Well, it's that time of year again, folks....The NFL season is upon us, which means that the Club Sub Fantasy Football League gets under way. I have decided that a preview is in order.
Here's Mud's take on the clubs. Remember, this is not my opinion- this is FACT, baby.
In alphabetical order....
CAPTAIN MORGAN MEN: Kept Torry Holt. Seriously, what else do you need to know? Oh, here's what else- his starting running backs are all backups (except for Maroney, who will be a backup by week 6). Strong receiving corps, with the exception of Javon Walker, who can't drink too much water without sprouting a leak due to the 412 stab wounds he suffered in Vegas. Oh, and as recently as a week ago he was seriously considering retirement.
Projected finish: 12th.
Sleeper: Darren Sproles. This choice almost got this probationary member kicked out of Club Sub. Look for big things from Sproles, especially when LaDanian Tomlinson gets benched by week 2.
Question mark: Will the guy who stabbed Javon Walker finish the job this year?
Club Sub Convicts: His week 1 starting lineup has first names of Donovan, Willis, LenDale, Marques, Jerricho, and Santana. And to round it out, Brandon, Nate, and Tony. Couple that with the fact that he can't stay off the bowl for more than 2 hours at a time and we see a rough year for the commish. However, I'm sure that he will bend the rules in his favor somehow as he does every year.
Projected Finish: 10th
Sleeper: Ted Ginn Jr. Is this guy a wideout or a partner in a law firm? I think a wideout. But seriously, drop the "Jr.". No one knows who "Ted Ginn Sr." is.
Question mark: Will the "roast the commish" feature each week spell doom?
DaPrez: Oh, boy- where do we start? LaDanian Tomlinson is due for a gruesome injury. Jamal Lewis is 62 years old, and has the emotional baggage of having been someone's bitch when he was in the joint. Ronnie Brown had his leg surgically reattached. And a potential savior, like Darren Sproles, is nowhere to be found. The glory days are over for DaPrez's administration. I don't see him defending this year.
Projected Finish: 7th
Sleeper: Jonathan Stewart. This guy is gonna be GOOOOD.
Question Mark: Tim Hightower could be a good one, but I don't think he'll perform well without Tacklebury, Mahoney, and Hooks.
Del's Destroyers: The strategy of not drafting a reasonable quarterback will sting. Ryan Grant will not get it done this year- not without a reliable passing game, and Aaron Rodgers didn't even get drafted. Also, he starts Greg Jennings...A shrewd move, considering that Green Bay's offense will suck this year. Seriously, was Del even at the draft, or was it the computer?
Projected Finish: 9th.
Sleeper: Ricky Williams: If he can stay off the herb, he could be a super pick. Or he could fall off the wagon and end up smoked out and eating Hostess cupcakes for 3 moths straight.
Question mark: How long before Willie Parker gets benched in favor of Rashard Mendenhall?
fat twins on bikes: Potential, potential, potential. This team could be dominant this year. Or they could suck out the joint. On paper, they are tops-good QBs, good RBs, decent wideouts. In reality, well, we'll see. This team's biggest issue is its owner.
Projected Finish: 2nd.
Sleeper: Rashard Mendenhall. Could end up the starter. Could end up fumbling one of his major organs away and dying. Only the Lord knows.
Question Mark: How long before this team gets ruined by a dubious trade?
Hot Corner: The combined age of his 3 satrting wideouts is 96 years old. Alge Crumpler's best days are behind him. The Pats D ain't what it used to be. And Marshawn Lynch could be going away for vehicular homicide. These, my friends, are not good things.
Projected Finish: 11th.
Sleeper: Thomas Jones. This guy is in line to have a big year with Favre in the backfield.
Question Mark: Who will he keep at the end of the year? His entire roster may be retiring.
The Battle of Jutland: All hail sweet youth! This team has the potential to go worst-to-first. This owner, clearly on a different intellectual plane from all of the other owners, fomented a revolution of youth that will hold this league in its clutches for the next 2 years. Or could render him into the basement yet again. A rigged draft lottery could spell doom.
Projected Finish: 1st.
Sleeper: All of them- Matt Forte, Kevin Smith, DeSean Jackson- Seriously.
Question Mark: The only thing that can stop this team is commissioner intervention, which is probably what will happen in. This league is as corrupt as the Teamsters in 1972.
The Clapp: An outstanding draft for the new guy, who really didn't have too much to work with. Truly made lemonade out of lemons. Palmer, Johnson, and Westbrook should be enough to alone carry this team into the playoffs. However, when Larry Johnson's legs fall off in week 7 and Brian Westbrook's Social Security kicks in, Clapp could be shit out of luck. But we think that this team can hold together and earn a playoff spot.
Projected Finish: 4th.
Sleeper: Matt Ryan. This guys is just what's needed at the QB position in ATL- a non-felon.
Question Mark: Rookie owner. Could potentially screw up his own team.
Fighting Amish: Solid core- goodQB, good RBs, decent wideouts. This all means nothing, as the players on this team are FRAGILE. Derek Anderson still sees double. Marvin Harrison has the left knee of a cadaver. Marion Barber gets his ass kicked every week. All of this adds up to a non-playoff berth for the contradictory pacifists.
Projected Finish: 8th.
Sleeper: Donnie Avery. First receiver chosen in last year's draft. Could end up like Hart Lee Dykes, though- shot at Shalimar.
Question Mark: Non Club Sub member. Karma's not on his side.
The Schemers: Looking at this team's Week 1 lineup...Things are not good. There's more Red Crosses here than in New Orleans 3 years ago. However, remove that factor and this team looks pretty good on paper. On paper.
Projected Finish: 5th.
Sleeper: Eddie Royal. Word on the street is that this guy has some skillz. That's right, skillz with a z.
Question Mark: Will a scathing roast of the commish result is some sort of score-tampering? I think so.
The Ward Boys: Well, well, well....Let's see how Adrian Peterson holds up...he was injured for a substantial amount of his college career....Big questions at receiver, other than Fitzie. Also, Darren McFadden has "bust" written all over him when teams realize that JaMarcus Russell isn't beating anybody and key on the run. Don't see this team making the playoffs. Also, minority owner That Guy is making a power move in the front office, so we suspect managerial discord for a team that thrives on unity.
Projected Finish: 6th.
Sleeper: Pierre Thomas. It's high time someone named "Pierre" made noise in the NFL.
Question Mark: Is Donald Driver all done? Stick a fork in that guy. That's what we think.
The Warriors: This team will sneak into the playoffs (as usual) and get smoked in the first round (as usual). We think that this team will rely too much on an Indianapolis offense that is not young anymore and is banged up (don't underestimate how much they will miss Jeff Saturday). However, they are STRONG at RB, which is half the battle in this league. That alone is enough to get them into the playoffs.
Projected Finish: 3rd
Sleeper: Felix Jones. I love the name "Felix". Love it, love it, LOVE IT.
Question Mark: Ownership has historically placed entirely too much stress on itself and panicked itself into moves that, in hindsight, sucked. Can ownership keep from going Mariah Carey and ENJOY this for what it's worth?
So there you have it folks. Good luck to all this season, and long live Club Sub.
And if you don't like anything I had to say here, feel free to blow it out your ass, as usual.
Mud out.
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Club Sub Begins Minor League system: Here's our #1 Prospect
5-Year-Old Leaves Day Care, Goes to Hooters
DENTON, Texas -- Denton police say a child was able to sneak out of his day-care center without anyone noticing and take a perilous walk that ended at a Hooters restaurant.
The 5-year-old boy reportedly walked out of the Imagination Station day care in the 2300 block of San Jacinto Boulevard on Tuesday afternoon.
Police said he walked a long way in 100-degree heat crossing at least two busy streets.
He went to a Pep Boys, where he swiped some gum, according to a store worker. The boy then hiked to a RaceTrac gas station where he stole a soda, according to investigators.
His walk then led to a Hooters restaurant where employees gave him a coloring book and soda pop to drink and called police.
The child was not hurt and he was released to his father.
Imagination Station would not comment on the situation.
According to the Department of Family and Protective Services, the day care has had several violations including one in April in which inspectors determined that staff was not properly supervising the children.
The state agency is now investigating this case.
The 5-year-old boy reportedly walked out of the Imagination Station day care in the 2300 block of San Jacinto Boulevard on Tuesday afternoon.
Police said he walked a long way in 100-degree heat crossing at least two busy streets.
He went to a Pep Boys, where he swiped some gum, according to a store worker. The boy then hiked to a RaceTrac gas station where he stole a soda, according to investigators.
His walk then led to a Hooters restaurant where employees gave him a coloring book and soda pop to drink and called police.
The child was not hurt and he was released to his father.
Imagination Station would not comment on the situation.
According to the Department of Family and Protective Services, the day care has had several violations including one in April in which inspectors determined that staff was not properly supervising the children.
The state agency is now investigating this case.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
WTF????
Speak up
"The power couple is also responsible for inspiring so many other couples, including celebrity couples, to marry more than once. We are so happy to see so many people now choosing to marry multiple times, or renew their vows privately and publicly."
Ex-NBA player Doug Christie, who with wife Jackie, the self-proclaimed "power couple," were married for the 13th time July 8 in Seattle.
Club Sub asked the Christies if they were happy remarrying the same person so many times.
Doug replied, "It's the greatest thing I've ever done"
Seems to me that I've heard that before
Friday, May 30, 2008
Thursday, May 29, 2008
"Similar to History's 2nd worst pitch: a muscle bound wrestler from Florida named simply: "Gunderwood"
Hey Nice Car, Gunderwood!!!!!!!!
long standing plans to replace mailmen are now being implemented
Monkeys control a robot arm with thoughts
By Benedict Carey
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Two monkeys with tiny sensors in their brains have learned to control a mechanical arm with just their thoughts, using it to reach for and grab food and even to adjust for the size and stickiness of morsels when necessary, scientists reported on Wednesday.
The report, released online by the journal Nature, is the most striking demonstration to date of brain-machine interface technology. Scientists expect that technology will eventually allow people with spinal cord injuries and other paralyzing conditions to gain more control over their lives.
The findings suggest that brain-controlled prosthetics, while not practical, are at least technically within reach.
In previous studies, researchers showed that humans who had been paralyzed for years could learn to control a cursor on a computer screen with their brain waves and that nonhuman primates could use their thoughts to move a mechanical arm, a robotic hand, a robot on a treadmill or a small vehicle.
The new experiment goes a step further. In it, the monkeys' brains seem to have adopted the mechanical appendage as their own, refining its movement as it interacted with real objects in real time. The monkeys had their own arms gently restrained while they learned to use the added one.
Experts not involved with the study said the findings were likely to accelerate interest in human testing, especially given the need to treat head and spinal injuries in veterans returning from Iraq and Afghanistan.
"This study really pulls together all the pieces from earlier work and provides a clear demonstration of what's possible," said Dr. William Heetderks , director of the extramural science program at the National Institute of Biomedical Imaging and Bioengineering.
Dr. John Donoghue, director of the Institute of Brain Science at Brown University, said the new report was "important because it's the most comprehensive study showing how an animal interacts with complex objects, using only brain activity."
The researchers, from the University of Pittsburgh and Carnegie Mellon University, used monkeys partly because of their anatomical similarities to humans and partly because they are quick learners.
In the experiment, two macaques first used a joystick to gain a feel for the arm, which had shoulder joints, an elbow and a grasping claw with two mechanical fingers.
Then, just beneath the monkeys' skulls, the scientists implanted a grid about the size of a large freckle. It sat on the motor cortex, over a patch of cells known to signal arm and hand movements. The grid held 100 tiny electrodes, each connecting to a single neuron, its wires running out of the brain and to a computer.
The computer was programmed to analyze the collective firing of these 100 motor neurons, translate that sum into an electronic command and send it instantaneously to the arm, which was mounted flush with the left shoulder.
The scientists used the computer to help the monkeys move the arm at first, essentially teaching them with biofeedback.
After several days, the monkeys needed no help. They sat stationary in a chair, repeatedly manipulating the arm with their brain to reach out and grab grapes, marshmallows and other nuggets dangled in front of them. The snacks reached the mouths about two-thirds of the time — an impressive rate, compared with earlier work.
The monkeys learned to hold the grip open on approaching the food, close it just enough to hold the food and gradually loosen the grip when feeding.
On several occasions, a monkey kept its claw open on the way back, with the food stuck to one finger. At other times, a monkey moved the arm to lick the fingers clean or to push a bit of food into its mouth while ignoring a newly presented morsel.
The animals were apparently freelancing, discovering new uses for the arm, showing "displays of embodiment that would never be seen in a virtual environment," the researchers wrote.
"In the real world, things don't work as expected," said the senior author of the paper, Dr. Andrew Schwartz, a professor of neurobiology at the University of Pittsburgh. "The marshmallow sticks to your hand or the food slips, and you can't program a computer to anticipate all of that.
"But the monkeys' brains adjusted. They were licking the marshmallow off the prosthetic gripper, pushing food into their mouth, as if it were their own hand."
The co-authors were Meel Velliste, Sagi Perel, M. Chance Spalding and Andrew Whitford.
Scientists have to clear several hurdles before this technology becomes practical, experts said. Implantable electrode grids do not generally last more than a period of months, for reasons that remain unclear.
The equipment to read and transmit the signal can be cumbersome and in need of continual monitoring and recalibrating. And no one has yet demonstrated a workable wireless system that would eliminate the need for connections through the scalp.
Yet Schwartz's team, Donoghue's group and others are working on all of the problems, and the two macaques' rapid learning curve in taking ownership of a foreign limb gives scientists confidence that the main obstacles are technical and, thus, negotiable.
In an editorial accompanying the Nature study, Dr. John Kalaska, a neuroscientist at the University of Montreal, argued that after such bugs had been worked out, scientists might even discover areas of the cortex that allow more intimate, subtle control of prosthetic devices.
Such systems, Kalaska wrote, "would allow patients with severe motor deficits to interact and communicate with the world not only by the moment-to-moment control of the motion of robotic devices, but also in a more natural and intuitive manner that reflects their overall goals, needs and preferences."
By Benedict Carey
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Two monkeys with tiny sensors in their brains have learned to control a mechanical arm with just their thoughts, using it to reach for and grab food and even to adjust for the size and stickiness of morsels when necessary, scientists reported on Wednesday.
The report, released online by the journal Nature, is the most striking demonstration to date of brain-machine interface technology. Scientists expect that technology will eventually allow people with spinal cord injuries and other paralyzing conditions to gain more control over their lives.
The findings suggest that brain-controlled prosthetics, while not practical, are at least technically within reach.
In previous studies, researchers showed that humans who had been paralyzed for years could learn to control a cursor on a computer screen with their brain waves and that nonhuman primates could use their thoughts to move a mechanical arm, a robotic hand, a robot on a treadmill or a small vehicle.
The new experiment goes a step further. In it, the monkeys' brains seem to have adopted the mechanical appendage as their own, refining its movement as it interacted with real objects in real time. The monkeys had their own arms gently restrained while they learned to use the added one.
