Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Saturday, November 14, 2009
SAW VII (Jigsaw vs The November 9 IDIOTS)
Saw Part 7 just arrived in the movie theaters. Jigsaw in traditional fashion, sets out to kill the November 9 Idiots by having them each face their biggest sin. Here is a recap. Live or Die November 9.
1. Red Face Satan awoke bound to a tanning bed in North Providence. The twist, Red Faced Satan has to choose between having his skin dyed white ala Sammy Sosa style, and keep his eyes, or keep his tan and have the booth turned directly on to his eyes, the last part of him that aren't red, (except when he's drinking, so most of the time). Forced to choose, today Red Faced Satan is still tan, but is led around by a red Irish setter seeing eye dog named "Asshole Keith". When asked how blindness would affect his poker game, he said: "not at all, never looked at my cards before anyway, now watch your feet Asshole Keith’s gotta piss and I haven't had time to train the fuck yet. You know I neutered him myself, by the way-there’s some blood on your shoes."
2. APO 2,3, and 4.
The APO's awoke strapped to the conveyor belt at the Post office. For years they laughed at the mail, holding back magazines, important documents, and flyers from Grossmans Bargain Outlets. ( Holding back those flyers led to Home Depot and Lowe's growth and Grossman's demise, but thats another story. ) Now they must choose, deliver the mail on time, or lose their fingers, which were so instrumental in discarding mail. Today the brothers still work at the post office, but have to be driven around for their routes. Amazingly enough their “magt” ratio that the Post office keeps (mail actually gets there) improved, even though they are unable to open a mailbox or hold a letter.
5. Leyritz awoke strapped in the drivers seat of a taxi on a friday night in providence. He can choose to drive drunk fools around all night while remaining sober, or attending one social function to which he’s invited. Today Leyritz is still driving cab, noting that when passengers are really drunk, he can sometimes inhale their breathing for a second hand “air drink” high.
6. The brothers grim woke up on stage at Twin River with an audience full of people in the theater. Both brothers sat in a chair, with a microphone. The brothers however could not speak, as their mouths were taped shut. Their hands were tied as well, with one finger free. They could use this finger to press a button, Their decision: turn down an audience full of people on “open mike” night, or risk losing a dollar. Today the brother's recall the night they "brought down the house" telling stories with no ending, though complaining that they really could have used that dollar.
7. The Cancer Stick: since he already has cancer, it was hard for Jigsaw to really fuck with him. He got a pass.
8. Mr Spicoli, proud of both his weed smoking and genitalia, woke up at Narragansett beach, buried naked in sand up to his neck. Around him were kids everywhere, on his left and right sides, they disregarded his fake sand castle and trampled his giant “stay away someone’s here” towel. In front of his face, a giant bong with the world’s rarest and best grade weed. His decision, leave the hole, naked, in front of the kids, and take the bong. In doing so he’d never be able to return to the Narragansett beach again. Or he could wait till nightfall when the kids finally left, but by then the surf would have taken the bong out to sea. Today Mr Spicoli can be found on the beach at Lincoln woods, and can be seen on reruns of “To catch a predator” because hundreds of kids have scarred memories of a loud naked bronzed man with a pepperoni stick dangling between his legs furiously digging himself out of the sand.
> 9. “Fort Hood ain’t Nothin” awoke with a what he thought was a skull cap on, but was actually a yarmulke. His decision, to have the yarmulke permanently implanted into his scalp, or to stop harassing women. When offered this choice, Fort Hood stumped Jigsaw by choosing to die, which was not one of the options. Jigsaw then realized he had just been outwitted, and walked away muttering to himself.
1. Red Face Satan awoke bound to a tanning bed in North Providence. The twist, Red Faced Satan has to choose between having his skin dyed white ala Sammy Sosa style, and keep his eyes, or keep his tan and have the booth turned directly on to his eyes, the last part of him that aren't red, (except when he's drinking, so most of the time). Forced to choose, today Red Faced Satan is still tan, but is led around by a red Irish setter seeing eye dog named "Asshole Keith". When asked how blindness would affect his poker game, he said: "not at all, never looked at my cards before anyway, now watch your feet Asshole Keith’s gotta piss and I haven't had time to train the fuck yet. You know I neutered him myself, by the way-there’s some blood on your shoes."
2. APO 2,3, and 4.
The APO's awoke strapped to the conveyor belt at the Post office. For years they laughed at the mail, holding back magazines, important documents, and flyers from Grossmans Bargain Outlets. ( Holding back those flyers led to Home Depot and Lowe's growth and Grossman's demise, but thats another story. ) Now they must choose, deliver the mail on time, or lose their fingers, which were so instrumental in discarding mail. Today the brothers still work at the post office, but have to be driven around for their routes. Amazingly enough their “magt” ratio that the Post office keeps (mail actually gets there) improved, even though they are unable to open a mailbox or hold a letter.
5. Leyritz awoke strapped in the drivers seat of a taxi on a friday night in providence. He can choose to drive drunk fools around all night while remaining sober, or attending one social function to which he’s invited. Today Leyritz is still driving cab, noting that when passengers are really drunk, he can sometimes inhale their breathing for a second hand “air drink” high.
6. The brothers grim woke up on stage at Twin River with an audience full of people in the theater. Both brothers sat in a chair, with a microphone. The brothers however could not speak, as their mouths were taped shut. Their hands were tied as well, with one finger free. They could use this finger to press a button, Their decision: turn down an audience full of people on “open mike” night, or risk losing a dollar. Today the brother's recall the night they "brought down the house" telling stories with no ending, though complaining that they really could have used that dollar.
7. The Cancer Stick: since he already has cancer, it was hard for Jigsaw to really fuck with him. He got a pass.
8. Mr Spicoli, proud of both his weed smoking and genitalia, woke up at Narragansett beach, buried naked in sand up to his neck. Around him were kids everywhere, on his left and right sides, they disregarded his fake sand castle and trampled his giant “stay away someone’s here” towel. In front of his face, a giant bong with the world’s rarest and best grade weed. His decision, leave the hole, naked, in front of the kids, and take the bong. In doing so he’d never be able to return to the Narragansett beach again. Or he could wait till nightfall when the kids finally left, but by then the surf would have taken the bong out to sea. Today Mr Spicoli can be found on the beach at Lincoln woods, and can be seen on reruns of “To catch a predator” because hundreds of kids have scarred memories of a loud naked bronzed man with a pepperoni stick dangling between his legs furiously digging himself out of the sand.
> 9. “Fort Hood ain’t Nothin” awoke with a what he thought was a skull cap on, but was actually a yarmulke. His decision, to have the yarmulke permanently implanted into his scalp, or to stop harassing women. When offered this choice, Fort Hood stumped Jigsaw by choosing to die, which was not one of the options. Jigsaw then realized he had just been outwitted, and walked away muttering to himself.
The November 9 IDIOTS
The NOVEMBER 9 IDIOTS.
You’ve seen it on ESPN, now watch as it comes to a local nearly insolvent Portugese hall near you. It’s the NOVEMBER 9 IDIOTS. In 2 weeks a tournament will be held, and we’ll see, which of these 9 IDIOTS is knocked out first, or lasts until the first blind raise. Here they are:
1. They call him “RED FACE SATAN” even though that’s a bit repetitive. No one knows his last name or even how he got invited. Recently he doubled for George Hamilton at his funeral, and believes that tanning “is fuckin healthy for you” He may be the most dangerous man at the table because money truly means nothing to him, most likely because he doesn’t actually have any. He recently left the Dominican Republic less tan then when he got there.
2,3,4. APO #2,3,4. Much like a typical work day, at the poker table the APO’s (anonymous postal officers) are always a threat to exit early. The question is how many will show and whether they just throw the mail in the sewer or have enough money to stay for a cash game. They are interchangeable as no one really knows their names or anything about them, but they do all same the same crazed postal worker 1000 mile death stare into nothingness.
5. His nickame: Jim “even if I was drunk she made a driving mistake that caused me to hit her” Leyritz. He’s got more ankle bracelets then Cameron Diaz, yet somehow keeps his day job. The question is whether he shows up at all, and if so, in what state (literally it may not be RI). At this point prison provides peace and rest, and is looking pretty attractive.
6. The Brothers Grim : while never showing up at the same tournament, its always possible one of these odd fellows will exit early or bizarrely go very far. Either way you can be assured there will be a story about a bad beat. And then another one, and another one, and....
7. The Cancer Stick: if wasn’t for bad luck, hell this guy would take bad luck at this point. How in god’s name can he ever win. At least we get to hear some new stories, oh forgot nothing’s happened to him since 1989. In fact, that’s his new name: 1989!
8. Mr Spicoli: what do you call a 40 year old man who still smokes pot? Well in this case you don’t call him because he doesn’t have a cellphone. Intimidates by snotting up his cards. This and other antics lead to few of his friends being willing to admit that they are his friends. Tans as often as RED FACE SATAN, yet surprisingly doesn’t appear to be friendly with him.
9. “Fort Hood aint Nothin”: the only thing crazier than his beliefs is his card play. Has worked in so many hotels, he now has to open his own hotel just so he can hire himself to be the banquet director. Unfortunately, he still got fired at his own hotel for creating a "hostile work environment" when he allegedly told the manager: "hey tits come and eat my baclava", though he claims he literally did bring baclava to work that day, though he also admits he had eaten it all prior to his alleged statement. At the poker table it often appears that he literally may not know what the term “fold” means. Perhaps it’s an Arab word for “Jews are Great”
And there you have it Lon, the November 9 Idiots. Who will be out first, who will go to jail first, who will die first, who will commit a crime against humanity first, who will spawn a new species of red skinned humans first, who will attempt to legalize pot at a high school first, who will have a grainy video photo of themselves shown on the newswires first, how are any of these people employable, these questions and more make the November 9 Idiots worth watching, or worth never been associated with again.
You’ve seen it on ESPN, now watch as it comes to a local nearly insolvent Portugese hall near you. It’s the NOVEMBER 9 IDIOTS. In 2 weeks a tournament will be held, and we’ll see, which of these 9 IDIOTS is knocked out first, or lasts until the first blind raise. Here they are:
1. They call him “RED FACE SATAN” even though that’s a bit repetitive. No one knows his last name or even how he got invited. Recently he doubled for George Hamilton at his funeral, and believes that tanning “is fuckin healthy for you” He may be the most dangerous man at the table because money truly means nothing to him, most likely because he doesn’t actually have any. He recently left the Dominican Republic less tan then when he got there.
2,3,4. APO #2,3,4. Much like a typical work day, at the poker table the APO’s (anonymous postal officers) are always a threat to exit early. The question is how many will show and whether they just throw the mail in the sewer or have enough money to stay for a cash game. They are interchangeable as no one really knows their names or anything about them, but they do all same the same crazed postal worker 1000 mile death stare into nothingness.
5. His nickame: Jim “even if I was drunk she made a driving mistake that caused me to hit her” Leyritz. He’s got more ankle bracelets then Cameron Diaz, yet somehow keeps his day job. The question is whether he shows up at all, and if so, in what state (literally it may not be RI). At this point prison provides peace and rest, and is looking pretty attractive.
