Member Team Record
Hitman-
Boston 16-10
Toronto 1-4
Dallas 1-4
TOTAL WINS= 18-18
DaPrez-
Lakers 14-7
Orlando 5-5
Washington 2-4
TOTAL WINS= 21-16
Yung Flanigan-
Detroit 10-7
Cleveland 7-6
Houston 2-4
TOTAL WINS = 19-17
That Guy-
NO 7-6
Utah 6-6
Philly 2-4
TOTAL WINS = 15-16
Scheemer-
San Antonio 9-8
Phoenix 1-4
Denver 0-4
TOTAL WINS = 10-16
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Club Sub notes the top 10 Principles of Chili's restaurants
Top 10:
1. We will deliver bad food, slowly
2. Smells bad tastes worse, its the fajita!
3. The customer always comes first, unless we're involved in a really good conversation.
4. The male staff members would like to stab u with their member.
5. The tv's will be perfectly viewable from precisely one seat.
6. Speak softly, because staff will be eavesdropping
7. The ratio of employees to customers is surprisingly high given how poor our service is.
8. The manager is always a middle aged underachiever, with a headset on. It is unplugged.
9. There aren't many rules at Chili's, but entering thru the takeout door is
strictly prohibited.
10. All of this outweighed by free chips and salsa, which make us come back.
1. We will deliver bad food, slowly
2. Smells bad tastes worse, its the fajita!
3. The customer always comes first, unless we're involved in a really good conversation.
4. The male staff members would like to stab u with their member.
5. The tv's will be perfectly viewable from precisely one seat.
6. Speak softly, because staff will be eavesdropping
7. The ratio of employees to customers is surprisingly high given how poor our service is.
8. The manager is always a middle aged underachiever, with a headset on. It is unplugged.
9. There aren't many rules at Chili's, but entering thru the takeout door is
strictly prohibited.
10. All of this outweighed by free chips and salsa, which make us come back.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Redacted/Retracted, either way Mailman’s candidacy for Club Sub on the rocks, Delegates Split
RI- News from this small irrelevant state, a split in the Club Sub Super Delegates has seriously hampered the candidacy of the Mailman, i.e. Newman, i.e Clavine, i.e Monkey Work. Four Super delegates, previously have split 2-2 on whether to continue to allow the Mailman to shirk his responsibilities for his initiation.
Said the VP: this is all under the guise of his new “baby”, however we all know he and his wife don’t sleep together. The fact that this baby likes soccer, plays poker poorly and talks with a fake English accent also has me wondering.”
The Schemer took a different view, saying, “this is not dissimilar to the Beer Hall Putsch in Nazi
The President: could not be reached for comment as he’s currently breast feeding his dog, taking the gall bladder out of his baby, and house training his wife, or something like that.
The Hitman: also could not be reached as he’s been sick now for 17 straight years, however he is hoping to “ drink his way out of it on Friday”
Meanwhile, other shocking developments in the scandal have arisen. Footage of the Mailman’s alleged Spiritual Advisor, only known as The Mayo, has appeared on You tube. The footage appears to show an inebriated Mayo breaking into the Roger Williams Zoo, and then videotaping a comparison of his member with a number of different zoological creatures. He was quoted as saying: “Monkeys, Lions, those things that are half sheep half goat, I’ve got them all beat, but who would have known that Old security guard was so well hung”.
Additionally his anti club sub rhetoric was also taped. Comments included:
- “Club sub brought miller lite into the inner cities and ghettos. Think about it, who benefits?”
- “Club Sub poker players are greedy loud mouth idiots who will play anything at any time.”
- “I can live on Rice a Roni and Vodka, can’t you ?”
Breaking news: the Mailman has just been quoted as saying: “no more baby problems, I’m getting snipped”. The super delegates are now huddling. They’ve come out of conference……. It’s unamimous! He’s been thrown out pending further news!
Monday, January 28, 2008
Proud Papa Makes all of us his Bitches
Ho-hum. Just another day for the Terminator. Wife has a kid, he wins a poker tourney. This getting pretty damn boring.
"I never had any doubt about it," he says. "It was the best day of my week, that's for sure."
Hmm...How about the day when your daughter was born? It occurred in the past week.
"Well that was great obviously. But I mean in the Gregorian calendar week, which begins each week on Sundays. If we were going by fiscal week, then I would have to say it was the second best day of the week. But I don't think ClubSub goes by fiscal week. [ to Frank White] Do we go by fiscal week?"
"Do you even know what 'fiscal' means?" asks Frank.
Wordsmith or not, once again, the Terminator had to fend off a strong field, and for the second straight tourney, he was forced to face off with Mud heads-up for the cash and the bragging rights. However, a deal was brokered whereby Mud got his entry fee back. This type of deal is unusual for the champion, but since the format (winner take all) screws those who come in second, the recent winner of the V Classic was feeling charitable.
"I figured it was easier. I wouldn't have to hear him bitch and moan."
But the Terminator didn't realize what he was getting as part of the deal- he must now chase down Florida Boy for the $14 that he was unable to contribute due to Florida Boy's being located in Florida, and due to Florida Boy's legal troubles (he was named in the Mitchell report), so it's unlikely that the champ will ever see that $$.
The field fought hard- an aggressive blind structure (it appears that we finally have it figured out) was key in making this tournament flow quickly. First out was The Rat, who scared the bejesus out of all of us by going out in the yard to play catch (Rat has a fake leg, and he is not too stable on it).
Who did Rat play catch with? Read my newest feature:
"Mud's Bad Beat of the Day!"
This award goes to Da Prez. DaPrez pushed all in against The Schemer, and at the time, both players had pretty large stacks. Schemer did have him covered though, and called Da Prez's all-in. Da Prez had Rockets, Schemer had the fish hooks.
Flop was useless- no help to either. But Da Turn killed Da Prez. JACK. Schemer wins with trips, and we all won, 'cuz Da Prez went on tilt like you read about. The kids were sent outside, and Da Prez went on an obscenity tear that was quite impressive.
"&%$@@$%^*(^#@#@#^&$^#%#," said Da Prez. " sonuva$%^#$%^ slutbag."
After that, players began to fall more rapidly. Next to go was the host, Tilt, who put out an impressive spread with excellent sliders, fantastic meatballs & sauce, and enough Chex Mix to feed Europe for a couple of days. However, his cards weren't nearly as good, and out he went. Special thanks to Tilt for hosting and putting out the spread- excellent as usual.
Next out was That Guy, and it was unremarkable, as indicated by the fact that I can't remember who knocked him out. Just like That Guy...
Newest probationary member AC (he is so new that he does not have a title yet) went out next. He had a great hand, but was drawing dead and didn't know it...Poor bastard.
Hit Man was clipped next. Fortunately for him, a side game developed which allowed him to play cards and eat meatballs and gravy out of a cup for some reason (plates were available, butt lick!)
Finally the Schemer succumbed to the bad karma he created when he beat DaPrez. Beaten down by the blinds, he ended up being all in with 3-7 or some shitty hand like that...Fortunately, he has a big penis, which keeps him happy.
The final four gathered around the table. Sloppy kept telling everyone it was great that he was losing so that he could make his hockey game. He said it so much that WE ALL wanted to lose to go to his hockey game.....Or we just wanted him to leave, I'm not sure which...
Unfortunately for Mr. Gretzky here, JT fell next (Terminator got him), so Sloppy had to stick around for a bit...
But he soon went down to Terminator, who now had about 19,000 in chips. Mud, who had about 1,000 (which was the big blind), folded his way to the final two yet again.
