Well folks, the regular season has ended for the CS FF league,which means that for 8 of us, there is nothing left to live for. Well, rejoice fellow suckfest attendees! I'm here to provide my review and grades for each team in our league. Remember, this is completely subjective, and if y'all don't dig it, then go to Hell.
The Real Deal:
DaPrez, 11-3 (A)
Great season for DaPrez. Second in total points scored, and only 2 teams had more points scored against them. However, several key players may see bench time in the next 2 weeks, which does not bode well for the playoffs.
Points, points, points:
W Boys, 9-5 (B+)
An absolute offensive juggernaut. Overall points leader- set a single week record for points in week 9 against Team Mud. And more importantly, their key players are on teams that are playing the last 2 weeks for their playoff lives. They could be the last one standing when all is said and done.
One and done:
Destroyers, 8-6 (B)
This team is not built for the playoffs. Solid regular season, but bye-bye Destroyers. See you in August.
We were really pulling for you, pal:
Team Florida 8-6 (B)
Despite nearly drafting themselves into the cellar, Team Florida management did a great job throughout the season and was narrowly shoved out of the playoffs in a tiebreaker. I personally am happy for Team Florida management, who relentlessly got their cojones broke in the past 2 seasons. Way to send a message. You beat the snot out of Team Mud. Great job, G.
You have no business being in the playoffs. I think there is some "business' going on up in here:
The Convicts 10-4 (A+)
This team scored the sixth-fewest total points, yet somehow got a #2 seed. NO teams had fewer points scored against them. I think that since it's the Commish team, some rules may have been interpreted "loosely" to benefit them, which is why they get an A+ grade. Good work. Not only that, they limped in by not scoring more than 15 points in the last 3 weeks. Good luck in the playoffs, where you will face the highest-scoring team in the league. You are the Jets to the W's Pats this week. And you're a stinky, diarrhea-filled toilet. One love, homey.
The completely unremarkables:
The Schemers 7-7 (C+)
Had the best quarterback in the history of mankind, yet was completely and utterly mediocre. It would help to own a computer. Snatched defeat from the jaws of victory several times. But of course, a rookie in this league...Look for big things next year.
The Warriors 6-8 (D)
I don't have much to say. Won big in the final week when the season was already decided. Peaked a bit too late, I guess. And this guy is a coach. God help CF.
Hot Corner 7-7 (C-)
This one scored the second fewest points in the league and ended up .500. That's good work. Or good luck. Or something. Should have been 5-9. Watch out if he figures out how to score next season.
Fat Twins on Bikes 6-7-1 (D-)
Can't believe the Randy Moss trade. That alone gets you the D-. Wait until he finds out that he can't keep Stephen Jackson since he was kept last year (I don't know if there is a rule about this- I'm just trying to stir the pot).
Simply awful:
The Fighting Amish 4-10 (F+)
I just don't know what to say. Started out real strong via "automatic draft" but quickly fell into disrepair once he actually started managing the team. Next season, let the computers do the work for you.
Captain Morgan Men 4-10 (F)
Let's look at a stat for the defending champ:
Fewest points scored. 'Nuff said. Defense does not win FF leagues. Not only did he score the fewest points, but the team that scored the next fewest (our Amish friends) outscored him by nearly 10 points per week.
And finally...
Oh, cruel fate! Why do you mock me?
or
The "Woe is me" file
Team Mud 3-10-1 (F-)
This team was slapped around more than the woman who started to freak out in Airplane! Teams were drooling when they saw that they were playing Team Mud. I make no excuses, and gave myself the worst grade because i was the worst team. However, let's do some statistical analysis here.
#9 in total points scored (that's right, i outscored 3 teams)
#12 in total points scored against. The team that had the next highest points-against total had 199 fewer points scored against them, which means that teams scored 14 more points per week against me. That's like having an extra player.
#1 in rapes by Running Backs. Thanks Mr. Alexander. Next time, use lube.
My final note:
Good luck to all in the playoffs. As always, a very fun year. I look forward to next sesaon, and Merry Christmas to all of you and your families.
My new favorite web clip:
www.collegeslackers.com/video/597
Ding fries are done!
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Club Sub Member Profile of the Month: Big Sloppy
Editor's Note: The member profile of the month has slacked of late, but it's not entirely my fault. The latest marketing campaign that management has employed, called "Join Club Sub and We'll Do You in the Ass", hasn't been as successful as anticipated, and there aren't many new members to write about. But somehow, Big Sloppy fell through the cracks (no pun intended), so we're getting him on the record.
From the beginning of time, Man has ceaselessly pursued the art of perfection. From the advent of usable fire, to the invention of heavy weaponry, to the everyday use of technology that as recently as 20 years ago seemed unattainable. Despite these efforts, perfection has always seemed out of reach- a carrot no man could catch up to- though seemingly in our grasp, it has eluded Man to the point that it has driven some of the most genius of our species to the brink of insanity and beyond.
Which leads us to one man...A man who will not understand the previous paragraph..A man who single-handedly raised the value of Burger King stock $.37 cents per share during a 3-week span in August '06...A man who is criticized by the fellow members of his organization for a weak initiation ritual...A man who will be forever known for the "Dante Hall Incident"...A man who will simply be known to all as "Big Sloppy".
I sat down with this man to try to understand what makes him tick. What I found was unfathomable on so many levels that I had to change my pants twice.
CSB: Let's cut to the chase. I was not aware that "White Slavery" was even on the books as a crime anymore.
BS: Me neither. It's a [expletive] charge. Skankery is an art, and it's a shame that the Man feels a need to pull rank here. Don't hate the player, hate the...
CSB (interrupting): Yeah, yeah, whatever. We've all heard the line. Now let's talks about sacks of burgers...
BS: You got some?
CSB: No, we just want to talk about them. How many burgers usually per bag?
BS: It varies..Normally 2-3 if they are smaller burgers, but I'll usually do a couple Whoppers and an order of fries and the biggest iced coffee i can get my hands on. I was a Bess Eaton fan, but Tim Horton's isn't too bad. But I've been hitting up D&D lately.
CSB: Does it bother you that you are perceived as a degenerate gambler?
BS: I am?
CSB: Moving on...How has becoming a Club Sub member changed your life?
BS: It's afforded me influence that I couldn't imagine living without. Because of my membership, I have acheived greatness that I could only dream about. It's a fact that other players at poker tournaments will fold pots to me because they know who I roll with.
CSB: Is it true that your affiliation with Club Sub was responsible for your muscling in on the Woonsocket Co-Ed CYO softball organization?
BS: Those frogs never saw it coming. I ousted Roland with the "offer he couldn't refuse" trick. I told him that either his signature or the condiments from my Double Cheeseburger would end up on the paper. He signed it...Wouldn't you? There were pickles on it.
CSB: How many clipboards do you own?
BS: 17 at last count...But I'm always checking the Staples & Office Depot fliers in the Sunday paper for deals. You can never have enough.
CSB: Are you now settling down with one woman?
BS: C'mon now...You know I can't answer that.
CSB: But her family is a prominent sponsor of...
BS: NEXT [expletive] QUESTION, you FAT piece of [expletive].
CSB: Who is the most important member of your softball team?
BS: What the Hell kinda question is that? No one else is organized enough to run that show. You know damn well who it is.
CSB: So you are saying that it's you?
BS: Of course it's me. Who buys the loaded bat? Who pulls out the most obsure rules at the most opportune times? Who insists that we play at a field with a short porch so that we can hit copious amounts of home runs?
CSB: "Copious" equals 5?
BS: Admittedly it didn't work out last year. Terminator hit 3 in one game...Highlight of the season. But because of that bat we made it to the playoffs.
CSB: Actually, we made it to the play-in game, which we won...But we ended up facing the softball equivalent of the 1992 Duke basketball team and got killed.
BS: True, but it was a step in the right direction for us.
CSB: Are you at all concerned that Hitman, since he holds seniority and higher status in the Club Sub organization, will attempt to oust you as manager of the softball team?
BS: Bring it on. I'll do him in the ass.
CSB: Actually that marketing campaign has been pulled.