6. The Brothers Grim : while never showing up at the same tournament, its always possible one of these odd fellows will exit early or bizarrely go very far. Either way you can be assured there will be a story about a bad beat. And then another one, and another one, and....
7. The Cancer Stick: if wasn’t for bad luck, hell this guy would take bad luck at this point. How in god’s name can he ever win. At least we get to hear some new stories, oh forgot nothing’s happened to him since 1989. In fact, that’s his new name: 1989!
8. Mr Spicoli: what do you call a 40 year old man who still smokes pot? Well in this case you don’t call him because he doesn’t have a cellphone. Intimidates by snotting up his cards. This and other antics lead to few of his friends being willing to admit that they are his friends. Tans as often as RED FACE SATAN, yet surprisingly doesn’t appear to be friendly with him.
9. “Fort Hood aint Nothin”: the only thing crazier than his beliefs is his card play. Has worked in so many hotels, he now has to open his own hotel just so he can hire himself to be the banquet director. Unfortunately, he still got fired at his own hotel for creating a "hostile work environment" when he allegedly told the manager: "hey tits come and eat my baclava", though he claims he literally did bring baclava to work that day, though he also admits he had eaten it all prior to his alleged statement. At the poker table it often appears that he literally may not know what the term “fold” means. Perhaps it’s an Arab word for “Jews are Great”
And there you have it Lon, the November 9 Idiots. Who will be out first, who will go to jail first, who will die first, who will commit a crime against humanity first, who will spawn a new species of red skinned humans first, who will attempt to legalize pot at a high school first, who will have a grainy video photo of themselves shown on the newswires first, how are any of these people employable, these questions and more make the November 9 Idiots worth watching, or worth never been associated with again.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Away for the Weekend at Special Conference
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Mud's Club Sub Fantasy Football Mid-Year Report
Well hello again, boys! We have a very eventful FF season on our hands, and since I know you have all been eagerly awaiting this mid-year report, I have decided to post it!
Let's look at some quick non-standings-related crap that's going on:
- The Commish is unhappy. Never a good sign for all of us. Apparently, it has caused his already-dreadful IBS to get worse. Now he shits out things he hasn't even eaten.
- I'm a big fan of the DOW (Douche of the Week) award. So far, we've only awarded one of them. It was the Wards in week 6 for Matt Schaub. Let my vote be cast that we need to award this weekly (more on this later), and we should also include a DOD (Douche of the Draft). Schemer would have won. Not for his picks, but for his constant forgetting of himself and where he drafted.
- Will the real New England Patriots please stand up? I can't tell by last week's game if they are really good or not.
- Who would've thought that Adrian Peterson would be on the block? MINNESOTA'S Adrian Peterson, not the Chicago version. I put in a trade request 5 minutes after I learned the news.
- Who the fuck is this "Guru" guy? How can we get rid of this feature? This guy has fucked more owners than Bernie Madoff.
So now let's move on to the teams. As always, I grade based on what I see to be self-evident truths. If you don't like it, you can blow it out your ass. With love.
1. The Fighting Amish: Somehow, this team is 5 and 1. They are second in total points scored, despite having a bench that collectively has scored about 6 points this season. Quick note- neither this team nor the second-place team has captured a week yet. How does this happen? It's either consistency or some statistical anomaly that we need to involve NASA to compute. I'm leaning toward the latter. Someone call the guy from "NUMB3RS" (who by the way, played one of the Jewish neighbors of Harold and Kumar. True Story).
Seriously, he has Chad Henne, Glen Coffee, and Ronald Curry on his bench. This can't last.
Preseason Prediction: 4th. I had him in the playoffs, at least.
Grade: B+ Sorry, I just can't go higher. I still think this team is due for a swoon.
2. Warriors: It's high time this guy caught some breaks. Brady finally broke out for him. But again, depth is an issue. 3 of his 6 bench players have the dreaded Red Cross next to their names. It's really only 3 of 5, as one is a defense. He would have come in second for the DOW award voting for week 5 due to the Roddy White tragedy. But I'm not complaining. I beat him that week because of it. But like the Amish, I can't imagine he'll be able to hang on. He has a very tenuous grip on respectability. However, he does have the highest cumulative point total this season thus far.
Preseason Prediction: 10th. Yep, i was way off here. But it wouldn't shock me if he was closer to that come season end.
Grade: A. I think he has done an excellent job with what he has. But success, my friends, can be a cruel mistress. Remember, right now there are 5 teams that are 4-2.
3. The Clapp: I didn't see this coming at all. But does anyone ever see the Clap coming? I had him as a playoff team, but he has outperformed my expectations, and his Morningstar rating is 5-star. Peyton Manning, fresh off f***ing the Warriors, has re-found his mojo. I don't know. His bench depth is ok....I stand by my prediction. I see him finishing anywhere from 2nd-6th.
Preseason prediction: 6th. I stand by this one. A playoff team, for sure, but we'll have to see how things shake out. Remember, right now there are 5 teams that are 4-2.
Grade: A. He's done great so far. What else can be said? In the true spirit of the man, I'll be quiet now.
4. DaPrez: I shall now refer to this team as "DaPrez Featuring Mohamed Massaquoi". Ol' Mohamed gets my vote for the "Most Excitement in the Waiver Wire" award for this season. And he is only averaging 4.2 points per week. Anyway, this is a solid team on paper, and with Gore coming back, things are looking good (FRANK Gore, not the other "I invented the Internet" Gore). Also, nice of him to pick up Ted Ginn Jr's corpse after I cut him loose like Teddy Ballgame's head. Now Miami has a QB who can throw long, which suits him. But anything can happen. His point totals are among the league's elite. BUT: Remember, right now there are 5 teams that are 4-2.
Preseason Prediction: 3. I'm backing off this. I see him in the 4-6 range, especially when Norv Turner benches Rivers and Gates to "fire up" the Bolts.
Grade: D. Look, someone has to blow the curve. Besides, his Yanks are probably going to get World Series rings this year. Come to think of it....:
Adjusted Grade: F-. I hope that A-Rod, the Jeter-Ass-grabbing, Bronson Arroyo glove-slapping, Steroid-taking, Madonna-Fucking, purple lips-having piece of shit commits double-digit errors in the World Series and single-handedly costs his team the title.
5. The Schemers: Interesting team. I'm a big fan of his wideouts, but for some strange reason, he carries 3 QBs on his roster. What's more interesting is that he traded away a fourth. I guess you deal from strength, right? However, he got LT for Matt Schaub. Not sure I understood that move. Of course, he is doing much better record-wise than i am, so who am I to talk? However, i am outscoring him. Part of me thinks that he has one extra player due to the way he derailed the draft with his outbursts. How many of us crossed off names when he shouted them off, and then realized that he couldn't actually take that player? This was exceptionally done on his part, if that's what he was intending. Could be he's just an idiot. God will sort it out.
Preseason Prediction: 10th. Another one I was off on. However, i could end up being right. Remember, right now there are 5 teams that are 4-2.
Grade: B-. The LT-Schaub (or as i like to call it, the "The Munich Agreement") deal was a lousy one. However, I respect the fact that he took a stab at it.
6. Finebeverages: This is a strange team. He has 2 members of the NFL's version of the Jackson 32 (there really are 32 Jacksons attached to NFL teams), and continues to ride the Drew Brees train. Also, to his credit, he has not stopped insulting all of us with really lopsided trade offers. Honestly, it's easier to negotiate with Palestinians than with him. Here's how the trade process works with him:
1. He makes a lopsided offer.
2. You counter with something that is a little more fair.
3. He slams the door in your face and insults your parents.
4. He comes back a week later with a different but equally-lopsided request.
(Repeat steps 2-4 ad nauseum).
Preseason Prediction: 2. I think there is still a possibility of this. Remember, right now there are 5 teams that are 4-2.
Grade: D. Should be better than this. He's definitely one of the more active GMs out there. Loses points for going to the "New" Yankee Stadium so often and supporting such a soulless building and even more soulless franchise.
7. CAPTAIN MORGAN MEN: Seriously, if you saw a guy in a bar striking the Captain's pose like he is in a fucking commercial, wouldn't you immediately throw down with that moron? HRD, i love your avatars. But please, change your team name. We have a squad that features some of the finest spirits and liquors that money can buy, and then we have your team- a team devoted to the propagandizing of a low-rent spiced rum that is favored by white trash guys in denim jackets and sweatpants. Please, we're collectively begging you. I like your players, and think you have a nice team. But if I have to pull out my Anthrax backpatch every time I see your team name, then we are gonna have some issues, bubeleh.
Preseason Prediction: 9th. Yep, i see this holding true. Good luck in the lottery.
Grade: A: Still can't touch this guy's avitars, and even The Wiggles one was funny. Captain Feathersword, he loves to dance, he will show you how, Captain Feathersword, he loves to dance,
Captain Feathersword: I will show you now!
8. The W Boys: Second lowest point total in the league. Inaugural winner of the DOW award (Matt Schaub, Week 6). Donovan McNabb & Matt Schaub are averaging about the same amount of points per week. Umm...guys? Quick Tip: YOU CAN ONLY START ONE OF THEM. TIME TO SHOP ONE OF THEM! ELIMINATE THIS DECISION EACH WEEK! You got Schaub when McNabb got hurt. McNabb is back. And don't gimme s*** about bye weeks. Deal Schaub now.
Also, I can't help but notice that not a single one of your wideouts is averaging more than 10 points per week, and only 2 are averaging more than 6 points per week. i think you need a wideout, and I'm sure there are teams that have weaknesses at QB. But what do I know. I'm just the defending champion.
Preseason Prediction: 5th. I need to back off this prediction. When Justin Fargas gets a start for you, things ain't good.
Grade: C+: You pulled off the trade for Schaub, gotta give you credit for that.
9. Del's Destroyers: To his credit, he has stuck to his guns and hasn't changed his avatar since 1978. What's the matter, Google Images doesn't work on your computer? Try Googling this: "Lady Gaga Penis" and see what happens. That would make a super avatar. This team i among the elite in terms of point-scoring. Does that translate to wins? Well, obviously not. But that's beyond his control. This is a very solid team, and deserves better. However, unless you change your avatar, you have a date with the lottery. And it's time to write Nate Washington the following letter: "Dear Baby, welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."
Preseason Prediction: 8. 'Nuff said.
Grade: C. High grade for a team this low in the standings.
10. The Aristocrats: A team full of underachievers that is poorly managed to boot. Portis, Forte, and Houshyomama have been underwhelming. And I'm at the point now when Rice starts at all costs. I think he has reached that level. Can you say "keeper"? Special thanks to the W Boys for mismanaging their QB situation and keeping me from receiving the DOW award last week.
Preseason Prediction: 12th. I'm close. I can feel it...
Grade: D. I am a human suckfest.