What happened next was certainly quite odd...Mud, showing the business savvy that can only be described as "Mexican", sensed he held all of the bargaining power, and made an egregiously one-sided offer to Terminator. Here is how it came to pass that the final 2 were never dealt a hand.
"Tell you what," said Mud, making it sound like he was making a concession to Terminator, "You give me my $21 entry fee back and we will call it even."
Terminator, who was excited to get home to be with his family, agreed.
The lesson is this: Mud and Terminator, shall, under NO circumstances, ever be allowed to run a business, together or seperately, or make any kind of investment without assistance.
The final order:
11. Rat
10. Da Prez
9. Tilt
8. That Guy
7. AC
6. Hit Man
5. Schemer
4. JT
3. Sloppy
2. Mud
1. Terminator
And the Oscar goes to Andrew, who "injured" his ankle playing basketball and limped around the rest of the day. What was interesting was that he forgot which ankle he hurt from time to time, leading to him limping on different and/or both legs. We'll put it down to the shock, kid.
And sincere Congrats to Terminator and Mrs. Terminator on the birth of A.L.!!
All the best to the family.
Good night, and good luck.
"I never had any doubt about it," he says. "It was the best day of my week, that's for sure."
Hmm...How about the day when your daughter was born? It occurred in the past week.
"Well that was great obviously. But I mean in the Gregorian calendar week, which begins each week on Sundays. If we were going by fiscal week, then I would have to say it was the second best day of the week. But I don't think ClubSub goes by fiscal week. [ to Frank White] Do we go by fiscal week?"
"Do you even know what 'fiscal' means?" asks Frank.
Wordsmith or not, once again, the Terminator had to fend off a strong field, and for the second straight tourney, he was forced to face off with Mud heads-up for the cash and the bragging rights. However, a deal was brokered whereby Mud got his entry fee back. This type of deal is unusual for the champion, but since the format (winner take all) screws those who come in second, the recent winner of the V Classic was feeling charitable.
"I figured it was easier. I wouldn't have to hear him bitch and moan."
But the Terminator didn't realize what he was getting as part of the deal- he must now chase down Florida Boy for the $14 that he was unable to contribute due to Florida Boy's being located in Florida, and due to Florida Boy's legal troubles (he was named in the Mitchell report), so it's unlikely that the champ will ever see that $$.
The field fought hard- an aggressive blind structure (it appears that we finally have it figured out) was key in making this tournament flow quickly. First out was The Rat, who scared the bejesus out of all of us by going out in the yard to play catch (Rat has a fake leg, and he is not too stable on it).
Who did Rat play catch with? Read my newest feature:
"Mud's Bad Beat of the Day!"
This award goes to Da Prez. DaPrez pushed all in against The Schemer, and at the time, both players had pretty large stacks. Schemer did have him covered though, and called Da Prez's all-in. Da Prez had Rockets, Schemer had the fish hooks.
Flop was useless- no help to either. But Da Turn killed Da Prez. JACK. Schemer wins with trips, and we all won, 'cuz Da Prez went on tilt like you read about. The kids were sent outside, and Da Prez went on an obscenity tear that was quite impressive.
"&%$@@$%^*(^#@#@#^&$^#%#," said Da Prez. " sonuva$%^#$%^ slutbag."
After that, players began to fall more rapidly. Next to go was the host, Tilt, who put out an impressive spread with excellent sliders, fantastic meatballs & sauce, and enough Chex Mix to feed Europe for a couple of days. However, his cards weren't nearly as good, and out he went. Special thanks to Tilt for hosting and putting out the spread- excellent as usual.
Next out was That Guy, and it was unremarkable, as indicated by the fact that I can't remember who knocked him out. Just like That Guy...
Newest probationary member AC (he is so new that he does not have a title yet) went out next. He had a great hand, but was drawing dead and didn't know it...Poor bastard.
Hit Man was clipped next. Fortunately for him, a side game developed which allowed him to play cards and eat meatballs and gravy out of a cup for some reason (plates were available, butt lick!)
Finally the Schemer succumbed to the bad karma he created when he beat DaPrez. Beaten down by the blinds, he ended up being all in with 3-7 or some shitty hand like that...Fortunately, he has a big penis, which keeps him happy.
The final four gathered around the table. Sloppy kept telling everyone it was great that he was losing so that he could make his hockey game. He said it so much that WE ALL wanted to lose to go to his hockey game.....Or we just wanted him to leave, I'm not sure which...
Unfortunately for Mr. Gretzky here, JT fell next (Terminator got him), so Sloppy had to stick around for a bit...
But he soon went down to Terminator, who now had about 19,000 in chips. Mud, who had about 1,000 (which was the big blind), folded his way to the final two yet again.
What happened next was certainly quite odd...Mud, showing the business savvy that can only be described as "Mexican", sensed he held all of the bargaining power, and made an egregiously one-sided offer to Terminator. Here is how it came to pass that the final 2 were never dealt a hand.
"Tell you what," said Mud, making it sound like he was making a concession to Terminator, "You give me my $21 entry fee back and we will call it even."
Terminator, who was excited to get home to be with his family, agreed.
The lesson is this: Mud and Terminator, shall, under NO circumstances, ever be allowed to run a business, together or seperately, or make any kind of investment without assistance.
The final order:
11. Rat
10. Da Prez
9. Tilt
8. That Guy
7. AC
6. Hit Man
5. Schemer
4. JT
3. Sloppy
2. Mud
1. Terminator
And the Oscar goes to Andrew, who "injured" his ankle playing basketball and limped around the rest of the day. What was interesting was that he forgot which ankle he hurt from time to time, leading to him limping on different and/or both legs. We'll put it down to the shock, kid.
And sincere Congrats to Terminator and Mrs. Terminator on the birth of A.L.!!
All the best to the family.
Good night, and good luck.
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Another Epic "V" Classic
"There's only one place I'd rather be- French Lick."- Larry Legend
The Legend would have been proud. The greatest basketball player of all time was praised over and over as the V Classic continued to be one of the premier invitation-only poker events to be played on December 31 near the prisons. Players came from far and wide- some from as far away as East Providence- to test their mettle on the world's most difficult stage.
"Thank you all for coming. There is bakery pizza and cocktails on the counter," said the host, as players began to filter to their seats. "Once you are eliminated, you must shoot 10 free throws, and the person who makes the most out of 10 will receive a shitty prize," added big V.
This tournament has a history of strange things happening, such as Florida Boy and JT being the final 2, going heads-up last year. JT won in 2006, but '07 would be a tougher road to hoe, as he arrived late and was already damaged by the blinds by the time he sat down. The strangeness continued this year. One of the favorites going into the event, the Veep, was eliminated on the very first hand by That Guy. His trip nines couldn't overcome That Guy's trip Queens. Even more strangely, AC and DaPrez didn't really go on tilt at all today, disappointing the rest of the players, who were hoping for F bombs and cards flying around.
But a lot of the usual things happened- True to form, Sloppy brought a sack of Burger King and a gigantic Tim Horton's Iced Coffee, which he promptly spilled all over the place.
"What an asshole," said the host, while scurrying for paper towels, "but don't quote me." OK, we won't.
The Blind structure (blinds went up every 23 minutes, in honor of MJ) caused many players to deviate from their normal play. Tight play was not rewarded, and agressiveness ruled the day. After an hour of play, 4 players were already eliminated. And that was just the beginning.
While this was going on, a side game developed in the basement, on a ping-pong table. This was exactly what the doctor ordered for the Veep, as he was sitting with his thumb up his ass for a couple of hours and needed to find a way to win back his entry fee. Dealing was a challenge on this table, and after several hands, they realized they could take down the net. This streamlined play significantly.
