A playoff team! Someone please explain to Clapp how "playoffs" work.
Preseason Sleeper: all of them (Ha!)
Preseason Bust: Steven Jackson. Mud was wrong. This guy has put up double-digit performances every week. There has to be something said for that.
5. The Schemers. How this team has a winning record is a mystery to me. 9th in passing, 7th in rushing, 7th in receiving, 1st in defense, coach ranking of 2, and the 6th most difficult schedule. This is smoke and mirrors, folks. Take a look at his lineup and let me know where you would thinks this team is. And now we are riding Kitna's coattails. Good luck.
Grade: A+. Seriously. To be 4-3 with this collection of retards is amazing.
Preseason Rank: 11. Change is a-coming, folks. Maybe not this week, but I can feel the air stirring.
Preseason Sleeper: Ahmad Bradshaw. I'm correct. Very solid.
Preseason Bust: Reggie Bush. Well, I was kinda right. He's been hurt. But all of NO's O-ffense has been a bust.
6. The Amish. My God, 199 points one week, 47 the next. Who runs this team? A collection of monkeys who hurl their own dung at the team roster to determine who starts? Actual blurb on injury report: "J Cutler, Chicago: Probable (dead)". A great story. Compelling, and rich.
Grade: C. I'd like to give you a higher grade, but I wouldn't be able to sleep tonight if I did.
5th in rushing, 10th in passing, 6th in receiving, 12th in defense, coach ranking of 10th, and the 2nd easiest schedule.
Preseason Rank: 10. Give it time, friends. Give it time. And stay thirsty.
Preseason Sleeper: Davone Bess. He's been very solid. I stand by this one.
Preseason Bust: Michael Crabtree. Yup, he sucks.
7. Sloppy's Team. Like the naming conventions. 1st in receiving, 10th in rushing, 11th in passing, 6th in defense, coach ranking of 5th, and the 3rd hardest schedule thus far. Is only above 500 cuz of Kenny Britt. Starts Danny Woodhead regularly. Has Ladell Betts on his roster (still). I don't know what to do with this team. I feel unclean praising it, but yet it doesn't seem worthy of derision, either. So I'll shut up. I usually pick on Sloppy pretty bad, so I'll cut him a break this time.
Grade: C-.
Preseason Prediction: 7. Another one. Christ, I'm good at this.
Preseason Sleeper: None (I did that twice and didn't even realize it).
Preseason Bust: DeAngelo Williams. I stand by this one. He is 28th in total fantasy points amongst RBs and was projected to be top 10. And why he is even in the top 30 is incredible. If you are playing Carolina, why not key on the run? Nobody even knows who their QB is! Is it Jimmy Clausen? Matt Moore? Cousin Elmer?
8. The Weird Boys. I was beating them by 20ish going into MNF when the 3 guys they had erupted for 75 points combined. And really, did Dez Bryant need those 2 TDs? So these guys can go fuck themselves. Also, bonus: If you click on their team page, you can see what 40 years of competition between brothers gets you. Petty snipes at one another. (Note: I changed their name to 'Weird" to protect their real names here). Their team page reads "Weird Boys: John and Jim Weird and John Weird." What, is John running for office and trying to sneak his name into the ballot twice? Why not stay "Rhode Island" and change your name to "aWeird" so it appears first on the ballot?
2nd in receiving, 8th in passing, 8th in rushing, 9th in defense, a coach ranking of 9th, and the 4th toughest schedule.
Grade: F. As in Fuck You!
Preseason Rank: 2. I was way off yet again. I suck.
Preseason Sleeper: Devin Aromashodu. Is this guy still in the league?
Preseason Bust: Kellen Winslow. Is this guy still in the league?
9. The Rusty Trombones. Yes, I'm going to be as hard on myself as anyone else. I'm mired in the group that is 3-4 (4 teams). Frankly, I don't know how I won 3 games. 2nd in passing, 9th in rushing, 11th in receiving, 3rd in defense, coach ranking of 11th, and the 2nd most difficult schedule in the league. While we are here, how is the "coach rating" determined? Does anyone know? I think I'd be in better shape if I weren't an idiot and drafted people like Beanie Wells. And Philip Rivers- good stats, but come on, did you watch the game Sunday? Gates drops a TD pass. Crayton drops everything thrown at him except his paycheck. Do these people even have hands, or do they struggle to wipe their asses cuz they have nubs? Even a guy with nubs should be able to catch a pass or 2. Gates' dropped TD hit him in the fucking facemask. Yikes!
Grade: C. I predicted I'd finish last, so I guess I'm currently exceeding expectations...
Preseason Rank: 12. I suck, but not as bad as this, so I'll say I was wrong here. But I might not be come season's end.
Preseason Sleeper: Zach Miller. Dead on here. One of the elite TEs in the league at this point.
Preseason Bust: My own, but I'm going to edit this to say Ray Rice. Not as elite as we'd like, that's for sure. I still like my boobs, however. They are pleasing to the touch.
10. finebeverages. Drew Brees is sodomizing you. Why you didn't make a run at Ryan Fitzpatrick or Patrick Fitzryan (his partner) amazes me. 4th in passing, 11th in rushing, 10th in receiving, 4th in defense, a coach ranking of12th (Last!) and the 6th-easiest schedule. Despite these shortcomings, you are still a couple of wins away from a playoff spot. I guess that's admirable. What's remarkable is how similar our teams are. We both carry a bunch of RBs who are in platoon situations, and we are both suffering as a result. I think you need to change the "Booker's Sippin Whisky" avatar, too. Time to change the chi and mix up the karma.
Grade: D+
Preseason Rank: 8. not too far off...
Preseason Sleeper: Visanthe Shiancoe. Minnesota is a God-awful mess. You should see my shoes. However, he started out hot...But Randy Moss couldn't have been good for a team with horrible chemistry to begin with.
Preseason Bust: Reggie Wayne. I still maintain that his production would have been down if the entire Colts receiver corps (including Clark) was healthy. But, I'll say I was wrong here, because I don't like confrontation.
11. Avatars. Look, you beat me. I give you credit there. And you continue to provide excellent entertainment value with your avatars. And we thank you for that. Remember- you have the Weird Boys this week, so make sure your avatar is inoffensive to appease them. Now, that said, your team is crap. You are one of 2 teams that are conceivably out of it already. What's remarkable is that you have chosen nearly every valuable commodity off of the waiver wire and still suck.
Grade: D-
Preseason Rank: 5. Far and away my most egregious miss of my predictions. I should have known that you would break my heart.
Preseason Sleeper: Vince Young. Who?
Preseason Bust: Michael Turner. I have picked so many things incorrectly about your team...I don't know if I can trust you anymore. Your abuse of my trust puts me in a shame spiral, and I begin blaming myself. I think it's best that we take a break for a while. You can hang on to my poker table for now. Having it at my house would remind me of you and I don't even know you are anymore. In keeping with your team's theme- you incomplete me.