Speaking of the DOW award, we only had a DOW award starting in Week 6. Here is how the first 5 weeks would have gone:
Week 1: (Tie) Patrick Crayton, Del's Destroyers, 22 (benched in favor of Steve Breaston, who was inactive) and Trent Edwards, The Fighting Amish
Week 2: Matt Schaub, The Schemers, 42
Week 3: Pierre Thomas, Finebeverages, 26 (Note: the combined scoring of his 3 starting RBs that week was 25)
Week 4: Saints DST, Del's Destroyers, 34
Week 5: The Schemers, Miles Austin, 43 (Note: he still beat the Convicts by 40.)
Week 6: The W Boys, Matt Schaub, 40
Note: In none of the instances above did it cost their team a win. Interesting.
11. Club Sub Convicts: This guy has his own forum in which to roast himself, so I'm not going to go much further here, other than to say that I am embarrassed for him, with him, and near him. But watch out- there's a storm a-brewin, and it's name is the Commish.
Preseason prediction: 1. Watch, this guy, right here- Boom! It's smash-mouth football Pat- he knocked his hat right off. That's right, the Mud-den curse has hit him. In a related story, I'm accepting "donations" from you all to NOT pick you to be #1 next year. Highest bidder wins.
Grade: F. Utterly terrible. Through the first 2 weeks of the year he was untouchable. Now, please touch him, cuz he is very touchable.
12. The 2009 Donation: I don't even know what to say. Never has the #1 pick worked out so horribly (except for Brien Taylor)., However, i give this guy a lot of credit- he's taking it well. New team name, new avatar, new attitude. However, it is worth pointing out that you don't have to trade Peterson! He's the MVP out there, without a doubt. If you want to re-tool, you do it with him and whatever stud you are going to get in the lottery next year.
Preseason Prediction: 11th. I was close here, but I had no idea it was gonna be THIS bad.
Grade: A. What can you do at this point other than blow it up? And to his credit, that's what he wants to do. I'm proud of him.
Well boys, that does it for me here. I wish you all the best of luck the rest of the way. Thanks for reading; it's all in fun. Remember, right now there are 5 teams that are 4-2.
Mud out. Club Sub!
Let's look at some quick non-standings-related crap that's going on:
- The Commish is unhappy. Never a good sign for all of us. Apparently, it has caused his already-dreadful IBS to get worse. Now he shits out things he hasn't even eaten.
- I'm a big fan of the DOW (Douche of the Week) award. So far, we've only awarded one of them. It was the Wards in week 6 for Matt Schaub. Let my vote be cast that we need to award this weekly (more on this later), and we should also include a DOD (Douche of the Draft). Schemer would have won. Not for his picks, but for his constant forgetting of himself and where he drafted.
- Will the real New England Patriots please stand up? I can't tell by last week's game if they are really good or not.
- Who would've thought that Adrian Peterson would be on the block? MINNESOTA'S Adrian Peterson, not the Chicago version. I put in a trade request 5 minutes after I learned the news.
- Who the fuck is this "Guru" guy? How can we get rid of this feature? This guy has fucked more owners than Bernie Madoff.
So now let's move on to the teams. As always, I grade based on what I see to be self-evident truths. If you don't like it, you can blow it out your ass. With love.
1. The Fighting Amish: Somehow, this team is 5 and 1. They are second in total points scored, despite having a bench that collectively has scored about 6 points this season. Quick note- neither this team nor the second-place team has captured a week yet. How does this happen? It's either consistency or some statistical anomaly that we need to involve NASA to compute. I'm leaning toward the latter. Someone call the guy from "NUMB3RS" (who by the way, played one of the Jewish neighbors of Harold and Kumar. True Story).
Seriously, he has Chad Henne, Glen Coffee, and Ronald Curry on his bench. This can't last.
Preseason Prediction: 4th. I had him in the playoffs, at least.
Grade: B+ Sorry, I just can't go higher. I still think this team is due for a swoon.
2. Warriors: It's high time this guy caught some breaks. Brady finally broke out for him. But again, depth is an issue. 3 of his 6 bench players have the dreaded Red Cross next to their names. It's really only 3 of 5, as one is a defense. He would have come in second for the DOW award voting for week 5 due to the Roddy White tragedy. But I'm not complaining. I beat him that week because of it. But like the Amish, I can't imagine he'll be able to hang on. He has a very tenuous grip on respectability. However, he does have the highest cumulative point total this season thus far.
Preseason Prediction: 10th. Yep, i was way off here. But it wouldn't shock me if he was closer to that come season end.
Grade: A. I think he has done an excellent job with what he has. But success, my friends, can be a cruel mistress. Remember, right now there are 5 teams that are 4-2.
3. The Clapp: I didn't see this coming at all. But does anyone ever see the Clap coming? I had him as a playoff team, but he has outperformed my expectations, and his Morningstar rating is 5-star. Peyton Manning, fresh off f***ing the Warriors, has re-found his mojo. I don't know. His bench depth is ok....I stand by my prediction. I see him finishing anywhere from 2nd-6th.
Preseason prediction: 6th. I stand by this one. A playoff team, for sure, but we'll have to see how things shake out. Remember, right now there are 5 teams that are 4-2.
Grade: A. He's done great so far. What else can be said? In the true spirit of the man, I'll be quiet now.
4. DaPrez: I shall now refer to this team as "DaPrez Featuring Mohamed Massaquoi". Ol' Mohamed gets my vote for the "Most Excitement in the Waiver Wire" award for this season. And he is only averaging 4.2 points per week. Anyway, this is a solid team on paper, and with Gore coming back, things are looking good (FRANK Gore, not the other "I invented the Internet" Gore). Also, nice of him to pick up Ted Ginn Jr's corpse after I cut him loose like Teddy Ballgame's head. Now Miami has a QB who can throw long, which suits him. But anything can happen. His point totals are among the league's elite. BUT: Remember, right now there are 5 teams that are 4-2.
Preseason Prediction: 3. I'm backing off this. I see him in the 4-6 range, especially when Norv Turner benches Rivers and Gates to "fire up" the Bolts.
Grade: D. Look, someone has to blow the curve. Besides, his Yanks are probably going to get World Series rings this year. Come to think of it....:
Adjusted Grade: F-. I hope that A-Rod, the Jeter-Ass-grabbing, Bronson Arroyo glove-slapping, Steroid-taking, Madonna-Fucking, purple lips-having piece of shit commits double-digit errors in the World Series and single-handedly costs his team the title.
5. The Schemers: Interesting team. I'm a big fan of his wideouts, but for some strange reason, he carries 3 QBs on his roster. What's more interesting is that he traded away a fourth. I guess you deal from strength, right? However, he got LT for Matt Schaub. Not sure I understood that move. Of course, he is doing much better record-wise than i am, so who am I to talk? However, i am outscoring him. Part of me thinks that he has one extra player due to the way he derailed the draft with his outbursts. How many of us crossed off names when he shouted them off, and then realized that he couldn't actually take that player? This was exceptionally done on his part, if that's what he was intending. Could be he's just an idiot. God will sort it out.
Preseason Prediction: 10th. Another one I was off on. However, i could end up being right. Remember, right now there are 5 teams that are 4-2.
Grade: B-. The LT-Schaub (or as i like to call it, the "The Munich Agreement") deal was a lousy one. However, I respect the fact that he took a stab at it.
6. Finebeverages: This is a strange team. He has 2 members of the NFL's version of the Jackson 32 (there really are 32 Jacksons attached to NFL teams), and continues to ride the Drew Brees train. Also, to his credit, he has not stopped insulting all of us with really lopsided trade offers. Honestly, it's easier to negotiate with Palestinians than with him. Here's how the trade process works with him:
1. He makes a lopsided offer.
2. You counter with something that is a little more fair.
3. He slams the door in your face and insults your parents.
4. He comes back a week later with a different but equally-lopsided request.
(Repeat steps 2-4 ad nauseum).
Preseason Prediction: 2. I think there is still a possibility of this. Remember, right now there are 5 teams that are 4-2.
Grade: D. Should be better than this. He's definitely one of the more active GMs out there. Loses points for going to the "New" Yankee Stadium so often and supporting such a soulless building and even more soulless franchise.
7. CAPTAIN MORGAN MEN: Seriously, if you saw a guy in a bar striking the Captain's pose like he is in a fucking commercial, wouldn't you immediately throw down with that moron? HRD, i love your avatars. But please, change your team name. We have a squad that features some of the finest spirits and liquors that money can buy, and then we have your team- a team devoted to the propagandizing of a low-rent spiced rum that is favored by white trash guys in denim jackets and sweatpants. Please, we're collectively begging you. I like your players, and think you have a nice team. But if I have to pull out my Anthrax backpatch every time I see your team name, then we are gonna have some issues, bubeleh.
Preseason Prediction: 9th. Yep, i see this holding true. Good luck in the lottery.
Grade: A: Still can't touch this guy's avitars, and even The Wiggles one was funny. Captain Feathersword, he loves to dance, he will show you how, Captain Feathersword, he loves to dance,
Captain Feathersword: I will show you now!
8. The W Boys: Second lowest point total in the league. Inaugural winner of the DOW award (Matt Schaub, Week 6). Donovan McNabb & Matt Schaub are averaging about the same amount of points per week. Umm...guys? Quick Tip: YOU CAN ONLY START ONE OF THEM. TIME TO SHOP ONE OF THEM! ELIMINATE THIS DECISION EACH WEEK! You got Schaub when McNabb got hurt. McNabb is back. And don't gimme s*** about bye weeks. Deal Schaub now.
Also, I can't help but notice that not a single one of your wideouts is averaging more than 10 points per week, and only 2 are averaging more than 6 points per week. i think you need a wideout, and I'm sure there are teams that have weaknesses at QB. But what do I know. I'm just the defending champion.
Preseason Prediction: 5th. I need to back off this prediction. When Justin Fargas gets a start for you, things ain't good.
Grade: C+: You pulled off the trade for Schaub, gotta give you credit for that.
9. Del's Destroyers: To his credit, he has stuck to his guns and hasn't changed his avatar since 1978. What's the matter, Google Images doesn't work on your computer? Try Googling this: "Lady Gaga Penis" and see what happens. That would make a super avatar. This team i among the elite in terms of point-scoring. Does that translate to wins? Well, obviously not. But that's beyond his control. This is a very solid team, and deserves better. However, unless you change your avatar, you have a date with the lottery. And it's time to write Nate Washington the following letter: "Dear Baby, welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."
Preseason Prediction: 8. 'Nuff said.
Grade: C. High grade for a team this low in the standings.
10. The Aristocrats: A team full of underachievers that is poorly managed to boot. Portis, Forte, and Houshyomama have been underwhelming. And I'm at the point now when Rice starts at all costs. I think he has reached that level. Can you say "keeper"? Special thanks to the W Boys for mismanaging their QB situation and keeping me from receiving the DOW award last week.
Preseason Prediction: 12th. I'm close. I can feel it...
Grade: D. I am a human suckfest.