Back to the tournament- About 2 hours in, the final table was decided. Those left were Big V, Lou D, DaPrez, Terminator, Mud, 'Lil Bastard, Joe G, and That Guy. It was at this point that the biggest single event in the history of poker occurred.
Faced with a short stack, Mud went all in with K-10 offsuit. Terminator called with an Ace. Terminator caught 2 pair on the flop, while Mud caught a King. Terminator had 2 pair, Mud had a pair of Kings. Mud needed runner-runner to stay alive. The turn? a King. The River? a 10. Full boat. Mud stayed alive. Terminator should have been sitting pretty, but was outdrawn, even though he was a huge favorite at that point. Fortunately, he had a big enough chip stack to survive it. And this would not be the last time that these two gladiators would square off.
Players continued to fall. DaPrez bowed out in 4th place, which was in the money- sort of. He won $28, even though the entry fee was $33 for a net loss of $5. However, 3 of the 4 money spots were claimed by Club Sub members- another good showing.
'Lil Bastard got knocked out by Mud, who became the chip leader, with only he and Terminator left to go heads-up for all of the marbles.
It was then that things got interesting. Both players had had several beers, and lost track of the blinds and the dealer button. In an effort to clarify things, Joe G (who had polished off a double bottle of Yellow Tail cabernet sauvignon) jumped in to assist with the dealing and promptly fucked everything up even worse, as his lower lip was purple and was a distraction. He looked (and acted) like he had just drank a whole lot of the grape Kool-Aid at Jonestown. Fortunately for all involved, V and also Mrs V would periodically show up and inform us we were doing it all wrong, and then leave. Most helpful.
The players and the inebriated dealer were able to fight thru this adversity, and, on a few different occasions, nearly struck a deal to chop the final winnings. But Terminator put the kibash on that.
Chips went back and forth. Each player became chip leader after every hand. Back and forth, forth and back. Topsy or turvy, turvy or topsy. Finally, Mud pushed all in and Terminator called. Terminator's hand held up- and it was over.
"This is the greatest poker victory of all time," said an obviously elated Terminator. "For me to fight thru adversity like that and not choke- I'm very proud of me."
So is Larry Legend.
Box Score:
Starting on Hearts Table: Lou, Rat, That Guy, Terminator, Veep, AC, 'Lil Bastard, DV
Satrting on Spades Table: V, Mud, DaPrez, BC, Sloppy, Clapp, Joe G, JT.
Final Table: Mud, V, Terminator, DaPrez, That Guy, 'Lil Bastard, Joe G, Lou D.
Final Placement:
16th- Veep
15th- DV
14th- BC
13th- Sloppy
12th- Rat
11th- JT
10th- Clap
9th- AC
8th- Lou D
7th- Big V
6th- That Guy
5th- Joe G
4th- DaPrez ($)
3rd- 'Lil Bastard ($)
2nd- Mud ($)
1st- Terminator ($)
$- indicates a finish in the money.
Free throws- DV, 7 for 10.
The Legend would have been proud. The greatest basketball player of all time was praised over and over as the V Classic continued to be one of the premier invitation-only poker events to be played on December 31 near the prisons. Players came from far and wide- some from as far away as East Providence- to test their mettle on the world's most difficult stage.
"Thank you all for coming. There is bakery pizza and cocktails on the counter," said the host, as players began to filter to their seats. "Once you are eliminated, you must shoot 10 free throws, and the person who makes the most out of 10 will receive a shitty prize," added big V.
This tournament has a history of strange things happening, such as Florida Boy and JT being the final 2, going heads-up last year. JT won in 2006, but '07 would be a tougher road to hoe, as he arrived late and was already damaged by the blinds by the time he sat down. The strangeness continued this year. One of the favorites going into the event, the Veep, was eliminated on the very first hand by That Guy. His trip nines couldn't overcome That Guy's trip Queens. Even more strangely, AC and DaPrez didn't really go on tilt at all today, disappointing the rest of the players, who were hoping for F bombs and cards flying around.
But a lot of the usual things happened- True to form, Sloppy brought a sack of Burger King and a gigantic Tim Horton's Iced Coffee, which he promptly spilled all over the place.
"What an asshole," said the host, while scurrying for paper towels, "but don't quote me." OK, we won't.
The Blind structure (blinds went up every 23 minutes, in honor of MJ) caused many players to deviate from their normal play. Tight play was not rewarded, and agressiveness ruled the day. After an hour of play, 4 players were already eliminated. And that was just the beginning.
While this was going on, a side game developed in the basement, on a ping-pong table. This was exactly what the doctor ordered for the Veep, as he was sitting with his thumb up his ass for a couple of hours and needed to find a way to win back his entry fee. Dealing was a challenge on this table, and after several hands, they realized they could take down the net. This streamlined play significantly.
Back to the tournament- About 2 hours in, the final table was decided. Those left were Big V, Lou D, DaPrez, Terminator, Mud, 'Lil Bastard, Joe G, and That Guy. It was at this point that the biggest single event in the history of poker occurred.
Faced with a short stack, Mud went all in with K-10 offsuit. Terminator called with an Ace. Terminator caught 2 pair on the flop, while Mud caught a King. Terminator had 2 pair, Mud had a pair of Kings. Mud needed runner-runner to stay alive. The turn? a King. The River? a 10. Full boat. Mud stayed alive. Terminator should have been sitting pretty, but was outdrawn, even though he was a huge favorite at that point. Fortunately, he had a big enough chip stack to survive it. And this would not be the last time that these two gladiators would square off.
Players continued to fall. DaPrez bowed out in 4th place, which was in the money- sort of. He won $28, even though the entry fee was $33 for a net loss of $5. However, 3 of the 4 money spots were claimed by Club Sub members- another good showing.
'Lil Bastard got knocked out by Mud, who became the chip leader, with only he and Terminator left to go heads-up for all of the marbles.
It was then that things got interesting. Both players had had several beers, and lost track of the blinds and the dealer button. In an effort to clarify things, Joe G (who had polished off a double bottle of Yellow Tail cabernet sauvignon) jumped in to assist with the dealing and promptly fucked everything up even worse, as his lower lip was purple and was a distraction. He looked (and acted) like he had just drank a whole lot of the grape Kool-Aid at Jonestown. Fortunately for all involved, V and also Mrs V would periodically show up and inform us we were doing it all wrong, and then leave. Most helpful.
The players and the inebriated dealer were able to fight thru this adversity, and, on a few different occasions, nearly struck a deal to chop the final winnings. But Terminator put the kibash on that.
Chips went back and forth. Each player became chip leader after every hand. Back and forth, forth and back. Topsy or turvy, turvy or topsy. Finally, Mud pushed all in and Terminator called. Terminator's hand held up- and it was over.
"This is the greatest poker victory of all time," said an obviously elated Terminator. "For me to fight thru adversity like that and not choke- I'm very proud of me."
So is Larry Legend.
Box Score:
Starting on Hearts Table: Lou, Rat, That Guy, Terminator, Veep, AC, 'Lil Bastard, DV
Satrting on Spades Table: V, Mud, DaPrez, BC, Sloppy, Clapp, Joe G, JT.
Final Table: Mud, V, Terminator, DaPrez, That Guy, 'Lil Bastard, Joe G, Lou D.
Final Placement:
16th- Veep
15th- DV
14th- BC
13th- Sloppy
12th- Rat
11th- JT
10th- Clap
9th- AC
8th- Lou D
7th- Big V
6th- That Guy
5th- Joe G
4th- DaPrez ($)
3rd- 'Lil Bastard ($)
2nd- Mud ($)
1st- Terminator ($)
$- indicates a finish in the money.
