Club Sub Begins Minor League system: Here's our #1 Prospect

5-Year-Old Leaves Day Care, Goes to Hooters

---

DENTON, Texas -- Denton police say a child was able to sneak out of his day-care center without anyone noticing and take a perilous walk that ended at a Hooters restaurant.

The 5-year-old boy reportedly walked out of the Imagination Station day care in the 2300 block of San Jacinto Boulevard on Tuesday afternoon.

Police said he walked a long way in 100-degree heat crossing at least two busy streets.

He went to a Pep Boys, where he swiped some gum, according to a store worker. The boy then hiked to a RaceTrac gas station where he stole a soda, according to investigators.

His walk then led to a Hooters restaurant where employees gave him a coloring book and soda pop to drink and called police.

The child was not hurt and he was released to his father.

Imagination Station would not comment on the situation.

According to the Department of Family and Protective Services, the day care has had several violations including one in April in which inspectors determined that staff was not properly supervising the children.

The state agency is now investigating this case.

WTF????

Speak up
"The power couple is also responsible for inspiring so many other couples, including celebrity couples, to marry more than once. We are so happy to see so many people now choosing to marry multiple times, or renew their vows privately and publicly."
Ex-NBA player Doug Christie, who with wife Jackie, the self-proclaimed "power couple," were married for the 13th time July 8 in Seattle.

Club Sub asked the Christies if they were happy remarrying the same person so many times.

Doug replied, "It's the greatest thing I've ever done"

Seems to me that I've heard that before

Caption contest: Add your own caption contest

"Similar to History's 2nd worst pitch: a muscle bound wrestler from Florida named simply: "Gunderwood"

Hey Nice Car, Gunderwood!!!!!!!!

long standing plans to replace mailmen are now being implemented

Monkeys control a robot arm with thoughts
By Benedict Carey
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Two monkeys with tiny sensors in their brains have learned to control a mechanical arm with just their thoughts, using it to reach for and grab food and even to adjust for the size and stickiness of morsels when necessary, scientists reported on Wednesday.
The report, released online by the journal Nature, is the most striking demonstration to date of brain-machine interface technology. Scientists expect that technology will eventually allow people with spinal cord injuries and other paralyzing conditions to gain more control over their lives.
The findings suggest that brain-controlled prosthetics, while not practical, are at least technically within reach.
In previous studies, researchers showed that humans who had been paralyzed for years could learn to control a cursor on a computer screen with their brain waves and that nonhuman primates could use their thoughts to move a mechanical arm, a robotic hand, a robot on a treadmill or a small vehicle.
The new experiment goes a step further. In it, the monkeys' brains seem to have adopted the mechanical appendage as their own, refining its movement as it interacted with real objects in real time. The monkeys had their own arms gently restrained while they learned to use the added one.
Experts not involved with the study said the findings were likely to accelerate interest in human testing, especially given the need to treat head and spinal injuries in veterans returning from Iraq and Afghanistan.
"This study really pulls together all the pieces from earlier work and provides a clear demonstration of what's possible," said Dr. William Heetderks , director of the extramural science program at the National Institute of Biomedical Imaging and Bioengineering.
Dr. John Donoghue, director of the Institute of Brain Science at Brown University, said the new report was "important because it's the most comprehensive study showing how an animal interacts with complex objects, using only brain activity."
The researchers, from the University of Pittsburgh and Carnegie Mellon University, used monkeys partly because of their anatomical similarities to humans and partly because they are quick learners.
In the experiment, two macaques first used a joystick to gain a feel for the arm, which had shoulder joints, an elbow and a grasping claw with two mechanical fingers.
Then, just beneath the monkeys' skulls, the scientists implanted a grid about the size of a large freckle. It sat on the motor cortex, over a patch of cells known to signal arm and hand movements. The grid held 100 tiny electrodes, each connecting to a single neuron, its wires running out of the brain and to a computer.
The computer was programmed to analyze the collective firing of these 100 motor neurons, translate that sum into an electronic command and send it instantaneously to the arm, which was mounted flush with the left shoulder.
The scientists used the computer to help the monkeys move the arm at first, essentially teaching them with biofeedback.
After several days, the monkeys needed no help. They sat stationary in a chair, repeatedly manipulating the arm with their brain to reach out and grab grapes, marshmallows and other nuggets dangled in front of them. The snacks reached the mouths about two-thirds of the time — an impressive rate, compared with earlier work.
The monkeys learned to hold the grip open on approaching the food, close it just enough to hold the food and gradually loosen the grip when feeding.
On several occasions, a monkey kept its claw open on the way back, with the food stuck to one finger. At other times, a monkey moved the arm to lick the fingers clean or to push a bit of food into its mouth while ignoring a newly presented morsel.
The animals were apparently freelancing, discovering new uses for the arm, showing "displays of embodiment that would never be seen in a virtual environment," the researchers wrote.
"In the real world, things don't work as expected," said the senior author of the paper, Dr. Andrew Schwartz, a professor of neurobiology at the University of Pittsburgh. "The marshmallow sticks to your hand or the food slips, and you can't program a computer to anticipate all of that.
"But the monkeys' brains adjusted. They were licking the marshmallow off the prosthetic gripper, pushing food into their mouth, as if it were their own hand."
The co-authors were Meel Velliste, Sagi Perel, M. Chance Spalding and Andrew Whitford.
Scientists have to clear several hurdles before this technology becomes practical, experts said. Implantable electrode grids do not generally last more than a period of months, for reasons that remain unclear.
The equipment to read and transmit the signal can be cumbersome and in need of continual monitoring and recalibrating. And no one has yet demonstrated a workable wireless system that would eliminate the need for connections through the scalp.
Yet Schwartz's team, Donoghue's group and others are working on all of the problems, and the two macaques' rapid learning curve in taking ownership of a foreign limb gives scientists confidence that the main obstacles are technical and, thus, negotiable.
In an editorial accompanying the Nature study, Dr. John Kalaska, a neuroscientist at the University of Montreal, argued that after such bugs had been worked out, scientists might even discover areas of the cortex that allow more intimate, subtle control of prosthetic devices.
Such systems, Kalaska wrote, "would allow patients with severe motor deficits to interact and communicate with the world not only by the moment-to-moment control of the motion of robotic devices, but also in a more natural and intuitive manner that reflects their overall goals, needs and preferences."

