June 2007
The end of a Club Sub Era is upon us. The Club Sub favorite watering hole has closed filing chapter 7 which apparently is worst than the chapter 11 it filed years ago. Club Sub for years raped and pillaged this establishment so bad it would make the Huns blush. Many memebers have fond memories of the Big Orange. I myself can recall several fond memories/incidents such as:
1) The Hitman stealthly stealing Leslie Neilson's picture off the wall, that pic is now the award for the "Club Sub Poker Tourney" and is currently held by and proudly displayed at Fic's house.
2) Who could forget the beginning of Trivia night: 3 different cards played...1st, 2nd, & 3rd prize won week after week. Yes, we were in Cahoots with "Newman", yes we did get enough winnings for a drunken trip to Montreal, and yes several rule changes were soon to come.
3) The Alleged arson in the bathroom...Alleged.
4) The weekly grafitti left by Frank White in the bathroom...The Scheemer did what to Tina?
5) Several school holiday meetings
6) Several classic sporting events were watched there
7) Bikini Contests
8) Turkey Bowling
9) Spank Bank Memories for years
10) Frank White developed and perfected the "go to the Tape" move
11) Hitman's Dad taught us how a real man eats a wing
12) Scheemer developed and perfected the "Stalker's Ogle"
13) Ward's talked away more girl's than wings eaten by members.
14) Scheemer yelling, "PAULA!!!!!!!!!"
15) a girl named JADE
16) the cast of characters...Torre, Leslie, crooked face, etc.
Memebers please feel free to post your memories and pour out a little for the Big Orange
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Monday, June 04, 2007
Club Sub Member Profile for June, MUD
Filling in for Mr. Mud, who knows he cannot gloss himself, this article submitted by the incredibly talented and fetching human highlight with a keyboard, you guessed it TILT.
In the way of the tragic highway accident, or Lindsay Lohan’s career, Mud has lived a compelling if not quite fascinating existence to this point. Born in the heart of North Providence (not Fatima hospital, he was birthed by a midwife in the basement of the house of Moi) Mud was a bouncing baby boy who showed early promise. By the age of 5 months, he could walk, read, and nail older brother Jim with a slap shot in front of the house from 60 feet.
Mud continued his prodigy by winning the Scripps national spelling bee while in the 2nd grade, for which he received a copy of Webster’s unabridged dictionary, and an afternoon on the set of television’s One Day at a Time, where he was French kissed by Valerie Bertinelli, AND that, 70’s porn start looking, dude who played Schneider. Mud’s burning star status was about to burn out though, because while on set, he stole the pack of cigarettes rolled in Schneider’s t-shirt sleeve, and began a habit that would haunt him for years not to mention ruining the career of what could have been one of our generations finest actors (we miss you Pat Harrington Jr.).
Mud’s accomplishments since this illustrious period, have as they say, paled in comparison, although there have been a few. In 1992, he made the FBI’s most wanted list (#37) for producing over 23,000 phony identifications at Rhode Island College. In 1994, he placed 2nd in a competitive eating contest (beef tongue), and on January 1, 2000, he was voted to Charmin’s all-decade shitting team, for producing the largest, loosest, and most original color turd on day 11 of the contest. Oddly enough, heading into the contest, he had been fasting for weeks.
I ran across this enigma of a man at the opening of Hairspray, at the Providence Performing Arts Center, where he was performing fluffer duties, and what follows is our conversation.
CS: Mister Mud, How goes it?
Mud: mmfblumfphblmphsptewwey! Fine.
CS: Would you tell us, sir, how has being a member of Club Sub influenced your life?
Mud: Well, in the early years, I found the camaraderie, and fellowship to be truly engaging, that and the deals on BMT’s. But as I have grown older, and more experienced, I realized I had no socially desirable qualities to offer the real world, but since I can randomly quote many movies, and lose $50.00 once in a while at Conca’s, I fit right in with this collection of lifeless compadres.
CS: Would you care to comment on the state of America in 2007?
Mud: Gas prices are ridiculous, homes are being foreclosed upon, the greenhouse effect is ripping holes in the ozone layer, and I really don’t care, but when we start to ban trans-fats, that’s going a bit too far, I mean really Why!! Why!!!
CS: How about the war in Iraq?
Mud: Forget about that, I’m too depressed, ever since my mistress, Anna Nicole Smith, passed away, I find myself unable to feel empathy towards the troops, little kids in Ethiopia, or the Ward twins.
CS: Mud, it’s okay, I’m here for you.
Mud: Fuck Off!
CS: You’ve successfully completed a stop smoking campaign, how did you do it?
Mud: At first it was difficult, I craved the nicotine, but I was able to distract myself with constant masturbation. I mean I spanked the little sucker everywhere, in the car, at my desk, while riding the elevator at the hospital when I was going to visit my grandfather, when…
CS: enough, we get the picture.
CS: That is a lovely sweater, who would you say has influenced you style-wise?
Mud: Well Helmut Lang, obviously, I’ve always thought Paul Newman looked classy, and of course Clarence Broadus Jr., better known as SNOOP D-O-Double G, especially the outfits he wore in Starsky & Hutch.
CS: Mud, you are on death row, what are you ordering for your last meal?
Mud: I’ve often asked myself this same question, and I would have to say cucumber sandwiches, mandarin orange slices, and a delicate lemon sorbet.
CS: What’s your philosophy of life?
Mud: I’ve always tried to live my life by one simple rule: A man has 2 things in this world, his balls and his word, and he shouldn’t break them for nobody. Isn’t that three things?
CS: Speaking of balls?
Mud: (ripping off the mic) fuckoff, you people are all the same, every fuckin’ time, its balls, balls, balls, just once I would like to do a fuckin’ interview without you probing my balls.
CS: thank you for your time.
In the way of the tragic highway accident, or Lindsay Lohan’s career, Mud has lived a compelling if not quite fascinating existence to this point. Born in the heart of North Providence (not Fatima hospital, he was birthed by a midwife in the basement of the house of Moi) Mud was a bouncing baby boy who showed early promise. By the age of 5 months, he could walk, read, and nail older brother Jim with a slap shot in front of the house from 60 feet.
Mud continued his prodigy by winning the Scripps national spelling bee while in the 2nd grade, for which he received a copy of Webster’s unabridged dictionary, and an afternoon on the set of television’s One Day at a Time, where he was French kissed by Valerie Bertinelli, AND that, 70’s porn start looking, dude who played Schneider. Mud’s burning star status was about to burn out though, because while on set, he stole the pack of cigarettes rolled in Schneider’s t-shirt sleeve, and began a habit that would haunt him for years not to mention ruining the career of what could have been one of our generations finest actors (we miss you Pat Harrington Jr.).
Mud’s accomplishments since this illustrious period, have as they say, paled in comparison, although there have been a few. In 1992, he made the FBI’s most wanted list (#37) for producing over 23,000 phony identifications at Rhode Island College. In 1994, he placed 2nd in a competitive eating contest (beef tongue), and on January 1, 2000, he was voted to Charmin’s all-decade shitting team, for producing the largest, loosest, and most original color turd on day 11 of the contest. Oddly enough, heading into the contest, he had been fasting for weeks.
I ran across this enigma of a man at the opening of Hairspray, at the Providence Performing Arts Center, where he was performing fluffer duties, and what follows is our conversation.
CS: Mister Mud, How goes it?
Mud: mmfblumfphblmphsptewwey! Fine.
CS: Would you tell us, sir, how has being a member of Club Sub influenced your life?
Mud: Well, in the early years, I found the camaraderie, and fellowship to be truly engaging, that and the deals on BMT’s. But as I have grown older, and more experienced, I realized I had no socially desirable qualities to offer the real world, but since I can randomly quote many movies, and lose $50.00 once in a while at Conca’s, I fit right in with this collection of lifeless compadres.
CS: Would you care to comment on the state of America in 2007?
Mud: Gas prices are ridiculous, homes are being foreclosed upon, the greenhouse effect is ripping holes in the ozone layer, and I really don’t care, but when we start to ban trans-fats, that’s going a bit too far, I mean really Why!! Why!!!
CS: How about the war in Iraq?
Mud: Forget about that, I’m too depressed, ever since my mistress, Anna Nicole Smith, passed away, I find myself unable to feel empathy towards the troops, little kids in Ethiopia, or the Ward twins.
CS: Mud, it’s okay, I’m here for you.
Mud: Fuck Off!
CS: You’ve successfully completed a stop smoking campaign, how did you do it?
Mud: At first it was difficult, I craved the nicotine, but I was able to distract myself with constant masturbation. I mean I spanked the little sucker everywhere, in the car, at my desk, while riding the elevator at the hospital when I was going to visit my grandfather, when…
CS: enough, we get the picture.