Free throws- DV, 7 for 10.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Mud's Subjective FF Analysis
Well folks, the regular season has ended for the CS FF league,which means that for 8 of us, there is nothing left to live for. Well, rejoice fellow suckfest attendees! I'm here to provide my review and grades for each team in our league. Remember, this is completely subjective, and if y'all don't dig it, then go to Hell.
The Real Deal:
DaPrez, 11-3 (A)
Great season for DaPrez. Second in total points scored, and only 2 teams had more points scored against them. However, several key players may see bench time in the next 2 weeks, which does not bode well for the playoffs.
Points, points, points:
W Boys, 9-5 (B+)
An absolute offensive juggernaut. Overall points leader- set a single week record for points in week 9 against Team Mud. And more importantly, their key players are on teams that are playing the last 2 weeks for their playoff lives. They could be the last one standing when all is said and done.
One and done:
Destroyers, 8-6 (B)
This team is not built for the playoffs. Solid regular season, but bye-bye Destroyers. See you in August.
We were really pulling for you, pal:
Team Florida 8-6 (B)
Despite nearly drafting themselves into the cellar, Team Florida management did a great job throughout the season and was narrowly shoved out of the playoffs in a tiebreaker. I personally am happy for Team Florida management, who relentlessly got their cojones broke in the past 2 seasons. Way to send a message. You beat the snot out of Team Mud. Great job, G.
You have no business being in the playoffs. I think there is some "business' going on up in here:
The Convicts 10-4 (A+)
This team scored the sixth-fewest total points, yet somehow got a #2 seed. NO teams had fewer points scored against them. I think that since it's the Commish team, some rules may have been interpreted "loosely" to benefit them, which is why they get an A+ grade. Good work. Not only that, they limped in by not scoring more than 15 points in the last 3 weeks. Good luck in the playoffs, where you will face the highest-scoring team in the league. You are the Jets to the W's Pats this week. And you're a stinky, diarrhea-filled toilet. One love, homey.
The completely unremarkables:
The Schemers 7-7 (C+)
Had the best quarterback in the history of mankind, yet was completely and utterly mediocre. It would help to own a computer. Snatched defeat from the jaws of victory several times. But of course, a rookie in this league...Look for big things next year.
The Warriors 6-8 (D)
I don't have much to say. Won big in the final week when the season was already decided. Peaked a bit too late, I guess. And this guy is a coach. God help CF.
Hot Corner 7-7 (C-)
This one scored the second fewest points in the league and ended up .500. That's good work. Or good luck. Or something. Should have been 5-9. Watch out if he figures out how to score next season.
Fat Twins on Bikes 6-7-1 (D-)
Can't believe the Randy Moss trade. That alone gets you the D-. Wait until he finds out that he can't keep Stephen Jackson since he was kept last year (I don't know if there is a rule about this- I'm just trying to stir the pot).
Simply awful:
The Fighting Amish 4-10 (F+)
I just don't know what to say. Started out real strong via "automatic draft" but quickly fell into disrepair once he actually started managing the team. Next season, let the computers do the work for you.
Captain Morgan Men 4-10 (F)
Let's look at a stat for the defending champ:
Fewest points scored. 'Nuff said. Defense does not win FF leagues. Not only did he score the fewest points, but the team that scored the next fewest (our Amish friends) outscored him by nearly 10 points per week.
And finally...
Oh, cruel fate! Why do you mock me?
or
The "Woe is me" file
Team Mud 3-10-1 (F-)
This team was slapped around more than the woman who started to freak out in Airplane! Teams were drooling when they saw that they were playing Team Mud. I make no excuses, and gave myself the worst grade because i was the worst team. However, let's do some statistical analysis here.
#9 in total points scored (that's right, i outscored 3 teams)
#12 in total points scored against. The team that had the next highest points-against total had 199 fewer points scored against them, which means that teams scored 14 more points per week against me. That's like having an extra player.
#1 in rapes by Running Backs. Thanks Mr. Alexander. Next time, use lube.
My final note:
Good luck to all in the playoffs. As always, a very fun year. I look forward to next sesaon, and Merry Christmas to all of you and your families.
My new favorite web clip:
www.collegeslackers.com/video/597
Ding fries are done!
The Real Deal:
DaPrez, 11-3 (A)
Great season for DaPrez. Second in total points scored, and only 2 teams had more points scored against them. However, several key players may see bench time in the next 2 weeks, which does not bode well for the playoffs.
Points, points, points:
W Boys, 9-5 (B+)
An absolute offensive juggernaut. Overall points leader- set a single week record for points in week 9 against Team Mud. And more importantly, their key players are on teams that are playing the last 2 weeks for their playoff lives. They could be the last one standing when all is said and done.
One and done:
Destroyers, 8-6 (B)
This team is not built for the playoffs. Solid regular season, but bye-bye Destroyers. See you in August.
We were really pulling for you, pal:
Team Florida 8-6 (B)
Despite nearly drafting themselves into the cellar, Team Florida management did a great job throughout the season and was narrowly shoved out of the playoffs in a tiebreaker. I personally am happy for Team Florida management, who relentlessly got their cojones broke in the past 2 seasons. Way to send a message. You beat the snot out of Team Mud. Great job, G.
You have no business being in the playoffs. I think there is some "business' going on up in here:
The Convicts 10-4 (A+)
This team scored the sixth-fewest total points, yet somehow got a #2 seed. NO teams had fewer points scored against them. I think that since it's the Commish team, some rules may have been interpreted "loosely" to benefit them, which is why they get an A+ grade. Good work. Not only that, they limped in by not scoring more than 15 points in the last 3 weeks. Good luck in the playoffs, where you will face the highest-scoring team in the league. You are the Jets to the W's Pats this week. And you're a stinky, diarrhea-filled toilet. One love, homey.
The completely unremarkables:
The Schemers 7-7 (C+)
Had the best quarterback in the history of mankind, yet was completely and utterly mediocre. It would help to own a computer. Snatched defeat from the jaws of victory several times. But of course, a rookie in this league...Look for big things next year.
The Warriors 6-8 (D)
I don't have much to say. Won big in the final week when the season was already decided. Peaked a bit too late, I guess. And this guy is a coach. God help CF.
Hot Corner 7-7 (C-)
This one scored the second fewest points in the league and ended up .500. That's good work. Or good luck. Or something. Should have been 5-9. Watch out if he figures out how to score next season.
Fat Twins on Bikes 6-7-1 (D-)
Can't believe the Randy Moss trade. That alone gets you the D-. Wait until he finds out that he can't keep Stephen Jackson since he was kept last year (I don't know if there is a rule about this- I'm just trying to stir the pot).
Simply awful:
The Fighting Amish 4-10 (F+)
I just don't know what to say. Started out real strong via "automatic draft" but quickly fell into disrepair once he actually started managing the team. Next season, let the computers do the work for you.
Captain Morgan Men 4-10 (F)
Let's look at a stat for the defending champ:
Fewest points scored. 'Nuff said. Defense does not win FF leagues. Not only did he score the fewest points, but the team that scored the next fewest (our Amish friends) outscored him by nearly 10 points per week.
And finally...
Oh, cruel fate! Why do you mock me?
or
The "Woe is me" file
Team Mud 3-10-1 (F-)
This team was slapped around more than the woman who started to freak out in Airplane! Teams were drooling when they saw that they were playing Team Mud. I make no excuses, and gave myself the worst grade because i was the worst team. However, let's do some statistical analysis here.
#9 in total points scored (that's right, i outscored 3 teams)
#12 in total points scored against. The team that had the next highest points-against total had 199 fewer points scored against them, which means that teams scored 14 more points per week against me. That's like having an extra player.