NO HOMO Goes TOO FAR

This shit is too funny

Drunkology

The History of Drunks

Drunkology is the study of the history of drunks. A burgeoning field, it is
now taught at some of the finer institutions in the US, led by Johnson and
Wales. Recently, 60 minutes found a student in one of these "classes", who
is also a member of the secretive Club sub organization, and interviewed
him in order to learn about drunkology and put some recent Club Sub events
in perspective. Here is the interview with that member, who prefers to be
called "Deep Drunk"

1. Reporter: "Deep Drunk: what did you learn most about your experience?"

Deep drunk: "JWU kids smoke tons of weed."

2. Reporter: "Well beyond that, what did you learn about drunkology?"

Deep Drunk: "Oh that. Pretty interesting. I learned about the forms of
drunkenness, and some famous celebrities who fit those descriptions. For
example, under the "happy drunk" profile, ie those people who get happier
and friendlier when drunk, you have such historical luminaries as, well
actually none come to mind right now. Oh yes Nixon, was a happy drunk."

Reporter: "Nixon?

Deep Drunk: "Yes, keep in mind its "happier than they usually were" Other
examples of happy drunks include Priests, Mayor Cicilline, and every gay man
as well. And ARod. The second category are "mean drunks" These are
personalities prone to get meaner with alcohol. Generally this includes
Doctors, Senators, Lesbians and Athletes. Classic studies include: Dr Ruth,
Ted Kennedy and Ellen Degeneres. From the sports world, Billy Martin, the
Mick, Whitey Ford, Lou Pinella, actually the entire Yankee franchise except
for A Rod. Also Dustin Diamond and Sherman Helmsley, were notorious mean
drunks."

Reporter: "You mean Screech and Mr Jefferson?"

Deep Drunk: That's right, in fact Sherman came up with the name Wheezy in a
drunken stupor after drinking 3 bottles of malt liquor, in which he blamed
her for falling ratings and is alleged to have said: "if you don't get in
shape and quit smoking, I'll fire your wheezin ass."

Reporter: " Wow, interesting. Any other observations?"

Deep Drunk: "Yes we also learned about the little known 3rd chromosome that
creates the worst kind of drunk, and we learned the typical profile of that
person."

Reporter: "Please go on, I'm fascinated by the absurdity of this"

Deep Drunk: "The 3rd chromosome is known as the "doom" chromosome. It
strikes about 1 out of 1000 people, though interestingly enough 1 out of 10
Yankee fans and 1 out of 3 postal workers."

Reporter: "My God what would happen if a yankee fan was a postal worker?"

Deep Drunk: "Well we see the results of that constantly whether its the
random post office massacre ie. the phrase "going postal" or the Yankee fan
who "falls" onto the field from the upper balcony.

Reporter: "Interesting and yet good for society. Now what traits do these
people posses?"

Deep Drunk: "Well very similar traits in fact. They are generally front
runners, they like winners like the Cowboys, Yankees, and the Republican
Party. Also they prefer repetitive tasks which is why they are often
fisherman, mailman, chronic masturbators, or sometimes all three. They tend
to be a bit unhappy on the home front, preferring the "good old" days,
though no one is quite sure those days were actually that good.

Reporter: " So could you explain quickly, as my train is coming in and this
is getting tedious, what happens when the "doom" chromosome gets drunk?"

Deep Drunk: "Yes, let me point to some historical events to put this in
context. Lee Harvey Oswald: Cowboy fan, bookstore worker, republican, gets
drunk and kills a president. Bill Parcells, cowboy fan, coach, republican,
gets drunk and throws the Pats superbowl vs the Packers. Ted Kazinsky, aka
the Unabomber, Laker fan, chronic masturbator, fly fisherman, ultra
Republican, gets drunk and blows things up......thru the post office!.
Reverend Wright, Yankee fan, preacher, gets so drunk one day he wakes up and
thinks he's a Republican and attempts to destroy Obama. In Club sub we see
some parallels. Teaching, a repetitive task if there ever was one, is a
breeding ground for "doom" We see some epic doomed decisions from this
crowd. How about the President buying a horse and keeping it indoors, then
telling everyone its actually a dog. And those shirts "that guy" wears. Or
the fact that some members have negative credit scores. Or the fact that one
member hasn't seen a doctor since he was 7, because the last time he went he
got a thermometer in "the bad place" Or the fact that one member bought a
house with a hole in the backyard the size of Rosie Odonnell's vageen. Or
the fact that one member fled to Canada on fears he'd be drafted for this
Iraq war, he's 36. Or the fact that one ex member calls himself Ypac and
claims that Tom Cruise is of mixed Asian decent. Or Yung Flanagan running a
pass route into the pavement. But of all those epic cases of the doom
chromosome causing bad decisions, by far the worst recurring case can be
seen in the Human Rain Delay (HRD). The HRD is worse than Mantle, Mr Jefferson and
Oswald combined. He is rumored to have used his gratuitous phrase "go fuck
your face" at parent teacher night, communion, and a Hanna Montana concert.
His displays at poker tournaments are equally shameful. He is known to show
the whole table his cards, yet still make a bet, because "no one knows what
I'm thinking though". He drinks Scotch in quantities that would make Dudley
Moore cringe. He gets over emotional and crosses into the gay ecstasy zone
of let me hug and kiss you even though you're a guy. He slows down to sloth
type speed, a speed so slow it makes other postal workers envious. He
constantly checks his phone as it blasts the ring tone to Kashmir, though no
one is quite sure who's calling a mailman at 2:00 am on a Saturday night.