12. Warriors. Warr-i-ors!! Come out and get your asses kicked! I mean, come out and plaaaaayyyy! This poor bastard. The absolute whipping boy in the league. NO ONE has had more points scored against them, and no one has scored less points. I have concerns about this recipe.
Cook: There's a Shit Casserole in the oven, everyone!
Everyone: Yaaaay!! Shit Casserole!
A lot of isn't in your fault. There have been significant underperformances here...Brady hasn't been great. The RB tandem from Big D has sucked, along with the Cowboys. I don't anyone saw those things coming. But you now have both TEs from New England. Guess what? Crumpler's gonna have a big day this week. You feel the same way, don't you?
4th in receiving, 6th in passing, 12th in rushing, 11th in defense, coach ranking is 4, and the most difficult schedule....Boy, I'm sorry....
Grade: I Incomplete. I'm not sure he hasn't submitted any rosters that weren't illegal.
Preseason Rank: 9
Preseason Sleeper: Pierre Garcon. He was hurt a bit early. I still think big numbers are coming with Collie out and Reggie Wayne buying Just For Men by the case.
Preseason Bust: Mike Wallace (Pittsburgh). I was very wrong here. However, that high ankle sprain comes out of nowhere....
Who knows what the next seven weeks will bring? None of us do. But you can bet your ass I'm going to enjoy watching/writing.
I hope you enjoyed reading this as much I as enjoyed writing it, which was very little. Mud out!
So now that week 7 is in the books,I thought I'd let you all know what I think. Don't take offense, but if you do, please blow it out your ass.
Some observations:
- The Cowboys suck. They may actually perform better behind Jon Kitna than Romo. That in itself is staggering.
- The NFL has completely fucked the entire "head shots" thing. Rather than admit that players are bigger, faster, and crazier than they used to be, they are trying to deliberately soften the game and turn it into flag football (someone else said this, but I don't know who, so I'm crediting whomever it was who said that).
- What do we do if there is a lockout next year? Do we proceed with Fantasy and take our chances, or do we seek some other way to waste our time at work every week?
- We've had 7 different teams take weekly high-man honors.
Let's look at the teams, based on standings.
1. Convicts. Come on, you didn't see this coming? Mud did. 5th in Passing, 3rd in rushing, 9th in receiving, 8th in defense. And a coach rating of 6th. Oh, and the 8th most difficult schedule so far.
Grade: B. Seriously, with the guns you have, you couldn't possibly fuck it up. Therefore, no A. Interesting that a "co-owner" was taken on to "learn the ropes". Boy, LaDanian Tomlinson is working out, isn't he? And then, inexplicably, you trade for Shonn Greene. Is this a depth move, or a stupidity move?
Preseason Rank:1. Mud's on fire so far!
Preseason Sleeper: Joe Flacco. Well, not so much. But he hasn't been bad.
Preseason Bust: Anquan Boldin. OK, I was WAY off here. But you know what? Shut up.
2. Doormats. 1st in rushing, 3rd in passing, 12th in receiving (eek), 5th in defense, with a coach ranking of 3rd and the 10th most difficult schedule. Based on these stats, we should be talking about a 1st place team. However, we aren't. Looks like you need receiver help. And I need rushing help. Wait, I need receiving help too....Never mind. I'm curious about keeping a short bench. You have a roster spot open. Why not fill it?
Grade: A-
Preseason Rank: 4. Definitely a playoff team, but I didn't see him being this good. At the mid-year, this team is my pick for the title.
Preseason Sleeper: Matt Forte. My, haven't things taken a turn in Chicago? He has been relatively solid this year, though, so I stand by this. He is still top 10 in overall RB scoring.
Preseason Bust: Jahvid Best. OK, he's been OK, but take out that 47-point performance, and what you have is Justin Forsett.
3. DaPrez. 2nd in Defense, 6th in passing, 2nd in rushing, 5th in receiving, a coach ranking of 7th, and the 2nd esaiest schedule get you.....3rd place. A member of the nameless rabble of teams that are 4-3 or 3-4 (there are 8 of us!!). Notably, he ranks highest in total points scored, and he is only 4-3. I don't get it. He left 47 points on the bench in McFadden last week, and would have topped 200 yards (in accordance with what the Prophet Mud said).
Grade: C-. Sorry, with the highest point total, you gotta be better than 4-3. I don't give a shit if you can control that or not. And there ain't no flags on the play!
Preseason Rank: 3. Well, what do you know about that?
Preseason Sleeper: Johnny Knox. He appears to still be asleep, along with the rest of the Bears.
Preseason Bust: Ryan Matthews. Mud's spot on again. More fumbles lost than touchdowns. Hasn't gained more than 75 yards in a game all year. Has his highest number of carries in Week 1, where he lost a fumble. That gets you in the doghouse.
4. The Clapp. And that's all I got to say about that. 1st in passing, 6th in rushing, 8th in receiving, 6th in defense, a coach ranking of 1 (wha....?) and the 8th most difficult schedule. Interesting note- the Clapp plays Sloppy's team this week, and you wouldn't believe some of the fossils in this matchup. Sloppy is starting Unitas, Berry (double points) and Paul Hornung, and Clapp is going with Namath, Earl Campbell and Mark Duper.
Grade: B+
Preseason Rank: 6 - A playoff team! Someone please explain to Clapp how "playoffs" work.
Preseason Sleeper: all of them (Ha!)
Preseason Bust: Steven Jackson. Mud was wrong. This guy has put up double-digit performances every week. There has to be something said for that.
5. The Schemers. How this team has a winning record is a mystery to me. 9th in passing, 7th in rushing, 7th in receiving, 1st in defense, coach ranking of 2, and the 6th most difficult schedule. This is smoke and mirrors, folks. Take a look at his lineup and let me know where you would thinks this team is. And now we are riding Kitna's coattails. Good luck.
Grade: A+. Seriously. To be 4-3 with this collection of retards is amazing.
Preseason Rank: 11. Change is a-coming, folks. Maybe not this week, but I can feel the air stirring.
Preseason Sleeper: Ahmad Bradshaw. I'm correct. Very solid.
Preseason Bust: Reggie Bush. Well, I was kinda right. He's been hurt. But all of NO's O-ffense has been a bust.
6. The Amish. My God, 199 points one week, 47 the next. Who runs this team? A collection of monkeys who hurl their own dung at the team roster to determine who starts? Actual blurb on injury report: "J Cutler, Chicago: Probable (dead)". A great story. Compelling, and rich.
Grade: C. I'd like to give you a higher grade, but I wouldn't be able to sleep tonight if I did.
5th in rushing, 10th in passing, 6th in receiving, 12th in defense, coach ranking of 10th, and the 2nd easiest schedule.
Preseason Rank: 10. Give it time, friends. Give it time. And stay thirsty.