#1 in rapes by Running Backs. Thanks Mr. Alexander. Next time, use lube.
My final note:
Good luck to all in the playoffs. As always, a very fun year. I look forward to next sesaon, and Merry Christmas to all of you and your families.
My new favorite web clip:
www.collegeslackers.com/video/597
Ding fries are done!
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Club Sub Member Profile of the Month: Big Sloppy
Editor's Note: The member profile of the month has slacked of late, but it's not entirely my fault. The latest marketing campaign that management has employed, called "Join Club Sub and We'll Do You in the Ass", hasn't been as successful as anticipated, and there aren't many new members to write about. But somehow, Big Sloppy fell through the cracks (no pun intended), so we're getting him on the record.
From the beginning of time, Man has ceaselessly pursued the art of perfection. From the advent of usable fire, to the invention of heavy weaponry, to the everyday use of technology that as recently as 20 years ago seemed unattainable. Despite these efforts, perfection has always seemed out of reach- a carrot no man could catch up to- though seemingly in our grasp, it has eluded Man to the point that it has driven some of the most genius of our species to the brink of insanity and beyond.
Which leads us to one man...A man who will not understand the previous paragraph..A man who single-handedly raised the value of Burger King stock $.37 cents per share during a 3-week span in August '06...A man who is criticized by the fellow members of his organization for a weak initiation ritual...A man who will be forever known for the "Dante Hall Incident"...A man who will simply be known to all as "Big Sloppy".
I sat down with this man to try to understand what makes him tick. What I found was unfathomable on so many levels that I had to change my pants twice.
CSB: Let's cut to the chase. I was not aware that "White Slavery" was even on the books as a crime anymore.
BS: Me neither. It's a [expletive] charge. Skankery is an art, and it's a shame that the Man feels a need to pull rank here. Don't hate the player, hate the...
CSB (interrupting): Yeah, yeah, whatever. We've all heard the line. Now let's talks about sacks of burgers...
BS: You got some?
CSB: No, we just want to talk about them. How many burgers usually per bag?
BS: It varies..Normally 2-3 if they are smaller burgers, but I'll usually do a couple Whoppers and an order of fries and the biggest iced coffee i can get my hands on. I was a Bess Eaton fan, but Tim Horton's isn't too bad. But I've been hitting up D&D lately.
CSB: Does it bother you that you are perceived as a degenerate gambler?
BS: I am?
CSB: Moving on...How has becoming a Club Sub member changed your life?
BS: It's afforded me influence that I couldn't imagine living without. Because of my membership, I have acheived greatness that I could only dream about. It's a fact that other players at poker tournaments will fold pots to me because they know who I roll with.
CSB: Is it true that your affiliation with Club Sub was responsible for your muscling in on the Woonsocket Co-Ed CYO softball organization?
BS: Those frogs never saw it coming. I ousted Roland with the "offer he couldn't refuse" trick. I told him that either his signature or the condiments from my Double Cheeseburger would end up on the paper. He signed it...Wouldn't you? There were pickles on it.
CSB: How many clipboards do you own?
BS: 17 at last count...But I'm always checking the Staples & Office Depot fliers in the Sunday paper for deals. You can never have enough.
CSB: Are you now settling down with one woman?
BS: C'mon now...You know I can't answer that.
CSB: But her family is a prominent sponsor of...
BS: NEXT [expletive] QUESTION, you FAT piece of [expletive].
CSB: Who is the most important member of your softball team?
BS: What the Hell kinda question is that? No one else is organized enough to run that show. You know damn well who it is.
CSB: So you are saying that it's you?
BS: Of course it's me. Who buys the loaded bat? Who pulls out the most obsure rules at the most opportune times? Who insists that we play at a field with a short porch so that we can hit copious amounts of home runs?
CSB: "Copious" equals 5?
BS: Admittedly it didn't work out last year. Terminator hit 3 in one game...Highlight of the season. But because of that bat we made it to the playoffs.
CSB: Actually, we made it to the play-in game, which we won...But we ended up facing the softball equivalent of the 1992 Duke basketball team and got killed.
BS: True, but it was a step in the right direction for us.
CSB: Are you at all concerned that Hitman, since he holds seniority and higher status in the Club Sub organization, will attempt to oust you as manager of the softball team?
BS: Bring it on. I'll do him in the ass.
CSB: Actually that marketing campaign has been pulled.
BS: Oh, really? I guess that makes sense.
CSB: Thanks for your time. This interview is over.
BS: OH YEAH???? WELL, THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER! (flips table, storms away)
CSB: I already said that.
BS: (walking away) OK, well give my best to the family then.
From the beginning of time, Man has ceaselessly pursued the art of perfection. From the advent of usable fire, to the invention of heavy weaponry, to the everyday use of technology that as recently as 20 years ago seemed unattainable. Despite these efforts, perfection has always seemed out of reach- a carrot no man could catch up to- though seemingly in our grasp, it has eluded Man to the point that it has driven some of the most genius of our species to the brink of insanity and beyond.
Which leads us to one man...A man who will not understand the previous paragraph..A man who single-handedly raised the value of Burger King stock $.37 cents per share during a 3-week span in August '06...A man who is criticized by the fellow members of his organization for a weak initiation ritual...A man who will be forever known for the "Dante Hall Incident"...A man who will simply be known to all as "Big Sloppy".
I sat down with this man to try to understand what makes him tick. What I found was unfathomable on so many levels that I had to change my pants twice.
CSB: Let's cut to the chase. I was not aware that "White Slavery" was even on the books as a crime anymore.
BS: Me neither. It's a [expletive] charge. Skankery is an art, and it's a shame that the Man feels a need to pull rank here. Don't hate the player, hate the...
CSB (interrupting): Yeah, yeah, whatever. We've all heard the line. Now let's talks about sacks of burgers...
BS: You got some?
CSB: No, we just want to talk about them. How many burgers usually per bag?
BS: It varies..Normally 2-3 if they are smaller burgers, but I'll usually do a couple Whoppers and an order of fries and the biggest iced coffee i can get my hands on. I was a Bess Eaton fan, but Tim Horton's isn't too bad. But I've been hitting up D&D lately.
CSB: Does it bother you that you are perceived as a degenerate gambler?
BS: I am?
CSB: Moving on...How has becoming a Club Sub member changed your life?
BS: It's afforded me influence that I couldn't imagine living without. Because of my membership, I have acheived greatness that I could only dream about. It's a fact that other players at poker tournaments will fold pots to me because they know who I roll with.
CSB: Is it true that your affiliation with Club Sub was responsible for your muscling in on the Woonsocket Co-Ed CYO softball organization?
BS: Those frogs never saw it coming. I ousted Roland with the "offer he couldn't refuse" trick. I told him that either his signature or the condiments from my Double Cheeseburger would end up on the paper. He signed it...Wouldn't you? There were pickles on it.
CSB: How many clipboards do you own?
BS: 17 at last count...But I'm always checking the Staples & Office Depot fliers in the Sunday paper for deals. You can never have enough.
CSB: Are you now settling down with one woman?
BS: C'mon now...You know I can't answer that.
CSB: But her family is a prominent sponsor of...
BS: NEXT [expletive] QUESTION, you FAT piece of [expletive].
CSB: Who is the most important member of your softball team?
BS: What the Hell kinda question is that? No one else is organized enough to run that show. You know damn well who it is.
CSB: So you are saying that it's you?
BS: Of course it's me. Who buys the loaded bat? Who pulls out the most obsure rules at the most opportune times? Who insists that we play at a field with a short porch so that we can hit copious amounts of home runs?
CSB: "Copious" equals 5?