Speaking of the DOW award, we only had a DOW award starting in Week 6. Here is how the first 5 weeks would have gone:
Week 1: (Tie) Patrick Crayton, Del's Destroyers, 22 (benched in favor of Steve Breaston, who was inactive) and Trent Edwards, The Fighting Amish
Week 2: Matt Schaub, The Schemers, 42
Week 3: Pierre Thomas, Finebeverages, 26 (Note: the combined scoring of his 3 starting RBs that week was 25)
Week 4: Saints DST, Del's Destroyers, 34
Week 5: The Schemers, Miles Austin, 43 (Note: he still beat the Convicts by 40.)
Week 6: The W Boys, Matt Schaub, 40
Note: In none of the instances above did it cost their team a win. Interesting.
11. Club Sub Convicts: This guy has his own forum in which to roast himself, so I'm not going to go much further here, other than to say that I am embarrassed for him, with him, and near him. But watch out- there's a storm a-brewin, and it's name is the Commish.
Preseason prediction: 1. Watch, this guy, right here- Boom! It's smash-mouth football Pat- he knocked his hat right off. That's right, the Mud-den curse has hit him. In a related story, I'm accepting "donations" from you all to NOT pick you to be #1 next year. Highest bidder wins.
Grade: F. Utterly terrible. Through the first 2 weeks of the year he was untouchable. Now, please touch him, cuz he is very touchable.
12. The 2009 Donation: I don't even know what to say. Never has the #1 pick worked out so horribly (except for Brien Taylor)., However, i give this guy a lot of credit- he's taking it well. New team name, new avatar, new attitude. However, it is worth pointing out that you don't have to trade Peterson! He's the MVP out there, without a doubt. If you want to re-tool, you do it with him and whatever stud you are going to get in the lottery next year.
Preseason Prediction: 11th. I was close here, but I had no idea it was gonna be THIS bad.
Grade: A. What can you do at this point other than blow it up? And to his credit, that's what he wants to do. I'm proud of him.
Well boys, that does it for me here. I wish you all the best of luck the rest of the way. Thanks for reading; it's all in fun. Remember, right now there are 5 teams that are 4-2.
Mud out. Club Sub!
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Mud's 2nd Annual Club Sub Fantasy Football Preview
Hi everyone! I know, I know, we're 2 weeks into the season and I'm just now getting around to writing a preview. Well, blow it out your ass. I have been busy with all of the ASS I have been getting. Seriously, we're talking Wilt Chamberlain-esque volume of tail. And a shout out to the Sub. Happy 20th Birthday! The bash at Frank White's was epic.
But now onto a different topic- Fantasy Football, of course! It's my turn to tell you all how you've disappointed me in he past year. Please, someone get the pole out of the crawl space.
Last year I was pretty solid in my predictions. After all, I won the league last year. Oh, you hadn't heard? Yeah, I won. Right? right.
Onto the clubs in alphabetical order.
Captain Morgan Men - still the gayest name in this league. And even worse (for him, but better for us) he seems to spend all of his time looking for avatars instead of developing a draft strategy. Solid play there, pillowbiter. Here's a thought: obtain a wide receiver who is under 35 years old. His starting wideouts combined age? 107. I shit you not.
Projected Finish: 9th
Sleeper: Wow. I just looked at his roster again, and it is OLD. There are no sleepers. Except the whole team, when they eat too much fiber and nod off during "Anderson Cooper 360" at 7:00 every evening.
Question Mark: How can he top last year's avatars?
Club Sub Convicts: This guy should buy a fucking PowerBall ticket. In the first 2 weeks, he had 3 of the best Fantasy performances in the history of non-adult movie Fantasy performances. Philly's D going off? Check. Chris Johnson looking like he's running thru traffic cones? Check. Donovan McNabb throwing 17 TDs and breaking a rib in the same game? Check.
What's next, the Commish giving up bacon and learning how to digest blueberries? Oops, sorry Mr Commissioner sir.
Projected Finish: 1st. That's right! He gets the "Mud-den Curse". Har!
Sleeper: Jamaal Charles. All kinds of talent...Wait, he was a healthy scratch? Well, so much for that.
Question Mark: Willis McGahee. How long until Baltimore decides to let Ray Rice score a little and sits Willis on his ass?
DaPrez: Should have called your team "DaHasBeens". Seriously, you have a guy named "Fred Jackson". Isn't he the security guard at the Westin who works Thursday nights? Fittingly, he is filling in for Marshawn Lynch, who ran over a crack whore who was trying to rob one of Marshawn's entourage. And where the Hell did Frank Gore's career come from? I can't believe he is still alive, let alone playing ball.
Projected Finish: 3rd.
Sleeper: Chansi Stuckey. One of the best names in the NFL goes to Filthy Sanchez' favorite target. No flies on Chansi!
Question Mark: Is it me, or does it seem like there are not a lot of impact young players this year? I'm looking at these teams, and they are all old as dirt. I can't believe that they are still starting games after 8:30- I'm surprised that half of these teams can stay up that late.
Del's Destroyers: Don't you have to go build some fucking walls? This ain't softball, stucknut. This is actually a pretty solid team, on paper. But the X factor is management. Last year, he made a trade which hurt his team and ran his mouth about how good a trade it was. Then got smoked in the championship. Point is, he now knows what to do- Shut Up. I know what you're saying, Sloppy- "Let it go Mud!" Never!!!!
Projected Finish: 8th
Sleeper: Greg Jones. He's healthy, and Jacksonville is so bad that he will see significant action when Maurice Jones-Drew is shot dead in a custody battle between Mr Jones and Ms Drew.
Question Mark: Injuries could bite him in the ass- not a deep team. 3 guys on his bench have yet to play due to the fact that they aren't very good.
Fine Influential Diagnoses (or whatever he is calling himself these days): When are you going to try to get together with Drew Brees to perform oral sex on him? This guy is your bread and butter, year in, year out. And who the hell is Louis Murphy? Sounds like the treasurer of the Technology Club. I also find it curious that you have the other hyphenated Jaguar in Sims-Walker-Pierce-Fenner-World-Understanding-Harrington-Schwartz. Where the fuck do these people come from? Anyway, here's my analysis: Your-Team-Will-Suck-Balls.
Projected Finish: 2nd. Always a bridesmaid....
Sleeper: Watch out for Correll Buckhalter...This guy has never had a chance to shine. He'll get it in Denver, but he'll need oxygen, I'm sure.
Question Mark: You have to believe that Drew Brees' arm will fall off at some point. My arm hurts, and I don't masturbate nearly as much as Brees throws the ball. Seriously, I don't. Guys?
Hot Corner: The #1 pick is looking like it was wasted. What a shame. But I guess that's what happens when you draft 2 defenses. Although in fairness to him, he is trying Mud's 2008 draft strategy by grabbing all the youngsters available. Guess what, though? IT ONLY WORKS FOR MUD. STEP THE FUCK OFF. I'll check your ass with the quickness, just to let you know.
Projected Finish: 11th.
Sleeper: Pick anyone on his bench. You probably know more about them than I do.
Question Mark: Kevin Smith. This guy is a great talent on a bad team. Hate to see that.
The Aristocrats: Now, I know that you guys are anxious to hear what I have to say about my own team, which is in last place with the lowest point total of all. In discussions about Global Economics, we keep hearing about how China is this "sleeping giant" who will become the world's leading consumer in the decades to come and in fact is already one of the world's leading consumers, particularly of fossil fuels. The presumption here is that we need to figure out different energy solutions, be they clean diesel, solar, wind, or what have you, or the world's oil supply could dry up in as little as 20 years. The point? I personally think that it is safe to say that China is awake now. However, my team isn't. And my team isn't going to wake up. This is what happens when you are forced to draft the best available players for 15 rounds.
Projected Finish: 12th
Sleeper: everybody. They are all stiffs.
Question Mark: Will Mud go off on a trade binge to reinvent his team? We'll see what happens if he loses week 3. Get your offers ready, boys!
The Clapp: For a good six weeks leading into the season, we were subjected to a steady diet (in print and on the internet) of "Anthony Gonzalez will have a BREAKOUT year!" and "Line up to suck Anthony Gonzalez' dick!" Well, Clapp was only too happy to oblige. But instead of a casual oral situation, Anthony flipped the script and pounded Clapp square in the shit chute. At least, that's what you might think. But the fact is that Clapp has himself a nice little team right now. They are quietly (Har!) gettting the job done.
Projected Finish: 6th. Enters the playoffs!
Sleeper: Darren Sproles. Seriously, San Diego can't keep going back to Tomlinson. He's Shaun Alexander at this point. 2009 Shaun Alexander.
Question Mark: Management. if Clapp starts discussing trades with other GMs, can someone please do him a favor and hit him in the neck with a blow dart, for his own good? Thanks.
The Fighting Amish: Nice Starters. Zero Depth. You do know that this is the NFL, and poeple get hurt? Hopefully I play you in the week that Bernard Scott and Jeremy Maclin are starting for you. or Glen Coffee. Glen Coffee? Who the Hell is this guy? I'll tell you who he is- he's the guy who ain't gonna play in SF, that's who he is. Frank Gore had 659 yards and 7 scores last week and they STILL ran him until he got hurt.
Projected Finish: 4th. I think he'll hang on long enough t0 snag a playoff spot.
Sleeper: The GM.
Question Mark: Injuries...Could hurt the man.
The Schemers: What an embarassment. During the draft, he kept shouting out picks at random times like he had Tourette's (the non-explicit kind). It was sad. Towards the end, we stopped calling him "Douche" and that stuff. Instead, we began treating him like he came in 7th at the 100-yard dash in the Special Olympics- patting him on the head, hugging him, and saying things like "Great job, buddy! We love you! Let's go to Friendly's! Everyone gets a medal!". Sad. That said, I like this team, although I don't like the trade for Tomlinson. However, thru 2 weeks, he has the 2nd lowest point total in the league, but is 1-1. We'll see how it shakes out for him.
Projected Finish: 10th. Sorry bud, welcome again to the Lottery.
Sleeper: Miles Austin. Look for big numbers by the end of the year.
Question Mark: How badly hurt is MJD?
Wards: I keep asking if they will go away. I keep hoping they will go away. We all hope they will go away. But yet they are here to stay. Next we'll read "Hop on Pop". This is a perpetual playoff team, but I can't see them winning the big one- lack of depth. 2 fragile QBs and not a lot of bench points. Still, they just never seem to go away, so expect them there come playoff time...
Projected Finish: 5th
Sleeper: The rivalry between the Maloofs, I mean the Wards. I still say that someday this team will cause a rift in the family causing the twins to have to choose sides...
Question Mark: The only 2-headed monster in the league. After a while, there has to be some dissention if they don't win the big one, right? Watching these 2 make a draft selection is painful. Lots of whispering and covering their mouths, and That Guy loudly announcing stuff like "The Wards select LaDanain Tomlinson, who is a Running Back for San Diego!". Next year, they should provide steaks to all of us at the draft. Who DOESN'T like steak? I had a really good Filet at Morton's in Boston a few weeks ago. Obviously overpriced, but great atmosphere and a lot of fun, and a really good piece of meat.