Reporter: " Wow well how do you combat that annoying, hideous, farm animal,
hope my kids don't turn out that way but my sister in law's do, type
behavior?"

Deep Drunk: "Well first of all we combat it by only seeing him 4 times a
year, it takes about 3 months to recover. Secondly we combated it by
maintaining a very high entrance exam for his potential admission to club
sub. You know the senior leadership council is often criticized for not
maintaining the same entrance standards for each member. For example one
recent member "just" had to go a day without eating burger king (though for
this member this was actually a herculean task). Whereas HRD's hurdle would
appear to be higher. However after all we've just discussed on his doom
chromosome, which by the way is a recessive gene, what better entrance exam
than to prevent any further Doom carriers to populate the earth.

Reporter: "Wait are you saying what I think you're saying?"

Deep Drunk: "Yes, his entrance exam was to get a vasectomy."

Reporter: "And there you have it folks, drunkology, its current forms,
traits, and a frightening secretive cult type organization that requires a
vasectomy to enter. However uncivilized, archaic or barbaric that may seem,
I must say that in this case, its probably deserved because frankly, that
HRD sounds like a big douche bag.

I'm Ed Bradley signing off for 60 minutes and yes I'm dead and that old man
Mike Wallace outlived me. He drinks the blood of young puppies I tell you!

Club Sub NBA Tourney

Member Team Record

Hitman-
Boston 16-10
Toronto 1-4
Dallas 1-4
TOTAL WINS= 18-18

DaPrez-
Lakers 14-7
Orlando 5-5
Washington 2-4
TOTAL WINS= 21-16

Yung Flanigan-
Detroit 10-7
Cleveland 7-6
Houston 2-4
TOTAL WINS = 19-17

That Guy-
NO 7-6
Utah 6-6
Philly 2-4
TOTAL WINS = 15-16

Scheemer-
San Antonio 9-8
Phoenix 1-4
Denver 0-4
TOTAL WINS = 10-16

Club Sub notes the top 10 Principles of Chili's restaurants

Top 10:

1. We will deliver bad food, slowly
2. Smells bad tastes worse, its the fajita!
3. The customer always comes first, unless we're involved in a really good conversation.
4. The male staff members would like to stab u with their member.
5. The tv's will be perfectly viewable from precisely one seat.
6. Speak softly, because staff will be eavesdropping
7. The ratio of employees to customers is surprisingly high given how poor our service is.
8. The manager is always a middle aged underachiever, with a headset on. It is unplugged.
9. There aren't many rules at Chili's, but entering thru the takeout door is
strictly prohibited.
10. All of this outweighed by free chips and salsa, which make us come back.

Redacted/Retracted, either way Mailman’s candidacy for Club Sub on the rocks, Delegates Split

RI- News from this small irrelevant state, a split in the Club Sub Super Delegates has seriously hampered the candidacy of the Mailman, i.e. Newman, i.e Clavine, i.e Monkey Work. Four Super delegates, previously have split 2-2 on whether to continue to allow the Mailman to shirk his responsibilities for his initiation.

Said the VP: this is all under the guise of his new “baby”, however we all know he and his wife don’t sleep together. The fact that this baby likes soccer, plays poker poorly and talks with a fake English accent also has me wondering.”

The Schemer took a different view, saying, “this is not dissimilar to the Beer Hall Putsch in Nazi Germany in 1923. Who are we to stop what the people want.” “Can I get a large tank ice coffee, black?”

The President: could not be reached for comment as he’s currently breast feeding his dog, taking the gall bladder out of his baby, and house training his wife, or something like that.

The Hitman: also could not be reached as he’s been sick now for 17 straight years, however he is hoping to “ drink his way out of it on Friday”

Meanwhile, other shocking developments in the scandal have arisen. Footage of the Mailman’s alleged Spiritual Advisor, only known as The Mayo, has appeared on You tube. The footage appears to show an inebriated Mayo breaking into the Roger Williams Zoo, and then videotaping a comparison of his member with a number of different zoological creatures. He was quoted as saying: “Monkeys, Lions, those things that are half sheep half goat, I’ve got them all beat, but who would have known that Old security guard was so well hung”.

Additionally his anti club sub rhetoric was also taped. Comments included:

• “Club sub brought miller lite into the inner cities and ghettos. Think about it, who benefits?”
• “Club Sub poker players are greedy loud mouth idiots who will play anything at any time.”
• “I can live on Rice a Roni and Vodka, can’t you ?”

Breaking news: the Mailman has just been quoted as saying: “no more baby problems, I’m getting snipped”. The super delegates are now huddling. They’ve come out of conference……. It’s unamimous! He’s been thrown out pending further news!