BS: Admittedly it didn't work out last year. Terminator hit 3 in one game...Highlight of the season. But because of that bat we made it to the playoffs.
CSB: Actually, we made it to the play-in game, which we won...But we ended up facing the softball equivalent of the 1992 Duke basketball team and got killed.
BS: True, but it was a step in the right direction for us.
CSB: Are you at all concerned that Hitman, since he holds seniority and higher status in the Club Sub organization, will attempt to oust you as manager of the softball team?
BS: Bring it on. I'll do him in the ass.
CSB: Actually that marketing campaign has been pulled.
BS: Oh, really? I guess that makes sense.
CSB: Thanks for your time. This interview is over.
BS: OH YEAH???? WELL, THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER! (flips table, storms away)
CSB: I already said that.
BS: (walking away) OK, well give my best to the family then.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Club Sub leads Pats' Attack vs Cowboys, Pavement attacks Flanagan
Club Sub leads Pats Attack vs Cowboys, Pavement attacks Flanagan
(note this blog was delayed as the writer did not have full use of his hands until 4 pm today.)
- Best line of the trip: the anti Ward, Clap, with this line out of nowhere: After Osama told us we’d be paying 13$ extra for his cab due to 7 people in it, and after he then sped over a vicious Texas sized speed bump, Clap uttered the immortal: “now you can use the $13 bucks to fix your fucking muffler”
- Best eating display: Club Sub takes down 100 wings (minus 5 on the floor) at buffalo wild wings
- Most used lines:
- 1. “Down, and to the left” said numerous times at Dealey plaza.
- 2. “That’s ok, we know how you treat guests from the Northeast, we just left Dealey plaza” (Flanagan to numerous Texans)
- (side note - best comeback to #2: “he should have sped up the limo”
- 3. “Fuck the Cowboys”
- 4. “Fuck you hillbillies”
- 5. “How could he put Gagne in?”
- 6. “How many wings would Mud have eaten?”
- 7. “I’m tapping out” Fic announcing he’d be going to bed after a night of booze and poker, and after he was already sleeping for 2 hours on the couch.
- 8. “I have a confession to make, I used your toothbrush… again” Scheemer to yung Flanagan
- 9. “what color toothbrush should I buy that you won’t mistake? Flanagan to Scheemer
- 10. “Get a toy one like Winnie the pooh or something” Scheemer to Flanagan.
- 11. Good morning Crash: Dan V to Flanagan, day of departure.
- 1. “Down, and to the left” said numerous times at Dealey plaza.
- The “you spoke to soon award” to Big Sloppy: “I keep hearing about Fic and Flanagan and haven’t seen anything”
- The “ keep pushing even after you’re done award” to Fic for announcing that there was a chance we could have gotten private box tickets from his wifes cousin who is a big shot at 7 UP
- The 2nd best Clap quote award: “Fic let’s see if your cousin is working”-after the van passed a 7 Eleven
- Pregame notes: arriving before sunrise, Club sub was pumped from the start, with eats, drinks and football keeping all entertained. Locals began arriving, seemingly with their houses hitched to their ford chevy trucks. They take “this is our country” serious btw. Full screen tvs, Dish satellites, aquariums and lawnmowers (ok I made the last 2 up) were everywhere in the parking lot. Additionally there was a clear hatred toward the patriots, visible by the following:
- 1. The Tom Brady dummy hanging in effigy wearing a dress
- 2. the sign on the 1 port a potty in the parking lot (thanks jerry jones you big spender) that said: Patriots locker room
- 3. the signs hinting that belichek cheats, each one consistently misspelling belichek
- 1. The Tom Brady dummy hanging in effigy wearing a dress
- The game began with our national anthem, sung by a hillbilly. With the crowd at attention, quiet and respectful, Billy Ray Cyrus gave the typical pause after the OH Say can you see…which was filled by yung flanagan’s scream “T.O. SUCKS!” which did not go over well with the locals.
- The game was very exciting though marred by the halftime display in which
- It was at some point in the 2nd half after the Patriots pulled away that things turned heated, as the Hitman entered into a verbal match with one Cleetus A. Cleetus, who with one foot and a flight of stairs separating them, invited the Hitman into the parking lot for what one could only assume would have been then end of Cleetus’s life. Or the HitMan getting shot.
- It was also at this time that Flanagan finally came up with a retort for the hillbilly who was ringing the cowbell 5 rows in front of us. “For whom the bell tolls Hillbilly, it tolls for thee!” Surprisingly this did not go over well. It led to the Hitman admonishing Flanagan, not about the comment but for saying that Edgar Allen Poe wrote the book rather than Heminway. It then led to a cowboy fan taking umbrage at being called a hillbilly yet knowing that Edgar Allen Poe was from
We all left together, no fights, more celebrating, and that was the end of a great trip!
Oh alright already. Flanagan either started running in circles or was running a pass route, depending on who you listen too. What is incontrovertible is that he had no ability to walk, run, or run in circles. In the greatest case of cosmic justice since the Last Seinfeld episode, Flanagan, who was never touched by a cowboy fan, face planted in the pavement. In even more irony, he has to make 2 presentations this week and read at a wedding. In even more irony, all right fuck it I’m a dick.
After this incident and recovery, the morale of this tale has not been lost on Flanagan. For future trips he is absolutely positively going to buy a novelty toothbrush.
Great trip everyone! Hope to be re invited some year.
Report" DaPrez Used "banned techniques" in Club Sub Football Contests
CANTON, OH (Associated Press)- According to unnamed league sources, DaPrez used "banned techniques" this season in at least one contest. Further elaboration was not provided.
This latest charge of impropreity levied against DaPrez comes just a week after he was suspended from his local men's basketball team for buggery. Charges are pending in that incident which involved an ox, a summer squash, and a pepperoni and cheese calzone (without tomato sauce).
While the actual actions have not been identified, unnamed league sources indicate that he "has acheived significant success while employing the use of banned techniques". The source went on to say that this [expletive] has been cheating. The extent is which is not known at this time. An investigation is pending."
"He was spying on other coaches," adds The Rat, from his hospital bed. "The bastard sent me flowers, and I found a small camera in it. It's no shock really, when you consider that I put up a million points last week and he put up a million and one to beat me. He HAD to have been cheating."
"It was more than flowers," adds That Guy. "The Club Sub logo on the official mugs is actually a device that allows him to spy on us and brainwash us. Fortunately, I was de-programmed by Michael Jackson while in Intercourse, Pennsylvania. Shamon! Hee, hee, hee. OOOOOOOHHHHHH" singing "I want to love you PYT Pretty Young Thing..."
The Commisioner's Office, in statement, did indicate that further comment would noty be forthcoming, although the League Office did comment on a possible steroid issue involving Team Florida.
"The Commissioner has no comment on alleged impropreity on the part of Club Sub members. However, we will comment on non-members, and the juicer will pay. The League Office at this time is proud to announce that Team Florida has been suspended from postseason play, although this sanction does appear to be unnecessary. That said, we can only deal with one scandal per week, and the juice issue is top priority right now. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go and give oral sex to DaPrez, er i mean, 'I have a meeting'- Hitman."
"No [expletive] comment," said DaPrez, reached at his vacation home, curiously called "The Brown House". "I said I have no [expletive] comment for any of you [expletive]. You can [expletive] your [ expletive] with a [expletive] [expletive] on your [expletive] Uncle's birthday and [expletive] a calzone [expletive] with his [expletive] LaDanian Tomlinson [expletive] solar plexus."