Preseason Sleeper: Davone Bess. He's been very solid. I stand by this one.
Preseason Bust: Michael Crabtree. Yup, he sucks.
7. Sloppy's Team. Like the naming conventions. 1st in receiving, 10th in rushing, 11th in passing, 6th in defense, coach ranking of 5th, and the 3rd hardest schedule thus far. Is only above 500 cuz of Kenny Britt. Starts Danny Woodhead regularly. Has Ladell Betts on his roster (still). I don't know what to do with this team. I feel unclean praising it, but yet it doesn't seem worthy of derision, either. So I'll shut up. I usually pick on Sloppy pretty bad, so I'll cut him a break this time.
Grade: C-.
Preseason Prediction: 7. Another one. Christ, I'm good at this.
Preseason Sleeper: None (I did that twice and didn't even realize it).
Preseason Bust: DeAngelo Williams. I stand by this one. He is 28th in total fantasy points amongst RBs and was projected to be top 10. And why he is even in the top 30 is incredible. If you are playing Carolina, why not key on the run? Nobody even knows who their QB is! Is it Jimmy Clausen? Matt Moore? Cousin Elmer?
8. The Weird Boys. I was beating them by 20ish going into MNF when the 3 guys they had erupted for 75 points combined. And really, did Dez Bryant need those 2 TDs? So these guys can go fuck themselves. Also, bonus: If you click on their team page, you can see what 40 years of competition between brothers gets you. Petty snipes at one another. (Note: I changed their name to 'Weird" to protect their real names here). Their team page reads "Weird Boys: John and Jim Weird and John Weird." What, is John running for office and trying to sneak his name into the ballot twice? Why not stay "Rhode Island" and change your name to "aWeird" so it appears first on the ballot?
2nd in receiving, 8th in passing, 8th in rushing, 9th in defense, a coach ranking of 9th, and the 4th toughest schedule.
Grade: F. As in Fuck You!
Preseason Rank: 2. I was way off yet again. I suck.
Preseason Sleeper: Devin Aromashodu. Is this guy still in the league?
Preseason Bust: Kellen Winslow. Is this guy still in the league?
9. The Rusty Trombones. Yes, I'm going to be as hard on myself as anyone else. I'm mired in the group that is 3-4 (4 teams). Frankly, I don't know how I won 3 games. 2nd in passing, 9th in rushing, 11th in receiving, 3rd in defense, coach ranking of 11th, and the 2nd most difficult schedule in the league. While we are here, how is the "coach rating" determined? Does anyone know? I think I'd be in better shape if I weren't an idiot and drafted people like Beanie Wells. And Philip Rivers- good stats, but come on, did you watch the game Sunday? Gates drops a TD pass. Crayton drops everything thrown at him except his paycheck. Do these people even have hands, or do they struggle to wipe their asses cuz they have nubs? Even a guy with nubs should be able to catch a pass or 2. Gates' dropped TD hit him in the fucking facemask. Yikes!
Grade: C. I predicted I'd finish last, so I guess I'm currently exceeding expectations...
Preseason Rank: 12. I suck, but not as bad as this, so I'll say I was wrong here. But I might not be come season's end.
Preseason Sleeper: Zach Miller. Dead on here. One of the elite TEs in the league at this point.
Preseason Bust: My own, but I'm going to edit this to say Ray Rice. Not as elite as we'd like, that's for sure. I still like my boobs, however. They are pleasing to the touch.
10. finebeverages. Drew Brees is sodomizing you. Why you didn't make a run at Ryan Fitzpatrick or Patrick Fitzryan (his partner) amazes me. 4th in passing, 11th in rushing, 10th in receiving, 4th in defense, a coach ranking of12th (Last!) and the 6th-easiest schedule. Despite these shortcomings, you are still a couple of wins away from a playoff spot. I guess that's admirable. What's remarkable is how similar our teams are. We both carry a bunch of RBs who are in platoon situations, and we are both suffering as a result. I think you need to change the "Booker's Sippin Whisky" avatar, too. Time to change the chi and mix up the karma.
Grade: D+
Preseason Rank: 8. not too far off...
Preseason Sleeper: Visanthe Shiancoe. Minnesota is a God-awful mess. You should see my shoes. However, he started out hot...But Randy Moss couldn't have been good for a team with horrible chemistry to begin with.
Preseason Bust: Reggie Wayne. I still maintain that his production would have been down if the entire Colts receiver corps (including Clark) was healthy. But, I'll say I was wrong here, because I don't like confrontation.
11. Avatars. Look, you beat me. I give you credit there. And you continue to provide excellent entertainment value with your avatars. And we thank you for that. Remember- you have the Weird Boys this week, so make sure your avatar is inoffensive to appease them. Now, that said, your team is crap. You are one of 2 teams that are conceivably out of it already. What's remarkable is that you have chosen nearly every valuable commodity off of the waiver wire and still suck.
Grade: D-
Preseason Rank: 5. Far and away my most egregious miss of my predictions. I should have known that you would break my heart.
Preseason Sleeper: Vince Young. Who?
Preseason Bust: Michael Turner. I have picked so many things incorrectly about your team...I don't know if I can trust you anymore. Your abuse of my trust puts me in a shame spiral, and I begin blaming myself. I think it's best that we take a break for a while. You can hang on to my poker table for now. Having it at my house would remind me of you and I don't even know you are anymore. In keeping with your team's theme- you incomplete me.
12. Warriors. Warr-i-ors!! Come out and get your asses kicked! I mean, come out and plaaaaayyyy! This poor bastard. The absolute whipping boy in the league. NO ONE has had more points scored against them, and no one has scored less points. I have concerns about this recipe.
Cook: There's a Shit Casserole in the oven, everyone!
Everyone: Yaaaay!! Shit Casserole!
A lot of isn't in your fault. There have been significant underperformances here...Brady hasn't been great. The RB tandem from Big D has sucked, along with the Cowboys. I don't anyone saw those things coming. But you now have both TEs from New England. Guess what? Crumpler's gonna have a big day this week. You feel the same way, don't you?
4th in receiving, 6th in passing, 12th in rushing, 11th in defense, coach ranking is 4, and the most difficult schedule....Boy, I'm sorry....
Grade: I Incomplete. I'm not sure he hasn't submitted any rosters that weren't illegal.
Preseason Rank: 9
Preseason Sleeper: Pierre Garcon. He was hurt a bit early. I still think big numbers are coming with Collie out and Reggie Wayne buying Just For Men by the case.
Preseason Bust: Mike Wallace (Pittsburgh). I was very wrong here. However, that high ankle sprain comes out of nowhere....
Who knows what the next seven weeks will bring? None of us do. But you can bet your ass I'm going to enjoy watching/writing.
I hope you enjoyed reading this as much I as enjoyed writing it, which was very little. Mud out!