Proud Papa Makes all of us his Bitches

Ho-hum. Just another day for the Terminator. Wife has a kid, he wins a poker tourney. This getting pretty damn boring.

"I never had any doubt about it," he says. "It was the best day of my week, that's for sure."

Hmm...How about the day when your daughter was born? It occurred in the past week.

"Well that was great obviously. But I mean in the Gregorian calendar week, which begins each week on Sundays. If we were going by fiscal week, then I would have to say it was the second best day of the week. But I don't think ClubSub goes by fiscal week. [ to Frank White] Do we go by fiscal week?"

"Do you even know what 'fiscal' means?" asks Frank.

Wordsmith or not, once again, the Terminator had to fend off a strong field, and for the second straight tourney, he was forced to face off with Mud heads-up for the cash and the bragging rights. However, a deal was brokered whereby Mud got his entry fee back. This type of deal is unusual for the champion, but since the format (winner take all) screws those who come in second, the recent winner of the V Classic was feeling charitable.

"I figured it was easier. I wouldn't have to hear him bitch and moan."

But the Terminator didn't realize what he was getting as part of the deal- he must now chase down Florida Boy for the $14 that he was unable to contribute due to Florida Boy's being located in Florida, and due to Florida Boy's legal troubles (he was named in the Mitchell report), so it's unlikely that the champ will ever see that $$.

The field fought hard- an aggressive blind structure (it appears that we finally have it figured out) was key in making this tournament flow quickly. First out was The Rat, who scared the bejesus out of all of us by going out in the yard to play catch (Rat has a fake leg, and he is not too stable on it).

Who did Rat play catch with? Read my newest feature:

"Mud's Bad Beat of the Day!"

This award goes to Da Prez. DaPrez pushed all in against The Schemer, and at the time, both players had pretty large stacks. Schemer did have him covered though, and called Da Prez's all-in. Da Prez had Rockets, Schemer had the fish hooks.

Flop was useless- no help to either. But Da Turn killed Da Prez. JACK. Schemer wins with trips, and we all won, 'cuz Da Prez went on tilt like you read about. The kids were sent outside, and Da Prez went on an obscenity tear that was quite impressive.

"&%$@@$%^*(^#@#@#^&$^#%#," said Da Prez. " sonuva$%^#$%^ slutbag."

After that, players began to fall more rapidly. Next to go was the host, Tilt, who put out an impressive spread with excellent sliders, fantastic meatballs & sauce, and enough Chex Mix to feed Europe for a couple of days. However, his cards weren't nearly as good, and out he went. Special thanks to Tilt for hosting and putting out the spread- excellent as usual.

Next out was That Guy, and it was unremarkable, as indicated by the fact that I can't remember who knocked him out. Just like That Guy...

Newest probationary member AC (he is so new that he does not have a title yet) went out next. He had a great hand, but was drawing dead and didn't know it...Poor bastard.

Hit Man was clipped next. Fortunately for him, a side game developed which allowed him to play cards and eat meatballs and gravy out of a cup for some reason (plates were available, butt lick!)

Finally the Schemer succumbed to the bad karma he created when he beat DaPrez. Beaten down by the blinds, he ended up being all in with 3-7 or some shitty hand like that...Fortunately, he has a big penis, which keeps him happy.

The final four gathered around the table. Sloppy kept telling everyone it was great that he was losing so that he could make his hockey game. He said it so much that WE ALL wanted to lose to go to his hockey game.....Or we just wanted him to leave, I'm not sure which...
Unfortunately for Mr. Gretzky here, JT fell next (Terminator got him), so Sloppy had to stick around for a bit...

But he soon went down to Terminator, who now had about 19,000 in chips. Mud, who had about 1,000 (which was the big blind), folded his way to the final two yet again.

What happened next was certainly quite odd...Mud, showing the business savvy that can only be described as "Mexican", sensed he held all of the bargaining power, and made an egregiously one-sided offer to Terminator. Here is how it came to pass that the final 2 were never dealt a hand.

"Tell you what," said Mud, making it sound like he was making a concession to Terminator, "You give me my $21 entry fee back and we will call it even."
Terminator, who was excited to get home to be with his family, agreed.

The lesson is this: Mud and Terminator, shall, under NO circumstances, ever be allowed to run a business, together or seperately, or make any kind of investment without assistance.

The final order:
11. Rat
10. Da Prez
9. Tilt
8. That Guy
7. AC
6. Hit Man
5. Schemer
4. JT
3. Sloppy
2. Mud
1. Terminator

And the Oscar goes to Andrew, who "injured" his ankle playing basketball and limped around the rest of the day. What was interesting was that he forgot which ankle he hurt from time to time, leading to him limping on different and/or both legs. We'll put it down to the shock, kid.

And sincere Congrats to Terminator and Mrs. Terminator on the birth of A.L.!!
All the best to the family.

Good night, and good luck.

Another Epic "V" Classic

"There's only one place I'd rather be- French Lick."- Larry Legend

The Legend would have been proud. The greatest basketball player of all time was praised over and over as the V Classic continued to be one of the premier invitation-only poker events to be played on December 31 near the prisons. Players came from far and wide- some from as far away as East Providence- to test their mettle on the world's most difficult stage.

"Thank you all for coming. There is bakery pizza and cocktails on the counter," said the host, as players began to filter to their seats. "Once you are eliminated, you must shoot 10 free throws, and the person who makes the most out of 10 will receive a shitty prize," added big V.