Experts not involved with the study said the findings were likely to accelerate interest in human testing, especially given the need to treat head and spinal injuries in veterans returning from Iraq and Afghanistan.
"This study really pulls together all the pieces from earlier work and provides a clear demonstration of what's possible," said Dr. William Heetderks , director of the extramural science program at the National Institute of Biomedical Imaging and Bioengineering.
Dr. John Donoghue, director of the Institute of Brain Science at Brown University, said the new report was "important because it's the most comprehensive study showing how an animal interacts with complex objects, using only brain activity."
The researchers, from the University of Pittsburgh and Carnegie Mellon University, used monkeys partly because of their anatomical similarities to humans and partly because they are quick learners.
In the experiment, two macaques first used a joystick to gain a feel for the arm, which had shoulder joints, an elbow and a grasping claw with two mechanical fingers.
Then, just beneath the monkeys' skulls, the scientists implanted a grid about the size of a large freckle. It sat on the motor cortex, over a patch of cells known to signal arm and hand movements. The grid held 100 tiny electrodes, each connecting to a single neuron, its wires running out of the brain and to a computer.
The computer was programmed to analyze the collective firing of these 100 motor neurons, translate that sum into an electronic command and send it instantaneously to the arm, which was mounted flush with the left shoulder.
The scientists used the computer to help the monkeys move the arm at first, essentially teaching them with biofeedback.
After several days, the monkeys needed no help. They sat stationary in a chair, repeatedly manipulating the arm with their brain to reach out and grab grapes, marshmallows and other nuggets dangled in front of them. The snacks reached the mouths about two-thirds of the time — an impressive rate, compared with earlier work.
The monkeys learned to hold the grip open on approaching the food, close it just enough to hold the food and gradually loosen the grip when feeding.
On several occasions, a monkey kept its claw open on the way back, with the food stuck to one finger. At other times, a monkey moved the arm to lick the fingers clean or to push a bit of food into its mouth while ignoring a newly presented morsel.
The animals were apparently freelancing, discovering new uses for the arm, showing "displays of embodiment that would never be seen in a virtual environment," the researchers wrote.
"In the real world, things don't work as expected," said the senior author of the paper, Dr. Andrew Schwartz, a professor of neurobiology at the University of Pittsburgh. "The marshmallow sticks to your hand or the food slips, and you can't program a computer to anticipate all of that.
"But the monkeys' brains adjusted. They were licking the marshmallow off the prosthetic gripper, pushing food into their mouth, as if it were their own hand."
The co-authors were Meel Velliste, Sagi Perel, M. Chance Spalding and Andrew Whitford.
Scientists have to clear several hurdles before this technology becomes practical, experts said. Implantable electrode grids do not generally last more than a period of months, for reasons that remain unclear.
The equipment to read and transmit the signal can be cumbersome and in need of continual monitoring and recalibrating. And no one has yet demonstrated a workable wireless system that would eliminate the need for connections through the scalp.
Yet Schwartz's team, Donoghue's group and others are working on all of the problems, and the two macaques' rapid learning curve in taking ownership of a foreign limb gives scientists confidence that the main obstacles are technical and, thus, negotiable.
In an editorial accompanying the Nature study, Dr. John Kalaska, a neuroscientist at the University of Montreal, argued that after such bugs had been worked out, scientists might even discover areas of the cortex that allow more intimate, subtle control of prosthetic devices.
Such systems, Kalaska wrote, "would allow patients with severe motor deficits to interact and communicate with the world not only by the moment-to-moment control of the motion of robotic devices, but also in a more natural and intuitive manner that reflects their overall goals, needs and preferences."
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Drunkology
The History of Drunks
Drunkology is the study of the history of drunks. A burgeoning field, it is
now taught at some of the finer institutions in the US, led by Johnson and
Wales. Recently, 60 minutes found a student in one of these "classes", who
is also a member of the secretive Club sub organization, and interviewed
him in order to learn about drunkology and put some recent Club Sub events
in perspective. Here is the interview with that member, who prefers to be
called "Deep Drunk"
1. Reporter: "Deep Drunk: what did you learn most about your experience?"
Deep drunk: "JWU kids smoke tons of weed."
2. Reporter: "Well beyond that, what did you learn about drunkology?"
Deep Drunk: "Oh that. Pretty interesting. I learned about the forms of
drunkenness, and some famous celebrities who fit those descriptions. For
example, under the "happy drunk" profile, ie those people who get happier
and friendlier when drunk, you have such historical luminaries as, well
actually none come to mind right now. Oh yes Nixon, was a happy drunk."
Reporter: "Nixon?
Deep Drunk: "Yes, keep in mind its "happier than they usually were" Other
examples of happy drunks include Priests, Mayor Cicilline, and every gay man
as well. And ARod. The second category are "mean drunks" These are
personalities prone to get meaner with alcohol. Generally this includes
Doctors, Senators, Lesbians and Athletes. Classic studies include: Dr Ruth,
Ted Kennedy and Ellen Degeneres. From the sports world, Billy Martin, the
Mick, Whitey Ford, Lou Pinella, actually the entire Yankee franchise except
for A Rod. Also Dustin Diamond and Sherman Helmsley, were notorious mean
drunks."
Reporter: "You mean Screech and Mr Jefferson?"
Deep Drunk: That's right, in fact Sherman came up with the name Wheezy in a
drunken stupor after drinking 3 bottles of malt liquor, in which he blamed
her for falling ratings and is alleged to have said: "if you don't get in
shape and quit smoking, I'll fire your wheezin ass."
Reporter: " Wow, interesting. Any other observations?"
Deep Drunk: "Yes we also learned about the little known 3rd chromosome that
creates the worst kind of drunk, and we learned the typical profile of that
person."
Reporter: "Please go on, I'm fascinated by the absurdity of this"
Deep Drunk: "The 3rd chromosome is known as the "doom" chromosome. It
strikes about 1 out of 1000 people, though interestingly enough 1 out of 10
Yankee fans and 1 out of 3 postal workers."
Reporter: "My God what would happen if a yankee fan was a postal worker?"
Deep Drunk: "Well we see the results of that constantly whether its the
random post office massacre ie. the phrase "going postal" or the Yankee fan
who "falls" onto the field from the upper balcony.
Reporter: "Interesting and yet good for society. Now what traits do these
people posses?"
Deep Drunk: "Well very similar traits in fact. They are generally front
runners, they like winners like the Cowboys, Yankees, and the Republican
Party. Also they prefer repetitive tasks which is why they are often
fisherman, mailman, chronic masturbators, or sometimes all three. They tend
to be a bit unhappy on the home front, preferring the "good old" days,
though no one is quite sure those days were actually that good.
Reporter: " So could you explain quickly, as my train is coming in and this
is getting tedious, what happens when the "doom" chromosome gets drunk?"
Deep Drunk: "Yes, let me point to some historical events to put this in
context. Lee Harvey Oswald: Cowboy fan, bookstore worker, republican, gets
drunk and kills a president. Bill Parcells, cowboy fan, coach, republican,
gets drunk and throws the Pats superbowl vs the Packers. Ted Kazinsky, aka
the Unabomber, Laker fan, chronic masturbator, fly fisherman, ultra
Republican, gets drunk and blows things up......thru the post office!.
Reverend Wright, Yankee fan, preacher, gets so drunk one day he wakes up and
thinks he's a Republican and attempts to destroy Obama. In Club sub we see
some parallels. Teaching, a repetitive task if there ever was one, is a
breeding ground for "doom" We see some epic doomed decisions from this
crowd. How about the President buying a horse and keeping it indoors, then
telling everyone its actually a dog. And those shirts "that guy" wears. Or
the fact that some members have negative credit scores. Or the fact that one
member hasn't seen a doctor since he was 7, because the last time he went he
got a thermometer in "the bad place" Or the fact that one member bought a
house with a hole in the backyard the size of Rosie Odonnell's vageen. Or
the fact that one member fled to Canada on fears he'd be drafted for this
Iraq war, he's 36. Or the fact that one ex member calls himself Ypac and
claims that Tom Cruise is of mixed Asian decent. Or Yung Flanagan running a
pass route into the pavement. But of all those epic cases of the doom
chromosome causing bad decisions, by far the worst recurring case can be
seen in the Human Rain Delay (HRD). The HRD is worse than Mantle, Mr Jefferson and
Oswald combined. He is rumored to have used his gratuitous phrase "go fuck
your face" at parent teacher night, communion, and a Hanna Montana concert.
His displays at poker tournaments are equally shameful. He is known to show
the whole table his cards, yet still make a bet, because "no one knows what
I'm thinking though". He drinks Scotch in quantities that would make Dudley
Moore cringe. He gets over emotional and crosses into the gay ecstasy zone
of let me hug and kiss you even though you're a guy. He slows down to sloth
type speed, a speed so slow it makes other postal workers envious. He
constantly checks his phone as it blasts the ring tone to Kashmir, though no
one is quite sure who's calling a mailman at 2:00 am on a Saturday night.
Reporter: " Wow well how do you combat that annoying, hideous, farm animal,
hope my kids don't turn out that way but my sister in law's do, type
behavior?"
Deep Drunk: "Well first of all we combat it by only seeing him 4 times a
year, it takes about 3 months to recover. Secondly we combated it by
maintaining a very high entrance exam for his potential admission to club
sub. You know the senior leadership council is often criticized for not
maintaining the same entrance standards for each member. For example one
recent member "just" had to go a day without eating burger king (though for
this member this was actually a herculean task). Whereas HRD's hurdle would
appear to be higher. However after all we've just discussed on his doom
chromosome, which by the way is a recessive gene, what better entrance exam
than to prevent any further Doom carriers to populate the earth.
Reporter: "Wait are you saying what I think you're saying?"
Deep Drunk: "Yes, his entrance exam was to get a vasectomy."
Reporter: "And there you have it folks, drunkology, its current forms,
traits, and a frightening secretive cult type organization that requires a
vasectomy to enter. However uncivilized, archaic or barbaric that may seem,
I must say that in this case, its probably deserved because frankly, that
HRD sounds like a big douche bag.
I'm Ed Bradley signing off for 60 minutes and yes I'm dead and that old man
Mike Wallace outlived me. He drinks the blood of young puppies I tell you!
Drunkology is the study of the history of drunks. A burgeoning field, it is
now taught at some of the finer institutions in the US, led by Johnson and
Wales. Recently, 60 minutes found a student in one of these "classes", who
is also a member of the secretive Club sub organization, and interviewed
him in order to learn about drunkology and put some recent Club Sub events
in perspective. Here is the interview with that member, who prefers to be
called "Deep Drunk"
1. Reporter: "Deep Drunk: what did you learn most about your experience?"
Deep drunk: "JWU kids smoke tons of weed."
2. Reporter: "Well beyond that, what did you learn about drunkology?"
Deep Drunk: "Oh that. Pretty interesting. I learned about the forms of
drunkenness, and some famous celebrities who fit those descriptions. For
example, under the "happy drunk" profile, ie those people who get happier
and friendlier when drunk, you have such historical luminaries as, well
actually none come to mind right now. Oh yes Nixon, was a happy drunk."
Reporter: "Nixon?
Deep Drunk: "Yes, keep in mind its "happier than they usually were" Other
examples of happy drunks include Priests, Mayor Cicilline, and every gay man
as well. And ARod. The second category are "mean drunks" These are
personalities prone to get meaner with alcohol. Generally this includes
Doctors, Senators, Lesbians and Athletes. Classic studies include: Dr Ruth,
Ted Kennedy and Ellen Degeneres. From the sports world, Billy Martin, the
Mick, Whitey Ford, Lou Pinella, actually the entire Yankee franchise except
for A Rod. Also Dustin Diamond and Sherman Helmsley, were notorious mean
drunks."
Reporter: "You mean Screech and Mr Jefferson?"
Deep Drunk: That's right, in fact Sherman came up with the name Wheezy in a
drunken stupor after drinking 3 bottles of malt liquor, in which he blamed
her for falling ratings and is alleged to have said: "if you don't get in
shape and quit smoking, I'll fire your wheezin ass."
Reporter: " Wow, interesting. Any other observations?"
Deep Drunk: "Yes we also learned about the little known 3rd chromosome that
creates the worst kind of drunk, and we learned the typical profile of that
person."
Reporter: "Please go on, I'm fascinated by the absurdity of this"
Deep Drunk: "The 3rd chromosome is known as the "doom" chromosome. It
strikes about 1 out of 1000 people, though interestingly enough 1 out of 10
Yankee fans and 1 out of 3 postal workers."
Reporter: "My God what would happen if a yankee fan was a postal worker?"
Deep Drunk: "Well we see the results of that constantly whether its the
random post office massacre ie. the phrase "going postal" or the Yankee fan
who "falls" onto the field from the upper balcony.
Reporter: "Interesting and yet good for society. Now what traits do these
people posses?"
Deep Drunk: "Well very similar traits in fact. They are generally front
runners, they like winners like the Cowboys, Yankees, and the Republican
Party. Also they prefer repetitive tasks which is why they are often
fisherman, mailman, chronic masturbators, or sometimes all three. They tend
to be a bit unhappy on the home front, preferring the "good old" days,
though no one is quite sure those days were actually that good.
Reporter: " So could you explain quickly, as my train is coming in and this
is getting tedious, what happens when the "doom" chromosome gets drunk?"
Deep Drunk: "Yes, let me point to some historical events to put this in
context. Lee Harvey Oswald: Cowboy fan, bookstore worker, republican, gets
drunk and kills a president. Bill Parcells, cowboy fan, coach, republican,
gets drunk and throws the Pats superbowl vs the Packers. Ted Kazinsky, aka
the Unabomber, Laker fan, chronic masturbator, fly fisherman, ultra
Republican, gets drunk and blows things up......thru the post office!.
Reverend Wright, Yankee fan, preacher, gets so drunk one day he wakes up and
thinks he's a Republican and attempts to destroy Obama. In Club sub we see
some parallels. Teaching, a repetitive task if there ever was one, is a
breeding ground for "doom" We see some epic doomed decisions from this
crowd. How about the President buying a horse and keeping it indoors, then
telling everyone its actually a dog. And those shirts "that guy" wears. Or
the fact that some members have negative credit scores. Or the fact that one
member hasn't seen a doctor since he was 7, because the last time he went he
got a thermometer in "the bad place" Or the fact that one member bought a
house with a hole in the backyard the size of Rosie Odonnell's vageen. Or
the fact that one member fled to Canada on fears he'd be drafted for this
Iraq war, he's 36. Or the fact that one ex member calls himself Ypac and
claims that Tom Cruise is of mixed Asian decent. Or Yung Flanagan running a
pass route into the pavement. But of all those epic cases of the doom
chromosome causing bad decisions, by far the worst recurring case can be
seen in the Human Rain Delay (HRD). The HRD is worse than Mantle, Mr Jefferson and
Oswald combined. He is rumored to have used his gratuitous phrase "go fuck
your face" at parent teacher night, communion, and a Hanna Montana concert.