CS: That is a lovely sweater, who would you say has influenced you style-wise?
Mud: Well Helmut Lang, obviously, I’ve always thought Paul Newman looked classy, and of course Clarence Broadus Jr., better known as SNOOP D-O-Double G, especially the outfits he wore in Starsky & Hutch.
CS: Mud, you are on death row, what are you ordering for your last meal?
Mud: I’ve often asked myself this same question, and I would have to say cucumber sandwiches, mandarin orange slices, and a delicate lemon sorbet.
CS: What’s your philosophy of life?
Mud: I’ve always tried to live my life by one simple rule: A man has 2 things in this world, his balls and his word, and he shouldn’t break them for nobody. Isn’t that three things?
CS: Speaking of balls?
Mud: (ripping off the mic) fuckoff, you people are all the same, every fuckin’ time, its balls, balls, balls, just once I would like to do a fuckin’ interview without you probing my balls.
CS: thank you for your time.
Friday, May 18, 2007
Mud's May Member Profile- Tilt
Good day, fellow Club Subbers...And let me just start by saying that I have offically wrestled control of this blog away from DaPrez... Ahem, what I mean to say that I have posting access now. Therefore, there will be no more typoes and/or formatting errors, incorrect grammar, or any of that type of shit that DaPrez is famous for. However, if you come across a typo, kindly blow it out your ass, 'cuz I really don't give a fuck.
Onward and upward!
This month, we take a look at one of our more enduring members, Mr. Tilt himself, our Secretary of Energy. His induction, one of the more creative & imaginative efforts put forth by the Club Sub Executive Board, involved himself and one other member (Fic) disrupting a large class at a insitute of higher learning that will remain nameless, while the Executive Board sat in the back of the auditorium and drank beer. It was truly a turning point in the Club Sub world, as inductions completed their inevitable shift from petty larceny to general social misbehavior in an attempt to foment a movement- a movement towards the discreditation of institutes of formal learning (primarily college)....Fucking ironic, when half of the members of the organization are teachers. The induction was also the apex of creativity expressed by the Board, as inductions since have become mundane and boring, as evidenced by the most recent induction (Big Sloppy) -He took a leak in a toilet in a coach bus. Wow....
But I digress.
Tilt, as he is known, comes from a logging family in northeastern Washington State. At the age of 11, he decided that logging was not for him, after he fell 25 feet from a pine tree and suffered severe lacerations to the head, neck, arms, legs, and scrotum. He ran away from home, eventually ending up working as a janitor in a brothel in Thailand. He worked long hours in decidely disgusting conditions, but was so enamored by the "benefits" of this job, he stayed until he was 16, when he was adopted by the first entirely lesbian kibbutz ever established in the United States. It was here that he evolved into the man he is today- a devoted father and family man, and quick-witted chap with a love for the Yankees.
How does living in a lesbian commune make someone a devoted family man? God only knows. But as this interview will show, there are lot of things about our man that don't make sense.
Thus begins the interview.
CSB (Club Sub Blog): What has been the greatest influence in your life?
TT (Tilt): First I'd like to thank God for his gifts that have been bestowed on me. By far, my biggest influence has been the music of the B-52s. While in the kibbutz, that music was on all day every day, and I really became enamored with their pop and counterculture sensibilities. Fred Schneider's energy is truly infectious.
CSB: Umm...okay...Why did you develop such a love for the Yankees?
TT: I secretly wish I was Italian.
CSB: Umm...okay...Are you proud of the fact that you are basically turning your son into a well-educated butler in the mold of Geoffrey from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air?
TT: I'm sure it seems odd (laughs)..But I have my reasons.
CSB: What are they?
TT: Well, i want him to have a trade skill as a backup. I became a teacher, but in the event that I had to, I could have esaily found work as a janitor. I'ts about being prepared for contingency.
CSB: You have a well-documented love for cooking. What's your favorite meal to make?
TT: I don't mean to brag, but I have been praised for my ability to make all kinds of different toast. Most of the time I do basic white bread, but sometimes I'll mix it up- marble rye, wheat, you name it. People come from all over just to sample my toast. I even offer different types of spreads, including a homemade Marmalade that I make.
CSB: It IS damn fine toast. The marmalade is especially delicious..Has a nice nutty flavor to it.
TT: Thank you. I want to be known as the guy who can solve all of your toast problems. I'm in the process of developing a device which will keep all of the small toast particles from getting lodged in the stick of butter.
CSB: A true renaissance man...
TT: Well, living in an alternative-lifestyle commune will broaden your horizons a bit.
CSB: When you fell from the tree at age 11, you were badly injured, yet you don't seem to bear any scars.
TT: I underwent extensive plastic surgery. The technology is astounding. The only scar that is really still an issue is the one on the back of my balls. Really burns when I make the Orange Marmalade. Citric acid, I guess.
CSB: Why would your nuts burn when you make Orange....Oh, my God...Ugh ![vomits]
TT: Hee hee hee.
CSB: Whoa, that wasn't cool. Ahem...What would you like your legacy to be?
TT: [Singing, to the tune of Sammy Davis Jr.'s "The Candyman"
Who can take your bread slice,
Heat it 'til it's brown,
The toast man can, cause he wipes it on his balls,
The toastman can!
CSB: Sweet Jesus!
TT: Lick my balls! Oh, wait- you already did. hee hee hee...
CSB: Oh my Holy God...
Onward and upward!
This month, we take a look at one of our more enduring members, Mr. Tilt himself, our Secretary of Energy. His induction, one of the more creative & imaginative efforts put forth by the Club Sub Executive Board, involved himself and one other member (Fic) disrupting a large class at a insitute of higher learning that will remain nameless, while the Executive Board sat in the back of the auditorium and drank beer. It was truly a turning point in the Club Sub world, as inductions completed their inevitable shift from petty larceny to general social misbehavior in an attempt to foment a movement- a movement towards the discreditation of institutes of formal learning (primarily college)....Fucking ironic, when half of the members of the organization are teachers. The induction was also the apex of creativity expressed by the Board, as inductions since have become mundane and boring, as evidenced by the most recent induction (Big Sloppy) -He took a leak in a toilet in a coach bus. Wow....
But I digress.
Tilt, as he is known, comes from a logging family in northeastern Washington State. At the age of 11, he decided that logging was not for him, after he fell 25 feet from a pine tree and suffered severe lacerations to the head, neck, arms, legs, and scrotum. He ran away from home, eventually ending up working as a janitor in a brothel in Thailand. He worked long hours in decidely disgusting conditions, but was so enamored by the "benefits" of this job, he stayed until he was 16, when he was adopted by the first entirely lesbian kibbutz ever established in the United States. It was here that he evolved into the man he is today- a devoted father and family man, and quick-witted chap with a love for the Yankees.
How does living in a lesbian commune make someone a devoted family man? God only knows. But as this interview will show, there are lot of things about our man that don't make sense.
Thus begins the interview.
CSB (Club Sub Blog): What has been the greatest influence in your life?
TT (Tilt): First I'd like to thank God for his gifts that have been bestowed on me. By far, my biggest influence has been the music of the B-52s. While in the kibbutz, that music was on all day every day, and I really became enamored with their pop and counterculture sensibilities. Fred Schneider's energy is truly infectious.
CSB: Umm...okay...Why did you develop such a love for the Yankees?
TT: I secretly wish I was Italian.
CSB: Umm...okay...Are you proud of the fact that you are basically turning your son into a well-educated butler in the mold of Geoffrey from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air?
TT: I'm sure it seems odd (laughs)..But I have my reasons.
CSB: What are they?
TT: Well, i want him to have a trade skill as a backup. I became a teacher, but in the event that I had to, I could have esaily found work as a janitor. I'ts about being prepared for contingency.
CSB: You have a well-documented love for cooking. What's your favorite meal to make?
TT: I don't mean to brag, but I have been praised for my ability to make all kinds of different toast. Most of the time I do basic white bread, but sometimes I'll mix it up- marble rye, wheat, you name it. People come from all over just to sample my toast. I even offer different types of spreads, including a homemade Marmalade that I make.
CSB: It IS damn fine toast. The marmalade is especially delicious..Has a nice nutty flavor to it.
TT: Thank you. I want to be known as the guy who can solve all of your toast problems. I'm in the process of developing a device which will keep all of the small toast particles from getting lodged in the stick of butter.
CSB: A true renaissance man...
TT: Well, living in an alternative-lifestyle commune will broaden your horizons a bit.
CSB: When you fell from the tree at age 11, you were badly injured, yet you don't seem to bear any scars.
TT: I underwent extensive plastic surgery. The technology is astounding. The only scar that is really still an issue is the one on the back of my balls. Really burns when I make the Orange Marmalade. Citric acid, I guess.