BS: Oh, really? I guess that makes sense.
CSB: Thanks for your time. This interview is over.
BS: OH YEAH???? WELL, THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER! (flips table, storms away)
CSB: I already said that.
BS: (walking away) OK, well give my best to the family then.
From the beginning of time, Man has ceaselessly pursued the art of perfection. From the advent of usable fire, to the invention of heavy weaponry, to the everyday use of technology that as recently as 20 years ago seemed unattainable. Despite these efforts, perfection has always seemed out of reach- a carrot no man could catch up to- though seemingly in our grasp, it has eluded Man to the point that it has driven some of the most genius of our species to the brink of insanity and beyond.
Which leads us to one man...A man who will not understand the previous paragraph..A man who single-handedly raised the value of Burger King stock $.37 cents per share during a 3-week span in August '06...A man who is criticized by the fellow members of his organization for a weak initiation ritual...A man who will be forever known for the "Dante Hall Incident"...A man who will simply be known to all as "Big Sloppy".
I sat down with this man to try to understand what makes him tick. What I found was unfathomable on so many levels that I had to change my pants twice.
CSB: Let's cut to the chase. I was not aware that "White Slavery" was even on the books as a crime anymore.
BS: Me neither. It's a [expletive] charge. Skankery is an art, and it's a shame that the Man feels a need to pull rank here. Don't hate the player, hate the...
CSB (interrupting): Yeah, yeah, whatever. We've all heard the line. Now let's talks about sacks of burgers...
BS: You got some?
CSB: No, we just want to talk about them. How many burgers usually per bag?
BS: It varies..Normally 2-3 if they are smaller burgers, but I'll usually do a couple Whoppers and an order of fries and the biggest iced coffee i can get my hands on. I was a Bess Eaton fan, but Tim Horton's isn't too bad. But I've been hitting up D&D lately.
CSB: Does it bother you that you are perceived as a degenerate gambler?
BS: I am?
CSB: Moving on...How has becoming a Club Sub member changed your life?
BS: It's afforded me influence that I couldn't imagine living without. Because of my membership, I have acheived greatness that I could only dream about. It's a fact that other players at poker tournaments will fold pots to me because they know who I roll with.
CSB: Is it true that your affiliation with Club Sub was responsible for your muscling in on the Woonsocket Co-Ed CYO softball organization?
BS: Those frogs never saw it coming. I ousted Roland with the "offer he couldn't refuse" trick. I told him that either his signature or the condiments from my Double Cheeseburger would end up on the paper. He signed it...Wouldn't you? There were pickles on it.
CSB: How many clipboards do you own?
BS: 17 at last count...But I'm always checking the Staples & Office Depot fliers in the Sunday paper for deals. You can never have enough.
CSB: Are you now settling down with one woman?
BS: C'mon now...You know I can't answer that.
CSB: But her family is a prominent sponsor of...
BS: NEXT [expletive] QUESTION, you FAT piece of [expletive].
CSB: Who is the most important member of your softball team?
BS: What the Hell kinda question is that? No one else is organized enough to run that show. You know damn well who it is.
CSB: So you are saying that it's you?
BS: Of course it's me. Who buys the loaded bat? Who pulls out the most obsure rules at the most opportune times? Who insists that we play at a field with a short porch so that we can hit copious amounts of home runs?
CSB: "Copious" equals 5?
BS: Admittedly it didn't work out last year. Terminator hit 3 in one game...Highlight of the season. But because of that bat we made it to the playoffs.
CSB: Actually, we made it to the play-in game, which we won...But we ended up facing the softball equivalent of the 1992 Duke basketball team and got killed.
BS: True, but it was a step in the right direction for us.
CSB: Are you at all concerned that Hitman, since he holds seniority and higher status in the Club Sub organization, will attempt to oust you as manager of the softball team?
BS: Bring it on. I'll do him in the ass.
CSB: Actually that marketing campaign has been pulled.
BS: Oh, really? I guess that makes sense.
CSB: Thanks for your time. This interview is over.
BS: OH YEAH???? WELL, THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER! (flips table, storms away)
CSB: I already said that.
BS: (walking away) OK, well give my best to the family then.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Club Sub leads Pats' Attack vs Cowboys, Pavement attacks Flanagan
Club Sub leads Pats Attack vs Cowboys, Pavement attacks Flanagan
(note this blog was delayed as the writer did not have full use of his hands until 4 pm today.)
- Best line of the trip: the anti Ward, Clap, with this line out of nowhere: After Osama told us we’d be paying 13$ extra for his cab due to 7 people in it, and after he then sped over a vicious Texas sized speed bump, Clap uttered the immortal: “now you can use the $13 bucks to fix your fucking muffler”
- Best eating display: Club Sub takes down 100 wings (minus 5 on the floor) at buffalo wild wings
- Most used lines:
- 1. “Down, and to the left” said numerous times at Dealey plaza.
- 2. “That’s ok, we know how you treat guests from the Northeast, we just left Dealey plaza” (Flanagan to numerous Texans)
- (side note - best comeback to #2: “he should have sped up the limo”
- 3. “Fuck the Cowboys”
- 4. “Fuck you hillbillies”
- 5. “How could he put Gagne in?”
- 6. “How many wings would Mud have eaten?”
- 7. “I’m tapping out” Fic announcing he’d be going to bed after a night of booze and poker, and after he was already sleeping for 2 hours on the couch.
- 8. “I have a confession to make, I used your toothbrush… again” Scheemer to yung Flanagan
- 9. “what color toothbrush should I buy that you won’t mistake? Flanagan to Scheemer
- 10. “Get a toy one like Winnie the pooh or something” Scheemer to Flanagan.
- 11. Good morning Crash: Dan V to Flanagan, day of departure.
- 1. “Down, and to the left” said numerous times at Dealey plaza.
- The “you spoke to soon award” to Big Sloppy: “I keep hearing about Fic and Flanagan and haven’t seen anything”
- The “ keep pushing even after you’re done award” to Fic for announcing that there was a chance we could have gotten private box tickets from his wifes cousin who is a big shot at 7 UP
- The 2nd best Clap quote award: “Fic let’s see if your cousin is working”-after the van passed a 7 Eleven
- Pregame notes: arriving before sunrise, Club sub was pumped from the start, with eats, drinks and football keeping all entertained. Locals began arriving, seemingly with their houses hitched to their ford chevy trucks. They take “this is our country” serious btw. Full screen tvs, Dish satellites, aquariums and lawnmowers (ok I made the last 2 up) were everywhere in the parking lot. Additionally there was a clear hatred toward the patriots, visible by the following:
- 1. The Tom Brady dummy hanging in effigy wearing a dress
- 2. the sign on the 1 port a potty in the parking lot (thanks jerry jones you big spender) that said: Patriots locker room
- 3. the signs hinting that belichek cheats, each one consistently misspelling belichek
- 1. The Tom Brady dummy hanging in effigy wearing a dress
- The game began with our national anthem, sung by a hillbilly. With the crowd at attention, quiet and respectful, Billy Ray Cyrus gave the typical pause after the OH Say can you see…which was filled by yung flanagan’s scream “T.O. SUCKS!” which did not go over well with the locals.
- The game was very exciting though marred by the halftime display in which
- It was at some point in the 2nd half after the Patriots pulled away that things turned heated, as the Hitman entered into a verbal match with one Cleetus A. Cleetus, who with one foot and a flight of stairs separating them, invited the Hitman into the parking lot for what one could only assume would have been then end of Cleetus’s life. Or the HitMan getting shot.
- It was also at this time that Flanagan finally came up with a retort for the hillbilly who was ringing the cowbell 5 rows in front of us. “For whom the bell tolls Hillbilly, it tolls for thee!” Surprisingly this did not go over well. It led to the Hitman admonishing Flanagan, not about the comment but for saying that Edgar Allen Poe wrote the book rather than Heminway. It then led to a cowboy fan taking umbrage at being called a hillbilly yet knowing that Edgar Allen Poe was from
We all left together, no fights, more celebrating, and that was the end of a great trip!