Warriors: Shooting at the walls of heartache, bang bang...Come out and play...Somehow, this team is 1 and 1. Not sure how. This team is not very good. But hey, at least the real football team is doing well, right? What? 1-2? oh...
This team is kinda patchwork. Young & old mixed together in a tasteful & elegant melange of wisdom and exuberance. Hate to do it Terminator, but i think you'll be joining me in the Lottery again.
Projected Finish: 10th
Sleeper: I like Mario Manningham. With Plax in the can, Manning has to have someone to throw to, and there are some injuries to the Giants receiver corps...This guy could be special. or he could kill an elderly Jewish man with his Bentley Continental GT at 7am after a night of speedballs, Remy, Kind Bud, and Cristal in Miami Beach. Wait, someone has already done that? My bad.
Question Mark: Who are half of these people on his roster?
So there you have it, folks. Long live Club Sub. And I wish all the best of luck in your Fantasy seasons. And if you don't like what I have to say, I'll loan you a quarter so you can buy a fucking sense of humor. Otherwise, blow it out your ass. As usual.
But now onto a different topic- Fantasy Football, of course! It's my turn to tell you all how you've disappointed me in he past year. Please, someone get the pole out of the crawl space.
Last year I was pretty solid in my predictions. After all, I won the league last year. Oh, you hadn't heard? Yeah, I won. Right? right.
Onto the clubs in alphabetical order.
Captain Morgan Men - still the gayest name in this league. And even worse (for him, but better for us) he seems to spend all of his time looking for avatars instead of developing a draft strategy. Solid play there, pillowbiter. Here's a thought: obtain a wide receiver who is under 35 years old. His starting wideouts combined age? 107. I shit you not.
Projected Finish: 9th
Sleeper: Wow. I just looked at his roster again, and it is OLD. There are no sleepers. Except the whole team, when they eat too much fiber and nod off during "Anderson Cooper 360" at 7:00 every evening.
Question Mark: How can he top last year's avatars?
Club Sub Convicts: This guy should buy a fucking PowerBall ticket. In the first 2 weeks, he had 3 of the best Fantasy performances in the history of non-adult movie Fantasy performances. Philly's D going off? Check. Chris Johnson looking like he's running thru traffic cones? Check. Donovan McNabb throwing 17 TDs and breaking a rib in the same game? Check.
What's next, the Commish giving up bacon and learning how to digest blueberries? Oops, sorry Mr Commissioner sir.
Projected Finish: 1st. That's right! He gets the "Mud-den Curse". Har!
Sleeper: Jamaal Charles. All kinds of talent...Wait, he was a healthy scratch? Well, so much for that.
Question Mark: Willis McGahee. How long until Baltimore decides to let Ray Rice score a little and sits Willis on his ass?
DaPrez: Should have called your team "DaHasBeens". Seriously, you have a guy named "Fred Jackson". Isn't he the security guard at the Westin who works Thursday nights? Fittingly, he is filling in for Marshawn Lynch, who ran over a crack whore who was trying to rob one of Marshawn's entourage. And where the Hell did Frank Gore's career come from? I can't believe he is still alive, let alone playing ball.
Projected Finish: 3rd.
Sleeper: Chansi Stuckey. One of the best names in the NFL goes to Filthy Sanchez' favorite target. No flies on Chansi!
Question Mark: Is it me, or does it seem like there are not a lot of impact young players this year? I'm looking at these teams, and they are all old as dirt. I can't believe that they are still starting games after 8:30- I'm surprised that half of these teams can stay up that late.
Del's Destroyers: Don't you have to go build some fucking walls? This ain't softball, stucknut. This is actually a pretty solid team, on paper. But the X factor is management. Last year, he made a trade which hurt his team and ran his mouth about how good a trade it was. Then got smoked in the championship. Point is, he now knows what to do- Shut Up. I know what you're saying, Sloppy- "Let it go Mud!" Never!!!!
Projected Finish: 8th
Sleeper: Greg Jones. He's healthy, and Jacksonville is so bad that he will see significant action when Maurice Jones-Drew is shot dead in a custody battle between Mr Jones and Ms Drew.
Question Mark: Injuries could bite him in the ass- not a deep team. 3 guys on his bench have yet to play due to the fact that they aren't very good.
Fine Influential Diagnoses (or whatever he is calling himself these days): When are you going to try to get together with Drew Brees to perform oral sex on him? This guy is your bread and butter, year in, year out. And who the hell is Louis Murphy? Sounds like the treasurer of the Technology Club. I also find it curious that you have the other hyphenated Jaguar in Sims-Walker-Pierce-Fenner-World-Understanding-Harrington-Schwartz. Where the fuck do these people come from? Anyway, here's my analysis: Your-Team-Will-Suck-Balls.
Projected Finish: 2nd. Always a bridesmaid....
Sleeper: Watch out for Correll Buckhalter...This guy has never had a chance to shine. He'll get it in Denver, but he'll need oxygen, I'm sure.
Question Mark: You have to believe that Drew Brees' arm will fall off at some point. My arm hurts, and I don't masturbate nearly as much as Brees throws the ball. Seriously, I don't. Guys?
Hot Corner: The #1 pick is looking like it was wasted. What a shame. But I guess that's what happens when you draft 2 defenses. Although in fairness to him, he is trying Mud's 2008 draft strategy by grabbing all the youngsters available. Guess what, though? IT ONLY WORKS FOR MUD. STEP THE FUCK OFF. I'll check your ass with the quickness, just to let you know.
Projected Finish: 11th.
Sleeper: Pick anyone on his bench. You probably know more about them than I do.
Question Mark: Kevin Smith. This guy is a great talent on a bad team. Hate to see that.
The Aristocrats: Now, I know that you guys are anxious to hear what I have to say about my own team, which is in last place with the lowest point total of all. In discussions about Global Economics, we keep hearing about how China is this "sleeping giant" who will become the world's leading consumer in the decades to come and in fact is already one of the world's leading consumers, particularly of fossil fuels. The presumption here is that we need to figure out different energy solutions, be they clean diesel, solar, wind, or what have you, or the world's oil supply could dry up in as little as 20 years. The point? I personally think that it is safe to say that China is awake now. However, my team isn't. And my team isn't going to wake up. This is what happens when you are forced to draft the best available players for 15 rounds.
Projected Finish: 12th
Sleeper: everybody. They are all stiffs.
Question Mark: Will Mud go off on a trade binge to reinvent his team? We'll see what happens if he loses week 3. Get your offers ready, boys!
The Clapp: For a good six weeks leading into the season, we were subjected to a steady diet (in print and on the internet) of "Anthony Gonzalez will have a BREAKOUT year!" and "Line up to suck Anthony Gonzalez' dick!" Well, Clapp was only too happy to oblige. But instead of a casual oral situation, Anthony flipped the script and pounded Clapp square in the shit chute. At least, that's what you might think. But the fact is that Clapp has himself a nice little team right now. They are quietly (Har!) gettting the job done.
Projected Finish: 6th. Enters the playoffs!
Sleeper: Darren Sproles. Seriously, San Diego can't keep going back to Tomlinson. He's Shaun Alexander at this point. 2009 Shaun Alexander.
Question Mark: Management. if Clapp starts discussing trades with other GMs, can someone please do him a favor and hit him in the neck with a blow dart, for his own good? Thanks.
The Fighting Amish: Nice Starters. Zero Depth. You do know that this is the NFL, and poeple get hurt? Hopefully I play you in the week that Bernard Scott and Jeremy Maclin are starting for you. or Glen Coffee. Glen Coffee? Who the Hell is this guy? I'll tell you who he is- he's the guy who ain't gonna play in SF, that's who he is. Frank Gore had 659 yards and 7 scores last week and they STILL ran him until he got hurt.
Projected Finish: 4th. I think he'll hang on long enough t0 snag a playoff spot.
Sleeper: The GM.
Question Mark: Injuries...Could hurt the man.
The Schemers: What an embarassment. During the draft, he kept shouting out picks at random times like he had Tourette's (the non-explicit kind). It was sad. Towards the end, we stopped calling him "Douche" and that stuff. Instead, we began treating him like he came in 7th at the 100-yard dash in the Special Olympics- patting him on the head, hugging him, and saying things like "Great job, buddy! We love you! Let's go to Friendly's! Everyone gets a medal!". Sad. That said, I like this team, although I don't like the trade for Tomlinson. However, thru 2 weeks, he has the 2nd lowest point total in the league, but is 1-1. We'll see how it shakes out for him.
Projected Finish: 10th. Sorry bud, welcome again to the Lottery.
Sleeper: Miles Austin. Look for big numbers by the end of the year.
Question Mark: How badly hurt is MJD?
Wards: I keep asking if they will go away. I keep hoping they will go away. We all hope they will go away. But yet they are here to stay. Next we'll read "Hop on Pop". This is a perpetual playoff team, but I can't see them winning the big one- lack of depth. 2 fragile QBs and not a lot of bench points. Still, they just never seem to go away, so expect them there come playoff time...
Projected Finish: 5th
Sleeper: The rivalry between the Maloofs, I mean the Wards. I still say that someday this team will cause a rift in the family causing the twins to have to choose sides...
Question Mark: The only 2-headed monster in the league. After a while, there has to be some dissention if they don't win the big one, right? Watching these 2 make a draft selection is painful. Lots of whispering and covering their mouths, and That Guy loudly announcing stuff like "The Wards select LaDanain Tomlinson, who is a Running Back for San Diego!". Next year, they should provide steaks to all of us at the draft. Who DOESN'T like steak? I had a really good Filet at Morton's in Boston a few weeks ago. Obviously overpriced, but great atmosphere and a lot of fun, and a really good piece of meat.
Warriors: Shooting at the walls of heartache, bang bang...Come out and play...Somehow, this team is 1 and 1. Not sure how. This team is not very good. But hey, at least the real football team is doing well, right? What? 1-2? oh...
This team is kinda patchwork. Young & old mixed together in a tasteful & elegant melange of wisdom and exuberance. Hate to do it Terminator, but i think you'll be joining me in the Lottery again.
Projected Finish: 10th
Sleeper: I like Mario Manningham. With Plax in the can, Manning has to have someone to throw to, and there are some injuries to the Giants receiver corps...This guy could be special. or he could kill an elderly Jewish man with his Bentley Continental GT at 7am after a night of speedballs, Remy, Kind Bud, and Cristal in Miami Beach. Wait, someone has already done that? My bad.
Question Mark: Who are half of these people on his roster?