CSB: Why would your nuts burn when you make Orange....Oh, my God...Ugh ![vomits]
TT: Hee hee hee.
CSB: Whoa, that wasn't cool. Ahem...What would you like your legacy to be?
TT: [Singing, to the tune of Sammy Davis Jr.'s "The Candyman"
Who can take your bread slice,
Heat it 'til it's brown,
The toast man can, cause he wipes it on his balls,
The toastman can!
CSB: Sweet Jesus!
TT: Lick my balls! Oh, wait- you already did. hee hee hee...
CSB: Oh my Holy God...
Monday, March 12, 2007
Club Sub Summer Trip is Cancelled due to New Law
New Mexico outlawed cockfighting on Monday in a victory for animal welfare groups, leaving Louisiana as the last state in the country where the controversial practice is legal.
"I am proud that New Mexico will now move beyond cockfighting and join the 48 states that have already banned this outdated practice," said Gov. Bill Richardson after signing the bill.
Cockfighting involves roosters with razors tied to their claws battling often to the death with spectators placing bets on the outcome of each contest.
Supporters argued cockfighting was an Hispanic tradition and that any ban would push it underground. Opponents said it was a clear-cut case of animal cruelty and that it encouraged illegal gambling.
The ban had the support of the influential New Mexico Conference of Catholic Bishops, which represents 600,000 New Mexicans.
"At this time we have to speak out because of our children," said Allen Sanchez, spokesman for the Conference of Catholic Bishops. "The church clearly defines that cruelty to animals is wrong."
Opponents of the ban, which goes into effect on July 1, called it a blow to Hispanic culture.
"We have a right to have game birds. It's part of our culture," said farmer David Lopez. "The law is just going to push cockfighting underground like it did for dog fighting."
The bill prohibits cockfighting in the 20 New Mexico counties where it wasn't already illegal.
State Sen. Phil Griego, a Democrat who opposed the ban, called it a "slippery slope."
"What's next? A ban on rodeos? Then hunting and fishing? Jesus never said cockfighting was a sin," he said during a hearing on the legislation.
"I am proud that New Mexico will now move beyond cockfighting and join the 48 states that have already banned this outdated practice," said Gov. Bill Richardson after signing the bill.
Cockfighting involves roosters with razors tied to their claws battling often to the death with spectators placing bets on the outcome of each contest.
Supporters argued cockfighting was an Hispanic tradition and that any ban would push it underground. Opponents said it was a clear-cut case of animal cruelty and that it encouraged illegal gambling.
The ban had the support of the influential New Mexico Conference of Catholic Bishops, which represents 600,000 New Mexicans.
"At this time we have to speak out because of our children," said Allen Sanchez, spokesman for the Conference of Catholic Bishops. "The church clearly defines that cruelty to animals is wrong."
Opponents of the ban, which goes into effect on July 1, called it a blow to Hispanic culture.
"We have a right to have game birds. It's part of our culture," said farmer David Lopez. "The law is just going to push cockfighting underground like it did for dog fighting."
The bill prohibits cockfighting in the 20 New Mexico counties where it wasn't already illegal.
State Sen. Phil Griego, a Democrat who opposed the ban, called it a "slippery slope."
"What's next? A ban on rodeos? Then hunting and fishing? Jesus never said cockfighting was a sin," he said during a hearing on the legislation.
Mud's March Member Spotlight
This month, we're taking a closer look at the life and times of a special member of Club Sub.
On December 25th, 1971, the proud parents (Jim and Joan) looked at their new bundle of joy, this "Happy Accident", this Christmas Miracle that could only have happened when the stars aligned properly and Oysters had been on sale at Almacs in March of that same year.
What joy, what exhiliration, what.....DISAPPOINTMENT. Jim had to sell his Glenn-Miller custom Harley. Joan had to deal with raising and feeding a new baby while dealing with the teenage malaise of another child that would end up being a freelance nuclear physicist.....And these United States, which were mired in an unpopular war overseas and an even more unpopular scandal taking seed in the White House-would never be the same.
As time wore on, Jim and Joan began to realize that their new son, the fruit of their aging loins, was very special. He was far more advanced intellectually than the other boys he hung around with (Fic, The Rat, That Guy, Daddy, Mud), which, although not earth-shattering, did not deter from the pride he instilled in Jim and Joan.
While not athletically gifted (his movements were awkward), no one could do more with what he had to work with, and he developed into an above-average athlete, excelling in baseball, basketball, and Wiffle ball (He holds the record for most home runs in one game at the Ward Memorial Stadium). However, despite his intellect and athelticism, he was plagued by an awkwardness that was difficult to overcome. This scourge took root in our boy and, despite the efforts of his friends, he simply could not shake it. His inevitable downward spiral had begun- a vast whirlpool, with one destination- being the Student Manager on a high school baseball team. His friends grew increasingly concerned. And then there were the ladies... Many, many ladies, coming and going like pages in a Day Planner, each resulting in a box checked off, and, like the events in said calendar, fading over the years until all he could remember were scant details- a familiar scent, or a birthmark, or lime-green jelly shoes and extra-long oversized sweatshirts, or a gigantic loose white belt and big Aqua Net hair. Something had to give. Friends initially thought that there would be a loud snap, and he would start collecting swords and wearing trenchcoats and visiting gun collectors and creating web sites geared towards people of mixed race.
But something strange happened. It came to pass thoughout his tumultuous High School years that he would come under the influence of the man we now call DaPrez, and his life's destination veered sharply, charting a new course toward confidence, self-esteem, heavy drinking, urinary problems, premature balding. A new spring in his step, a newly-discovered sharp tongue, a fearlessness that was taking hold in him like the fiery breath of Lucifer himself (later discovered to be a halitosis problem which was fixed by more frequest brushing and flossing). In the face of a certain future of becoming a hopeless geek, he went the opposite way- a geek, yes. But a geek with Hope, a geek with Dreams, a geek with a Destiny. There was no holding him back now. Driven by his inexhaustable power lust, he gave up basketball to pursue his dream- to become a trusted advisor in a semi-fictional organization. This new journey that our man embarked on has culmianted, now, at age 35, in his becoming the most feared war-time member of a Cabinet that is the most powerful in the world. His name? The Schemer. Our Secretary of State. A proud member of Club Sub's "Big Four".
And now you know....the REST of the story.
On December 25th, 1971, the proud parents (Jim and Joan) looked at their new bundle of joy, this "Happy Accident", this Christmas Miracle that could only have happened when the stars aligned properly and Oysters had been on sale at Almacs in March of that same year.
What joy, what exhiliration, what.....DISAPPOINTMENT. Jim had to sell his Glenn-Miller custom Harley. Joan had to deal with raising and feeding a new baby while dealing with the teenage malaise of another child that would end up being a freelance nuclear physicist.....And these United States, which were mired in an unpopular war overseas and an even more unpopular scandal taking seed in the White House-would never be the same.
As time wore on, Jim and Joan began to realize that their new son, the fruit of their aging loins, was very special. He was far more advanced intellectually than the other boys he hung around with (Fic, The Rat, That Guy, Daddy, Mud), which, although not earth-shattering, did not deter from the pride he instilled in Jim and Joan.
While not athletically gifted (his movements were awkward), no one could do more with what he had to work with, and he developed into an above-average athlete, excelling in baseball, basketball, and Wiffle ball (He holds the record for most home runs in one game at the Ward Memorial Stadium). However, despite his intellect and athelticism, he was plagued by an awkwardness that was difficult to overcome. This scourge took root in our boy and, despite the efforts of his friends, he simply could not shake it. His inevitable downward spiral had begun- a vast whirlpool, with one destination- being the Student Manager on a high school baseball team. His friends grew increasingly concerned. And then there were the ladies... Many, many ladies, coming and going like pages in a Day Planner, each resulting in a box checked off, and, like the events in said calendar, fading over the years until all he could remember were scant details- a familiar scent, or a birthmark, or lime-green jelly shoes and extra-long oversized sweatshirts, or a gigantic loose white belt and big Aqua Net hair. Something had to give. Friends initially thought that there would be a loud snap, and he would start collecting swords and wearing trenchcoats and visiting gun collectors and creating web sites geared towards people of mixed race.
But something strange happened. It came to pass thoughout his tumultuous High School years that he would come under the influence of the man we now call DaPrez, and his life's destination veered sharply, charting a new course toward confidence, self-esteem, heavy drinking, urinary problems, premature balding. A new spring in his step, a newly-discovered sharp tongue, a fearlessness that was taking hold in him like the fiery breath of Lucifer himself (later discovered to be a halitosis problem which was fixed by more frequest brushing and flossing). In the face of a certain future of becoming a hopeless geek, he went the opposite way- a geek, yes. But a geek with Hope, a geek with Dreams, a geek with a Destiny. There was no holding him back now. Driven by his inexhaustable power lust, he gave up basketball to pursue his dream- to become a trusted advisor in a semi-fictional organization. This new journey that our man embarked on has culmianted, now, at age 35, in his becoming the most feared war-time member of a Cabinet that is the most powerful in the world. His name? The Schemer. Our Secretary of State. A proud member of Club Sub's "Big Four".