Oh alright already. Flanagan either started running in circles or was running a pass route, depending on who you listen too. What is incontrovertible is that he had no ability to walk, run, or run in circles. In the greatest case of cosmic justice since the Last Seinfeld episode, Flanagan, who was never touched by a cowboy fan, face planted in the pavement. In even more irony, he has to make 2 presentations this week and read at a wedding. In even more irony, all right fuck it I’m a dick.
After this incident and recovery, the morale of this tale has not been lost on Flanagan. For future trips he is absolutely positively going to buy a novelty toothbrush.
Great trip everyone! Hope to be re invited some year.
Report" DaPrez Used "banned techniques" in Club Sub Football Contests
CANTON, OH (Associated Press)- According to unnamed league sources, DaPrez used "banned techniques" this season in at least one contest. Further elaboration was not provided.
This latest charge of impropreity levied against DaPrez comes just a week after he was suspended from his local men's basketball team for buggery. Charges are pending in that incident which involved an ox, a summer squash, and a pepperoni and cheese calzone (without tomato sauce).
While the actual actions have not been identified, unnamed league sources indicate that he "has acheived significant success while employing the use of banned techniques". The source went on to say that this [expletive] has been cheating. The extent is which is not known at this time. An investigation is pending."
"He was spying on other coaches," adds The Rat, from his hospital bed. "The bastard sent me flowers, and I found a small camera in it. It's no shock really, when you consider that I put up a million points last week and he put up a million and one to beat me. He HAD to have been cheating."
"It was more than flowers," adds That Guy. "The Club Sub logo on the official mugs is actually a device that allows him to spy on us and brainwash us. Fortunately, I was de-programmed by Michael Jackson while in Intercourse, Pennsylvania. Shamon! Hee, hee, hee. OOOOOOOHHHHHH" singing "I want to love you PYT Pretty Young Thing..."
The Commisioner's Office, in statement, did indicate that further comment would noty be forthcoming, although the League Office did comment on a possible steroid issue involving Team Florida.
"The Commissioner has no comment on alleged impropreity on the part of Club Sub members. However, we will comment on non-members, and the juicer will pay. The League Office at this time is proud to announce that Team Florida has been suspended from postseason play, although this sanction does appear to be unnecessary. That said, we can only deal with one scandal per week, and the juice issue is top priority right now. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go and give oral sex to DaPrez, er i mean, 'I have a meeting'- Hitman."
"No [expletive] comment," said DaPrez, reached at his vacation home, curiously called "The Brown House". "I said I have no [expletive] comment for any of you [expletive]. You can [expletive] your [ expletive] with a [expletive] [expletive] on your [expletive] Uncle's birthday and [expletive] a calzone [expletive] with his [expletive] LaDanian Tomlinson [expletive] solar plexus."
Monday, August 27, 2007
Thursday, August 23, 2007
President and First Lady Proudly Welcome Baby Girl; Toddler whups Jenna Bush in Spelling Bee at 11 hours old
AP- After convincingly beating Jenna Bush in the Spelling Bee portion of a special "Prez v. Prez Family Contest Day", The First Daughter immediately called for the removal of US Troops from Iraq and criticized the Bush administration for its handling of the Karl Rove-Valerie Plame-Scooter Libby scandal. The 11-hour-old caused quite a stir with her comments, which ended when doctors took her away to cut the cord. DaPrez reports that mom, dad, and baby are doing well.
The First Parents are thrilled with this turn of events, which came on the heels of a special congratulatory letter from Rhode Island College president John Nazarian, in which Nazarian has issued "special acceptance" to the First Daughter as part of RIC's class of 2026.
Potential Brady-DaPrez link?
The well-wishes are pouring in. Published reports indicate that Patriots QB Tom Brady was so enamored with the concept of his son-to-be sharing a birthday with the First Daughter that he forced former girlfriend Bridget Moynahan to give birth a few days early. Brady sent his best wishes to DaPrez, along with an 8x10 color photo of he and current girlfriend Giselle having sex and a check for $62.15.
The First Parents are thrilled with this turn of events, which came on the heels of a special congratulatory letter from Rhode Island College president John Nazarian, in which Nazarian has issued "special acceptance" to the First Daughter as part of RIC's class of 2026.
Potential Brady-DaPrez link?
The well-wishes are pouring in. Published reports indicate that Patriots QB Tom Brady was so enamored with the concept of his son-to-be sharing a birthday with the First Daughter that he forced former girlfriend Bridget Moynahan to give birth a few days early. Brady sent his best wishes to DaPrez, along with an 8x10 color photo of he and current girlfriend Giselle having sex and a check for $62.15.
Other ClubSub Presidential news
While resting comfortbaly after his ordeal (mother and daughter are doing well and were extremely supportive of DaPrez while he did all of the hard work and cheered them on), DaPrez issued several decrees, as part of his usual weekly "Time to make new rules!" segment. They are:
- No more "Stripper Pole" jokes at ClubSub-sanctioned events
- The price of milk should be lowered to $2.49/gallon
- Tits to Win!
- A special condemnation of Michael Vick's actions. However, Ron Mexico's #7 jersey has been retired. Conveniently, this jersey number is the same as The Rat, who had his leg ripped from his body last week, but was still far and away the funniest SOB at the ClubSub FF draft (more to come on this). We're retiring #7 for everybody.
- Sunday is "Beer, Football, & Softball Day".
Editor's Note: All kidding aside- sincere congrats go out to DaPrez and First Lady on the birth of The First Daughter. Big Props to all of you from your ClubSub family (and presumably from your real families, but they did not immediately respond to voice mails. But I would guess that they would congratulate you as well).
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Profile of the Month....Cloooooot!!!!!
Clout has led the prototypical North Prov life:no ostensible job other than coaching for the town, yet he leads what appears to be a very comfortable existence and drives a car with
- Clout as the only red headed family in the history of
- Cout what did you learn from all those years selling baseball cards at the K of C Veterans Halls? First of all those things are a babefest, Bunch of soccer moms with their kids. Boo Ya! I also learned the art of slight of hand substitution. Those kids never new what hit them until they got home. Ever wonder why I never appeared at the same hall twice?
- Wow, Clout we’re learning more than we could ever imagine, and that’s really saying something. Next Question was emailed in from one How.di.doo.dee@richie.cunningham.com It says: Clout respond to the allegations that you are not a natural redhead, and that indeed cuffs and collar don’t match. “My friends are always busting me, good one guys”
- Clout we could do this for hours but I’m sure you have to get to work. Speaking of which, could you remind us what is it again you’ve done for the last quarter century? Basically I live the good life man, I play baseball every weekend on an over 35.7 team, I coach youth teams, I referee, I can be found in my free time training zoo animals to cry on command (good for fundraisers). I also stand to inherit the cloutier fortune of over $10M dollars.
- What the F? where did the cloutier fortune come from? Sorry gotta go, c ya and I wouldn’t want to be ya. Working class Sucker!
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
RIP-The Big Orange
June 2007
The end of a Club Sub Era is upon us. The Club Sub favorite watering hole has closed filing chapter 7 which apparently is worst than the chapter 11 it filed years ago. Club Sub for years raped and pillaged this establishment so bad it would make the Huns blush. Many memebers have fond memories of the Big Orange. I myself can recall several fond memories/incidents such as:
1) The Hitman stealthly stealing Leslie Neilson's picture off the wall, that pic is now the award for the "Club Sub Poker Tourney" and is currently held by and proudly displayed at Fic's house.
2) Who could forget the beginning of Trivia night: 3 different cards played...1st, 2nd, & 3rd prize won week after week. Yes, we were in Cahoots with "Newman", yes we did get enough winnings for a drunken trip to Montreal, and yes several rule changes were soon to come.
3) The Alleged arson in the bathroom...Alleged.
4) The weekly grafitti left by Frank White in the bathroom...The Scheemer did what to Tina?
5) Several school holiday meetings
6) Several classic sporting events were watched there
7) Bikini Contests
8) Turkey Bowling
9) Spank Bank Memories for years
10) Frank White developed and perfected the "go to the Tape" move
11) Hitman's Dad taught us how a real man eats a wing
12) Scheemer developed and perfected the "Stalker's Ogle"
13) Ward's talked away more girl's than wings eaten by members.