His displays at poker tournaments are equally shameful. He is known to show
the whole table his cards, yet still make a bet, because "no one knows what
I'm thinking though". He drinks Scotch in quantities that would make Dudley
Moore cringe. He gets over emotional and crosses into the gay ecstasy zone
of let me hug and kiss you even though you're a guy. He slows down to sloth
type speed, a speed so slow it makes other postal workers envious. He
constantly checks his phone as it blasts the ring tone to Kashmir, though no
one is quite sure who's calling a mailman at 2:00 am on a Saturday night.
Reporter: " Wow well how do you combat that annoying, hideous, farm animal,
hope my kids don't turn out that way but my sister in law's do, type
behavior?"
Deep Drunk: "Well first of all we combat it by only seeing him 4 times a
year, it takes about 3 months to recover. Secondly we combated it by
maintaining a very high entrance exam for his potential admission to club
sub. You know the senior leadership council is often criticized for not
maintaining the same entrance standards for each member. For example one
recent member "just" had to go a day without eating burger king (though for
this member this was actually a herculean task). Whereas HRD's hurdle would
appear to be higher. However after all we've just discussed on his doom
chromosome, which by the way is a recessive gene, what better entrance exam
than to prevent any further Doom carriers to populate the earth.
Reporter: "Wait are you saying what I think you're saying?"
Deep Drunk: "Yes, his entrance exam was to get a vasectomy."
Reporter: "And there you have it folks, drunkology, its current forms,
traits, and a frightening secretive cult type organization that requires a
vasectomy to enter. However uncivilized, archaic or barbaric that may seem,
I must say that in this case, its probably deserved because frankly, that
HRD sounds like a big douche bag.
I'm Ed Bradley signing off for 60 minutes and yes I'm dead and that old man
Mike Wallace outlived me. He drinks the blood of young puppies I tell you!
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Club Sub NBA Tourney
Member Team Record
Hitman-
Boston 16-10
Toronto 1-4
Dallas 1-4
TOTAL WINS= 18-18
DaPrez-
Lakers 14-7
Orlando 5-5
Washington 2-4
TOTAL WINS= 21-16
Yung Flanigan-
Detroit 10-7
Cleveland 7-6
Houston 2-4
TOTAL WINS = 19-17
That Guy-
NO 7-6
Utah 6-6
Philly 2-4
TOTAL WINS = 15-16
Scheemer-
San Antonio 9-8
Phoenix 1-4
Denver 0-4
TOTAL WINS = 10-16
Hitman-
Boston 16-10
Toronto 1-4
Dallas 1-4
TOTAL WINS= 18-18
DaPrez-
Lakers 14-7
Orlando 5-5
Washington 2-4
TOTAL WINS= 21-16
Yung Flanigan-
Detroit 10-7
Cleveland 7-6
Houston 2-4
TOTAL WINS = 19-17
That Guy-
NO 7-6
Utah 6-6
Philly 2-4
TOTAL WINS = 15-16
Scheemer-
San Antonio 9-8
Phoenix 1-4
Denver 0-4
TOTAL WINS = 10-16
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Club Sub notes the top 10 Principles of Chili's restaurants
Top 10:
1. We will deliver bad food, slowly
2. Smells bad tastes worse, its the fajita!
3. The customer always comes first, unless we're involved in a really good conversation.
4. The male staff members would like to stab u with their member.
5. The tv's will be perfectly viewable from precisely one seat.
6. Speak softly, because staff will be eavesdropping
7. The ratio of employees to customers is surprisingly high given how poor our service is.
8. The manager is always a middle aged underachiever, with a headset on. It is unplugged.
9. There aren't many rules at Chili's, but entering thru the takeout door is
strictly prohibited.
10. All of this outweighed by free chips and salsa, which make us come back.
1. We will deliver bad food, slowly
2. Smells bad tastes worse, its the fajita!
3. The customer always comes first, unless we're involved in a really good conversation.
4. The male staff members would like to stab u with their member.
5. The tv's will be perfectly viewable from precisely one seat.
6. Speak softly, because staff will be eavesdropping
7. The ratio of employees to customers is surprisingly high given how poor our service is.
8. The manager is always a middle aged underachiever, with a headset on. It is unplugged.
9. There aren't many rules at Chili's, but entering thru the takeout door is
strictly prohibited.
10. All of this outweighed by free chips and salsa, which make us come back.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Redacted/Retracted, either way Mailman’s candidacy for Club Sub on the rocks, Delegates Split
RI- News from this small irrelevant state, a split in the Club Sub Super Delegates has seriously hampered the candidacy of the Mailman, i.e. Newman, i.e Clavine, i.e Monkey Work. Four Super delegates, previously have split 2-2 on whether to continue to allow the Mailman to shirk his responsibilities for his initiation.
Said the VP: this is all under the guise of his new “baby”, however we all know he and his wife don’t sleep together. The fact that this baby likes soccer, plays poker poorly and talks with a fake English accent also has me wondering.”
The Schemer took a different view, saying, “this is not dissimilar to the Beer Hall Putsch in Nazi
The President: could not be reached for comment as he’s currently breast feeding his dog, taking the gall bladder out of his baby, and house training his wife, or something like that.
The Hitman: also could not be reached as he’s been sick now for 17 straight years, however he is hoping to “ drink his way out of it on Friday”
Meanwhile, other shocking developments in the scandal have arisen. Footage of the Mailman’s alleged Spiritual Advisor, only known as The Mayo, has appeared on You tube. The footage appears to show an inebriated Mayo breaking into the Roger Williams Zoo, and then videotaping a comparison of his member with a number of different zoological creatures. He was quoted as saying: “Monkeys, Lions, those things that are half sheep half goat, I’ve got them all beat, but who would have known that Old security guard was so well hung”.
Additionally his anti club sub rhetoric was also taped. Comments included:
- “Club sub brought miller lite into the inner cities and ghettos. Think about it, who benefits?”
- “Club Sub poker players are greedy loud mouth idiots who will play anything at any time.”
- “I can live on Rice a Roni and Vodka, can’t you ?”
Breaking news: the Mailman has just been quoted as saying: “no more baby problems, I’m getting snipped”. The super delegates are now huddling. They’ve come out of conference……. It’s unamimous! He’s been thrown out pending further news!
Monday, January 28, 2008
Proud Papa Makes all of us his Bitches
Ho-hum. Just another day for the Terminator. Wife has a kid, he wins a poker tourney. This getting pretty damn boring.
"I never had any doubt about it," he says. "It was the best day of my week, that's for sure."
Hmm...How about the day when your daughter was born? It occurred in the past week.
"Well that was great obviously. But I mean in the Gregorian calendar week, which begins each week on Sundays. If we were going by fiscal week, then I would have to say it was the second best day of the week. But I don't think ClubSub goes by fiscal week. [ to Frank White] Do we go by fiscal week?"
"Do you even know what 'fiscal' means?" asks Frank.
Wordsmith or not, once again, the Terminator had to fend off a strong field, and for the second straight tourney, he was forced to face off with Mud heads-up for the cash and the bragging rights. However, a deal was brokered whereby Mud got his entry fee back. This type of deal is unusual for the champion, but since the format (winner take all) screws those who come in second, the recent winner of the V Classic was feeling charitable.
"I figured it was easier. I wouldn't have to hear him bitch and moan."
But the Terminator didn't realize what he was getting as part of the deal- he must now chase down Florida Boy for the $14 that he was unable to contribute due to Florida Boy's being located in Florida, and due to Florida Boy's legal troubles (he was named in the Mitchell report), so it's unlikely that the champ will ever see that $$.
The field fought hard- an aggressive blind structure (it appears that we finally have it figured out) was key in making this tournament flow quickly. First out was The Rat, who scared the bejesus out of all of us by going out in the yard to play catch (Rat has a fake leg, and he is not too stable on it).
Who did Rat play catch with? Read my newest feature:
"Mud's Bad Beat of the Day!"
This award goes to Da Prez. DaPrez pushed all in against The Schemer, and at the time, both players had pretty large stacks. Schemer did have him covered though, and called Da Prez's all-in. Da Prez had Rockets, Schemer had the fish hooks.
Flop was useless- no help to either. But Da Turn killed Da Prez. JACK. Schemer wins with trips, and we all won, 'cuz Da Prez went on tilt like you read about. The kids were sent outside, and Da Prez went on an obscenity tear that was quite impressive.
"&%$@@$%^*(^#@#@#^&$^#%#," said Da Prez. " sonuva$%^#$%^ slutbag."
After that, players began to fall more rapidly. Next to go was the host, Tilt, who put out an impressive spread with excellent sliders, fantastic meatballs & sauce, and enough Chex Mix to feed Europe for a couple of days. However, his cards weren't nearly as good, and out he went. Special thanks to Tilt for hosting and putting out the spread- excellent as usual.
Next out was That Guy, and it was unremarkable, as indicated by the fact that I can't remember who knocked him out. Just like That Guy...
Newest probationary member AC (he is so new that he does not have a title yet) went out next. He had a great hand, but was drawing dead and didn't know it...Poor bastard.
Hit Man was clipped next. Fortunately for him, a side game developed which allowed him to play cards and eat meatballs and gravy out of a cup for some reason (plates were available, butt lick!)
Finally the Schemer succumbed to the bad karma he created when he beat DaPrez. Beaten down by the blinds, he ended up being all in with 3-7 or some shitty hand like that...Fortunately, he has a big penis, which keeps him happy.
The final four gathered around the table. Sloppy kept telling everyone it was great that he was losing so that he could make his hockey game. He said it so much that WE ALL wanted to lose to go to his hockey game.....Or we just wanted him to leave, I'm not sure which...
Unfortunately for Mr. Gretzky here, JT fell next (Terminator got him), so Sloppy had to stick around for a bit...
But he soon went down to Terminator, who now had about 19,000 in chips. Mud, who had about 1,000 (which was the big blind), folded his way to the final two yet again.
What happened next was certainly quite odd...Mud, showing the business savvy that can only be described as "Mexican", sensed he held all of the bargaining power, and made an egregiously one-sided offer to Terminator. Here is how it came to pass that the final 2 were never dealt a hand.
"Tell you what," said Mud, making it sound like he was making a concession to Terminator, "You give me my $21 entry fee back and we will call it even."
Terminator, who was excited to get home to be with his family, agreed.
The lesson is this: Mud and Terminator, shall, under NO circumstances, ever be allowed to run a business, together or seperately, or make any kind of investment without assistance.
The final order:
11. Rat
10. Da Prez
9. Tilt
8. That Guy
7. AC
6. Hit Man
5. Schemer
4. JT
3. Sloppy
2. Mud
1. Terminator
And the Oscar goes to Andrew, who "injured" his ankle playing basketball and limped around the rest of the day. What was interesting was that he forgot which ankle he hurt from time to time, leading to him limping on different and/or both legs. We'll put it down to the shock, kid.
And sincere Congrats to Terminator and Mrs. Terminator on the birth of A.L.!!
All the best to the family.
Good night, and good luck.
"I never had any doubt about it," he says. "It was the best day of my week, that's for sure."
Hmm...How about the day when your daughter was born? It occurred in the past week.
"Well that was great obviously. But I mean in the Gregorian calendar week, which begins each week on Sundays. If we were going by fiscal week, then I would have to say it was the second best day of the week. But I don't think ClubSub goes by fiscal week. [ to Frank White] Do we go by fiscal week?"
"Do you even know what 'fiscal' means?" asks Frank.
Wordsmith or not, once again, the Terminator had to fend off a strong field, and for the second straight tourney, he was forced to face off with Mud heads-up for the cash and the bragging rights. However, a deal was brokered whereby Mud got his entry fee back. This type of deal is unusual for the champion, but since the format (winner take all) screws those who come in second, the recent winner of the V Classic was feeling charitable.
"I figured it was easier. I wouldn't have to hear him bitch and moan."
But the Terminator didn't realize what he was getting as part of the deal- he must now chase down Florida Boy for the $14 that he was unable to contribute due to Florida Boy's being located in Florida, and due to Florida Boy's legal troubles (he was named in the Mitchell report), so it's unlikely that the champ will ever see that $$.
The field fought hard- an aggressive blind structure (it appears that we finally have it figured out) was key in making this tournament flow quickly. First out was The Rat, who scared the bejesus out of all of us by going out in the yard to play catch (Rat has a fake leg, and he is not too stable on it).
Who did Rat play catch with? Read my newest feature:
"Mud's Bad Beat of the Day!"
This award goes to Da Prez. DaPrez pushed all in against The Schemer, and at the time, both players had pretty large stacks. Schemer did have him covered though, and called Da Prez's all-in. Da Prez had Rockets, Schemer had the fish hooks.
Flop was useless- no help to either. But Da Turn killed Da Prez. JACK. Schemer wins with trips, and we all won, 'cuz Da Prez went on tilt like you read about. The kids were sent outside, and Da Prez went on an obscenity tear that was quite impressive.
"&%$@@$%^*(^#@#@#^&$^#%#," said Da Prez. " sonuva$%^#$%^ slutbag."
After that, players began to fall more rapidly. Next to go was the host, Tilt, who put out an impressive spread with excellent sliders, fantastic meatballs & sauce, and enough Chex Mix to feed Europe for a couple of days. However, his cards weren't nearly as good, and out he went. Special thanks to Tilt for hosting and putting out the spread- excellent as usual.
Next out was That Guy, and it was unremarkable, as indicated by the fact that I can't remember who knocked him out. Just like That Guy...
Newest probationary member AC (he is so new that he does not have a title yet) went out next. He had a great hand, but was drawing dead and didn't know it...Poor bastard.
Hit Man was clipped next. Fortunately for him, a side game developed which allowed him to play cards and eat meatballs and gravy out of a cup for some reason (plates were available, butt lick!)
Finally the Schemer succumbed to the bad karma he created when he beat DaPrez. Beaten down by the blinds, he ended up being all in with 3-7 or some shitty hand like that...Fortunately, he has a big penis, which keeps him happy.
The final four gathered around the table. Sloppy kept telling everyone it was great that he was losing so that he could make his hockey game. He said it so much that WE ALL wanted to lose to go to his hockey game.....Or we just wanted him to leave, I'm not sure which...
Unfortunately for Mr. Gretzky here, JT fell next (Terminator got him), so Sloppy had to stick around for a bit...
But he soon went down to Terminator, who now had about 19,000 in chips. Mud, who had about 1,000 (which was the big blind), folded his way to the final two yet again.
What happened next was certainly quite odd...Mud, showing the business savvy that can only be described as "Mexican", sensed he held all of the bargaining power, and made an egregiously one-sided offer to Terminator. Here is how it came to pass that the final 2 were never dealt a hand.
"Tell you what," said Mud, making it sound like he was making a concession to Terminator, "You give me my $21 entry fee back and we will call it even."