And now you know....the REST of the story.
Friday, February 16, 2007
Mud's February Member Spotlight
This month's member spotlight- Hitman!
Fresh off his Club Sub lifetime Acheivement Award, Hitman is blazing a PR trail throughout the greater RI area. His inventive use of Club Sub logos and slogans (which are obvious copyright infringements, if anyone cares) are doing much to publicize the organization. His creative schemes (the most recent of which invlove DJing with Fic at low-rent white trash weddings at the f'n VFW post under the Club Sub banner) continue to spread the Club Sub word, albeit to undesirables. The last thing we need is a bunch of guys with mullets & sweatpants who drive Camaros, like Yacht Club beverages and Budweiser, follow NASCAR, wear cut-off sweatshirts, and sport fanny-pouches. However, the t-shirts were a nice touch.
3 questions with Hitman:
Q: How do you feel about the Lifetime Acheivement Award?
A: It's an honor for me. YOU can go to Hell.
Q: How's the DJ business?
A: Blow it out your ass.
Q. Would you like to make a long-distance dedication?
A: What the Hell are you talking about? What's wrong with you?
Fresh off his Club Sub lifetime Acheivement Award, Hitman is blazing a PR trail throughout the greater RI area. His inventive use of Club Sub logos and slogans (which are obvious copyright infringements, if anyone cares) are doing much to publicize the organization. His creative schemes (the most recent of which invlove DJing with Fic at low-rent white trash weddings at the f'n VFW post under the Club Sub banner) continue to spread the Club Sub word, albeit to undesirables. The last thing we need is a bunch of guys with mullets & sweatpants who drive Camaros, like Yacht Club beverages and Budweiser, follow NASCAR, wear cut-off sweatshirts, and sport fanny-pouches. However, the t-shirts were a nice touch.
3 questions with Hitman:
Q: How do you feel about the Lifetime Acheivement Award?
A: It's an honor for me. YOU can go to Hell.
Q: How's the DJ business?
A: Blow it out your ass.
Q. Would you like to make a long-distance dedication?
A: What the Hell are you talking about? What's wrong with you?
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
State of The Sub: Presidential Address
Welcome everyone, to this momentous occasion, our 19th year reunion. Tonight we’re going to take a look at our past, our present and our future.
First, a look back, a lot has changed since 1989; both in the world and at Club Sub, here are a few examples:
In the real world, The Berlin Wall actually fell
In Club Sub, The Hitman actually got a job where he can’t wear shorts to work every day.
The US faced an increased risk of terrorism during this period.
Club Sub was ahead of this trend as Kevin Badway has consistently been denied membership
In the real world, the US had a disputed Presidential election,
Club Sub avoided any such controversy; very simply- we have no elections
The US searched in vain for Weapons of Mass Destruction
Club Sub wives searched in vain for their husbands receding hairlines
The Internet took over the world economy.
In 2005 The Schemer got a cell phone
The US Govt. was rocked by the OJ Simpson case
Club Sub for years has been rocked by cases of Miller Lite.
The US faced a major education crisis fueled in part by poor teaching.
Club Sub graduated a large number of future teachers
Hurricane Katrina and the 89 earthquake devastated the cities of New Orleans and San Francisco
Hurricane Cyrus and Hurricane George Bailey devastated DaPrez’ and Fic’s households.
Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire nearly faced a lifetime ban for steroid use.
Glen Underwood………faced a lifetime ban from Club Sub for purchasing… a Girl Car.
The US army introduced the don’t ask don’t tell policy
The Ward’s introduced the don’t ask or I’ll keep telling you policy
Now to Club Sub present, I’d like to bestow some recognition and awards on some deserving and not so deserving members.
First, I’d like to say a few words about our newest member. He’s known for skanking around, for always arriving with McDonalds, for bluffing his chips in poker, and for following on the career path of The Hitman. Those by the way are his good traits. Please give a Club Sub Welcome for Big Sloppy.
Next, I’d like to remember the following members who could not be here tonight…because we didn’t invite them… please pour a little out for the following homey’s: Ron Cap, Paul S., Rich Raz, Lama that did yo mama, Antonio L., PJ W.
I also have some disturbing news, for the first time in this administration I have used my Presidential powers to revoke a membership. Apparently the former Vice President has falling under the influence of a cult. The artist formerly know as Savior is now known as Y-Pac, Some of you knew him as the Flying Hawaiian however I have discovered that he is not and never was Hawaiian, and you know how we feel about Hawaiians. So as of this moment, sadly I regret to say Frank A. is no longer affiliated with this organization.
I’d also like to congratulate the newest members into the Club Sub family. Congratulations to the Fic’s, Crooks, Claps, Wards, and Reil’s on their beautiful children
Now I’d like to induct an honorary member to Club Sub. He’s best known for sitting on woopie cushions, destroying the national anthem, and being the one good thing that ever came out of Canada, Leslie Nielson.
And last, a special moment tonight, our lifetime achievement award. There were very few deserving candidates for this award, given that we are all underachievers. But this person has brought a lot to the table. (…and has taken a lot off of it)
First, without this man’s connections very few of us would have ever gotten married in an actual church.
Second, this man is the creator of the very mugs you’re drink from tonight.
Third he along with Fic, are the founders of our newest business venture Club sub sound which has brought us entertainment for years. Btw, where are the royalties Fic?
And fourth, who can forget the parties, events and general social misbehavior that he has brought to the table.
Ladies and gentleman our lifetime achievement award goes to: Dave V., I mean The Hitman.
I’d lastly like to thank all of you for gathering tonight to celebrate Club Sub’s very existence. I’d also like to Frank White and Schemer, my writing staff, for this insanely brilliant speech.
Now as we look forward to the future of Club Sub, what do I see? Our future will rest on 5 basic principles:
We hope to continue to waste time on fantasy sports leagues and poker
We hope to continue to embellish our past stories
We hope to continue to fight the war on terror and the war on steroids, by continuing to ban Kevin Badway and Glen Underwood
Fourth, you will all continue to pledge your allegiance to me, your President, no matter how fool hearty my plans may be.
And finally, we renew our commitment to meet on a recurring basis of every 19 years, see you in 2026!
Thank you.
First, a look back, a lot has changed since 1989; both in the world and at Club Sub, here are a few examples:
In the real world, The Berlin Wall actually fell
In Club Sub, The Hitman actually got a job where he can’t wear shorts to work every day.
The US faced an increased risk of terrorism during this period.
Club Sub was ahead of this trend as Kevin Badway has consistently been denied membership
In the real world, the US had a disputed Presidential election,
Club Sub avoided any such controversy; very simply- we have no elections
The US searched in vain for Weapons of Mass Destruction
Club Sub wives searched in vain for their husbands receding hairlines
The Internet took over the world economy.
In 2005 The Schemer got a cell phone
The US Govt. was rocked by the OJ Simpson case
Club Sub for years has been rocked by cases of Miller Lite.
The US faced a major education crisis fueled in part by poor teaching.
Club Sub graduated a large number of future teachers
Hurricane Katrina and the 89 earthquake devastated the cities of New Orleans and San Francisco
Hurricane Cyrus and Hurricane George Bailey devastated DaPrez’ and Fic’s households.
Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire nearly faced a lifetime ban for steroid use.
Glen Underwood………faced a lifetime ban from Club Sub for purchasing… a Girl Car.
The US army introduced the don’t ask don’t tell policy
The Ward’s introduced the don’t ask or I’ll keep telling you policy
Now to Club Sub present, I’d like to bestow some recognition and awards on some deserving and not so deserving members.
First, I’d like to say a few words about our newest member. He’s known for skanking around, for always arriving with McDonalds, for bluffing his chips in poker, and for following on the career path of The Hitman. Those by the way are his good traits. Please give a Club Sub Welcome for Big Sloppy.
Next, I’d like to remember the following members who could not be here tonight…because we didn’t invite them… please pour a little out for the following homey’s: Ron Cap, Paul S., Rich Raz, Lama that did yo mama, Antonio L., PJ W.
I also have some disturbing news, for the first time in this administration I have used my Presidential powers to revoke a membership. Apparently the former Vice President has falling under the influence of a cult. The artist formerly know as Savior is now known as Y-Pac, Some of you knew him as the Flying Hawaiian however I have discovered that he is not and never was Hawaiian, and you know how we feel about Hawaiians. So as of this moment, sadly I regret to say Frank A. is no longer affiliated with this organization.