Monday, August 27, 2007
Thursday, August 23, 2007
President and First Lady Proudly Welcome Baby Girl; Toddler whups Jenna Bush in Spelling Bee at 11 hours old
AP- After convincingly beating Jenna Bush in the Spelling Bee portion of a special "Prez v. Prez Family Contest Day", The First Daughter immediately called for the removal of US Troops from Iraq and criticized the Bush administration for its handling of the Karl Rove-Valerie Plame-Scooter Libby scandal. The 11-hour-old caused quite a stir with her comments, which ended when doctors took her away to cut the cord. DaPrez reports that mom, dad, and baby are doing well.
The First Parents are thrilled with this turn of events, which came on the heels of a special congratulatory letter from Rhode Island College president John Nazarian, in which Nazarian has issued "special acceptance" to the First Daughter as part of RIC's class of 2026.
Potential Brady-DaPrez link?
The well-wishes are pouring in. Published reports indicate that Patriots QB Tom Brady was so enamored with the concept of his son-to-be sharing a birthday with the First Daughter that he forced former girlfriend Bridget Moynahan to give birth a few days early. Brady sent his best wishes to DaPrez, along with an 8x10 color photo of he and current girlfriend Giselle having sex and a check for $62.15.
The First Parents are thrilled with this turn of events, which came on the heels of a special congratulatory letter from Rhode Island College president John Nazarian, in which Nazarian has issued "special acceptance" to the First Daughter as part of RIC's class of 2026.
Potential Brady-DaPrez link?
The well-wishes are pouring in. Published reports indicate that Patriots QB Tom Brady was so enamored with the concept of his son-to-be sharing a birthday with the First Daughter that he forced former girlfriend Bridget Moynahan to give birth a few days early. Brady sent his best wishes to DaPrez, along with an 8x10 color photo of he and current girlfriend Giselle having sex and a check for $62.15.
Other ClubSub Presidential news
While resting comfortbaly after his ordeal (mother and daughter are doing well and were extremely supportive of DaPrez while he did all of the hard work and cheered them on), DaPrez issued several decrees, as part of his usual weekly "Time to make new rules!" segment. They are:
- No more "Stripper Pole" jokes at ClubSub-sanctioned events
- The price of milk should be lowered to $2.49/gallon
- Tits to Win!
- A special condemnation of Michael Vick's actions. However, Ron Mexico's #7 jersey has been retired. Conveniently, this jersey number is the same as The Rat, who had his leg ripped from his body last week, but was still far and away the funniest SOB at the ClubSub FF draft (more to come on this). We're retiring #7 for everybody.
- Sunday is "Beer, Football, & Softball Day".
Editor's Note: All kidding aside- sincere congrats go out to DaPrez and First Lady on the birth of The First Daughter. Big Props to all of you from your ClubSub family (and presumably from your real families, but they did not immediately respond to voice mails. But I would guess that they would congratulate you as well).
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Profile of the Month....Cloooooot!!!!!
Clout has led the prototypical North Prov life:no ostensible job other than coaching for the town, yet he leads what appears to be a very comfortable existence and drives a car with
- Clout as the only red headed family in the history of
- Cout what did you learn from all those years selling baseball cards at the K of C Veterans Halls? First of all those things are a babefest, Bunch of soccer moms with their kids. Boo Ya! I also learned the art of slight of hand substitution. Those kids never new what hit them until they got home. Ever wonder why I never appeared at the same hall twice?
- Wow, Clout we’re learning more than we could ever imagine, and that’s really saying something. Next Question was emailed in from one How.di.doo.dee@richie.cunningham.com It says: Clout respond to the allegations that you are not a natural redhead, and that indeed cuffs and collar don’t match. “My friends are always busting me, good one guys”
- Clout we could do this for hours but I’m sure you have to get to work. Speaking of which, could you remind us what is it again you’ve done for the last quarter century? Basically I live the good life man, I play baseball every weekend on an over 35.7 team, I coach youth teams, I referee, I can be found in my free time training zoo animals to cry on command (good for fundraisers). I also stand to inherit the cloutier fortune of over $10M dollars.
- What the F? where did the cloutier fortune come from? Sorry gotta go, c ya and I wouldn’t want to be ya. Working class Sucker!
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
RIP-The Big Orange
June 2007
The end of a Club Sub Era is upon us. The Club Sub favorite watering hole has closed filing chapter 7 which apparently is worst than the chapter 11 it filed years ago. Club Sub for years raped and pillaged this establishment so bad it would make the Huns blush. Many memebers have fond memories of the Big Orange. I myself can recall several fond memories/incidents such as:
1) The Hitman stealthly stealing Leslie Neilson's picture off the wall, that pic is now the award for the "Club Sub Poker Tourney" and is currently held by and proudly displayed at Fic's house.
2) Who could forget the beginning of Trivia night: 3 different cards played...1st, 2nd, & 3rd prize won week after week. Yes, we were in Cahoots with "Newman", yes we did get enough winnings for a drunken trip to Montreal, and yes several rule changes were soon to come.
3) The Alleged arson in the bathroom...Alleged.
4) The weekly grafitti left by Frank White in the bathroom...The Scheemer did what to Tina?
5) Several school holiday meetings
6) Several classic sporting events were watched there
7) Bikini Contests
8) Turkey Bowling
9) Spank Bank Memories for years
10) Frank White developed and perfected the "go to the Tape" move
11) Hitman's Dad taught us how a real man eats a wing
12) Scheemer developed and perfected the "Stalker's Ogle"
13) Ward's talked away more girl's than wings eaten by members.
14) Scheemer yelling, "PAULA!!!!!!!!!"
15) a girl named JADE
16) the cast of characters...Torre, Leslie, crooked face, etc.
Memebers please feel free to post your memories and pour out a little for the Big Orange
The end of a Club Sub Era is upon us. The Club Sub favorite watering hole has closed filing chapter 7 which apparently is worst than the chapter 11 it filed years ago. Club Sub for years raped and pillaged this establishment so bad it would make the Huns blush. Many memebers have fond memories of the Big Orange. I myself can recall several fond memories/incidents such as:
1) The Hitman stealthly stealing Leslie Neilson's picture off the wall, that pic is now the award for the "Club Sub Poker Tourney" and is currently held by and proudly displayed at Fic's house.
2) Who could forget the beginning of Trivia night: 3 different cards played...1st, 2nd, & 3rd prize won week after week. Yes, we were in Cahoots with "Newman", yes we did get enough winnings for a drunken trip to Montreal, and yes several rule changes were soon to come.
3) The Alleged arson in the bathroom...Alleged.
4) The weekly grafitti left by Frank White in the bathroom...The Scheemer did what to Tina?
5) Several school holiday meetings
6) Several classic sporting events were watched there
7) Bikini Contests
8) Turkey Bowling
9) Spank Bank Memories for years
10) Frank White developed and perfected the "go to the Tape" move
11) Hitman's Dad taught us how a real man eats a wing
12) Scheemer developed and perfected the "Stalker's Ogle"
13) Ward's talked away more girl's than wings eaten by members.
14) Scheemer yelling, "PAULA!!!!!!!!!"
15) a girl named JADE
16) the cast of characters...Torre, Leslie, crooked face, etc.
Memebers please feel free to post your memories and pour out a little for the Big Orange
Monday, June 04, 2007
Club Sub Member Profile for June, MUD
Filling in for Mr. Mud, who knows he cannot gloss himself, this article submitted by the incredibly talented and fetching human highlight with a keyboard, you guessed it TILT.
In the way of the tragic highway accident, or Lindsay Lohan’s career, Mud has lived a compelling if not quite fascinating existence to this point. Born in the heart of North Providence (not Fatima hospital, he was birthed by a midwife in the basement of the house of Moi) Mud was a bouncing baby boy who showed early promise. By the age of 5 months, he could walk, read, and nail older brother Jim with a slap shot in front of the house from 60 feet.