Saturday, October 09, 2010
Monday, October 04, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Friday, September 03, 2010
Wednesday, September 01, 2010
Mud's Annual Fantasy Football Preview
Hello all! Welcome again to the literary diarrhea that can only be Mud posting yet another Fantasy Football blog post! I know what you're thinking- "Mud, will Hurricane Earl impact our geographical area?" Fucked if I know. But let's say I'm bringing in the patio furniture. Also, I'm happy to get some text back on this blog instead of some pictures of the Club Sub hat at fucking StoryLand or Chuck E. Cheese. Time to get edgy again, bitches!
So as always, here's my team-by-team rankings and draft review. In accordance with the classical tradition, if you don't like what I have to say, please blow it out your ass. And a special message to the Commish- I like your little blurbs about draft day that you posted on the website. Nice. Do it again and I'll have your legs broken. This is my house.
Quick note: Special thanks to That Guy for hosting the draft as part of his Freedom Tour. However, the Freedom Tour needs some logistical help, as "air conditioning" should have been on the rider. Seriously, I think he set the oven to 450 degrees and left the door open. In fact, when we were informed of the absence of air conditioning, it led to this exchange between That Guy, Terminator, and myself:
Me: I thought you had central air.
Terminator: Right, we figured it's a newer house, and most newer homes have central air...
That Guy: Air conditioning??? Ha ha! Suck on my shit!
Here are some things to consider going forward:
1. None of us are in shape. Really, if you have a bunch of fat guys eating, drinking, breathing with difficulty, shouting, sweating, and on occasion thinking, then it's gonna be fucking hot. Which it was. As the Commish said, you all should be thankful that I didn't remove my shirt, because I was seriously considering it.
2. I would have happily brought a window air conditioner, and I think a few others would have as well. I also would have thrown some $ at the electric bill. As others would have. I have confirmed this with multiple owners.
3. An e-mail should have gone out to say "I don't have air conditioning". We would have taken care of the rest, problem solved! As it was we had to balance a fan on top of a cooler and the damn thing kept falling off. The Commish and DaPrez were so frustrated by this that they nearly stuck their faces in the fucking thing to end the misery. And we would have drank their blood. Wait, what?
So let's look at the team-by-team breakdown in no particular order (actually, that's not true- I now realize it is alphabetical by team name).
A'S AVATARS: It's about time HRD got rid of the stupid "CAPTAIN MORGAN MEN" name. However, he still fails to realize that computers have "shift" keys, so his team name remains capitalized. Here's a sample e-mail from HRD:
HEY MUD HOW ARE YOU I I HOPE THE FAMILY IS DOING WELL COWBOYS YANKEES GO FUCK YOUR FACE SIGNED AC (attachment: some lewd pornographic act involving a 400-lb woman)
I think he has a nice team here, despite the strange draft strategy. He drafted a kicker and a defense before a QB, which I find interesting, and then drafted three QBs. To make a Postal Service analogy, it's sorta like delivering the "You're Pre-Approved!" mail before the Priority Mail, which I'm pretty sure he does in real life. This team has no discernible strengths or weaknesses- they look mediocre/semi-solid down the line, even if they are mostly old/has-beens. But look at it this way, HRD: As long as something semi-solid is coming out of you, how bad can it be? That's right, I made an Irritable Bowel Syndrome joke. Despite all that, the only bowl I see in your future is the....well, I already made that joke, so let's move on.
Mud's Weighted Projected Rank: 5
Sleeper: Vince Young. I feel a bounce-back from this kid. All he has ever done is win, and this year, he's gonna have some sick stats.
Bust: Michael Turner. I don't understand why all the pundits rank him so high. He's coming off an injury, and prior to that Atlanta rode him like a pornstar trying to break the gang-bang record. I can't see it this year.
Club Sub Convicts: Well, there's no question who will be the best running team barring injury. However, this is much more a product of good luck than astute drafting acumen (acumen!). Between Jones-Drew and Chris Johnson, he has 2 of the top 4 RBs out there. But what's interesting is what happened next- he drafted Boldin and Mason to complement Joe Flacco. I get that, but it's a gamble. I guess it comes down to 2 different schools of thought:
1. I have the best RBs in this league, so I have insurance in case my QB/WR/WR gamble doesn't pay off.
2. I have the best RBs in the league, so I should surround them with adequate players and let them take care of the rest.
He chose option 1, which I kinda agree with. Side note: pencil in a victory for Big Sloppy against him in Week 9. Johnson and MJD both have 9 as a bye week.
Also, if the Commish were to win it all this year, then we all suck. Why? Because he hadn't even HEARD of the last 4 people he drafted. "Who are these people?" came out of his mouth a few times. Normally what comes out of his mouth are the cocks of Filipino oil-tanker deckhands.
Mud's Projected Weighted Rank: 1
Sleeper: Joe Flacco. I don't really think he is much of a sleeper anymore, but Flacco is awesome. He's the superstar QB of the future without question.
Bust: Anquan Boldin: Word is they will be using him out of the slot, which he hasn't had much experience with, and the track record hasn't been very good for receivers switching teams.
DaPrez: Every league has one- the guy who brings a laptop, several spreadsheets, 15 different draft strategies, oddsmaker sheets, Red Bull, and 3 cellphones to the draft. It's like he is expecting his network of scouts to call into his war room at any minute. He's also the guy who says after each mid to late round pick "Word on the street is that this guy has chylamidia" or "His baby-momma bought a pistol last week". It's really an amazing level of dorkdom. Relax, guy! That said, he has a nice team, and I think his homework (or fucking blind luck) will get him into the playoffs this year. However, his weak week will be week 8, with Jackson, Knox and Matt Ryan on bye weeks. These things have to be considered.
Mud's Formulaic Projected Rank: 3
Sleeper: Johnny Knox. Chicago is going to be flinging the ball all over the place due to Mike Martz's incredible narcissim. Jay Cutler will have 35 TDs to go along with his 35 picks, so some of that will fall to Knox, who is the best route-runner they have.
Bust: Ryan Matthews. Please note- this is relative. I think Matthews will have a solid year, but the hype on this kid is amazing. He has yet to play a down in the NFL, remember that. There are some pundits who had this kid going in the top 10! I think he is a top-10 back, but not yet a top-10 player, so I think everyone had this kid ranked too high. This ought to be his keeper, though- he will be good, but he won't live up to the unfair expectations- at least not this season.
Doormats: Got hosed in the draft lottery, but honestly, I like this team. A lot. He has the best QB, a top-4 RB, and some wideouts that will be solid, even if unheralded in the rankings. Lots of sleeper potential here. That being said, there are some big emotional red flags going up regarding the owner- impending childbirth (and seriously, congrats- we're all happy for you. Also, the hospitals have wi-fi, so there are no excuses as to getting your lineups in. : ) as well as a devastating loss in the poker affair on draft day. But watch out for Nate Burleson- as Stafford matures, we're gonna see some big numbers, and Johnson will be double-covered, leaving Burleson to have a big year. But he isn't my sleeper.