I’d also like to congratulate the newest members into the Club Sub family. Congratulations to the Fic’s, Crooks, Claps, Wards, and Reil’s on their beautiful children
Now I’d like to induct an honorary member to Club Sub. He’s best known for sitting on woopie cushions, destroying the national anthem, and being the one good thing that ever came out of Canada, Leslie Nielson.
And last, a special moment tonight, our lifetime achievement award. There were very few deserving candidates for this award, given that we are all underachievers. But this person has brought a lot to the table. (…and has taken a lot off of it)
First, without this man’s connections very few of us would have ever gotten married in an actual church.
Second, this man is the creator of the very mugs you’re drink from tonight.
Third he along with Fic, are the founders of our newest business venture Club sub sound which has brought us entertainment for years. Btw, where are the royalties Fic?
And fourth, who can forget the parties, events and general social misbehavior that he has brought to the table.
Ladies and gentleman our lifetime achievement award goes to: Dave V., I mean The Hitman.
I’d lastly like to thank all of you for gathering tonight to celebrate Club Sub’s very existence. I’d also like to Frank White and Schemer, my writing staff, for this insanely brilliant speech.
Now as we look forward to the future of Club Sub, what do I see? Our future will rest on 5 basic principles:
We hope to continue to waste time on fantasy sports leagues and poker
We hope to continue to embellish our past stories
We hope to continue to fight the war on terror and the war on steroids, by continuing to ban Kevin Badway and Glen Underwood
Fourth, you will all continue to pledge your allegiance to me, your President, no matter how fool hearty my plans may be.
And finally, we renew our commitment to meet on a recurring basis of every 19 years, see you in 2026!
Thank you.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Club Sub Fantasy Football Poker Tourney
Congrats to The Hitman (Club Sub Convicts), for his 2nd Club Sub Fantasy Football Poker Tourney Title. The Hitman beat Tilt heads up for his 2nd consecutive title.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
New Club Sub Mascot Announced!!!!!
In a related story, club sub has announced its new mascot is a Chimp in a cleaning lady outfit. She is available on a rental list, House cleaning only!
Escaped Chimp Gets Snack, Cleans Bathroom
Providence, RI. -- An escaped chimpanzee at the Roger Williams Zoo raided a kitchen cupboard and did a little cleaning with a toilet brush before sedatives knocked her out on top of a refrigerator.
The 120-pound primate, Judy, escaped Tuesday into a service area when a zookeeper opened a door to her sleeping quarters, unaware the animal was still inside.
As keepers tried to woo Judy back into her cage, she rummaged through a refrigerator where chimp snacks are stored. She opened kitchen cupboards, pulled out juice and soft drinks and took a swig from bottles she managed to open.
Keeper Ann Rademacher said Judy went into the bathroom, picked up a toilet brush and cleaned the toilet. Rademacher said the 37-year-old Judy was a house pet before the zoo acquired her in 1988, so she may have been familiar with housekeeping chores. Judy wrung out a sponge and scrubbed down the fridge.
It took a couple of tries, but the zoo sedated the chimp, who fell asleep on top of the refrigerator with half a loaf of cinnamon-raisin bread she had pulled out of the freezer.
The zoo veterinarian gave Judy a drug to bring her around. Rademacher said Judy was groggy but fine after the episode. The zoo said there was no danger Judy would get out of the primate keepers service area and onto zoo grounds.
Escaped Chimp Gets Snack, Cleans Bathroom
Providence, RI. -- An escaped chimpanzee at the Roger Williams Zoo raided a kitchen cupboard and did a little cleaning with a toilet brush before sedatives knocked her out on top of a refrigerator.
The 120-pound primate, Judy, escaped Tuesday into a service area when a zookeeper opened a door to her sleeping quarters, unaware the animal was still inside.
As keepers tried to woo Judy back into her cage, she rummaged through a refrigerator where chimp snacks are stored. She opened kitchen cupboards, pulled out juice and soft drinks and took a swig from bottles she managed to open.
Keeper Ann Rademacher said Judy went into the bathroom, picked up a toilet brush and cleaned the toilet. Rademacher said the 37-year-old Judy was a house pet before the zoo acquired her in 1988, so she may have been familiar with housekeeping chores. Judy wrung out a sponge and scrubbed down the fridge.
It took a couple of tries, but the zoo sedated the chimp, who fell asleep on top of the refrigerator with half a loaf of cinnamon-raisin bread she had pulled out of the freezer.
The zoo veterinarian gave Judy a drug to bring her around. Rademacher said Judy was groggy but fine after the episode. The zoo said there was no danger Judy would get out of the primate keepers service area and onto zoo grounds.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Mud's Profile of the Month
Fic, our Secretary of Defense, is an avid inventor. He claims to be the man behind Velcro, the automobile, and those zip-tie thingys you use to bind up wiring....In his spare time, he attends cockfights, and practices "body-painting" where he covers his naked body in paint and leaps up against a six-foot wall of canvas...his last work sold for $8.25, and was called "I Just Don't Give a Fic".
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Club Sub Fav Movies
No particular order:
1) Naked Gun 1
2) Naked Gun 2
3) Naked Gun 3
4) The Godfather 1
5) The Godfather 2
6) Scarface
7) Pulp Fiction
8) The Natural
9) Rounders
10) Airplane
11) GoodFellas
12) Office Space
13) 40 Year Old Virgin
14) Old School
15) Swingers
1) Naked Gun 1
2) Naked Gun 2
3) Naked Gun 3
4) The Godfather 1
5) The Godfather 2
6) Scarface
7) Pulp Fiction
8) The Natural
9) Rounders
10) Airplane
11) GoodFellas
12) Office Space
13) 40 Year Old Virgin
14) Old School
15) Swingers
Club Sub Favorite Actors
1) Leslie Nielsen
2) Al Pacino
3) Rob DeNiro
4) Ed Norton
5) Steve Carell
6) Matt Damon
7) Vince Vaughn
8) Ben Stiller
9) Owen Wilson
10) Will Ferrell
2) Al Pacino
3) Rob DeNiro
4) Ed Norton
5) Steve Carell
6) Matt Damon
7) Vince Vaughn
8) Ben Stiller
9) Owen Wilson
10) Will Ferrell
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
The Stargas Classic
Do you remember when the Stargas Classic was a basketball tournament?
It's all poker now...except for a few little things.
Like the entry fee ($33. for Bird) (please bring exact change)
The blinds will increase every 23 minutes in honor of Michael JordanAll players in the classic will be given an "alter ego" of a pro basketball player that relates to their poker playing style. These will be given by the tournament director (me) and are non negotiable.
New Year's Eve (12 noon)
At The Hitman's house
Update: Here are the Alter Ego Names for the Club Sub members that played in the Stargas Classic this year.
DaPrez= Dominique Wilkens. Nique was called the Human Highlight Reel. DaPrez's Tilt's are epic. They should be filmed and replayed over and over again.
Frank White= Karl Malone. Frank is not "The Mailman" just because he knocked up C's wife...that's only part of it. Malone played the game forever...it seems like Frank came out the womb with Ace-King in his hand.
Mud= Kurt Rambis. Kurt was a grinder...just like Mud. A workhorse who grinds out pots bt folding, checking, hanging around. Mud plays cards like the guy who remebers to bring the toilet paper on the camping trip.
Fic= Paul Pierce. "The Truth" is how Fic lives his life. He's too honest to lie...except when bluffing. Paul came back to the game after being attacked at a night club. Fic would refuse medical treatment and crawl to the table even when stabbed 17 times.
The Schemer= Kevin McHale. Kelly makes poker "moves" that seem illegal just like McHale's post moves. Schemer's awkward at the table...spilling his beer, knocking over his chips (and everyone elses) but he still shows brillance at times just like the Celts 32.
Tilt=Magic Johnson. Speaking of shot takers...Tilt takes shots at pots often (maybe that's because his son says he's the best all around poker player...ever!) Magic was a showman...just like Tilt. Every game is played like the cameras are rolling.
Faceman= Allen Iverson. Iverson is a little guy who plays big. Face plays big poker. When he wins...he wins big. When he loses...he loses HUGE!! Iverson is tough and never misses a game just like Face who plays every hand.
Big Sloppy= Charles Barkley. Sloppy plays poker "Out Loud" just like Sir Charles. He's always got something to say about each and every hand...even the ones he's not in. The way Sloppy Lives...he's no one's role model.
That Guy= Bob Cousy. Cousy was a pest, involved in every play on the court. That Guy is in every hand pestering others on the table. Now Cousy's constant gabbing makes Celtic fans watch games on mute. There is no mute button for That Guy. Congrats to That Guy for his 2nd place finish at the Stargas Classic.
It's all poker now...except for a few little things.