So there you have it, folks. Long live Club Sub. And I wish all the best of luck in your Fantasy seasons. And if you don't like what I have to say, I'll loan you a quarter so you can buy a fucking sense of humor. Otherwise, blow it out your ass. As usual.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Friday, September 04, 2009
Party Awards
Some awards for the party
1. Most horrified by the events-non member: Tied: Katie V. (present) and Jen R. (absent)
2. Most horrified by the events-member: Reiles
3. Most confusing moment: "I pick, …. Father Paul, Father Paul??
4. Most business impact: Heffenreffer stock shot up this week on record sales.
5. Most surprising sighting: many people saw for the first time that The Postman is married
6. Most insightful question/observation, tied: Katie V. "is all the music going to be rap?" Anonymous: "Got to know the first lady a bit, she's got a pretty foul mouth"
7. Most popular food item I found most frequently throughout the house the next 2 days: whole limes
8. Best scene reminiscent from the "hangover". The next morning, me thinking my 120 quart cooler full of beer had been stolen off the deck. Except it had been on the fireplace. So then I thought it was stolen off the fireplace, which meant someone walked in during the night to take it. Dumbfounded for hours at its disappearance, I stumbled upon it in the basement, where it had apparently been moved for poker. No one recalls moving it there.
9. Best devoted soldier award: tied, 3 way: Clout, skipping parents anniversary, Reiles, skipping wife's birthday, Schemer, gutting it out while sick as a dog.
10. Most likely to be arrested on way home: tie, 3 way: The Beerman (outstanding warrants), The Postman-DWI, The Hitman-kidnapping Mud by forcibly restraining him in the back seat (ask Mud the story)
11. Most asked question: 3 way tie "who is that?" reference to the beerman, "Is that Harvey Milk?"-reference to the beerman, "what does rat fucked mean?"-reference to the Mud incident, "when can we leave?" reference to any number of wives.
12. Worst partier: The Rat's wife-sleeping on couch.
13. Worst unintentional comedy: Frank White's wife: "Matt last time I saw you you hadn't shaved your head."
14. Best Cornhole player: Big Sloppy (no joke needed)
Planning has already begun for 2014 and the 25 year extravaganza. Looking forward, here is a likely snapshot of the future as the 25th initiations are delivered:
1. Fic realizes that he has pro baseball player spermazoa when his son is drafted as a 10 year old. Unfortunately, Fic is out of the baby making business as he got his BALLS CUT OFF IN 2009.
2. Upon receiving the initiation, Jen R. asks Chris: I thought I told you to change your phone number and email address.
3. Katie asks Dave: isn't it enough we have to see the Hitman on the holidays?
4. Matt C. is now a professional fund raiser and has replaced Jerry Lewis on the telethon. Ironically the French hate him however.
5. Big Sloppy is still planning to get engaged. Remember no rush, take it from us.
6. Father M's parish has now been moved to Central Falls, as the church continues to try and get him to quit. Next assignment: Afghanistan.
7. Mud, continuing to try for a boy but denying it, now has 5 daughters.
8. Stamps are now more expensive than a bottle of heffenreffer, yet da mailman still has a job.
9. Frank White has now moved into the State House, not because of politics but just for "a bit more room"
10. Clap:
1. Most horrified by the events-non member: Tied: Katie V. (present) and Jen R. (absent)
2. Most horrified by the events-member: Reiles
3. Most confusing moment: "I pick, …. Father Paul, Father Paul??
4. Most business impact: Heffenreffer stock shot up this week on record sales.
5. Most surprising sighting: many people saw for the first time that The Postman is married
6. Most insightful question/observation, tied: Katie V. "is all the music going to be rap?" Anonymous: "Got to know the first lady a bit, she's got a pretty foul mouth"
7. Most popular food item I found most frequently throughout the house the next 2 days: whole limes
8. Best scene reminiscent from the "hangover". The next morning, me thinking my 120 quart cooler full of beer had been stolen off the deck. Except it had been on the fireplace. So then I thought it was stolen off the fireplace, which meant someone walked in during the night to take it. Dumbfounded for hours at its disappearance, I stumbled upon it in the basement, where it had apparently been moved for poker. No one recalls moving it there.
9. Best devoted soldier award: tied, 3 way: Clout, skipping parents anniversary, Reiles, skipping wife's birthday, Schemer, gutting it out while sick as a dog.
10. Most likely to be arrested on way home: tie, 3 way: The Beerman (outstanding warrants), The Postman-DWI, The Hitman-kidnapping Mud by forcibly restraining him in the back seat (ask Mud the story)
11. Most asked question: 3 way tie "who is that?" reference to the beerman, "Is that Harvey Milk?"-reference to the beerman, "what does rat fucked mean?"-reference to the Mud incident, "when can we leave?" reference to any number of wives.
12. Worst partier: The Rat's wife-sleeping on couch.
13. Worst unintentional comedy: Frank White's wife: "Matt last time I saw you you hadn't shaved your head."
14. Best Cornhole player: Big Sloppy (no joke needed)
Planning has already begun for 2014 and the 25 year extravaganza. Looking forward, here is a likely snapshot of the future as the 25th initiations are delivered:
1. Fic realizes that he has pro baseball player spermazoa when his son is drafted as a 10 year old. Unfortunately, Fic is out of the baby making business as he got his BALLS CUT OFF IN 2009.
2. Upon receiving the initiation, Jen R. asks Chris: I thought I told you to change your phone number and email address.
3. Katie asks Dave: isn't it enough we have to see the Hitman on the holidays?
4. Matt C. is now a professional fund raiser and has replaced Jerry Lewis on the telethon. Ironically the French hate him however.
5. Big Sloppy is still planning to get engaged. Remember no rush, take it from us.
6. Father M's parish has now been moved to Central Falls, as the church continues to try and get him to quit. Next assignment: Afghanistan.
7. Mud, continuing to try for a boy but denying it, now has 5 daughters.
8. Stamps are now more expensive than a bottle of heffenreffer, yet da mailman still has a job.
9. Frank White has now moved into the State House, not because of politics but just for "a bit more room"
10. Clap:
Sunday, August 30, 2009
State of The Sub Address
Saturday August 29, 2009
9:22 pm
From the VP's Mansion
Before we begin, let's all bow our heads as Clap will lead us in a moment of silence. Clap take it away.
First, I would like to thank the VP, Frank White and his wife, for hosting this occasion in his huge house. Please don't disturb the 4 parties going on upstairs and the wedding going on downstairs.
Before we look back I'm going to give a State of the Sub in terms of Economic and Domestic policies.
First, on the economic front, your President, with all my financial savvy, unfortunately invested all Club Sub's money in sub prime, because I thought I was buying the world's biggest prime rib sub.
Now as you know, the economy continues to stumble, with very high unemployment. Kevin Badway, as an example, has really had a tough time finding work, apparently references from Hezbollah do not help your chances.
Club Sub believes very strongly in jumping onto the hottest industries, for example our recent forays into mail delivery and teaching at Catholic schools. Next, we plan on expanding our effort into typewriter sales. Now that said, unlike most organizations that plan on expanding, we don't plan on expanding, except of course at the waistline.
Now for insurance purposes, Club Sub needed to reduce our average age per member. Therefore, we inducted Big Sloppy, and we did lower our average age. Unfortunately our average life expectancy also shortened dramatically.
While on the topic of insurance, as members of Club Sub, you all get universal health coverage, which like the Obama plan includes mandatory euthanasia, and no Schemer that does not mean youths from Asia.
Now onto foreign and domestic policy.
President Obama believes we should be more willing to talk to our enemies, I agree, and I say "Hello Taco Bell"!
As you know, Club Sub believes in a male dominated society, males must be dominated by their wives. Speaking of which, I've asked the First Lady to weigh in on domestic policy. You'll note the Club Sub first lady is much like Michelle Obama, in that she believes in the right to bare bombs. But we would all do well to listen to her memorable words: "It takes an entire village to raise a Fuckin Child"!!!
Now we've finished our policy review, let's move onto reviewing the past and looking forward.
Looking back, it's quite amazing that no Club Sub member has yet died, however I wouldn't be buying any green bananas, and I'm talking to you Matt C.
We inducted many new members, including, Conca a belligerent drunk, who possibly joined the one organization more irrelevant than the post office.
It's clear that compared to 20 years ago, there have been a tremendous number of innovations in society. Yet many of these are new words in society but old to Club Sub. For example:
Twitter- The expression the Hitman gets after shitting a blueberry.
HD- Hide the Deaf people DaPrez is here.
Google- How many people Googs has screwed out of money.
Wireless- How the Hitman used to get out of bed.
Facebook- The effect of Mud reading a cookbook.
Cash For Clunkers- The money we used to pay the Wards to stop telling their stories.
Speaking of cash for clunkers, think about our shit boxes 20 years ago; we had the reliant K car, Mud's hooptie, the dodge omni, the buick regal, the hornet, and many other classics. We'd all be millionaires if Cash for Clunkers were around back then.
Now let's take a look forward. The next 20 years will all be about family; Family restaurants, Family buffet, and the Family guy.
We all look forward to gorging on food and drink, but enough about the football trip.
And hopefully we will induct some new members. To that end, today we are officially inducting two honorary members, in Matt C and Frank Sinatra. Matt went through the most rigorous initiation ever, in that he acquired cancer just to join. Much more difficult than grabbing tp off an empty bus, Big Sloppy. To Mr. Sinatra, we owe you a bit of gratitude for making boozing, smoking, carousing, and calling women broads acceptable. If you think about it, he's the Club Sub role model. By the way, Matt, could you please do us all a favor, and we mean this- please tell Frank "thank you" when you see him shortly.
And with that raise your glasses- To Matt, to Vegas 2011, and to CLUB SUB!!!!
9:22 pm
From the VP's Mansion
Before we begin, let's all bow our heads as Clap will lead us in a moment of silence. Clap take it away.
First, I would like to thank the VP, Frank White and his wife, for hosting this occasion in his huge house. Please don't disturb the 4 parties going on upstairs and the wedding going on downstairs.
Before we look back I'm going to give a State of the Sub in terms of Economic and Domestic policies.
First, on the economic front, your President, with all my financial savvy, unfortunately invested all Club Sub's money in sub prime, because I thought I was buying the world's biggest prime rib sub.
Now as you know, the economy continues to stumble, with very high unemployment. Kevin Badway, as an example, has really had a tough time finding work, apparently references from Hezbollah do not help your chances.
Club Sub believes very strongly in jumping onto the hottest industries, for example our recent forays into mail delivery and teaching at Catholic schools. Next, we plan on expanding our effort into typewriter sales. Now that said, unlike most organizations that plan on expanding, we don't plan on expanding, except of course at the waistline.
Now for insurance purposes, Club Sub needed to reduce our average age per member. Therefore, we inducted Big Sloppy, and we did lower our average age. Unfortunately our average life expectancy also shortened dramatically.
While on the topic of insurance, as members of Club Sub, you all get universal health coverage, which like the Obama plan includes mandatory euthanasia, and no Schemer that does not mean youths from Asia.
Now onto foreign and domestic policy.
President Obama believes we should be more willing to talk to our enemies, I agree, and I say "Hello Taco Bell"!
As you know, Club Sub believes in a male dominated society, males must be dominated by their wives. Speaking of which, I've asked the First Lady to weigh in on domestic policy. You'll note the Club Sub first lady is much like Michelle Obama, in that she believes in the right to bare bombs. But we would all do well to listen to her memorable words: "It takes an entire village to raise a Fuckin Child"!!!