14) Scheemer yelling, "PAULA!!!!!!!!!"
15) a girl named JADE
16) the cast of characters...Torre, Leslie, crooked face, etc.
Memebers please feel free to post your memories and pour out a little for the Big Orange
The end of a Club Sub Era is upon us. The Club Sub favorite watering hole has closed filing chapter 7 which apparently is worst than the chapter 11 it filed years ago. Club Sub for years raped and pillaged this establishment so bad it would make the Huns blush. Many memebers have fond memories of the Big Orange. I myself can recall several fond memories/incidents such as:
1) The Hitman stealthly stealing Leslie Neilson's picture off the wall, that pic is now the award for the "Club Sub Poker Tourney" and is currently held by and proudly displayed at Fic's house.
2) Who could forget the beginning of Trivia night: 3 different cards played...1st, 2nd, & 3rd prize won week after week. Yes, we were in Cahoots with "Newman", yes we did get enough winnings for a drunken trip to Montreal, and yes several rule changes were soon to come.
3) The Alleged arson in the bathroom...Alleged.
4) The weekly grafitti left by Frank White in the bathroom...The Scheemer did what to Tina?
5) Several school holiday meetings
6) Several classic sporting events were watched there
7) Bikini Contests
8) Turkey Bowling
9) Spank Bank Memories for years
10) Frank White developed and perfected the "go to the Tape" move
11) Hitman's Dad taught us how a real man eats a wing
12) Scheemer developed and perfected the "Stalker's Ogle"
13) Ward's talked away more girl's than wings eaten by members.
14) Scheemer yelling, "PAULA!!!!!!!!!"
15) a girl named JADE
16) the cast of characters...Torre, Leslie, crooked face, etc.
Memebers please feel free to post your memories and pour out a little for the Big Orange
Monday, June 04, 2007
Club Sub Member Profile for June, MUD
Filling in for Mr. Mud, who knows he cannot gloss himself, this article submitted by the incredibly talented and fetching human highlight with a keyboard, you guessed it TILT.
In the way of the tragic highway accident, or Lindsay Lohan’s career, Mud has lived a compelling if not quite fascinating existence to this point. Born in the heart of North Providence (not Fatima hospital, he was birthed by a midwife in the basement of the house of Moi) Mud was a bouncing baby boy who showed early promise. By the age of 5 months, he could walk, read, and nail older brother Jim with a slap shot in front of the house from 60 feet.
Mud continued his prodigy by winning the Scripps national spelling bee while in the 2nd grade, for which he received a copy of Webster’s unabridged dictionary, and an afternoon on the set of television’s One Day at a Time, where he was French kissed by Valerie Bertinelli, AND that, 70’s porn start looking, dude who played Schneider. Mud’s burning star status was about to burn out though, because while on set, he stole the pack of cigarettes rolled in Schneider’s t-shirt sleeve, and began a habit that would haunt him for years not to mention ruining the career of what could have been one of our generations finest actors (we miss you Pat Harrington Jr.).
Mud’s accomplishments since this illustrious period, have as they say, paled in comparison, although there have been a few. In 1992, he made the FBI’s most wanted list (#37) for producing over 23,000 phony identifications at Rhode Island College. In 1994, he placed 2nd in a competitive eating contest (beef tongue), and on January 1, 2000, he was voted to Charmin’s all-decade shitting team, for producing the largest, loosest, and most original color turd on day 11 of the contest. Oddly enough, heading into the contest, he had been fasting for weeks.
I ran across this enigma of a man at the opening of Hairspray, at the Providence Performing Arts Center, where he was performing fluffer duties, and what follows is our conversation.
CS: Mister Mud, How goes it?
Mud: mmfblumfphblmphsptewwey! Fine.
CS: Would you tell us, sir, how has being a member of Club Sub influenced your life?
Mud: Well, in the early years, I found the camaraderie, and fellowship to be truly engaging, that and the deals on BMT’s. But as I have grown older, and more experienced, I realized I had no socially desirable qualities to offer the real world, but since I can randomly quote many movies, and lose $50.00 once in a while at Conca’s, I fit right in with this collection of lifeless compadres.
CS: Would you care to comment on the state of America in 2007?
Mud: Gas prices are ridiculous, homes are being foreclosed upon, the greenhouse effect is ripping holes in the ozone layer, and I really don’t care, but when we start to ban trans-fats, that’s going a bit too far, I mean really Why!! Why!!!
CS: How about the war in Iraq?
Mud: Forget about that, I’m too depressed, ever since my mistress, Anna Nicole Smith, passed away, I find myself unable to feel empathy towards the troops, little kids in Ethiopia, or the Ward twins.
CS: Mud, it’s okay, I’m here for you.
Mud: Fuck Off!
CS: You’ve successfully completed a stop smoking campaign, how did you do it?
Mud: At first it was difficult, I craved the nicotine, but I was able to distract myself with constant masturbation. I mean I spanked the little sucker everywhere, in the car, at my desk, while riding the elevator at the hospital when I was going to visit my grandfather, when…
CS: enough, we get the picture.
CS: That is a lovely sweater, who would you say has influenced you style-wise?
Mud: Well Helmut Lang, obviously, I’ve always thought Paul Newman looked classy, and of course Clarence Broadus Jr., better known as SNOOP D-O-Double G, especially the outfits he wore in Starsky & Hutch.
CS: Mud, you are on death row, what are you ordering for your last meal?
Mud: I’ve often asked myself this same question, and I would have to say cucumber sandwiches, mandarin orange slices, and a delicate lemon sorbet.
CS: What’s your philosophy of life?
Mud: I’ve always tried to live my life by one simple rule: A man has 2 things in this world, his balls and his word, and he shouldn’t break them for nobody. Isn’t that three things?
CS: Speaking of balls?
Mud: (ripping off the mic) fuckoff, you people are all the same, every fuckin’ time, its balls, balls, balls, just once I would like to do a fuckin’ interview without you probing my balls.
CS: thank you for your time.
In the way of the tragic highway accident, or Lindsay Lohan’s career, Mud has lived a compelling if not quite fascinating existence to this point. Born in the heart of North Providence (not Fatima hospital, he was birthed by a midwife in the basement of the house of Moi) Mud was a bouncing baby boy who showed early promise. By the age of 5 months, he could walk, read, and nail older brother Jim with a slap shot in front of the house from 60 feet.
Mud continued his prodigy by winning the Scripps national spelling bee while in the 2nd grade, for which he received a copy of Webster’s unabridged dictionary, and an afternoon on the set of television’s One Day at a Time, where he was French kissed by Valerie Bertinelli, AND that, 70’s porn start looking, dude who played Schneider. Mud’s burning star status was about to burn out though, because while on set, he stole the pack of cigarettes rolled in Schneider’s t-shirt sleeve, and began a habit that would haunt him for years not to mention ruining the career of what could have been one of our generations finest actors (we miss you Pat Harrington Jr.).
Mud’s accomplishments since this illustrious period, have as they say, paled in comparison, although there have been a few. In 1992, he made the FBI’s most wanted list (#37) for producing over 23,000 phony identifications at Rhode Island College. In 1994, he placed 2nd in a competitive eating contest (beef tongue), and on January 1, 2000, he was voted to Charmin’s all-decade shitting team, for producing the largest, loosest, and most original color turd on day 11 of the contest. Oddly enough, heading into the contest, he had been fasting for weeks.
I ran across this enigma of a man at the opening of Hairspray, at the Providence Performing Arts Center, where he was performing fluffer duties, and what follows is our conversation.
CS: Mister Mud, How goes it?
Mud: mmfblumfphblmphsptewwey! Fine.
CS: Would you tell us, sir, how has being a member of Club Sub influenced your life?
Mud: Well, in the early years, I found the camaraderie, and fellowship to be truly engaging, that and the deals on BMT’s. But as I have grown older, and more experienced, I realized I had no socially desirable qualities to offer the real world, but since I can randomly quote many movies, and lose $50.00 once in a while at Conca’s, I fit right in with this collection of lifeless compadres.