This tournament has a history of strange things happening, such as Florida Boy and JT being the final 2, going heads-up last year. JT won in 2006, but '07 would be a tougher road to hoe, as he arrived late and was already damaged by the blinds by the time he sat down. The strangeness continued this year. One of the favorites going into the event, the Veep, was eliminated on the very first hand by That Guy. His trip nines couldn't overcome That Guy's trip Queens. Even more strangely, AC and DaPrez didn't really go on tilt at all today, disappointing the rest of the players, who were hoping for F bombs and cards flying around.

But a lot of the usual things happened- True to form, Sloppy brought a sack of Burger King and a gigantic Tim Horton's Iced Coffee, which he promptly spilled all over the place.

"What an asshole," said the host, while scurrying for paper towels, "but don't quote me." OK, we won't.

The Blind structure (blinds went up every 23 minutes, in honor of MJ) caused many players to deviate from their normal play. Tight play was not rewarded, and agressiveness ruled the day. After an hour of play, 4 players were already eliminated. And that was just the beginning.

While this was going on, a side game developed in the basement, on a ping-pong table. This was exactly what the doctor ordered for the Veep, as he was sitting with his thumb up his ass for a couple of hours and needed to find a way to win back his entry fee. Dealing was a challenge on this table, and after several hands, they realized they could take down the net. This streamlined play significantly.

Back to the tournament- About 2 hours in, the final table was decided. Those left were Big V, Lou D, DaPrez, Terminator, Mud, 'Lil Bastard, Joe G, and That Guy. It was at this point that the biggest single event in the history of poker occurred.

Faced with a short stack, Mud went all in with K-10 offsuit. Terminator called with an Ace. Terminator caught 2 pair on the flop, while Mud caught a King. Terminator had 2 pair, Mud had a pair of Kings. Mud needed runner-runner to stay alive. The turn? a King. The River? a 10. Full boat. Mud stayed alive. Terminator should have been sitting pretty, but was outdrawn, even though he was a huge favorite at that point. Fortunately, he had a big enough chip stack to survive it. And this would not be the last time that these two gladiators would square off.

Players continued to fall. DaPrez bowed out in 4th place, which was in the money- sort of. He won $28, even though the entry fee was $33 for a net loss of $5. However, 3 of the 4 money spots were claimed by Club Sub members- another good showing.

'Lil Bastard got knocked out by Mud, who became the chip leader, with only he and Terminator left to go heads-up for all of the marbles.

It was then that things got interesting. Both players had had several beers, and lost track of the blinds and the dealer button. In an effort to clarify things, Joe G (who had polished off a double bottle of Yellow Tail cabernet sauvignon) jumped in to assist with the dealing and promptly fucked everything up even worse, as his lower lip was purple and was a distraction. He looked (and acted) like he had just drank a whole lot of the grape Kool-Aid at Jonestown. Fortunately for all involved, V and also Mrs V would periodically show up and inform us we were doing it all wrong, and then leave. Most helpful.

The players and the inebriated dealer were able to fight thru this adversity, and, on a few different occasions, nearly struck a deal to chop the final winnings. But Terminator put the kibash on that.

Chips went back and forth. Each player became chip leader after every hand. Back and forth, forth and back. Topsy or turvy, turvy or topsy. Finally, Mud pushed all in and Terminator called. Terminator's hand held up- and it was over.

"This is the greatest poker victory of all time," said an obviously elated Terminator. "For me to fight thru adversity like that and not choke- I'm very proud of me."

So is Larry Legend.

Box Score:
Starting on Hearts Table: Lou, Rat, That Guy, Terminator, Veep, AC, 'Lil Bastard, DV

Satrting on Spades Table: V, Mud, DaPrez, BC, Sloppy, Clapp, Joe G, JT.

Final Table: Mud, V, Terminator, DaPrez, That Guy, 'Lil Bastard, Joe G, Lou D.

Final Placement:
16th- Veep
15th- DV
14th- BC
13th- Sloppy
12th- Rat
11th- JT
10th- Clap
9th- AC
8th- Lou D
7th- Big V
6th- That Guy
5th- Joe G
4th- DaPrez ($)
3rd- 'Lil Bastard ($)
2nd- Mud ($)
1st- Terminator ($)
$- indicates a finish in the money.

Free throws- DV, 7 for 10.

Mud's Subjective FF Analysis

Well folks, the regular season has ended for the CS FF league,which means that for 8 of us, there is nothing left to live for. Well, rejoice fellow suckfest attendees! I'm here to provide my review and grades for each team in our league. Remember, this is completely subjective, and if y'all don't dig it, then go to Hell.

The Real Deal:
DaPrez, 11-3 (A)
Great season for DaPrez. Second in total points scored, and only 2 teams had more points scored against them. However, several key players may see bench time in the next 2 weeks, which does not bode well for the playoffs.

Points, points, points:
W Boys, 9-5 (B+)
An absolute offensive juggernaut. Overall points leader- set a single week record for points in week 9 against Team Mud. And more importantly, their key players are on teams that are playing the last 2 weeks for their playoff lives. They could be the last one standing when all is said and done.

One and done:
Destroyers, 8-6 (B)
This team is not built for the playoffs. Solid regular season, but bye-bye Destroyers. See you in August.

We were really pulling for you, pal:
Team Florida 8-6 (B)
Despite nearly drafting themselves into the cellar, Team Florida management did a great job throughout the season and was narrowly shoved out of the playoffs in a tiebreaker. I personally am happy for Team Florida management, who relentlessly got their cojones broke in the past 2 seasons. Way to send a message. You beat the snot out of Team Mud. Great job, G.