Terminator, who was excited to get home to be with his family, agreed.
The lesson is this: Mud and Terminator, shall, under NO circumstances, ever be allowed to run a business, together or seperately, or make any kind of investment without assistance.
The final order:
11. Rat
10. Da Prez
9. Tilt
8. That Guy
7. AC
6. Hit Man
5. Schemer
4. JT
3. Sloppy
2. Mud
1. Terminator
And the Oscar goes to Andrew, who "injured" his ankle playing basketball and limped around the rest of the day. What was interesting was that he forgot which ankle he hurt from time to time, leading to him limping on different and/or both legs. We'll put it down to the shock, kid.
And sincere Congrats to Terminator and Mrs. Terminator on the birth of A.L.!!
All the best to the family.
Good night, and good luck.
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Another Epic "V" Classic
"There's only one place I'd rather be- French Lick."- Larry Legend
The Legend would have been proud. The greatest basketball player of all time was praised over and over as the V Classic continued to be one of the premier invitation-only poker events to be played on December 31 near the prisons. Players came from far and wide- some from as far away as East Providence- to test their mettle on the world's most difficult stage.
"Thank you all for coming. There is bakery pizza and cocktails on the counter," said the host, as players began to filter to their seats. "Once you are eliminated, you must shoot 10 free throws, and the person who makes the most out of 10 will receive a shitty prize," added big V.
This tournament has a history of strange things happening, such as Florida Boy and JT being the final 2, going heads-up last year. JT won in 2006, but '07 would be a tougher road to hoe, as he arrived late and was already damaged by the blinds by the time he sat down. The strangeness continued this year. One of the favorites going into the event, the Veep, was eliminated on the very first hand by That Guy. His trip nines couldn't overcome That Guy's trip Queens. Even more strangely, AC and DaPrez didn't really go on tilt at all today, disappointing the rest of the players, who were hoping for F bombs and cards flying around.
But a lot of the usual things happened- True to form, Sloppy brought a sack of Burger King and a gigantic Tim Horton's Iced Coffee, which he promptly spilled all over the place.
"What an asshole," said the host, while scurrying for paper towels, "but don't quote me." OK, we won't.
The Blind structure (blinds went up every 23 minutes, in honor of MJ) caused many players to deviate from their normal play. Tight play was not rewarded, and agressiveness ruled the day. After an hour of play, 4 players were already eliminated. And that was just the beginning.
While this was going on, a side game developed in the basement, on a ping-pong table. This was exactly what the doctor ordered for the Veep, as he was sitting with his thumb up his ass for a couple of hours and needed to find a way to win back his entry fee. Dealing was a challenge on this table, and after several hands, they realized they could take down the net. This streamlined play significantly.
Back to the tournament- About 2 hours in, the final table was decided. Those left were Big V, Lou D, DaPrez, Terminator, Mud, 'Lil Bastard, Joe G, and That Guy. It was at this point that the biggest single event in the history of poker occurred.
Faced with a short stack, Mud went all in with K-10 offsuit. Terminator called with an Ace. Terminator caught 2 pair on the flop, while Mud caught a King. Terminator had 2 pair, Mud had a pair of Kings. Mud needed runner-runner to stay alive. The turn? a King. The River? a 10. Full boat. Mud stayed alive. Terminator should have been sitting pretty, but was outdrawn, even though he was a huge favorite at that point. Fortunately, he had a big enough chip stack to survive it. And this would not be the last time that these two gladiators would square off.
Players continued to fall. DaPrez bowed out in 4th place, which was in the money- sort of. He won $28, even though the entry fee was $33 for a net loss of $5. However, 3 of the 4 money spots were claimed by Club Sub members- another good showing.
'Lil Bastard got knocked out by Mud, who became the chip leader, with only he and Terminator left to go heads-up for all of the marbles.
It was then that things got interesting. Both players had had several beers, and lost track of the blinds and the dealer button. In an effort to clarify things, Joe G (who had polished off a double bottle of Yellow Tail cabernet sauvignon) jumped in to assist with the dealing and promptly fucked everything up even worse, as his lower lip was purple and was a distraction. He looked (and acted) like he had just drank a whole lot of the grape Kool-Aid at Jonestown. Fortunately for all involved, V and also Mrs V would periodically show up and inform us we were doing it all wrong, and then leave. Most helpful.
The players and the inebriated dealer were able to fight thru this adversity, and, on a few different occasions, nearly struck a deal to chop the final winnings. But Terminator put the kibash on that.
Chips went back and forth. Each player became chip leader after every hand. Back and forth, forth and back. Topsy or turvy, turvy or topsy. Finally, Mud pushed all in and Terminator called. Terminator's hand held up- and it was over.
"This is the greatest poker victory of all time," said an obviously elated Terminator. "For me to fight thru adversity like that and not choke- I'm very proud of me."
So is Larry Legend.
Box Score:
Starting on Hearts Table: Lou, Rat, That Guy, Terminator, Veep, AC, 'Lil Bastard, DV
Satrting on Spades Table: V, Mud, DaPrez, BC, Sloppy, Clapp, Joe G, JT.
Final Table: Mud, V, Terminator, DaPrez, That Guy, 'Lil Bastard, Joe G, Lou D.
Final Placement:
16th- Veep
15th- DV
14th- BC
13th- Sloppy
12th- Rat
11th- JT
10th- Clap
9th- AC
8th- Lou D
7th- Big V
6th- That Guy
5th- Joe G
4th- DaPrez ($)
3rd- 'Lil Bastard ($)
2nd- Mud ($)
1st- Terminator ($)
$- indicates a finish in the money.
Free throws- DV, 7 for 10.
The Legend would have been proud. The greatest basketball player of all time was praised over and over as the V Classic continued to be one of the premier invitation-only poker events to be played on December 31 near the prisons. Players came from far and wide- some from as far away as East Providence- to test their mettle on the world's most difficult stage.
"Thank you all for coming. There is bakery pizza and cocktails on the counter," said the host, as players began to filter to their seats. "Once you are eliminated, you must shoot 10 free throws, and the person who makes the most out of 10 will receive a shitty prize," added big V.
This tournament has a history of strange things happening, such as Florida Boy and JT being the final 2, going heads-up last year. JT won in 2006, but '07 would be a tougher road to hoe, as he arrived late and was already damaged by the blinds by the time he sat down. The strangeness continued this year. One of the favorites going into the event, the Veep, was eliminated on the very first hand by That Guy. His trip nines couldn't overcome That Guy's trip Queens. Even more strangely, AC and DaPrez didn't really go on tilt at all today, disappointing the rest of the players, who were hoping for F bombs and cards flying around.
But a lot of the usual things happened- True to form, Sloppy brought a sack of Burger King and a gigantic Tim Horton's Iced Coffee, which he promptly spilled all over the place.
"What an asshole," said the host, while scurrying for paper towels, "but don't quote me." OK, we won't.
The Blind structure (blinds went up every 23 minutes, in honor of MJ) caused many players to deviate from their normal play. Tight play was not rewarded, and agressiveness ruled the day. After an hour of play, 4 players were already eliminated. And that was just the beginning.
While this was going on, a side game developed in the basement, on a ping-pong table. This was exactly what the doctor ordered for the Veep, as he was sitting with his thumb up his ass for a couple of hours and needed to find a way to win back his entry fee. Dealing was a challenge on this table, and after several hands, they realized they could take down the net. This streamlined play significantly.
Back to the tournament- About 2 hours in, the final table was decided. Those left were Big V, Lou D, DaPrez, Terminator, Mud, 'Lil Bastard, Joe G, and That Guy. It was at this point that the biggest single event in the history of poker occurred.
Faced with a short stack, Mud went all in with K-10 offsuit. Terminator called with an Ace. Terminator caught 2 pair on the flop, while Mud caught a King. Terminator had 2 pair, Mud had a pair of Kings. Mud needed runner-runner to stay alive. The turn? a King. The River? a 10. Full boat. Mud stayed alive. Terminator should have been sitting pretty, but was outdrawn, even though he was a huge favorite at that point. Fortunately, he had a big enough chip stack to survive it. And this would not be the last time that these two gladiators would square off.
Players continued to fall. DaPrez bowed out in 4th place, which was in the money- sort of. He won $28, even though the entry fee was $33 for a net loss of $5. However, 3 of the 4 money spots were claimed by Club Sub members- another good showing.
'Lil Bastard got knocked out by Mud, who became the chip leader, with only he and Terminator left to go heads-up for all of the marbles.
It was then that things got interesting. Both players had had several beers, and lost track of the blinds and the dealer button. In an effort to clarify things, Joe G (who had polished off a double bottle of Yellow Tail cabernet sauvignon) jumped in to assist with the dealing and promptly fucked everything up even worse, as his lower lip was purple and was a distraction. He looked (and acted) like he had just drank a whole lot of the grape Kool-Aid at Jonestown. Fortunately for all involved, V and also Mrs V would periodically show up and inform us we were doing it all wrong, and then leave. Most helpful.
The players and the inebriated dealer were able to fight thru this adversity, and, on a few different occasions, nearly struck a deal to chop the final winnings. But Terminator put the kibash on that.
Chips went back and forth. Each player became chip leader after every hand. Back and forth, forth and back. Topsy or turvy, turvy or topsy. Finally, Mud pushed all in and Terminator called. Terminator's hand held up- and it was over.
"This is the greatest poker victory of all time," said an obviously elated Terminator. "For me to fight thru adversity like that and not choke- I'm very proud of me."
So is Larry Legend.
Box Score:
Starting on Hearts Table: Lou, Rat, That Guy, Terminator, Veep, AC, 'Lil Bastard, DV
Satrting on Spades Table: V, Mud, DaPrez, BC, Sloppy, Clapp, Joe G, JT.
Final Table: Mud, V, Terminator, DaPrez, That Guy, 'Lil Bastard, Joe G, Lou D.
Final Placement:
16th- Veep
15th- DV
14th- BC
13th- Sloppy
12th- Rat
11th- JT
10th- Clap
9th- AC
8th- Lou D
7th- Big V
6th- That Guy
5th- Joe G
4th- DaPrez ($)
3rd- 'Lil Bastard ($)
2nd- Mud ($)
1st- Terminator ($)
$- indicates a finish in the money.
Free throws- DV, 7 for 10.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Mud's Subjective FF Analysis
Well folks, the regular season has ended for the CS FF league,which means that for 8 of us, there is nothing left to live for. Well, rejoice fellow suckfest attendees! I'm here to provide my review and grades for each team in our league. Remember, this is completely subjective, and if y'all don't dig it, then go to Hell.
The Real Deal:
DaPrez, 11-3 (A)
Great season for DaPrez. Second in total points scored, and only 2 teams had more points scored against them. However, several key players may see bench time in the next 2 weeks, which does not bode well for the playoffs.
Points, points, points:
W Boys, 9-5 (B+)
An absolute offensive juggernaut. Overall points leader- set a single week record for points in week 9 against Team Mud. And more importantly, their key players are on teams that are playing the last 2 weeks for their playoff lives. They could be the last one standing when all is said and done.
One and done:
Destroyers, 8-6 (B)
This team is not built for the playoffs. Solid regular season, but bye-bye Destroyers. See you in August.
We were really pulling for you, pal:
Team Florida 8-6 (B)
Despite nearly drafting themselves into the cellar, Team Florida management did a great job throughout the season and was narrowly shoved out of the playoffs in a tiebreaker. I personally am happy for Team Florida management, who relentlessly got their cojones broke in the past 2 seasons. Way to send a message. You beat the snot out of Team Mud. Great job, G.
You have no business being in the playoffs. I think there is some "business' going on up in here:
The Convicts 10-4 (A+)
This team scored the sixth-fewest total points, yet somehow got a #2 seed. NO teams had fewer points scored against them. I think that since it's the Commish team, some rules may have been interpreted "loosely" to benefit them, which is why they get an A+ grade. Good work. Not only that, they limped in by not scoring more than 15 points in the last 3 weeks. Good luck in the playoffs, where you will face the highest-scoring team in the league. You are the Jets to the W's Pats this week. And you're a stinky, diarrhea-filled toilet. One love, homey.
The completely unremarkables:
The Schemers 7-7 (C+)
Had the best quarterback in the history of mankind, yet was completely and utterly mediocre. It would help to own a computer. Snatched defeat from the jaws of victory several times. But of course, a rookie in this league...Look for big things next year.
The Warriors 6-8 (D)
I don't have much to say. Won big in the final week when the season was already decided. Peaked a bit too late, I guess. And this guy is a coach. God help CF.
Hot Corner 7-7 (C-)
This one scored the second fewest points in the league and ended up .500. That's good work. Or good luck. Or something. Should have been 5-9. Watch out if he figures out how to score next season.
Fat Twins on Bikes 6-7-1 (D-)
Can't believe the Randy Moss trade. That alone gets you the D-. Wait until he finds out that he can't keep Stephen Jackson since he was kept last year (I don't know if there is a rule about this- I'm just trying to stir the pot).
Simply awful:
The Fighting Amish 4-10 (F+)
I just don't know what to say. Started out real strong via "automatic draft" but quickly fell into disrepair once he actually started managing the team. Next season, let the computers do the work for you.
Captain Morgan Men 4-10 (F)
Let's look at a stat for the defending champ:
Fewest points scored. 'Nuff said. Defense does not win FF leagues. Not only did he score the fewest points, but the team that scored the next fewest (our Amish friends) outscored him by nearly 10 points per week.
And finally...
Oh, cruel fate! Why do you mock me?
or
The "Woe is me" file
Team Mud 3-10-1 (F-)
This team was slapped around more than the woman who started to freak out in Airplane! Teams were drooling when they saw that they were playing Team Mud. I make no excuses, and gave myself the worst grade because i was the worst team. However, let's do some statistical analysis here.
#9 in total points scored (that's right, i outscored 3 teams)
#12 in total points scored against. The team that had the next highest points-against total had 199 fewer points scored against them, which means that teams scored 14 more points per week against me. That's like having an extra player.
#1 in rapes by Running Backs. Thanks Mr. Alexander. Next time, use lube.
My final note:
Good luck to all in the playoffs. As always, a very fun year. I look forward to next sesaon, and Merry Christmas to all of you and your families.
My new favorite web clip:
www.collegeslackers.com/video/597
Ding fries are done!
The Real Deal:
DaPrez, 11-3 (A)
Great season for DaPrez. Second in total points scored, and only 2 teams had more points scored against them. However, several key players may see bench time in the next 2 weeks, which does not bode well for the playoffs.
Points, points, points:
W Boys, 9-5 (B+)
An absolute offensive juggernaut. Overall points leader- set a single week record for points in week 9 against Team Mud. And more importantly, their key players are on teams that are playing the last 2 weeks for their playoff lives. They could be the last one standing when all is said and done.
One and done:
Destroyers, 8-6 (B)
This team is not built for the playoffs. Solid regular season, but bye-bye Destroyers. See you in August.