CS: Would you care to comment on the state of America in 2007?
Mud: Gas prices are ridiculous, homes are being foreclosed upon, the greenhouse effect is ripping holes in the ozone layer, and I really don’t care, but when we start to ban trans-fats, that’s going a bit too far, I mean really Why!! Why!!!
CS: How about the war in Iraq?
Mud: Forget about that, I’m too depressed, ever since my mistress, Anna Nicole Smith, passed away, I find myself unable to feel empathy towards the troops, little kids in Ethiopia, or the Ward twins.
CS: Mud, it’s okay, I’m here for you.
Mud: Fuck Off!
CS: You’ve successfully completed a stop smoking campaign, how did you do it?
Mud: At first it was difficult, I craved the nicotine, but I was able to distract myself with constant masturbation. I mean I spanked the little sucker everywhere, in the car, at my desk, while riding the elevator at the hospital when I was going to visit my grandfather, when…
CS: enough, we get the picture.
CS: That is a lovely sweater, who would you say has influenced you style-wise?
Mud: Well Helmut Lang, obviously, I’ve always thought Paul Newman looked classy, and of course Clarence Broadus Jr., better known as SNOOP D-O-Double G, especially the outfits he wore in Starsky & Hutch.
CS: Mud, you are on death row, what are you ordering for your last meal?
Mud: I’ve often asked myself this same question, and I would have to say cucumber sandwiches, mandarin orange slices, and a delicate lemon sorbet.
CS: What’s your philosophy of life?
Mud: I’ve always tried to live my life by one simple rule: A man has 2 things in this world, his balls and his word, and he shouldn’t break them for nobody. Isn’t that three things?
CS: Speaking of balls?
Mud: (ripping off the mic) fuckoff, you people are all the same, every fuckin’ time, its balls, balls, balls, just once I would like to do a fuckin’ interview without you probing my balls.
CS: thank you for your time.
Friday, May 18, 2007
Mud's May Member Profile- Tilt
Good day, fellow Club Subbers...And let me just start by saying that I have offically wrestled control of this blog away from DaPrez... Ahem, what I mean to say that I have posting access now. Therefore, there will be no more typoes and/or formatting errors, incorrect grammar, or any of that type of shit that DaPrez is famous for. However, if you come across a typo, kindly blow it out your ass, 'cuz I really don't give a fuck.
Onward and upward!
This month, we take a look at one of our more enduring members, Mr. Tilt himself, our Secretary of Energy. His induction, one of the more creative & imaginative efforts put forth by the Club Sub Executive Board, involved himself and one other member (Fic) disrupting a large class at a insitute of higher learning that will remain nameless, while the Executive Board sat in the back of the auditorium and drank beer. It was truly a turning point in the Club Sub world, as inductions completed their inevitable shift from petty larceny to general social misbehavior in an attempt to foment a movement- a movement towards the discreditation of institutes of formal learning (primarily college)....Fucking ironic, when half of the members of the organization are teachers. The induction was also the apex of creativity expressed by the Board, as inductions since have become mundane and boring, as evidenced by the most recent induction (Big Sloppy) -He took a leak in a toilet in a coach bus. Wow....
But I digress.
Tilt, as he is known, comes from a logging family in northeastern Washington State. At the age of 11, he decided that logging was not for him, after he fell 25 feet from a pine tree and suffered severe lacerations to the head, neck, arms, legs, and scrotum. He ran away from home, eventually ending up working as a janitor in a brothel in Thailand. He worked long hours in decidely disgusting conditions, but was so enamored by the "benefits" of this job, he stayed until he was 16, when he was adopted by the first entirely lesbian kibbutz ever established in the United States. It was here that he evolved into the man he is today- a devoted father and family man, and quick-witted chap with a love for the Yankees.
How does living in a lesbian commune make someone a devoted family man? God only knows. But as this interview will show, there are lot of things about our man that don't make sense.
Thus begins the interview.
CSB (Club Sub Blog): What has been the greatest influence in your life?
TT (Tilt): First I'd like to thank God for his gifts that have been bestowed on me. By far, my biggest influence has been the music of the B-52s. While in the kibbutz, that music was on all day every day, and I really became enamored with their pop and counterculture sensibilities. Fred Schneider's energy is truly infectious.
CSB: Umm...okay...Why did you develop such a love for the Yankees?
TT: I secretly wish I was Italian.
CSB: Umm...okay...Are you proud of the fact that you are basically turning your son into a well-educated butler in the mold of Geoffrey from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air?
TT: I'm sure it seems odd (laughs)..But I have my reasons.
CSB: What are they?
TT: Well, i want him to have a trade skill as a backup. I became a teacher, but in the event that I had to, I could have esaily found work as a janitor. I'ts about being prepared for contingency.
CSB: You have a well-documented love for cooking. What's your favorite meal to make?
TT: I don't mean to brag, but I have been praised for my ability to make all kinds of different toast. Most of the time I do basic white bread, but sometimes I'll mix it up- marble rye, wheat, you name it. People come from all over just to sample my toast. I even offer different types of spreads, including a homemade Marmalade that I make.
CSB: It IS damn fine toast. The marmalade is especially delicious..Has a nice nutty flavor to it.
TT: Thank you. I want to be known as the guy who can solve all of your toast problems. I'm in the process of developing a device which will keep all of the small toast particles from getting lodged in the stick of butter.
CSB: A true renaissance man...
TT: Well, living in an alternative-lifestyle commune will broaden your horizons a bit.
CSB: When you fell from the tree at age 11, you were badly injured, yet you don't seem to bear any scars.
TT: I underwent extensive plastic surgery. The technology is astounding. The only scar that is really still an issue is the one on the back of my balls. Really burns when I make the Orange Marmalade. Citric acid, I guess.
CSB: Why would your nuts burn when you make Orange....Oh, my God...Ugh ![vomits]
TT: Hee hee hee.
CSB: Whoa, that wasn't cool. Ahem...What would you like your legacy to be?
TT: [Singing, to the tune of Sammy Davis Jr.'s "The Candyman"
Who can take your bread slice,
Heat it 'til it's brown,
The toast man can, cause he wipes it on his balls,
The toastman can!
CSB: Sweet Jesus!
TT: Lick my balls! Oh, wait- you already did. hee hee hee...
CSB: Oh my Holy God...
Onward and upward!
This month, we take a look at one of our more enduring members, Mr. Tilt himself, our Secretary of Energy. His induction, one of the more creative & imaginative efforts put forth by the Club Sub Executive Board, involved himself and one other member (Fic) disrupting a large class at a insitute of higher learning that will remain nameless, while the Executive Board sat in the back of the auditorium and drank beer. It was truly a turning point in the Club Sub world, as inductions completed their inevitable shift from petty larceny to general social misbehavior in an attempt to foment a movement- a movement towards the discreditation of institutes of formal learning (primarily college)....Fucking ironic, when half of the members of the organization are teachers. The induction was also the apex of creativity expressed by the Board, as inductions since have become mundane and boring, as evidenced by the most recent induction (Big Sloppy) -He took a leak in a toilet in a coach bus. Wow....
But I digress.
Tilt, as he is known, comes from a logging family in northeastern Washington State. At the age of 11, he decided that logging was not for him, after he fell 25 feet from a pine tree and suffered severe lacerations to the head, neck, arms, legs, and scrotum. He ran away from home, eventually ending up working as a janitor in a brothel in Thailand. He worked long hours in decidely disgusting conditions, but was so enamored by the "benefits" of this job, he stayed until he was 16, when he was adopted by the first entirely lesbian kibbutz ever established in the United States. It was here that he evolved into the man he is today- a devoted father and family man, and quick-witted chap with a love for the Yankees.
How does living in a lesbian commune make someone a devoted family man? God only knows. But as this interview will show, there are lot of things about our man that don't make sense.
Thus begins the interview.
CSB (Club Sub Blog): What has been the greatest influence in your life?