Now we've finished our policy review, let's move onto reviewing the past and looking forward.
Looking back, it's quite amazing that no Club Sub member has yet died, however I wouldn't be buying any green bananas, and I'm talking to you Matt C.
We inducted many new members, including, Conca a belligerent drunk, who possibly joined the one organization more irrelevant than the post office.
It's clear that compared to 20 years ago, there have been a tremendous number of innovations in society. Yet many of these are new words in society but old to Club Sub. For example:
Twitter- The expression the Hitman gets after shitting a blueberry.
HD- Hide the Deaf people DaPrez is here.
Google- How many people Googs has screwed out of money.
Wireless- How the Hitman used to get out of bed.
Facebook- The effect of Mud reading a cookbook.
Cash For Clunkers- The money we used to pay the Wards to stop telling their stories.
Speaking of cash for clunkers, think about our shit boxes 20 years ago; we had the reliant K car, Mud's hooptie, the dodge omni, the buick regal, the hornet, and many other classics. We'd all be millionaires if Cash for Clunkers were around back then.
Now let's take a look forward. The next 20 years will all be about family; Family restaurants, Family buffet, and the Family guy.
We all look forward to gorging on food and drink, but enough about the football trip.
And hopefully we will induct some new members. To that end, today we are officially inducting two honorary members, in Matt C and Frank Sinatra. Matt went through the most rigorous initiation ever, in that he acquired cancer just to join. Much more difficult than grabbing tp off an empty bus, Big Sloppy. To Mr. Sinatra, we owe you a bit of gratitude for making boozing, smoking, carousing, and calling women broads acceptable. If you think about it, he's the Club Sub role model. By the way, Matt, could you please do us all a favor, and we mean this- please tell Frank "thank you" when you see him shortly.
And with that raise your glasses- To Matt, to Vegas 2011, and to CLUB SUB!!!!
Club Sub Celebrates 20 years of Chaos
Last night Club Sub held a huge bash at the VP's (Frank White's) house during Hurricane Danni. I plan on updating the blog with DaPrez's state of the sub address and pictures of the insanity in the coming days. To all that were there, thanks for a great memorable time.
-DaPrez
-DaPrez
Friday, August 21, 2009
Club Sub 20th Anniversary Party
Saturday August 29th at the VP's mansion. This will be epic!!!
Club Sub 20th, festivity schedule
These festivities may be followed in their entirety, not at all or somewhere in between. As always with Club Sub, there are no rules, except to drink.
Time:
4:00-6:00 Arrivals, Bocce on the South lawn, cheese and crackers. Mud is funny, police are called for first time, and Ward stories have just started. At 4:05 the First Lady calls her husband a “fking ahole” for the first of hundreds of times this night.
6-630 1980’s liquor raffle: bring one /bottle/can from the youthful days of drinking. They will be raffled off, as you "win" the raffle, u have the option of actually taking a drink of whatever it is. Conca “volunteers” to finish everyone’s drink for them. Mrs Conca is not amused, though she is smoking, in the house. VP has not yet noticed.
700: Father Mark blesses us all and saves us from hell. The Schemer provides a Nazi blessing.
705: Dinner
735 The Hitman and wife arrives. Now its a party. Mud’s last few jokes have bombed.
800: Results of the Gallup Poll of the Greatest Club Sub Moment of All time
800-900 Post Dinner Cigar. Tilt takes over for story time from the Wards. Mud is funny again.
900: “State of the Sub” speech from DaPrez. Watch as DaPrez uses his Obama like quality of relying on the telemprompter while never making eye contact with those he ridicules.
> 915-10:00 Enter Mr Frank Sinatra…. On the IPOD, and space cleared for those inclined to dance. That Guy takes over the dance floor and an impromptu “so you think you can dance” competition breaks out.
> 1000 After all that exercise, desert is served. Mud has turned into Carrot Top. Matt has spit a mountain of sunflower seeds in the back yard which is so high the town wants to tax it. The Beerman, to relive the old days, begins to bet money that he’ll eat anything off the deck in the yard. Matt bets him he can’t eat the mountain of used sunflower seeds. Everyone turns away.
> 1100 Late night Scotch in the Sinatra room, or on deck with cigar. If anyone brings scotch. VP now realizes that Mrs Conca was smoking in the house, but no longer cares as he is now doing so as well, with a cigar.
> 1200 20 minute poker tournament downstairs. All invited: Rules as follows: blinds double every hand. This will be quick and epic. Big Sloppy bluffs every hand and wins. Mud is Seinfeld. Conca has fallen asleep, though we’re not sure where he is.
>
> 1230 Massive game of drunk Seinfeld scene it, all involved. Or any other games. Games get increasingly better the drunker everyone is. Mud’s nuts make their first appearance. Not funny.
1000 am. Massive headache. Mud is funny.
Club Sub 20th, festivity schedule
These festivities may be followed in their entirety, not at all or somewhere in between. As always with Club Sub, there are no rules, except to drink.
Time:
4:00-6:00 Arrivals, Bocce on the South lawn, cheese and crackers. Mud is funny, police are called for first time, and Ward stories have just started. At 4:05 the First Lady calls her husband a “fking ahole” for the first of hundreds of times this night.
6-630 1980’s liquor raffle: bring one /bottle/can from the youthful days of drinking. They will be raffled off, as you "win" the raffle, u have the option of actually taking a drink of whatever it is. Conca “volunteers” to finish everyone’s drink for them. Mrs Conca is not amused, though she is smoking, in the house. VP has not yet noticed.
700: Father Mark blesses us all and saves us from hell. The Schemer provides a Nazi blessing.
705: Dinner
735 The Hitman and wife arrives. Now its a party. Mud’s last few jokes have bombed.
800: Results of the Gallup Poll of the Greatest Club Sub Moment of All time
800-900 Post Dinner Cigar. Tilt takes over for story time from the Wards. Mud is funny again.
900: “State of the Sub” speech from DaPrez. Watch as DaPrez uses his Obama like quality of relying on the telemprompter while never making eye contact with those he ridicules.
> 915-10:00 Enter Mr Frank Sinatra…. On the IPOD, and space cleared for those inclined to dance. That Guy takes over the dance floor and an impromptu “so you think you can dance” competition breaks out.
> 1000 After all that exercise, desert is served. Mud has turned into Carrot Top. Matt has spit a mountain of sunflower seeds in the back yard which is so high the town wants to tax it. The Beerman, to relive the old days, begins to bet money that he’ll eat anything off the deck in the yard. Matt bets him he can’t eat the mountain of used sunflower seeds. Everyone turns away.
> 1100 Late night Scotch in the Sinatra room, or on deck with cigar. If anyone brings scotch. VP now realizes that Mrs Conca was smoking in the house, but no longer cares as he is now doing so as well, with a cigar.
> 1200 20 minute poker tournament downstairs. All invited: Rules as follows: blinds double every hand. This will be quick and epic. Big Sloppy bluffs every hand and wins. Mud is Seinfeld. Conca has fallen asleep, though we’re not sure where he is.
>
> 1230 Massive game of drunk Seinfeld scene it, all involved. Or any other games. Games get increasingly better the drunker everyone is. Mud’s nuts make their first appearance. Not funny.
1000 am. Massive headache. Mud is funny.
Friday, May 15, 2009
50 Greatest Charles Barkley Quotes
50 greatest Barkley Quotes...
50. "I can be bought. If they paid me enough, I'd work for the Klan."
49. "You got to believe in yourself. Hell, I believe I'm the best-looking guy in the world and I might be right."
48. "I don't hate anyone, at least not for more than 48 minutes, barring overtime."
47. "We better not be doing the Bulls this year. Man, they suck! Bunch of high school kids with $70 million contracts. Damn! I hate my mother for having me too soon."
46. "You can talk without saying a thing. I don't ever want to be that type of person."
45. After retiring from basketball "I'm just what America needs - another unemployed black man.
44. Ernie: "Did they recognize you in South Dakota?"
Charles: "Yes, they did. It was easy because I was the only black person there. When they see me walking down the street they say 'There he goes again'. And when I come back the next year they say 'He's back yawl!'"
43. Right after Peja won the 3-point contest: "Kenny said it was going to be an all-international night. I want to know which international brother is going to win the slam dunk contest."
42. On the Enron scandal investigation: "Almost all those politicians took money from Enron, and there they are holding hearings. That's like O.J. Simpson getting in the Rae Carruth jury pool."
41. "I had to explain to my daughter why that skank Monica Lewinski has an hour special on HBO this weekend."
40. Ernie: "Auburn is a pretty good school. To graduate from there I suppose you really need to work hard and put forth maximum effort."
Charles: "20 pts and 10 rebounds will get you through also!"
39. "Every time I think about changing a diaper, I run a little bit harder and a little bit faster to make sure I can afford a nanny until my daughter's old enough to take care of that herself."
38. EJ: "Did you graduate from Auburn?"
Charles: "No, but I have a couple people working for me who did."
37. "*** Bavetta and Moses parted the Red Sea together."
36. Ernie Johnson, on Reggie Evans being caught grabbing the rocks of Chris Kaman: "(Reggie Evans) got caught with his hand in the cookie jar."Charles Barkley: "Ernie, I don't know where you get your cookies at but the rest of us don't get ours there."
35. On his 17-year old daughter not dating yet: "Thank goodness. I just hope she doesn't start before I go in the Hall of Fame. That way, I won't have to kill anybody before I get inducted."
34. Kenny: "There's guys who go over to Europe and play overseas from America, and they dominate!"
Charles: "Those are called 'brothers'
33. After Wang has a shot blocked: "He's got to bring something stronger than that. That's like bringing milk to a bar, it's not strong enough"
32. Barkley on Turner Sports office having a betting pool on his weight: "That is starting to hurt my feelings. I don't mind skinny people making fun of me, we all do that, but I don't want fat people making fun of me."
31. "We are in the business of kicking butt and business is very, very good."
30. When the Dream Team was about to play the Angola national team, during pre-game interviews the other USA players provided diplomatic, face saving comments about how they would play hard and felt strongly they would win. When Chuck was asked about Angola and the game, he replied: "They're in a lot of trouble."
29. Charles Barkley on his thoughts about retiring before the season: "I remember sitting down with the Rockets and saying, 'Yeah. I'm going to retire.' They said, 'Well, we'll give you $9 million.' And I said, 'You got a pen on you?'"
28. Man, everything gets blamed on the Clintons, every single thing in this world. I think Bill Clinton shot JFK, too.
27. "I know why his name is DMX. Because his real name is Earl. Imagine if his name was Earl the rapper."
26. "If you go out with a girl and they say she has a great personality, she's ugly. If they tell you a guy works hard, he can't play a lick. Same thing."
25. After Kevin Garnett threw a ball into the crowd out of frustration and was ejected. They showed footage of the man that got hit by the ball being taken away in a stretcher and his daughter was crying. Charles commented that players take passes to the face all the time. He topped it off by saying: "You know why that little girl's crying? It's because she's thinking 'my daddy's a wussy'".