We were really pulling for you, pal:
Team Florida 8-6 (B)
Despite nearly drafting themselves into the cellar, Team Florida management did a great job throughout the season and was narrowly shoved out of the playoffs in a tiebreaker. I personally am happy for Team Florida management, who relentlessly got their cojones broke in the past 2 seasons. Way to send a message. You beat the snot out of Team Mud. Great job, G.
You have no business being in the playoffs. I think there is some "business' going on up in here:
The Convicts 10-4 (A+)
This team scored the sixth-fewest total points, yet somehow got a #2 seed. NO teams had fewer points scored against them. I think that since it's the Commish team, some rules may have been interpreted "loosely" to benefit them, which is why they get an A+ grade. Good work. Not only that, they limped in by not scoring more than 15 points in the last 3 weeks. Good luck in the playoffs, where you will face the highest-scoring team in the league. You are the Jets to the W's Pats this week. And you're a stinky, diarrhea-filled toilet. One love, homey.
The completely unremarkables:
The Schemers 7-7 (C+)
Had the best quarterback in the history of mankind, yet was completely and utterly mediocre. It would help to own a computer. Snatched defeat from the jaws of victory several times. But of course, a rookie in this league...Look for big things next year.
The Warriors 6-8 (D)
I don't have much to say. Won big in the final week when the season was already decided. Peaked a bit too late, I guess. And this guy is a coach. God help CF.
Hot Corner 7-7 (C-)
This one scored the second fewest points in the league and ended up .500. That's good work. Or good luck. Or something. Should have been 5-9. Watch out if he figures out how to score next season.
Fat Twins on Bikes 6-7-1 (D-)
Can't believe the Randy Moss trade. That alone gets you the D-. Wait until he finds out that he can't keep Stephen Jackson since he was kept last year (I don't know if there is a rule about this- I'm just trying to stir the pot).
Simply awful:
The Fighting Amish 4-10 (F+)
I just don't know what to say. Started out real strong via "automatic draft" but quickly fell into disrepair once he actually started managing the team. Next season, let the computers do the work for you.
Captain Morgan Men 4-10 (F)
Let's look at a stat for the defending champ:
Fewest points scored. 'Nuff said. Defense does not win FF leagues. Not only did he score the fewest points, but the team that scored the next fewest (our Amish friends) outscored him by nearly 10 points per week.
And finally...
Oh, cruel fate! Why do you mock me?
or
The "Woe is me" file
Team Mud 3-10-1 (F-)
This team was slapped around more than the woman who started to freak out in Airplane! Teams were drooling when they saw that they were playing Team Mud. I make no excuses, and gave myself the worst grade because i was the worst team. However, let's do some statistical analysis here.
#9 in total points scored (that's right, i outscored 3 teams)
#12 in total points scored against. The team that had the next highest points-against total had 199 fewer points scored against them, which means that teams scored 14 more points per week against me. That's like having an extra player.
#1 in rapes by Running Backs. Thanks Mr. Alexander. Next time, use lube.
My final note:
Good luck to all in the playoffs. As always, a very fun year. I look forward to next sesaon, and Merry Christmas to all of you and your families.
My new favorite web clip:
www.collegeslackers.com/video/597
Ding fries are done!
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Club Sub Member Profile of the Month: Big Sloppy
Editor's Note: The member profile of the month has slacked of late, but it's not entirely my fault. The latest marketing campaign that management has employed, called "Join Club Sub and We'll Do You in the Ass", hasn't been as successful as anticipated, and there aren't many new members to write about. But somehow, Big Sloppy fell through the cracks (no pun intended), so we're getting him on the record.
From the beginning of time, Man has ceaselessly pursued the art of perfection. From the advent of usable fire, to the invention of heavy weaponry, to the everyday use of technology that as recently as 20 years ago seemed unattainable. Despite these efforts, perfection has always seemed out of reach- a carrot no man could catch up to- though seemingly in our grasp, it has eluded Man to the point that it has driven some of the most genius of our species to the brink of insanity and beyond.
Which leads us to one man...A man who will not understand the previous paragraph..A man who single-handedly raised the value of Burger King stock $.37 cents per share during a 3-week span in August '06...A man who is criticized by the fellow members of his organization for a weak initiation ritual...A man who will be forever known for the "Dante Hall Incident"...A man who will simply be known to all as "Big Sloppy".
I sat down with this man to try to understand what makes him tick. What I found was unfathomable on so many levels that I had to change my pants twice.
CSB: Let's cut to the chase. I was not aware that "White Slavery" was even on the books as a crime anymore.
BS: Me neither. It's a [expletive] charge. Skankery is an art, and it's a shame that the Man feels a need to pull rank here. Don't hate the player, hate the...
CSB (interrupting): Yeah, yeah, whatever. We've all heard the line. Now let's talks about sacks of burgers...
BS: You got some?
CSB: No, we just want to talk about them. How many burgers usually per bag?
BS: It varies..Normally 2-3 if they are smaller burgers, but I'll usually do a couple Whoppers and an order of fries and the biggest iced coffee i can get my hands on. I was a Bess Eaton fan, but Tim Horton's isn't too bad. But I've been hitting up D&D lately.
CSB: Does it bother you that you are perceived as a degenerate gambler?
BS: I am?
CSB: Moving on...How has becoming a Club Sub member changed your life?
BS: It's afforded me influence that I couldn't imagine living without. Because of my membership, I have acheived greatness that I could only dream about. It's a fact that other players at poker tournaments will fold pots to me because they know who I roll with.
CSB: Is it true that your affiliation with Club Sub was responsible for your muscling in on the Woonsocket Co-Ed CYO softball organization?
BS: Those frogs never saw it coming. I ousted Roland with the "offer he couldn't refuse" trick. I told him that either his signature or the condiments from my Double Cheeseburger would end up on the paper. He signed it...Wouldn't you? There were pickles on it.
CSB: How many clipboards do you own?
BS: 17 at last count...But I'm always checking the Staples & Office Depot fliers in the Sunday paper for deals. You can never have enough.
CSB: Are you now settling down with one woman?
BS: C'mon now...You know I can't answer that.
CSB: But her family is a prominent sponsor of...
BS: NEXT [expletive] QUESTION, you FAT piece of [expletive].
CSB: Who is the most important member of your softball team?
BS: What the Hell kinda question is that? No one else is organized enough to run that show. You know damn well who it is.
CSB: So you are saying that it's you?
BS: Of course it's me. Who buys the loaded bat? Who pulls out the most obsure rules at the most opportune times? Who insists that we play at a field with a short porch so that we can hit copious amounts of home runs?
CSB: "Copious" equals 5?
BS: Admittedly it didn't work out last year. Terminator hit 3 in one game...Highlight of the season. But because of that bat we made it to the playoffs.
CSB: Actually, we made it to the play-in game, which we won...But we ended up facing the softball equivalent of the 1992 Duke basketball team and got killed.
BS: True, but it was a step in the right direction for us.
CSB: Are you at all concerned that Hitman, since he holds seniority and higher status in the Club Sub organization, will attempt to oust you as manager of the softball team?
BS: Bring it on. I'll do him in the ass.
CSB: Actually that marketing campaign has been pulled.
BS: Oh, really? I guess that makes sense.
CSB: Thanks for your time. This interview is over.
BS: OH YEAH???? WELL, THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER! (flips table, storms away)
CSB: I already said that.
BS: (walking away) OK, well give my best to the family then.
From the beginning of time, Man has ceaselessly pursued the art of perfection. From the advent of usable fire, to the invention of heavy weaponry, to the everyday use of technology that as recently as 20 years ago seemed unattainable. Despite these efforts, perfection has always seemed out of reach- a carrot no man could catch up to- though seemingly in our grasp, it has eluded Man to the point that it has driven some of the most genius of our species to the brink of insanity and beyond.
Which leads us to one man...A man who will not understand the previous paragraph..A man who single-handedly raised the value of Burger King stock $.37 cents per share during a 3-week span in August '06...A man who is criticized by the fellow members of his organization for a weak initiation ritual...A man who will be forever known for the "Dante Hall Incident"...A man who will simply be known to all as "Big Sloppy".
I sat down with this man to try to understand what makes him tick. What I found was unfathomable on so many levels that I had to change my pants twice.
CSB: Let's cut to the chase. I was not aware that "White Slavery" was even on the books as a crime anymore.
BS: Me neither. It's a [expletive] charge. Skankery is an art, and it's a shame that the Man feels a need to pull rank here. Don't hate the player, hate the...
CSB (interrupting): Yeah, yeah, whatever. We've all heard the line. Now let's talks about sacks of burgers...
BS: You got some?
CSB: No, we just want to talk about them. How many burgers usually per bag?
BS: It varies..Normally 2-3 if they are smaller burgers, but I'll usually do a couple Whoppers and an order of fries and the biggest iced coffee i can get my hands on. I was a Bess Eaton fan, but Tim Horton's isn't too bad. But I've been hitting up D&D lately.
CSB: Does it bother you that you are perceived as a degenerate gambler?
BS: I am?
CSB: Moving on...How has becoming a Club Sub member changed your life?
BS: It's afforded me influence that I couldn't imagine living without. Because of my membership, I have acheived greatness that I could only dream about. It's a fact that other players at poker tournaments will fold pots to me because they know who I roll with.
CSB: Is it true that your affiliation with Club Sub was responsible for your muscling in on the Woonsocket Co-Ed CYO softball organization?
BS: Those frogs never saw it coming. I ousted Roland with the "offer he couldn't refuse" trick. I told him that either his signature or the condiments from my Double Cheeseburger would end up on the paper. He signed it...Wouldn't you? There were pickles on it.
CSB: How many clipboards do you own?
BS: 17 at last count...But I'm always checking the Staples & Office Depot fliers in the Sunday paper for deals. You can never have enough.
CSB: Are you now settling down with one woman?
BS: C'mon now...You know I can't answer that.
CSB: But her family is a prominent sponsor of...
BS: NEXT [expletive] QUESTION, you FAT piece of [expletive].
CSB: Who is the most important member of your softball team?
BS: What the Hell kinda question is that? No one else is organized enough to run that show. You know damn well who it is.
CSB: So you are saying that it's you?
BS: Of course it's me. Who buys the loaded bat? Who pulls out the most obsure rules at the most opportune times? Who insists that we play at a field with a short porch so that we can hit copious amounts of home runs?
CSB: "Copious" equals 5?
BS: Admittedly it didn't work out last year. Terminator hit 3 in one game...Highlight of the season. But because of that bat we made it to the playoffs.
CSB: Actually, we made it to the play-in game, which we won...But we ended up facing the softball equivalent of the 1992 Duke basketball team and got killed.
BS: True, but it was a step in the right direction for us.
CSB: Are you at all concerned that Hitman, since he holds seniority and higher status in the Club Sub organization, will attempt to oust you as manager of the softball team?
BS: Bring it on. I'll do him in the ass.
CSB: Actually that marketing campaign has been pulled.
BS: Oh, really? I guess that makes sense.
CSB: Thanks for your time. This interview is over.
BS: OH YEAH???? WELL, THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER! (flips table, storms away)
CSB: I already said that.
BS: (walking away) OK, well give my best to the family then.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Club Sub leads Pats' Attack vs Cowboys, Pavement attacks Flanagan
Club Sub leads Pats Attack vs Cowboys, Pavement attacks Flanagan
(note this blog was delayed as the writer did not have full use of his hands until 4 pm today.)
- Best line of the trip: the anti Ward, Clap, with this line out of nowhere: After Osama told us we’d be paying 13$ extra for his cab due to 7 people in it, and after he then sped over a vicious Texas sized speed bump, Clap uttered the immortal: “now you can use the $13 bucks to fix your fucking muffler”
- Best eating display: Club Sub takes down 100 wings (minus 5 on the floor) at buffalo wild wings
- Most used lines:
- 1. “Down, and to the left” said numerous times at Dealey plaza.
- 2. “That’s ok, we know how you treat guests from the Northeast, we just left Dealey plaza” (Flanagan to numerous Texans)
- (side note - best comeback to #2: “he should have sped up the limo”
- 3. “Fuck the Cowboys”
- 4. “Fuck you hillbillies”
- 5. “How could he put Gagne in?”
- 6. “How many wings would Mud have eaten?”
- 7. “I’m tapping out” Fic announcing he’d be going to bed after a night of booze and poker, and after he was already sleeping for 2 hours on the couch.
- 8. “I have a confession to make, I used your toothbrush… again” Scheemer to yung Flanagan
- 9. “what color toothbrush should I buy that you won’t mistake? Flanagan to Scheemer
- 10. “Get a toy one like Winnie the pooh or something” Scheemer to Flanagan.
- 11. Good morning Crash: Dan V to Flanagan, day of departure.
- 1. “Down, and to the left” said numerous times at Dealey plaza.
- The “you spoke to soon award” to Big Sloppy: “I keep hearing about Fic and Flanagan and haven’t seen anything”
- The “ keep pushing even after you’re done award” to Fic for announcing that there was a chance we could have gotten private box tickets from his wifes cousin who is a big shot at 7 UP
- The 2nd best Clap quote award: “Fic let’s see if your cousin is working”-after the van passed a 7 Eleven
- Pregame notes: arriving before sunrise, Club sub was pumped from the start, with eats, drinks and football keeping all entertained. Locals began arriving, seemingly with their houses hitched to their ford chevy trucks. They take “this is our country” serious btw. Full screen tvs, Dish satellites, aquariums and lawnmowers (ok I made the last 2 up) were everywhere in the parking lot. Additionally there was a clear hatred toward the patriots, visible by the following:
- 1. The Tom Brady dummy hanging in effigy wearing a dress
- 2. the sign on the 1 port a potty in the parking lot (thanks jerry jones you big spender) that said: Patriots locker room
- 3. the signs hinting that belichek cheats, each one consistently misspelling belichek
- 1. The Tom Brady dummy hanging in effigy wearing a dress
- The game began with our national anthem, sung by a hillbilly. With the crowd at attention, quiet and respectful, Billy Ray Cyrus gave the typical pause after the OH Say can you see…which was filled by yung flanagan’s scream “T.O. SUCKS!” which did not go over well with the locals.
- The game was very exciting though marred by the halftime display in which
- It was at some point in the 2nd half after the Patriots pulled away that things turned heated, as the Hitman entered into a verbal match with one Cleetus A. Cleetus, who with one foot and a flight of stairs separating them, invited the Hitman into the parking lot for what one could only assume would have been then end of Cleetus’s life. Or the HitMan getting shot.
- It was also at this time that Flanagan finally came up with a retort for the hillbilly who was ringing the cowbell 5 rows in front of us. “For whom the bell tolls Hillbilly, it tolls for thee!” Surprisingly this did not go over well. It led to the Hitman admonishing Flanagan, not about the comment but for saying that Edgar Allen Poe wrote the book rather than Heminway. It then led to a cowboy fan taking umbrage at being called a hillbilly yet knowing that Edgar Allen Poe was from
We all left together, no fights, more celebrating, and that was the end of a great trip!