TT (Tilt): First I'd like to thank God for his gifts that have been bestowed on me. By far, my biggest influence has been the music of the B-52s. While in the kibbutz, that music was on all day every day, and I really became enamored with their pop and counterculture sensibilities. Fred Schneider's energy is truly infectious.
CSB: Umm...okay...Why did you develop such a love for the Yankees?
TT: I secretly wish I was Italian.
CSB: Umm...okay...Are you proud of the fact that you are basically turning your son into a well-educated butler in the mold of Geoffrey from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air?
TT: I'm sure it seems odd (laughs)..But I have my reasons.
CSB: What are they?
TT: Well, i want him to have a trade skill as a backup. I became a teacher, but in the event that I had to, I could have esaily found work as a janitor. I'ts about being prepared for contingency.
CSB: You have a well-documented love for cooking. What's your favorite meal to make?
TT: I don't mean to brag, but I have been praised for my ability to make all kinds of different toast. Most of the time I do basic white bread, but sometimes I'll mix it up- marble rye, wheat, you name it. People come from all over just to sample my toast. I even offer different types of spreads, including a homemade Marmalade that I make.
CSB: It IS damn fine toast. The marmalade is especially delicious..Has a nice nutty flavor to it.
TT: Thank you. I want to be known as the guy who can solve all of your toast problems. I'm in the process of developing a device which will keep all of the small toast particles from getting lodged in the stick of butter.
CSB: A true renaissance man...
TT: Well, living in an alternative-lifestyle commune will broaden your horizons a bit.
CSB: When you fell from the tree at age 11, you were badly injured, yet you don't seem to bear any scars.
TT: I underwent extensive plastic surgery. The technology is astounding. The only scar that is really still an issue is the one on the back of my balls. Really burns when I make the Orange Marmalade. Citric acid, I guess.
CSB: Why would your nuts burn when you make Orange....Oh, my God...Ugh ![vomits]
TT: Hee hee hee.
CSB: Whoa, that wasn't cool. Ahem...What would you like your legacy to be?
TT: [Singing, to the tune of Sammy Davis Jr.'s "The Candyman"
Who can take your bread slice,
Heat it 'til it's brown,
The toast man can, cause he wipes it on his balls,
The toastman can!
CSB: Sweet Jesus!
TT: Lick my balls! Oh, wait- you already did. hee hee hee...
CSB: Oh my Holy God...
Monday, March 12, 2007
Club Sub Summer Trip is Cancelled due to New Law
New Mexico outlawed cockfighting on Monday in a victory for animal welfare groups, leaving Louisiana as the last state in the country where the controversial practice is legal.
"I am proud that New Mexico will now move beyond cockfighting and join the 48 states that have already banned this outdated practice," said Gov. Bill Richardson after signing the bill.
Cockfighting involves roosters with razors tied to their claws battling often to the death with spectators placing bets on the outcome of each contest.
Supporters argued cockfighting was an Hispanic tradition and that any ban would push it underground. Opponents said it was a clear-cut case of animal cruelty and that it encouraged illegal gambling.
The ban had the support of the influential New Mexico Conference of Catholic Bishops, which represents 600,000 New Mexicans.
"At this time we have to speak out because of our children," said Allen Sanchez, spokesman for the Conference of Catholic Bishops. "The church clearly defines that cruelty to animals is wrong."
Opponents of the ban, which goes into effect on July 1, called it a blow to Hispanic culture.
"We have a right to have game birds. It's part of our culture," said farmer David Lopez. "The law is just going to push cockfighting underground like it did for dog fighting."
The bill prohibits cockfighting in the 20 New Mexico counties where it wasn't already illegal.
State Sen. Phil Griego, a Democrat who opposed the ban, called it a "slippery slope."
"What's next? A ban on rodeos? Then hunting and fishing? Jesus never said cockfighting was a sin," he said during a hearing on the legislation.
"I am proud that New Mexico will now move beyond cockfighting and join the 48 states that have already banned this outdated practice," said Gov. Bill Richardson after signing the bill.
Cockfighting involves roosters with razors tied to their claws battling often to the death with spectators placing bets on the outcome of each contest.
Supporters argued cockfighting was an Hispanic tradition and that any ban would push it underground. Opponents said it was a clear-cut case of animal cruelty and that it encouraged illegal gambling.
The ban had the support of the influential New Mexico Conference of Catholic Bishops, which represents 600,000 New Mexicans.
"At this time we have to speak out because of our children," said Allen Sanchez, spokesman for the Conference of Catholic Bishops. "The church clearly defines that cruelty to animals is wrong."
Opponents of the ban, which goes into effect on July 1, called it a blow to Hispanic culture.
"We have a right to have game birds. It's part of our culture," said farmer David Lopez. "The law is just going to push cockfighting underground like it did for dog fighting."
The bill prohibits cockfighting in the 20 New Mexico counties where it wasn't already illegal.
State Sen. Phil Griego, a Democrat who opposed the ban, called it a "slippery slope."
"What's next? A ban on rodeos? Then hunting and fishing? Jesus never said cockfighting was a sin," he said during a hearing on the legislation.
Mud's March Member Spotlight
This month, we're taking a closer look at the life and times of a special member of Club Sub.
On December 25th, 1971, the proud parents (Jim and Joan) looked at their new bundle of joy, this "Happy Accident", this Christmas Miracle that could only have happened when the stars aligned properly and Oysters had been on sale at Almacs in March of that same year.
What joy, what exhiliration, what.....DISAPPOINTMENT. Jim had to sell his Glenn-Miller custom Harley. Joan had to deal with raising and feeding a new baby while dealing with the teenage malaise of another child that would end up being a freelance nuclear physicist.....And these United States, which were mired in an unpopular war overseas and an even more unpopular scandal taking seed in the White House-would never be the same.
As time wore on, Jim and Joan began to realize that their new son, the fruit of their aging loins, was very special. He was far more advanced intellectually than the other boys he hung around with (Fic, The Rat, That Guy, Daddy, Mud), which, although not earth-shattering, did not deter from the pride he instilled in Jim and Joan.
While not athletically gifted (his movements were awkward), no one could do more with what he had to work with, and he developed into an above-average athlete, excelling in baseball, basketball, and Wiffle ball (He holds the record for most home runs in one game at the Ward Memorial Stadium). However, despite his intellect and athelticism, he was plagued by an awkwardness that was difficult to overcome. This scourge took root in our boy and, despite the efforts of his friends, he simply could not shake it. His inevitable downward spiral had begun- a vast whirlpool, with one destination- being the Student Manager on a high school baseball team. His friends grew increasingly concerned. And then there were the ladies... Many, many ladies, coming and going like pages in a Day Planner, each resulting in a box checked off, and, like the events in said calendar, fading over the years until all he could remember were scant details- a familiar scent, or a birthmark, or lime-green jelly shoes and extra-long oversized sweatshirts, or a gigantic loose white belt and big Aqua Net hair. Something had to give. Friends initially thought that there would be a loud snap, and he would start collecting swords and wearing trenchcoats and visiting gun collectors and creating web sites geared towards people of mixed race.
But something strange happened. It came to pass thoughout his tumultuous High School years that he would come under the influence of the man we now call DaPrez, and his life's destination veered sharply, charting a new course toward confidence, self-esteem, heavy drinking, urinary problems, premature balding. A new spring in his step, a newly-discovered sharp tongue, a fearlessness that was taking hold in him like the fiery breath of Lucifer himself (later discovered to be a halitosis problem which was fixed by more frequest brushing and flossing). In the face of a certain future of becoming a hopeless geek, he went the opposite way- a geek, yes. But a geek with Hope, a geek with Dreams, a geek with a Destiny. There was no holding him back now. Driven by his inexhaustable power lust, he gave up basketball to pursue his dream- to become a trusted advisor in a semi-fictional organization. This new journey that our man embarked on has culmianted, now, at age 35, in his becoming the most feared war-time member of a Cabinet that is the most powerful in the world. His name? The Schemer. Our Secretary of State. A proud member of Club Sub's "Big Four".
And now you know....the REST of the story.