Mud's Computed Weighted Rank: 4
Sleeper: Matt Forte. Everyone is sour on this guy because of last season, but what didn't get mentioned enough was the upheaval that occurred in Chicago's O-Line prior to last season. This guy is one of the better receiving RBs in the league, and as previously mentioned, the Bears are going to be slinging the ball all over the place. That and Chester Taylor is 146 years old. Forte is going to have a big season. Anyone see the 89-yard TD run the other night? Against Oakland, but still.
Bust: Jahvid Best. Hate to say it, but he just isn't that good. This will be Kevin Smith's job by week 5 again.
Finebeverages: I think we all know where this guy's head was on draft day. It was in Vermont, New Hampshire, Massachusetts, and Rhode Island. Therefore, it was not at the draft, and it showed. All you need to know is that his best RB is Ronnie Brown. I'm surprised he didn't try to draft some of his CF kids. But I guess that can be expected when you have to phone in your first 4 picks and spill your coffee and dip cup all over your spreadsheets while driving 75mph. Granted, his wideouts are solid, but the old adage still stands- good RBs are better than good wideouts. He's trying to be the first owner to win a league without a good RB, instead relying on a stellar QB and solid wideouts. Sorry- not buying it.
Mud's TrackMaster (TM) Conceptualized Rank: 8
Sleeper: Visanthe Shiancoe. Let's face it- Favre has no one else to throw to. Who is he going to look for when Percy Harvin collapses with a headache and Bernard Berrian trips over his own clubfoot?
Bust:Reggie Wayne. This one hurts, as he has been serviceable for so long. But he limped home last season and he hasn't gotten younger in the offseason. I still think he will be decent, but the pundits are FAWNING over him again. I can't see him putting up much more than 120 pts this season.
I'llpistolwhip.....I'm not typing the whole fucking thing: This team's fucking great, if we turn back the clock to 2005! Where the fuck did you dig these assholes up? This is the first team to completely be on Medicare! Sloppy spent the entire draft saying "Go ahead, take the guy I want!" News flash! NOBODY wanted the guys you want. This team is a perfect example of the "Best available according to what the pundits think" draft strategy. Every player has a very high projected point total, but ask Joe G how it worked out for him the year he was unable to attend the draft. Go ahead, we'll wait.
You ask him yet?
In case he isn't responding to your text, here's the answer- he missed the playoffs. Now I understand that this is the easy approach, but if I miss the playoffs, at least I'm trying an original strategy, flawed as it may be. Your team looks like an ultrasound of my colon the morning after 12 Sam Adams and 6 all the way (light on the onions).
Mud's Projectification System Weighted Rankitude: 7
Sleeper: There is none. This is what happens when you draft like this. NO ONE is shocked about any of it.
Bust: DeAngelo Williams. Another guy who is due for a letdown. Also, anyone know who Carolina's QB is? Well, neither do any of the other teams in the NFL, which means they will be keying on DeAngelo (his name is Matt Moore, by the way).
The Clapp: What's remarkable here is that this team is collectively OLDER than Sloppy's, plus he has the distinction of having "the most guys who have had some sort of elderly-person surgery". All he is missing is Sidney Rice and his hip replacement, and he would led the league in "handicapped parking spaces needed to stay within code". In fact, his team name should be changed to "The Colostomy Bags". Clapp is keeping with the old people theme right down to his absence of an avatar, as apparently he feels that these new-fangled "computation machines" are a fad and will be going away. He just bought 16 Betamax machines at a swap meet cuz "they are coming back". Clapp would insert a comment here, but he is too busy turning his team so that they don't get bedsores. What's also interesting is that the young guys he did draft are firmly connected with St Louis' offense. Wow.
Mud's Highly-Regarded "Projectitation" Weighted Rank: 6
Sleeper: All of them- they nodded off during "Murder, She Wrote".
Bust: Their hips!! nah, too easy. Steven Jackson. They have worked this guy too hard for too long. And he is coming off disc surgery. Can't be good. He'll be carted off the field by week 4.
The Fighting Amish: Boy, things are bleak in central PA. This guy takes the award for "most head cases in a single Fantasy team". Let's take a look:
Brandon Marshall- has STAB WOUNDS.
Cedric Benson- charges pending.
Michael Crabtree- thinks he is WAY better than he really is.
Jay Cutler - Type 1 diabetic who carries himself like some entitled trust-fund kid. See "Paris Hilton".
Chris Chambers - Has a DUI, and more notably, married a woman whom he had pressed charges against a year earlier for STALKING him. Way to go Chris, you just justified every stalker in the world. "Well if it worked for her, maybe then Lindsay Lohan will realize OUR TRUE LOVE...."
Rashard Mendenhall - "Enjoys reading and writing poetry in his spare time". Robbed at gunpoint in 2008. Signed an endorsement deal with Champion. I wasn't aware they still made sports apparel.
There are more, but that is enough for now. BTW, Lex Hilliard played college football for the U of Montana. That can't sit well with the Commish.
This team has the potential to be the first team ever to be entirely suspended, leading to forfeits.
Mud's "RankManaic"(tm) Gross v. Net Stack-Ranked Weighted Projection: 10
Sleeper: Davone Bess. With Marshall eating up all of the attention, Bess is gonna get some balls.
Bust: Michael Crabtree. Sorry, I'm just not yet sold.
The Rusty Trombones: Have you ever done something, like build a swingset or a deck and while you were building it thought "This is gonna be great! I'm so proud of myself!" and then when it was done you look back and realized the thing is so fucked up you won't let your kids near it?
That's my team. Seriously, I have a top-4 RB (Rice), the best WR out there (Johnson), a top-6 QB (Rivers), and absolutely NOTHING else. NOTHING. I don't even know where to start to blow this shit up. I blame the heat.
But yet part of me has high hopes for this season, and I don't know why. I have a lot of guys who could average 15-20 pts per week or 3-8 points per week and I wouldn't be surprised either way. And still I yearn for respectability, as I know that my team can handle they bidness and put in work if we make it to the Playoffs, as I am undefeated in the playoffs (y'all can suck it!)
Mud's Projection Machine (my dart board) Rank: 12
Sleeper: Zach Miller. The only guy Campbell threw to in Washington was Cooley, so it stands to reason that the only guy who he will throw to in Oakland is Miller.
Bust: My own. I love my hairy man-boobs.
The Schemers: Honeymoon is over for the Schemer. Weak Running Backs, an unresolved QB situation leading to a rough year for Larry Fitz (BTW, I'm going to write an entire article one of these days covering African-American guys with Irish names, and you will all read it. Don't lie, you'd read that fucking article), and a Championship Hangover will remove this franchise from the playoffs. Listen, pal- it's tough to bounce back. Trust me, I know.