Like the entry fee ($33. for Bird) (please bring exact change)
The blinds will increase every 23 minutes in honor of Michael JordanAll players in the classic will be given an "alter ego" of a pro basketball player that relates to their poker playing style. These will be given by the tournament director (me) and are non negotiable.
New Year's Eve (12 noon)
At The Hitman's house
Update: Here are the Alter Ego Names for the Club Sub members that played in the Stargas Classic this year.
DaPrez= Dominique Wilkens. Nique was called the Human Highlight Reel. DaPrez's Tilt's are epic. They should be filmed and replayed over and over again.
Frank White= Karl Malone. Frank is not "The Mailman" just because he knocked up C's wife...that's only part of it. Malone played the game forever...it seems like Frank came out the womb with Ace-King in his hand.
Mud= Kurt Rambis. Kurt was a grinder...just like Mud. A workhorse who grinds out pots bt folding, checking, hanging around. Mud plays cards like the guy who remebers to bring the toilet paper on the camping trip.
Fic= Paul Pierce. "The Truth" is how Fic lives his life. He's too honest to lie...except when bluffing. Paul came back to the game after being attacked at a night club. Fic would refuse medical treatment and crawl to the table even when stabbed 17 times.
The Schemer= Kevin McHale. Kelly makes poker "moves" that seem illegal just like McHale's post moves. Schemer's awkward at the table...spilling his beer, knocking over his chips (and everyone elses) but he still shows brillance at times just like the Celts 32.
Tilt=Magic Johnson. Speaking of shot takers...Tilt takes shots at pots often (maybe that's because his son says he's the best all around poker player...ever!) Magic was a showman...just like Tilt. Every game is played like the cameras are rolling.
Faceman= Allen Iverson. Iverson is a little guy who plays big. Face plays big poker. When he wins...he wins big. When he loses...he loses HUGE!! Iverson is tough and never misses a game just like Face who plays every hand.
Big Sloppy= Charles Barkley. Sloppy plays poker "Out Loud" just like Sir Charles. He's always got something to say about each and every hand...even the ones he's not in. The way Sloppy Lives...he's no one's role model.
That Guy= Bob Cousy. Cousy was a pest, involved in every play on the court. That Guy is in every hand pestering others on the table. Now Cousy's constant gabbing makes Celtic fans watch games on mute. There is no mute button for That Guy. Congrats to That Guy for his 2nd place finish at the Stargas Classic.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Club Sub favorite Drinks
Miller Lite - ice cold
Corvo Red Wine - room temp
Scotch, scotch, scotch, we love scotch
Caribou Lou - 151 rum, malibu rum, and pinapple juice
Hennessy - on the rocks
Absolute and Tonic
Southern Comfort - on the rocks
Southern Comfort Mahattan
Corvo Red Wine - room temp
Scotch, scotch, scotch, we love scotch
Caribou Lou - 151 rum, malibu rum, and pinapple juice
Hennessy - on the rocks
Absolute and Tonic
Southern Comfort - on the rocks
Southern Comfort Mahattan
Club Sub Favorite Quotes
1) "A man is only as faithful as his options"
2) "If you're in the forrest with your wife, You don't have to be fast to outrun a bear, just faster than your wife."
3) "Action beats reaction"
4) "Club sub members operate on "the 8 year old soccer principle" in that we all run toward the ball in life rather than fielding our positions."
5) "Wow, She Blew Up Like A Tick"
6) Club Sub Toast "To wives and girlfriends: May they never meet!"
2) "If you're in the forrest with your wife, You don't have to be fast to outrun a bear, just faster than your wife."
3) "Action beats reaction"
4) "Club sub members operate on "the 8 year old soccer principle" in that we all run toward the ball in life rather than fielding our positions."
5) "Wow, She Blew Up Like A Tick"
6) Club Sub Toast "To wives and girlfriends: May they never meet!"
The Mud Club Sub Member Profile of the Month
December 2006 Member DaPrez:
DaPrez recently made the Guinness Book of World Records for longest ear hair on a balding man, at 17.56 inches… However, it was discovered by DaFirstLady and plucked unceremoniously.... He is an avid collector of auto batteries, and boasts over 67 in his collection. He stores them next to the illegal tire dump he has in his backyard. Was forcibly removed from the 2004 Republican National Convention after making obscene gestures at Barbara Bush and was overheard saying "I'll tear you up, sweet Mama!".... His back hair was subpoenaed and searched by rescuers attempting to locate those missing hikers in Oregon. Loves Leopard robes and pirate clothes/accessories.
3 questions for DaPrez:
CS: Question number 1. What is your greatest fear in life?
DP: Cooties. I'm afraid of cooties. Oh, and clowns, too.
CS: Question Number 2. Who has made the greatest impact in your life?
DP: Without a doubt- Louis Farrakhan. He has given me purpose and meaning. I held a Hundred-Man March last year at my house. We only got about 12 guys, so instead of marching we played Yahtzee. Good times!
CS: Question Number 3. Is there anyone you'd like to give a "shout out" to?
DP: Yes there is!
CS: Question Number 3a...Um, well- who is it?
DP: You didn't ask that initially. Go to Hell.
DaPrez recently made the Guinness Book of World Records for longest ear hair on a balding man, at 17.56 inches… However, it was discovered by DaFirstLady and plucked unceremoniously.... He is an avid collector of auto batteries, and boasts over 67 in his collection. He stores them next to the illegal tire dump he has in his backyard. Was forcibly removed from the 2004 Republican National Convention after making obscene gestures at Barbara Bush and was overheard saying "I'll tear you up, sweet Mama!".... His back hair was subpoenaed and searched by rescuers attempting to locate those missing hikers in Oregon. Loves Leopard robes and pirate clothes/accessories.
3 questions for DaPrez:
CS: Question number 1. What is your greatest fear in life?
DP: Cooties. I'm afraid of cooties. Oh, and clowns, too.
CS: Question Number 2. Who has made the greatest impact in your life?
DP: Without a doubt- Louis Farrakhan. He has given me purpose and meaning. I held a Hundred-Man March last year at my house. We only got about 12 guys, so instead of marching we played Yahtzee. Good times!
CS: Question Number 3. Is there anyone you'd like to give a "shout out" to?
DP: Yes there is!
CS: Question Number 3a...Um, well- who is it?
DP: You didn't ask that initially. Go to Hell.
Monday, December 18, 2006
Club Sub Fantasy Football
The official standings are in. Captain Morgan Men Win it All Again!!!! No wonder the mail never gets delivered on time.
1. Captain Morgan Men (Back to Back Championships)
2. Ward Boys
3. Club Sub Convicts
4. Ouch LT!
5. Warriors
6. Matlock Mania
7. Da Prez
8. Del's Destroyer
9. All In
10. Hot Corner
1. Captain Morgan Men (Back to Back Championships)
2. Ward Boys
3. Club Sub Convicts
4. Ouch LT!
5. Warriors
6. Matlock Mania
7. Da Prez
8. Del's Destroyer
9. All In
10. Hot Corner
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Club Sub Bio's
Club Sub Executive Branch
Name: J. D.
Title: President
Nickname: DaPrez
Known Aliases: Farty McSmellydrawers, Loud Guy
Bio: The Creator and Founder of Club Sub. Most technologically advanced of all Club Sub members, Jeff had a pager in 1987. He also was the first member of Club Sub to pay bills online, and consequently has had his identity stolen 8 times since 2002. Adoptive father of Dave K., Sec.of State.
Catch Phrase: “This isn’t looking too sexy right here.”
Name: Mr.Unknown
Title: Vice President
Nicknames: Frank White, The Infant
Known Aliases: Meyer Lansky III, The Asshole
Bio: Club Sub’s Financial wizard. Originally the Youngest member of Club Sub, Mr Unknown. has spent his entire tenure as a Club Sub member trying to climb the ladder. Suggested that Club Sub go public, even proposing a $217 IPO in 1997. Makes money in EVERY VENTURE.
Catch Phrase: “How’s that stock?”
Departments & Staff
Name: Steve V.
Title: Chief of Staff
Nickname: Hitman
Known Aliases: V, Big Steve V, Big Chief Brownbottom
Bio: One of the greatest proponents in the history of Club Sub, Mr. V. has done more to popularize and expand Club Sub than any other member, including a venture into Montana. Responsible for several failed Club Sub public relations campaigns (as well as many successful ones), such as the Christmas Party at the Marriott where several of us were nearly arrested and had to stockpile alcohol in a bathtub. While some argue that this event was not a failure, it was a strategic disaster and cost Club Sub several allies.
Catch Phrase: Go fuck yourself Mud.
Name: Dave K.