Oh alright already. Flanagan either started running in circles or was running a pass route, depending on who you listen too. What is incontrovertible is that he had no ability to walk, run, or run in circles. In the greatest case of cosmic justice since the Last Seinfeld episode, Flanagan, who was never touched by a cowboy fan, face planted in the pavement. In even more irony, he has to make 2 presentations this week and read at a wedding. In even more irony, all right fuck it I’m a dick.
After this incident and recovery, the morale of this tale has not been lost on Flanagan. For future trips he is absolutely positively going to buy a novelty toothbrush.
Great trip everyone! Hope to be re invited some year.
Report" DaPrez Used "banned techniques" in Club Sub Football Contests
CANTON, OH (Associated Press)- According to unnamed league sources, DaPrez used "banned techniques" this season in at least one contest. Further elaboration was not provided.
This latest charge of impropreity levied against DaPrez comes just a week after he was suspended from his local men's basketball team for buggery. Charges are pending in that incident which involved an ox, a summer squash, and a pepperoni and cheese calzone (without tomato sauce).
While the actual actions have not been identified, unnamed league sources indicate that he "has acheived significant success while employing the use of banned techniques". The source went on to say that this [expletive] has been cheating. The extent is which is not known at this time. An investigation is pending."
"He was spying on other coaches," adds The Rat, from his hospital bed. "The bastard sent me flowers, and I found a small camera in it. It's no shock really, when you consider that I put up a million points last week and he put up a million and one to beat me. He HAD to have been cheating."
"It was more than flowers," adds That Guy. "The Club Sub logo on the official mugs is actually a device that allows him to spy on us and brainwash us. Fortunately, I was de-programmed by Michael Jackson while in Intercourse, Pennsylvania. Shamon! Hee, hee, hee. OOOOOOOHHHHHH" singing "I want to love you PYT Pretty Young Thing..."
The Commisioner's Office, in statement, did indicate that further comment would noty be forthcoming, although the League Office did comment on a possible steroid issue involving Team Florida.
"The Commissioner has no comment on alleged impropreity on the part of Club Sub members. However, we will comment on non-members, and the juicer will pay. The League Office at this time is proud to announce that Team Florida has been suspended from postseason play, although this sanction does appear to be unnecessary. That said, we can only deal with one scandal per week, and the juice issue is top priority right now. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go and give oral sex to DaPrez, er i mean, 'I have a meeting'- Hitman."
"No [expletive] comment," said DaPrez, reached at his vacation home, curiously called "The Brown House". "I said I have no [expletive] comment for any of you [expletive]. You can [expletive] your [ expletive] with a [expletive] [expletive] on your [expletive] Uncle's birthday and [expletive] a calzone [expletive] with his [expletive] LaDanian Tomlinson [expletive] solar plexus."
Monday, August 27, 2007
Thursday, August 23, 2007
President and First Lady Proudly Welcome Baby Girl; Toddler whups Jenna Bush in Spelling Bee at 11 hours old
AP- After convincingly beating Jenna Bush in the Spelling Bee portion of a special "Prez v. Prez Family Contest Day", The First Daughter immediately called for the removal of US Troops from Iraq and criticized the Bush administration for its handling of the Karl Rove-Valerie Plame-Scooter Libby scandal. The 11-hour-old caused quite a stir with her comments, which ended when doctors took her away to cut the cord. DaPrez reports that mom, dad, and baby are doing well.
The First Parents are thrilled with this turn of events, which came on the heels of a special congratulatory letter from Rhode Island College president John Nazarian, in which Nazarian has issued "special acceptance" to the First Daughter as part of RIC's class of 2026.
Potential Brady-DaPrez link?
The well-wishes are pouring in. Published reports indicate that Patriots QB Tom Brady was so enamored with the concept of his son-to-be sharing a birthday with the First Daughter that he forced former girlfriend Bridget Moynahan to give birth a few days early. Brady sent his best wishes to DaPrez, along with an 8x10 color photo of he and current girlfriend Giselle having sex and a check for $62.15.
The First Parents are thrilled with this turn of events, which came on the heels of a special congratulatory letter from Rhode Island College president John Nazarian, in which Nazarian has issued "special acceptance" to the First Daughter as part of RIC's class of 2026.
Potential Brady-DaPrez link?
The well-wishes are pouring in. Published reports indicate that Patriots QB Tom Brady was so enamored with the concept of his son-to-be sharing a birthday with the First Daughter that he forced former girlfriend Bridget Moynahan to give birth a few days early. Brady sent his best wishes to DaPrez, along with an 8x10 color photo of he and current girlfriend Giselle having sex and a check for $62.15.
Other ClubSub Presidential news
While resting comfortbaly after his ordeal (mother and daughter are doing well and were extremely supportive of DaPrez while he did all of the hard work and cheered them on), DaPrez issued several decrees, as part of his usual weekly "Time to make new rules!" segment. They are:
- No more "Stripper Pole" jokes at ClubSub-sanctioned events
- The price of milk should be lowered to $2.49/gallon
- Tits to Win!
- A special condemnation of Michael Vick's actions. However, Ron Mexico's #7 jersey has been retired. Conveniently, this jersey number is the same as The Rat, who had his leg ripped from his body last week, but was still far and away the funniest SOB at the ClubSub FF draft (more to come on this). We're retiring #7 for everybody.
- Sunday is "Beer, Football, & Softball Day".
Editor's Note: All kidding aside- sincere congrats go out to DaPrez and First Lady on the birth of The First Daughter. Big Props to all of you from your ClubSub family (and presumably from your real families, but they did not immediately respond to voice mails. But I would guess that they would congratulate you as well).
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Profile of the Month....Cloooooot!!!!!
Clout has led the prototypical North Prov life:no ostensible job other than coaching for the town, yet he leads what appears to be a very comfortable existence and drives a car with
- Clout as the only red headed family in the history of
- Cout what did you learn from all those years selling baseball cards at the K of C Veterans Halls? First of all those things are a babefest, Bunch of soccer moms with their kids. Boo Ya! I also learned the art of slight of hand substitution. Those kids never new what hit them until they got home. Ever wonder why I never appeared at the same hall twice?
- Wow, Clout we’re learning more than we could ever imagine, and that’s really saying something. Next Question was emailed in from one How.di.doo.dee@richie.cunningham.com It says: Clout respond to the allegations that you are not a natural redhead, and that indeed cuffs and collar don’t match. “My friends are always busting me, good one guys”
- Clout we could do this for hours but I’m sure you have to get to work. Speaking of which, could you remind us what is it again you’ve done for the last quarter century? Basically I live the good life man, I play baseball every weekend on an over 35.7 team, I coach youth teams, I referee, I can be found in my free time training zoo animals to cry on command (good for fundraisers). I also stand to inherit the cloutier fortune of over $10M dollars.
- What the F? where did the cloutier fortune come from? Sorry gotta go, c ya and I wouldn’t want to be ya. Working class Sucker!
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
RIP-The Big Orange
June 2007
The end of a Club Sub Era is upon us. The Club Sub favorite watering hole has closed filing chapter 7 which apparently is worst than the chapter 11 it filed years ago. Club Sub for years raped and pillaged this establishment so bad it would make the Huns blush. Many memebers have fond memories of the Big Orange. I myself can recall several fond memories/incidents such as:
1) The Hitman stealthly stealing Leslie Neilson's picture off the wall, that pic is now the award for the "Club Sub Poker Tourney" and is currently held by and proudly displayed at Fic's house.
2) Who could forget the beginning of Trivia night: 3 different cards played...1st, 2nd, & 3rd prize won week after week. Yes, we were in Cahoots with "Newman", yes we did get enough winnings for a drunken trip to Montreal, and yes several rule changes were soon to come.
3) The Alleged arson in the bathroom...Alleged.
4) The weekly grafitti left by Frank White in the bathroom...The Scheemer did what to Tina?
5) Several school holiday meetings
6) Several classic sporting events were watched there
7) Bikini Contests
8) Turkey Bowling
9) Spank Bank Memories for years
10) Frank White developed and perfected the "go to the Tape" move
11) Hitman's Dad taught us how a real man eats a wing
12) Scheemer developed and perfected the "Stalker's Ogle"
13) Ward's talked away more girl's than wings eaten by members.
14) Scheemer yelling, "PAULA!!!!!!!!!"
15) a girl named JADE
16) the cast of characters...Torre, Leslie, crooked face, etc.
Memebers please feel free to post your memories and pour out a little for the Big Orange
The end of a Club Sub Era is upon us. The Club Sub favorite watering hole has closed filing chapter 7 which apparently is worst than the chapter 11 it filed years ago. Club Sub for years raped and pillaged this establishment so bad it would make the Huns blush. Many memebers have fond memories of the Big Orange. I myself can recall several fond memories/incidents such as:
1) The Hitman stealthly stealing Leslie Neilson's picture off the wall, that pic is now the award for the "Club Sub Poker Tourney" and is currently held by and proudly displayed at Fic's house.
2) Who could forget the beginning of Trivia night: 3 different cards played...1st, 2nd, & 3rd prize won week after week. Yes, we were in Cahoots with "Newman", yes we did get enough winnings for a drunken trip to Montreal, and yes several rule changes were soon to come.
3) The Alleged arson in the bathroom...Alleged.
4) The weekly grafitti left by Frank White in the bathroom...The Scheemer did what to Tina?
5) Several school holiday meetings
6) Several classic sporting events were watched there
7) Bikini Contests
8) Turkey Bowling
9) Spank Bank Memories for years
10) Frank White developed and perfected the "go to the Tape" move
11) Hitman's Dad taught us how a real man eats a wing
12) Scheemer developed and perfected the "Stalker's Ogle"
13) Ward's talked away more girl's than wings eaten by members.
14) Scheemer yelling, "PAULA!!!!!!!!!"
15) a girl named JADE
16) the cast of characters...Torre, Leslie, crooked face, etc.
Memebers please feel free to post your memories and pour out a little for the Big Orange
Monday, June 04, 2007
Club Sub Member Profile for June, MUD
Filling in for Mr. Mud, who knows he cannot gloss himself, this article submitted by the incredibly talented and fetching human highlight with a keyboard, you guessed it TILT.
In the way of the tragic highway accident, or Lindsay Lohan’s career, Mud has lived a compelling if not quite fascinating existence to this point. Born in the heart of North Providence (not Fatima hospital, he was birthed by a midwife in the basement of the house of Moi) Mud was a bouncing baby boy who showed early promise. By the age of 5 months, he could walk, read, and nail older brother Jim with a slap shot in front of the house from 60 feet.
Mud continued his prodigy by winning the Scripps national spelling bee while in the 2nd grade, for which he received a copy of Webster’s unabridged dictionary, and an afternoon on the set of television’s One Day at a Time, where he was French kissed by Valerie Bertinelli, AND that, 70’s porn start looking, dude who played Schneider. Mud’s burning star status was about to burn out though, because while on set, he stole the pack of cigarettes rolled in Schneider’s t-shirt sleeve, and began a habit that would haunt him for years not to mention ruining the career of what could have been one of our generations finest actors (we miss you Pat Harrington Jr.).
Mud’s accomplishments since this illustrious period, have as they say, paled in comparison, although there have been a few. In 1992, he made the FBI’s most wanted list (#37) for producing over 23,000 phony identifications at Rhode Island College. In 1994, he placed 2nd in a competitive eating contest (beef tongue), and on January 1, 2000, he was voted to Charmin’s all-decade shitting team, for producing the largest, loosest, and most original color turd on day 11 of the contest. Oddly enough, heading into the contest, he had been fasting for weeks.
I ran across this enigma of a man at the opening of Hairspray, at the Providence Performing Arts Center, where he was performing fluffer duties, and what follows is our conversation.
CS: Mister Mud, How goes it?
Mud: mmfblumfphblmphsptewwey! Fine.
CS: Would you tell us, sir, how has being a member of Club Sub influenced your life?
Mud: Well, in the early years, I found the camaraderie, and fellowship to be truly engaging, that and the deals on BMT’s. But as I have grown older, and more experienced, I realized I had no socially desirable qualities to offer the real world, but since I can randomly quote many movies, and lose $50.00 once in a while at Conca’s, I fit right in with this collection of lifeless compadres.
CS: Would you care to comment on the state of America in 2007?
Mud: Gas prices are ridiculous, homes are being foreclosed upon, the greenhouse effect is ripping holes in the ozone layer, and I really don’t care, but when we start to ban trans-fats, that’s going a bit too far, I mean really Why!! Why!!!
CS: How about the war in Iraq?
Mud: Forget about that, I’m too depressed, ever since my mistress, Anna Nicole Smith, passed away, I find myself unable to feel empathy towards the troops, little kids in Ethiopia, or the Ward twins.
CS: Mud, it’s okay, I’m here for you.
Mud: Fuck Off!
CS: You’ve successfully completed a stop smoking campaign, how did you do it?
Mud: At first it was difficult, I craved the nicotine, but I was able to distract myself with constant masturbation. I mean I spanked the little sucker everywhere, in the car, at my desk, while riding the elevator at the hospital when I was going to visit my grandfather, when…
CS: enough, we get the picture.
CS: That is a lovely sweater, who would you say has influenced you style-wise?
Mud: Well Helmut Lang, obviously, I’ve always thought Paul Newman looked classy, and of course Clarence Broadus Jr., better known as SNOOP D-O-Double G, especially the outfits he wore in Starsky & Hutch.
CS: Mud, you are on death row, what are you ordering for your last meal?
Mud: I’ve often asked myself this same question, and I would have to say cucumber sandwiches, mandarin orange slices, and a delicate lemon sorbet.
CS: What’s your philosophy of life?
Mud: I’ve always tried to live my life by one simple rule: A man has 2 things in this world, his balls and his word, and he shouldn’t break them for nobody. Isn’t that three things?
CS: Speaking of balls?
Mud: (ripping off the mic) fuckoff, you people are all the same, every fuckin’ time, its balls, balls, balls, just once I would like to do a fuckin’ interview without you probing my balls.
CS: thank you for your time.
In the way of the tragic highway accident, or Lindsay Lohan’s career, Mud has lived a compelling if not quite fascinating existence to this point. Born in the heart of North Providence (not Fatima hospital, he was birthed by a midwife in the basement of the house of Moi) Mud was a bouncing baby boy who showed early promise. By the age of 5 months, he could walk, read, and nail older brother Jim with a slap shot in front of the house from 60 feet.
Mud continued his prodigy by winning the Scripps national spelling bee while in the 2nd grade, for which he received a copy of Webster’s unabridged dictionary, and an afternoon on the set of television’s One Day at a Time, where he was French kissed by Valerie Bertinelli, AND that, 70’s porn start looking, dude who played Schneider. Mud’s burning star status was about to burn out though, because while on set, he stole the pack of cigarettes rolled in Schneider’s t-shirt sleeve, and began a habit that would haunt him for years not to mention ruining the career of what could have been one of our generations finest actors (we miss you Pat Harrington Jr.).