However I think that the Schemer deserves a ton of credit for not derailing the draft the way he did last year. He picked on time, and in order, and I'm fairly certain that "not screwing that part of it up" was in the forefront of his mind. Also, that draft board was awesome. We need to make sure that we get that again next year. Commish, you're in charge of making that happen.
So my apologies, Mr. Schemer, but it looks like we will be pulling a Hedges and O'Malley and living in the basement. Together.
Mud's Projected Ranking-Thingy: 11
Sleeper: Ahmad Bradshaw. This is the year he takes Jacobs' job.
Bust:Reggie Bush. The USC bullshit will catch up to him. No doubt.
The W Boys: I used to harbor the notion that the management-power struggle of co-ownership of this team would bring it down. But draft day enlightened me. I realized that there is a shadow owner here. Kinda like the Tangiers (in "Casino"). You had the squeaky-clean owner with good PR, but in reality the mob runs the show. Well, with this team, The Rat is the Mob, and That Guy is the figurehead owner. I came to this realization when the Rat didn't say anything out loud during the whole draft- That Guy did all the talking. But when it was over, Rat said things like "I wanted this guy here" and "this player would do well for me in my lineup". Not "us" or "we". "I" and "me". Telling, very telling. It definitely brings a different dimension into it.
That said, I dig this team, and I think it will do great things this season. As usual, I expect this team to hang around and earn a playoff spot.
Mud's Fantasy-Project-a-Rank Weighted YOY Fiscal Report Before EBITA (Earnings Before Interest, Taxation, and Amortization): 2
Sleeper: Devin Aromashodu. This guy can fly. I have already discussed that I think Chi-town's O will be pretty insane, and this guys will open eyes.
Bust: Kellen Winslow. He's not even CLOSE to being the same player he was a few years ago. It's all over for him.
So there you have it. That's my full listing of....
Wait, there's another team? Oh, right....
The Warriors: Here, Terminator gives us a lesson in why it is important to at least think about bye weeks when drafting. His team looks like every player has one of 2 different bye weeks. Let's break it down a bit.
Week 5: Brady, Ricky Williams, Mike Wallace, Rob Gronkowski
Week 8: Mohamed Massaquoi, Kevin Kolb, Victor Cruz (who?), Jason Avant, Ravens D
That's half of his team. Factor in that several of these players are of the "in the previous season 4 or more different owners have picked this guy up off the waiver wire and then dropped him" type and I smell a long season for the Warriors. Besides, the Baseball Furies are the preferred gang in that movie. Really, 7 out of 10 fans of that movie supported the Baseball Furies. I'm not kidding! Look it up!
He also put himself in an interesting situation. Let's look at his RBs and assume that 3 will start.
Shonn Greene- starter
Ricky Williams - starter
Then who is next? Felix Jones or Marion Barber? Each week he will have this dilemma. And I really hate the expression "It's a nice problem to have". Well, what good does that do, saying it's a "nice" problem? It's still a fucking problem, and when you pick the wrong guy one week it still pisses you off and makes you feel worse than if you DIDN'T have that fucking problem! So fuck the fucking problem!
Mud's Project-a-Ranking Opinion of this Fucking Team: 9
Sleeper: Victor Cruz. No, I'm just kidding. This guy's gonna get cut. I really meant Pierre Garcon. This is the year that he surpasses Reggie Wayne as the #1 guy in Indy.
Bust: Mike Wallace. He has "high ankle sprain- out 8-12 weeks" written all over him.
Ok, now I have everyone. If you need me, I'll be sitting in the room with the air conditioning. Good luck to all, and I'm excited for another epic Fantasy season.
Bye bye now!
So as always, here's my team-by-team rankings and draft review. In accordance with the classical tradition, if you don't like what I have to say, please blow it out your ass. And a special message to the Commish- I like your little blurbs about draft day that you posted on the website. Nice. Do it again and I'll have your legs broken. This is my house.
Quick note: Special thanks to That Guy for hosting the draft as part of his Freedom Tour. However, the Freedom Tour needs some logistical help, as "air conditioning" should have been on the rider. Seriously, I think he set the oven to 450 degrees and left the door open. In fact, when we were informed of the absence of air conditioning, it led to this exchange between That Guy, Terminator, and myself:
Me: I thought you had central air.
Terminator: Right, we figured it's a newer house, and most newer homes have central air...
That Guy: Air conditioning??? Ha ha! Suck on my shit!
Here are some things to consider going forward:
1. None of us are in shape. Really, if you have a bunch of fat guys eating, drinking, breathing with difficulty, shouting, sweating, and on occasion thinking, then it's gonna be fucking hot. Which it was. As the Commish said, you all should be thankful that I didn't remove my shirt, because I was seriously considering it.
2. I would have happily brought a window air conditioner, and I think a few others would have as well. I also would have thrown some $ at the electric bill. As others would have. I have confirmed this with multiple owners.
3. An e-mail should have gone out to say "I don't have air conditioning". We would have taken care of the rest, problem solved! As it was we had to balance a fan on top of a cooler and the damn thing kept falling off. The Commish and DaPrez were so frustrated by this that they nearly stuck their faces in the fucking thing to end the misery. And we would have drank their blood. Wait, what?
So let's look at the team-by-team breakdown in no particular order (actually, that's not true- I now realize it is alphabetical by team name).
A'S AVATARS: It's about time HRD got rid of the stupid "CAPTAIN MORGAN MEN" name. However, he still fails to realize that computers have "shift" keys, so his team name remains capitalized. Here's a sample e-mail from HRD:
HEY MUD HOW ARE YOU I I HOPE THE FAMILY IS DOING WELL COWBOYS YANKEES GO FUCK YOUR FACE SIGNED AC (attachment: some lewd pornographic act involving a 400-lb woman)
I think he has a nice team here, despite the strange draft strategy. He drafted a kicker and a defense before a QB, which I find interesting, and then drafted three QBs. To make a Postal Service analogy, it's sorta like delivering the "You're Pre-Approved!" mail before the Priority Mail, which I'm pretty sure he does in real life. This team has no discernible strengths or weaknesses- they look mediocre/semi-solid down the line, even if they are mostly old/has-beens. But look at it this way, HRD: As long as something semi-solid is coming out of you, how bad can it be? That's right, I made an Irritable Bowel Syndrome joke. Despite all that, the only bowl I see in your future is the....well, I already made that joke, so let's move on.
Mud's Weighted Projected Rank: 5
Sleeper: Vince Young. I feel a bounce-back from this kid. All he has ever done is win, and this year, he's gonna have some sick stats.
Bust: Michael Turner. I don't understand why all the pundits rank him so high. He's coming off an injury, and prior to that Atlanta rode him like a pornstar trying to break the gang-bang record. I can't see it this year.