You have no business being in the playoffs. I think there is some "business' going on up in here:
The Convicts 10-4 (A+)
This team scored the sixth-fewest total points, yet somehow got a #2 seed. NO teams had fewer points scored against them. I think that since it's the Commish team, some rules may have been interpreted "loosely" to benefit them, which is why they get an A+ grade. Good work. Not only that, they limped in by not scoring more than 15 points in the last 3 weeks. Good luck in the playoffs, where you will face the highest-scoring team in the league. You are the Jets to the W's Pats this week. And you're a stinky, diarrhea-filled toilet. One love, homey.

The completely unremarkables:
The Schemers 7-7 (C+)
Had the best quarterback in the history of mankind, yet was completely and utterly mediocre. It would help to own a computer. Snatched defeat from the jaws of victory several times. But of course, a rookie in this league...Look for big things next year.

The Warriors 6-8 (D)
I don't have much to say. Won big in the final week when the season was already decided. Peaked a bit too late, I guess. And this guy is a coach. God help CF.

Hot Corner 7-7 (C-)
This one scored the second fewest points in the league and ended up .500. That's good work. Or good luck. Or something. Should have been 5-9. Watch out if he figures out how to score next season.

Fat Twins on Bikes 6-7-1 (D-)
Can't believe the Randy Moss trade. That alone gets you the D-. Wait until he finds out that he can't keep Stephen Jackson since he was kept last year (I don't know if there is a rule about this- I'm just trying to stir the pot).

Simply awful:
The Fighting Amish 4-10 (F+)
I just don't know what to say. Started out real strong via "automatic draft" but quickly fell into disrepair once he actually started managing the team. Next season, let the computers do the work for you.

Captain Morgan Men 4-10 (F)
Let's look at a stat for the defending champ:
Fewest points scored. 'Nuff said. Defense does not win FF leagues. Not only did he score the fewest points, but the team that scored the next fewest (our Amish friends) outscored him by nearly 10 points per week.

And finally...

Oh, cruel fate! Why do you mock me?
or
The "Woe is me" file
Team Mud 3-10-1 (F-)
This team was slapped around more than the woman who started to freak out in Airplane! Teams were drooling when they saw that they were playing Team Mud. I make no excuses, and gave myself the worst grade because i was the worst team. However, let's do some statistical analysis here.
#9 in total points scored (that's right, i outscored 3 teams)
#12 in total points scored against. The team that had the next highest points-against total had 199 fewer points scored against them, which means that teams scored 14 more points per week against me. That's like having an extra player.
#1 in rapes by Running Backs. Thanks Mr. Alexander. Next time, use lube.

My final note:
Good luck to all in the playoffs. As always, a very fun year. I look forward to next sesaon, and Merry Christmas to all of you and your families.
My new favorite web clip:
www.collegeslackers.com/video/597

Ding fries are done!

Club Sub Prayer

Club Sub Member Profile of the Month: Big Sloppy

Editor's Note: The member profile of the month has slacked of late, but it's not entirely my fault. The latest marketing campaign that management has employed, called "Join Club Sub and We'll Do You in the Ass", hasn't been as successful as anticipated, and there aren't many new members to write about. But somehow, Big Sloppy fell through the cracks (no pun intended), so we're getting him on the record.

From the beginning of time, Man has ceaselessly pursued the art of perfection. From the advent of usable fire, to the invention of heavy weaponry, to the everyday use of technology that as recently as 20 years ago seemed unattainable. Despite these efforts, perfection has always seemed out of reach- a carrot no man could catch up to- though seemingly in our grasp, it has eluded Man to the point that it has driven some of the most genius of our species to the brink of insanity and beyond.

Which leads us to one man...A man who will not understand the previous paragraph..A man who single-handedly raised the value of Burger King stock $.37 cents per share during a 3-week span in August '06...A man who is criticized by the fellow members of his organization for a weak initiation ritual...A man who will be forever known for the "Dante Hall Incident"...A man who will simply be known to all as "Big Sloppy".

I sat down with this man to try to understand what makes him tick. What I found was unfathomable on so many levels that I had to change my pants twice.