Mud’s accomplishments since this illustrious period, have as they say, paled in comparison, although there have been a few. In 1992, he made the FBI’s most wanted list (#37) for producing over 23,000 phony identifications at Rhode Island College. In 1994, he placed 2nd in a competitive eating contest (beef tongue), and on January 1, 2000, he was voted to Charmin’s all-decade shitting team, for producing the largest, loosest, and most original color turd on day 11 of the contest. Oddly enough, heading into the contest, he had been fasting for weeks.
I ran across this enigma of a man at the opening of Hairspray, at the Providence Performing Arts Center, where he was performing fluffer duties, and what follows is our conversation.
CS: Mister Mud, How goes it?
Mud: mmfblumfphblmphsptewwey! Fine.
CS: Would you tell us, sir, how has being a member of Club Sub influenced your life?
Mud: Well, in the early years, I found the camaraderie, and fellowship to be truly engaging, that and the deals on BMT’s. But as I have grown older, and more experienced, I realized I had no socially desirable qualities to offer the real world, but since I can randomly quote many movies, and lose $50.00 once in a while at Conca’s, I fit right in with this collection of lifeless compadres.
CS: Would you care to comment on the state of America in 2007?
Mud: Gas prices are ridiculous, homes are being foreclosed upon, the greenhouse effect is ripping holes in the ozone layer, and I really don’t care, but when we start to ban trans-fats, that’s going a bit too far, I mean really Why!! Why!!!
CS: How about the war in Iraq?
Mud: Forget about that, I’m too depressed, ever since my mistress, Anna Nicole Smith, passed away, I find myself unable to feel empathy towards the troops, little kids in Ethiopia, or the Ward twins.
CS: Mud, it’s okay, I’m here for you.
Mud: Fuck Off!
CS: You’ve successfully completed a stop smoking campaign, how did you do it?
Mud: At first it was difficult, I craved the nicotine, but I was able to distract myself with constant masturbation. I mean I spanked the little sucker everywhere, in the car, at my desk, while riding the elevator at the hospital when I was going to visit my grandfather, when…
CS: enough, we get the picture.
CS: That is a lovely sweater, who would you say has influenced you style-wise?
Mud: Well Helmut Lang, obviously, I’ve always thought Paul Newman looked classy, and of course Clarence Broadus Jr., better known as SNOOP D-O-Double G, especially the outfits he wore in Starsky & Hutch.
CS: Mud, you are on death row, what are you ordering for your last meal?
Mud: I’ve often asked myself this same question, and I would have to say cucumber sandwiches, mandarin orange slices, and a delicate lemon sorbet.
CS: What’s your philosophy of life?
Mud: I’ve always tried to live my life by one simple rule: A man has 2 things in this world, his balls and his word, and he shouldn’t break them for nobody. Isn’t that three things?
CS: Speaking of balls?
Mud: (ripping off the mic) fuckoff, you people are all the same, every fuckin’ time, its balls, balls, balls, just once I would like to do a fuckin’ interview without you probing my balls.
CS: thank you for your time.
Friday, May 18, 2007
Mud's May Member Profile- Tilt
Good day, fellow Club Subbers...And let me just start by saying that I have offically wrestled control of this blog away from DaPrez... Ahem, what I mean to say that I have posting access now. Therefore, there will be no more typoes and/or formatting errors, incorrect grammar, or any of that type of shit that DaPrez is famous for. However, if you come across a typo, kindly blow it out your ass, 'cuz I really don't give a fuck.
Onward and upward!
This month, we take a look at one of our more enduring members, Mr. Tilt himself, our Secretary of Energy. His induction, one of the more creative & imaginative efforts put forth by the Club Sub Executive Board, involved himself and one other member (Fic) disrupting a large class at a insitute of higher learning that will remain nameless, while the Executive Board sat in the back of the auditorium and drank beer. It was truly a turning point in the Club Sub world, as inductions completed their inevitable shift from petty larceny to general social misbehavior in an attempt to foment a movement- a movement towards the discreditation of institutes of formal learning (primarily college)....Fucking ironic, when half of the members of the organization are teachers. The induction was also the apex of creativity expressed by the Board, as inductions since have become mundane and boring, as evidenced by the most recent induction (Big Sloppy) -He took a leak in a toilet in a coach bus. Wow....
But I digress.
Tilt, as he is known, comes from a logging family in northeastern Washington State. At the age of 11, he decided that logging was not for him, after he fell 25 feet from a pine tree and suffered severe lacerations to the head, neck, arms, legs, and scrotum. He ran away from home, eventually ending up working as a janitor in a brothel in Thailand. He worked long hours in decidely disgusting conditions, but was so enamored by the "benefits" of this job, he stayed until he was 16, when he was adopted by the first entirely lesbian kibbutz ever established in the United States. It was here that he evolved into the man he is today- a devoted father and family man, and quick-witted chap with a love for the Yankees.
How does living in a lesbian commune make someone a devoted family man? God only knows. But as this interview will show, there are lot of things about our man that don't make sense.
Thus begins the interview.
CSB (Club Sub Blog): What has been the greatest influence in your life?
TT (Tilt): First I'd like to thank God for his gifts that have been bestowed on me. By far, my biggest influence has been the music of the B-52s. While in the kibbutz, that music was on all day every day, and I really became enamored with their pop and counterculture sensibilities. Fred Schneider's energy is truly infectious.
CSB: Umm...okay...Why did you develop such a love for the Yankees?
TT: I secretly wish I was Italian.
CSB: Umm...okay...Are you proud of the fact that you are basically turning your son into a well-educated butler in the mold of Geoffrey from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air?
TT: I'm sure it seems odd (laughs)..But I have my reasons.
CSB: What are they?
TT: Well, i want him to have a trade skill as a backup. I became a teacher, but in the event that I had to, I could have esaily found work as a janitor. I'ts about being prepared for contingency.
CSB: You have a well-documented love for cooking. What's your favorite meal to make?
TT: I don't mean to brag, but I have been praised for my ability to make all kinds of different toast. Most of the time I do basic white bread, but sometimes I'll mix it up- marble rye, wheat, you name it. People come from all over just to sample my toast. I even offer different types of spreads, including a homemade Marmalade that I make.
CSB: It IS damn fine toast. The marmalade is especially delicious..Has a nice nutty flavor to it.
TT: Thank you. I want to be known as the guy who can solve all of your toast problems. I'm in the process of developing a device which will keep all of the small toast particles from getting lodged in the stick of butter.
CSB: A true renaissance man...
TT: Well, living in an alternative-lifestyle commune will broaden your horizons a bit.
CSB: When you fell from the tree at age 11, you were badly injured, yet you don't seem to bear any scars.
TT: I underwent extensive plastic surgery. The technology is astounding. The only scar that is really still an issue is the one on the back of my balls. Really burns when I make the Orange Marmalade. Citric acid, I guess.
CSB: Why would your nuts burn when you make Orange....Oh, my God...Ugh ![vomits]
TT: Hee hee hee.
CSB: Whoa, that wasn't cool. Ahem...What would you like your legacy to be?
TT: [Singing, to the tune of Sammy Davis Jr.'s "The Candyman"
Who can take your bread slice,
Heat it 'til it's brown,
The toast man can, cause he wipes it on his balls,
The toastman can!
CSB: Sweet Jesus!
TT: Lick my balls! Oh, wait- you already did. hee hee hee...
CSB: Oh my Holy God...
Onward and upward!
This month, we take a look at one of our more enduring members, Mr. Tilt himself, our Secretary of Energy. His induction, one of the more creative & imaginative efforts put forth by the Club Sub Executive Board, involved himself and one other member (Fic) disrupting a large class at a insitute of higher learning that will remain nameless, while the Executive Board sat in the back of the auditorium and drank beer. It was truly a turning point in the Club Sub world, as inductions completed their inevitable shift from petty larceny to general social misbehavior in an attempt to foment a movement- a movement towards the discreditation of institutes of formal learning (primarily college)....Fucking ironic, when half of the members of the organization are teachers. The induction was also the apex of creativity expressed by the Board, as inductions since have become mundane and boring, as evidenced by the most recent induction (Big Sloppy) -He took a leak in a toilet in a coach bus. Wow....
But I digress.
Tilt, as he is known, comes from a logging family in northeastern Washington State. At the age of 11, he decided that logging was not for him, after he fell 25 feet from a pine tree and suffered severe lacerations to the head, neck, arms, legs, and scrotum. He ran away from home, eventually ending up working as a janitor in a brothel in Thailand. He worked long hours in decidely disgusting conditions, but was so enamored by the "benefits" of this job, he stayed until he was 16, when he was adopted by the first entirely lesbian kibbutz ever established in the United States. It was here that he evolved into the man he is today- a devoted father and family man, and quick-witted chap with a love for the Yankees.
How does living in a lesbian commune make someone a devoted family man? God only knows. But as this interview will show, there are lot of things about our man that don't make sense.
Thus begins the interview.
CSB (Club Sub Blog): What has been the greatest influence in your life?
TT (Tilt): First I'd like to thank God for his gifts that have been bestowed on me. By far, my biggest influence has been the music of the B-52s. While in the kibbutz, that music was on all day every day, and I really became enamored with their pop and counterculture sensibilities. Fred Schneider's energy is truly infectious.
CSB: Umm...okay...Why did you develop such a love for the Yankees?
TT: I secretly wish I was Italian.
CSB: Umm...okay...Are you proud of the fact that you are basically turning your son into a well-educated butler in the mold of Geoffrey from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air?
TT: I'm sure it seems odd (laughs)..But I have my reasons.
CSB: What are they?
TT: Well, i want him to have a trade skill as a backup. I became a teacher, but in the event that I had to, I could have esaily found work as a janitor. I'ts about being prepared for contingency.
CSB: You have a well-documented love for cooking. What's your favorite meal to make?
TT: I don't mean to brag, but I have been praised for my ability to make all kinds of different toast. Most of the time I do basic white bread, but sometimes I'll mix it up- marble rye, wheat, you name it. People come from all over just to sample my toast. I even offer different types of spreads, including a homemade Marmalade that I make.
CSB: It IS damn fine toast. The marmalade is especially delicious..Has a nice nutty flavor to it.
TT: Thank you. I want to be known as the guy who can solve all of your toast problems. I'm in the process of developing a device which will keep all of the small toast particles from getting lodged in the stick of butter.
CSB: A true renaissance man...
TT: Well, living in an alternative-lifestyle commune will broaden your horizons a bit.
CSB: When you fell from the tree at age 11, you were badly injured, yet you don't seem to bear any scars.
TT: I underwent extensive plastic surgery. The technology is astounding. The only scar that is really still an issue is the one on the back of my balls. Really burns when I make the Orange Marmalade. Citric acid, I guess.
CSB: Why would your nuts burn when you make Orange....Oh, my God...Ugh ![vomits]
TT: Hee hee hee.
CSB: Whoa, that wasn't cool. Ahem...What would you like your legacy to be?
TT: [Singing, to the tune of Sammy Davis Jr.'s "The Candyman"
Who can take your bread slice,
Heat it 'til it's brown,
The toast man can, cause he wipes it on his balls,
The toastman can!
CSB: Sweet Jesus!
TT: Lick my balls! Oh, wait- you already did. hee hee hee...
CSB: Oh my Holy God...
Monday, March 12, 2007
Club Sub Summer Trip is Cancelled due to New Law
New Mexico outlawed cockfighting on Monday in a victory for animal welfare groups, leaving Louisiana as the last state in the country where the controversial practice is legal.
"I am proud that New Mexico will now move beyond cockfighting and join the 48 states that have already banned this outdated practice," said Gov. Bill Richardson after signing the bill.
Cockfighting involves roosters with razors tied to their claws battling often to the death with spectators placing bets on the outcome of each contest.
Supporters argued cockfighting was an Hispanic tradition and that any ban would push it underground. Opponents said it was a clear-cut case of animal cruelty and that it encouraged illegal gambling.
The ban had the support of the influential New Mexico Conference of Catholic Bishops, which represents 600,000 New Mexicans.
"At this time we have to speak out because of our children," said Allen Sanchez, spokesman for the Conference of Catholic Bishops. "The church clearly defines that cruelty to animals is wrong."
Opponents of the ban, which goes into effect on July 1, called it a blow to Hispanic culture.
"We have a right to have game birds. It's part of our culture," said farmer David Lopez. "The law is just going to push cockfighting underground like it did for dog fighting."
The bill prohibits cockfighting in the 20 New Mexico counties where it wasn't already illegal.
State Sen. Phil Griego, a Democrat who opposed the ban, called it a "slippery slope."
"What's next? A ban on rodeos? Then hunting and fishing? Jesus never said cockfighting was a sin," he said during a hearing on the legislation.
"I am proud that New Mexico will now move beyond cockfighting and join the 48 states that have already banned this outdated practice," said Gov. Bill Richardson after signing the bill.
Cockfighting involves roosters with razors tied to their claws battling often to the death with spectators placing bets on the outcome of each contest.
Supporters argued cockfighting was an Hispanic tradition and that any ban would push it underground. Opponents said it was a clear-cut case of animal cruelty and that it encouraged illegal gambling.
The ban had the support of the influential New Mexico Conference of Catholic Bishops, which represents 600,000 New Mexicans.
"At this time we have to speak out because of our children," said Allen Sanchez, spokesman for the Conference of Catholic Bishops. "The church clearly defines that cruelty to animals is wrong."
Opponents of the ban, which goes into effect on July 1, called it a blow to Hispanic culture.
"We have a right to have game birds. It's part of our culture," said farmer David Lopez. "The law is just going to push cockfighting underground like it did for dog fighting."
The bill prohibits cockfighting in the 20 New Mexico counties where it wasn't already illegal.
State Sen. Phil Griego, a Democrat who opposed the ban, called it a "slippery slope."
"What's next? A ban on rodeos? Then hunting and fishing? Jesus never said cockfighting was a sin," he said during a hearing on the legislation.
Mud's March Member Spotlight
This month, we're taking a closer look at the life and times of a special member of Club Sub.
On December 25th, 1971, the proud parents (Jim and Joan) looked at their new bundle of joy, this "Happy Accident", this Christmas Miracle that could only have happened when the stars aligned properly and Oysters had been on sale at Almacs in March of that same year.
What joy, what exhiliration, what.....DISAPPOINTMENT. Jim had to sell his Glenn-Miller custom Harley. Joan had to deal with raising and feeding a new baby while dealing with the teenage malaise of another child that would end up being a freelance nuclear physicist.....And these United States, which were mired in an unpopular war overseas and an even more unpopular scandal taking seed in the White House-would never be the same.
As time wore on, Jim and Joan began to realize that their new son, the fruit of their aging loins, was very special. He was far more advanced intellectually than the other boys he hung around with (Fic, The Rat, That Guy, Daddy, Mud), which, although not earth-shattering, did not deter from the pride he instilled in Jim and Joan.