Club Sub Convicts: Well, there's no question who will be the best running team barring injury. However, this is much more a product of good luck than astute drafting acumen (acumen!). Between Jones-Drew and Chris Johnson, he has 2 of the top 4 RBs out there. But what's interesting is what happened next- he drafted Boldin and Mason to complement Joe Flacco. I get that, but it's a gamble. I guess it comes down to 2 different schools of thought:
1. I have the best RBs in this league, so I have insurance in case my QB/WR/WR gamble doesn't pay off.
2. I have the best RBs in the league, so I should surround them with adequate players and let them take care of the rest.
He chose option 1, which I kinda agree with. Side note: pencil in a victory for Big Sloppy against him in Week 9. Johnson and MJD both have 9 as a bye week.
Also, if the Commish were to win it all this year, then we all suck. Why? Because he hadn't even HEARD of the last 4 people he drafted. "Who are these people?" came out of his mouth a few times. Normally what comes out of his mouth are the cocks of Filipino oil-tanker deckhands.
Mud's Projected Weighted Rank: 1
Sleeper: Joe Flacco. I don't really think he is much of a sleeper anymore, but Flacco is awesome. He's the superstar QB of the future without question.
Bust: Anquan Boldin: Word is they will be using him out of the slot, which he hasn't had much experience with, and the track record hasn't been very good for receivers switching teams.
DaPrez: Every league has one- the guy who brings a laptop, several spreadsheets, 15 different draft strategies, oddsmaker sheets, Red Bull, and 3 cellphones to the draft. It's like he is expecting his network of scouts to call into his war room at any minute. He's also the guy who says after each mid to late round pick "Word on the street is that this guy has chylamidia" or "His baby-momma bought a pistol last week". It's really an amazing level of dorkdom. Relax, guy! That said, he has a nice team, and I think his homework (or fucking blind luck) will get him into the playoffs this year. However, his weak week will be week 8, with Jackson, Knox and Matt Ryan on bye weeks. These things have to be considered.
Mud's Formulaic Projected Rank: 3
Sleeper: Johnny Knox. Chicago is going to be flinging the ball all over the place due to Mike Martz's incredible narcissim. Jay Cutler will have 35 TDs to go along with his 35 picks, so some of that will fall to Knox, who is the best route-runner they have.
Bust: Ryan Matthews. Please note- this is relative. I think Matthews will have a solid year, but the hype on this kid is amazing. He has yet to play a down in the NFL, remember that. There are some pundits who had this kid going in the top 10! I think he is a top-10 back, but not yet a top-10 player, so I think everyone had this kid ranked too high. This ought to be his keeper, though- he will be good, but he won't live up to the unfair expectations- at least not this season.
Doormats: Got hosed in the draft lottery, but honestly, I like this team. A lot. He has the best QB, a top-4 RB, and some wideouts that will be solid, even if unheralded in the rankings. Lots of sleeper potential here. That being said, there are some big emotional red flags going up regarding the owner- impending childbirth (and seriously, congrats- we're all happy for you. Also, the hospitals have wi-fi, so there are no excuses as to getting your lineups in. : ) as well as a devastating loss in the poker affair on draft day. But watch out for Nate Burleson- as Stafford matures, we're gonna see some big numbers, and Johnson will be double-covered, leaving Burleson to have a big year. But he isn't my sleeper.
Mud's Computed Weighted Rank: 4
Sleeper: Matt Forte. Everyone is sour on this guy because of last season, but what didn't get mentioned enough was the upheaval that occurred in Chicago's O-Line prior to last season. This guy is one of the better receiving RBs in the league, and as previously mentioned, the Bears are going to be slinging the ball all over the place. That and Chester Taylor is 146 years old. Forte is going to have a big season. Anyone see the 89-yard TD run the other night? Against Oakland, but still.
Bust: Jahvid Best. Hate to say it, but he just isn't that good. This will be Kevin Smith's job by week 5 again.
Finebeverages: I think we all know where this guy's head was on draft day. It was in Vermont, New Hampshire, Massachusetts, and Rhode Island. Therefore, it was not at the draft, and it showed. All you need to know is that his best RB is Ronnie Brown. I'm surprised he didn't try to draft some of his CF kids. But I guess that can be expected when you have to phone in your first 4 picks and spill your coffee and dip cup all over your spreadsheets while driving 75mph. Granted, his wideouts are solid, but the old adage still stands- good RBs are better than good wideouts. He's trying to be the first owner to win a league without a good RB, instead relying on a stellar QB and solid wideouts. Sorry- not buying it.
Mud's TrackMaster (TM) Conceptualized Rank: 8
Sleeper: Visanthe Shiancoe. Let's face it- Favre has no one else to throw to. Who is he going to look for when Percy Harvin collapses with a headache and Bernard Berrian trips over his own clubfoot?
Bust:Reggie Wayne. This one hurts, as he has been serviceable for so long. But he limped home last season and he hasn't gotten younger in the offseason. I still think he will be decent, but the pundits are FAWNING over him again. I can't see him putting up much more than 120 pts this season.
I'llpistolwhip.....I'm not typing the whole fucking thing: This team's fucking great, if we turn back the clock to 2005! Where the fuck did you dig these assholes up? This is the first team to completely be on Medicare! Sloppy spent the entire draft saying "Go ahead, take the guy I want!" News flash! NOBODY wanted the guys you want. This team is a perfect example of the "Best available according to what the pundits think" draft strategy. Every player has a very high projected point total, but ask Joe G how it worked out for him the year he was unable to attend the draft. Go ahead, we'll wait.
You ask him yet?
In case he isn't responding to your text, here's the answer- he missed the playoffs. Now I understand that this is the easy approach, but if I miss the playoffs, at least I'm trying an original strategy, flawed as it may be. Your team looks like an ultrasound of my colon the morning after 12 Sam Adams and 6 all the way (light on the onions).
Mud's Projectification System Weighted Rankitude: 7
Sleeper: There is none. This is what happens when you draft like this. NO ONE is shocked about any of it.
Bust: DeAngelo Williams. Another guy who is due for a letdown. Also, anyone know who Carolina's QB is? Well, neither do any of the other teams in the NFL, which means they will be keying on DeAngelo (his name is Matt Moore, by the way).
The Clapp: What's remarkable here is that this team is collectively OLDER than Sloppy's, plus he has the distinction of having "the most guys who have had some sort of elderly-person surgery". All he is missing is Sidney Rice and his hip replacement, and he would led the league in "handicapped parking spaces needed to stay within code". In fact, his team name should be changed to "The Colostomy Bags". Clapp is keeping with the old people theme right down to his absence of an avatar, as apparently he feels that these new-fangled "computation machines" are a fad and will be going away. He just bought 16 Betamax machines at a swap meet cuz "they are coming back". Clapp would insert a comment here, but he is too busy turning his team so that they don't get bedsores. What's also interesting is that the young guys he did draft are firmly connected with St Louis' offense. Wow.
