The Club Sub Vegas Rider by the VP Frank White

The Celebrity "rider" is the contract that contains all the ridiculous demands that rock stars, actors, comedians and whatever it is that Kathy Griffin is,  have when they perform at a concert or other venue. As expected they reveal the deep rooted spoiled and childish nature of the stars. Van Halen famously requested that all the brown m & m's be removed from a bowl in their backstage dressing room. From there it just gets worse and worse. Paul Mcartney demands 24 bars of ivory soap, everything must be white for JHo, including the flowers, furniture and curtains (though not her stanky brown balloon knot), while Mary J "Bilge" requests a new toilet seat be installed prior to her using the dressing room at every venue. Unfortunately i am not making any of this up. And so, of course, with the aid of many miller lites, we developed the "Club Sub Vegas 2011 Rider of all Riders".  For whoever is booking our hotel, this is to be given to them and demanded that every detail, no matter how ludicrous, must be met, or we will pout. As we have no idea which rooms we will end up in, we demand all of the following items be included in each room. These are the daily requests per room.

6 large black ice coffees per room per day, no milk no sugar no nothing but the nectar of caffeine and ice cubes. Tim Hortans or D&D only. No fancy starbux shit.
Two 30 pack of miller lite bottles on ice per day-however they must be iced so that the labels do not melt off the bottles and get on our hands when we drink. This will be grounds for a tantrum. Therefore the bottles must not actually be located within the water and ice. You have 7  months to figure out how to accomplish this.
Three bags of Burger King. you are to order the smelliest food that BK has so that the rooms will never be the same.
Unlimited supplies of bacon.
One vat of Lard
2 pizzas made entirely out of meat, no dough involved. Again 7 months.
Two Dozen Pair of babies feet. Fresh.
The finest spit cup known to man, for tobacco. It must be designed in such a way that it looks so nice that someone is bound to pick it up and look at it, only to vomit when they see what's inside of it.
1 Jar of Jalapeno Flakes
2 Bags of Jalapeno sunflower seeds
1 Jar of Tucks ass pads
1 Case of Imodium
1 Case of Tums
The toilet must be linked to the music system so that when a member drops a dump, the following two songs play "You've been....Thunderstruck" and "You dropped the bomb on me".  Again you have 7 months to figure this out.
A month's supply of "hard on" hair products for men
Hats, lots and lots of hats
Enough sun tan lotion that if spilled in the ocean, New Orleans Shrimp Captains would just give up.
1 jar Claussen Pickles
1 jar tostitos gross yellow cheese
1 Case of Yeingling beer
1 dozen Romeo and Julieta Cuban cigars
1 Bottle of Johnny Walker Blue
1 Bottle of XO Congac
1 Giant poster of Alyssa Milano, preferably post "who's the boss", but pre "charmed", and definitely pre her dating every single baseball and hockey player.
1 jar vaseline
1 box kleenex (for the crying)
All room thermostats set at 54 degress with an ethnic retinal scan security id so that no one can alter the temperature unless they are portugese with brown eyes.
A single huge sitting fan that is typically used to test parachutes but in this case will be used to cool off some Members because 54 degrees in the room isn't enough
2 sets of ear plugs
"OPP" must be playing 24/7 on a constant loop, in the room and throughout the hotel
2 Cases of bottled water, from somewhere remote, classy, exotic and pure, like Mexico
All pictures on the walls must be of Naked Gun Scenes
All tv's must be playing Naked Gun movies, when not playing Naked Gun, they must be on CNBC between 930 and 4. After that, espn.
Two boxes of deli pizza shipped from RI daily.
One cellphone blocker so that none of our phones work.
An large armed security guard to travel with certain members and keep them out of trouble. Most likely users include The Mailman, Clap, and Yung Flanagan.
Not requested: condoms. Half the members have been fixed. Half are loyally married. Half couldn't get lucky even in Vegas. Many fit all threes overlapping criteria. Hence condoms not needed.
Not requested: 24 bars of soap. soap delays the amount of time a member is either gambling, eating, drinking or sleeping. The showers should be designed to mix soap and water in the shower head so that the spray itself already includes a soap/water mix. Called 'soater". Again you have 7 months. By the way why hasn't anyone thought of this? i may just patent it. oh yeah sucks when you look up at the nozzle and get soap in your eyes. now i get it.
Every time we exit an elevator to leave the building, the PA system must be linked to the music system in the hotel,  and the following song must be heard: "For those about to Rock, we Salute You!"