CSB: Let's cut to the chase. I was not aware that "White Slavery" was even on the books as a crime anymore.
BS: Me neither. It's a [expletive] charge. Skankery is an art, and it's a shame that the Man feels a need to pull rank here. Don't hate the player, hate the...
CSB (interrupting): Yeah, yeah, whatever. We've all heard the line. Now let's talks about sacks of burgers...
BS: You got some?
CSB: No, we just want to talk about them. How many burgers usually per bag?
BS: It varies..Normally 2-3 if they are smaller burgers, but I'll usually do a couple Whoppers and an order of fries and the biggest iced coffee i can get my hands on. I was a Bess Eaton fan, but Tim Horton's isn't too bad. But I've been hitting up D&D lately.
CSB: Does it bother you that you are perceived as a degenerate gambler?
BS: I am?
CSB: Moving on...How has becoming a Club Sub member changed your life?
BS: It's afforded me influence that I couldn't imagine living without. Because of my membership, I have acheived greatness that I could only dream about. It's a fact that other players at poker tournaments will fold pots to me because they know who I roll with.
CSB: Is it true that your affiliation with Club Sub was responsible for your muscling in on the Woonsocket Co-Ed CYO softball organization?
BS: Those frogs never saw it coming. I ousted Roland with the "offer he couldn't refuse" trick. I told him that either his signature or the condiments from my Double Cheeseburger would end up on the paper. He signed it...Wouldn't you? There were pickles on it.
CSB: How many clipboards do you own?
BS: 17 at last count...But I'm always checking the Staples & Office Depot fliers in the Sunday paper for deals. You can never have enough.
CSB: Are you now settling down with one woman?
BS: C'mon now...You know I can't answer that.
CSB: But her family is a prominent sponsor of...
BS: NEXT [expletive] QUESTION, you FAT piece of [expletive].
CSB: Who is the most important member of your softball team?
BS: What the Hell kinda question is that? No one else is organized enough to run that show. You know damn well who it is.
CSB: So you are saying that it's you?
BS: Of course it's me. Who buys the loaded bat? Who pulls out the most obsure rules at the most opportune times? Who insists that we play at a field with a short porch so that we can hit copious amounts of home runs?
CSB: "Copious" equals 5?
BS: Admittedly it didn't work out last year. Terminator hit 3 in one game...Highlight of the season. But because of that bat we made it to the playoffs.
CSB: Actually, we made it to the play-in game, which we won...But we ended up facing the softball equivalent of the 1992 Duke basketball team and got killed.
BS: True, but it was a step in the right direction for us.
CSB: Are you at all concerned that Hitman, since he holds seniority and higher status in the Club Sub organization, will attempt to oust you as manager of the softball team?
BS: Bring it on. I'll do him in the ass.
CSB: Actually that marketing campaign has been pulled.
BS: Oh, really? I guess that makes sense.
CSB: Thanks for your time. This interview is over.
BS: OH YEAH???? WELL, THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER! (flips table, storms away)
CSB: I already said that.
BS: (walking away) OK, well give my best to the family then.

Club Sub leads Pats' Attack vs Cowboys, Pavement attacks Flanagan

Club Sub leads Pats Attack vs Cowboys, Pavement attacks Flanagan

(note this blog was delayed as the writer did not have full use of his hands until 4 pm today.)

Dallas- The Annual Fall Club Sub football trip was a rousing success as the boys (club sub boys not cowboys) cheered their team on to a perfect 6-0 mark. The term Fall in this trip refers to more than the time of year. First however some highlights:

• Best line of the trip: the anti Ward, Clap, with this line out of nowhere: After Osama told us we’d be paying 13$ extra for his cab due to 7 people in it, and after he then sped over a vicious Texas sized speed bump, Clap uttered the immortal: “now you can use the $13 bucks to fix your fucking muffler”
• Best eating display: Club Sub takes down 100 wings (minus 5 on the floor) at buffalo wild wings
• Most used lines:
  • 1. “Down, and to the left” said numerous times at Dealey plaza.
  • 2. “That’s ok, we know how you treat guests from the Northeast, we just left Dealey plaza” (Flanagan to numerous Texans)
  • (side note - best comeback to #2: “he should have sped up the limo”
  • 3. “Fuck the Cowboys”
  • 4. “Fuck you hillbillies”
  • 5. “How could he put Gagne in?”
  • 6. “How many wings would Mud have eaten?”
  • 7. “I’m tapping out” Fic announcing he’d be going to bed after a night of booze and poker, and after he was already sleeping for 2 hours on the couch.
  • 8. “I have a confession to make, I used your toothbrush… again” Scheemer to yung Flanagan
  • 9. “what color toothbrush should I buy that you won’t mistake? Flanagan to Scheemer
  • 10. “Get a toy one like Winnie the pooh or something” Scheemer to Flanagan.
  • 11. Good morning Crash: Dan V to Flanagan, day of departure.
• The “you spoke to soon award” to Big Sloppy: “I keep hearing about Fic and Flanagan and haven’t seen anything”
• The “ keep pushing even after you’re done award” to Fic for announcing that there was a chance we could have gotten private box tickets from his wifes cousin who is a big shot at 7 UP
• The 2^nd best Clap quote award: “Fic let’s see if your cousin is working”-after the van passed a 7 Eleven
• Pregame notes: arriving before sunrise, Club sub was pumped from the start, with eats, drinks and football keeping all entertained. Locals began arriving, seemingly with their houses hitched to their ford chevy trucks. They take “this is our country” serious btw. Full screen tvs, Dish satellites, aquariums and lawnmowers (ok I made the last 2 up) were everywhere in the parking lot. Additionally there was a clear hatred toward the patriots, visible by the following:
  • 1. The Tom Brady dummy hanging in effigy wearing a dress
  • 2. the sign on the 1 port a potty in the parking lot (thanks jerry jones you big spender) that said: Patriots locker room
  • 3. the signs hinting that belichek cheats, each one consistently misspelling belichek
• The game began with our national anthem, sung by a hillbilly. With the crowd at attention, quiet and respectful, Billy Ray Cyrus gave the typical pause after the OH Say can you see…which was filled by yung flanagan’s scream “T.O. SUCKS!” which did not go over well with the locals.
• The game was very exciting though marred by the halftime display in which Dallas recognized Michael Irving for something other than being a criminal. During this sham, he referred to having 3 key things, to which Flanagan, unrepentant after his Anthem incident, screamed: yeah “A Bag, A razor, and Cocaine” this also did not go over well
• It was at some point in the 2^nd half after the Patriots pulled away that things turned heated, as the Hitman entered into a verbal match with one Cleetus A. Cleetus, who with one foot and a flight of stairs separating them, invited the Hitman into the parking lot for what one could only assume would have been then end of Cleetus’s life. Or the HitMan getting shot.
• It was also at this time that Flanagan finally came up with a retort for the hillbilly who was ringing the cowbell 5 rows in front of us. “For whom the bell tolls Hillbilly, it tolls for thee!” Surprisingly this did not go over well. It led to the Hitman admonishing Flanagan, not about the comment but for saying that Edgar Allen Poe wrote the book rather than Heminway. It then led to a cowboy fan taking umbrage at being called a hillbilly yet knowing that Edgar Allen Poe was from Baltimore, not from Providence, as proclaimed by Flanagan. Ah the pen is mightier than the sword.