Mud's Highly-Regarded "Projectitation" Weighted Rank: 6
Sleeper: All of them- they nodded off during "Murder, She Wrote".
Bust: Their hips!! nah, too easy. Steven Jackson. They have worked this guy too hard for too long. And he is coming off disc surgery. Can't be good. He'll be carted off the field by week 4.
The Fighting Amish: Boy, things are bleak in central PA. This guy takes the award for "most head cases in a single Fantasy team". Let's take a look:
Brandon Marshall- has STAB WOUNDS.
Cedric Benson- charges pending.
Michael Crabtree- thinks he is WAY better than he really is.
Jay Cutler - Type 1 diabetic who carries himself like some entitled trust-fund kid. See "Paris Hilton".
Chris Chambers - Has a DUI, and more notably, married a woman whom he had pressed charges against a year earlier for STALKING him. Way to go Chris, you just justified every stalker in the world. "Well if it worked for her, maybe then Lindsay Lohan will realize OUR TRUE LOVE...."
Rashard Mendenhall - "Enjoys reading and writing poetry in his spare time". Robbed at gunpoint in 2008. Signed an endorsement deal with Champion. I wasn't aware they still made sports apparel.
There are more, but that is enough for now. BTW, Lex Hilliard played college football for the U of Montana. That can't sit well with the Commish.
This team has the potential to be the first team ever to be entirely suspended, leading to forfeits.
Mud's "RankManaic"(tm) Gross v. Net Stack-Ranked Weighted Projection: 10
Sleeper: Davone Bess. With Marshall eating up all of the attention, Bess is gonna get some balls.
Bust: Michael Crabtree. Sorry, I'm just not yet sold.
The Rusty Trombones: Have you ever done something, like build a swingset or a deck and while you were building it thought "This is gonna be great! I'm so proud of myself!" and then when it was done you look back and realized the thing is so fucked up you won't let your kids near it?
That's my team. Seriously, I have a top-4 RB (Rice), the best WR out there (Johnson), a top-6 QB (Rivers), and absolutely NOTHING else. NOTHING. I don't even know where to start to blow this shit up. I blame the heat.
But yet part of me has high hopes for this season, and I don't know why. I have a lot of guys who could average 15-20 pts per week or 3-8 points per week and I wouldn't be surprised either way. And still I yearn for respectability, as I know that my team can handle they bidness and put in work if we make it to the Playoffs, as I am undefeated in the playoffs (y'all can suck it!)
Mud's Projection Machine (my dart board) Rank: 12
Sleeper: Zach Miller. The only guy Campbell threw to in Washington was Cooley, so it stands to reason that the only guy who he will throw to in Oakland is Miller.
Bust: My own. I love my hairy man-boobs.
The Schemers: Honeymoon is over for the Schemer. Weak Running Backs, an unresolved QB situation leading to a rough year for Larry Fitz (BTW, I'm going to write an entire article one of these days covering African-American guys with Irish names, and you will all read it. Don't lie, you'd read that fucking article), and a Championship Hangover will remove this franchise from the playoffs. Listen, pal- it's tough to bounce back. Trust me, I know.
However I think that the Schemer deserves a ton of credit for not derailing the draft the way he did last year. He picked on time, and in order, and I'm fairly certain that "not screwing that part of it up" was in the forefront of his mind. Also, that draft board was awesome. We need to make sure that we get that again next year. Commish, you're in charge of making that happen.
So my apologies, Mr. Schemer, but it looks like we will be pulling a Hedges and O'Malley and living in the basement. Together.
Mud's Projected Ranking-Thingy: 11
Sleeper: Ahmad Bradshaw. This is the year he takes Jacobs' job.
Bust:Reggie Bush. The USC bullshit will catch up to him. No doubt.
The W Boys: I used to harbor the notion that the management-power struggle of co-ownership of this team would bring it down. But draft day enlightened me. I realized that there is a shadow owner here. Kinda like the Tangiers (in "Casino"). You had the squeaky-clean owner with good PR, but in reality the mob runs the show. Well, with this team, The Rat is the Mob, and That Guy is the figurehead owner. I came to this realization when the Rat didn't say anything out loud during the whole draft- That Guy did all the talking. But when it was over, Rat said things like "I wanted this guy here" and "this player would do well for me in my lineup". Not "us" or "we". "I" and "me". Telling, very telling. It definitely brings a different dimension into it.
That said, I dig this team, and I think it will do great things this season. As usual, I expect this team to hang around and earn a playoff spot.
Mud's Fantasy-Project-a-Rank Weighted YOY Fiscal Report Before EBITA (Earnings Before Interest, Taxation, and Amortization): 2
Sleeper: Devin Aromashodu. This guy can fly. I have already discussed that I think Chi-town's O will be pretty insane, and this guys will open eyes.
Bust: Kellen Winslow. He's not even CLOSE to being the same player he was a few years ago. It's all over for him.
So there you have it. That's my full listing of....
Wait, there's another team? Oh, right....
The Warriors: Here, Terminator gives us a lesson in why it is important to at least think about bye weeks when drafting. His team looks like every player has one of 2 different bye weeks. Let's break it down a bit.
Week 5: Brady, Ricky Williams, Mike Wallace, Rob Gronkowski
Week 8: Mohamed Massaquoi, Kevin Kolb, Victor Cruz (who?), Jason Avant, Ravens D
That's half of his team. Factor in that several of these players are of the "in the previous season 4 or more different owners have picked this guy up off the waiver wire and then dropped him" type and I smell a long season for the Warriors. Besides, the Baseball Furies are the preferred gang in that movie. Really, 7 out of 10 fans of that movie supported the Baseball Furies. I'm not kidding! Look it up!
He also put himself in an interesting situation. Let's look at his RBs and assume that 3 will start.
Shonn Greene- starter
Ricky Williams - starter
Then who is next? Felix Jones or Marion Barber? Each week he will have this dilemma. And I really hate the expression "It's a nice problem to have". Well, what good does that do, saying it's a "nice" problem? It's still a fucking problem, and when you pick the wrong guy one week it still pisses you off and makes you feel worse than if you DIDN'T have that fucking problem! So fuck the fucking problem!
Mud's Project-a-Ranking Opinion of this Fucking Team: 9
Sleeper: Victor Cruz. No, I'm just kidding. This guy's gonna get cut. I really meant Pierre Garcon. This is the year that he surpasses Reggie Wayne as the #1 guy in Indy.
Bust: Mike Wallace. He has "high ankle sprain- out 8-12 weeks" written all over him.
Ok, now I have everyone. If you need me, I'll be sitting in the room with the air conditioning. Good luck to all, and I'm excited for another epic Fantasy season.
Bye bye now!
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
Friday, August 13, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Tuesday, July 06, 2010
Monday, July 05, 2010
Saturday, July 03, 2010
Friday, July 02, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Saturday, June 05, 2010
Saturday, May 29, 2010
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