On December 25th, 1971, the proud parents (Jim and Joan) looked at their new bundle of joy, this "Happy Accident", this Christmas Miracle that could only have happened when the stars aligned properly and Oysters had been on sale at Almacs in March of that same year.
What joy, what exhiliration, what.....DISAPPOINTMENT. Jim had to sell his Glenn-Miller custom Harley. Joan had to deal with raising and feeding a new baby while dealing with the teenage malaise of another child that would end up being a freelance nuclear physicist.....And these United States, which were mired in an unpopular war overseas and an even more unpopular scandal taking seed in the White House-would never be the same.
As time wore on, Jim and Joan began to realize that their new son, the fruit of their aging loins, was very special. He was far more advanced intellectually than the other boys he hung around with (Fic, The Rat, That Guy, Daddy, Mud), which, although not earth-shattering, did not deter from the pride he instilled in Jim and Joan.
While not athletically gifted (his movements were awkward), no one could do more with what he had to work with, and he developed into an above-average athlete, excelling in baseball, basketball, and Wiffle ball (He holds the record for most home runs in one game at the Ward Memorial Stadium). However, despite his intellect and athelticism, he was plagued by an awkwardness that was difficult to overcome. This scourge took root in our boy and, despite the efforts of his friends, he simply could not shake it. His inevitable downward spiral had begun- a vast whirlpool, with one destination- being the Student Manager on a high school baseball team. His friends grew increasingly concerned. And then there were the ladies... Many, many ladies, coming and going like pages in a Day Planner, each resulting in a box checked off, and, like the events in said calendar, fading over the years until all he could remember were scant details- a familiar scent, or a birthmark, or lime-green jelly shoes and extra-long oversized sweatshirts, or a gigantic loose white belt and big Aqua Net hair. Something had to give. Friends initially thought that there would be a loud snap, and he would start collecting swords and wearing trenchcoats and visiting gun collectors and creating web sites geared towards people of mixed race.
But something strange happened. It came to pass thoughout his tumultuous High School years that he would come under the influence of the man we now call DaPrez, and his life's destination veered sharply, charting a new course toward confidence, self-esteem, heavy drinking, urinary problems, premature balding. A new spring in his step, a newly-discovered sharp tongue, a fearlessness that was taking hold in him like the fiery breath of Lucifer himself (later discovered to be a halitosis problem which was fixed by more frequest brushing and flossing). In the face of a certain future of becoming a hopeless geek, he went the opposite way- a geek, yes. But a geek with Hope, a geek with Dreams, a geek with a Destiny. There was no holding him back now. Driven by his inexhaustable power lust, he gave up basketball to pursue his dream- to become a trusted advisor in a semi-fictional organization. This new journey that our man embarked on has culmianted, now, at age 35, in his becoming the most feared war-time member of a Cabinet that is the most powerful in the world. His name? The Schemer. Our Secretary of State. A proud member of Club Sub's "Big Four".
And now you know....the REST of the story.
Friday, February 16, 2007
Mud's February Member Spotlight
This month's member spotlight- Hitman!
Fresh off his Club Sub lifetime Acheivement Award, Hitman is blazing a PR trail throughout the greater RI area. His inventive use of Club Sub logos and slogans (which are obvious copyright infringements, if anyone cares) are doing much to publicize the organization. His creative schemes (the most recent of which invlove DJing with Fic at low-rent white trash weddings at the f'n VFW post under the Club Sub banner) continue to spread the Club Sub word, albeit to undesirables. The last thing we need is a bunch of guys with mullets & sweatpants who drive Camaros, like Yacht Club beverages and Budweiser, follow NASCAR, wear cut-off sweatshirts, and sport fanny-pouches. However, the t-shirts were a nice touch.
3 questions with Hitman:
Q: How do you feel about the Lifetime Acheivement Award?
A: It's an honor for me. YOU can go to Hell.
Q: How's the DJ business?
A: Blow it out your ass.
Q. Would you like to make a long-distance dedication?
A: What the Hell are you talking about? What's wrong with you?
Fresh off his Club Sub lifetime Acheivement Award, Hitman is blazing a PR trail throughout the greater RI area. His inventive use of Club Sub logos and slogans (which are obvious copyright infringements, if anyone cares) are doing much to publicize the organization. His creative schemes (the most recent of which invlove DJing with Fic at low-rent white trash weddings at the f'n VFW post under the Club Sub banner) continue to spread the Club Sub word, albeit to undesirables. The last thing we need is a bunch of guys with mullets & sweatpants who drive Camaros, like Yacht Club beverages and Budweiser, follow NASCAR, wear cut-off sweatshirts, and sport fanny-pouches. However, the t-shirts were a nice touch.
3 questions with Hitman:
Q: How do you feel about the Lifetime Acheivement Award?
A: It's an honor for me. YOU can go to Hell.
Q: How's the DJ business?
A: Blow it out your ass.
Q. Would you like to make a long-distance dedication?
A: What the Hell are you talking about? What's wrong with you?
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
State of The Sub: Presidential Address
Welcome everyone, to this momentous occasion, our 19th year reunion. Tonight we’re going to take a look at our past, our present and our future.
First, a look back, a lot has changed since 1989; both in the world and at Club Sub, here are a few examples:
In the real world, The Berlin Wall actually fell
In Club Sub, The Hitman actually got a job where he can’t wear shorts to work every day.
The US faced an increased risk of terrorism during this period.
Club Sub was ahead of this trend as Kevin Badway has consistently been denied membership
In the real world, the US had a disputed Presidential election,
Club Sub avoided any such controversy; very simply- we have no elections
The US searched in vain for Weapons of Mass Destruction
Club Sub wives searched in vain for their husbands receding hairlines
The Internet took over the world economy.
In 2005 The Schemer got a cell phone
The US Govt. was rocked by the OJ Simpson case
Club Sub for years has been rocked by cases of Miller Lite.
The US faced a major education crisis fueled in part by poor teaching.
Club Sub graduated a large number of future teachers
Hurricane Katrina and the 89 earthquake devastated the cities of New Orleans and San Francisco
Hurricane Cyrus and Hurricane George Bailey devastated DaPrez’ and Fic’s households.
Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire nearly faced a lifetime ban for steroid use.
Glen Underwood………faced a lifetime ban from Club Sub for purchasing… a Girl Car.
The US army introduced the don’t ask don’t tell policy
The Ward’s introduced the don’t ask or I’ll keep telling you policy
Now to Club Sub present, I’d like to bestow some recognition and awards on some deserving and not so deserving members.
First, I’d like to say a few words about our newest member. He’s known for skanking around, for always arriving with McDonalds, for bluffing his chips in poker, and for following on the career path of The Hitman. Those by the way are his good traits. Please give a Club Sub Welcome for Big Sloppy.
Next, I’d like to remember the following members who could not be here tonight…because we didn’t invite them… please pour a little out for the following homey’s: Ron Cap, Paul S., Rich Raz, Lama that did yo mama, Antonio L., PJ W.
I also have some disturbing news, for the first time in this administration I have used my Presidential powers to revoke a membership. Apparently the former Vice President has falling under the influence of a cult. The artist formerly know as Savior is now known as Y-Pac, Some of you knew him as the Flying Hawaiian however I have discovered that he is not and never was Hawaiian, and you know how we feel about Hawaiians. So as of this moment, sadly I regret to say Frank A. is no longer affiliated with this organization.
I’d also like to congratulate the newest members into the Club Sub family. Congratulations to the Fic’s, Crooks, Claps, Wards, and Reil’s on their beautiful children
Now I’d like to induct an honorary member to Club Sub. He’s best known for sitting on woopie cushions, destroying the national anthem, and being the one good thing that ever came out of Canada, Leslie Nielson.
And last, a special moment tonight, our lifetime achievement award. There were very few deserving candidates for this award, given that we are all underachievers. But this person has brought a lot to the table. (…and has taken a lot off of it)
First, without this man’s connections very few of us would have ever gotten married in an actual church.
Second, this man is the creator of the very mugs you’re drink from tonight.
Third he along with Fic, are the founders of our newest business venture Club sub sound which has brought us entertainment for years. Btw, where are the royalties Fic?