Title: Secretary of State
Nickname: The Schemer
Known Aliases: The Mad Pisser, Toilet Dave, Leaky
Bio: One of the original Club Sub members, DK has been consistently inconsistent throughout his tenure. Known for his odd, erratic behavior and thought processes, as well as an ongoing Flomax-type of ailment, DK is a shrewd planner and analyst, and is lauded for his sharpness and war-time planning ability.
Catch Phrase: Not so much.
Name: Fic
Title: Secretary of Defense
Nickname: Terminator
Known Aliases: Fic, Dreamchaser, Large Marge, the Factor
Bio: Has dedicated himself to all things sports-related. While a generally quiet, unassuming, nice fellow, Fic is UBER-competitive and will stop at nothing to win. Spent 7 months as a houseboy in the Phillipines in the 80s in a Culture-Exchange program, and credits this experience with molding and shaping him into the man he is today. His top asset as Secretary is Defense is an unfailing ability to look menacing, even though in his head he is singing Abba tunes.
Catch Phrase: Theeeeeyyyy SUUUUUUUCCCCKKK!
Name: Brian C.
Title: Secretary of Energy
Nickname: Tilt
Known Aliases: Coach, Hetero B, The Southern Dandy
Bio: Earned Sec of Energy honors due to the fact that his vehicle uses more gas than anyone else’s. Brian was the first Club Sub member to be married, and is also the first to have had significant voluntary surgery to his happy place. Intelligent, charming, handsome, and generally harmless, Brian has zero knowledge of the Energy industry and it completely useless as a Secretary of Energy. But what a handsome devil!
Catch Phrase: Who wants some of this Crème Broullet that I just took out of the oven?
Departments & Staff (continued)
Name: James W.
Title: Secretary of the Interior
Nickname: The Rat
Known Aliases: Where the fuck is Jim, Jim’s not coming, The Bill Collector
Bio: Quick and agile, he is known for his shrewdness and his inability to attend most Cabinet meetings. Despite this, JW is and will remain a trusted advisor to this administration due to his ruthlessness and candor. Despite his small stature, he is one of the most feared & respected members of Club Sub due to his willingness to take on people who are substantially larger than himself. Is an outstanding softball player, particularly in the field. Was once confused with Brent Kermen by a senile reporter for The Observer.
Catch Phrase: Who invited you? Get the fuck out of here!
Name: Stephen M.
Title: Director of National Intelligence
Nickname: Mud
Known Aliases: LT, Mud the Stud, Moose, Tex Colorado
Bio: Loyal, honest, and unscrupulous, is willing to do the dirty work for the organization, provided he receives praise and financial support. Speaks at inopportune times and can insult EVERYONE with a single comment. Has spent the better part of his life convincing everyone that he is much dumber than he really is in order to infiltrate opposing organizations and crush them. Has killed a man.
Catch Phrase: Try saying that again without the cock in your mouth, asshole.
Name: John W., Jr.
Title: Secretary of Education
Nickname: Johnny Dogs, Johnny Bats, That Guy
Known Aliases: Harvey L. Sherman, Esq., Pedro Lopes de la Santa Rosa
Bio: Honest, friendly, and unabashedly feminine, JW is often the first person on the dance floor (male or female) at weddings. Has great networking skills and can make small talk with anyone. Has an iPod playlist called “Boy Bands”.
Catch Phrase: Michael Jackson is Awesome!
Name: Mike C.
Title: Secretary of HUD
Nickname: Clap, Faceman
Known Aliases: Jason Clap, Brian Clap, Joey Clap
Bio: Notoriously quiet, polite, and hard-working. Often seen in the company of midgets. Actually possesses real-estate licenses. Had 12 different majors in college before finally settling on Physical Therapy, which he put to good use by becoming a mortgage broker/real estate agent.
Catch Phrase: (smile, nod)
Departments & Staff (continued)
Name: Ray C.
Title: Secretary of the Treasury
Nicknames: Cloot, Big Red
Known Aliases: Ray Ray, Coach, Skip
Bio: IS North Providence. There isn’t a single person in NP who doesn’t know him. Weighed 145 pounds as Senior in High School. Weighs 145 pounds now. Never travels without his personal assistant and lawyer, Mr. Wong.
Catch Phrase: Let’s play two!
Name: Jason D.
Title: Secretary of Labor
Nickname: Big Sloppy, the Skankmaster
Known Aliases: JD, Willie the Wimp and his Cadillac Coffin
Bio: Is eminently qualified to be Secretary of Labor due to his lacking a real job and his ability to put skanks to work. Comes to all Cabinet meetings with a bag of Burger King.
Catch Phrase: I was four to a flush, and I was getting good pot odds, so I looked him up on the flop, but I couldn’t catch on the turn and got fucked on the river, so I went all in, but it was a coin flip, and he doubled up thru me.
Name: Chris R.
Title: Attorney General
Nickname: Daddy
Known Aliases: The Lobbyist, CWR
Bio: Due to the terms and conditions set forth by Provision 6-2.3 of the Agreement (“the agreement”), Club Sub Management (hereinafter “we”) are prohibited from publishing a Bio (“said document”).
Name: Dan V.
Title: Secretary of Veterans Affairs
Nickname: Big Daddy
Known Aliases: Portugese Pride, The Fireman
Bio: A gifted storyteller, Big Daddy continues to be a guiding force in the leadership and ideals of the Club Sub organization despite the organization’s efforts to convince him to retire and take a token position on the Board. He could continue his tenure as an historian, a position he is certainly qualified for.
Catch Phrase: Did I ever you tell you about the time…..?
Name: Fr. Mark
Title: Priest
Nickname: The Priest, Mark
Known Aliases: The Chef, The Holy Roller
Bio: Father Mark is a wonderful man. Let’s leave it at that.
Departments & Staff (continued)
Name: Rich Raz
Title: Secretary of Transportation
Nickname: Razz, the Mouth
Known Aliases: PIFD (Pollock is fakin drunkardness)
Bio: Teetering on the edge of “inactive” status, Razz has not been actively involved in the operations of the organization for quite some time. Due to his indiscretions (read: Loose Lips), the organization is keen to not have him privy to the day-to-day operations.
Name: Paul S.
Title: Drug Czar
Nickname: Five-O, Swinny
Known Aliases: Creatine, Andro, the Mass
Bio: A NP cop, Swinny most valuable asset to the organization is his “name-dropping” propensity. Thus, he shall never be rendered “inactive”. Also, he can really hit a baseball.
Catch Phrase: I ask the questions around here!
Name: Al Dal
Title: Secretary of Agriculture
Nickname: Beerman
Known Aliases: Al D, DC, Al Dal
Bio: A feared local hoodlum, Al was brought into the Club Sub fold in the early days when he attempted to rob it armed with a large ornamental wooden spoon. The potentially was immediately seen in him, and he was hastily inducted. Has dated more than 70 women, but ended up marrying the first one he dated, just as we all knew he would.
Name: Ron C.
Title: Director of Homeland Security
Nickname: Ron, Caps
Known Aliases: Endicott French, Mahmoud Abdullah Al-Medhi
Bio: Born Frederick Pringle in 1971, Ron changed his name shortly after his birth, which proved to be a short-sighted gesture that denied him the rights to the Pringle family fortune, estimated in 1991 at $7.4 billion. Capraro can often be seen around NP, mumbling to himself and kicking puppies.
Name: Jake J.
Title: Director of Health and Human Services
Nickname: The Snake
Known Aliases: The Cockblocker, JJ
Bio: Orginally from Woonsocket, Jarvis was inducted into Club Sub as a mandate from the ACLU who determined that NOT having a member from Woonsocket was “Profiling”. Club Sub put up a legal defense, but their case collapsed when Attorney General Chris R. referred to Jake in court as a “frog bastard” despite Jake not being French.
Inactive (Emeritus) Status
Scott W.
Sergio “The Llama that did Your Mama” L.
Frank “The Bouncer” A.
Antonio L.
PJ W.
Name: J. D.
Title: President
Nickname: DaPrez
Known Aliases: Farty McSmellydrawers, Loud Guy
Bio: The Creator and Founder of Club Sub. Most technologically advanced of all Club Sub members, Jeff had a pager in 1987. He also was the first member of Club Sub to pay bills online, and consequently has had his identity stolen 8 times since 2002. Adoptive father of Dave K., Sec.of State.
Catch Phrase: “This isn’t looking too sexy right here.”
Name: Mr.Unknown
Title: Vice President
Nicknames: Frank White, The Infant
Known Aliases: Meyer Lansky III, The Asshole
Bio: Club Sub’s Financial wizard. Originally the Youngest member of Club Sub, Mr Unknown. has spent his entire tenure as a Club Sub member trying to climb the ladder. Suggested that Club Sub go public, even proposing a $217 IPO in 1997. Makes money in EVERY VENTURE.
Catch Phrase: “How’s that stock?”