We all left together, no fights, more celebrating, and that was the end of a great trip!

Oh alright already. Flanagan either started running in circles or was running a pass route, depending on who you listen too. What is incontrovertible is that he had no ability to walk, run, or run in circles. In the greatest case of cosmic justice since the Last Seinfeld episode, Flanagan, who was never touched by a cowboy fan, face planted in the pavement. In even more irony, he has to make 2 presentations this week and read at a wedding. In even more irony, all right fuck it I’m a dick.

After this incident and recovery, the morale of this tale has not been lost on Flanagan. For future trips he is absolutely positively going to buy a novelty toothbrush.

Great trip everyone! Hope to be re invited some year.

Report" DaPrez Used "banned techniques" in Club Sub Football Contests

CANTON, OH (Associated Press)- According to unnamed league sources, DaPrez used "banned techniques" this season in at least one contest. Further elaboration was not provided.

This latest charge of impropreity levied against DaPrez comes just a week after he was suspended from his local men's basketball team for buggery. Charges are pending in that incident which involved an ox, a summer squash, and a pepperoni and cheese calzone (without tomato sauce).

While the actual actions have not been identified, unnamed league sources indicate that he "has acheived significant success while employing the use of banned techniques". The source went on to say that this [expletive] has been cheating. The extent is which is not known at this time. An investigation is pending."

"He was spying on other coaches," adds The Rat, from his hospital bed. "The bastard sent me flowers, and I found a small camera in it. It's no shock really, when you consider that I put up a million points last week and he put up a million and one to beat me. He HAD to have been cheating."

"It was more than flowers," adds That Guy. "The Club Sub logo on the official mugs is actually a device that allows him to spy on us and brainwash us. Fortunately, I was de-programmed by Michael Jackson while in Intercourse, Pennsylvania. Shamon! Hee, hee, hee. OOOOOOOHHHHHH" singing "I want to love you PYT Pretty Young Thing..."

The Commisioner's Office, in statement, did indicate that further comment would noty be forthcoming, although the League Office did comment on a possible steroid issue involving Team Florida.

"The Commissioner has no comment on alleged impropreity on the part of Club Sub members. However, we will comment on non-members, and the juicer will pay. The League Office at this time is proud to announce that Team Florida has been suspended from postseason play, although this sanction does appear to be unnecessary. That said, we can only deal with one scandal per week, and the juice issue is top priority right now. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go and give oral sex to DaPrez, er i mean, 'I have a meeting'- Hitman."

"No [expletive] comment," said DaPrez, reached at his vacation home, curiously called "The Brown House". "I said I have no [expletive] comment for any of you [expletive]. You can [expletive] your [ expletive] with a [expletive] [expletive] on your [expletive] Uncle's birthday and [expletive] a calzone [expletive] with his [expletive] LaDanian Tomlinson [expletive] solar plexus."

Club Sub Site of the Month just in time for Football

http://www.profootballtalk.com/photo.htm

President and First Lady Proudly Welcome Baby Girl; Toddler whups Jenna Bush in Spelling Bee at 11 hours old

AP- After convincingly beating Jenna Bush in the Spelling Bee portion of a special "Prez v. Prez Family Contest Day", The First Daughter immediately called for the removal of US Troops from Iraq and criticized the Bush administration for its handling of the Karl Rove-Valerie Plame-Scooter Libby scandal. The 11-hour-old caused quite a stir with her comments, which ended when doctors took her away to cut the cord. DaPrez reports that mom, dad, and baby are doing well.

The First Parents are thrilled with this turn of events, which came on the heels of a special congratulatory letter from Rhode Island College president John Nazarian, in which Nazarian has issued "special acceptance" to the First Daughter as part of RIC's class of 2026.


Potential Brady-DaPrez link?
The well-wishes are pouring in. Published reports indicate that Patriots QB Tom Brady was so enamored with the concept of his son-to-be sharing a birthday with the First Daughter that he forced former girlfriend Bridget Moynahan to give birth a few days early. Brady sent his best wishes to DaPrez, along with an 8x10 color photo of he and current girlfriend Giselle having sex and a check for $62.15.

Other ClubSub Presidential news

While resting comfortbaly after his ordeal (mother and daughter are doing well and were extremely supportive of DaPrez while he did all of the hard work and cheered them on), DaPrez issued several decrees, as part of his usual weekly "Time to make new rules!" segment. They are:

- No more "Stripper Pole" jokes at ClubSub-sanctioned events

- The price of milk should be lowered to $2.49/gallon

- Tits to Win!

- A special condemnation of Michael Vick's actions. However, Ron Mexico's #7 jersey has been retired. Conveniently, this jersey number is the same as The Rat, who had his leg ripped from his body last week, but was still far and away the funniest SOB at the ClubSub FF draft (more to come on this). We're retiring #7 for everybody.

- Sunday is "Beer, Football, & Softball Day".

Editor's Note: All kidding aside- sincere congrats go out to DaPrez and First Lady on the birth of The First Daughter. Big Props to all of you from your ClubSub family (and presumably from your real families, but they did not immediately respond to voice mails. But I would guess that they would congratulate you as well).

Can U Say ROIDS??????