While not athletically gifted (his movements were awkward), no one could do more with what he had to work with, and he developed into an above-average athlete, excelling in baseball, basketball, and Wiffle ball (He holds the record for most home runs in one game at the Ward Memorial Stadium). However, despite his intellect and athelticism, he was plagued by an awkwardness that was difficult to overcome. This scourge took root in our boy and, despite the efforts of his friends, he simply could not shake it. His inevitable downward spiral had begun- a vast whirlpool, with one destination- being the Student Manager on a high school baseball team. His friends grew increasingly concerned. And then there were the ladies... Many, many ladies, coming and going like pages in a Day Planner, each resulting in a box checked off, and, like the events in said calendar, fading over the years until all he could remember were scant details- a familiar scent, or a birthmark, or lime-green jelly shoes and extra-long oversized sweatshirts, or a gigantic loose white belt and big Aqua Net hair. Something had to give. Friends initially thought that there would be a loud snap, and he would start collecting swords and wearing trenchcoats and visiting gun collectors and creating web sites geared towards people of mixed race.
But something strange happened. It came to pass thoughout his tumultuous High School years that he would come under the influence of the man we now call DaPrez, and his life's destination veered sharply, charting a new course toward confidence, self-esteem, heavy drinking, urinary problems, premature balding. A new spring in his step, a newly-discovered sharp tongue, a fearlessness that was taking hold in him like the fiery breath of Lucifer himself (later discovered to be a halitosis problem which was fixed by more frequest brushing and flossing). In the face of a certain future of becoming a hopeless geek, he went the opposite way- a geek, yes. But a geek with Hope, a geek with Dreams, a geek with a Destiny. There was no holding him back now. Driven by his inexhaustable power lust, he gave up basketball to pursue his dream- to become a trusted advisor in a semi-fictional organization. This new journey that our man embarked on has culmianted, now, at age 35, in his becoming the most feared war-time member of a Cabinet that is the most powerful in the world. His name? The Schemer. Our Secretary of State. A proud member of Club Sub's "Big Four".
And now you know....the REST of the story.
On December 25th, 1971, the proud parents (Jim and Joan) looked at their new bundle of joy, this "Happy Accident", this Christmas Miracle that could only have happened when the stars aligned properly and Oysters had been on sale at Almacs in March of that same year.
What joy, what exhiliration, what.....DISAPPOINTMENT. Jim had to sell his Glenn-Miller custom Harley. Joan had to deal with raising and feeding a new baby while dealing with the teenage malaise of another child that would end up being a freelance nuclear physicist.....And these United States, which were mired in an unpopular war overseas and an even more unpopular scandal taking seed in the White House-would never be the same.
As time wore on, Jim and Joan began to realize that their new son, the fruit of their aging loins, was very special. He was far more advanced intellectually than the other boys he hung around with (Fic, The Rat, That Guy, Daddy, Mud), which, although not earth-shattering, did not deter from the pride he instilled in Jim and Joan.
While not athletically gifted (his movements were awkward), no one could do more with what he had to work with, and he developed into an above-average athlete, excelling in baseball, basketball, and Wiffle ball (He holds the record for most home runs in one game at the Ward Memorial Stadium). However, despite his intellect and athelticism, he was plagued by an awkwardness that was difficult to overcome. This scourge took root in our boy and, despite the efforts of his friends, he simply could not shake it. His inevitable downward spiral had begun- a vast whirlpool, with one destination- being the Student Manager on a high school baseball team. His friends grew increasingly concerned. And then there were the ladies... Many, many ladies, coming and going like pages in a Day Planner, each resulting in a box checked off, and, like the events in said calendar, fading over the years until all he could remember were scant details- a familiar scent, or a birthmark, or lime-green jelly shoes and extra-long oversized sweatshirts, or a gigantic loose white belt and big Aqua Net hair. Something had to give. Friends initially thought that there would be a loud snap, and he would start collecting swords and wearing trenchcoats and visiting gun collectors and creating web sites geared towards people of mixed race.
But something strange happened. It came to pass thoughout his tumultuous High School years that he would come under the influence of the man we now call DaPrez, and his life's destination veered sharply, charting a new course toward confidence, self-esteem, heavy drinking, urinary problems, premature balding. A new spring in his step, a newly-discovered sharp tongue, a fearlessness that was taking hold in him like the fiery breath of Lucifer himself (later discovered to be a halitosis problem which was fixed by more frequest brushing and flossing). In the face of a certain future of becoming a hopeless geek, he went the opposite way- a geek, yes. But a geek with Hope, a geek with Dreams, a geek with a Destiny. There was no holding him back now. Driven by his inexhaustable power lust, he gave up basketball to pursue his dream- to become a trusted advisor in a semi-fictional organization. This new journey that our man embarked on has culmianted, now, at age 35, in his becoming the most feared war-time member of a Cabinet that is the most powerful in the world. His name? The Schemer. Our Secretary of State. A proud member of Club Sub's "Big Four".
And now you know....the REST of the story.
Friday, February 16, 2007
Mud's February Member Spotlight
This month's member spotlight- Hitman!
Fresh off his Club Sub lifetime Acheivement Award, Hitman is blazing a PR trail throughout the greater RI area. His inventive use of Club Sub logos and slogans (which are obvious copyright infringements, if anyone cares) are doing much to publicize the organization. His creative schemes (the most recent of which invlove DJing with Fic at low-rent white trash weddings at the f'n VFW post under the Club Sub banner) continue to spread the Club Sub word, albeit to undesirables. The last thing we need is a bunch of guys with mullets & sweatpants who drive Camaros, like Yacht Club beverages and Budweiser, follow NASCAR, wear cut-off sweatshirts, and sport fanny-pouches. However, the t-shirts were a nice touch.
3 questions with Hitman:
Q: How do you feel about the Lifetime Acheivement Award?
A: It's an honor for me. YOU can go to Hell.
Q: How's the DJ business?
A: Blow it out your ass.
Q. Would you like to make a long-distance dedication?
A: What the Hell are you talking about? What's wrong with you?
Fresh off his Club Sub lifetime Acheivement Award, Hitman is blazing a PR trail throughout the greater RI area. His inventive use of Club Sub logos and slogans (which are obvious copyright infringements, if anyone cares) are doing much to publicize the organization. His creative schemes (the most recent of which invlove DJing with Fic at low-rent white trash weddings at the f'n VFW post under the Club Sub banner) continue to spread the Club Sub word, albeit to undesirables. The last thing we need is a bunch of guys with mullets & sweatpants who drive Camaros, like Yacht Club beverages and Budweiser, follow NASCAR, wear cut-off sweatshirts, and sport fanny-pouches. However, the t-shirts were a nice touch.
3 questions with Hitman:
Q: How do you feel about the Lifetime Acheivement Award?
A: It's an honor for me. YOU can go to Hell.
Q: How's the DJ business?
A: Blow it out your ass.
Q. Would you like to make a long-distance dedication?
A: What the Hell are you talking about? What's wrong with you?
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
State of The Sub: Presidential Address
Welcome everyone, to this momentous occasion, our 19th year reunion. Tonight we’re going to take a look at our past, our present and our future.
First, a look back, a lot has changed since 1989; both in the world and at Club Sub, here are a few examples:
In the real world, The Berlin Wall actually fell
In Club Sub, The Hitman actually got a job where he can’t wear shorts to work every day.
The US faced an increased risk of terrorism during this period.
Club Sub was ahead of this trend as Kevin Badway has consistently been denied membership
In the real world, the US had a disputed Presidential election,
Club Sub avoided any such controversy; very simply- we have no elections
The US searched in vain for Weapons of Mass Destruction
Club Sub wives searched in vain for their husbands receding hairlines
The Internet took over the world economy.
In 2005 The Schemer got a cell phone
The US Govt. was rocked by the OJ Simpson case
Club Sub for years has been rocked by cases of Miller Lite.
The US faced a major education crisis fueled in part by poor teaching.
Club Sub graduated a large number of future teachers
Hurricane Katrina and the 89 earthquake devastated the cities of New Orleans and San Francisco
Hurricane Cyrus and Hurricane George Bailey devastated DaPrez’ and Fic’s households.
Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire nearly faced a lifetime ban for steroid use.
Glen Underwood………faced a lifetime ban from Club Sub for purchasing… a Girl Car.
The US army introduced the don’t ask don’t tell policy
The Ward’s introduced the don’t ask or I’ll keep telling you policy
Now to Club Sub present, I’d like to bestow some recognition and awards on some deserving and not so deserving members.
First, I’d like to say a few words about our newest member. He’s known for skanking around, for always arriving with McDonalds, for bluffing his chips in poker, and for following on the career path of The Hitman. Those by the way are his good traits. Please give a Club Sub Welcome for Big Sloppy.
Next, I’d like to remember the following members who could not be here tonight…because we didn’t invite them… please pour a little out for the following homey’s: Ron Cap, Paul S., Rich Raz, Lama that did yo mama, Antonio L., PJ W.
I also have some disturbing news, for the first time in this administration I have used my Presidential powers to revoke a membership. Apparently the former Vice President has falling under the influence of a cult. The artist formerly know as Savior is now known as Y-Pac, Some of you knew him as the Flying Hawaiian however I have discovered that he is not and never was Hawaiian, and you know how we feel about Hawaiians. So as of this moment, sadly I regret to say Frank A. is no longer affiliated with this organization.
I’d also like to congratulate the newest members into the Club Sub family. Congratulations to the Fic’s, Crooks, Claps, Wards, and Reil’s on their beautiful children
Now I’d like to induct an honorary member to Club Sub. He’s best known for sitting on woopie cushions, destroying the national anthem, and being the one good thing that ever came out of Canada, Leslie Nielson.
And last, a special moment tonight, our lifetime achievement award. There were very few deserving candidates for this award, given that we are all underachievers. But this person has brought a lot to the table. (…and has taken a lot off of it)
First, without this man’s connections very few of us would have ever gotten married in an actual church.
Second, this man is the creator of the very mugs you’re drink from tonight.
Third he along with Fic, are the founders of our newest business venture Club sub sound which has brought us entertainment for years. Btw, where are the royalties Fic?
And fourth, who can forget the parties, events and general social misbehavior that he has brought to the table.
Ladies and gentleman our lifetime achievement award goes to: Dave V., I mean The Hitman.
I’d lastly like to thank all of you for gathering tonight to celebrate Club Sub’s very existence. I’d also like to Frank White and Schemer, my writing staff, for this insanely brilliant speech.
Now as we look forward to the future of Club Sub, what do I see? Our future will rest on 5 basic principles:
We hope to continue to waste time on fantasy sports leagues and poker
We hope to continue to embellish our past stories
We hope to continue to fight the war on terror and the war on steroids, by continuing to ban Kevin Badway and Glen Underwood
Fourth, you will all continue to pledge your allegiance to me, your President, no matter how fool hearty my plans may be.
And finally, we renew our commitment to meet on a recurring basis of every 19 years, see you in 2026!
Thank you.
First, a look back, a lot has changed since 1989; both in the world and at Club Sub, here are a few examples:
In the real world, The Berlin Wall actually fell
In Club Sub, The Hitman actually got a job where he can’t wear shorts to work every day.
The US faced an increased risk of terrorism during this period.
Club Sub was ahead of this trend as Kevin Badway has consistently been denied membership
In the real world, the US had a disputed Presidential election,
Club Sub avoided any such controversy; very simply- we have no elections
The US searched in vain for Weapons of Mass Destruction
Club Sub wives searched in vain for their husbands receding hairlines
The Internet took over the world economy.
In 2005 The Schemer got a cell phone
The US Govt. was rocked by the OJ Simpson case
Club Sub for years has been rocked by cases of Miller Lite.
The US faced a major education crisis fueled in part by poor teaching.
Club Sub graduated a large number of future teachers
Hurricane Katrina and the 89 earthquake devastated the cities of New Orleans and San Francisco
Hurricane Cyrus and Hurricane George Bailey devastated DaPrez’ and Fic’s households.
Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire nearly faced a lifetime ban for steroid use.
Glen Underwood………faced a lifetime ban from Club Sub for purchasing… a Girl Car.
The US army introduced the don’t ask don’t tell policy
The Ward’s introduced the don’t ask or I’ll keep telling you policy
Now to Club Sub present, I’d like to bestow some recognition and awards on some deserving and not so deserving members.
First, I’d like to say a few words about our newest member. He’s known for skanking around, for always arriving with McDonalds, for bluffing his chips in poker, and for following on the career path of The Hitman. Those by the way are his good traits. Please give a Club Sub Welcome for Big Sloppy.
Next, I’d like to remember the following members who could not be here tonight…because we didn’t invite them… please pour a little out for the following homey’s: Ron Cap, Paul S., Rich Raz, Lama that did yo mama, Antonio L., PJ W.
I also have some disturbing news, for the first time in this administration I have used my Presidential powers to revoke a membership. Apparently the former Vice President has falling under the influence of a cult. The artist formerly know as Savior is now known as Y-Pac, Some of you knew him as the Flying Hawaiian however I have discovered that he is not and never was Hawaiian, and you know how we feel about Hawaiians. So as of this moment, sadly I regret to say Frank A. is no longer affiliated with this organization.
I’d also like to congratulate the newest members into the Club Sub family. Congratulations to the Fic’s, Crooks, Claps, Wards, and Reil’s on their beautiful children
Now I’d like to induct an honorary member to Club Sub. He’s best known for sitting on woopie cushions, destroying the national anthem, and being the one good thing that ever came out of Canada, Leslie Nielson.
And last, a special moment tonight, our lifetime achievement award. There were very few deserving candidates for this award, given that we are all underachievers. But this person has brought a lot to the table. (…and has taken a lot off of it)
First, without this man’s connections very few of us would have ever gotten married in an actual church.
Second, this man is the creator of the very mugs you’re drink from tonight.
Third he along with Fic, are the founders of our newest business venture Club sub sound which has brought us entertainment for years. Btw, where are the royalties Fic?
And fourth, who can forget the parties, events and general social misbehavior that he has brought to the table.
Ladies and gentleman our lifetime achievement award goes to: Dave V., I mean The Hitman.
I’d lastly like to thank all of you for gathering tonight to celebrate Club Sub’s very existence. I’d also like to Frank White and Schemer, my writing staff, for this insanely brilliant speech.
Now as we look forward to the future of Club Sub, what do I see? Our future will rest on 5 basic principles:
We hope to continue to waste time on fantasy sports leagues and poker
We hope to continue to embellish our past stories
We hope to continue to fight the war on terror and the war on steroids, by continuing to ban Kevin Badway and Glen Underwood
Fourth, you will all continue to pledge your allegiance to me, your President, no matter how fool hearty my plans may be.
And finally, we renew our commitment to meet on a recurring basis of every 19 years, see you in 2026!
Thank you.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
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