Departments & Staff
Name: Steve V.
Title: Chief of Staff
Nickname: Hitman
Known Aliases: V, Big Steve V, Big Chief Brownbottom
Bio: One of the greatest proponents in the history of Club Sub, Mr. V. has done more to popularize and expand Club Sub than any other member, including a venture into Montana. Responsible for several failed Club Sub public relations campaigns (as well as many successful ones), such as the Christmas Party at the Marriott where several of us were nearly arrested and had to stockpile alcohol in a bathtub. While some argue that this event was not a failure, it was a strategic disaster and cost Club Sub several allies.
Catch Phrase: Go fuck yourself Mud.
Name: Dave K.
Title: Secretary of State
Nickname: The Schemer
Known Aliases: The Mad Pisser, Toilet Dave, Leaky
Bio: One of the original Club Sub members, DK has been consistently inconsistent throughout his tenure. Known for his odd, erratic behavior and thought processes, as well as an ongoing Flomax-type of ailment, DK is a shrewd planner and analyst, and is lauded for his sharpness and war-time planning ability.
Catch Phrase: Not so much.
Name: Fic
Title: Secretary of Defense
Nickname: Terminator
Known Aliases: Fic, Dreamchaser, Large Marge, the Factor
Bio: Has dedicated himself to all things sports-related. While a generally quiet, unassuming, nice fellow, Fic is UBER-competitive and will stop at nothing to win. Spent 7 months as a houseboy in the Phillipines in the 80s in a Culture-Exchange program, and credits this experience with molding and shaping him into the man he is today. His top asset as Secretary is Defense is an unfailing ability to look menacing, even though in his head he is singing Abba tunes.
Catch Phrase: Theeeeeyyyy SUUUUUUUCCCCKKK!
Name: Brian C.
Title: Secretary of Energy
Nickname: Tilt
Known Aliases: Coach, Hetero B, The Southern Dandy
Bio: Earned Sec of Energy honors due to the fact that his vehicle uses more gas than anyone else’s. Brian was the first Club Sub member to be married, and is also the first to have had significant voluntary surgery to his happy place. Intelligent, charming, handsome, and generally harmless, Brian has zero knowledge of the Energy industry and it completely useless as a Secretary of Energy. But what a handsome devil!
Catch Phrase: Who wants some of this Crème Broullet that I just took out of the oven?
Departments & Staff (continued)
Name: James W.
Title: Secretary of the Interior
Nickname: The Rat
Known Aliases: Where the fuck is Jim, Jim’s not coming, The Bill Collector
Bio: Quick and agile, he is known for his shrewdness and his inability to attend most Cabinet meetings. Despite this, JW is and will remain a trusted advisor to this administration due to his ruthlessness and candor. Despite his small stature, he is one of the most feared & respected members of Club Sub due to his willingness to take on people who are substantially larger than himself. Is an outstanding softball player, particularly in the field. Was once confused with Brent Kermen by a senile reporter for The Observer.
Catch Phrase: Who invited you? Get the fuck out of here!
Name: Stephen M.
Title: Director of National Intelligence
Nickname: Mud
Known Aliases: LT, Mud the Stud, Moose, Tex Colorado
Bio: Loyal, honest, and unscrupulous, is willing to do the dirty work for the organization, provided he receives praise and financial support. Speaks at inopportune times and can insult EVERYONE with a single comment. Has spent the better part of his life convincing everyone that he is much dumber than he really is in order to infiltrate opposing organizations and crush them. Has killed a man.
Catch Phrase: Try saying that again without the cock in your mouth, asshole.
Name: John W., Jr.
Title: Secretary of Education
Nickname: Johnny Dogs, Johnny Bats, That Guy
Known Aliases: Harvey L. Sherman, Esq., Pedro Lopes de la Santa Rosa
Bio: Honest, friendly, and unabashedly feminine, JW is often the first person on the dance floor (male or female) at weddings. Has great networking skills and can make small talk with anyone. Has an iPod playlist called “Boy Bands”.
Catch Phrase: Michael Jackson is Awesome!
Name: Mike C.
Title: Secretary of HUD
Nickname: Clap, Faceman
Known Aliases: Jason Clap, Brian Clap, Joey Clap
Bio: Notoriously quiet, polite, and hard-working. Often seen in the company of midgets. Actually possesses real-estate licenses. Had 12 different majors in college before finally settling on Physical Therapy, which he put to good use by becoming a mortgage broker/real estate agent.
Catch Phrase: (smile, nod)
Departments & Staff (continued)
Name: Ray C.
Title: Secretary of the Treasury
Nicknames: Cloot, Big Red
Known Aliases: Ray Ray, Coach, Skip
Bio: IS North Providence. There isn’t a single person in NP who doesn’t know him. Weighed 145 pounds as Senior in High School. Weighs 145 pounds now. Never travels without his personal assistant and lawyer, Mr. Wong.
Catch Phrase: Let’s play two!
Name: Jason D.
Title: Secretary of Labor
Nickname: Big Sloppy, the Skankmaster
Known Aliases: JD, Willie the Wimp and his Cadillac Coffin
Bio: Is eminently qualified to be Secretary of Labor due to his lacking a real job and his ability to put skanks to work. Comes to all Cabinet meetings with a bag of Burger King.
Catch Phrase: I was four to a flush, and I was getting good pot odds, so I looked him up on the flop, but I couldn’t catch on the turn and got fucked on the river, so I went all in, but it was a coin flip, and he doubled up thru me.
Name: Chris R.
Title: Attorney General
Nickname: Daddy
Known Aliases: The Lobbyist, CWR
Bio: Due to the terms and conditions set forth by Provision 6-2.3 of the Agreement (“the agreement”), Club Sub Management (hereinafter “we”) are prohibited from publishing a Bio (“said document”).
Name: Dan V.
Title: Secretary of Veterans Affairs
Nickname: Big Daddy
Known Aliases: Portugese Pride, The Fireman
Bio: A gifted storyteller, Big Daddy continues to be a guiding force in the leadership and ideals of the Club Sub organization despite the organization’s efforts to convince him to retire and take a token position on the Board. He could continue his tenure as an historian, a position he is certainly qualified for.
Catch Phrase: Did I ever you tell you about the time…..?
Name: Fr. Mark
Title: Priest
Nickname: The Priest, Mark
Known Aliases: The Chef, The Holy Roller
Bio: Father Mark is a wonderful man. Let’s leave it at that.
Departments & Staff (continued)
Name: Rich Raz
Title: Secretary of Transportation
Nickname: Razz, the Mouth
Known Aliases: PIFD (Pollock is fakin drunkardness)
Bio: Teetering on the edge of “inactive” status, Razz has not been actively involved in the operations of the organization for quite some time. Due to his indiscretions (read: Loose Lips), the organization is keen to not have him privy to the day-to-day operations.
Name: Paul S.
Title: Drug Czar
Nickname: Five-O, Swinny
Known Aliases: Creatine, Andro, the Mass
Bio: A NP cop, Swinny most valuable asset to the organization is his “name-dropping” propensity. Thus, he shall never be rendered “inactive”. Also, he can really hit a baseball.
Catch Phrase: I ask the questions around here!
Name: Al Dal
Title: Secretary of Agriculture
Nickname: Beerman
Known Aliases: Al D, DC, Al Dal
Bio: A feared local hoodlum, Al was brought into the Club Sub fold in the early days when he attempted to rob it armed with a large ornamental wooden spoon. The potentially was immediately seen in him, and he was hastily inducted. Has dated more than 70 women, but ended up marrying the first one he dated, just as we all knew he would.
Name: Ron C.
Title: Director of Homeland Security
Nickname: Ron, Caps
Known Aliases: Endicott French, Mahmoud Abdullah Al-Medhi
Bio: Born Frederick Pringle in 1971, Ron changed his name shortly after his birth, which proved to be a short-sighted gesture that denied him the rights to the Pringle family fortune, estimated in 1991 at $7.4 billion. Capraro can often be seen around NP, mumbling to himself and kicking puppies.
Name: Jake J.
Title: Director of Health and Human Services
Nickname: The Snake
Known Aliases: The Cockblocker, JJ
Bio: Orginally from Woonsocket, Jarvis was inducted into Club Sub as a mandate from the ACLU who determined that NOT having a member from Woonsocket was “Profiling”. Club Sub put up a legal defense, but their case collapsed when Attorney General Chris R. referred to Jake in court as a “frog bastard” despite Jake not being French.
Inactive (Emeritus) Status
Scott W.
Sergio “The Llama that did Your Mama” L.
Frank “The Bouncer” A.
Antonio L.
PJ W.
Club Sub Party
There is a Club Sub party set for Feb. 10th, 2007 to celebrate 18 years of mayhem.
More information to come
More information to come
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