24. Barkley on Ernie Johnson and Kenny Smith eating a box of hot Krispy Kreme donuts in front of him: "Both of y'all are2 going to hell for that. Y'all are going to hell with a first-class ticket. Is that how you treat your partner? Krispy Kreme might be the greatest invention in the history of civilization when they're hot. Y'all are cruel man."
23. "It's kinda great to see the Celtics doin well again cuz that was so much fun in my day to go to the Boston Garden and they spit at you and throw things at you and talk about your mom. It sounds like dinner at Kenny Smith's house."
22. "I think that the team that wins game five will win the series. Unless we lose game five."
21. Charles Barkley after seeing a picture of Sam Cassell on the screen: "Phone home." And later he remarks to Kenny, "Sam Cassell is a good guy, but he's not going to wind up on the cover of GQ anytime soon."
20. While watching someone in Australia put $1 million worth of rubies on a table: "Damn, must not be any black folks in Australia. You can't just leave $1 million worth of jewelry lying around the 'hood."
19. Asked if he had ever been in the governor's office in Montgomery, Barkley said no. "They don't let many black people in the governor's mansion in Alabama," he said, "unless they're cleaning."
18. On the goal of the '92 Olympic Dream Team when playing Panama in the Tournament of the Americas: "To get the Canal back."
17. To Kenny: "Hakeem couldn't kick your ass cuz you were too close, kissin his!"
16. Barkley on Hanno Mottola, who, as EJ remarked "is the first NBA player from Finland". Charles replies: "Of course he is the first NBA player from Finland, he's the only person in Finland."
15. On supersized Oliver Miller: "You can't even jump high enough to touch the rim, unless they put a Big Mac on it."
14. "All I know is, as long as I led the Southeastern Conference in scoring, my grades would be fine."
13. On North Carolina missing 22 of its last 23 shots in losing to Georgetown in the NCAA tournament last weekend: "Stevie Wonder could make one of 23 shots."
12. I'd never buy my girl a watch... she's already got a clock over the stove.
11. "I always laugh when people ask me about rebounding techniques. I've got a technique. It's called just go get the damn ball."
10. On the Portland Trail Blazers (back when they were known as the Jail Blazers) serving Thanksgiving meals: "In between arrests they do community service."
9. "Yeah Ernie, its called defense, I mean I wouldn't know anything about it personally but I've heard about it through the grapevine.
8. "Well, when I went off to college, the guys I used to hang with were pumping gas and voting Democrat. Today they're still pumping gas and voting Democrat. Guess the Democrats didn't do much for them."
7. "When I was recruited at Auburn [university], they took me to a strip joint. When I saw those titties on Buffy, I knew that Auburn met my academic requirements."
6. "Hey Stanley, you could be a great player if you learned just two words: I'm full."-- Barkley yelling to 300-plus-pound Houston Rockets teammate Stanley Roberts
5. "I heard Tonya Harding is calling herself the Charles Barkley of figure skating. I was going to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized I have no character."
4. On the All-Star Game: "Hell, there ain't but 15 black millionaires in the whole country & half of 'em are right here in this room."
3. On Jerry Krause still being able to keep his job as GM of the Chicago Bulls: "Jerry Krause must have pictures of his boss's wife having sex with a monkey."
2. After throwing a guy through a 1st floor window in a bar Charles was in front of the judge.
Judge: "Your sanctions are community service and a fine, do you have any regrets?"
Charles: "Yeah I regret we weren't on a higher floor"
1. After an Olympic Dream Team victory over Angola, in which they won 116-48, Charles got into a physical altercation with a member of Angola towards the end of the game, afterwards he says: "Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back. Even if it does look like he hasn't eaten in a couple weeks. I thought he was going to pull a spear on me."
50. "I can be bought. If they paid me enough, I'd work for the Klan."
49. "You got to believe in yourself. Hell, I believe I'm the best-looking guy in the world and I might be right."
48. "I don't hate anyone, at least not for more than 48 minutes, barring overtime."
47. "We better not be doing the Bulls this year. Man, they suck! Bunch of high school kids with $70 million contracts. Damn! I hate my mother for having me too soon."
46. "You can talk without saying a thing. I don't ever want to be that type of person."
45. After retiring from basketball "I'm just what America needs - another unemployed black man.
44. Ernie: "Did they recognize you in South Dakota?"
Charles: "Yes, they did. It was easy because I was the only black person there. When they see me walking down the street they say 'There he goes again'. And when I come back the next year they say 'He's back yawl!'"
43. Right after Peja won the 3-point contest: "Kenny said it was going to be an all-international night. I want to know which international brother is going to win the slam dunk contest."
42. On the Enron scandal investigation: "Almost all those politicians took money from Enron, and there they are holding hearings. That's like O.J. Simpson getting in the Rae Carruth jury pool."
41. "I had to explain to my daughter why that skank Monica Lewinski has an hour special on HBO this weekend."
40. Ernie: "Auburn is a pretty good school. To graduate from there I suppose you really need to work hard and put forth maximum effort."
Charles: "20 pts and 10 rebounds will get you through also!"
39. "Every time I think about changing a diaper, I run a little bit harder and a little bit faster to make sure I can afford a nanny until my daughter's old enough to take care of that herself."
38. EJ: "Did you graduate from Auburn?"
Charles: "No, but I have a couple people working for me who did."
37. "*** Bavetta and Moses parted the Red Sea together."
36. Ernie Johnson, on Reggie Evans being caught grabbing the rocks of Chris Kaman: "(Reggie Evans) got caught with his hand in the cookie jar."Charles Barkley: "Ernie, I don't know where you get your cookies at but the rest of us don't get ours there."
35. On his 17-year old daughter not dating yet: "Thank goodness. I just hope she doesn't start before I go in the Hall of Fame. That way, I won't have to kill anybody before I get inducted."
34. Kenny: "There's guys who go over to Europe and play overseas from America, and they dominate!"
Charles: "Those are called 'brothers'
33. After Wang has a shot blocked: "He's got to bring something stronger than that. That's like bringing milk to a bar, it's not strong enough"
32. Barkley on Turner Sports office having a betting pool on his weight: "That is starting to hurt my feelings. I don't mind skinny people making fun of me, we all do that, but I don't want fat people making fun of me."
31. "We are in the business of kicking butt and business is very, very good."
30. When the Dream Team was about to play the Angola national team, during pre-game interviews the other USA players provided diplomatic, face saving comments about how they would play hard and felt strongly they would win. When Chuck was asked about Angola and the game, he replied: "They're in a lot of trouble."
29. Charles Barkley on his thoughts about retiring before the season: "I remember sitting down with the Rockets and saying, 'Yeah. I'm going to retire.' They said, 'Well, we'll give you $9 million.' And I said, 'You got a pen on you?'"
28. Man, everything gets blamed on the Clintons, every single thing in this world. I think Bill Clinton shot JFK, too.
27. "I know why his name is DMX. Because his real name is Earl. Imagine if his name was Earl the rapper."
26. "If you go out with a girl and they say she has a great personality, she's ugly. If they tell you a guy works hard, he can't play a lick. Same thing."
25. After Kevin Garnett threw a ball into the crowd out of frustration and was ejected. They showed footage of the man that got hit by the ball being taken away in a stretcher and his daughter was crying. Charles commented that players take passes to the face all the time. He topped it off by saying: "You know why that little girl's crying? It's because she's thinking 'my daddy's a wussy'".
24. Barkley on Ernie Johnson and Kenny Smith eating a box of hot Krispy Kreme donuts in front of him: "Both of y'all are2 going to hell for that. Y'all are going to hell with a first-class ticket. Is that how you treat your partner? Krispy Kreme might be the greatest invention in the history of civilization when they're hot. Y'all are cruel man."
23. "It's kinda great to see the Celtics doin well again cuz that was so much fun in my day to go to the Boston Garden and they spit at you and throw things at you and talk about your mom. It sounds like dinner at Kenny Smith's house."
22. "I think that the team that wins game five will win the series. Unless we lose game five."
21. Charles Barkley after seeing a picture of Sam Cassell on the screen: "Phone home." And later he remarks to Kenny, "Sam Cassell is a good guy, but he's not going to wind up on the cover of GQ anytime soon."
20. While watching someone in Australia put $1 million worth of rubies on a table: "Damn, must not be any black folks in Australia. You can't just leave $1 million worth of jewelry lying around the 'hood."
19. Asked if he had ever been in the governor's office in Montgomery, Barkley said no. "They don't let many black people in the governor's mansion in Alabama," he said, "unless they're cleaning."
18. On the goal of the '92 Olympic Dream Team when playing Panama in the Tournament of the Americas: "To get the Canal back."
17. To Kenny: "Hakeem couldn't kick your ass cuz you were too close, kissin his!"
16. Barkley on Hanno Mottola, who, as EJ remarked "is the first NBA player from Finland". Charles replies: "Of course he is the first NBA player from Finland, he's the only person in Finland."
15. On supersized Oliver Miller: "You can't even jump high enough to touch the rim, unless they put a Big Mac on it."
14. "All I know is, as long as I led the Southeastern Conference in scoring, my grades would be fine."
13. On North Carolina missing 22 of its last 23 shots in losing to Georgetown in the NCAA tournament last weekend: "Stevie Wonder could make one of 23 shots."
12. I'd never buy my girl a watch... she's already got a clock over the stove.
11. "I always laugh when people ask me about rebounding techniques. I've got a technique. It's called just go get the damn ball."
10. On the Portland Trail Blazers (back when they were known as the Jail Blazers) serving Thanksgiving meals: "In between arrests they do community service."
9. "Yeah Ernie, its called defense, I mean I wouldn't know anything about it personally but I've heard about it through the grapevine.
8. "Well, when I went off to college, the guys I used to hang with were pumping gas and voting Democrat. Today they're still pumping gas and voting Democrat. Guess the Democrats didn't do much for them."
7. "When I was recruited at Auburn [university], they took me to a strip joint. When I saw those titties on Buffy, I knew that Auburn met my academic requirements."
6. "Hey Stanley, you could be a great player if you learned just two words: I'm full."-- Barkley yelling to 300-plus-pound Houston Rockets teammate Stanley Roberts
5. "I heard Tonya Harding is calling herself the Charles Barkley of figure skating. I was going to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized I have no character."
4. On the All-Star Game: "Hell, there ain't but 15 black millionaires in the whole country & half of 'em are right here in this room."
3. On Jerry Krause still being able to keep his job as GM of the Chicago Bulls: "Jerry Krause must have pictures of his boss's wife having sex with a monkey."
2. After throwing a guy through a 1st floor window in a bar Charles was in front of the judge.
Judge: "Your sanctions are community service and a fine, do you have any regrets?"
Charles: "Yeah I regret we weren't on a higher floor"
1. After an Olympic Dream Team victory over Angola, in which they won 116-48, Charles got into a physical altercation with a member of Angola towards the end of the game, afterwards he says: "Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back. Even if it does look like he hasn't eaten in a couple weeks. I thought he was going to pull a spear on me."
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
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