Mud continued his prodigy by winning the Scripps national spelling bee while in the 2nd grade, for which he received a copy of Webster’s unabridged dictionary, and an afternoon on the set of television’s One Day at a Time, where he was French kissed by Valerie Bertinelli, AND that, 70’s porn start looking, dude who played Schneider. Mud’s burning star status was about to burn out though, because while on set, he stole the pack of cigarettes rolled in Schneider’s t-shirt sleeve, and began a habit that would haunt him for years not to mention ruining the career of what could have been one of our generations finest actors (we miss you Pat Harrington Jr.).
Mud’s accomplishments since this illustrious period, have as they say, paled in comparison, although there have been a few. In 1992, he made the FBI’s most wanted list (#37) for producing over 23,000 phony identifications at Rhode Island College. In 1994, he placed 2nd in a competitive eating contest (beef tongue), and on January 1, 2000, he was voted to Charmin’s all-decade shitting team, for producing the largest, loosest, and most original color turd on day 11 of the contest. Oddly enough, heading into the contest, he had been fasting for weeks.
I ran across this enigma of a man at the opening of Hairspray, at the Providence Performing Arts Center, where he was performing fluffer duties, and what follows is our conversation.
CS: Mister Mud, How goes it?
Mud: mmfblumfphblmphsptewwey! Fine.
CS: Would you tell us, sir, how has being a member of Club Sub influenced your life?
Mud: Well, in the early years, I found the camaraderie, and fellowship to be truly engaging, that and the deals on BMT’s. But as I have grown older, and more experienced, I realized I had no socially desirable qualities to offer the real world, but since I can randomly quote many movies, and lose $50.00 once in a while at Conca’s, I fit right in with this collection of lifeless compadres.
CS: Would you care to comment on the state of America in 2007?
Mud: Gas prices are ridiculous, homes are being foreclosed upon, the greenhouse effect is ripping holes in the ozone layer, and I really don’t care, but when we start to ban trans-fats, that’s going a bit too far, I mean really Why!! Why!!!
CS: How about the war in Iraq?
Mud: Forget about that, I’m too depressed, ever since my mistress, Anna Nicole Smith, passed away, I find myself unable to feel empathy towards the troops, little kids in Ethiopia, or the Ward twins.
CS: Mud, it’s okay, I’m here for you.
Mud: Fuck Off!
CS: You’ve successfully completed a stop smoking campaign, how did you do it?
Mud: At first it was difficult, I craved the nicotine, but I was able to distract myself with constant masturbation. I mean I spanked the little sucker everywhere, in the car, at my desk, while riding the elevator at the hospital when I was going to visit my grandfather, when…
CS: enough, we get the picture.
CS: That is a lovely sweater, who would you say has influenced you style-wise?
Mud: Well Helmut Lang, obviously, I’ve always thought Paul Newman looked classy, and of course Clarence Broadus Jr., better known as SNOOP D-O-Double G, especially the outfits he wore in Starsky & Hutch.
CS: Mud, you are on death row, what are you ordering for your last meal?
Mud: I’ve often asked myself this same question, and I would have to say cucumber sandwiches, mandarin orange slices, and a delicate lemon sorbet.
CS: What’s your philosophy of life?
Mud: I’ve always tried to live my life by one simple rule: A man has 2 things in this world, his balls and his word, and he shouldn’t break them for nobody. Isn’t that three things?
CS: Speaking of balls?
Mud: (ripping off the mic) fuckoff, you people are all the same, every fuckin’ time, its balls, balls, balls, just once I would like to do a fuckin’ interview without you probing my balls.
CS: thank you for your time.
In the way of the tragic highway accident, or Lindsay Lohan’s career, Mud has lived a compelling if not quite fascinating existence to this point. Born in the heart of North Providence (not Fatima hospital, he was birthed by a midwife in the basement of the house of Moi) Mud was a bouncing baby boy who showed early promise. By the age of 5 months, he could walk, read, and nail older brother Jim with a slap shot in front of the house from 60 feet.
Mud continued his prodigy by winning the Scripps national spelling bee while in the 2nd grade, for which he received a copy of Webster’s unabridged dictionary, and an afternoon on the set of television’s One Day at a Time, where he was French kissed by Valerie Bertinelli, AND that, 70’s porn start looking, dude who played Schneider. Mud’s burning star status was about to burn out though, because while on set, he stole the pack of cigarettes rolled in Schneider’s t-shirt sleeve, and began a habit that would haunt him for years not to mention ruining the career of what could have been one of our generations finest actors (we miss you Pat Harrington Jr.).
Mud’s accomplishments since this illustrious period, have as they say, paled in comparison, although there have been a few. In 1992, he made the FBI’s most wanted list (#37) for producing over 23,000 phony identifications at Rhode Island College. In 1994, he placed 2nd in a competitive eating contest (beef tongue), and on January 1, 2000, he was voted to Charmin’s all-decade shitting team, for producing the largest, loosest, and most original color turd on day 11 of the contest. Oddly enough, heading into the contest, he had been fasting for weeks.
I ran across this enigma of a man at the opening of Hairspray, at the Providence Performing Arts Center, where he was performing fluffer duties, and what follows is our conversation.
CS: Mister Mud, How goes it?
Mud: mmfblumfphblmphsptewwey! Fine.
CS: Would you tell us, sir, how has being a member of Club Sub influenced your life?
Mud: Well, in the early years, I found the camaraderie, and fellowship to be truly engaging, that and the deals on BMT’s. But as I have grown older, and more experienced, I realized I had no socially desirable qualities to offer the real world, but since I can randomly quote many movies, and lose $50.00 once in a while at Conca’s, I fit right in with this collection of lifeless compadres.
CS: Would you care to comment on the state of America in 2007?
Mud: Gas prices are ridiculous, homes are being foreclosed upon, the greenhouse effect is ripping holes in the ozone layer, and I really don’t care, but when we start to ban trans-fats, that’s going a bit too far, I mean really Why!! Why!!!
CS: How about the war in Iraq?
Mud: Forget about that, I’m too depressed, ever since my mistress, Anna Nicole Smith, passed away, I find myself unable to feel empathy towards the troops, little kids in Ethiopia, or the Ward twins.
CS: Mud, it’s okay, I’m here for you.
Mud: Fuck Off!
CS: You’ve successfully completed a stop smoking campaign, how did you do it?
Mud: At first it was difficult, I craved the nicotine, but I was able to distract myself with constant masturbation. I mean I spanked the little sucker everywhere, in the car, at my desk, while riding the elevator at the hospital when I was going to visit my grandfather, when…
CS: enough, we get the picture.
CS: That is a lovely sweater, who would you say has influenced you style-wise?
Mud: Well Helmut Lang, obviously, I’ve always thought Paul Newman looked classy, and of course Clarence Broadus Jr., better known as SNOOP D-O-Double G, especially the outfits he wore in Starsky & Hutch.
CS: Mud, you are on death row, what are you ordering for your last meal?
Mud: I’ve often asked myself this same question, and I would have to say cucumber sandwiches, mandarin orange slices, and a delicate lemon sorbet.
CS: What’s your philosophy of life?
Mud: I’ve always tried to live my life by one simple rule: A man has 2 things in this world, his balls and his word, and he shouldn’t break them for nobody. Isn’t that three things?
CS: Speaking of balls?
Mud: (ripping off the mic) fuckoff, you people are all the same, every fuckin’ time, its balls, balls, balls, just once I would like to do a fuckin’ interview without you probing my balls.
CS: thank you for your time.
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