And fourth, who can forget the parties, events and general social misbehavior that he has brought to the table.
Ladies and gentleman our lifetime achievement award goes to: Dave V., I mean The Hitman.
I’d lastly like to thank all of you for gathering tonight to celebrate Club Sub’s very existence. I’d also like to Frank White and Schemer, my writing staff, for this insanely brilliant speech.
Now as we look forward to the future of Club Sub, what do I see? Our future will rest on 5 basic principles:
We hope to continue to waste time on fantasy sports leagues and poker
We hope to continue to embellish our past stories
We hope to continue to fight the war on terror and the war on steroids, by continuing to ban Kevin Badway and Glen Underwood
Fourth, you will all continue to pledge your allegiance to me, your President, no matter how fool hearty my plans may be.
And finally, we renew our commitment to meet on a recurring basis of every 19 years, see you in 2026!
Thank you.
First, a look back, a lot has changed since 1989; both in the world and at Club Sub, here are a few examples:
In the real world, The Berlin Wall actually fell
In Club Sub, The Hitman actually got a job where he can’t wear shorts to work every day.
The US faced an increased risk of terrorism during this period.
Club Sub was ahead of this trend as Kevin Badway has consistently been denied membership
In the real world, the US had a disputed Presidential election,
Club Sub avoided any such controversy; very simply- we have no elections
The US searched in vain for Weapons of Mass Destruction
Club Sub wives searched in vain for their husbands receding hairlines
The Internet took over the world economy.
In 2005 The Schemer got a cell phone
The US Govt. was rocked by the OJ Simpson case
Club Sub for years has been rocked by cases of Miller Lite.
The US faced a major education crisis fueled in part by poor teaching.
Club Sub graduated a large number of future teachers
Hurricane Katrina and the 89 earthquake devastated the cities of New Orleans and San Francisco
Hurricane Cyrus and Hurricane George Bailey devastated DaPrez’ and Fic’s households.
Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire nearly faced a lifetime ban for steroid use.
Glen Underwood………faced a lifetime ban from Club Sub for purchasing… a Girl Car.
The US army introduced the don’t ask don’t tell policy
The Ward’s introduced the don’t ask or I’ll keep telling you policy
Now to Club Sub present, I’d like to bestow some recognition and awards on some deserving and not so deserving members.
First, I’d like to say a few words about our newest member. He’s known for skanking around, for always arriving with McDonalds, for bluffing his chips in poker, and for following on the career path of The Hitman. Those by the way are his good traits. Please give a Club Sub Welcome for Big Sloppy.
Next, I’d like to remember the following members who could not be here tonight…because we didn’t invite them… please pour a little out for the following homey’s: Ron Cap, Paul S., Rich Raz, Lama that did yo mama, Antonio L., PJ W.
I also have some disturbing news, for the first time in this administration I have used my Presidential powers to revoke a membership. Apparently the former Vice President has falling under the influence of a cult. The artist formerly know as Savior is now known as Y-Pac, Some of you knew him as the Flying Hawaiian however I have discovered that he is not and never was Hawaiian, and you know how we feel about Hawaiians. So as of this moment, sadly I regret to say Frank A. is no longer affiliated with this organization.
I’d also like to congratulate the newest members into the Club Sub family. Congratulations to the Fic’s, Crooks, Claps, Wards, and Reil’s on their beautiful children
Now I’d like to induct an honorary member to Club Sub. He’s best known for sitting on woopie cushions, destroying the national anthem, and being the one good thing that ever came out of Canada, Leslie Nielson.
And last, a special moment tonight, our lifetime achievement award. There were very few deserving candidates for this award, given that we are all underachievers. But this person has brought a lot to the table. (…and has taken a lot off of it)
First, without this man’s connections very few of us would have ever gotten married in an actual church.
Second, this man is the creator of the very mugs you’re drink from tonight.
Third he along with Fic, are the founders of our newest business venture Club sub sound which has brought us entertainment for years. Btw, where are the royalties Fic?
And fourth, who can forget the parties, events and general social misbehavior that he has brought to the table.
Ladies and gentleman our lifetime achievement award goes to: Dave V., I mean The Hitman.
I’d lastly like to thank all of you for gathering tonight to celebrate Club Sub’s very existence. I’d also like to Frank White and Schemer, my writing staff, for this insanely brilliant speech.
Now as we look forward to the future of Club Sub, what do I see? Our future will rest on 5 basic principles:
We hope to continue to waste time on fantasy sports leagues and poker
We hope to continue to embellish our past stories
We hope to continue to fight the war on terror and the war on steroids, by continuing to ban Kevin Badway and Glen Underwood
Fourth, you will all continue to pledge your allegiance to me, your President, no matter how fool hearty my plans may be.
And finally, we renew our commitment to meet on a recurring basis of every 19 years, see you in 2026!
Thank you.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Club Sub Fantasy Football Poker Tourney
Congrats to The Hitman (Club Sub Convicts), for his 2nd Club Sub Fantasy Football Poker Tourney Title. The Hitman beat Tilt heads up for his 2nd consecutive title.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
New Club Sub Mascot Announced!!!!!
In a related story, club sub has announced its new mascot is a Chimp in a cleaning lady outfit. She is available on a rental list, House cleaning only!
Escaped Chimp Gets Snack, Cleans Bathroom
Providence, RI. -- An escaped chimpanzee at the Roger Williams Zoo raided a kitchen cupboard and did a little cleaning with a toilet brush before sedatives knocked her out on top of a refrigerator.
The 120-pound primate, Judy, escaped Tuesday into a service area when a zookeeper opened a door to her sleeping quarters, unaware the animal was still inside.
As keepers tried to woo Judy back into her cage, she rummaged through a refrigerator where chimp snacks are stored. She opened kitchen cupboards, pulled out juice and soft drinks and took a swig from bottles she managed to open.
Keeper Ann Rademacher said Judy went into the bathroom, picked up a toilet brush and cleaned the toilet. Rademacher said the 37-year-old Judy was a house pet before the zoo acquired her in 1988, so she may have been familiar with housekeeping chores. Judy wrung out a sponge and scrubbed down the fridge.
It took a couple of tries, but the zoo sedated the chimp, who fell asleep on top of the refrigerator with half a loaf of cinnamon-raisin bread she had pulled out of the freezer.
The zoo veterinarian gave Judy a drug to bring her around. Rademacher said Judy was groggy but fine after the episode. The zoo said there was no danger Judy would get out of the primate keepers service area and onto zoo grounds.
Escaped Chimp Gets Snack, Cleans Bathroom
Providence, RI. -- An escaped chimpanzee at the Roger Williams Zoo raided a kitchen cupboard and did a little cleaning with a toilet brush before sedatives knocked her out on top of a refrigerator.
The 120-pound primate, Judy, escaped Tuesday into a service area when a zookeeper opened a door to her sleeping quarters, unaware the animal was still inside.
As keepers tried to woo Judy back into her cage, she rummaged through a refrigerator where chimp snacks are stored. She opened kitchen cupboards, pulled out juice and soft drinks and took a swig from bottles she managed to open.
Keeper Ann Rademacher said Judy went into the bathroom, picked up a toilet brush and cleaned the toilet. Rademacher said the 37-year-old Judy was a house pet before the zoo acquired her in 1988, so she may have been familiar with housekeeping chores. Judy wrung out a sponge and scrubbed down the fridge.
It took a couple of tries, but the zoo sedated the chimp, who fell asleep on top of the refrigerator with half a loaf of cinnamon-raisin bread she had pulled out of the freezer.
The zoo veterinarian gave Judy a drug to bring her around. Rademacher said Judy was groggy but fine after the episode. The zoo said there was no danger Judy would get out of the primate keepers service area and onto zoo grounds.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Mud's Profile of the Month
Fic, our Secretary of Defense, is an avid inventor. He claims to be the man behind Velcro, the automobile, and those zip-tie thingys you use to bind up wiring....In his spare time, he attends cockfights, and practices "body-painting" where he covers his naked body in paint and leaps up against a six-foot wall of canvas...his last work sold for $8.25, and was called "I Just Don't Give a Fic".
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